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Previously, Brian and Debbie yelled at Mike to get a life. Instead, he got his old job back at the Big Q. Justin screamed at Jennifer for forbidding Brian to see him. Later, he freaked out when he and Brian were about to have sex. Even later, Justin's memory of the attack was triggered by a big, yellow, plastic bat. Ted got fired for surfing porn at work, and his boss told him that if he's not happy being an accountant, then he's better off not being one. Melanie rethought her position and proposed to Lindsay. Lindsay said no. Oh, of course she said yes.
They're Hot. They're Dancing. They're Gay. They're Boys. And they're shaking it, dude.
A well-appointed dining room. Five men sit around a table -- two on one side, three on the other. Everyone's holding champagne glasses. Okay, so get this: the two on one side are a black guy and a white guy. On the other side are an Asian guy, an Arab guy, and a guy in a wheelchair. Asian Guy raises his glass towards the couple and salutes, "To Judge Bobby. And Dr. Bruce." Arab Guy and Wheelchair Guy join him in clinking glasses, congratulating Bobby and Bruce on ten years of fidelity. Bruce and Bobby wish each other a happy anniversary. Asian Guy asks where "Jamie" is, adding that Jamie said he was stuck in surgery. Bruce, the black guy, sneers, "Oh, I'm sure he's operating -- on some boy!" Bobby continues, "Or at Club Sodom!" Everyone reacts with disgust. Asian Guy: "That awful place?" Wheelchair Guy: "Where they dance! And have sex, and take drugs!" Gasp! And every time I read that, I start busting up. What are you, Quakers? Bruce shakes his head that it's a shame that Jamie "has allowed himself to become a stereotype, instead of a role model for the community." Everyone nods in agreement. Bobby sighs that he hopes one day poor deluded Jamie will come to his senses, "and realize that there are more productive ways to spend his time"! Cut to Woody's, where the gang's all watching this...on television. Brian shakes his head in disbelief. On the screen, Wheelchair Guy adds that Jamie should join their gay men's reading group: "Last week we read Sylvia Plath. And this week, Jane Austen." Everyone in the bar is mesmerized. The show is called...okay, the Show is called Gay as Blazes. This is supposed to be what QaF would look like if it were politically correct, right? Sucky title. But props for coming up with even worse dialogue than usual.
“ Mike runs after Brian. As always. ”
At the commercial break, Brian grabs the remote and turns off the TV, growling, "Blaze this!" Everyone protests. Emmett grabs the remote from him and says that it's his new favorite show: "The actors are dreamy!" he pouts. Lindsay adds, "The Times says that's it the most accurate portrayal of gay life ever shown on television." Happy Medium, meet CowLip. CowLip, meet...hey, where you guys going? Brian sighs, exasperated: "Well, then, where's the sucking? And where's the fucking?" All together with Melanie, now: "Jesus, don't you get enough of that at home?" Mikey snaps that the point of GaB "is that it's not all about sex. There's more to gay life than that." I really don't know how much of this I can take. Brian says if that means reading Sylvia Plath, he'd rather kill himself. I prefer Dorothy Parker, myself. Ted tries to get through: "These people have principles. When you have principles, you don't need orgasms." Brian snaps back in response, "You have principles when you don't have orgasms." Because it's not possible to have both? Happy Medium sighs and asks me if I have any vodka. It's Lindsay's turn now: "I, for one, commend the producers for portraying us as being mature and responsible." Melanie adds, waving at Brian, "Instead of being promiscuous and narcissistic." Brian rolls his eyes: "Welcome to Fantasy Island." Emmett sighs, "Oh, I wish they would bring that back." The gang agrees. Ted says that it's important that the "straight world sees realistic portrayals of us." Brian's like, that is not realistic. But The Cosby Show is? Wait. Sorry, wrong minority group. Brian adds, "And who gives a fuck about what straight people think?" Yeah, especially since straight women make up a good portion of QaF's audience, and all. Enn-e-way. Melanie grins, "Hey, you better watch your mouth, now that you're getting the hero award from the Center." Brian retorts that he didn't do anything to deserve it: "They can keep their golden dildo." Lindsay expects him to show, though, and starts handing out tickets to everyone. Brian makes some noise to the effect that he can't make it because he has to go to "Suck-a-Rama at The Toolshed." He shoves his ticket into his half-empty glass of beer and stalks off. Ted grabs the remote and turns the show back on.
Mike runs after Brian. As always. Brian asks if his lesbians sent Mike out to make sure Brian was behaving. Mike's, like, no, "I thought I heard you whistle." Fine, he actually says, "I thought we could misbehave together." Brian can't hang, though; he has to get home. Mike laughs, "Christ, don't tell me you're actually becoming a good example for gay men everywhere." Brian says that he'll leave that to Gay as Blazes. Justin is still staying with him, and doesn't do that well if he's left alone a long time. See, I like Nice Brian. I mean, we've been seeing hints of him all during last season and this one, and you know, no one's really buying this asshole crap anymore. Mike understands about Justin, but wonders what Brian's doing tomorrow. Excited, he hands Brian a couple of passes for a comic-book convention that's coming to town. Ah, the memories. I used to hang out at this comic book store in high school. Marvel Comics rules, man. Kitty Pryde was, like, my personal hero. Her and Storm. I never went to a comic-book convention, but I've been to a couple of Star Trek conventions. Oh,yes. Big ole geek talking to you right now. Brian snarks, "Whoa, dude! The kids at school will, like, puke, they'll be, like, so jealous." Mike guesses that's a no. Brian sighs, "I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day." Hee. Mike gripes that he and Brian haven't hung out since he got back from Portland, and he thought maybe the ComiCon would give them a chance to do so. Brian rolls his eyes, but asks what time Mike wants to meet. They figure out a time, and Brian gives Mike a nice kiss. Mikey's thrilled, and it's just like Christmas.
The Happy Fun Living Room. Brian's playing with Gus while Lindsay eats a donut on the couch. Melanie wanders around the room looking for her car keys. Lindsay tells Brian that he's going to the damn award ceremony: "And don't think you can get out of it by inducing a sugar high with a cheap bag of donuts. Even though...these sprinkles are really good." I hate it when they have food, because it always makes me want to run out and get whatever it is. Melanie adds that she and Lindsay worked really hard to get him that award. Brian frowns, "Well, then get them to give it to someone who needs their approval." Because he doesn't. He doesn't need anyone! Well, except to have sex with...and prove his sexual superiority to...and confirm that he's still young and beautiful with. But other than that, fuck them and their approval. St. L. says it's not about approval; it's about honoring Brian's courage. Lindsay tries to get Melanie to try a donut. Melanie's freaking out about her keys. Brian sneers, "It's about the three hundred dollars a plate they're charging." Melanie informs him that the proceeds are going to a new daycare program "which, please, God, Gus will benefit from." Brian nods at Gus knowingly: "Did you hear that? Daycare." Gus gazes at him placidly, not overly concerned about it. Lindsay says it's not just important to the community, but also to her and Mel; it's their first year on the nominating committee. Brian sarcastically apologizes for "fucking with [their] social climbing." Lindsay's had enough of him. "You little shit!" she yells, throwing down the donut she's munching on and pulling the bag back so she can hit him over the head with it. Just in time, Melanie grabs the paper bag away from her partner, muttering, "Look, honey? That's enough sugar." Bwa! Melanie tries to feed his ego: Brian's really going to turn down an entire evening honoring the greatness and glory that is him? Brian starts to whistle nonchalantly and Lindsay finally asks him to stand up. Brian does. Lindsay literally grabs him by the balls and twists. She menacingly whispers, "Listen to me, mister! You will show up at the ceremony. You will check your pissy attitude at the door. And you will behave in a manner befitting a hero, or at least like you appreciate all the love, and support and hard work your fucking friends have gone to on your fucking behalf! Got it?" Brian groans that he's got it. Melanie, looking under the couch to no avail, shakes her head, looks over at the baby, and screams. Lindsay's like, what, did you find your keys? Melanie points to Gus. He's walking! He waddles over to Melanie and Lindsay, who hug each other gleefully. Brian groans from the floor, "Sonny boy. Come to Daddy!"
Liberty Diner. Justin's reading the local gay newspaper, and calls everyone's attention to a particular article. It's called "A Wolf in Hero's Clothing." Three guesses as to who it's about. Ted's reading it: "'Is there anyone less deserving of this year's Gay and Lesbian Center's Outstanding Hero Award than Brian Kinney?'" Brian's like, the hell? Mike, who's reading another copy, continues, "'Mr. Kinney is a miserable example of a modern gay stereotype.'" Debbie, who also has a copy, continues, "'Totally promiscuous, completely vain' -- well, he's not wrong on that count." Brian and Justin frown at her. Ted picks up again: "'He can be found nightly in the back rooms of sex clubs.'" Vic adds, "'As for the young man he rescued from a violent assault, he is, in fact his eighteen year-old teenage lover.'" Brian frowns at Justin, "Is that you?" Snicker. Mike continues, "'The truth is --" Justin shocks, "'He is a pedophile'!" Well, technically, that's not true. But the situation is debated daily in the forums, so you be the judge. Vic picks it up, "-- deserving not our honor --" Debbie finishes, "'But our contempt'? Who the fuck is this Howard Bedwetter?" Ted corrects her that it's "Bellwether", and he happens to be the "gay social conscience of Pittsburgh." Ted listens to his radio show, and has read all of his books, and is, like, his biggest fan. Which is rather odd for a man who can't keep his hands off the joystick, or the rest of himself off Liberty Avenue, but did I forget to tell you that this week's hammer is Hypocrisy? Well, it is. Hope I haven't spoiled anything for you. Ted pats Brian on the shoulder and mockingly whispers, "Congratulations." Vic reads that Bellwether is also getting the Outstanding Gay Advocate award from the GLC. Brian finishes the article and throws it down in disgust. He says he's going to sue Bellwether. Michael tells him to calm down. Brian outrages, "He said I'm thirty-one. I'm thirty." Groan. Justin's shocked that Brian's not taking this more seriously, especially since Bellwether called Brian a child molester. Um, duh. As Brian points out, who would know better than Justin? Mike rolls his eyes and leaves, reminding Brian on his way out that they're supposed to meet at the convention that evening. And, you know, it's not like Howie didn't write anything that wasn't true. It's just besides the point. And while he's at it, why trash the organization that's also giving him an award? And how did Bellwether get all this info, anyway? One can only wonder. Is that an anvil teetering over my head? Again?
“ Blaine's a lawyer, Blair's a dentist. They're busy people. No time for TV. Which is sick. One should always make time to waste time. ”
Emmett skips down the street, a feather duster stuck in his backpack. He's pretty cute. He walks up to a nice brick home, with matching tan BMWs in the driveway. The license plates say "B+B 1" and "B+B 2," respectively. Emmett rings the doorbell. Inside, a short blond man with glasses -- who looks a lot like Judge Bobby on Gay as Blazes -- opens the door. Emmett introduces himself as the new maid. The blonde guy is Blaine. He leads Emmett into the living room to meet his "life partner," Blair. Blair's black. Like Dr. Bruce on the show. Emmett points this out. Blaine and Blair have no idea what he's talking about. They don't watch TV! Blaine's a lawyer, Blair's a dentist. They're busy people. No time for TV. Which is sick. One should always make time to waste time. Plus, some of us have to make a living, here. Emmett's cracking up about this: "thing you'll tell me is that you've been together for ten years." Actually, they've been together for eleven years. "And that you never fuck around," Emmett laughs. B and B are all, huh? Emmett apologizes. Blaine says, "We believe monogamy is the foundation of a solid relationship." Blair agrees. Emmett finds this "inspiring" and says it will be a privilege to work for them. He then pulls down his pants and asks where they want him to start. B and B are shocked! Emmett's confused. Blaine says that Emmett doesn't need to be naked for this gig. Blair lays down the righteous (hee! Foreshadowing!) by adding, "Even though some members of our community find it titillating to sexualize even domestic work, we prefer that you keep your pants on." Obee-kaybee. So, why contact a naked maid service? Why not just get a regular maid? Emmett is taken aback by all this, but pulls his pants back up. Blaine explains that Emmett will get paid the same, and Blair adds, "It's just our small way of adding a little dignity to our community." Apropos of nothing -- and nothing new -- Blaine announces that their last maid got a Ph.D. Emmett shrugs, "Well, if it's not one communicable disease, it's another." Right. Peter Paige really, really needs to lobby for better storylines. Blaine and Blair decide to let that one go, and Emmett asks where the "designer kitchen" is, so he can get started.
Comic-book convention. Mike eagerly waits at the entrance, wearing a dopey smile and a Captain Astro t-shirt. Sucker. Meanwhile, on Liberty Avenue, Brian pulls up to a police van. The cop turns and gives Brian The Look. Oh, yawn, already. Back to Mike, who's about to give up. Cut to the back of the van, where Brian has the cop naked and handcuffed. Brian is wearing the cop's hat and glasses, and waving his nightstick provocatively. So, this policeman is willing to let some stranger take all his equipment just so he can get a quick jump and pump in Boys Town? Apparently. I wonder how many porno scenarios we have to get through before CowLip's done? Has Brian fucked a supermarket clerk, yet? Brian's cell rings. He ignores it. At the convention, Mike hangs up his cell phone, and realizes that Brian has stood him up.
“ Tannis rolls her eyes. There's a lot of that this week. Usually, it's just me and the universe, so we appreciate the company. ”
Happy Fun House. Extra Happy and Fun, because Mel and L. are having sex on the couch, with the help of a large black vibrator. Melanie's on top, to the surprise of no one. Lindsay, in between groaning with pleasure, asks if they're going to have sex this good after they're married. Melanie, in between groaning with pleasure, says that's why they have to get in all the good sex now. That will be the only mention of the wedding this week, for which I am eternally grateful. There's orgasming, there's sweat and nipples and embarassed recappers and naked lesbiancakes. Don't make me go into details. I...can't. The doorbell rings. Melanie and Lindsay scramble to get their clothes on. Good thing bras aren't popular this season. Who the heck drops by these days without calling first, anyway? Melanie tosses the vibrator to Lindsay before she opens the door. Off-camera, we hear Melanie greet Tannis and Phillip. Lindsay tosses the vibrator under the couch cushions. Where no one will find it.
Tannis -- a tall, rather washed-out and messy-haired woman -- storms in, announcing that they have to talk about the award ceremony. Lindsay, who's looking a bit disheveled herself, is like, hey, what a surprise! Sit down and take a load off! Pay no attention to the heavily breathing women! Tannis is followed by Phillip -- who's gay, obviously, but that's about the most interesting thing I can think of to say about him. Tannis snaps her fingers, and Phillip hands her the newspaper. She asks Melanie if they've read it. Phillip gasps that if they give Brian the award, all their sponsors will pull out. Phillip pauses to ask if they hear a buzzing sound. Sigh. Lindsay blames it on the baby monitor. Tannis is pretty sure she's sitting on something that's buzzing, though. She reaches under the cushions and pulls out the vibrator. High comedy ensues as she skeeves out and tosses it to Phillip, who shrieks and tosses it to Melanie. Melanie's like, oh, there it is. Then she shoves it in a plant, explaining that the vibration is good for the soil. Tannis rolls her eyes. There's a lot of that this week. Usually, it's just me and the universe, so we appreciate the company. Lindsay exclaims that the article is dishonest and unfair: "Justin Taylor's a college student. Their relationship is legal, consensual, and very loving." "Loving"? I guess it is now, if Lindsay says so. And when did Justin enroll in college? It's up to Melanie to tackle the illicit sex question, which is kind of ironic, actually. She tells the boring gay people that Brian's sex life has nothing to do with why he's getting the award. Phillip doesn't care, because the image of the GLC is in jeopardy, not to mention their funding. Tannis orders Mel and L. to get Brian to decline the award. Lindsay's like, uh, yeah, do you know what we had to go through to get him to accept it?! Lindsay had to touch a man's balls, for the love of God. That's going above and beyond the call of duty, you know. Phillip says that it shouldn't be so hard to get Brian to turn it down then, huh?
The morning Mike's on his cell, talking to Ted and Emmett. Ted's in bed jerking off to a porno, and Emmett's ironing clothes out on the B and Bs' porch. Mike's shocked that Brian stood him up. Ted and Emmett? Not so much. Ted suggests that Mike and Brian might be drifting apart. Emmett tsks that it happens sometimes. Ted asks Mike if he wants to go to Bellwether's book signing. Mike's like, after he scorched Brian? Ted points out that Brian is hardly a heroic figure. Well, except for that one time when he beat the crap out of the guy that bashed Justin's head in. Emmett snorts, like, when did Ted become such a prude? Mike snaps, "Since he lost his job whacking off?" Ted says he's not a prude, and he wasn't whacking off! To prove it, Ted stops whacking off for the moment. But then he starts up again. Ted just believes that Bellwether might have a point. The Hammer of Hypocrisy rises once more. Mike says, "Well, I don't think any of us are [sic] in the position to judge, considering some of the things we've done." Ted replies that he has nothing to be ashamed of. Bwa ha ha ha! Mike says he could certainly remind Ted of a few, if he wants. Ted, about to come, hangs up the phone.