Previously, Brian and Debbie yelled at Mike to get a life. Instead, he got his old job back at the Big Q. Justin screamed at Jennifer for forbidding Brian to see him. Later, he freaked out when he and Brian were about to have sex. Even later, Justin's memory of the attack was triggered by a big, yellow, plastic bat. Ted got fired for surfing porn at work, and his boss told him that if he's not happy being an accountant, then he's better off not being one. Melanie rethought her position and proposed to Lindsay. Lindsay said no. Oh, of course she said yes.
They're Hot. They're Dancing. They're Gay. They're Boys. And they're shaking it, dude.
A well-appointed dining room. Five men sit around a table -- two on one side, three on the other. Everyone's holding champagne glasses. Okay, so get this: the two on one side are a black guy and a white guy. On the other side are an Asian guy, an Arab guy, and a guy in a wheelchair. Asian Guy raises his glass towards the couple and salutes, "To Judge Bobby. And Dr. Bruce." Arab Guy and Wheelchair Guy join him in clinking glasses, congratulating Bobby and Bruce on ten years of fidelity. Bruce and Bobby wish each other a happy anniversary. Asian Guy asks where "Jamie" is, adding that Jamie said he was stuck in surgery. Bruce, the black guy, sneers, "Oh, I'm sure he's operating -- on some boy!" Bobby continues, "Or at Club Sodom!" Everyone reacts with disgust. Asian Guy: "That awful place?" Wheelchair Guy: "Where they dance! And have sex, and take drugs!" Gasp! And every time I read that, I start busting up. What are you, Quakers? Bruce shakes his head that it's a shame that Jamie "has allowed himself to become a stereotype, instead of a role model for the community." Everyone nods in agreement. Bobby sighs that he hopes one day poor deluded Jamie will come to his senses, "and realize that there are more productive ways to spend his time"! Cut to Woody's, where the gang's all watching this...on television. Brian shakes his head in disbelief. On the screen, Wheelchair Guy adds that Jamie should join their gay men's reading group: "Last week we read Sylvia Plath. And this week, Jane Austen." Everyone in the bar is mesmerized. The show is called...okay, the Show is called Gay as Blazes. This is supposed to be what QaF would look like if it were politically correct, right? Sucky title. But props for coming up with even worse dialogue than usual.
At the commercial break, Brian grabs the remote and turns off the TV, growling, "Blaze this!" Everyone protests. Emmett grabs the remote from him and says that it's his new favorite show: "The actors are dreamy!" he pouts. Lindsay adds, "The Times says that's it the most accurate portrayal of gay life ever shown on television." Happy Medium, meet CowLip. CowLip, meet...hey, where you guys going? Brian sighs, exasperated: "Well, then, where's the sucking? And where's the fucking?" All together with Melanie, now: "Jesus, don't you get enough of that at home?" Mikey snaps that the point of GaB "is that it's not all about sex. There's more to gay life than that." I really don't know how much of this I can take. Brian says if that means reading Sylvia Plath, he'd rather kill himself. I prefer Dorothy Parker, myself. Ted tries to get through: "These people have principles. When you have principles, you don't need orgasms." Brian snaps back in response, "You have principles when you don't have orgasms." Because it's not possible to have both? Happy Medium sighs and asks me if I have any vodka. It's Lindsay's turn now: "I, for one, commend the producers for portraying us as being mature and responsible." Melanie adds, waving at Brian, "Instead of being promiscuous and narcissistic." Brian rolls his eyes: "Welcome to Fantasy Island." Emmett sighs, "Oh, I wish they would bring that back." The gang agrees. Ted says that it's important that the "straight world sees realistic portrayals of us." Brian's like, that is not realistic. But The Cosby Show is? Wait. Sorry, wrong minority group. Brian adds, "And who gives a fuck about what straight people think?" Yeah, especially since straight women make up a good portion of QaF's audience, and all. Enn-e-way. Melanie grins, "Hey, you better watch your mouth, now that you're getting the hero award from the Center." Brian retorts that he didn't do anything to deserve it: "They can keep their golden dildo." Lindsay expects him to show, though, and starts handing out tickets to everyone. Brian makes some noise to the effect that he can't make it because he has to go to "Suck-a-Rama at The Toolshed." He shoves his ticket into his half-empty glass of beer and stalks off. Ted grabs the remote and turns the show back on.
Mike runs after Brian. As always. Brian asks if his lesbians sent Mike out to make sure Brian was behaving. Mike's, like, no, "I thought I heard you whistle." Fine, he actually says, "I thought we could misbehave together." Brian can't hang, though; he has to get home. Mike laughs, "Christ, don't tell me you're actually becoming a good example for gay men everywhere." Brian says that he'll leave that to Gay as Blazes. Justin is still staying with him, and doesn't do that well if he's left alone a long time. See, I like Nice Brian. I mean, we've been seeing hints of him all during last season and this one, and you know, no one's really buying this asshole crap anymore. Mike understands about Justin, but wonders what Brian's doing tomorrow. Excited, he hands Brian a couple of passes for a comic-book convention that's coming to town. Ah, the memories. I used to hang out at this comic book store in high school. Marvel Comics rules, man. Kitty Pryde was, like, my personal hero. Her and Storm. I never went to a comic-book convention, but I've been to a couple of Star Trek conventions. Oh,yes. Big ole geek talking to you right now. Brian snarks, "Whoa, dude! The kids at school will, like, puke, they'll be, like, so jealous." Mike guesses that's a no. Brian sighs, "I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day." Hee. Mike gripes that he and Brian haven't hung out since he got back from Portland, and he thought maybe the ComiCon would give them a chance to do so. Brian rolls his eyes, but asks what time Mike wants to meet. They figure out a time, and Brian gives Mike a nice kiss. Mikey's thrilled, and it's just like Christmas.
The Happy Fun Living Room. Brian's playing with Gus while Lindsay eats a donut on the couch. Melanie wanders around the room looking for her car keys. Lindsay tells Brian that he's going to the damn award ceremony: "And don't think you can get out of it by inducing a sugar high with a cheap bag of donuts. Even though...these sprinkles are really good." I hate it when they have food, because it always makes me want to run out and get whatever it is. Melanie adds that she and Lindsay worked really hard to get him that award. Brian frowns, "Well, then get them to give it to someone who needs their approval." Because he doesn't. He doesn't need anyone! Well, except to have sex with...and prove his sexual superiority to...and confirm that he's still young and beautiful with. But other than that, fuck them and their approval. St. L. says it's not about approval; it's about honoring Brian's courage. Lindsay tries to get Melanie to try a donut. Melanie's freaking out about her keys. Brian sneers, "It's about the three hundred dollars a plate they're charging." Melanie informs him that the proceeds are going to a new daycare program "which, please, God, Gus will benefit from." Brian nods at Gus knowingly: "Did you hear that? Daycare." Gus gazes at him placidly, not overly concerned about it. Lindsay says it's not just important to the community, but also to her and Mel; it's their first year on the nominating committee. Brian sarcastically apologizes for "fucking with [their] social climbing." Lindsay's had enough of him. "You little shit!" she yells, throwing down the donut she's munching on and pulling the bag back so she can hit him over the head with it. Just in time, Melanie grabs the paper bag away from her partner, muttering, "Look, honey? That's enough sugar." Bwa! Melanie tries to feed his ego: Brian's really going to turn down an entire evening honoring the greatness and glory that is him? Brian starts to whistle nonchalantly and Lindsay finally asks him to stand up. Brian does. Lindsay literally grabs him by the balls and twists. She menacingly whispers, "Listen to me, mister! You will show up at the ceremony. You will check your pissy attitude at the door. And you will behave in a manner befitting a hero, or at least like you appreciate all the love, and support and hard work your fucking friends have gone to on your fucking behalf! Got it?" Brian groans that he's got it. Melanie, looking under the couch to no avail, shakes her head, looks over at the baby, and screams. Lindsay's like, what, did you find your keys? Melanie points to Gus. He's walking! He waddles over to Melanie and Lindsay, who hug each other gleefully. Brian groans from the floor, "Sonny boy. Come to Daddy!"
Liberty Diner. Justin's reading the local gay newspaper, and calls everyone's attention to a particular article. It's called "A Wolf in Hero's Clothing." Three guesses as to who it's about. Ted's reading it: "'Is there anyone less deserving of this year's Gay and Lesbian Center's Outstanding Hero Award than Brian Kinney?'" Brian's like, the hell? Mike, who's reading another copy, continues, "'Mr. Kinney is a miserable example of a modern gay stereotype.'" Debbie, who also has a copy, continues, "'Totally promiscuous, completely vain' -- well, he's not wrong on that count." Brian and Justin frown at her. Ted picks up again: "'He can be found nightly in the back rooms of sex clubs.'" Vic adds, "'As for the young man he rescued from a violent assault, he is, in fact his eighteen year-old teenage lover.'" Brian frowns at Justin, "Is that you?" Snicker. Mike continues, "'The truth is --" Justin shocks, "'He is a pedophile'!" Well, technically, that's not true. But the situation is debated daily in the forums, so you be the judge. Vic picks it up, "-- deserving not our honor --" Debbie finishes, "'But our contempt'? Who the fuck is this Howard Bedwetter?" Ted corrects her that it's "Bellwether", and he happens to be the "gay social conscience of Pittsburgh." Ted listens to his radio show, and has read all of his books, and is, like, his biggest fan. Which is rather odd for a man who can't keep his hands off the joystick, or the rest of himself off Liberty Avenue, but did I forget to tell you that this week's hammer is Hypocrisy? Well, it is. Hope I haven't spoiled anything for you. Ted pats Brian on the shoulder and mockingly whispers, "Congratulations." Vic reads that Bellwether is also getting the Outstanding Gay Advocate award from the GLC. Brian finishes the article and throws it down in disgust. He says he's going to sue Bellwether. Michael tells him to calm down. Brian outrages, "He said I'm thirty-one. I'm thirty." Groan. Justin's shocked that Brian's not taking this more seriously, especially since Bellwether called Brian a child molester. Um, duh. As Brian points out, who would know better than Justin? Mike rolls his eyes and leaves, reminding Brian on his way out that they're supposed to meet at the convention that evening. And, you know, it's not like Howie didn't write anything that wasn't true. It's just besides the point. And while he's at it, why trash the organization that's also giving him an award? And how did Bellwether get all this info, anyway? One can only wonder. Is that an anvil teetering over my head? Again?
Emmett skips down the street, a feather duster stuck in his backpack. He's pretty cute. He walks up to a nice brick home, with matching tan BMWs in the driveway. The license plates say "B+B 1" and "B+B 2," respectively. Emmett rings the doorbell. Inside, a short blond man with glasses -- who looks a lot like Judge Bobby on Gay as Blazes -- opens the door. Emmett introduces himself as the new maid. The blonde guy is Blaine. He leads Emmett into the living room to meet his "life partner," Blair. Blair's black. Like Dr. Bruce on the show. Emmett points this out. Blaine and Blair have no idea what he's talking about. They don't watch TV! Blaine's a lawyer, Blair's a dentist. They're busy people. No time for TV. Which is sick. One should always make time to waste time. Plus, some of us have to make a living, here. Emmett's cracking up about this: "thing you'll tell me is that you've been together for ten years." Actually, they've been together for eleven years. "And that you never fuck around," Emmett laughs. B and B are all, huh? Emmett apologizes. Blaine says, "We believe monogamy is the foundation of a solid relationship." Blair agrees. Emmett finds this "inspiring" and says it will be a privilege to work for them. He then pulls down his pants and asks where they want him to start. B and B are shocked! Emmett's confused. Blaine says that Emmett doesn't need to be naked for this gig. Blair lays down the righteous (hee! Foreshadowing!) by adding, "Even though some members of our community find it titillating to sexualize even domestic work, we prefer that you keep your pants on." Obee-kaybee. So, why contact a naked maid service? Why not just get a regular maid? Emmett is taken aback by all this, but pulls his pants back up. Blaine explains that Emmett will get paid the same, and Blair adds, "It's just our small way of adding a little dignity to our community." Apropos of nothing -- and nothing new -- Blaine announces that their last maid got a Ph.D. Emmett shrugs, "Well, if it's not one communicable disease, it's another." Right. Peter Paige really, really needs to lobby for better storylines. Blaine and Blair decide to let that one go, and Emmett asks where the "designer kitchen" is, so he can get started.
Comic-book convention. Mike eagerly waits at the entrance, wearing a dopey smile and a Captain Astro t-shirt. Sucker. Meanwhile, on Liberty Avenue, Brian pulls up to a police van. The cop turns and gives Brian The Look. Oh, yawn, already. Back to Mike, who's about to give up. Cut to the back of the van, where Brian has the cop naked and handcuffed. Brian is wearing the cop's hat and glasses, and waving his nightstick provocatively. So, this policeman is willing to let some stranger take all his equipment just so he can get a quick jump and pump in Boys Town? Apparently. I wonder how many porno scenarios we have to get through before CowLip's done? Has Brian fucked a supermarket clerk, yet? Brian's cell rings. He ignores it. At the convention, Mike hangs up his cell phone, and realizes that Brian has stood him up.
Happy Fun House. Extra Happy and Fun, because Mel and L. are having sex on the couch, with the help of a large black vibrator. Melanie's on top, to the surprise of no one. Lindsay, in between groaning with pleasure, asks if they're going to have sex this good after they're married. Melanie, in between groaning with pleasure, says that's why they have to get in all the good sex now. That will be the only mention of the wedding this week, for which I am eternally grateful. There's orgasming, there's sweat and nipples and embarassed recappers and naked lesbiancakes. Don't make me go into details. I...can't. The doorbell rings. Melanie and Lindsay scramble to get their clothes on. Good thing bras aren't popular this season. Who the heck drops by these days without calling first, anyway? Melanie tosses the vibrator to Lindsay before she opens the door. Off-camera, we hear Melanie greet Tannis and Phillip. Lindsay tosses the vibrator under the couch cushions. Where no one will find it.
Tannis -- a tall, rather washed-out and messy-haired woman -- storms in, announcing that they have to talk about the award ceremony. Lindsay, who's looking a bit disheveled herself, is like, hey, what a surprise! Sit down and take a load off! Pay no attention to the heavily breathing women! Tannis is followed by Phillip -- who's gay, obviously, but that's about the most interesting thing I can think of to say about him. Tannis snaps her fingers, and Phillip hands her the newspaper. She asks Melanie if they've read it. Phillip gasps that if they give Brian the award, all their sponsors will pull out. Phillip pauses to ask if they hear a buzzing sound. Sigh. Lindsay blames it on the baby monitor. Tannis is pretty sure she's sitting on something that's buzzing, though. She reaches under the cushions and pulls out the vibrator. High comedy ensues as she skeeves out and tosses it to Phillip, who shrieks and tosses it to Melanie. Melanie's like, oh, there it is. Then she shoves it in a plant, explaining that the vibration is good for the soil. Tannis rolls her eyes. There's a lot of that this week. Usually, it's just me and the universe, so we appreciate the company. Lindsay exclaims that the article is dishonest and unfair: "Justin Taylor's a college student. Their relationship is legal, consensual, and very loving." "Loving"? I guess it is now, if Lindsay says so. And when did Justin enroll in college? It's up to Melanie to tackle the illicit sex question, which is kind of ironic, actually. She tells the boring gay people that Brian's sex life has nothing to do with why he's getting the award. Phillip doesn't care, because the image of the GLC is in jeopardy, not to mention their funding. Tannis orders Mel and L. to get Brian to decline the award. Lindsay's like, uh, yeah, do you know what we had to go through to get him to accept it?! Lindsay had to touch a man's balls, for the love of God. That's going above and beyond the call of duty, you know. Phillip says that it shouldn't be so hard to get Brian to turn it down then, huh?
The morning Mike's on his cell, talking to Ted and Emmett. Ted's in bed jerking off to a porno, and Emmett's ironing clothes out on the B and Bs' porch. Mike's shocked that Brian stood him up. Ted and Emmett? Not so much. Ted suggests that Mike and Brian might be drifting apart. Emmett tsks that it happens sometimes. Ted asks Mike if he wants to go to Bellwether's book signing. Mike's like, after he scorched Brian? Ted points out that Brian is hardly a heroic figure. Well, except for that one time when he beat the crap out of the guy that bashed Justin's head in. Emmett snorts, like, when did Ted become such a prude? Mike snaps, "Since he lost his job whacking off?" Ted says he's not a prude, and he wasn't whacking off! To prove it, Ted stops whacking off for the moment. But then he starts up again. Ted just believes that Bellwether might have a point. The Hammer of Hypocrisy rises once more. Mike says, "Well, I don't think any of us are [sic] in the position to judge, considering some of the things we've done." Ted replies that he has nothing to be ashamed of. Bwa ha ha ha! Mike says he could certainly remind Ted of a few, if he wants. Ted, about to come, hangs up the phone.
Emmett tells Mike he has to go, too, so he can finish ironing one of his employers' pants. Mike's confused: "Aren't you the one who's supposed to be bare-assed?" Emmett informs Mike that his bosses want him to keep his clothes on. Mike's like, are you sure they're gay? Emmett says not only that, "but they're the most decent people [Emmett's] ever met." Emmett tells Mike to tell Brian, "if [Mike] ever speak[s] to him again" (meow), that the people on Gay as Blazes do exist in real life. Mike hangs up. Emmett continues ironing until Blair walks up to him, wearing a towel. Emmett tells him that Blaine called; he's doing pro bono work at the gay homeless shelter, so he's going to be late. Blair is supposed to go to the gay Harvard graduate luncheon, just as soon as Emmett finishes ironing his pants. Blair commends Emmett on the job he's doing for them. Emmett says that B and B's relationship has been inspirational for him: "Seeing you two has really inspired me to strive, to achieve, to better myself." Blair thanks him. Emmett hands Blair his pants and says that if there's anything else he can do, they should just let him know. Blair "accidentally" drops the pants on the ground. As Emmett reaches down for them, Blair drops his towel, too. Oops. Emmett's like, ha ha, you dropped your towel. Blair asks Emmett to get it for him, please. Emmett is looking a little perplexed. Or perhaps disturbed. Or terrified. But he gets down on his knees to get the towel. And you know where that puts him. Blair says that he's really grateful. From the vantage point of Blair's special penis cam (tm LaFramboise), Emmett sighs, "Yes, I see that." He reaches his hand around the penis-cam and opens his mouth really wide, giving us a view that Blair, as a dentist, would really appreciate. That has got to be the singular most unnecessary thing I've ever seen in my entire life, outside of Glitter. And it had to be the black guy that hit on Emmett, right? You know, as long we're talking about stereotypical behavior and all.
Liberty Diner. Justin tries to place a glass of water on Mike's table, but ends up spilling most of it. Mike helps him wipe up the mess as Debbie observes them from the counter. She puts on a smiley face and walks over, telling Justin to keep up the good work. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and calls him "mother's little helper." Mike, probably jealous, grouses that "'Mother's Little Helper' is Valium. That's from a Rolling Stones song." Debbie snaps, "I know the song, thank you, I was listening to it before you were fucking born!" Justin grins, "Ancient history." Way to break up the sibling rivalry, there, Deb. Justin leaves, and Debbie contemplates her grouchy son. "Okay," she asks, "what did he do this time?" Mike pretends that he doesn't know who "he" is. Deb's like, who is "he " always? Mike confesses that Brian ditched him the night before. Debbie sighs, "I'm biting my tongue so hard, I'm tasting blood." Mike snaps at her to just come out with it, already. Debbie asks why Mike's happiness always depends on someone else: "First Brian, then [Demon], and now back to Brian." Hello? Wasn't she the one who encouraged Mike to go after The Chiropractor From Hell so he wouldn't be chasing Brian all his life? And now she's pissed? Debbie growls, "If you came back here because you thought Brian was missing you as much as you were missing him, you fucked up, big-time." Mike says that's not the reason. Debbie says that Brian has a life of his own: "Which is more than I can say about you." Look. Who's. Talking. She continues, "And even though you're not going to like me saying it -- " and Mike's pretty sure he isn't -- "I think he might actually love this kid. As much as he can." Mike proclaims that none of that matters. He and Brian are still friends, and they were supposed to stay that way.
Emmett walks down Liberty Avenue with Ted and Mike, and confesses about the Blair incident. Emmett feels like he's destroyed B and Bs' relationship. Eleven years of monogamy, down the drain, 'cause of him. Mike comforts him by saying that no one does anything they don't want to do: "This Blair sounds like no angel." Emmett insists that he's to blame. Ted agrees, "It wouldn't have happened if you could keep your mind off of sex long enough to think of something else." Like what, pray tell, oh hairy-palmed one? Ted says there are museums, and, and books! And luckily, they're right in front of a bookstore. He asks if either of them would like to join him. Mike snorts, "You keep your hero; I'll stick to Captain Astro." Ted shrugs and goes into the store. Emmett's still moping, wondering how he can ever face his employers again. What would he say? Mike suggests that he not say anything. Or do anything. And not to let it happen again!
Elsewhere on Liberty Avenue, Justin clutches Brian's hand as they walk down the street. Justin's channeling Sybil some more. Brian asks him if he wants to go back to the loft. Justin doesn't, but when someone bumps into him, he loses it and curses him out. Brian hugs Justin and tells him to calm down. They stop in front of the bookstore we just saw Ted enter. A display featuring The Gay Gauntlet by Harold Bellwether is in the window.
Inside the store, Mr. Bellwether -- who, yes, bears a resemblance to Andrew Sullivan -- is cheerfully signing his book. It's Ted's turn, and he gushes, "Mr. Bellwether, I am so validated by what you write. You are a font of inspiration and wisdom." Howie smiles benevolently and takes Ted's book. He asks Ted's name, and Ted tells him, reaching out his hand so Howie can shake it. Bellwether ignores it and just signs the book. Ouch. All of a sudden, Justin shoves past Ted and throws another book down in front of Bellwether. "Sign this!" Justin demands, "'To Brian Kinney, Please accept my apologies for what I wrote about you. I'm a sack of lying shit. Love and luck, Howie.'" Bellwether is amused. Ted is thoroughly embarrassed. Bellwether guesses that Justin is "the teenage lover." Ted looks around for Brian, who cheerfully waves at him from the back of the store. That cracked me up, too. Aside from the cop incident, Brian is pretty amusing throughout the whole hour. It's so unprecedented, it wasn't until I watched a second time that I realized what was going on. And even now, I'm kind of ashamed to admit it. The end is definitely nigh. Anyway, Bellwether tells Justin that he's "a brave young man. If anyone should get an award for heroism, it's" Justin. Justin snaps that Howie had no right to bag on Brian like that. Even it was the truth. Did I say that? Yeah. I did. Bellwether calls it his "obligation" to write that article. Who asked ya? The award's for saving Justin's life. It's not like Brian's getting the Gay Advocate of the Year award. Trust me, we deal with this stuff in Black World all the time. Fifteen rounds of "Blacker than thou." What a black person is supposed to be. Living up (or should I say down) to stereotypes in the media. Which is better: LL Cool J or Snoop Doggy Dogg? Boondocks or Jumpstart? Do we still want Jesse to run, Jesse, run, even though he has a four-year-old illegitimate daughter? Blah blada blada bling blang blong. I'd sympathize with you, but I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about Condoleeza Rice.
Sorry. Where were we? Right, so Justin snaps that Brian saved his life. Bellwether intones, "He's also stolen part of it -- your innocence. Your youth." Well, in Brian's defense, someone had to do it. Someone always does. Bellwether concludes, "Someday you'll realize that he's hurt you as much as your attacker." Justin has no answer for that, so he knocks all the books off the table instead, and stomps away. Brian strides up to Bellwether, leans in, and says, "And by the way? I'm thirty." Ha! Does this signal the death of the intern? Bellwether shakes his head, smiles, and hands Ted his signed book.
The B and B. Emmett's chopping vegetables in the kitchen when Blaine saunters in. Blaine says, "You didn't tell me!" Emmett's, all, aaah, what? What didn't I tell you? Blaine's like, you didn't tell me you could cook! Emmett breathes a sigh of relief. Blaine says that Blair will be sorry he missed dinner, now, won't he? Emmett didn't know Blair was gone; apparently it's his night to read to a visually-impaired gay seniors group. I've been trying to get a handle on a joke for that all week. Maybe if Emmett was reading to the visually impaired gay seniors group.... Emmett says he'll set the table for one. Blaine asks Emmett to join him, because he hates eating alone. Then he suggestively slides a carrot into Emmett's mouth. Sigh. Emmett agrees, reluctantly. Blaine asks if he can have a taste of the food. Emmett gets a big spoonful of sauce and feeds it to Blaine. And then spills some on the front of Blaine's pants. Emmett says he should clean it before it stains. Blaine offers to take off his pants. I curl up under the couch to die. Emmett hurriedly replies that that it's not necessary; he'll just take a towel and wipe the stain off the front of Blaine's pants. Because that's much better. Luckily, I have a wireless keyboard, so I can still type from under here. Emmett, realizing what he's doing, says that maybe Blaine should take care of the stain instead. Blaine replies that Emmett's doing an excellent job, and that he should just keep doing what he's doing, adding, "You'd better rub harder." Emmett's trying really hard not to succumb, so he asks whether Blaine's been to any museums or read any good books lately. Finally Blaine unzips his pants. "Oh, look what I've done." Dropping to his knees, Emmett moans, "Forgive me, Father." It's kind of comfortable under the couch, really. Warm and all.
The Happy Fun Dining Room. Brian sits at the candlelit table while Mel and L. hover around him. Melanie presents a bottle of wine for his inspection. Lindsay brings in a Black Angus steak. Brian's all, uh huh, right. Dessert's a thick chocolate cake. And Lindsay hands him a cigar. After St. L. lights it for him, Brian grins, "Maybe there is more to life than sex. Fine dining. Fine wine. Fine cigars." Mel and L. smile at each other, gearing up. Brian's not buying any of this, however, and asks what they want. Melanie actually giggles, "You're so cynical, you can't appreciate a little TLC?" Lindsay giggles with her. Brian snorts, "From the lesbian Lucy and Ethel?" So much for the giggling. Brian tells them to get on with it, already. Lindsay says it's about the award. Which, Melanie reminds him, he didn't want anyway. And, she lies, they explained to the GLC how uncomfortable Brian was with it, so all he has to do is turn it down and then he doesn't have to worry about it! Isn't that great? Huh? Well, isn't it? Brian figures out the real reason: the GLC changed its mind because of Bellwether's article. Brian tells them to forget about it; he's not letting them off the hook. Lindsay snaps that he didn't want the award anyway. Brian says, "Well, that was before I realized what an honor it would be to be recognized by such a fine, upstanding organization. I've already started working on my acceptance speech, in fact. Wanna hear it?" Melanie grabs the plates and stomps off into the kitchen in disgust. Brian begins, "Greetings, and welcome all you sexually-challenged, transmogrified, bipolar, whatever the fuck you ares --" I laughed. Again. And I'm not even drinking. Happy Medium finished all the alcohol in the house.
Woody's. Debbie walks in, wearing a leopard-print muumuu and carrying a yellow handbag. Vic is dressed like a normal human being who lives his life un-cursed by the fashion fairy. They spot Mike and Ted at a table and amble over. Mike rolls his eyes when he realizes that his mother has once again invaded what passes for his private life. Vic snerks, "Excuse me, but I believe these seats are reserved for the living." Mike whines, do Vic and Debbie really have to sit with Mike and Ted? Debbie growls, "Well, I don't see a sign here that says, 'Reserved for Brian.'" Does it say it's reserved for you? Debbie knows that Mike isn't comfortable hanging out in gay bars with her (No shit. I mean, really, can you imagine?), but if he meets someone nice, hey, he doesn't have to bring the guy home because she can meet him right there! She and Vic think this is hysterical. They would. Mike says he's not going to meet anyone. Debbie says damn straight he's not, not sitting around there moping! (Yeah, I'm not going to be happy until this recap has more exclamation points than this month's issue of Teen Beat. I suggest you learn to live with it, 'cause I'm on a roll!) Debbie exhorts them to go dancing, or go get laid, or something! Ted snorts, "What kind of mindless pallative is that for existensial angst?" Debbie's all, huh? It's Ted's turn to roll his eyes. Vic replies that it's a damn good one, actually: "Before you guys turn around, you're going to be our age." Debbie mutters, "Don't remind me." Vic continues, "So you need to go out and grab a little life." Debbie adds, "Not to mention a little ass!" Ted sighs that he did see an invitation on one of his porno sites for a B.B. party. Debbie asks what a B.B. party is. Wouldn't she know? Teddy says it stands for "body builders." Debbie groans that she's always had a thing for "hard pecs and rippled abs." Mike shakes his head, "God, Mom. You are such a fag." Jealous? Vic tells the younger men to hop to it and go, go, go!
The B.B. Party. Ted and Mike walk into an apartment, looking like the geekiest guys in the whole wide world. The apartment is bathed in a red, low light. Ted gets an offer, but stutters that he wants to get a drink, first. He and Mike walk into the living room, where's there's a full-on orgy taking place. Couples. Groups. None of which look especially buff. Not as non-buff as Mike and Teddy, but still. Our Boys are getting increasingly uncomfortable. Ted says, "Boy, if Brian only knew what he was missing!" Mike snorts, "Fuck Brian." You wish. Still. Always. Yawn. He and Ted wander around some more until Ted gasps, "Oh, my God, do you know who that is?" He points. It's Howard Bellwether. Mike frowns that he doesn't have a really good body. Ted says of course he doesn't; he's a writer. Mike then notices that no one at the orgy has a really good body. Mike then notices, hang on a sec, nobody's wearing condoms, either. Which means that "B.B."? Stands for "barebacking." Yeah, that's just...eww. Ted and Mike, thorougly grossed out, tiptoe out of the room.
Okay, so at this point, I'm supposed to comment on the similarities between Howard Bellwether's behavior, and that of Andrew Sullivan, who was caught in similar circumstances. I've gotten quite the education on Mr. Sullivan this week, not to mention the perils of barebacking in re mutant HIV strains, for which I once again thank our loyal posters. Andrew Sullivan? Not so much a fan. However, I will point out, in his defense, that CowLip -- if they are indeed trying to satirize his situation -- has managed to misrepresent and muddle the situation to an ever greater extent. But it's hard to hit someone with the Hammer of Hypocrisy without getting bruised yourself. I mean, really -- a long term, supposedly committed couple that justifies fucking around? Someone needs to be a little careful where they point that mirror. Thanks for listening.
"We are not giving Brian Kinney an award!" Tannis screeches, not realizing that her head mic is on. She stands with Mel and L. in the middle of the reception room, where various minions are setting up for the awards dinner. Phillip trots up to take the head mic from her and snipes, "Our mistake was sending committee neophytes to do co-chair work in the first place." He says that if Brian insists on accepting the award, the GLC is just going to have to refuse to give it to him. Lindsay says that's not really a good idea. Melanie tries to shush her, but Lindsay goes on to say that if they rescind the award, the GLC will be in breach of promise, and Brian will sue. Tannis is shocked. Well, duh. Lindsay grins, "'Non-profit' will take on a whole different meaning." Tannis asks Melanie whether Brian can do this. Melanie's like, yeah, pretty much. Phillip whines that it would ruin them financially, to say nothing of the public humiliation! Melanie suggests, as the Center's counsel, that they just give Brian the award. Phillip pouts, "Well, you can tell Mr. Kinney that he can add blackmail to his long list of accomplishments." Tannis and Phillip storm off. Melanie's impressed by Lindsay's quick thinking. Lindsay chuckles, "Well, you fuck a lawyer, you pick up a few things." So to speak. Sorry, there's a shortage of bad puns this week, I'm just trying to pick up the slack. Lindsay and Melanie both make this cute "whew!" motion with their hands and book out.
Babylon! One of the go-go dancers is dressed as Babylon Man, complete with eye mask and a big "B" painted in the middle of his chest. No hammer, though. The camera moves past the dancing hordes until it rests on Mike, Ted, and Emmett at the bar. Ted is outraged at Bellwether's behavior: "That smug, sanctimonious hypocrite. Who the fuck does he think he is, judging everyone else's behavior?" Mike replies, "Especially Brian's." Ted bemoans that he spent twenty-five dollars on Howie's book. Mike snarks, "Maybe he'll use the money to buy rubbers." Ted demands, "Is there any such thing as decency left?!" Emmett pouts, "Once upon a time. 'Til I came along." Mike and Ted are all, you had sex with the other one, too? Emmett whines that he couldn't help himself. Mike's like, didn't you say they were a happily committed couple? Emmett blames himself, not them: "Obviously, against my powers of seduction, they didn't stand a chance!" Or they're big fat lying hypocrites; pick one. "Hammer" starts with an "H," too, after all. Brian insinuates himself in the middle of the group. Mike isn't particularly happy to see him. Brian's happy to see Mike, though, and asks him to dance. Mike turns him down. Brian is surprised, and asks what's wrong. Mike says that Brian wouldn't understand, or care if Mike told him. Brian shrugs and walks away. Before he can get too far, though, Mike screams after him, "The convention, asshole! You were supposed to meet me!" Brian snorts, "Is that all?" The prick returns. Brian, of all people, should know how important that convention was to Mike. Brian apologizes, "I'm sorry, I got tied up. Actually, he did." Brian puts the "B" in "tired," once again. Mike doesn't give a shit, anyway. Brian's all, it's just a comic-book convention! Lighten up, man! Mike's like, yeah, "Right, that's all it was. A bunch of geeks searching around for pieces of their lost childhood. It's pathetic when you think about it. Only the reason for going wasn't to find a Green Latern from 1982, it was for us to be together. The way we were before I ran off with [The Evil One], before Justin got hurt. The Dynamic Duo, reunited once again. But I guess things don't work that way. Things go forward instead of backwards, and nothing stays the same, so don't trouble yourself. There's no reason for you to be there with me, and there's no reason for me to expect you to be." Mike leaves Brian in the middle of the dance floor.
The B and B. Emmett sits down on the couch between Blaine and Blair and tells them that he has to quit. Blair and Blaine are quite upset. Have they done something wrong? Emmett says it's not them, it's him: "I'm unworthy to work for two such fine men." Blair says that's not true, and places his hand on Emmett's knee as affirmation. Blaine adds, putting his hand on Emmett's arm, "No one has ever given us service quite like you. In fact, Blair has told me himself how happy he is with your performance." Emmett's all, huh? Blaine starts to nibble on Emmett's ear, as Blair confirms this, adding, "And Blaine has done the same, haven't you, sweetheart?" Now Blair nibbles on his other ear. As his partner sticks his tongue in Emmett's ear, Blaine drawls, "We've never had a more congenial menial." Emmett pulls away once he realizes that they both know what happened. Didn't they say they were monogamous? Blair grins, "We are. But we can always use a little help around the house." Which means, what? That it's okay if they sleep around, as long as they're sleeping with the same person? Nice. Emmett's ooged out by this, and gets up off the couch, announcing, with great difficulty, "You know, I may be a slut. But at least I'm an honest slut. So find someone else to put the starch in your pants."
Justin's back on Liberty Avenue. He makes his way towards Brian, who's at the opposite end of the block. Justin's antsy, but looking strong. Brian watches him hopefully, apprehensively, just willing him to make it down the street. Brian mutters, "Come on, sonny boy." Justin does make it, and gives Brian a big hug. Justin sighs, "I wasn't sure I could do it." Brian grins, "I was." Kinder, gentler, Brian. Hard-ass without being a pain in the ass. More, please. I'm digging it. Brian kisses Justin, who asks what that was for. Brian snarks, "You know how much I like sex in public places." Justin dares him to fuck him right there, in broad daylight. Brian's like, you're certainly recovering, arent'cha? Justin grins, "Bad as new." Brian laughs, why don't we wait until I walk you back to my place? Justin says he can do it by himself. Brian fake gasps, "You can give yourself head?" Justin laughs no, he can get back to the loft by himself. Justin grins that he's sick of Brian following him around: "Don't you have friends your own age?" Brian says that none of them "adore" him as much as Justin does. Justin can think of one who does. Justin shoos him off to get ready for the awards ceremony. Brian is not thrilled about going. Justin says, "You're a hero. No matter what anyone says." He and Brian snog some more. And it's nice, actually.
GLC Awards. Tannis and Phillip are on the dais being boring. At Lindsay and Melanie's table, Debbie comments on how stuffy it is in the room. Melanie wants to know where the hell Brian is. Tannis stops her droning to introduce Howard Bellwether. Phillip goes on thusly: "A man who has challenged us to account for our behavior. Who has demanded that we ask nothing less of ourselves than decency and dignity." Howard Bellwether walks up to the platform amid applause and cheers. At their table, Debbie mouths the word "asshole" at Vic. Bellwether starts, "How can we complain of being stereotyped, of being marginalized, when there are members of our community that, through their irresponsible behavior, perpetuate such treatment. We are own worst enemy." The camera fades out and in as Bellwether drones on in a like manner. "Raise up our moral standards" blah. "Change the misconception that gay life is all about sex" yada. Debbie's nodding off. So's Emmett. Bellwether gets a standing ovation when he finishes. Melanie and Lindsay reluctantly rise and join in the applause. So does Ted, to Emmett's shock. Ted says, "I still believe in what he says. Even if I don't believe in him." Yup. Run, Jesse, run. Tannis and Phillip unenthusiastically introduce Brian. Mel and L.'s table cheer, cheer, cheer. But where's Brian? Melanie grouses that she can't believe he didn't show up to accept the award. Vic adds, "If only to tell them where to stick it." Debbie adds, "and how high." But Lindsay gets it: "I think he got his message across. Loud and clear."
At the ComiCon, Mike gushes over an Iron Man comic, because Marvel Comics are cool. Mike's taken aback at the price, though. Suddenly, Brian comes up from behind him and snatches it out of Mike's hands, telling him to get it anyway. Mike's like, aren't you supposed to be getting an award for being a hero? Brian replies, "If you want a hero, buy a comic book." Mike wants to know why he isn't at the dinner. Brian says they have a date. An announcement comes over the intercom that the convention is closing in fifteen minutes. Mike tells Brian that he really didn't have to come. Mike understands that things are different now: "We've moved on, and that's okay. No demands, no expectations, no regrets." Brian's mantra. Brian rolls his eyes, and says, well, as long as he's here, they might as well have fun. Mike pouts some more. Brian nods over to big cardboard cut-out of Captain Astro and his sidekick Galaxy Lad, and says that they should get a picture. Mike pouts that it's just for kids. Brian's like, c'mon, you know you want to. Mike's like, "No, it's stupid!" Brian replies, "It wasn't stupid when we were locked up in your room, reading Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad and wishing we were invincible like them. And pretending that no earthly force could separate us, like them. And swearing that we'd always be there for each other, like them." Mike's surprised that Brian remembers, and bursts into a blinding smile. Brian drags him over to the cutout, and sticks his head where Captain Astro's is supposed to be. Of course. Mike is Galaxy Lad. Happy, Happy, Brian and Mike. Wonder how long that will last?
Gay as Blazes. Bruce and Bobby tell a young man on their couch that he can live with them, and get off the streets. The boy marvels at their kindness: "I didn't know gay people like you existed." Bobby grimaces that not all gay people are predators! Bruce adds, "In fact, the only thing we like bound in leather is a good nineteenth-century novel." Bobby asks Travis if he's read Jane Austen. Travis hasn't. Cut to Emmett, sneering on his couch. He points the remote at the television and snarls, "Blaze this!"
week: Emmett announces that it's Pride Weekend. Melanie runs screaming into the arms of another woman, who she introduces to Lindsay as Nita. Lindsay's a little nervous. Justin runs into Chris where Chris is working off his community service. Nita tries to get Melanie to join her at the parade. Later, Melanie whines to Lindsay, "Does it always have to be Mel and Linds?" Like, hello? Lindsay yells that she enjoys it being just Mel and Linds: "I thought you did, too." Justin says he's not going to the parade: "What am I supposed to be proud of -- that I got bashed and didn't die?" Well, yeah. For starters.