First, I'd like to thank my mother. Due to a series of unfortunate cable-related incidents, I had to watch the show at her place. Yes, she stayed in her bedroom. Yes, I tried to keep the volume low in the living room and turned the channel whenever she walked in. Yes, everyone pretended it wasn't really happening. At one point earlier that evening, I accidentally flipped to Sex and the City just as Sam said the word "masturbation." Mom and I both screamed. To paraphrase Pat Conroy, you can never get rid of a Christian fundamentalist upbringing. The best you can do is make that sucker float.
Scenes from the season finale start us up. To wit: Justin asked Brian to the prom and they had a fabulous time, right up until Chris Hobbes hits Justin in the head with a baseball bat. Michael decided to move to Portland with the evil doctor, but not before yelling at him for being an inconsiderate, overbearing, controlling schmuck. Demon waited apprehensively on the plane as Mike checked his cell phone messages at the gate. And, finally, Michael comforted a crying Brian at the hospital.
It's the Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Oh! How I've missed them! Is that intro brighter than usual, or is it just me?
Babylon! HDGBs jiggle and groove under flashing neon lights; gold glitter falls around them. Ted, dressed like Ted, stands at the bar with Emmett, who's sporting a pink tank top over pink fatigues. Away from all the action, as usual. Emmett drawls, as he ogles a passing HDGB, "You know, some people might say the Grand Canyon or Big Sur, but I think some of the finest vistas to be found anywhere in these United States are right here in Pittsburgh." Ted grumps that it looks pretty "barren" to him. Emmett tells him to cheer up as the camera inexplicably cuts to a go-go dancer jumping up and down, so his silver g-string flops all over the place. Wow, that's got to hurt. Multiply that by two, and now you know why I don't jog. Emmett tells Ted to snap out of it: "There's got to be someone in this vast panorama of sweaty bodies who you're just dying to have reject you!" Here's hoping! Ted mopes that he's still in "mourning." Poor Eeyore. Not over Blake, yet, apparently. Emmett snaps that it's time to knock it off: "You know, even Jackie finally took off the widow's weeds, got up off of all fours, married some rich old man, and went shopping again." What was she doing on all fours? Why do I even ask? Is Emmett drunk? Emmett asks Ted at least to try to get back into the game. Ted sighs and looks around. He spots someone on the other side of the bar whose back is turned to them, and decides that's his rejecter. Emmett asks Ted to point the guy out again. Ted does, gesturing over to a short guy with black hair, wearing a blue and red shirt. Emmett agrees that he's cute. Ted nods, "He's hot." The guy turns around. It's Mike. Snicker. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, some things never change. Hold onto that thought.
Ted and Emmett are overjoyed to see Mike, and run over. Why he didn't tell him them he was coming? Mike claims it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Either that, or Chris Potter's contract is up. You be the judge. Mike says that the Demon took his son Hank camping (a.k.a. "The Bataan Death March, Part Two"), so Mikey thought he'd fly back home for a visit. Unannounced. Or something. Uh huh. Emmett, grasping Mike's face (he has to be drunk), tells Mike he looks adorable. And hot. "Doesn't he look hot, Ted?" Emmett asks. Ted glares at Emmett, then changes the subject by suggesting that they all get a drink. Emmett asks how long Mike will be in town. Supposedly it's just long enough to see them and his family, and -- all together now -- Brian. Of course, Brian. It's always Brian. By the way, where is Brian? Ted and Emmett tell Mike that Brian's not there. Mike thoughtfully frowns that of course Brian's not there: "Not after what happened." What, did his dick fall off? Actually, T&E meant that Brian's not on the dance floor. He's in the Back Room. Of Sex. Mike is shocked at such insensitive behavior. Even though, if he really thought Brian wasn't there, why did Mike even come there? Yeah. I know. It's only going to get worse from here, so buckle up.
Looks like we have a new Back Room of Sex. It's no longer blue, the stalactites are gone, and it's a lot darker in there. Multi-colored shadows dot the room, and various male body parts emerge from them. You know I'm not making this shit up. Mike nods at one guy named Todd, and asks how it's going. Same guy he asked during the series premiere, in exactly the same sexual position, if I remember correctly. Cute. Mike keeps wandering through the BRoS, so that we can get a good look at all the naked men having fake sex with each other. You know, one man's mouth nowhere near another man's penis. Another man pumping into nothingness, firm buttocks clenched. Got it. Let's keep moving. Mike bravely marches through all the fake moaning until he finds Brian. Brian sits in a chair, staring blankly ahead while two guys gnaw on his lap. He looks up and casually says, "Hey, Mikey." Mike's all, "Is that all you have to say to me?!" Brian, who looks like he's not having nearly as much fun as you and I would if we were getting a blowjob from two men, replies, "No," and then tells one of the guys dutifully sucking away, "Cover your teeth." Mike scolds that he's been emailing and calling Brian every day for almost a month, and hasn't gotten any response. Brian snarks that he's been busy. Mike snaps, "What, up to your old tricks?" Brian replies, "Never old ones. And never the same ones twice." Yada yada. Yawn. Mike disapprovingly hovers over Brian until Brian pushes the vacuum twins away. I didn't even realize there might be two of them until he said, "Okay, guys." The new Back Room of Sex needs better lighting.
Mike asks Brian if he's okay. Brian drones that he's not just okay, he's fabulous: "In fact, I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh." You know, after twenty-some odd episodes, no one's buying this crap anymore. Can Brian be numbing his emotions with anonymous sex? Wow, I wonder if also he's doing drugs as a way to drive away the reccurring images of Justin getting his head bashed in? Warning: we will be told how excessive his behavior is a couple dozen more times, even though it's no more excessive than we've ever seen from him. Brian wearily stands and asks the room if anyone has any ecstasy. A dozen hands reach out of the dark with tablets. If I were a vice cop, I would raid this place, like, all the time. Brian snags one, then asks Mike who told him that Brian was back there: "Rosencrantz or Guildenstern?" Random irrelevant Shakespearan reference. That's new. Brian's Hamlet, now, huh? His life. So tragic. Yawn. Mike says he probably could have figured it out on his own, since he took rocket science classes while he was in Portland. Yada. Brian takes off after some guy. Mike stamps his tiny little feet and pouts, "When am I going to see you again?!" Brian ignores him.
The hallway outside the once and future home of Mike and Emmett. I told you he'd be back. Emmett tells Mike not to take Brian's behavior personally, as if, again, this is any different from the way he normally behaves. Guess he hasn't read the recaps. Ted says that Brian's cut himself off from everyone. Emmett adds, "Everyone, that is, except for every slut in Pittsburgh with a smooth ass and a nine-inch cock." Ted finally points out that this is, as we all know, business as usual. Nothing to see here. Let's move along. Emmett shrugs, "But hey, when your boy toy gets broken, get another toy, right?" Okay, that's kind of harsh. Mike looks around the apartment and says it's great to be back. Ted's surprised, given the pictures he's seen of Demon's new house. Emmett replies, "Well, I might not have a pool or an atrium, but I've got a stopped-up sink and a half-dead rubber tree plant." Ted snarks, "He's trying to grow his own condoms." Hee. Emmett takes Mike's bag into his old room. Emmett sighs that Mike and the Demon must be so happy. Mike answers that Hank and David are growing very close. Did you notice how he sidestepped Emmett's comment? DID YOU?! Mike then spouts off some crap about visiting the various natural wonders Portland has to offer. At the mention of Mike's and Demon's "new friends," T&E get all shirty. Friends? What new friends?! Friends you like better than you like us? Mike tells them that no one could ever replace them! Warm fuzzy kittens! Emmett says, sadly, that he will have to replace Mike, though. As a roommate, he means. Not that Emmett hasn't been trying, he's just gotten...distracted. Cut to a montage of potential roommates walking in the door, and then a flash of each of them fucking Emmett. Back to the present, where Emmett says he's seen some people, "only no one measures up." Ted snorts, "Maybe you need to re-think the interview process."
Behind a glass window at the hospital, Brian watches Justin toss and turn in his sleep. Brian pulls away from the window and snorts a popper. A nurse standing nearby asks Brian, "Crummy day?" Brian shrugs, "Yeah, but what's a little rain?" That will be his best line tonight. Cherish it. And wouldn't visiting hours be, like, way over? How did Brian even get up there? Anyway, the nurse offers Brian some tea. Brian doesn't answer. She offers him some soup. Brian doesn't answer some more, but kind of shakes his head. These two are obviously familiar with each other, though. The nurse tells Brian that the nurse who works the floor on Tuesdays and Thursdays said that Justin's motor skills are improving. But Justin tends to have temper tantrums when he gets frustrated. More new information. Brian, still trying to act like he doesn't care, says that there must be something the hospital can give Justin to calm him down. The nurse replies that "drugs can't solve everything." Brian snorts, "Where did you hear that?" The nurse casually replies, "If you ask me, what would help him the most is if he knew that you came here every --" Brian snaps, "No." And then proceeds to light a cigarette. In a hospital ward. He's polite enough, on the nurse's look, to offer her one. She declines. He scowls about the no-smoking-in-the-hospital rule. Ass. As the nurse walks away, Brian goes back to staring at Justin through the window.
Liberty Diner. Cut to Debbie, all P-FLAG'ed out, arms open wide. Christ, her t-shirt says, "I love my penis!" I shudder to think which one she claims is hers. If it's Mike's, this might explain a lot. Debbie exclaims, "Come and give your mother a hug!" Mike cautiously asks, "Promise to let me go this time?" Debbie promises, then wraps him up in a big ole hug. Feeling his back, she complains that Mike's lost a lot of weight. From the back of the room, Melanie calls, "What the hell have you been eating out there, nuts and berries?" She and Lindsay get up from a booth they're sharing with Gus, and take their turns giving Mike a hug. They're both wearing tank-top-y shirts, no bras, and tight jeans. They look damn good, too. Debbie says that she'll get him something to eat. Mike wanders over to the booth and asks what's up with all the papers on the table. Lindsay expositions that Chris Hobbes's sentencing is coming up in a few days, and the three women are organizing the local gay-friendly community to fill up the courtroom. Mike kisses Melanie on the cheek and says that Justin's lucky to have her looking after him. Melanie gripes that Brian, however, hasn't been to see Justin once! St. L. adds that every time they visit, Justin just wants to know where Brian is. Mel snarls, "Getting his dick sucked, that's where's Brian." St. L. ('cause the "L" still stands for "love") says that she's not sticking up for him, but she understands how hard this might be for Brian; furthermore, she compares his experience to that of combat veterans, and says that it might just "be too painful for him to have to face." Right. Or he could just be an ass. Show of hands? Debbie snorts, "To see a poor, hurt kid?" Mike shakes his head, "You weren't there that night, you didn't see Brian. In shock, with blood all over him? It was like he got the shit beat out of him, too." But he didn't. This is not Brian Kinney's tragedy. Debbie snorts, "If you ask me, he's still an asshole." Word. Lindsay and Mel break up the tension by getting ready to go, going on about "getting their hair done," "getting their manicures," "before [their] dates arrive!" Mike's all, say what? Lindsay's sister is getting married, and Melanie adds, "And the less said, the better." I couldn't agree more.
At the hospital, Jennifer Taylor talks to Justin's doctor outside the physical therapy room. They watch Justin try to roll a tennis ball with his partially paralyzed right hand. Wait, wasn't he hit on the right side of his head? Which would control the left side of his body? I assume the laws of biology are being broken here, because Justin draws with his right hand, so now he won't be able to. They couldn't have just had Chris Hobbes hit Justin on the left side of his head? Perhaps there is another explanation. We're not going to get it, though. Did CowLip really think no one was going to notice? The doctor asks Jennifer whether Justin always pushes himself so hard. Jennifer tells him how Justin learned to ride his first two-wheel bike by jumping on it one day and trying to pedal. He fell down many, many times, and wouldn't ask for help. He finally figured it out on his own -- broken, bloodied, but unbowed. She says, "He hasn't changed. When he wants something, he won't stop until he gets it." We know. The doctor says that it's paying off, though; Justin's well enough to go home. Jennifer starts to thank him when the tennis ball slips out of Justin's fingers and he yells in frustration. Jennifer asks the doctor whether he's sure Justin's ready. The doc says he's going to have to come in regularly for therapy, but, yeah, he's ready. Inside the room, the therapist presents Justin with a box of paper clips, spreading some of them on the table. Jennifer and the doctor watch Justin slowly pick up individual paper clips and put them back into the box. So, someone took enough time to figure out what type of physical therapy Justin would have, but not how to explain why he's been hit on the wrong side of his head. Excellent.
And now on to what I like to refer to as the "A-plot." "A" is in "asinine." Melanie and Lindsay accompany Ted and Emmett up the steps of a hotel. Emmett gripes that it's Saturday night, "and here [he is] dressed to go to a funeral." He is, by the way, wearing a nice grey suit over a dark blue shirt and short tie. Ted sneers, "Close. A hetero wedding." Ah, yes. Reverse discrimination. My favorite form of hypocrisy. Not that anyone's going to point it out here. Lindsay says something dumb about the boys not being able to "give up Babylon for one night." Ted starts to shake and says something stupid about withdrawal symptoms. Lindsay is wearing a blue sleeveless dress that ties behind her neck and requires her once again to go braless. Melanie looks much better in a similarly styled but elegant red dress that also requires her to go braless. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Ted looks like he just got off work.
Ted, Emmett, Melanie and Lindsay enter the reception area, and some blonde walks right into the middle of the group to give Ted the elevator look. That was creepy. Melanie giggles, "Too bad you're not straight, you could really score big-time." Another woman -- a brunette this time -- checks Ted out, too. Emmett: "It's hard to believe, but in this parallel universe, you're actually hot." Ted's not thrilled. A waitress comes by with drinks. Emmett: "Pink champagne. Yeah. That's too nelly, even for me." Oh, please. It is NOT. Lindsay apologizes for "making [them] pretend to be our dates." Um. What?! Her sister Lynette "insisted that Mel and I not draw attention to ourselves." Okay, it's one thing if you decide to go to your sister's wedding, but to drag your partner of six years, with whom you are raising a child, into this farce? And your friends? She couldn't have just gone alone? Melanie didn't have to come, and if I were her, I certainly wouldn't have. As if to underscore my point, Melanie snarls, "What, did she think we were going to perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?" Lindsay lames, "I'd promise I'd follow wedding etiquette." Emmett checks out one of the ushers passing by, and replies, "Well, I've read Miss Manners cover to cover, and nowhere does it say that you must subjugate your sexuality, even at the bride's request." There are so many things wrong with this. So many better ways to get to the punchline. Surely it can't be that hard for a team of professional writers, directors, and producers to come up with something. If Lindsay were still in the closet, she'd still be lame, but it would be sort of, kind of understandable, not to mention interesting. But she's not. After this, I don't have to sit through anyone else pretending to be straight, right? Because it was idiotic when Emmett did it, painful when Michael did it, pointless when Brian and Lindsay did it, traumatizing when Justin did it, and now that Melanie and Ted get to do it, we're done, right? Right? Now there's some blah blah blahhotcake about one of the ushers, and does Miss Manners say it's okay to fuck the usher, and Emmett says something dumb about it being fine, just not during the ceremony, and didn't Will and Grace already cover this territory?
Finally, Lindsay's parents come up and give St. L. a big hug. Mr. and Mrs. Petersen are named "Ron" and "Nancy." Yes. I know. Mrs. Petersen coolly greets Melanie. Melanie greets her back, nice and polite. St. L. introduces Ted and Emmett; Ted explains, "We're their beards." Just in case they didn't remember their daughter's a lesbian. Ron asks them if they're ready to hear "'Here comes the bride.' Again." This is Lynette's third wedding in five years. But the last one Ron's paying for. I believe that Miss Manners notes that second weddings and third weddings are up to the bride and groom -- so much for etiquette. So, Lesbian Lindsay is more capable of commitment than Lascivious Lynette. Her sister is a hypocrite, in the manner of heterosexuals Pittsburgh-wide. Everybody on the same page, here? Don't make me pull out the flow chart and the crayons. Moving on. Emmett's usher comes over to tell the Reagans it's time for the ceremony, and everyone heads off. Except Lindsay and Melanie forget, and throw their arms around each other's waists. Ted and Emmett have to remind them that they're no longer gay. Gack.
Brian's loft. As Brian closes the door, Mike complains that he left four messages for him. Brian repeats that he's been busy. Mike's not buying it. Brian asks if Mike wants dinner, and throws him a bag of chips. Michael is like, a bag of chips isn't dinner! Brian says something dumb about the potato chips plus a bottle of scotch being part of a healthy diet. Mike non sequiturs about never eating again because Debbie stuffed him full of food at the diner. No one cares. Is there a point here? Where is it? Here it is: Brian asks, "Well, who told you to eat it?" Mike says that no one did, but that it makes Debbie happy. Brian replies, "Well, there you go, Ladies and Gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea, severe cramps, even diarrhea." That took five billion years, and Mikey doesn't even catch on. Instead, he gets into Brian's face and grins, "Got any Tums?" For a moment, Brian gives it up and grins back. Apropos of nothing, Brian asks what "Tums" spelled backwards is. Together, the two answer, "smut." Because they're twelve. Brian asks why Mike is back in Pittsburgh. Mike says that he's on vacation. Brian points out that there are many nicer places he could go to. I get up and get some coffee so that I can stay awake until somebody, anybody says something that moves the plot along. Mike says that the Pitts is his home. Brian says it isn't anymore, though. I should have put the coffee in a bigger cup. Brian asks who else Mike is planning to visit while he's in town. Duh. Justin's . This gives Brian the opportunity to huff and puff and claim that he has no idea how Justin is, which gives Mike the opportunity to admonish Brian about not going to see the young lad. Which gives the audience the opportunity to scream, "We get it! Brian's avoiding Justin! You've told us five times already! Jesus!" But no. Brian asks why he should see Justin. Mike says it might make Justin happy. Brian repeats that making other people happy can be dangerous for one's health. I would like to point out again that nothing happened to Brian. Mike replies that making yourself miserable is dangerous, too. Gale Harold almost flubs his reply about Mike "sav[ing] his worried-wife routine for the doc." And then tries to get Mike to go to Woody's with him. Mike doesn't want to go to Woody's. I do, though. There's no alcohol here. Brian lames that it's part of "the tour." Mike finally agrees, because he still doesn't have a spine. Brian insists on showering first. Mike walks over to watch surreptitiously as Brian undresses. Brian has the bloody scarf from prom night wrapped around his chest under his shirt. Eww. That's just fucked up. Took damn long to get there, too.
The Taylor condo. I guess Jennifer had to sell the house. Take note that at no time will Justin's father be mentioned. What was his response to the attack? Was he sympathetic to Hobbes? Or would the attack have drawn him and Justin closer together? Do you think we'll ever find out? Me neither. Debbie and Vic fight their way to the front door through a throng of reporters. One of them knocks into Vic, who knocks into Debbie just as Jennifer opens the door. They walk up the stairs into the apartment as Jennifer explains that the hospital must have tipped off the reporters. Jennifer notices that Debbie has spilled marinara sauce all over the front of her shirt. It looks like there's blood all over her. This will be important later. Debbie tells Jennifer that they have a lot of people coming to the courtroom for the sentencing. Jennifer says that she and Justin aren't going, actually. Debbie is disappointed, but understands. After commenting on all the food they brought, Jennifer anxiously says that she hasn't been able to get Justin to eat. Behind them, Justin replies, "Of course I'll eat." Justin has his right hand stuck in his sweatshirt pocket. Jennifer nervously tells him that she thought he was taking a nap. Justin says he's fine: "Don't I look it?" Vic tells him that he does, indeed. Debbie tears up a little bit, and opens up her arms to give Justin a hug. Justin sees the stain on her shirt and freaks, curling up in a ball and jumping away from her. Jennifer calmly tells him that it's just marinara sauce. Debbie's devastated once she realizes what happened, but she and Vic finally rally and call everyone over to the table to eat.
Later that evening, Daphne drives Justin around as he kvetches about the visit. "'Honey.' 'Sweetheart.' 'Sunshine.' Chris Hobbes bashes me in the head, and suddenly everyone wants to infantilize me!" Daphne points out that he could have died. Justin sarcastically replies, "I was there." Daphne says that everyone's going to freak when they realize he bailed. Justin says he left a note: "Back soon. Love and kisses." Daphne giggles, 'cause Justin's soooo cool. Three guesses as to where they're headed. Yup. Daphne drops Justin off on Liberty Avenue, at exactly the same spot we first saw him in the series premiere. Justin awkwardly puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it. Daphne asks, "Will you be okay?" Oh, sure. He just got out of the hospital, he can only use one hand, he's obsessing over Brian, and it's his first time outside in over a month. He'll be fine. Don't worry your pretty little head about it. Justin says that he's not sure if he'll be okay, but he must. Find. BRIAN. Daphne doesn't offer to park the car and hang out with him until he does or doesn't find Brian, like an actual friend would. She's just CowLip's taxi service. Bye, Daphne.
Justin walks down the street, and starts to freak out a little at how many people are there. He edges away from them through a series of nauseating jump-cuts. Someone taps him on the shoulder and asks if he's all right; Justin screams at the guy not to touch him, and runs down the street.
Meanwhile, in Woody's, Brian's downing shots while Michael frowns at him. Brian asks, "So, how are the boys in Portland? I bet with all that rain, they have perfect peach and cream cheeks." Mike says he "hasn't had a chance to do a butt check" while checking out the butt of some tall stud walking by. Brian notices what happened, but doesn't say anything. Mike continues that he and the Demon have "better ways of spending their time." Brian's all, like what? Oh, you know, cooking, reading, and listening to music. Brian snorts, "And then checking each other's pulses to make sure you're still alive?" Hey, don't knock it. Brian adds, "If it was me, I'd be out all night, topping the tall timbers." Mike: "Yeah, well, that's why we have environmental protection laws." Brian: "You know, Mikey, tell me. Does a lumberjack off?" No, tell me: Was it really this hard to fill an hour of screen time? I'm just saying, if an episode is going to be this bad, they should have way more naked men. Mike's had enough, and asks Brian what's going on. Mike points out that Brian is a "fall-down mess." Brian mumbles that he's "beautiful. I'll always be beautiful. You said so yourself." He offers Mike a popper. Mike refuses, then repeats, for the umpteenth time, that Brian's cut himself off from everyone, and drinking way more than he usually does; he suggests that Brian might need to seek professional help. Brian angrily rejects that notion. He's fine, dammit! Fine! So Mike can just go back to Portland and his domestic life with the Demon and leave Brian alone! Mike asks, again, why Brian hasn't gone to see Justin. Brian snaps that there isn't anything he can do for Justin, and stalks off. Of course, he is seeing Justin, so the question is, what is seeing Justin doing for Brian, and why he doesn't want Justin to see him? No one's going to get around to asking that, either. Justin walks into Woody's and is immediately surrounded by a group of people who recognize him from the news. Justin freaks out some more, and tells everyone to get away from him, backing up until he's finally cowering in a corner, facing the wall. Mike pushes through the crowd to get to the boy, and quietly identifies himself. Justin turns around just as Brian comes back to the bar. Justin's and Brian's eyes meet. Our old friend The Zoom Flash confirms Brian's surprise.
Meanwhile, back at the Wedding from Hell, the reception is in full swing. Straight people are dancing badly to the Go-Gos. Are they ripping on the Go-Gos? As if things aren't bad enough. At the gift table, Lindsay and Melanie start tossing the boxes around a little. "At the first marriage, she was registered at Tiffany's," Lindsay giggles. "The second, Pottery Barn. The third, The Big Q." There might be a double meaning in that, as we'll see in a moment. Melanie, with just a hint of sour grapes, replies, "Pathetic, isn't it? Straight people and their silly little rituals?" Uh huh. Like Jewish people and their silly little brises? Whatever. Ted walks up and reminds her that if she and St. L. could get married, they would. Melanie gripes that they can't, however, "so what's the point?" Because if they can't, then no one should, right? Melanie takes a drag on her cigarette. Lindsay reminds her that "the bride requested no smoking." Melanie snorts, "Fuck the bride!" The Bride immediately walks up behind her. Lynette looks like she's Lindsay's older sister by a bit. At least she's not wearing a white dress this time. Melanie says that it was a beautiful wedding. Lindsay adds, "Just like they've all been." No one's forcing you to be there, Lindsay. Ted says that the chicken was really good. Lynette tells him it was a capon. Ted replies, "Well, it tasted just like chicken." Hee. In the bushes, Emmett's giving the usher a blowjob. He stands up, daintily wipes the corners of his mouth, and makes to join the others at the table. Melanie tries to cover her remark: "I was just saying, you must really be looking forward to the honeymoon. Where are you off to this time?" Bwa ha ha! Lynette refuses to take the bait, and delightedly tells them that she and her new husband are going to Borneo. Ted: "Don't they have a lot of pigs there?" Always room for two more, I'm sure. Emmett finally joins them, saying that he's having a much better time than he thought he would. Ted points out that he missed a spot on his mouth. Is there a per-recap limit for the word "eww"? Lynette invites them to come in for the cake cutting. Lindsay's giving the toast. Lynette pulls Lindsay aside and thanks her for not embarrassing her: "Not that I have anything against Melanie, and I adore Gus, but considering it is my wedding...after all, I just didn't see any reason to be subjected to --" Lindsay cuts in to say, "An undignified display of my private life?" Even though Lynette's invited everyone to an undignified display of hers, of course. And made her parents pay for it, even. Lynette laughs uncomfortably, touches her much younger sister briefly on the cheek, and goes back into the hall.
Cake-cutting. Lindsay gets everyone's attention. She introduces herself, and congratulates Lynette and Hubby #3. He's handsome, but wait. What's that sound? Is that my gaydar going off? Lindsay then says, "To stand in front of your family and friends, to declare your love and commitment in the eyes of God is a privilege -- not to be taken lightly." Burn! Lindsay continues, "Because I've shared a commitment with my partner for six wonderful years, even though we're not married." Lynette's looking nervous. So's Melanie. Lindsay keeps going: "And that's because we're not allowed to. But that shouldn't stop two people from doing what they want. Should it? So, I'd like to ask my beloved, 'Will you marry me?'" Melanie looks like she wants to crawl under the carpet and die. Lindsay laughs in glee at her own boldness and runs over to hug Melanie. And I have to give props to the woman playing Lynette -- not everyone can turn purple on cue like that.
At Brian's, Justin sits at the counter and animatedly recounts his injuries. He gestures to the right side of his head, where he was hit. With his left hand, he takes the water Brian offers him. His useless right hand stays in his pocket. Justin tells Brian that if he'd gotten hit a little harder or in a slightly different place, he'd be a complete vegetable. As it is, he's a miracle of science -- the only person whose motor skills are wired completely differently from anyone else's on the planet. Justin further explains that Hobbes only damaged the cerebral motor strip. Brian makes a dumb joke, asking if that's "a drag race to [Justin's] brain." Justin says it's the part of the brain that controls motor functions. Brian nods, "I know. I attended eighth grade." Unlike the writers, apparently. Justin says that he might never draw again. Brian snorts, "They're always telling people they'll never walk again, or draw again, or piss again, so when you finally do you'll think they're geniuses, and they can charge you whatever the fuck they want." After another deadening moment of silence, Justin asks why Brian didn't come to see him. Brian asks why he should have. For the third time -- or is it the fourth? -- Justin points out that he was in a coma for a couple of weeks, then in rehab for a month. Brian replies, "You know, if you really want to regain the agility and strength in your hand, I suggest jerking off several times a day. It works like magic." Justin and I roll our eyes. Justin says that Brian should have at least called to make sure Justin was still alive. Brian points out that he obviously would have heard if Justin wasn't, and that there's nothing Brian could have done for Justin, anyway.
Justin nods and changes the subject, sort of, telling Brian that he doesn't really remember anything. The last thing he recalls is Brian saying that he wasn't going to go to the prom. "But they say that you did show up after all," Justin adds. "And that we danced together. And that was amazing. Daphne said that we were amazing." Brian puts a lump in my throat by answering softly, "We were all right." Justin grins and then shakes his head, "Shit." He adds, "I wish I could remember that." Justin continues by saying that he walked Brian to the Jeep, and then Chris bashed his head in with a baseball bat. Brian thought Justin couldn't remember anything. Justin reminds him that this is just what he's been told: "It's like a story that happened to somebody else." Brian snaps, "Yeah, well, I can remember. I can remember everything!" He stalks dramatically out to the middle of the loft, and with his back turned to Justin continues, "I saw him. He was coming after you with the bat. But he was moving too fast, and you were too far away." We get flashbacks to that scene as Brian describes it: "And I ran, but there was no time to stop him. And then he swung, and it was too late. There was nothing I could do. And you just lay there on the cold cement." Justin tells Brian that it wasn't his fault. Brian doesn't respond. Justin moves around so they're facing each other, and repeats that it wasn't Brian's fault. Brian's having problems looking at him. Justin cautiously takes Brian by the shoulders, repeating, "It wasn't your fault" a couple more times. Justin finally hugs Brian, who tentatively hugs him back. One hour. One good scene. I see hiring all those new writers really helped.
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. Emmett comes back from the wedding, bouquet and usher in tow. The usher's carrying a piece of cake, which Emmett takes from him to give to Michael. He opens the door to Mike's bedroom and finds him having sex with the guy he was checking out at Woody's. Emmett quietly closes the door.
Outside the condo, Brian drops Justin off. Justin thanks him: "For saving me." Brian says that he didn't save him. Justin replies that he was talking about tonight. I'm not sure what he means; Mike's the one who pushed away the crowds at Woody's. Sweet thing to say, but incomprehensible. Nothing new. Moving on. Justin asks if he'll see Brian again, and Brian agrees. Possibly another parallel to last year's premiere, when Brian answered the same question, "You'll see me in your dreams." Justin tells him not to wait too long: "At this rate, who knows how long I'll be around?" Brian winces. Justin chuckles. That didn't make any sense, either. Jennifer opens the door right as Justin walks up, and rails at him for leaving. She briefly glares at Brian before pushing Justin inside the house.
Mike and Emmett's. Mike tries to get the guy from Woody's out of the apartment before Emmett sees him. Mike's completely naked, and I have to say -- nice butt. As Mike tiptoes back to his room, Emmett turns on the light over the couch, where he's been observing all this. "So," Emmett asks, "How was your piece of cake?"
The Happy Fun House. Still Happy, still Fun, since Lindsay's mother is yelling at her over the phone. Lying topless in bed, Lindsay yells back that Melanie did not put her up to it. Mel leans over and drawls, "That's right, blame the Jew!" Heh. Lindsay explodes, "If Lynette can get married three times, then why can't I?!" Through the phone, we can hear Nancy say things like, "Two women cannot get married. How are we going to show our faces?" Lindsay ignores her and cheerfully replies, "Love to Daddy. Can't wait to see the video." Snicker. She slams the phone down and says that she can't believe how upset her parents are. Is she kidding? Melanie shrugs it off, saying, "Fear not. In time, they'll sweep it underneath their WASPy rugs and forget all about it." Lindsay doesn't want to forget about it, however: "I want full and equal recognition -- if not by the law, then at least in my parents' house!" Melanie climbs out of bed, with no pajama bottoms on, and sighs, "I'd count on getting hitched in Mississippi first." Lindsay tries to pull her back into bed, but Melanie's already pulling on her panties. Lindsay says that Melanie hasn't answered her question -- does she wanna get hitched? Melanie didn't think Lindsay was serious. Lindsay says she was dead serious: "Why do they get to receive everyone's blessings and presents and we don't?" Melanie says she knew it was about presents! Snicker. And, anyway, weren't these two wearing wedding rings last season? What, did they just toss them to each other one night after one too many beers at Woody's? Melanie adds, "For one thing, it's not even legal, and for another, you know how I feel about weddings. They're meaningless, antiquated rituals for heterosexuals." Lindsay choruses in on that last sentence. She's heard it before. Melanie kisses her and continues, "We have a marriage. And a family. Six years strong. Give or take a few bumps in the road." Although it would be nice, Mel says, to have a big party and get a bunch of presents, they certainly don't need it to prove that they love each other: "So, let's go grab our kid and get some brunch." Ah, yes, brunch. Once described to me as "church for gay people." Lindsay grumps on the bed.
Mike and Emmett's. Ted's joined them for Chinese take-out. Emmett grins, "If I knew how many men you could meet at straight functions, I would have started going years ago." Ted congratulates him for finding "the one truffle in the garden." Emmett says, "I wouldn't be so sure. I have my suspicions about the groom." Shout-out! Mike's awfully quiet, so Ted asks him how his evening went. Emmett smirks, "He brought home a nice centerpiece of his own." Ted's startled, but recovers: "Well. You certainly didn't waste any time, did you? In town less than twenty-four hours." Emmett shrugs, "Why shouldn't he get a little action? He's outside the four-hundred-mile limit for extramarital quickies and anonymous assignations." Mike stays quiet. Emmett continues, "Mind you, if you want to do anything further, you'll have to do overseas travel and a fourteen-minimum day stay..." Mike's not sayin' nuthin'. Eeyore pouts, "I just thought, with everything you wrote, you know. That you and [Demon] were so in love. So committed." Emmett answers for his once and future roommate: "Every relationship has its own set of rules. Their arrangement is none of our business. Right, sweetie?" Yeah. Emmett wants to know what's up real bad. Mike finally blurts, "We broke up. It's over. David and I are over." Emmett shoots him a look of sympathy and then turns back to his food, calling it "the best dumplings [he's] ever had." Ted's like, did you hear what Mike said? Emmett heard, and then demands to know why Mike didn't say anything. Mike says he was going to, "when the time was right." T&E and I roll our eyes. And it's really starting to hurt. Mikey pouts, "But there's never a right time to admit that you failed. That you had this great opportunity to start your life over with someone that you loved, or thought you loved, and you blew it. I blew it. I complained that David was working too much, and that I couldn't find a job, and that I didn't have any friends. And when I accused him of being thoughtless and not caring, and said that if I knew it was going to be like this, I never would have come, he said, 'Well, go home, Michael!' Go home." Ted throws an arm around him and replies, "I wouldn't say that you failed." Emmett adds that it's not true that Michael doesn't have any friends: "'Cause you still got us." Ted says there's no shame in coming home: "That's what it's here for."
The Sentencing Hearing of Chris Hobbes. Chris, all cleaned up and spit-shined, and, uh, blonder for some reason, stands as the judge speaks. Mike, Debbie, Melanie, Lindsay, and Vic sit in the front row. This speech is a kicker: "The fact that Christopher Hobbes pled guilty on assault charges for his vicious attack on Justin Taylor in no way mitigates the seriousness of this crime, or the tragic effects on both these young men's lives. Both were honor students at St. James Academy; both were planning to attend college. Now one young man is recovering from serious brain injuries, and the other is facing a prison sentence. I ask myself, how could this have happened?" On cue, Debbie snarls, "Chris Hobbes is a homophobic animal!" To Michael, sitting to her, she adds, "He should be put away." Mike nods in agreement, trying to shut her up. The judge continues, "I can only imagine how profoundly disturbing it must have been for a young man of Chris Hobbes's fine, moral upbringing to be approached sexually by a male student, then to see him flaunt his lifestyle by bringing his male lover to the prom and engaging in what has been described as a highly provocative dance." Okay. Let me get this straight. How is it that he knows about Chris's and Justin's tryst, but doesn't know that it was consensual? And didn't know that Chris had been harassing Justin all year? I realize that this is a sentencing hearing and not a trial, but witnesses still give testimony. Justin didn't send in a statement? Brian didn't testify? Or Daphne? Hel-loooo? Anyway. Brian walks in the courtroom and sits in the row behind his friends. The judge further intones, "Given the fact that he was drinking -- which he should not have been -- I could understand how Chris Hobbes might lose control of his better judgement. Still, this does not excuse his actions." Might lose control of his better judgement by finding a baseball bat somewhere, running down to the parking garage, and bashing Justin's head in? I mean, he had to find a baseball bat, then figure out where Justin was going. And how's Chris's leg, by the way? The judge says that he has struggled over a decision...but now he needs to take a recess. The gang's all, where the hell is he going? Melanie explains the origin of his nickname, "Regular Roy." Every day at 12:15, no matter what, the judge hops over to the bathroom across the hall, goes into the stall closest to the window, and takes a dump while smoking a cigarette. T&E think she's kidding. We get to see that she's not. Judge Roy returns, and finishes up. He accepts Hobbes's guilty plea and adds, "Because of your age, because you have no offenses, and because you were unduly provoked, you are hereby given a two-year suspended sentence and ordered to serve five hundred hours of community service." And that's that. O.J....I'm sorry, Hobbes smirks and shakes his lawyer's hand. Debbie protests, "No, that's not right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!" Brian leaves the courtroom in shock.
Outside, Debbie is near tears. She can't believe Chris got off. Melanie says that that's how it works: "He pleaded guilty, the prosecutor reduced the charge from aggravated to simple assault, and Roy sent him off with probation and service." Debbie cries, "He'd have gotten more for bashing a dog!" Too true. Mike tries to lead his mother away, and Debbie agrees to go home: "But not to rest. I'm going to call every P-FLAG chapter in this country; we're not putting up with this for one fuckin' second. We're going to march, and we're going to carry huge signs, and let this asshole judge know what we think of him." Vic tries to shush her. Like that ever works. Debbie rushes over and tries to get in Hobbes's face, but her family pulls her away. Mike tries to calm her down by saying that Hobbes won't get away with it. Except he already has.
Mike and Brian are in Brian's loft. Brian exclaims, "All protests are bullshit. Well-meaning do-gooders marching around, carrying signs. Chanting? 'Hey, hey, ho, ho, homophobia's got to go'? " Mike takes this to mean Brian won't be joining in. Brian snorts, "Jesus, what the fuck did I ever do without you to harangue me? When the hell are you going back, anyway?" Mike slowly replies that he's not going back. Brian nods, "I know." Mike's like, did T&E tell you? No, somehow Brian figured it out by himself: "I knew it wouldn't work out." Mike grumps, "Right as usual." Hardly ever, actually. Just lucky this time. Brian's like, "It's not about me" (as snow falls somewhere in Hawaii); it's about Mike, "Did you really think you'd be happy living in Wisconsin as a doctor's wife?" Mike says that he was in Oregon. Brian doesn't care. Mike sighs, "Maybe that's the problem. I don't know where the fuck I belong." Brian grabs his arm and pulls Mike down for a kiss, replying, "There. That's where." Well, that clears it up. Thanks. Brian tells Mike to go help his mom, "and make the world safe for fags." Mike laughs and asks Brian what he's reading; it looks like their old Chemistry book from high school. Brian futzes that he's doing some research for a new pharmaceutical client. Mike grins, "Well, you must be thrilled. You'll be able to get E wholesale."
Back in the courtroom bathroom. Judge Roy primps in the mirror, then takes his usual stall. He sits down, groaning in satisfaction. When he's done, he puts out his cigarette, then tries to get up off of the toilet. But he's stuck to it. Very stuck. Yeah, this totally beats filing a civil suit against Hobbes for damages.
At Woody's, the gang watch a news report about Judge Roy's mishap. They were able to get him free after fourteen hours. Melanie snarks, "The seat of justice has been severely compromised." Emmett drawls, "No skin off my ass." Ted nods, "I bet he wishes he could say the same thing." Lindsay wonders who did it. Light dawns on Mike's face, and he walks over to Brian. "You know what this reminds me of? That time in Chemistry class when you said you were going to invent synthetic cum, and you made that goo? And you put it all over the toilet seat in the teacher's lounge and Mrs. Renfro got glued to it." Brian kind of grins, then takes off before Mike can say anything else.
Outside the Taylor Condo, Justin and Brian toss around a whiffle ball. Daphne watches, sitting on the steps with Brian. Justin says that he knew Chris Hobbes was going to go free: "They don't care about us; they wish we were all dead." Brian tells him to not worry about it, just to keep throwing the ball. Justin curses when his hand seizes up. Brian encourages the boy to keep trying. Daphne applauds his attempts, because that's what she's there for. Justin poo-poohs her, because that's also what she's there for. But you know he's pleased. Jennifer drives up. She greets Daphne and, after a moment, greets Brian, too. Brian explains that they were just tossing the ball around, Mrs. Taylor, ma'am. Jennifer tells Justin to go inside and rest. Justin protests that he's not tired, so she clarifies that she wants to speak to Brian. Alone. Brian tells him to go ahead. Justin mopes inside, taking Daphne with him.
Once they're alone, Jennifer says, "The day they sent him home from the hospital, the doctor said he'd never seen such a determined patient, and then he asked what it was that made him work so hard. It was you. Every day that you didn't come to see him was more incentive for him to get better so he could get out and see you. Of course, what Justin didn't know, and I didn't tell him, was that you were there, every night. The nurse on duty told me. I want to thank you for that. But he's home now, safe and sound, and there isn't any reason anymore for you to watch over him, so I would like you to leave. And never see him again." Brian says that he cares about Justin. Jennifer snaps that it was because of Brian that Justin was almost killed. Uh. No, it wasn't. Brian takes it, though. Jennifer apologizes "for being so blunt," adding, "I've tried to accept him for who he is. To accept your world and his part in it. I've even tried to accept you. And as a result, I nearly lost him. And I don't intend to lose him again. And so, if you really care about him, and I believe you do, you'll do what I ask, and return my son to me." Baby, your "son" is long gone. In what universe does she think Justin's going to accept this? Brian tries to come up with something to say, but finally just hands her the whiffle ball and walks to his car. Looking down the street, he sees two boys tossing a baseball to each other. Brian takes a depth breath, gets into the Jeep, and drives away.
week: Debbie yells at Mike to get over the Demon and get on with his life; Ted gets fired; Mike and Emmett become naked waiters; Justin throws many tantrums out of frustration. And that's before he finds out that Jennifer told Brian to go away. Drama! I cross my fingers for a good episode. I'd even settle for a better one.