Home Is Where the Ass Is

First, I'd like to thank my mother. Due to a series of unfortunate cable-related incidents, I had to watch the show at her place. Yes, she stayed in her bedroom. Yes, I tried to keep the volume low in the living room and turned the channel whenever she walked in. Yes, everyone pretended it wasn't really happening. At one point earlier that evening, I accidentally flipped to Sex and the City just as Sam said the word "masturbation." Mom and I both screamed. To paraphrase Pat Conroy, you can never get rid of a Christian fundamentalist upbringing. The best you can do is make that sucker float.

Scenes from the season finale start us up. To wit: Justin asked Brian to the prom and they had a fabulous time, right up until Chris Hobbes hits Justin in the head with a baseball bat. Michael decided to move to Portland with the evil doctor, but not before yelling at him for being an inconsiderate, overbearing, controlling schmuck. Demon waited apprehensively on the plane as Mike checked his cell phone messages at the gate. And, finally, Michael comforted a crying Brian at the hospital.

It's the Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Oh! How I've missed them! Is that intro brighter than usual, or is it just me?

Babylon! HDGBs jiggle and groove under flashing neon lights; gold glitter falls around them. Ted, dressed like Ted, stands at the bar with Emmett, who's sporting a pink tank top over pink fatigues. Away from all the action, as usual. Emmett drawls, as he ogles a passing HDGB, "You know, some people might say the Grand Canyon or Big Sur, but I think some of the finest vistas to be found anywhere in these United States are right here in Pittsburgh." Ted grumps that it looks pretty "barren" to him. Emmett tells him to cheer up as the camera inexplicably cuts to a go-go dancer jumping up and down, so his silver g-string flops all over the place. Wow, that's got to hurt. Multiply that by two, and now you know why I don't jog. Emmett tells Ted to snap out of it: "There's got to be someone in this vast panorama of sweaty bodies who you're just dying to have reject you!" Here's hoping! Ted mopes that he's still in "mourning." Poor Eeyore. Not over Blake, yet, apparently. Emmett snaps that it's time to knock it off: "You know, even Jackie finally took off the widow's weeds, got up off of all fours, married some rich old man, and went shopping again." What was she doing on all fours? Why do I even ask? Is Emmett drunk? Emmett asks Ted at least to try to get back into the game. Ted sighs and looks around. He spots someone on the other side of the bar whose back is turned to them, and decides that's his rejecter. Emmett asks Ted to point the guy out again. Ted does, gesturing over to a short guy with black hair, wearing a blue and red shirt. Emmett agrees that he's cute. Ted nods, "He's hot." The guy turns around. It's Mike. Snicker. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, some things never change. Hold onto that thought.

Ted and Emmett are overjoyed to see Mike, and run over. Why he didn't tell him them he was coming? Mike claims it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Either that, or Chris Potter's contract is up. You be the judge. Mike says that the Demon took his son Hank camping (a.k.a. "The Bataan Death March, Part Two"), so Mikey thought he'd fly back home for a visit. Unannounced. Or something. Uh huh. Emmett, grasping Mike's face (he has to be drunk), tells Mike he looks adorable. And hot. "Doesn't he look hot, Ted?" Emmett asks. Ted glares at Emmett, then changes the subject by suggesting that they all get a drink. Emmett asks how long Mike will be in town. Supposedly it's just long enough to see them and his family, and -- all together now -- Brian. Of course, Brian. It's always Brian. By the way, where is Brian? Ted and Emmett tell Mike that Brian's not there. Mike thoughtfully frowns that of course Brian's not there: "Not after what happened." What, did his dick fall off? Actually, T&E meant that Brian's not on the dance floor. He's in the Back Room. Of Sex. Mike is shocked at such insensitive behavior. Even though, if he really thought Brian wasn't there, why did Mike even come there? Yeah. I know. It's only going to get worse from here, so buckle up.

Looks like we have a new Back Room of Sex. It's no longer blue, the stalactites are gone, and it's a lot darker in there. Multi-colored shadows dot the room, and various male body parts emerge from them. You know I'm not making this shit up. Mike nods at one guy named Todd, and asks how it's going. Same guy he asked during the series premiere, in exactly the same sexual position, if I remember correctly. Cute. Mike keeps wandering through the BRoS, so that we can get a good look at all the naked men having fake sex with each other. You know, one man's mouth nowhere near another man's penis. Another man pumping into nothingness, firm buttocks clenched. Got it. Let's keep moving. Mike bravely marches through all the fake moaning until he finds Brian. Brian sits in a chair, staring blankly ahead while two guys gnaw on his lap. He looks up and casually says, "Hey, Mikey." Mike's all, "Is that all you have to say to me?!" Brian, who looks like he's not having nearly as much fun as you and I would if we were getting a blowjob from two men, replies, "No," and then tells one of the guys dutifully sucking away, "Cover your teeth." Mike scolds that he's been emailing and calling Brian every day for almost a month, and hasn't gotten any response. Brian snarks that he's been busy. Mike snaps, "What, up to your old tricks?" Brian replies, "Never old ones. And never the same ones twice." Yada yada. Yawn. Mike disapprovingly hovers over Brian until Brian pushes the vacuum twins away. I didn't even realize there might be two of them until he said, "Okay, guys." The new Back Room of Sex needs better lighting.

Mike asks Brian if he's okay. Brian drones that he's not just okay, he's fabulous: "In fact, I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh." You know, after twenty-some odd episodes, no one's buying this crap anymore. Can Brian be numbing his emotions with anonymous sex? Wow, I wonder if also he's doing drugs as a way to drive away the reccurring images of Justin getting his head bashed in? Warning: we will be told how excessive his behavior is a couple dozen more times, even though it's no more excessive than we've ever seen from him. Brian wearily stands and asks the room if anyone has any ecstasy. A dozen hands reach out of the dark with tablets. If I were a vice cop, I would raid this place, like, all the time. Brian snags one, then asks Mike who told him that Brian was back there: "Rosencrantz or Guildenstern?" Random irrelevant Shakespearan reference. That's new. Brian's Hamlet, now, huh? His life. So tragic. Yawn. Mike says he probably could have figured it out on his own, since he took rocket science classes while he was in Portland. Yada. Brian takes off after some guy. Mike stamps his tiny little feet and pouts, "When am I going to see you again?!" Brian ignores him.

The hallway outside the once and future home of Mike and Emmett. I told you he'd be back. Emmett tells Mike not to take Brian's behavior personally, as if, again, this is any different from the way he normally behaves. Guess he hasn't read the recaps. Ted says that Brian's cut himself off from everyone. Emmett adds, "Everyone, that is, except for every slut in Pittsburgh with a smooth ass and a nine-inch cock." Ted finally points out that this is, as we all know, business as usual. Nothing to see here. Let's move along. Emmett shrugs, "But hey, when your boy toy gets broken, get another toy, right?" Okay, that's kind of harsh. Mike looks around the apartment and says it's great to be back. Ted's surprised, given the pictures he's seen of Demon's new house. Emmett replies, "Well, I might not have a pool or an atrium, but I've got a stopped-up sink and a half-dead rubber tree plant." Ted snarks, "He's trying to grow his own condoms." Hee. Emmett takes Mike's bag into his old room. Emmett sighs that Mike and the Demon must be so happy. Mike answers that Hank and David are growing very close. Did you notice how he sidestepped Emmett's comment? DID YOU?! Mike then spouts off some crap about visiting the various natural wonders Portland has to offer. At the mention of Mike's and Demon's "new friends," T&E get all shirty. Friends? What new friends?! Friends you like better than you like us? Mike tells them that no one could ever replace them! Warm fuzzy kittens! Emmett says, sadly, that he will have to replace Mike, though. As a roommate, he means. Not that Emmett hasn't been trying, he's just gotten...distracted. Cut to a montage of potential roommates walking in the door, and then a flash of each of them fucking Emmett. Back to the present, where Emmett says he's seen some people, "only no one measures up." Ted snorts, "Maybe you need to re-think the interview process."