“ 'Groundbreaking' television must include the word 'dick' as often as possible. ”
Mimi Rogers is back. Must find this woman's gay creds. Maybe she's just a long-time fruit fly or something. I mean, there was that marriage to Tom Cruise. I'm joking. Please, Mr. Cruise, send no flesh-eating lawyers this way. ["I thought it was because she was in Showtime's gay-themed mini-series A Girl Thing, but I was thinking of Kate Capshaw." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Mimi breaks last week's ep down: King of Babylon, Justin wins, steals Brian's trick, Vic gets arrested for indecent exposure, etc.
Random hotel ballroom. To applause, a disembodied voice introduces Adam Lyons, who will present this year's Atlas Awards. Adam Lyons -- a nice young man with floppy hair -- strides to the podium. Adam conveniently expositions, "At Kennedy and Collins, where I work in New York, we have a saying: 'The only thing better than great sex is a great ad campaign.'" One hopes their ad campaigns are catchier than their motto. The camera cuts to Brian, sitting at a table to his assistant, Cynthia. Brian, as usual, looks bored out of his mind. Adam continues that when he was trying to pick the Ad Person of the Year (of the whole world? Just in Pittsburgh? He's not saying), he was looking for "someone who could 'give great ad.' Someone whose work would make me stand up and take notice." Hmm. Could be a double meaning in that. I mean, it's so subtle and all. Adam announces that this year's winner of the Atlas is... Brian Kinney! Brian's all cool with it. Cynthia smiles, kisses him slowly on the cheek, wiggles her eyebrows and drawls, "Go get him, tiger...the award, I mean." Cynthia's fun. Brian walks up to the podium, accepts the award, shakes Adam's hand, and whispers, "Care to test that saying?" God. So, of course, later on, as the shmoozing rages down below, Brian and Adam have sex up on a balcony. More fake sex. Yay. Cynthia stands guard at the entrance, because straight women don't get to have their own lives on this show.
Chez Novotny, Vic sits on the couch with his hands tightly clenched, telling Melanie Marcus how he got arrested for indecent exposure. He, of course, has to point out that he had his dick out in the restroom when the guy to him started cruising him. "Groundbreaking" television must include the word "dick" as often as possible. My tenure here has made me a bitter woman, folks. No lie. Melanie Marcus, dressed in a black sleeveless turtleneck and nice slacks, asks whether Vic cruised him back. Not only does she look kick-ass this whole episode, but she gets something important to do. Michelle Clunie must be so happy. Vic says that he was just trying to go to the restroom. Mike storms in and says that the same thing happened to this guy at his gym. This "guy" was walking his dog. He started talking to this other guy, who invited him back to his place and then busted him. Justin, over in the corner, marvels that the police could actually do that. Melanie Marcus snorts that they can do anything they want. Justin shakes his head: "Fuck that. You'd better fight it." Debbie tells Justin not to put ideas in Vic's head. Huh? Justin points out that she urged him to fight for the Gay/Straight Student Alliance. Debbie says that this is different: "You're eighteen, and you're healthy." What?! Debbie asks Melanie Marcus what their other options are. MM says that Vic could always plead guilty. Justin looks skeptical. Mike asks whether Vic would have to go to jail; Melanie says that, since it's a first offense, he'd just have to pay a fine. Is it still a first offense even though he was caught with marijuana in his car a few years back? Does that count? Why am I asking? Does it matter? ["I think she means it's a first offense of this kind." -- Wing Chun] Vic says that he'll take it. MM points out that the rap will be on his record permanently, too, and that he'll have to register with the police as a sex offender. Nice. Vic sighs, "Well, there goes my shot at the Supreme Court." Justin repeats that Vic could plead not guilty. Since he's not guilty and all. Debbie tells Justin to shush. Melanie Marcus tells Vic that if he tries to fight it, he'll have to get up in front of a jury, be cross-examined by "some young, aggressive prosecutor from the D.A.'s office" -- as opposed to the public defender's office; thanks for the explanation, MM -- with the cop who busted him sitting in the front row. Vic says that he just can't do it. Debbie adds that he can't take any more stress. Which I would understand if they even showed that he was suffering from the effects of stress as it is. Which they haven't. Am I honestly supposed to believe that, just so he can skip what will amount to a few days' worry, Vic is willing to plead guilty to a crime he didn't commit? Especially one as political as this is? Seriously? Anyway, Mike says that it'll just be a misdemeanor on his record: "Who's going to know?" Well, at least now we know how he learned to navigate the path of least resistance. Justin answers, "He will."
Liberty Diner. Ted and Blake walk in. Blake's looking at the want ads in the paper. Ted snarks, "If you see anything in there for an accountant that includes world travel and an unlimited expense account, let me know." Blake says that he still has to find a job for himself. There's a lot of stuff in there, but "they all want training. Experience. References. Who's going to hire a crystal freak?" Ted corrects him -- that's former crystal freak, thank you very much. Ted adds that Blake should give himself more credit; Blake says that he owes everything to Ted. They kiss. At a booth across the diner, Emmett rolls his eyes. Em, get over it.
Ted and Blake see The Boys and go over to join them. Brian drawls, "Ted Schmidt, happy at last. It's fucking unbelievable." Ted just can't keep the grin off his face and is like, yeah, who would have guessed, huh? Mike grins, "Can we keep the passion down to a minimum? I have a boyfriend out of town and no means for release." Foreshadowing! Justin walks up with a water pitcher, and points out the new waiter. Cut to a dumb-looking version of Ryan Phillippe, who's sort of pacing behind the counter. The camera holds on him long enough to make you think he might have anything to do with tonight's story, but keep dreaming. Brian sneers, "You call that hot?" Justin's like, uh, yeah. Brian shrugs that, at Justin's age, that's not too surprising. Mike snorts that, at Brian's age, Brian wouldn't go after Phillippe Guy? Brian shakes his head: "I've moved beyond that." Which is what most people say when a sure thing becomes not so sure, but whatever. The Boys snicker. Emmett asks since when Brian's standards got so "high," and Brian says it's since the night before, when he "did the hottest guy in days." Everyone on the planet rolls their eyes. Although I did crack up at "in days." Brian explains that his trick works for an ad agency in New York, and that he told Brian he's wasting his time in Pittsburgh. Adam told Brian that there's a job opening in his agency for which Brian would be perfect. Damn. I already used my best line for that. Mike asks whether he's serious. Justin, shocked: "So, if you get this job, you're leaving?" Brian: "Not 'if.' When." Uh huh. What I like most about this episode. is QaF's brazen nerve in trying to pull a "look, Charlie Brown, here's a football" plot line four times in one season. In the first season! Where's the fire? I mean, there's plenty of sex; it's not it's not going to get cancelled. You think folks are checking back to see whether Justin's going to Dartmouth? Please.
Later, Mike, Emmett, and Ted walk and talk about Brian's possible departure. Emmett asks whether they think Brian was serious. Mike replies that it's probably Brian overreacting to a compliment from some New York bigwig. Emmett notes that Brian did send his rsum, and Ted snorts that it's just going to end up at the bottom of some pile: "Mine always do." Poor Eeyore. Mike climbs on that bandwagon: "There's probably a thousand other guys clamoring for the same job." Ted nods, "He's never going to hear from them again." Gee, I guess a friend who's doing way better than you are doesn't need your confidence or faith in his abilities. Working for an ad agency in New York, isn't like, the ultimate career move for Brian, or anything. Thanks, guys. Ted's cell phone rings. It's Melanie. Ted basically asks her to hire Blake. MM gasps, "God, you are so in luck. One of our assistants just quit this morning. Blake could start right away!" Ted: "Really?" MM: "Of course not. What do you think, jobs are just falling off trees?" Ha! Ted frowns, "No need to get cunty, I just thought I'd ask!" Melanie backs off and says that Blake is a nice guy, and he did help Vic out, so she agrees to take him on as a temp for a couple of weeks, and then maybe they could hire him, or at the very least act as a referral. Ted thanks her, and adds, "And, uh, Mel? You're not really -- you know." Melanie grins, "I know. You are." I like her soo much better when she gets to leave the house.