Mimi Rogers is back. Must find this woman's gay creds. Maybe she's just a long-time fruit fly or something. I mean, there was that marriage to Tom Cruise. I'm joking. Please, Mr. Cruise, send no flesh-eating lawyers this way. ["I thought it was because she was in Showtime's gay-themed mini-series A Girl Thing, but I was thinking of Kate Capshaw." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Mimi breaks last week's ep down: King of Babylon, Justin wins, steals Brian's trick, Vic gets arrested for indecent exposure, etc.
Random hotel ballroom. To applause, a disembodied voice introduces Adam Lyons, who will present this year's Atlas Awards. Adam Lyons -- a nice young man with floppy hair -- strides to the podium. Adam conveniently expositions, "At Kennedy and Collins, where I work in New York, we have a saying: 'The only thing better than great sex is a great ad campaign.'" One hopes their ad campaigns are catchier than their motto. The camera cuts to Brian, sitting at a table to his assistant, Cynthia. Brian, as usual, looks bored out of his mind. Adam continues that when he was trying to pick the Ad Person of the Year (of the whole world? Just in Pittsburgh? He's not saying), he was looking for "someone who could 'give great ad.' Someone whose work would make me stand up and take notice." Hmm. Could be a double meaning in that. I mean, it's so subtle and all. Adam announces that this year's winner of the Atlas is... Brian Kinney! Brian's all cool with it. Cynthia smiles, kisses him slowly on the cheek, wiggles her eyebrows and drawls, "Go get him, tiger...the award, I mean." Cynthia's fun. Brian walks up to the podium, accepts the award, shakes Adam's hand, and whispers, "Care to test that saying?" God. So, of course, later on, as the shmoozing rages down below, Brian and Adam have sex up on a balcony. More fake sex. Yay. Cynthia stands guard at the entrance, because straight women don't get to have their own lives on this show.
Chez Novotny, Vic sits on the couch with his hands tightly clenched, telling Melanie Marcus how he got arrested for indecent exposure. He, of course, has to point out that he had his dick out in the restroom when the guy to him started cruising him. "Groundbreaking" television must include the word "dick" as often as possible. My tenure here has made me a bitter woman, folks. No lie. Melanie Marcus, dressed in a black sleeveless turtleneck and nice slacks, asks whether Vic cruised him back. Not only does she look kick-ass this whole episode, but she gets something important to do. Michelle Clunie must be so happy. Vic says that he was just trying to go to the restroom. Mike storms in and says that the same thing happened to this guy at his gym. This "guy" was walking his dog. He started talking to this other guy, who invited him back to his place and then busted him. Justin, over in the corner, marvels that the police could actually do that. Melanie Marcus snorts that they can do anything they want. Justin shakes his head: "Fuck that. You'd better fight it." Debbie tells Justin not to put ideas in Vic's head. Huh? Justin points out that she urged him to fight for the Gay/Straight Student Alliance. Debbie says that this is different: "You're eighteen, and you're healthy." What?! Debbie asks Melanie Marcus what their other options are. MM says that Vic could always plead guilty. Justin looks skeptical. Mike asks whether Vic would have to go to jail; Melanie says that, since it's a first offense, he'd just have to pay a fine. Is it still a first offense even though he was caught with marijuana in his car a few years back? Does that count? Why am I asking? Does it matter? ["I think she means it's a first offense of this kind." -- Wing Chun] Vic says that he'll take it. MM points out that the rap will be on his record permanently, too, and that he'll have to register with the police as a sex offender. Nice. Vic sighs, "Well, there goes my shot at the Supreme Court." Justin repeats that Vic could plead not guilty. Since he's not guilty and all. Debbie tells Justin to shush. Melanie Marcus tells Vic that if he tries to fight it, he'll have to get up in front of a jury, be cross-examined by "some young, aggressive prosecutor from the D.A.'s office" -- as opposed to the public defender's office; thanks for the explanation, MM -- with the cop who busted him sitting in the front row. Vic says that he just can't do it. Debbie adds that he can't take any more stress. Which I would understand if they even showed that he was suffering from the effects of stress as it is. Which they haven't. Am I honestly supposed to believe that, just so he can skip what will amount to a few days' worry, Vic is willing to plead guilty to a crime he didn't commit? Especially one as political as this is? Seriously? Anyway, Mike says that it'll just be a misdemeanor on his record: "Who's going to know?" Well, at least now we know how he learned to navigate the path of least resistance. Justin answers, "He will."
Meanwhile, back at the ballroom, Brian and Adam are zipping up their pants and tucking in their shirts. Adam asks Brian what the hell he's doing in Pittsburgh: "You're too good for Pittsburgh. You should be in New York." Brian grins, "Yeah, but for what I get paid here, I have a loft the size of a city block. There I'd have a closet in Queens." Adam says that they're paying a lot more in New York than Brian thinks. Adam's twenty-seven, and he just bought a place in SoHo. Brian replies, "Wow. So, we're the same age." Oh, yeah. In dog years, maybe. Adam continues that there's an opening in his agency at Brian's level. Let me guess: fluffer? Adam hands Brian his card and says that he'd be more than happy to put in a good word for him. Brian smirks, "Is there anything else you'd be happy to do?" Didn't these two just have sex? Brian's memory certainly isn't what it used to be, is it? He unzips his pants and Adam goes down on him, anyway. Thoughtful of him.
Demon's Lair. Mike walks in and sees Demon sitting in the living room, in the dark. This tips Mike off to nothing. Instead, he good-naturedly turns on the light and asks Demon what's up. Demon says he's just been "thinking." In the dark. Silently. Now, if I walked into my house and found Coop sitting in the dark...well, first of all I'd jump, because he'd have scared the crap out of me, and second, I'd be all over him, asking what's wrong. No worries, though. Demon asks about Vic, and Mike says that he's fine "considering he just got out of jail." Mike walks over and gives Demon a kiss. Demon fesses up and says that he got a call from his ex-wife, Lori. She and her current husband are getting a divorce. Mike snarks, "You know, these straight couples just cannot make their marriages work." Especially if one of them's gay. Shut up, Michael. Demon says that Hank is pretty upset. So, shut up, Michael. Demon continues that Lori told Demon Hank won't speak to her; he's ditching class, and he's even quit the hockey team. Mike asks whether Hank's taking drugs. Demon replies that Lori doesn't think so: "He's just fucking angry." Which is what I remember of Hank. Demon blames himself. Mike asks whether Hank actually blames him, but Demon takes the fall: "It's because of me. This will make the second dad that he's lost." Mike slaps his hands together and asks what "the plan" is: "A real trip would accomplish a lot more than a guilt trip. Should I make a reservation?" Demon says that he already did, gesturing over to the suitcase standing right to Mike. Which Mike totally missed. Demon figured he should get there as soon as possible. Mike cheerfully replies, "Who says you're not a great dad? Dropping everything at a moment's notice to fly across the country to be with your kid." Mike asks when he's coming back; Demon says he'll be back as soon as he can be. Mike points out that this will be the first time they're going to be apart since Mike moved in. Demon agrees. This scene is moving really, really slowly, for some reason. Mike shakes his head: "It's going to be weird, your not being here." Uh huh. Is there any more point to this scene? Mike makes his Master promise to miss him, and then gives him a big hug and a kiss, while Demon looks worried, worried, worried. That was sweet, but it would be even sweeter if I knew that Demon weren't coming back. But all good things come to those who wait.
Liberty Diner. Ted and Blake walk in. Blake's looking at the want ads in the paper. Ted snarks, "If you see anything in there for an accountant that includes world travel and an unlimited expense account, let me know." Blake says that he still has to find a job for himself. There's a lot of stuff in there, but "they all want training. Experience. References. Who's going to hire a crystal freak?" Ted corrects him -- that's former crystal freak, thank you very much. Ted adds that Blake should give himself more credit; Blake says that he owes everything to Ted. They kiss. At a booth across the diner, Emmett rolls his eyes. Em, get over it.
Ted and Blake see The Boys and go over to join them. Brian drawls, "Ted Schmidt, happy at last. It's fucking unbelievable." Ted just can't keep the grin off his face and is like, yeah, who would have guessed, huh? Mike grins, "Can we keep the passion down to a minimum? I have a boyfriend out of town and no means for release." Foreshadowing! Justin walks up with a water pitcher, and points out the new waiter. Cut to a dumb-looking version of Ryan Phillippe, who's sort of pacing behind the counter. The camera holds on him long enough to make you think he might have anything to do with tonight's story, but keep dreaming. Brian sneers, "You call that hot?" Justin's like, uh, yeah. Brian shrugs that, at Justin's age, that's not too surprising. Mike snorts that, at Brian's age, Brian wouldn't go after Phillippe Guy? Brian shakes his head: "I've moved beyond that." Which is what most people say when a sure thing becomes not so sure, but whatever. The Boys snicker. Emmett asks since when Brian's standards got so "high," and Brian says it's since the night before, when he "did the hottest guy in days." Everyone on the planet rolls their eyes. Although I did crack up at "in days." Brian explains that his trick works for an ad agency in New York, and that he told Brian he's wasting his time in Pittsburgh. Adam told Brian that there's a job opening in his agency for which Brian would be perfect. Damn. I already used my best line for that. Mike asks whether he's serious. Justin, shocked: "So, if you get this job, you're leaving?" Brian: "Not 'if.' When." Uh huh. What I like most about this episode is QaF's brazen nerve in trying to pull a "look, Charlie Brown, here's a football" plot line four times in one season. In the first season! Where's the fire? I mean, there's plenty of sex; it's not it's not going to get cancelled. You think folks are checking back to see whether Justin's going to Dartmouth? Please.
Later, Mike, Emmett, and Ted walk and talk about Brian's possible departure. Emmett asks whether they think Brian was serious. Mike replies that it's probably Brian overreacting to a compliment from some New York bigwig. Emmett notes that Brian did send his résumé, and Ted snorts that it's just going to end up at the bottom of some pile: "Mine always do." Poor Eeyore. Mike climbs on that bandwagon: "There's probably a thousand other guys clamoring for the same job." Ted nods, "He's never going to hear from them again." Gee, I guess a friend who's doing way better than you are doesn't need your confidence or faith in his abilities. Working for an ad agency in New York, isn't like, the ultimate career move for Brian, or anything. Thanks, guys. Ted's cell phone rings. It's Melanie. Ted basically asks her to hire Blake. MM gasps, "God, you are so in luck. One of our assistants just quit this morning. Blake could start right away!" Ted: "Really?" MM: "Of course not. What do you think, jobs are just falling off trees?" Ha! Ted frowns, "No need to get cunty, I just thought I'd ask!" Melanie backs off and says that Blake is a nice guy, and he did help Vic out, so she agrees to take him on as a temp for a couple of weeks, and then maybe they could hire him, or at the very least act as a referral. Ted thanks her, and adds, "And, uh, Mel? You're not really -- you know." Melanie grins, "I know. You are." I like her soo much better when she gets to leave the house.
Emmett walks down the alley behind Debbie's place. Vic's taking out the trash. Emmett offers him the box he's carrying, saying that it's a pecan pie. Emmett explains, "Well, whenever my mother used to visit someone, she always brought along a pecan pie. Of course, this one's from the supermarket. And she used to make her own." Vic doesn't care, and after nattering on about his mother some more, Emmett gets around to asking Vic what's going on with his court case. Vic says that he's planning to plead guilty. Emmett asks him not to. Vic snarls that it's none of Emmett's business, so maybe he should stay out of it. Emmett says that it is his business, because it could have happened to any of them. Vic replies that it didn't happen to any of "them," it happened to him. Emmett speaks for the universe and says that, by not fighting, Vic's letting TPTB know that they can keep getting away with shit like this. Vic reminds Emmett that he's sick. Emmett reminds Vic that he's also innocent. Vic snarls, "Who gives a shit? The cops? The D.A.?" Emmett was hoping Vic gave a shit, frankly. Vic doesn't: "I just want it over." But, I mean, how can you live with that? Now, granted, I come from a long line of people who refused to submit to an inferior education, and refused to sit at the back of the bus, and marched up and down the length of this great country of ours, and organized sit-ins, and then watched while their leaders got shot, and still protested some more, so now, no matter how much we get fucked over, it's well understood that we're entitled to basic civil rights, but still. The least Vic can do is fight, so that the least he can say is, "I fought for my innocence." No justice, no peace, baby -- for Vic or any of the rest of them. Emmett adds that Vic will be living out his days as a registered sex offender. Vic actually gets mad at Emmett for saying that out loud, where other people can hear him. Emmett replies that everyone's going to find out anyway. Vic grabs the pecan pie and snaps that he'll just have to learn to live with that, then. Emmett tries one more tactic; he stops Vic before he can stomp inside and says, "That's just what Mr. Pedigrove said." He then proceeds to tell some blatantly bullshit story about one of his high-school teachers in Mississippi. Seems that Mr. Pedigrove was accused of exposing himself to one of the other students, and he was innocent; the kid was just mad because Pedigrove flunked him. Vic's not believing it, and is all, oh, what happened -- was he beaten to death? Did he hang himself? Emmett says no; Mr. Pedigrove moved to another town to live with his spinster sister. There weren't any steps between, like an investigation, or a trial. Emmett wraps up his tale by saying, "When he died a few years later, they say that he put in his will that he didn't want his name put on his tombstone. Because it was worthless." Ooooh. Vic seems moved by this.
Brian's loft. Brian's packing, or hanging up clothes, or something. Wait, he couldn't be packing; he doesn't have anywhere to go yet. At any rate, Justin's watching, and implores, "You can't go. What are you going to do without me?" Give the universe a break, Justin. Brian snorts that somehow, he'll survive. He'll just have to find someone else to fuck when nothing better shows up. Justin bravely chokes out, "Doubt it." Brian tells Justin that he's sure the boy will be just fine: "You're going to do what you should have done a long time ago. You're going to meet some twinkie your own age." Justin snaps, "What do I want with some kid who doesn't know shit?!" Brian leaves the potential analogy alone and says that he needs to take a shower. Justin throws Brian's clothes around and tantrums, "Go. Go take a shower! Go to New York! Go to your new life! In a year -- probably not even that long -- you won't even remember my name. I'll just be that 'kid who wouldn't leave me alone, who thought he was in love with me.' If you fucking think of me at all." Ease up there, loser boy. Brian comes back into the room and replies that he won't think of Justin: "When I walk out that door, I don't plan on ever looking back. And I expect you to do the same." Justin starts to cry, and Brian pulls him close and gives him a hug.
A men's clothing store. Gear up for gratuitous sex scene #2, y'all. Blake's trying on the new suit Ted's buying for him. Ted comments on how good it looks. Blake asks whether Ted's sure, and the sales clerk, a very nice young blonde woman, grins, "Trust your boyfriend. He has a good eye." She finishes pinning up the pants cuffs and says that she'll go ring it up for them. Blake's pretty happy with the suit, and keeps turning around to look at himself in the mirror at different angles, making faces. Ted laughs adoringly. Blake disappears inside this makeshift round curtain dressing room that's right in the middle of the store, giving Ted a knowing look. Ted takes a surreptitious look around before following him. Now, these curtains are backlit all the way around, so anything they're doing in there is going to be obvious to everyone. Of course. Blake fakes surprise that Ted has joined him. Ted says that he thought maybe Blake needed some help with his pants. Yes. Right. Blake replies that he's a big boy and can dress and undress himself. Ted's more than willing to help him out and says they should "go for it." Blake's like, what if we get caught? Ted chuckles, "That's the fun part." For you, maybe. Not so great for me. Not that anyone cares, or anything. So they start macking, and Ted goes down on Blake. The saleslady comes back, decides to be a trooper about it, and turns her back, politely asking whether they need any help with anything. She's amused, telling them to take all the time they need, which is kind of sweet, and, hey, I have that sweater she's wearing. It's Banana Republic, in case anyone cares.
Vic's trial. Melanie's conferring with the judge, while Mike and Debbie sit behind the defense's table and Vic paces back and forth. Debbie tells Vic to try to relax. Vic replies that he just wants to get out of there. Melanie returns to the table with the policeman's report: "The cop's got lousy handwriting and his spelling's atrocious, so you might want to break out your reading glasses." The cop, sitting at the prosecution's table, heard that. Vic reads the report, and shakes his head: "This isn't what happened!" The cop basically says that Vic "exposed himself" and then started "masturbating his half-erect penis." For one, the cop was masturbating his half-erect penis, and ew, already. The cop also said that Vic was the one who asked what the cop was into, when it was the other way around. Melanie asks Vic whether he's sure that's what happened. Vic's sure. Now he's all outraged? Obviously, the cop was going to have to lie in order to justify the arrest. The judge calls the courtroom to order, and asks what Vic's plea is. Melanie looks over at Vic, who's still recovering, and then starts, "We plead --" Vic jumps in: "Not guilty." Melanie grins a little. In the stands, Emmett rolls his eyes heavenward and thanks God.
Debbie's. Vic demands that Melanie put him on the stand. Debbie does a one-eighty, and urges him to tell the truth. But what about his health? What about the stress? Wouldn't it have been more interesting if Debbie had stuck to her guns, worried about the stress affecting Vic's health, while he was all, "I'm going to fight this no matter how long it takes," and we got some actual conflict? Because as I understand it, this is actually a serious issue that affects the gay community, much like racial profiling does the black community. But the important thing is more shots of Gale Harold's ass, I guess. QaF knows where the money is. Melanie Marcus points out that it will still be Vic's word against the cop's, but that she'll see what she can find out. Vic says that it sounds like it's going to get expensive, but MM assures him that she's taking the case pro bono. Debbie replies, "'Bono'? Like Sonny Bono?" Sigh. ["Seriously. Debbie's never watched TV before?" -- Wing Chun] Mike explains that Melanie means that she's taking the case for free. Debbie's not having it, and insists that they'll pay. Melanie Marcus laughs and says okay, Debbie can pay her back by babysitting Gus. Debbie cheerfully says that they accept, and that Justin will even pitch in, too. Justin, sitting on the couch, is off in his own Brianless little world. He sort of looks around, and then tells Vic that he's glad Vic decided to fight. And then mopes upstairs. MM asks what's up, and Debbie tells her that Brian's moving to New York.
Justin's room. Mike opens the door, asking whether he may come in. After Justin invites him in, Mike reassures him that Brian's not moving to New York. Justin says that Brian's talking as though he is, and even flew up for an interview that morning. Ah. So that's where he was going. Mike says that there's no harm in taking a meeting, and "besides, I've known [Brian] a lot longer than you have. He may bitch and moan about Pittsburgh, but there's no way he'd stop being top dog to be one of the pack." Justin asks why Brian put his loft on the market, then. Mike didn't know that he had. Mike plops down on the bed to Justin, stunned. Justin says that they should stop Brian. Mike snorts, yeah, that's likely. Justin protests that they can't just let him leave! Mike replies that they don't really have a choice: "Besides, everyone has the right to decide how they want to live their life [sic]. Look at you -- you decided to leave home, and I bet nothing could have changed your mind. It's the same way with Brian." Justin hangs his head, and then declares that he loves Brian. Mike's aware. But that's why Justin has to let him go. Justin snorts, "Just like that?" Justin doesn't get it. You see, if you love someone, you want what's going to make him (or her) happy. Is this a soapbox I see beneath my feet? You know, I don't rememer being such a preachy person before, but then again, I hadn't dealt with so many immature twits before I started recapping this show. Before that, it was just me looking in the mirror and going, "What the hell are you doing?" And then Justin actually tells Michael, to his face, "You must not care very much." Mike sighs, "I care more than you will ever know."
Demon's lair. Mike's alone in bed when the phone rings. Gratuitous sex scene #3 coming up! Ding! It's The Master, who's also in bed in his hotel room, and already has his hand on his crotch. Mike asks him how it's going. Demon replies that Hank was really glad to see him, and that they've just been hanging out. Mike says that it was a good idea he went. Demon asks his lover how he's doing, and Mike moves his hands down his chest a little and says that he misses Demon. I begin flinching and wincing like a Tourette's sufferer. Mike tells Demon that their bed is lonely, and that he was dreaming about Demon when he called. I really can't take this. They have stylized, moaning, groaning phone sex, okay? No, I'm not going into details. And you can't make me.
Brian's loft. Lindsay's shown up with Gus to read Brian the riot act about moving to New York and taking advantage of a really good opportunity. Lindsay's like, so when were you planning on telling me? Brian, who's trying to unpack, snarks that he was going to send her his change of address. Gus is all cute in a striped sweater and matching pointy hat. Tugging at the old ovaries once again, I see. Brian reminds Lindsay that he hasn't even been offered a job, yet. St. L. grumbles that they were impressed by his résumé, though. Bastards. How could they? Brian can't resist, and says that she wouldn't believe how cool their offices are -- right on Madison Avenue, with a great view of Midtown. Brian adds, "And the guys at this agency are smart. And they're totally hot. It's an entirely different league." St. L. grouses that Brian's just going to go ahead and abandon Gus. Oh, knock it off. That plane trip is what -- an hour, tops? ["Plus Brian's already given up his parental rights." -- Wing Chun] Brian tells Lindsay not to start with the guilt, and takes Gus from her, cooing, "How would you like to hang out with your pop in Manhattan, huh? Go to the Guggenheim, and the opera?" To St. L.: "See, you're going to thank me for this when he grows up to be sophisticated." Lindsay snarls, "Fuck you, Brian. I know how to take my kid to a museum." Oh, that was totally called for. She grabs Gus out of his arms. Brian tells her, "If I stay here, I'm going to go out of my mind. Or who knows what I'll become?" Lindsay snaps, "Probably who you are now, only older." Brian shakes his head no; he's not going to let that happen. St. L. asks what's so bad about that. It happens to everyone. Brian replies that it's not going to happen to him: "I want to become something different. Something new." Lindsay snorts that Brian sounds like one of his ad campaigns. In which case, I think he deserves to rot in Pittsburgh for the rest of his life. Lindsay continues, "New. Improved. Going to New York won't change anything. So you'll have a different loft. Work for a different firm. Go to different bars and clubs. But different doesn't make it better." And then she loses me when she adds, "When are you going to figure out that Justin really loves you, even if he is young? At your age, that might not be such a bad thing for you." What?! She's pushing Justin onto Brian? As something that'll be good for both of them? The hell? Lindsay reminds Brian that Michael would give up his life for Brian, and that she loves Brian, too: "You think you'll find that on Madison Avenue?" Maybe not, but he could always fly down for it on the weekends.
Ted walks Blake, all duded up in his new suit, to the offices of Kurtzman, Vasquez Kishura [sic] and Marcus. All nice minority names. He takes a good look at Blake's face and tells him to not be nervous. Blake nervously says that he's not nervous. Ted replies that he is, himself. Before they enter, Ted straightens Blake's tie.
Inside, they meet MM, wearing a cool white wrap-around shirt and a flowing, knee-length psychedelic skirt. Man, they need to show her outside the Happy Fun House more often. She smiles when she sees Ted and Blake, and says they're right on time. Ted snarks, "It's my Germanic predisposition to be punctual." Melanie compliments Blake on his suit, and he tells her that Ted picked it out. Along with the shirt. And, uh, the tie. Ted adds, "Well, it's also my Germanic predispostion to be overbearing and controlling." Melanie laughs, and leads them down the hallway. Ted is a bit of a control freak, but he has a willing subject, and I'm not going to get into the difference between Ted & Blake vs. Demon & Michael because it just makes my head hurt. I'm sticking with "Hate Demon. Pity Ted." Now leave me alone. Ted reminds Blake that it's important that he make a good impression. Blake sighs that he will, already. Melanie says that if he's asked why he left his last job, he should say that it wasn't "challenging enough." Blake assures her that he already has an answer rehearsed. Ted tells him not to say that he's a people person, because he personally hates that expression. Blake's like, I got it. Okay? "Now would you people stop worrying? Just let me go in there and impress the pants off of them." For lack of a better phrase, of course. Ted shrugs, "Well, if anyone can do that, you can."
Debbie's. She's cooking dinner or something, as Vic tells her, "Melanie says that it'll be my word against his. So why should the jury listen to me?" Debbie says that the jury will listen to him because he's telling the truth. I think she missed the point, there. She tells him to stop acting so guilty. Vic replies that maybe he is, a little, because he wanted to go with the guy. Debbie's like, that's not a crime. Vic says it is when it's a cop, but I'm not sure it is, even then. It was "indecent exposure," not "solicitation," right? Vic continues, "At my age, with what I've got? To think that someone would find me desirable? Talk about pathetic." Debbie slams down the dishes and says she won't have him talk about himself that way! Vic: "Then don't listen. When I look in the mirror, I see someone I barely recognize. I still imagine that I'm like Brian -- able to walk into any bar, and have almost anybody that I want. And I had plenty, too. But now. Instead I see this tired, somewhat faded older man. Who measures his life from a pill bottle. And who nobody wants. I can't even remember the last time someone looked at me. Or even touched me. It was probably that Filipino nurse who gave me that barium enema." Which is where he lost me. "So, when this handsome young man expressed interest, I wanted to drop to my knees right there. That's the worst part. Worse than being arrested. Or put in jail. Or having to go to court. It's that I believed him." Debbie's almost crying at this point, and hugs him. Yeah, that pretty much sucks.
Woody's. The Boys watch some guy walk past in slow motion, so that we can all get a good look. He's watching them, they're watching him, etc. Mike groans, "What my tongue could do to his nipples. If I was single, of course." The funny thing is, he was looking at Cruising Guy's ass when he said it. Ted laughs that he's right there with Mike, except that Ted likes his abs. Emmett sighs, "Well, I'd like to thank you boys for leaving me the most tender, delectable morsel. Now that Brian's out of the picture, I might actually stand a chance." I was about to say. Mike says it sounds like Em's not even going to miss Brian. Emmett shrugs, "Well, I certainly won't miss being told 'be gone' every time some hunk appears." Ted replies that he won't miss Brian's non-witty, non-snappy remarks about his age. Emmett has to add, "Although I did think that him referring to you as Dead Man Walking was kind of amusing." Hee. Mike adds, "Or knowing that you're always his plan B." Emmett's like, yeah, or sometimes C. They should tell Justin, so he knows it's not just him. Maybe he'll feel better. It's worth a shot. Ted pouts, "Or buying a shirt from the latest Calvin Klein collection, and no one notices because everyone's staring at Brian's bare chest." Thinking, My God, why won't that man do some ab work if he's going to wander around without a shirt on?! Emmett laughs that he's also not going to miss the way Brian never takes any shit from anyone. Ted nods, "Or how he tells you the truth about yourself, even if he is a tad harsh. Even though you should probably hear it anyway." It's not like you guys don't throw it back at him. I wonder who's going to break down and dissolve into tears first. Mike: "Or how he refuses to let you coast through your life. No, I'm not going to miss that one at all." Says Mr. Big Q Manager, so obviously Brian did a really good job there.
Meanwhile, the paragon of virtue in question is in his shower, wisely hiding his chest from the camera. He lets the water run over him for awhile. He shakes his head like a dog, just long enough for me to wonder, once again, why we're here; wonder some more; and then get up and get a cider and sit back down again. I know, this happens a lot. These gratuitous sex scenes are doing nothing for my liver, I gotta tell you. Once I get back to the couch, the camera's cut to Justin at Brian's computer. So, he just comes by and hangs out whenever, huh? How much you wanna bet he doesn't even call first? Justin shakes his head and mutters, "This is just sick. Really sick." Brian walks into the living room with a towel wrapped around his waist and smirks, "Are you looking at those hetero porn sites, again? I told you, they're going to warp your young mind." Ha. Ha. Ha. Justin says that it's not porn he's looking at, but rental prices on apartments in New York. Brian says that with his salary, he'll be able to afford three times that. Brian's cell phone rings. It's Adam. Adam's a little uncomfortable; he called to tell Brian that he didn't get the job. The company decided to promote some "twenty-five-year old hot shot" from within. Brian closes his eyes and manages to growl, "Don't worry. After reviewing all of my options, I decided to go with...someone else." Adam is relieved. He shrugs and tells Brian to give him a call the time he's in New York. Brian's like, yeah, sure, whatever, and hangs up. Ouch. Falling behind in his career, falling behind in his sex life. And he hasn't even turned thirty, yet. Yikes.
Demon's Lair. The Master has finally returned home, and Mike trots over to give him a big hug and kiss. Mike asks Demon how it went. Demon says that he convinced Hank not to quit the hockey team, and to see a therapist: "Mostly we just sat around, ate pizza, and watched ESPN." That sounds cool. I think I'm going to do that with Coop this weekend, and let him explain baseball to me. Again. Mike says that's the most important thing: "Not what you say or do; just being there." Which might explain their relationship, actually. Demon says that's why he has to go back. Really soon. For a long time. Mike gamely tries to be game about it. Mike asks about Demon's practice, and the house, and his friends, and, and, what about Mike?! Demon says that he could lease the house for a year, and get some other doctors to take his clients; his ex-wife has some doctor friends who could give him referrals. The only thing he hasn't figured out yet is what to do about Mike. Mike says that he understands that Demon's son comes first. Demon replies, "Well, it's not a race, Michael. There's no 'first.' You're as important to me as he is." There's something wrong with that, but I can't quite put my finger on it, and you know if I can't get a good rant on, it's just not worth it, so let's move on. Demon asks Mike to come with him. Enter Mike's patented wide-eyed stare.
Courtroom. Melanie and Vic are conferring with the D.A.; she's saying that the cop has lied before on three separate cases at his former post in Philadelphia. She hands the prosecutor three binders and continues that, in each instance, "he misconstrued, exaggerated, or in some cases completely lied in his police report, resulting in the judge calling a mistrial." Don't they usually fire your ass for that, no matter the case? The D.A. thumbs through one of the binders, while Mike and Debbie gush about what a good lawyer she is. Behind them, Emmett sighs, "Compared to her, I feel so ignorant. So useless." Ted: "You are." Snicker. Emmett narrows his eyes. Ted amends, "On the other hand, she doesn't have your height, or your ability to wear chartreuse in the daytime." Thank God, or else I might have to take her name away again. The D.A. tells MM, "This is all compelling, but why would he do this?" Um. Duh. Melanie explains, slowly, that the cop seems to have a problem with homosexuals: "Look, we can save the court a lot of time and money. My client's innocent." The D.A. asks Vic whether that's true. So, chalk up crime dramas as another TV genre that QaF thinks we never watch. Vic nods, "I may have done a lot of things [cough] in my life, but I never exposed myself or enticed that officer. I know I may not have much left. My health. My youth. My friends. But I still have my name. And I will fight to defend it." Vic and Emmett smile at each other. You know, during this entire scene, I kept expecting Madonna to burst into the room with a choir, and start belting out "Like a Prayer." "This hot young black man is innocent, your honor! And besides which, he's Jesus!" Yes, I'm quite aware of how wrong I am. Thanks for listening, anyway.
An old movie theater. Brian and Mike sit in the front row of the balcony, sharing a joint. Mike giggles that what they really need right now is a huge vat of popcorn. Brian snorts, "One hit and you're high. That's pitiful." Mike denies it, and then bursts into giggles again. They appear to be watching The Creature From the Black Lagoon. They start reminiscing about old times: the mean usher who used to yell at them to get their feet off the balcony; all the Saturday afternoons they spent there; buying one ticket and having the other person sneak in. Mike snerks that they never got caught, and puts up his hand so that Brian can give him five. Brian sticks the joint in his mouth and holds up his hand, too, but doesn't slap Mike's, so it looks like they're both making the "Stop" sign. Cute. This is where they saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. And Ghostbusters. Both of which came out in 1984. Mike would have been thirteen. Brian would have been twelve, going on thirteen. They met when they were fourteen, as has been told to us over and over. And it's barely right even if this is all supposed to be taking place last year. At any rate, Mike can't believe they're going to tear the theater down. Brian scoffs that the multiplex they're building over it probably won't even have any balconies to get stoned in. Hee. Mike sighs, "When this place is gone, a part of us will be gone, too." Brian: "You get extremely maudlin when you're high." Ha! Mike says that this is probably the last time they'll be together, since Brian will be in New York. Brian adds, "And you'll be in Portland. Opposite ends of the fucking universe." Apparently, Brian hasn't figured out a good cover story, yet. Mike grouses that he never said he was going to Portland. Brian tells Mike that he should. Mike retorts, "Well, I'm not like you. I can't just pack up and decide, boom, time to move on. No looking back. No regrets." Brian says that there isn't anything for Mike in Pittsburgh. Mike replies that it's still his home: "And even though it's not New York --" Brian interjects, "No shit!" so someone's still a little bitter. Mike continues that he's lived in Pittsburgh his whole life, and it's all he knows. In other words, he's scared. Brian snaps that maybe it's time for Mike to learn something new: "We're not fifteen anymore. Go with David. Get the hell out of here." Mike is somewhat disturbed at this vehemence. And then Brian gives Mike a particularly non-platonic kiss, against the movie sunset on the screen.
Ted's. Blake has returned, and Ted's all about asking him how his first day went. Blake's totally excited: it was really great, and MM took him to lunch, and oh! The people there are so nice! Ted asks whether there were any cute guys. Blake says that there was only one, and that he was married. Ted starts undressing Blake and apologizes for asking that last question: "I'm required to ask that question by the Boyfriend's Workplace Act of 1991." Blake nods, happily going along. Blake brags that they've already put him to work on a really interesting case. Ted's just relieved that everything went so well. He tells Blake how proud he is of him, and starts carrying Blake around the living room. Blake says he's kind of proud of himself, too, and he's just so sweet. Ted carries Blake into the bedroom, and suggests that they only drop by Vic's victory dinner for a little while, so they can "come back here and consummate [Blake's] return to white-collar respectability." Blake asks why they should wait, and suggests that they take a shower. They start making out as Blake takes off his jacket. He strips for Ted in the middle of the bedroom as an opera plays in the background. Blake pulls down his shorts (leaving his socks on), and throws them to Ted. Yes, there's a slight dick shot. Ted grins, shakes his head, and snarks that Blake needs to have a little more respect for his clothes, instead of leaving them on the floor like that. He starts picking the suit pieces off the floor, teasing Blake, when he notices a little vial that's fallen out of the suit jacket -- a vial filled with crystal pieces. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I'm guessing it's all bad. Ted looks at the vial in horror. Blake calls to him from the shower. And then calls him again, as Ted hurriedly puts the vial back where he found it, and runs into the bathroom with an apprehensive look on his face.
Vic's victory dinner. Everyone applauds Vic, who finally stands up and makes a speech. Vic says that they should be thanking Melanie, because she's the one who got his case thrown out. Everyone applauds Melanie. Melanie says, no, no, Vic's the one who was so brave. Emmett adds, "You were an inspiration, the way you stood up for yourself." Vic says he really didn't have any choice, given that horror story Emmett told him. Emmett kind of looks around, like, la lala la la. Vic's like, wait, it wasn't true? Emmett shrugs, "All of my stories are true. And if they're not, they should be." He leans over so that Vic can give him a kiss on the forehead.
On the other side of the table, Blake reminds Ted of his promise that they were only going to stay at the party a few minutes. Ted nods, and they start to say their goodbyes. In the middle of it, Demon suddenly stands up, hugs Vic, and leaves without saying a word to anyone else. Mike and Brian exchange a look, and Mike gets up to go after Demon, hugging Ted goodbye on the way. Lindsay, trying to be nice, asks Brian whether Kennedy and Collins will want him to start right away when he gets to New York. Melanie grins, "Those guys on Madison Avenue move fast." Justin adds, "So do the ones in Chelsea." Melanie grins, "Plenty of hearts to break in the big city." Lindsay warns him not to break them all at once. And to call every once in a while. Justin snorts, yeah, like that's going to happen. Brian snaps, "Why don't you all just shut the fuck up!" They're all like, ohhhkay. Brian grumps that he needs a cigarette, and drunkenly leaves the table.
Meanwhile, at the bar, Demon's putting on his coat to go. Brian stumbles to the other end of the bar as Mike walks up to Demon. Demon tells Mike that he's a very lucky man: "Everything you've got. Your friends and your family." Mike says that he knows. Demon says that if Mike decides to go, he'd be leaving a lot behind. Mike acknowledges that it's a huge decision. Demon says that he should take his time and think about it: "If you decide not to go, I'll be very upset. But I'll understand." Mike says that he's decided, already, and that he wants to go. Demon asks him whether he's sure, and Mike snorts, "No." They hug and kiss, and the Master is very, very happy. Brian watches, and then can't even summon the emotional energy to light his cigarette.
Wow. That was way better than I originally thought it was. Can I upgrade that to a B-, please? It doesn't get anything higher than that, because Charles Shultz is dead and shouldn't be writing for cable television. And, seriously, way to gloss over a human-rights issue. week is the "shocking" season finale. Crying, Justin and Daphne in prom gear, running, more crying. Can't wait. And I mean that.