Many thanks to Demian for covering the recaplet when I was out of town, and giving me permission to use the good Doctor's lovely new moniker. Demian, you rock, you roll. If you ever need a favor, it shall be done.
David's. The gang's all there: Brian, Justin, Debbie, Ted, Emmett, TLFKAM, Lindsay, and Gus. That's Gus, not "Gus." Woo hoo! Now, if Daphne shows up, and no one says anything incredibly lame or does something unimaginably stupid, this might just be a perfect episode. So, you know, me and my snowball once again storm the gates of Hell. Anyway, they're all gathered together to watch slides of Mike's and David's trip to Paris. Mike narrates in the snootiest voice known to mankind. On and on about the Seine, and the Arc de Triomphe, the Sacré-Coeur, and on and on. Ted's asleep. Emmett's about to join him. Brian and Justin are making out. TLFKAM and Lindsay are trying not to look at each other and failing miserably. Debbie, of course, is the only one paying attention. As a matter of fact, she reprimands Brian and Justin for distracting her. Mike snaps at her not to interrupt, and she says that she hates it when couples make out at the movies. Ha. Ha. Ha. Brian protests that it's French: "We're frenching." My snowball starts whimpering pitifully. Mike finally finishes with a slide of himself and Dr. Demon (tm Demian, and I'm still beating myself for not thinking that one up. Needless to say, I'm going to run that puppy into the ground) in front of the Arc de Triomphe, David hugging Mike from behind in a fair imitation of the Heimlich maneuver. The last slide is of the word "fin," which, as Mike informs everyone, means, "The End." Emmett sighs, "Bon. That means 'good.'" Snicker. David rubs Ted on the head, waking him up, and says that he hopes the slides weren't too bad. Ted replies, "No, I haven't been that entertained since Gandhi." Debbie gushes that it looked like "the trip of a lifetime." Brian mutters that it only seemed that long. Mike sighs, "The thing you need to know about Paris is not dining at Louis-Carton or shopping at the Rue de Suplice. It's the little things, like sharing a baguette while strolling sur la Seine." Debbie asks what that is, and Mike snaps that it's the Seine. Oh, yeah, someone needs to get bitch-slapped. Justin explains, sweetly, that the Seine is a river. Debbie sweetly thanks him for the explanation. Mike rolls his eyes at them both. Demon's holding Gus. Lindsay doesn't realize he's evil, I guess. But she's not that bright. Mike asks whether anyone would like some vin rouge. Grrr. Ted: "Lucy, you wouldn't know the difference between vin rouge and Listerine." Grrr. Emmett says that the only thing he wants to know is whether they met Catherine Deneuve, because that's likely. Mike sighs that, no, they did not, but they did hang out with a lovely couple -- Brian asks, "Let me guess: Louis and Marie." Close: Jean-Pierre and Yvette. Who cares? Nobody cares. No one. This is why I never tortured anyone with my pictures from Italy, because no one cares about your trip, unless they've actually been there. And even then they don't care. Eyes glaze over when I even start talking about Italy, and I have some damn good stories, too. No. One. Cares. I was going to mention my trip to California, but you don't care, so I'll just sum up: it was warm, I rented a Jeep, I bought entirely too many tight shirts and strappy sandals. Thank you for listening. Back to our story. So, Mike drawls that Yvette and Jean-Pierre had, "the most fabulous Maison in the 16th." Gag. That's 16th Arrondiseement, by the way. And I only know this because I read too much Judith Krantz as a post-adolescent. Mike only knows because David told him what it was. I win, because at least I had to read to find out. God. And my snowball's all melted. Sniff! Emmett looks like he's about to hand Michael a ladder so he can get over himself. Mike tells them all to try the brie. Debbie gags, "It tastes like cum!" Well. Brie used to be one of my favorite cheeses. Thanks. Ever. So.
TLFKAM sidles up to Lindsay and starts to play with Gus, who's just the happiest baby. TLFKAM notes that he's getting really big, and St. L. replies, "Well, it's all that delicious French baby food Guillaume makes him." TLFKAM's face falls: "So, this arrangement's working out for you." Everyone else is silent, because they're eavesdropping. Brian's Lesbians don't notice. St. L. says that it's working out better than she thought. TLFKAM steps up to the plate, and gently says, "Look, honey, even if you don't want to listen to me as someone who cares about you, I wish you'd at least take my legal advice." Lindsay tells her that she and Guillaume are getting married in a week. I swear to God, if TLFKAM stops this wedding, she gets her names back. I won't even mention the Sapphic Slut again. Okay, I might mention the Sapphic Slut again, but TLFKAM will definitely get her name back. I get the remorse, I get that she realizes what she did merely fucked herself and the two people she loves most over, I'm getting all that. Just don't put me through a fake gay wedding. Brian sneers, "What did he do, knock you up?" Noooooo! Lindsay explains that Guillaume got his deportation papers the day before. I swear to God, I'll use her full name for a whole recap, just please, please, stop this wedding. Brian scowls. Gus tries to capture Lindsay's nose with his wittle hand. Oh! So cute!
Outside, as she, Brian, and T&E are leaving, TLFKAM rages, "I am freaking out!" Brian: "Why, because she didn't ask you to be Maid of Honor?" Would someone please pull the Showtime intern off Gale Harold's lines? Thank you. Ted and Emmett say that it's not like they're really getting married, plus it won't be permanent. TLFKAM grumps, "What if he never leaves? What if he becomes a permanent fixture?" Brian: "What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle." What if you stopped taking drugs? Then I wouldn't have to tell you to shut up so often. TLFKAM says that it's all her fault, and that now it's too late to stop it. Yeah, well you better figure out how, missy.
Back inside the house, Mike watches Demon clean up and shakes his head, "Can't we leave that for Magdalena? That is why we pay her." What do you mean "we", pale face? Demon sighs, "Well, you know me; I can't sleep until everything's put away." Mike: "You're so anal." Demon: "Lucky for you." Gack. And speaking of "put away," Mike's toys are gone. Isn't it nice when the brainwashing finally takes? I think we shall call Mike Mini-Demon, because I'm just feeling clever as all hell tonight. Mini-Demon grabs his creator and smooches him. Demon flinches because all the crap in his hand might fall and damage his pristine rugs. He asks what the kiss was for. Mini-Demon replies, "Oh, Camper's blood pressure's a little too low," but it comes out as, "I don't believe I ever thanked you properly for showing me the best time of my life." Demon grins, "Well, I don't believe I ever thanked you either, for letting me show you." Then he snorts, "Can you believe Ted snoring?" Mini-Demon: "I thought he was building a log cabin. Those guys have no idea that there is a world outside of Liberty Avenue." Yeah, too bad they don't each have Sugar Daddies to show them, huh? Whatever. Demon, just so his creation doesn't get too uppity, points out that Mini-D didn't have any idea, either, until last week. Then he comments on how good the cabernet is, only he calls it "the cab," because he's a pretentious fuck. Demon says that they should order a case of it for Senator Baxter's party. Mini-D wonders whether he should have invited Debbie, Brian, etc. to the fundraiser. Demon, slightly panicky, replies that he thought that Mini-D didn't want to. Mini-D, slightly panicky, replies that he thought Dr. Demon didn't want him to. Demon reminds his shorter, dumber doppelganger that he was told that he could invite whomever he wanted, "as long as Brian behaved himself." Mini-D stammers that politics isn't really their "thing." Demon points out that Senator Baxter is very supportive of gay rights, "which should be everybody's thing." Mini-D: "I just don't know if they'd be comfortable around our other friends, and a state Senator." "Our" other friends. Riiight. Demon tells Mini-D that he made the right decision, and kisses him as a reward. All Mini-D's idea, you see. Uh huh. Mini-D looks a little worried anyway. Maybe 'cause he forgot to kiss Demon's feet before he walked out of the room.
St. James. Justin and Daphne (yay! Daphne!) walk into school, as Daphne gripes that every club gets to meet at school except theirs. And it's not fair! Justin shrugs, "Welcome to the world, Daphne. Nobody cares about a Gay/Straight Alliance." The members of the Gay Man/Straight Girl World Coalition beg to differ, thank you very much. Daphne says that people showed up; Justin points out that it was, like, eight people, and that they only came because he and Daphne handed out condoms. Justin and Daphne round the corner right inside the building, and lo and behold, someone has set Justin's locker on fire and scrawled, "Fags die" on it in blood red. Someone off-screen helpfully yells, "Stupid faggot. You like that, fag? Stick that in your ass, faggot." I hate people. Justin tries to open the locker, but burns his hand. The same off-screen guy again snarls, "You deserve it. Burn, fag." Oh, someone is sooo getting their butt handed to them for this.
Meanwhile, Brian, Emmett, and Ted stroll down an unnamed Pittsburgh arrondissement. Emmett and Ted are making fun of Mini-D's airs the night before. Ted: "Sur la Seine. I nearly choked on my pâté." Brian defends his best friend: "He's just dazzled. Give him a couple of days at Le Grand Q-Mart. He'll come back down to earth." Ted mopes that ever since Mini-D started hanging out with Demon, he has this "new life." Yes. Which you encouraged him to pursue. Emmett pouts that even though they lived together for two years, he hardly ever sees his old roomie anymore. Let's take a trip in the way-back machine a couple of eps. Direct quote from Emmett: "It is every gay boy's dream to be a kept woman." So quit your complaining. Ted adds that they have to beg Mini-D to come out to the bars, and Brian frowns, "and he won't fucking return my calls."
Emmett stops them both in the street and gasps, "Oh. My. God." Directly in front of them is a gold Miata. Ted wonders who would drive a gold Miata. Brian wonders who would drive a gold Miata with the top down. Emmett wonders who would drive a gold Miata with the top down in the middle of winter. The idiot in question steps out of a dry cleaner's across the street and walks up to the car. It's Mini-D. He asks them how they like the car. Demon bought it for him. Mini-D shows them the license plate, which reads, "CP ASTRO." Brian, cautiously: "That's cute." Sort of like, "President Bush." But neither is cute, really, unless you get warm fuzzies from the upending of the universe as we know it. Mini-D babbles, "What do you think of the color? I was worried that the gold might be a tad showy." Ted: "No, you wouldn't want that." Jealous, much? Remember, you told Mini-D not to let money get between him and Dr. Demon. I think Mini-D's about as close to Demon's money as he can get. Brian frowns, and tells Mini-D that he called him that morning, but that Mini-D didn't call him back. Mini-D picks a ticket off the Miata and replies that he's been really busy. Emmett asks whether he wants to go to the gym with them, but Mini-D can't because he's meeting David at "their" sports club. Brian, who looks like he's had just about enough of this shit, invites Mini-D to go with them to Woody's. Mini-D: "Sorry, no can do. We have reservations at Pappagano with Bobo and Melisande." Emmett snickers that with names like that, they sound like a couple of drag queens. Mini-D, in his best Demon-like, condescending throat-clearing voice, informs them that Bobo is "their" broker. Brian's done. Mini-D's cell phone rings, and he answers it with a cheerful, "Hi, honey!" Arrrrgggghhh! Okay. Demon's gone at the end of the season, right? I only have what, four episodes left off this crap, right?! I can survive four more episodes. Of course, I might have to go into rehab afterwards, but maybe I can get a book deal out of it. Or meet Matthew Perry. There's a bright side to everything. No, wait. I have a boyfriend. Meeting Matthew Perry won't do me any good. Dammit! I hate Dr. Demon! Mini-D tells them that it's David, just in case they didn't notice the smoke and sulfur smell rising up out of the phone. Mini-D tells his master that he picked up his suits, and he just needs to stop by the caterer on his way home. Emmett asks if they're having a party. Mini-D stammers that it's just a couple of "David's" friends. See, they're Demon's friends now that Mini-D's about to screw The Boys over. Mini-D hurriedly scrambles into the Miata and says his goodbyes.
Apparently, it's Brian's day to humor the fuckwittage of others, because he's at the Happy Fun House. Watching Lindsay try on her wedding dress. I'd like to call it karmic justice, but I'm still trying to figure out why I have to suffer, too. The dress is butt-ugly. It looks like something her mother wore at her shotgun wedding thirty years ago. Don't they sell Vera Wang rip-offs in Pittsburgh? St. L. asks Brian what he thinks; Brian says she looks like a movie. "A horror movie," he adds. Word. Lindsay shrugs, "Guillaume still has to fit it for me. He's great with a needle and thread." That's not what Brian meant, I think. Brian snorts, "Is there anything he can't do?" Lindsay: "Charm my friends." Brian replies that he didn't know Guillaume was trying. Guillaume breezes in with a bunch of boxes. Brian sneers, "Well, if it isn't Coco Chanel." Guillaume: "Company. Aren't we lucky?" Lindsay asks Guillaume what he thinks of the dress. "Gui" replies that it needs some work, but that he'll take care of it. Then the baby starts crying. Brian says that he'll get him, but Guillaume steps in front of him: "That's okay. He's used to me." He's used to Brian, too, Mr. Dead Man Walking. Nice knowing you. Not. Brian snorts, and asks Lindsay what Guillaume will be wearing. St. L. tells him that Guillaume will be sporting a conservative black tux, because it has to look real. Brian growls that this is all a farce. Lindsay tells him not to lose his temper. Brian: "Why not? You've lost your mind." Lindsay changes the subject -- sort of -- and says that she never thought she'd see herself in a wedding dress: "Although I've often dreamed of being a bride. It's true. Even dykes can't escape that fantasy." Is it okay if I don't care? Thanks. Brian: "Only, you're marrying the wrong person." Lindsay says that Brian never asked her. Shudder. Brian meant TLFKAM. Lindsay reminds him that they live in Pittsburgh, "not Vermont. And at any rate, it's too late. [TLFKAM] and I are finished." Then what was that mini-reconciliation bit last week? Brian replies that TLFKAM doesn't think they're finished: "In fact, the only thing she thinks about is you. She blames herself for everything." Lindsay: "Well, she's wrong. Because it's me. Because I pushed her away. Why would you push away someone you love?" Sigh. I don't know, but it's going around. Guillaume comes back in, apologizing for taking so long, "[Gus] is being...very fussy." Guillaume suggests that they get to work on the gown. I suggest that they burn it and start over. It's that ugly, folks. And there's no cure for cancer.
Debbie's. Jennifer's there. Justin rages that everything in his locker was destroyed, including his sketches and all his books. Jennifer asks if he knows who did it. Justin says he's not sure, but if he had to guess, it was probably Chris Hobbes, Class Closet Case. Vic intones, "I say we go beat the shit out of him." Ha! Debbie tells him that they're trying to be constructive; Vic replies that he thought he was being constructive. I did, too. Beating the shit out of Chris Hobbes is the best idea I've heard all day. Let's bet the crap out of Mini-D . Jennifer asks her son whether he's talked to the principal. Justin says that Dr. Perkins doesn't care (whatever. See last week's rant on that bit of unreality), and mutters, "It's all because of that group." Jennifer asks what he's talking about, and Debbie explains about the Gay/Straight Student Alliance. Justin adds that they got shut down because they didn't go through the "proper" channels. Vic says they probably would have gotten shut down, regardless. Debbie gets on his case about deflating Justin's idea. Vic says that Justin should know the truth. Justin: "I just wanted a place where we could talk. We couldn't even have that." Jennifer tells him that maybe he shouldn't rock the boat so much. Humph. She would. Justin's like, you want me to hide?! Jennifer's like, no, I want you to be safe. Justin snaps, "So, you just want me to run away. Let them intimidate me my whole entire life?" No, just until the end of school. College will be a lot different, trust me. I'm kidding about the first part, because frankly, I'm ready to go all X on their homophobic behinds. But Justin's going to love college. Debbie tells Justin to stick up for himself, and orders Jennifer to stand behind him. Jennifer asks her to stay out of it. Debbie snorts, "I forgot. He just eats, sleeps, and jerks off here. I'll keep my big mouth shut." Snicker. Vic, sensing danger, skitters out of the way. Justin tells his mother, "This isn't about me, or even what happened at school. This is about speaking out, demanding to be heard, whether people want to hear you or not." Jennifer asks where he learned that; Justin says that he learned it from her and Craig. Right along with the proper way to stalk people. And then demand to be heard, whether they want to hear you or not. Oh, I get it now. Jennifer's like, "We did?" Self-awareness, however, does not run in the family. Debbie snorts, "Well, he certainly didn't learn it at the St. James Academy."
The Demon's Lair. Brian gets out of the Jeep and walks up to the garage, where Mini-D is spit-shining the Miata. Brian asks how dinner with Bobo and Melisande went. Mini-D: "Melisande is a hoot, and Bobo is like, the smartest person I've ever met. You'd love him." Brian's like, uh huh. Mini-D asks Brian not to lean on the car, because he just finished polishing it. Brian moves, and then asks why Mini-D hasn't introduced any of his new friends to The Boys. Mini-D blames it on a lack of time; after all, they just got back from Paris. Brian: "You went to Paris? God, I hadn't heard." Mini-D tells him to fuck off. Brian asks if he'd like him to. Mini-D's hardly paying attention, he's polishing the car so hard, but asks what Brian's talking about. Brian shrugs, "Now that you have this fabulous new life..." Mini-D says that's BS. Brian asks, "How long have I known you? Forever. I don't think it's bullshit." Mini-D asks him to move again. Brian continues, "The trip and the clothes and the car. They're boring. You're boring." Mini-D replies, au contraire, he believes that he's become more interesting. Brian: "You've become a fucking little snot." Hee! Mini-D: "Why, because I finally have a life?!" Brian sneers, "Whose life? Yours? Or his?" Mini-D frowns in confusion as Brian drives away. Yes, everything was better when Mini-D was living Brian's life. And the sad thing is, it was.
The Principal's Office. This oughta be good. Wait, let me get some popcorn. Okay. Jennifer starts off: "Justin tells me over the past couple of months, he's been physically attacked, harassed, called names, and nothing has been done to stop it." Dr. Perkins assures her that if he'd known, he would never have tolerated it. Jennifer continues that Justin tried to start a club, and was denied permission to meet. Perkins -- realizing that a few thousand dollars, not to mention the school's rep, are on the line -- replies that, as Mr. Dickson told Justin, he didn't go through the proper channels. Jennifer, still calm, asks what those are. The Principal explains that Justin would have to go through the school board -- of which he is the head -- get approval for a room, and find a faculty advisor, "none of which Justin bothered to do." Jennifer, smiling, says that Justin would have "bothered" had he known: "So, where are the forms? We can fill them out right now." D'oh! The principal nods graciously, and replies, "Mrs. Taylor, as you know, St. James is a private academy. We're not required to make allowances for everyone and everything." I wonder in which category Justin falls? He continues, "That's why parents send their children to this school -- for the environment, and the outstanding education. Which Justin is getting. When he puts his mind to it." Justin asks what the commercial has to do with the Gay/Straight Alliance. Perkins decides to lay it out all on the table: "Suppose I gave you permission to start your club. And then another student wanted to start a club for, say, white supremacists. Should I allow that, too?" And jaws drop to the ground all over North America. Jennifer tells him that she finds that analogy "extremely offensive." The principal replies, "Some of our parents would be hard-pressed to see the distinction." Jennifer, getting a little bit louder, now: "Well, I'm hard-pressed to see the similarity!" The principal continues that not everyone "is as accepting of your son's sexual preference as you are." Justin corrects him -- it's not a preference. Jennifer says that she used to be like the principal, which is why it's important that people learn differently. The principal says that there's more important stuff to learn. Jennifer: "Than tolerance?" Bastard doesn't have anything to say to that.
Liberty Diner. Vic finds The Boys' booth, and asks if anyone's seen a certain "hot" item in the local gay paper. Emmett asks if his ad is still running. Vic snarks, "'If you've got it, I'll sit on it.' Is that you?" Emmett hits him, laughing along with everyone else. Vic turns to the front of the paper -- Ted quipping that he's never actually opened it from the front before -- and points out an article about the fundraiser "Dr. David Cameron and Mr. Michael Novotny" are holding for Senator Diane Baxter. Debbie, carrying a tray past them, is delighted: "Oh, my God, my baby is in high society!" Of course, Mini-D, dressed to the nines in a black turtleneck and leather jacket, walks in just as she's oohing and ahhing. She asks why he didn't tell her. The Boys give him a hard time about being a "society lady" and whatnot. Mini-D takes a look at the article. Ted warns Mini-D not to show Senator Baxter the slides from Paris. Ha! Mini-D shrugs that it's something Demon's throwing: "I think he gave the Senator an adjustment, once." Debbie gasps, dear Lord, what is she going to wear to meet the Senator?! Emmett says that he's going to wear his orange suit with his new lime-green tie. Ted gives him props for understatement, then asks Brian what's he's going to wear. Brian says that he wasn't invited. Debbie's like, of course you're invited, we're all invited. Mini-D bumbles, "Well, it's going to be really stuffy. No fun at all. And you have to make a contribution." Debbie's like, so? How often do you get to meet a Senator? I live in D.C. Believe me when I say this: count yourself lucky. The Boys get the implied dis way before Debbie does. Mini-D reminds her that she has to work. Debbie says she'll take the day off. Mini-D finally growls, "Look, it just isn't your thing, okay?! So just drop it!" Well. He feebly asks for the pickup order he came by for. Debbie sadly tells him that she'll get it just as soon as she gives dinner to the guy who's been yelling at her for the past five minutes. Unable to look at anyone in the table, Mini-D throws down the paper and announces that he's going to the restroom. As soon as Mike's gone, Brian leans across the table and asks Ted, "As my accountant, what do you think about me increasing my political contributions?" Ted grins. Vic rolls his eyes, 'cause he's the only one with any kind of sense.
The Demon's Lair. The Fundraiser's on, baby. Demon and his spawn are schmoozing with the Senator, a good-looking woman in her fifties with a dramatic shock of white hair. Demon thanks her for her work with gay rights; she smiles, "If it were up to me, you and Michael would be celebrating your wedding reception right now." Yeah, uh huh. See, that's not funny. They all toast to it, anyway. The Senator excuses herself to go schmooze with others. Mini-D rolls his eyes, "The last party I went to, we watched, I Don't Give a Shit What You Did Last Summer and drank beer and ate nachos." Demon nods approvingly: "Now, you're sipping champagne, eating caviar tarts, and entertaining a Senator." Off-screen, they hear a lilting voice say, "I hope we're not too late, I hate to miss the crudités!" Fast pan into Mike's face as he turns around and shocks, "Oh, shit!"
Cut to a new group at the door: The Boys plus Debbie. Out to teach Mini-D a lesson, big-time, okay? Emmett's dressed in drag as 1963 Jackie Kennedy, all the way down to the pink coat (blood-free, so there is a God). Ted's done up in leather. Justin and Brian are dressed for a night at Woody's. Justin's, like, wearing a shirt that only covers his upper chest, so it was nice of Emmett to lend him something to wear. Vic's pimped out in the latest in '70s cruise wear; Debbie's sporting a loose red muumuu outfit, complete with red heart-shaped sunglasses. Debbie sniffs and says that the place is like a wake as Mini-D rushes up and demands to know what they're doing there. Debbie tells him that they wouldn't miss his party for anything. Ted snarks that their invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, like Mini-D didn't already tell them that they didn't get one. Emmett sighs, "Damn the postal service. I'm going to write my Senator." Justin tells Jackie that she doesn't have to; the Senator's here. Mini-D rages, "This is a private benefit; you can't just break in!" Vic snorts, "'Break in'?! We're family. Not bandits." Demon's shown up; Brian hands him a check and brushes past him into the party. Ted and Emmett go in search of cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Brian finds some first, and he and the waiter check each other out. Mini-D apologizes to Demon for his friends showing up uninvited; Demon quietly replies that the Senator probably won't mind once she sees the size of Brian's check.
Justin lights a cigarette and snaps, "This music sucks dick!" He crosses the room to the stereo, presumably to see what else is available. A man in glasses and suit informs him that it's jazz fusion. Oh. Okay, then. Justin sneers, "Yeah, in physics, fusion is supposed to cause a blast. Like, this." He changes a channel or something to techno music. Gimme a break. I get the whole "let's embarrass Mikey" thing, but is it necessary for them to all look like complete Neanderthals while doing it? Just go ahead and add a laugh track while you're at it. Oh, well. Maybe season. Justin, for one, knows better than this. Jennifer would just about die at this behavior. Justin sidles up to Suit Guy and asks if he wants to dance. This is so stupid. Suit Guy tells Justin that he doesn't dance. Justin drags him into the middle of the living room and drawls, "You do, now." No one else notices that the music's changed. Debbie and Vic seek out Senator Baxter and introduce themselves. The Senator is charming, and tells Debbie that Mini-D is a lovely young man. Vic snorts, "We used to think so."
Back in the living room, Mini-D moans to his creator that his family has "cornered" the Senator: "We have to save her!" Hasn't noticed the music, yet, or that Justin's tricking in the middle of the party. Dr. Demon assures his hatchling, "She's a politician. She can talk her way out of anything," and leads Mini-D off. Elsewhere, Ted's trying to make time with another guy in a suit. Getting no play, though. Suit Two snorts, "I'm not into leather." Ted shrugs that neither was he: "Then I ran into this old school friend who shackled me in his dungeon and made me his suck-pig." "Suck-pig." I gotta tell you, QaF has improved my vocabulary immeasurably. Cut to Justin and Suit One grinding away in the living room. Cut to Brian forcing the waiter to drink a martini. Cut to Mini-D, horrified. Cut to Emmett, talking to Suits Three, Four, Five, and Six, "Black and blue, it's fine for bruises, boys, but when you come to a party, you need a little color. Now you -- oh, my God, who dressed you, Morticia Addams? -- now, you have a fabulous bubble butt. But it's not going to do you any good if you don't show it off." He makes everyone takes off their jackets so that he can check them out, and uh, give more fashion advice. Mini-D's about to have a coronary. The Demon is taking all of this in stride, and I'm sure the drink in hand helps. Emmett grabs Suit Three by the tie and vamps, "This lady is a tramp, and tonight, Jack's not the only one getting lucky." Right. Is this scene over, yet?
Thank. God. The Happy Fun House. Thank the Lord our God. Lindsay's in bed, holding Gus, who's a tad bit fussy, but so cute. Lindsay calls TLFKAM and tells her that Gus is in one of his "moods." TLFKAM grins that she remembers his moods. St. L. says, "You're the one with the magic touch; would you mind?" Contrived. Contrived. Contrived. TLFKAM's like, what, over the phone? St. L. says she's desperate, but not as desperate as the writing staff. TLFKAM clears her throat and starts to sing, "I Say a Little Prayer for You." Gus quiets down, fascinated by her voice. The song starts to get to TLFKAM, though, and she has to stop after the first verse and chorus. She asks whether it worked, and Lindsay giggles, "Like a charm. He's still the only one that appreciates your singing." Hee! TLFKAM says she has a lovely voice! Lindsay's like, yeah, uh, not. Snicker. TLFKAM laughingly agrees with her. Lindsay thanks her for the assist and says goodnight, letting her say goodnight to the baby, who is seriously tugging on my fallopian tubes.
Back to the fundraiser, which has turned into Bablyon Uptown. The suits have turned into HDGBs. Just, you know, pulled off their jackets and shirts and are boogy-ing away, because that's what you do when you've paid hundreds of dollars to attend a posh fundraiser. Brian's making out with the waiter in a corner. Jackie's shaking her groove thing in the middle of Suits Three, Four, and Five. Another waiter makes his way through the dancing masses with a shrimp cocktail poised perfectly on a tray. He trips. And falls. Right into Emmett and his cute little pink suit. Now it looks like it's covered with blood. So, Queer as Folk has just reached an all-time low for tastelessness. I'm sure TPTB are very proud. Brian leads the waiter, who doesn't seem particularly worried about getting fired, up the stairs. Mini-D tries to stop him, but Brian just smirks, "Don't worry. I'm just giving him a tour of your lovely home." Mini-D doesn't protest any further, because as I've pointed out many a time, he has no balls. He just apologizes to Demon some more. Demon tells him not to worry about it; no one's complaining. Across the room, Debbie laughs with the Senator, "I say, kick those Republicans right in the balls, except they haven't got any!" Mini-D is horrified some more. Demon drinks some more. Mini-D rushes over to the two women and asks Debbie to "stop monopolizing the Senator's time." Debbie: "I'm sorry, Diane." Mini-D's like, " 'Diane'?!" The Senator gushes that Debbie is a "remarkable woman! I attend a lot of fundraisers, and don't get me wrong, everyone means well, but they're usually very boring. But not this one! I have to tell you, I'm having a ball!"
Mini-D still pulls his mother aside. On her way to getting reamed by her son, Debbie makes Justin tell the Senator about the Gay/Straight Alliance he started. Once they're safely in the middle of the freaking living room floor, Mini-D snipes, "How dare you do this to me? And to David!" Debbie replies, "Do what? I was just talking to Diane. Do you know that she worked as a waitress to take care of her family?" Mini-D snaps that Senator Baxter was just being polite. Nice. Mini-D continues, "You actually think she wanted to spend her entire evening talking to you?" Bitch-slap him. Now. Debbie's mouth drops open, "Well, it's not like I nailed her to the floor." Mini-D tells her that they should all leave. Debbie: "This party was a stinker before we got here. You should be thanking us." Mike, a little louder, "For embarrassing the hell out of me?!" Ted, Emmett, Vic, Justin, David, and Diane are all staring at him now. So, that helped. Debbie nods, "I know that I'm a little hard to take sometimes. My jokes and my appearance, and my enthusiasm. Sometimes you're ashamed of me. That's okay. I'm your mother, and that's part of the deal. But Michael, I never thought the day would come when I would be ashamed of you." Burn! Mini-D scowls at her as she walks out.
The day at the market, Guillaume, holding Gus, asks for white peaches and is denied. He mourns being caught in Pittsburgh. It's winter, you freak. Aren't peaches seasonal? Guillaume walks past Brian, who notices them before Guillaume notices him. Brian starts playing with the baby, and sneers, "And he even does the shopping." Guillaume sneers, "Look who's here, Gus. Your sperm donor. And you thought he had a job." Oh, man. Toast. Brian, popping peas (or something) from a bag into his mouth, sneers that he's on his lunch break. Guillaume actually called him "sperm donor." And I was nice to him last week, too. Many props to Brian for attempting to out-sneer a Frenchman, though. Guillaume tells Brian that he shouldn't put things in his mouth that aren't washed. Hmm. That might put a damper on his social life. Brian sneers, "You French. So hygienic. I'll take my chances." Guillaume sneers that he guesses Brian is "used to living at risk." Brian thoughtfully sneers, "You know, you're taking quite a risk, yourself. In fact, if someone wanted to, they could...report you." Guillaume's head nearly snaps off his neck. He finally sneers, "Yes. It would be trouble for me. I could be sent back to France. But it would mean far worse for Lindsay. She could be sent to jail, which isn't exactly the Côte d'Azur." Brian says that they really shouldn't go through with it. Guillaume shrugs that Lindsay won't hear of them calling it off. He grabs a large zucchini and asks what Brian thinks. Brian sneers, "Is it for dinner or is it for you?" Brian reaches for Gus, but Guillaume tries to shunt him aside because they have to go home and cook dinner. Brian: "Fuck you and your ratatouille. Give me my kid, or I'll shove that zucchini up your ass." Guillaume weakly gives Gus up, saying it's "just for a minute." Brian mumbles to the baby, "I know. He smells." Ha! Guillaume sneers, "I wish I had a camera to capture this rare moment." Brian ignores him. Guillaume adds, "You know, once Lindsay and I are married, we'll need you to keep your distance. We've got to keep up appearances. I'm even thinking about adopting Gus. That way, everything would be nice and legal." That got Brian's attention. Damn, man, this whole episode is full of evil.
Outside St. James. A nice little protest is going on, headed by Justin, Daphne, and Debbie. Everyone chants, "Hey hey! Ho ho! Homophobia's got to go!" That just looks silly in print, doesn't it? The principal rushes out and demands to know what's going on. Justin: "We're protesting St. James's bigoted policy on school clubs." The Principal says that he's had just about enough of this, young man! Debbie reminds him of a little thing in the Constitution called "Freedom of Assembly." Senator Baxter steps out of a car and walks up the drive as the Principal yells, "This is private property. You're all trespassing. I'm calling the police!" Ooh, and there're news cameras, too, so that should make him look real good. Debbie snaps that he might want to stick around a minute, as Baxter smiles at him benevolently. Cut to a little bit later, as Senator Baxter holds a press conference on the steps of the school, under a big ole P-FLAG banner. She tells the cameras, "Justin Taylor tried to start a club to promote tolerance and understanding, and was denied, under the basis that St. James Academy was a private institution, and isn't required to acknowledge the voices of all it's students. Well, if private schools expect to receive public dollars, then we can expect them to uphold the same values of freedom and civil rights on which this country is based." Word.
Moving On. Later, Justin wakes up at Brian's in the middle of the night. Brian's not in bed, but Justin can hear the clink of glass against decanter in the living room. He gets up, and finds Brian staring at a picture of himself and Gus. Justin says that he loves that picture. Brian puts it down, snorting, "Yeah. Dada and sonny-boy." Brian, drunk off his ass, sighs, "All right, so I'm a shitty father. Are we surprised? I'm upholding a fine family tradition." Justin replies that Brian's not a shitty father -- and he's not -- and it's obvious that he loves Gus. Brian says he was kind of surprised that he does love the baby so much: "It's strange." Justin: "That there's someone else you care about besides yourself?" He tries to grab for the glass of vodka (?) but Brian pushes him away: "It's bad enough that you smoke at your age." Justin snorts, "At my age? Brian, I'm the most mature person you know." True, so true. Justin continues, "Do you think Gus is going to speak French before he speaks English? I mean, Lindsay can't raise him on her own. As much as you love him, you're never going to be a full-time parent." Brian: "You know, if I wanted the news, I'd watch CNN." What? Justin sighs, "You know, you can't control everyone's life, even though you'd like to." Brian snorts, "Obviously. You're still here." Justin nods, and replies, "Being mean to me has never really worked. You should try another tactic." Ha! Justin starts kissing Brian's neck, and as much as Brian would like to push him away, he just can't do it. Brian asks what he's doing, and Justin whispers, "I'm killing you with kindness. It's proved to be a highly effective technique for achieving one's goals." Justin gets up and goes back to bed, leaving Brian moping on the couch.
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay and Guillaume are getting ready to go. Lindsay searches for her keys. Guillaume snaps at her to hurry up; they have an appointment in twenty minutes. The doorbell rings. Guillaume looks outside and swears. He tells Lindsay that she has to get rid of "them" or else they'll be late. Lindsay says she'll take care of it, and opens the door. Brian barges in, with TLFKAM apologizing behind him. TLFKAM tells St. L. that she didn't know Brian was bringing her over there, but he told TLFKAM that Lindsay had an accident. Lindsay's like, what the hell? Brian stands dramatically in the middle of the living room and cuts them both off: "It was the only way." Guillaume testily asks whether they can do this another time, since he and Lindsay are late for their appointment to get a marriage license. ["I don't think you need an appointment to get a license. At least, in California all you had to do was walk up to a window at the County Recorder's office and pay, like, ten bucks." -- Wing Chun] Brian says that it won't take but a minute. Guillaume tries to force it, but Brian tells him to sit down and shut up. Brian asks Lindsay and TLFKAM to sit as well. Brian: "Now, I don't want to hear any more shit about 'This is my fault,' 'No, this is my fault,' 'I'm to blame,' 'No, I'm to blame,' 'I'm sorry,' 'No, I'm sorry.'" TLFKAM interrupts to say that it really was her fault. Lindsay says that it was her fault. They start talking over each other until Brian tells them to shut the hell up. He waves a rolled-up document and adds, "This is the only thing that matters." He throws it on the coffee table. Lindsay asks what it is, and Brian tells TLFKAM, "It's my parental rights. I've signed them over to you." TLFKAM's in shock. Lindsay asks Brian whether he's sure, and then asks why. Brian: "Well, my son deserves two parents who will be there for him and love him. And who love each other. So, the only way this deal works if the two of you get back together." TLFKAM, looking the gift horse in the mouth, asks whether this is some kind of bribe. Does it matter? Brian: "You could look at it that way. Or you could think of it as a very generous gift. But if you don't want it --" He picks the document up off the coffee table. St. L. asks TLFKAM whether she still loves her. TLFKAM replies that she never stopped. They grin, they kiss, and that's how Melanie got her name back. Well, actually, Brian asks for an answer, TLFKAM say yes, Guillaume grimaces in an easy chair and then leaves forever when Lindsay tells him she can't go through with the fake gay marriage, and that's how Melanie gets her name back. I always keep my promises.
Debbie's. Senator Baxter is hanging out with The Boys Plus Debbie, and compliments her on the food. Debbie's ecstatic, but says that she's sorry that the food isn't as fancy as Demon had at the fundraiser. Ted snarks, "Well, man and Senators cannot live by fancy caviar things alone." Baxter says that she's sorry Mini-D couldn't make it. Debbie demurs that her learning-impaired son probably had other plans. Ted: "Yeah, like dinner with Bobo." Emmett: "And Melisande." Brian: "Well, fuck him." On Debbie's look, Brian adds, "Sorry, Senator." Baxter chuckles, "It's okay. I've used that word myself. Usually followed by 'Bush.'" Ugh. Don't remind me. The Senator makes a toast, first to Debbie, and then, "To little victories." The principal agreed to take Justin's request to the school board. Yay! Justin thanks her. Mini-D walks in, in the guise of Michael Novotny. Right down to the beat-up jacket and Charlie Brown shirt. They all stare at him, until Debbie finally invites him to have a seat. Mini-D says that he can't stay and Vic snorts, "You can't, or you don't want to?" Mini-D looks all small and ashamed of himself. Debbie asks him whether he's eaten. He hasn't. She tells him to pull up a chair, and asks Justin to get Mike a bowl of pasta. Debbie, shaking her head, sniffles, "You little asshole." She and Mike hug and kiss and try not to cry.
Justin walks out to find Brian smoking in the back yard. Brian drawls that it all worked out. Justin says it's all thanks to the Senator. Brian tells him not to kid himself; the Senator's using him for money and votes, and she'll eventually move on to the big cause. Justin reminds him that she called it a small victory. Brian: "Well, don't think that you've won. That it's over. Because the minute you do that, you're dead." He kisses Justin with a lit cigarette in his mouth. I'm not exactly sure how they managed that without serious mouth burns. Justin sighs, "Not as long as I've got you to protect me." Brian slings an arm around his shoulder.
week: Mike gets hit on at Babylon, leading to a group discussion on whether or not monogamy is possible in Gay World. Brian says no: "Not because we're gay, but because we're men." Hmm. Is there any response to that that won't get me in trouble? Probably not. Ted runs into Blake, who then ODs in Babylon's restroom. Demon demands to know where Mike's been. Mike gives the worst answer possible, that being, "Out." Demon tosses things in frustration. I count the days until he is out of my life forever.