No Harvey. Jennifer Beals is co-hosting, instead. Which is quite a coincidence, since I just saw her on a VH1 Behind the Music special on Flashdance. She's very calm, and very sweet, and almost makes me forget that these opening blurbs are complete drivel. Because they really, really are. Did you know that they released the soundtrack for Flashdance months before it came out, in order to build up hype? Worked like a charm, too, even though the producers were sure that they had a box-office bomb on their hands. But like I always say: never underestimate the public's yen for eye candy and gratuitous sex. Set it all to an infectious beat, and who cares about paper-thin plotlines and bad dialogue? But I digress. Let's get on with the recap, shall we?
Brian's office. Two other guys -- looking remarkably similar in identical dark suits, short haircuts, and glasses -- are showing Brian their ideas for the Shullman Shoe campaign. They're supposed to be hawking a really ugly pair of wingtips. I'm a big fan of wingtips, actually, but these are pretty horrendous. Another young man with a coffee cup comes in, and tells Brian that Ryder told him to sit in on the meeting and learn something. One of the other guys smiles, "Well, Brian's the best." Brian, knowing a kiss-ass when he sees one, grimaces, "Thanks, Brad." Except it's not Brad, it's Bob. The other guy says he's Brad. Brian's confused. His face is all crinkled up, and it's not a good look for him. Coffee-Cup Guy introduces himself as Kip Thomas. He's new. Potential shout-out: he has the same first name as Tom Hanks's cross-dressing character in the '80s TV show Bosom Buddies. I'm sure Mr. Hanks is simply bursting with pride. Brian tells Kip to have a seat and enjoy the show. Brian asks Brad and Bob how they're going to sell the really ugly shoe. Brad -- or Bob -- says that they'll do it the same way they sold the ugly raincoat last year: use models to take the attention off of the product. Brian snipes that they're not selling the face, they're trying to sell the shoe. Brian asks Kip what he thinks. Kip says he likes it, only...Bob and Brad are like, "'Only'?" Kip continues, "Why try and hide what the product is?" Brian tells him to go on. Kip picks up the shoe and says, "I'd just photograph the shoe. With maybe a thought bubble, like, 'I'm not hip. I'm a classic.'" Bob -- or Brad -- brushes him off and asks Brian if they can continue. Brian replies that no, no, they may not. He asks Kip how long he's been at the agency. Kip says that he's been there two months. Brian notes that Brad and Bob have been there two years, and tells Kip, "Draw it up." Kip's astounded. "Me?!" he squeaks. "Him?!" Brad and Bob squeak. Brian confirms it, and tells him, "The boys will help you out. Won't you, boys?" Bob and Brad grimace.
The Happiest Funnest House Ever Built. Lindsay and Melanie are hosting a baby shower for another lesbian couple, Franny and Zoe. Not sure which one is which. Anyway, the pregnant one thanks Brian's Lesbians for being "true trail-blazing pioneers" in their little group's quest to get procreate. There's, like, two other pregnant lesbian couples there. The other one calls them "role models," and everyone claps in appreciation. See, this is ironic, because Melanie and Lindsay aren't getting along. I wasn't sure if you got that or not. In the doorway, the role models fake smile at their friends, and Melanie whispers to Lindsay that she wishes they would all leave. Lindsay, through gritted teeth, tells her to knock it off; the Righteous Babe Brigade might hear. Melanie doesn't care. Lindsay tells her that they couldn't cancel and disappoint Franny and Zoe: "How do you think they'd feel?" Melanie's all about what's really important here: "How do you think I feel? Like a liar and a fool." Lindsay chirps that they should talk about it later. Gus, bouncing in Lindsay's arms, is just about the cutest baby you ever did see. Such a cute baby! Melanie snarls that they can table it just like they do everything else, but in the meantime, she's "going to go spike the punch."
At the punch table, Melanie gets a glass and then leans on the table to some other woman, drawling, "Franny's so cute and tiny. I hate cute and tiny." Unlike the hulking mass Melanie is, right? The other woman nods, and then Mel thinks for a second and says, "Oh, God. You're probably best friends." The Other Woman shrugs and agrees, "Since high school." Think. Then talk. Think. Then talk. Yeah, I know. It's a tough one to nail. "Oh, fuck," Melanie sighs. The Other Woman laughs, "I'll drink to that." And they clink glasses. The Other Woman shrugs, "Don't worry about it. I hate cute and tiny, too." Meanwhile, in the living room, Franny and Zoe have just gotten a tiny leather jacket for the baby. But what are they going to do if it's a boy? Back near the punch, The Other Woman sighs that she would "just about kill for a cigarette right about now. All this baby stuff is just making me crazy!" Melanie asks if that's because she wants one, but but that's not it. She likes kids. Other people's kids. Sort of. Melanie laughs, as Other Woman smiles, "I'm more of a career dyke, myself." In the living room, Lindsay sits down to the happy couple. Melanie says she used to say the same thing until they had Gus. She introduces herself, and Other Woman says, "Yeah, I know -- the role model. I'm Marianne McDonald. Definitely not a role model." Melanie grins, "Well, good for you." Marianne sips her drink and smirks, "Although I guess you could say I'm PC...if 'PC' stands for 'performs cunnilingus.'" How appropriate. And tacky. And completely obvious. I guess the newspaper ad wasn't working. Melanie giggles and tells Marianne that she's wicked. Okay, that, too. Lindsay, looking all puritanical and St. L like, bounces Gus on her knee while giggling with the future Mommies. Marianne sighs and asks Melanie if she wants to sneak outside for a smoke.
Babylon! At the bar, Brian says that the P-Town party's coming up: "I'll make the reservations as usual. For the three of us." What's a P-Town party? Something to do with Philadelphia, maybe? I await an explanation on the boards. Y'all are better than the Encyclopedia Britannica. Mike's like, three? Brian meant him, Ted, and Emmett. Mike whines, "And what about me?" Ted reminds him that he's married. Mike pouts that David said he could go, as long as he behaves himself. Well, good thing he got Daddy's permission. Brian sneers, "Then what's the point of going?" Ted grins, "That just means more guys for me and Em, right, Em?" Emmett wanly agrees. Ted asks what's up, and Brian snarks, "He's got razor burn on his balls" for no reason; he just hasn't had the chance to be an asshole for five seconds. Emmett shrugs that he's fine. Brian orders him out onto the dance floor. Emmett lags behind, and when Ted asks Emmett if he's coming, Emmett uses his drink as an excuse to stay behind. When The Boys are gone, Emmett pulls out his cell phone and calls Shiny Matt, screeching, "Help!"
At another club on Liberty Avenue (I don't think it's the diner), Emmett -- gesticulating wildy -- tells Shiny Matt that The Boys are making plans to go to P-Town: "And now I really want to go. All those men. All those drugs." Matt pulls his hands down, earning my deep and abiding hatred forever. Emmett apologizes for the gesturing. How long is this dumb-ass storyline going to go on? One of these cans is going to chip the TV screen eventually. Emmett continues, "And that's not the worst of it. I sold the watch that my grandfather gave me on my death bed to get a ticket for Barbra's absolutely final, farewell, I swear to God this is it, concert." Emmett says that he can barely survive on what he makes: "And I'm going to fill Mrs. Brolin's coffer? That's sick. I'm sick." Okay, maybe he has a point, but then again, his grandfather is dead, so it's not like he'd mind or anything. You're right -- I didn't just say that. Shiny Matt says that there's a cure: "That's why you came to 'See the Light.'" Shiny Matt hands Emmett a picture of a drag queen -- the drag queen Shiny Matt used to be. Emmett's like, no way: "But you're so --" Uh, Shiny? Shiny Matt ends, "Straight? Thank you." "Thank you"? We're toeing the farce line, here, aren't we? Matt adds that he keeps the picture to remind him of his former life -- of how far he's come. "But even then, I knew that underneath those wigs, and all those fabulous gowns, there was a conservative Republican computer analyst dying to be freed." And we've just tipped over. If this is how the rest of the episode is going to go, thank God I keep a bottle of aspirin on the coffee table at all times. And wine in the fridge. Lots and lots of wine. Emmett doesn't even blink, however, so we've really got problems. Shiny Matt tells Emmett that See the Light can do the same thing for him, if he's serious about it. Emmett vigorously nods his head that he is. Yeah, just what this country needs -- another closeted Republican with a feathered boa past. Shiny Matt warns him that he might have to "extricate [himself] from certain corrupt influences." Emmett asks if he means his friends, and Shiny Matt recites, "Are they really your friends if they lead you into temptation?" Well, isn't that what friends are for? I mean, I've always seen it as one of my sworn duties. Emmett mumbles that they wouldn't do it deliberately, and Shiny Matt shakes his head and says, "If you See the Light, you musn't allow anyone or anything to divert you from the path." Abstinence vow or no, how scary is this? Emmett? Emmett! Snap, Snap! Psst! Over here! Scary. Emmett thanks Matt for his support, and Matt tells him that that's what he's there for: "To make sure you don't slip."
Brian's office. Kip comes in, and Brian quips, "So, are you CEO of the company yet?" Quips to Kip. Kip Quip. Kip laughs, "Not for another week or two." He says that Ryder told him that they're going to use his ideas for the shoe ad; Brian says he'll steal anything good and put his name on it. Kip nervously laughs that it's fine by him. And he may be sweating a little, too. Gross. Kip says that Bob and Brad aren't very happy, and Brian replies that untalented people often aren't when talented people like Kip come along. A compliment. Wow. Kip grins, with the Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement, "Yeah, well, you're pretty talented yourself." Thrown and caught. Nothing left but the moaning. Kip continues, "In fact, you have a reputation." Buddy, you have no idea. Brian -- cautious for the last time this episode -- is like, I do? Kip's talking about his rep for being the best exec in the company. Uh huh, riiiight. Kip says that why he asked to work with him. Brian thought he'd been assigned to work him. Kip lied. Brian's not worried, he's flattered, and shows Kip a presentation he's working on for another client. He wants Kip on that team, too. Kip's like, wow, how can I ever thank you?! So many hidden innuendoes, soooo little time. Brian says that it's enough for Kip to just do a good job. Kip replies that Brian can count on him, but instead of walking out the door, he closes it, turns back to Brian, and adds, "I just want you to know that you can count on me for anything. Day or night." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian smirks, "Well, you really are going for the gold watch." Kip, sauntering up to Brian and unbuttoning his jacket: "I mean it, because I think that you are really, really amazing." He's about to unbuckle Brian's pants and lean in for a kiss, when Brian stops him and asks what he's doing. Kip backs up and swears. He apologizes for the bad call -- he didn't know what he was thinking! Brian nods, "Well, you thought wrong. Because I'm the one who makes the first move." And with that, he rips open Kip's shirt (yawn), sweeps all the papers off his desk (ho hum -- and I do mean "ho"), and throws a surprised Kip onto it. Brian then pulls a condom out from somewhere, throws it in the air, catches it in his mouth, and rips it open with his teeth. One sec -- I need to get some coffee.
Okay, where were we? Right, so he's got Kip on the desk -- his glass desk -- and Brian's pounding away, and I can't believe they actually did this, but the camera starts shooting from underneath the glass, so you can see Kips thighs and butt pressed up against it, like a squeegee from hell. So, Kip's all panting, and Brian's all pumping and sweating, and just as I'm contemplating a mass murder-suicide, Kip finally comes, and my debut on the six o'clock evening news is narrowly averted.
Cut to Mike in the passenger seat of Brian's Jeep, eyes wide as he exclaims, "You fucked him in your office?" Brian smirks, "He was the best thing to come across my desk in a long time." ARRGGGHHHHH! KHANNNNNNN! Mike laughs that Brian's unbelievable, and Brian adds hemorrhage to insult to injury by replying, "Yeah, that's what he said." Brian snickers, "You mean no one's ever had a Big O at the Big Q?" Mike and I both hope not. Brian says he has. Amputation to hemorrhage to insult to injury, coming up: when Brian came to visit during the Christmas season, The Big Q was setting up the Santa picture booth. Mike begs Brian to not tell him that he fucked Santa. Brian grins, "Not even I would do that. [Pause] I'm not into fat. It was his elf." Mike's shocked. Brian adds, "What he lacked in feet, he made up for in inches." I'm in hell. Mike shakes his head, and says that Brian should still be careful: "Having sex in your office -- that may be a little high-risk, even for you." Brian shrugs that Kip came onto him: "I gave him a great opportunity, and a great fuck. He has no complaints." Idiot.
The House so Happy that Disney Should Sue. Melanie's in the living room working as Lindsay walks in, cheerfully talking to Franny on the phone. Before getting off the line, she tells Franny that she and Melanie both send their love. Melanie's not even paying attention. Lindsay, keeping up the act, chirps to Melanie that Franny and Zoe appreciated the shower, send their love back, and really liked the mobile Lindsay made for them. Melanie asks Lindsay whether she ever tires of being so cheery. I dunno -- do you ever tire of being such a bitch? Lindsay's shoulders fall and she replies, through gritted teeth, "You have no idea." Melanie says, "Well, I'm tired of putting in all these extra hours so you can be with the baby. So, why don't you just go -- go be with the baby." And to think for half a sec there, I was beginning to like her. I had an ex that used to do that all the time -- agree to do me a "favor," and then spend every waking moment afterwards reminding me about it. Like, literally seconds afterwards. As in, "I got you a drink. Don't worry, it's on me. Aren't you going to thank me?!" That's an actual example, by the way, and a hoot and a half to live with. Not. Shut up, Melanie. They go through the whole thing about no, it's really so Gus can be raised by one of his mommies instead of by a complete stranger, but Melanie likes being bitter, so can Lindsay please go away so Melanie can resent her some more? Thanks, Linds. Lindsay says she's not leaving until Melanie apologizes for her behavior at the shower. Melanie doesn't think that she did anything wrong. Lindsay says she was critical and rude and that half the time she wasn't even there, and I'm thinking she doesn't need a party to act like that -- you've just described her behavior during the entire run of this show. Melanie shoots back, "What about your behavior? Smiling and gracious as ever, as if nothing's wrong." Lindsay replies that there's plenty wrong, but "that doesn't mean [they] have to share it with [their] friends." Melanie retorts that maybe they should: "Maybe they should know that their role models aren't so perfect after all." And I'm sure they'll thank you for it. But probably not, those bitches. Melanie throws down her pen and gets her jacket. Lindsay asks her where she's going. Don't ask. Just change the locks once she's gone. Melanie snarls back, "For a smoke."
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. Don't you worry, he'll be back. Emmett's packing up all of his sex-related paraphenalia. Do I have the energy to go through the porn titles? Ah, what the hell: Shaving Ryan's Privates, Good Dick Hunting, As Big as it Gets, and Fatal Erection. He also throws in a sterling silver cock ring (which looks a little too big for its purpose, but what do I know?). Mike and Ted walk in. Mike came by to pick up the mail, and Ted came by to ask whether Emmett wanted to go get something to eat. Ted sees the box filled with sex-related paraphernalia and asks what he's doing. Emmett smiles, "Spring cleaning." Mike tells him it's December. Em says that he's donating some things to the homeless. Ted pulls out a double-headed dildo and snarks, "Well, you are going to make some lucky bag lady very happy." Emmett gives up and replies, "All right, well, I might as well be straight with you." Mike and Ted snort. Emmett says it's not impossible: "I know that you guys are my friends, and that you'll support me in whatever it is I choose to do." Ted snarks, "Weren't we there to cheer you on when you painted your toenails magenta?" Emmett grimaces, and continues, "I've decided that I need to explore the part of me that isn't gay." Ted replies, "And what part, pray tell, would that be?" Which is what I was going to say. I've also found that it's much more satisfying to merely crush the cans in my hand than throw them at the screen. Emmett tells them that he joined "See the Light." Mike and Ted are not thrilled. Emmett adds that he's trying to find his true self, and Mike says, horrified, "Who you are is your true self!" Emmett says that who he is is who he's allowed himself to become. Huh? Mike screams, "That's bullshit!" Emmett says that "they" said that his friends might react badly. Ted asks what else "they" say, and Emmett says that "they" say that he can be the person that God wants him to be. Ted tells him he's being brainwashed, Emmett replies that no, they're really nice people, actually. "Yeah, who just happen to want every gay person on earth annihilated!" Ted yells. Mike adds, "They haven't offered you any Kool-Aid yet, have they?" Nah. Too much pink in it. Emmett tells them that he doesn't appreciate their making fun of him, picks up a cocktail napkin -- Mike gasps, "That's the napkin Liza autographed for you!" -- throws it in the box and takes everything outside (to the garbage, I presume).
Liberty Avenue. Ted moans that this is all his fault -- he shouldn't have taken Emmett with him when he went to be tested. Mike says that Ted's not responsible for Emmett's losing his goddamn mind. Ted sighs that maybe Emmett just needs to get laid. 'Cause that always solves everything. Shut up, Ted. They pass a guy handing out flyers and take one. It's for a play called Twelve Horny Men, starring Zack O'Tool. Yeah, you heard me. Zack's a big-time porn star -- Ted has Zack's entire "oeuvre" on DVD. Mike didn't even know Zack could talk. Ted wonders what type of play it is, Mike's like, um, what could something called Twelve Horny Men possibly be about? Ted doesn't know, but there's only one way to find out!
The friendly neighborhood lesbian bar. Marianne and Melanie sit at a table, smoking and drinking because it's too soon for them to suck face. Melanie sighs, exhaling a stream of smoke in the air, "Sometimes I would do anything for a cigarette." Marianne smirks, "Well, that's good to know." Urrrgh. Marianne asks why she doesn't smoke anymore; Melanie explains that she gave it up when the baby came; Lindsay was worried about secondhand smoke. Marianne asks whether Lindsay's one of those people "who's always infuriatingly right about everything?" Melanie laughs that she is. Marianne gazes at Melanie like she's a piece of steak and Marianne's just finished a long fast. No, I can do better than that: Marianne looks at Melanie like she really, really wants to have sex with her. After all, who died and crowned me Subtlety Queen? Melanie chuckles that Marianne was such a relief at the shower, where everyone else was so focused on babies, babies, babies. At a baby shower? How odd. Marianne agrees that it was all a bit oppressive. Melanie states that she loves Gus, and Marianne interrupts, "But sometimes, you just need something else." Whatever. Both of them are wearing really glossy lipstick, which accentuates...well, their mouths. Am I doing a good job of hiding how annoyed I am by this scene? No, I didn't think so. As the waiter (although it could be a waitress; there's like a crew-cut and a t-shirt that skitters away in a flash) puts down two more glasses of wine, Melanie asks whether she may have another cigarette. Marianne tells her to take the whole pack. It's a small price to pay for a little illicit booty. Melanie laughs that she'll just take one, lights a cigarette, and looks at the lighter, which is monogrammed "MM." Melanie asks about the monogram, since Marianne only told her that her last name was McDonald yesterday, for God's sakes. Anyway, it gives Marianne the opportunity to say that she, Melanie, and Marilyn Monroe all have the same initials. This starts a discussion about whether Marilyn, too, was a lesbian. Marianne says she's heard rumors, but who cares? Marilyn's dead. She's not sleeping with anyone anymore, and she's not on this show. And I'm getting the lesbian bonding and all, but let's keep it moving. Some of us have to work in the morning. Marianne says, "Well, I think this is fate. Just when you needed someone to tell your troubles to." Yeah, too bad you can't sleep with your psychiatrist. Marianne adds, "Not that you have to tell me. Considering that I'm your new best friend and weed pusher." Ha. Ha. Ha. Melanie shrugs that everyone has their problems, and Marianne sighs, "I know. Wait until you get a load of mine." You mean aside from this impulse to go after other women's girlfriends? Marianne: "But I want you to know that whatever's said here at this table doesn't go any further. Girl Scout's Honor." Wow, she's really cool, Mel. You should totally fuck her.
Brian's. Justin's dropped by. Brian asks, "How long have you known me? I don't 'do' dates." Justin says that he's not asking him out, just asking if he wants to go to Babylon with him. Brian says that he has to work; Justin snorts that's never stopped him before. Brian smacks him on the butt and reminds him that he's supposed to be studying for his SATs. Justin says that dancing helps him concentrate, rattling off some crap about released endorphins or something. Brian nods, "So, Babylon's good for your health. That's a new one. " The doorbell rings, and Justin runs to get it, but Brian pulls him back. It's Kip. Justin's like, "Who?" Because it's totally his business. Brian tosses him out and Justin shrugs, "That's okay. I'll just find someone else to dance with. Shouldn't be a problem." Whatever. Justin walks down the stairs and Kip comes up in the freight elevator. Justin sort of lurks around a corner to check Kip out and then mopes off. But anyway, Kip compliments Brian on the penthouse, asking how much a place like this costs. Brian snerks, "More than you can afford on your current salary." Kip shrugs, "Not for long." No warning bells there or anything. Brian hands him a beer, and nods, barely caring, "I'm sure you'll go far." Snicker. Kip asks if he can take a look around; Brian says sure and goes back to his desk to organize his paperwork. Brian calls when he's done, while looking for Kip, "So, why don't we --" as Brian finds him sprawled out naked on the bed, "-- get started." Brian smiles, bemused. Kip drawls, "That's just what I had in mind."
The "play." As Ted and Mike watch in anticipation, Zack O'Tool -- a really, really big, really, really tall man -- strides the stage and intones, "We've been locked in this jury room for three days. Three days, trying to reach a verdict. Three days with no human contact." The audience is all men, most with their mouths open in awe. Ted, for one, has rolled up his program and is subconsciously running his hand up and down it. Zack continues, "Three days breathing the air in here, thick with the smell of man-stench." Gack. Mike snorts, "Speaking of stench, you ever heard such of dialogue?" Mike actually said that. How sad is it that the writers tried to come up with dialogue worse than their usual, and failed miserably? Ted, wide-eyed and entranced, whispers that it's brilliant. Zack continues, "Well, there's only one way to break this deadlock," and as the audience holds its collective breath, Zack rips off his shirt, and then rips off his pants. Shot from behind, his dick falls, like, halfway to the floor. Good for him. The crowd whispers ooh and ahh, 'cause they don't have lives. And Mike's soo busted if Dr. Dave finds out about this. The other eleven jurors rip off their clothes, too, and the crowd bursts into applause. We're getting some full-frontal on some of these guys, too. Mike tells Ted, "This must be how they reached a verdict in the O.J. trial." Ha. Ha. Ha. Ted cries out, "That's what I call a hung jury!" And bursts out of his chair, clapping wildly.
Outside after the play, Ted and Mike make their way through the crowd of losers asking for O'Tool's autograph. When they're finally in front of him, they start giggling like schoolboys, until Mike finally tells Zack, "That was a really interesting play." O'Tool intones, "To me, it challenges the very nature of our legal system and asks, 'Is it indeed possible to even receive a fair trial?'" Especially if the jury's having sex with each other. Now there's a question society has yet to answer. I wonder when they're just going to go ahead and add a laugh track. Maybe season. Ted swallows, "Well, I'd say that our judicial branch is in fine shape." Maybe sooner. Zack asks whether they want him to sign their programs, and after getting hit by Mike a couple of more times, Ted asks Zack if he ever does personal appearances. Zack says he's opening a bed and bath store in a few days. Mike says that they meant more personal than that, and Ted adds that they have a friend who's having some "doubts about himself," and since Zack is Emmett's favorite porn star, too, they were hoping Zack could see him, or something. Zack says they should bring him to the show: "Or, wait until month, when I'm making my Shakespearean debut as Coriol Anus." Getting low on aspirin here. Not to mention aluminum cans. Ted all of sudden screeches, "We'll pay! A thousand dollars!" Mike gasps, "Are you out of your fucking mind?!" Ted replies, "No. But Emmett is."
The Mickey-Can't-Touch-This House. Melanie creeps in the door and takes a deep breath before starting up the stairs. Cut to Melanie and Marianne at Marianne's place, walking in the door. Cut back to Melanie walking up the stairs, as the camera focuses on her hand -- the one with the wedding ring on it -- holding onto the banister. Cut back to Marianne's, as Marianne takes the same hand and leads it up her own staircase. Back to Mel's, as she tries to enter her and Lindsay's bedroom without making any noise. Cut to back to Marianne, lighting a candle, and then seductively blowing out the match. Melanie, with a determined look on her face, takes off her jacket and joins Marianne on the bed. Cut back to Melanie and Lindsay's bedroom, as Lindsay sleepily calls her name. Melanie apologizes for waking her, and sits on the end of the bed. St. L. says, "You left so angry...where have you been?" Cut back to Marianne's bed, where Mariane runs her hands up Melanie's body and...you know what, forget it -- they have sex, okay? I'm done, all right? Melanie has sex with another woman because, I don't know, the planet isn't going her way, and she doesn't have the balls just to break up with Lindsay, or say, "No, it's too much pressure for me to support this entire family," or get over this whole thing with Gus and Brian, or get over herself, or anything like that. Oh, no, it's easier to go and fuck someone else, and then act like Lindsay's out of line for asking where her cheating ass has been all night. I'm through. Melanie is dead to me, do you hear? Dead. I'm ripping cloth in her name even as I type. Melanie, tired of Lindsay's intrusive questions, huffs that she's going to go sleep in the guest bedroom.
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. There's a knock at the door, and Emmett answers it. It's Zack, with the big sideways bulge in his jeans to prove it. Emmett's in shock. Zack intones that he's looking for Emmett Honeycutt. Emmett replies, "Okay, that's impossible." Zack asks, "And why is that?" And Emmett replies, "Because that's me." Heh. Oh, I hope to be able to steal that line someday. Zack, looking Emmett up and down, nods, "Well, I heard that you're one of my biggest fans. I thought I'd drop by and see just...how big." Emmett babbles something about knowing every inch of him, uh, he means, inside and out. Uh.... Zack's all decked out in the height of porn star fashion -- a pair of tight blue jeans, no shirt, and a floor-length black leather coat. He's impressive, and all, but, um, ewwwww. Zack finally walks in, and Emmett starts babbling (as Zack takes off first his coat and then his jeans), "You know how people say how much smaller movie stars are when you see them in real life? Well, you're actually...not." Emmett says that he looks just like he did in Hung Like a Horse when he raped the two stable boys. Zack grins that that was on his favorites and sits down on the couch. Emmett says his favorite was Eating Out, when Zack raped the two busboys. Zack interrupts him by intoning (I swear to God, it's like this deep voice coming out of the heavens), "I'm horny. I need some release." Emmett gasps, "Oh, my God, that's exactly what you say in Deep End, Part II when you rape the two pool boys." Zack says he won the golden dildo for that movie, and Emmett says that the award was well-deserved. There is not enough cider in the Metropolitan DC Area to ease my pain. Zack, flexing his pecs, asks Emmett, "How'd you like to make friends with my buddy here?" Emmett drops to his knees like the ceiling's on fire, gasping, "I have dreamt about this moment all my life!" and opens his mouth, really, really, really wide before lowering his head down to Zack's lap.
The ad agency. Kip walks into Brian's office as Brian's walking out. Brian says that he can't talk; he has a meeting outside the office. Kip snerks, "I hope it's not like our meeting outside the office." Brian can barely remember what he's talking about. Kip asks when they're going to get together again. Brian tells Kip to check with Cynthia about his schedule, but Kip meant for dinner, "dinner" being a euphemism for "sex." Brian impatiently replies that he doesn't know. Kip stops him before he gets into the elevator, and tells him that a manager's position is opening up at the agency, and not only would Kip like to be considered for it, but he wants Brian to recommend him. Brian tells Kip that he's talented, but that he's not ready to be a manager yet. Kip says that he can learn on the job. Brian says, "I admire your ambition, but you need the experience to back it up. Give it time." Kip says that he doesn't have time, and that if he doesn't act now, they'll give the job to someone else. Brian repeats that he's not ready, and gets into the elevator.
The Hospital. The Righteous Babe Brigade has gathered together once more, this time to celebrate Franny and Zoe's bundle of joy. Lindsay, leaning across the bed right to Marianne, says that it's another boy, and that no one in their group has had a girl yet. Marianne replies that she knows two gay men who just had a little girl. St. L. introduces herself; she and Marianne shake hands and Marianne reminds Lindsay that she was at the shower. No shame. Lindsay remembers. Then Marianne says, "You know, you two have a beautiful home, and a beautiful son. Hell, you have a beautiful life. I hope you two take care of each other -- you know, protect what you've got. You don't want to lose it." Thanks for the props, oh, and yeah, the help, too. The Lesbian Formerly Known as Melanie enters, and everyone turns around to look at her. The Lesbian Formerly Known as Melanie just about turns blue when she sees Marianne and Lindsay standing to each other. The new mommies coo for her to "come look at Gus's new best friend." TLFKAM gingerly approaches the bed. Zoe tells her, "Isn't it like déjà-vu? I mean, it wasn't that long ago that you and Lindsay were right here." Franny adds, "I remember how radiant you two looked." Lindsay assures them, "You two look the same way." TLFKAM can't take any more, and excuses herself to dash into the hallway. Lindsay follows. Marianne tries not to look at either one of them. Oh, so now you're all about the shame? Little late there, Skippy.
In the hall, TLFKAM tells Lindsay, "We were radiant, weren't we? When we had Gus. We were so happy." Lindsay says that it was the most beautiful moment of her life: "Of our lives." TLFKAM asks how they got to where they are now. Lindsay says that they do have their problems; TLFKAM says that "everything's wrong." Lindsay replies that not everything is wrong. Lindsay adds that if TLFKAM thinks they should go and see a psychiatrist, then they should. TLFKAM then shifts her feet and mumbles, "Something happened." Doesn't even have the ovaries to keep her guilt to herself, huh? What a surprise. Lindsay asks what she's talking about. TLFKAM -- not looking St. L. in the eye, but with more defiance than she deserves to show -- replies, "I didn't mean for it to. But it did." Yes, she didn't mean to go to another woman's house, walk up her stairs, get undressed, lie on her bed, and have sex with her. None of that was deliberate. Completely beyond her control, you understand. Aliens, you know. They're out there, and they have powers you and I just can't comprehend. Lindsay shakes her head because she doesn't get it, but then, she suddenly does, without TLFKAM's having to say another word. Horrified, Lindsay slowly backs away, finally whispering, "Who was it?" TLFKAM says that it doesn't matter. On cue, Marianne sticks her head out into the hallway to tell them that the nurse is coming to take the baby, if they want to get one last look. Lindsay staggers away down the hallway, away from all of them. TLFKAM feebly and insincerely calls after her, "I'm sorry, Lindsay."
Babylon! Brian, Justin, Ted, and Mike are at the bar. Brian asks Ted and Mike whether they really set Emmett up with Zack O'Tool. Ted and Mike are all laughing, gee, we wish we could have seen his face! How cool are we, huh? Justin awes that Zack's supposed to have a twelve-inch penis. Mike's amazed that Justin knows who Zack O'Tool is, and Justin rolls his eyes, "Everyone knows who the 'Manrammer' is." Mike snorts, "Even schoolboys?" Ted snickers, "That's part of the curriculum. 'Gay Porn Stars 101.'" Brian replies, "Yeah, and here's the first lesson: those that can, do. Those that can't, watch porn." I would like to add that I am the obvious exception to that rule. Thanks for listening. Brian spots his conquest and heads off. He follows, like, whoever, into the Back Room of Sex. And who should he run into instead but Kip. Kip's higher than the Mir Station this evening, and asks Brian to dance. Brian says no, but, like, a lot less nicely, because he's lost, like, whoever. Brian asks Kip what he's on. It's something called "double bumps." Brian snaps that Kip shouldn't be letting Senior Management know that. He shouldn't be sleeping with Senior Management, either; I'm just saying. Kip says that it's a special occasion -- someone else got that manager's position for which Brian wouldn't recommend him. Brian sneers that he told Kip he wasn't ready for it. Kip snaps that Brian that was obliged to help him out. Brian snorts, "Why, because I fucked you? You weren't that good." Burn! He turns to leave the Back Room of Sex, but Kip stops him and whines that since he and Brian are both gay, Brian should help him out. Brian tells Kip that he's supposed to get ahead the same way that Brian did -- by helping himself and doing a better job than anyone else. "Do that and, trust me, they won't give a shit where you stick your dick," Brian says. "And one more thing. Don't mix that with booze. There. I did you a favor."
Liberty Avenue, the day. Ted and Mike are wondering where Emmett is. Mike thinks maybe he's recovering from his encounter with the Manrammer. They spot Emmett across the street, run to him, and ask where he's been. Emmett says he's been busy. They're like, I bet you have! Mike asks him to come have a drink with them, but Emmett's meeting someone. Mike asks if it's a guy, and Emmett replies, "Well, if you must know, yes. His name is Matt." Ted crows, "Well, guys named Matt, by my calculation, are always 87.5 percent cute!" Let me think...Croson...Grabowski...Perry. Yeah, 87.5 is about right if you lump Shiny Matt in there. He brings down the average a little. Emmett looks mighty uncomfortable. Ted punches Emmett in the arm and demands that he tell them all about it. Emmett replies, "About what?" Zack O'Tool, of course! Emmett says, "It was quite an eye-opening experience, and I owe it all to you." Mike replies, "As long as it did the trick." Emmett sighs, "It did the trick all right...it helped me prove to myself that I can resist any temptation, even it's the only man I've ever had a spontaneous orgasm over." Ted's shocked -- appalled, even -- that they didn't do anything. Emmett says that they talked. I can't even imagine that conversation. Emmett says, "Did you know he studied acting with Uta Hagen? And he's fluent in three languages." Ted says that's not the type of "tongue action" for which he paid a thousand dollars. See, when you say it like that, it does sound pretty pathetic. Emmett grins, "Wow. They told me you'd stop at nothing to prevent me from finding my true self." Ted loses it: "Your true self is a big nelly queen who likes to get down on his knees and suck cock, and once a year, on Halloween, likes to get dressed as the ugliest fuckin' Cher that the world as ever seen! And that's okay!" Emmett looks offended at the Cher comment. Ted adds, grabbing Emmett's arm, "You've got to get away from those sicko creeps before they destroy you." Emmett pulls Ted's hand away and says that it's The Boys from whom he has to get away. Emmett shakes his head, "They tried to tell me that, but I didn't want to believe them. But now, I've seen the light." And he walks down the street, accompanied by completely inappropriate Gospel music.
The Happy Fun Discorama. TLFKAM's packing. Lindsay's holding Gus and telling her that she doesn't have to leave. The hell she doesn't. Bye, TLFKAM. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. TLFKAM coughs and nobly notes, "I've caused enough harm. It would only be destructive to you, to me, to Gus." Oh, I'm sorry. You're still here? Didn't I say goodbye already? I was being sincere. Bye, TLFKAM. The fumigators are coming in a few minutes; time for you to go now. TLFKAM hasn't told Lindsay where she's going, and Lindsay fearfully asks, "To 'her'?" TLFKAM says that it was never supposed to be more than sex, which I'm sure is a load off of Lindsay's mind. TLFKAM's going to stay with her cousin Rita, and Lindsay snorts, in disbelief, "The one with the overbite, who thought we'd never make it?" TLFKAM sighs, "Well, I guess [Rita] deserves the prize for being right, huh?" Yeah, but she's getting you, so what's your point? TLFKAM asks whether she may have a moment alone with Gus before she goes. Lindsay actually hands her the baby and leaves the room. That damn house would have been half burned to the ground by now, if it were me, which is probably why none of my exes speaks to me these days.
Brian's office. Bob and Brad bravely face The Sneermaster once again over the wingtip campaign. Bob -- or Brad -- says that they thought, "Nostalgia would appeal to the denture set." Brian sneers, "By reminding them that their best years are behind them, and all they have to look forward to is further deterioration. And death." Brad -- or Bob -- adds, "We thought it would make them smile." Brian sneers, "They're afraid to smile. Their fucking teeth will fall out!" Run! Hide! Quit! Gah! Brian asks where Kip is, and either Brad or Bob says that he called in sick. Right then, Grand Poobah Ryder walks in and tells Brian that they need to talk. Brian dismisses Bob and Brad. Brad and Bob. Whatever. The Grand Poobah closes the door after them. Brian asks what's up, and the Poobah says, "You tell me. Legal just received a fax from Kip Thomas's lawyer. He says that you promised to help Mr. Thomas's career in exchange for sexual favors. And when he, uh, complied, then you rescinded your offer." Brian stays pretty calm, and drawls that it's "complete bullshit." The Poobah says that Kip's suing Brian and the firm for sexual harassment. Brian's face slacks in horror. Nice going there, Kinney. Can't wait to see the character witnesses at that deposition.
week: it's Emmett's turn to date a girl, this one a fellow convert. Brian asks TLFKAM to represent him in the sexual harassment suit. Emmett and his date run into Ted and TLFKAM, and sarcastic patter flies. David goes to Debbie and Vic's (where the hell have they been, anyway?) looking for Mike, who lied and told him that he was there when he was really hanging out with Brian. David goes full-metal control freak and shrieks that maybe they should "rethink the whole thing." Make up your mind, David. In or out. And by the way, I didn't miss you at all this episode.