Oh! They put the Viewer Discretion Advisory back at the beginning of the episode. Could it be? Yes! Harvey Fierstein's back! Yay! Dear Producers: Pay the man. Make him stay. Love, Camper. Harvey could teach a master's class in suggestive eye rolling, and I'm willing and eager to learn.
Liberty Diner. As Mike and David exit and walk down the street, David tells Mike that his fantasy is waking up to hear someone in the shower, singing softly in order not to disturb him. David says that he gets up, goes into the bathroom, and sees, through the shower door, "the shape of the man I love." Gack. Mike snarks, "Am I conditioning my hair at the time?" Ha! David says he's serious. I think he's got to be kidding. How long have these two been going out, again? Not long enough. Dave repeats his request that Mike move in with him. Mike notices, loudly, that there's an X-Men display in the video store window they're passing. (Chris Potter did the voice of Gambit in the X-Men cartoon series, by the way. My side job as DVD Easter Egg never ends.) Anyway, David persists: Mike still hasn't given him an answer. Mike says that he's still thinking about it. David says that he doesn't want to put any pressure on him. The universe screams back, "Too late!" David adds, "I just believe that when somebody knows what they want, they should go after it. I want you to be coming out of that shower. And I want to know that you're not going to run out." Mike looks like he's wondering where the keys to the shackles are. Dave squeezes Mike's shoulder, asking, "Wouldn't you like that, too?" Getting a little creepy there, Rasputin. Back the hell off. Mike promises to give him an answer soon, and then confirms that he and David are still having brunch the day. As David turns his car alarm off, Mike grins, "No one's ever put me in a fantasy before." David winks at him, "That you know of." Coop, watching with me, notices the apoplectic seizure I'm having on the floor and casually asks what's up. I tell him that these two have been going out for about as long as we have -- it's like if he all of a sudden asked me to move in with him. Behold the snugglebunny's answer: "Wha? Wha, uh, it's too early for that, isn't it?!" Is what I'm saying! And he gets massive credit for not leaving a Coop-sized hole in my doorway when I asked.
The Happy Fun House. Lindsay's raking leaves as Melanie stands by, holding the baby. They wave to a straight couple pushing a stroller in front of the house. Lindsay says that the man stays at home with the baby. Melanie asks who pays the bills. Odd question. If he stays at home, then his wife most likely works, right? Like it just occurred to her, Lindsay continues that she would love to stay at home. Melanie says that it's a good idea -- they can order Chinese food and rent Terms of Endearment. Lindsay explains that, no, she wants to stay home with the baby. Melanie asks about her job; Lindsay breezes, "Do you think anyone ever looks back on their life and said, 'Gee, I wish I hadn't taken that year off to be with the baby.'" Some people don't have a choice, Lindsay. I'm smiling through gritted teeth while I type this, FYI. Melanie reminds her that the plan was for her to go back to work, and for them to get a nanny for Gus, but Lindsay coos, nuzzling the baby, "I know, but I never thought I'd be in love like this." Melanie sighs that it would be great if one of them could stay at home with the baby, but that they don't have the dough. Lindsay unsuccessfully tries to blow off the money issue. Melanie asks if she has another solution, and Lindsay mentions Brian. Melanie narrows her eyes: "After what he did?" Lindsay meekly points out that they wouldn't have Gus without him, and Melanie darkly replies, "And every time I look at [Gus], hold him, kiss him, I realize I have absolutely no rights." A big elephant wearing a sign that says, "You're a lawyer; why didn't you take care of this before he was born?" stomps through the yard unnoticed. Lindsay tells Melanie that she is "every bit as much his parent" as Lindsay is, and Melanie scowls, in her overdramatic, Emperor's March kind of way, "Not every bit. I have no more claims to our son than if he was a total stranger." And with that, she sweeps back into the house with Gus. Dude, it's the least Brian can do. If he wants to be a parent, let him be a parent. He just gave Lindsay $2000 a couple of weeks ago, and there's more where that came from. Use him, abuse him and call him "Dad," I say.
Brian's loft. Justin's giving Daphne (yay! Daphne's back) the grand tour. Daphne's impressed, cause the TV is huge! And Brian has a DVD player! And the furniture's Italian. From Milan. That's in Italy, you know. Justin tells her, "Wait until you see the picture of the naked guy." Just then, Brian opens the bathroom door...naked. Daphne gets some full-frontal Brian, and is understandably flummoxed. Me, too, damn it, her head's in the way. Daphne, move your -- darn it! Brian frowns at her and asks to have a word with Justin. Justin's fairly amused by all this, and joins him back in the bathroom. Brian asks what's going on; Justin explains that he was showing Daphne around. Brian snaps, "This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here." As Daphne surreptitiously checks out Brian's butt, Justin snerks, "He's the only one who hasn't." Brian tells him to keep it down: "Do you have any idea what time it is?" Yeah. It's noon. Crap! Brian was supposed to meet his new trainer in an hour! Brian pushes Justin out of the way so that he can get ready. Justin walks back to Daphne and snorts, "You're just going to have to be more considerate, Daph." Hee. Brian asks whether either of them knows how to make a creatine and soy protein shake. Of course they don't. I've never even heard of "creatine" before. Brian orders Justin to go pour him some guava juice instead. Justin shrugs and heads to the kitchen, Daphne adorably following him. I just love that girl. I can't help it. Daphne asks Justin if he's going home, and Justin asks her what for. Daphne says that she saw balloons on the mailbox, and Justin remembers that it's his little sister's birthday. Justin's not sure he can go back after all that's happened. I can't believe Jennifer didn't mention it or invite him. That's kind of weird. What happened to her "tear down this wall!" philosophy? Brian walks up to the kids, and Daphne hands him his guava juice, smiling shyly. Brian smiles at her, "You'd make an excellent wife." Turning to Justin, he adds, "Then she can dump you." Why wait? Justin swats him. Daphne wrinkles her nose and replies, "Please. I'm never going to get married. Why be tied down?" Brian grins, "I love this girl." Join the club. Brian puts on his sunglasses, grabs his gym bag, and asks Justin what he's going to do today. Justin shrugs, "Smoke some weed. Download porn." I'm not sure if he's kidding. Brian replies, "Well, if you go out, just make sure you set the alarm." Brian kisses Daphne on the cheek, says, "Bye-bye, Darling" to Justin, and takes off. Daphne's one big giggle. "He's to die for!" she tells Justin. See, this is how an addiction to bad boys gets started. You meet one, and he's exciting and nice and cool, but then he disappears before he can show his true asshole colors, and then you're forever walking the earth searching for another one. But of course, when you find another one, eventually they go all Vader on you, and you don't understand why. Oooh, I hate Brian.
At Michael's place, Emmett's just heard the news that Dave asked Mike to move in with him, and he's crying with joy. Emmett asks when it happened, and Mike tells him that it was the week before. Emmett, understandably, wants to know why it took Mike so long to say anything about it. Mike says that he hasn't decided, yet. Emmett shrieks, "Please, what's to decide? The man of your dreams asked you to move in with him!" Mike says that they don't know each other very well and that he doesn't know if they're ready. Do you hear that? "We don't know each other very well, and I don't know if we're ready." Doubt! Reluctance! Clear signs! Emmett answers, "Well, there's plenty of time for that once you move in together!" Did I drop into an alternate universe or something? Mike starts whining about what he'd do with all his stuff; pointing to his big sign of Captain Astro, he asks what the hell he's going to do with it. Good point -- David will eventually get jealous of that, too. Emmett exclaims, "Fuck Captain Astro! You've got Dr. David." Mike says that it's still his home he'd have to leave. Emmett replies, "This dump? You won't look back." Mike tries another tack: if he moves in with David, he might lose touch with the other Boys. Emmett pshaws that, too: "I expect to be invited to fabulous dinner parties at least once a week." Emmett suspects that this is what a "certain someone is going to say, isn't it?" Mike doesn't say anything. Emmett continues, "Well, I say that you deserve to be loved. And don't let any man, queen or Brian take that away from you." That is so not even the issue here.
The back yard of the Taylor Manse. Jennifer's holding forth at Molly's birthday party, helping the little girl blow out the candles on her cake. Molly blows out the candles, and Jennifer smiles, "You're going to get your wish!" And then she gets hers, as Justin walks down into the back yard. Jennifer hugs him, happy that he came, and Justin smiles that he'd never miss Molly's birthday. He asks his mom where Craig is, and is told that his father is hiding upstairs, preparing a lecture on Involved Parenting 101. Molly runs up, gives Justin a hug, and asks, "Whatcha gonna give me?" Nice to see that a sense of entitlement runs in the family. Justin replies, "Permission to live." And then hands her a rolled-up piece of sketch paper, tied with a string. Molly unrolls it, and it's a drawing of her. Yes, Justin gave a little girl a sketch of herself for her birthday. Molly half-heartedly smiles and walks back to her friends. Maybe she was expecting the new Pride March Ken Doll to go with her Fast-Action Blinders Barbie, poor thing. Once Molly has run off, Jennifer asks whether Justin's eating, and then declares that he's staying for dinner. Justin says that it depends on whether Craig wants to see him. Jennifer replies that of course Craig wants to see him: "He's as upset about this as much as you are." Just upset in a different, scorched-earth-must-invade-Poland kind of way. Justin is skeptical, but Jennifer tells him that Craig wants him to come home. Justin says that he wants to come home, too. Jennifer hugs him, again, and is just about to run up and tell her husband the good news when Justin asks, "What about the rules?" Jennifer's face falls as Justin continues, "Not going out, not seeing Brian, not talking about my 'disgusting lifestyle'?" Jennifer futzes, "I don't think he meant it quite that way." Justin and the rest of us ask, "Well, what did he mean?" I, personally, thought he was pretty clear. Jennifer says that Craig just wants everything to be "as it was." Justin says that it can't, because he isn't. Jennifer tells him that she doesn't want him to pretend to be someone he isn't, "but [she] has to consider the needs of the whole family, not just [his] desires." Oh, now she's putting her foot down? Molly calls for Jennifer; she gives Justin one last woeful look before leaving him in the back yard.
The elevator to Brian's penthouse. To no one's surprise, Brian's managed to seduce his personal trainer, and makes out with him as the elevator climbs to the top floor. Oh, my god, the guy's black! Wow, this is some alternate universe I've fallen into. They pull away from each other as the elevator makes it to Brian's floor. Brian pants, "And that was just the warm-up." Trainer Guy's in awe, like he's never been kissed before. Brian -- tracing a finger on Trainer Guy's chest -- continues, "Now we'll do some serious pumping. Focusing on each muscle group, and plenty of reps." Why none of his conquests laugh in Brian's face, I'll never know. Anyway, Trainer Guy's still enthralled as Brian hears his phone beeping like it's off the hook. He can hear this because the door's open, and the door's open because someone broke in and stole everything. The TV. The computer. All of Brian's clothes. Trainer Guy hopefully says, "At least the bed's still here." Riiiiight.
Cut to a pair of policemen taking Brian's statement. One asks, "Have you had any strangers in the house lately? " A montage follows of, like, eight guys, one after the other, walking into the loft, including a pair of twins, one with a t-shirt that says "Catcher," the other which says, "Pitcher." Brian replies to the policeman, "Uh, no, just family and close friends." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Choke. Hee hee hee! Cough, cough, cough. Oh, man.
Cut to Mike, calling Brian, asking if he wants to meet him at Woody's, or if he wants Mike to pick him up. The screen splits to show Brian in the loft and Mike in his apartment. Brian tells Mike that he's been robbed: "Get your ass over here." Ever obedient, Mike runs out of his apartment and into Brian's screen. Justin leans forlornly against the couch, which I gather was too big to steal. Brian sneers at him, "You forgot to set the alarm?" Justin says that he thought he did set it. Brian asks Justin where the hell he went. Justin says he went to Molly's party, and then wandered around for awhile. Brian retorts, "Well, while you were kinda walking around, I was kinda robbed!" Mike tells him to take it easy, and Brian shoots back, "That's all there is left to take!" Justin apologizes, and Brian steams that he has "five minutes to pack [his] stuff, none of which was stolen, and get the fuck out of here!" Brian stomps away as Justin slowly gathers his things under Mike's worried eye.
At Debbie's, Mike tells his folks that Brian got robbed. Vic says that Brian should move to a safer neighborhood, Debbie adding, "Like this one. I leave my door open, and nothing gets taken." Mike snorts, "Not many people are looking for a black velvet matador painting and a TV console from 1968, Ma." Debbie says that they happen to be collector's items. Vic asks whether they know who did it, and Mike says they don't, but that Brian's majorly angry with Justin. Debbie coos, "Poor Sunshine." Vic asks Mike if he's going to stay for breakfast, but Mike has to go to brunch elsewhere. Debbie teases him for being so "fancy." Vic snorts, "It's just like breakfast, except with a slice of kiwi on the side." Don't forget the parsley! Debbie asks, "Are you going with David, my Chiropractor-in-law?" Mike tells her not to start: "thing you'll want to know is if we're moving in together." Debbie's on the scent -- did David ask Mike to move in with him?! Mike says that he did. Debbie's all hugging him, "Oh, Michael, that's wonderful!" No. No, it really isn't. It's like the opposite of that, whatever the opposite is that incorporates a really, really bad idea. Debbie gushes that she's going to give Mike some of her mother's heirlooms, and, I get it, it's the gay version of getting married, but Mike tells her not to get so excited, because he hasn't said yes, yet. Debbie, too, wants to know what the hell there is to think about. Vic, voice of reason, thank the Lord our God, replies, "Plenty. I remember it took Roberto and me six months to decide to live together. And a week to break up." Debbie's not trying to hear that: "Well, how did you know he was still seeing three of his exes?" She covers Mike's ears, adding, "And don't fill the kid's head with horror stories." Vic says that it's not easy for two men to couple up, Debbie snaps that it's not easy for anybody. Word, y'all. Debbie tells Mike that if two people love each other, "you at least owe it to yourselves to try." Ack!
More split-screen action. In one, Melanie and Ted are at Ted's house, as Melanie smiles, "You didn't have to make brunch." In another, Lindsay lifts a bag of bagels and smiles, "I brought brunch!" In a third, an older man turns around, lifting a plate of ham, and playfully intones, "Brunch is served." So, it's Brunch time for Gay Pittsburgh. Got it.
At Brian's place, Lindsay's helping him make a list of all the stuff that got lifted. Lindsay brought the baby. He's the cuuuutest bay-bee. Brian mutters, wiggling Gus's foot, "I'm beginning to suspect gay-on-gay crime." Lindsay snarks, "Well, I'm not surprised. You have more visitors than Disney World." Not as many rides, though, but on the flip side, the lines aren't as long, and the admission's way cheaper. Lindsay can't find a knife for the cream cheese, because that got stolen, too, along with the rest of the cutlery and Brian's state-of-the-art juicer. Lindsay shrugs that at least the thief has good taste.
At Ted's, Melanie's surprised that Ted can cook, and he chuckles, "Yes, someday I'm going to make some man the perfect wife." Melanie snorts that she used to say the same thing, and Ted replies, "But instead, you've made someone the perfect husband."
Mike and David are having brunch with the Oldest Gay Couple in the World. One of them, with short white hair, chuckles at how healthy everyone eats these days; the other, with long white hair, replying, "I suspect that it has less to do with keeping healthy, and more to do with keeping those twenty-nine-inch waists." David says that they both look great. Long Hair winks, "Oh, we try to stay active. If you know what I mean." No. Whaddya mean? Jaysus.
Back at the loft, Lindsay tut-tuts, "I hope they find who's responsible." Brian snorts, "I know who's responsible. That little asshole who forgot to set the alarm." Lindsay raises an eyebrow, saying, "As if you never forgot anything!" And Brian sneers, "Nothing that important."
Brian and Lindsay's screen closes up as Ted and Melanie's opens. Melanie says that she wants Lindsay to be happy: "And that's all I've ever wanted." I just don't have the time to tackle that one. Ted says that it's going to be tough to support all of them on her salary. Melanie says she could take on more cases, or they could cut their expenses. Tough with a new baby. Babies are cute, but costly.
Back with the Oldest Gay Couple in the World, David tells Mike that Short Hair and Long Hair met during WWII. That's really old. They served together in the Navy, on the Yorktown. Thereby disproving that old Marine joke about the Navy, "It's not gay if you can't see land." I used to date a Marine once. "Fun" isn't quite the right word for that relationship. Anyway, Long Hair says, "Talk about a gay cruise -- there was this place behind the ammo bay where you could get a blow job, anytime. Day or night." David roars. Mikey's perplexed. Short Hair adds, "This was wartime. You could die at any moment." Long Hair ends, "And sex was how you knew you were still alive." I don't think that's a diagnostic technique they're ever going to try on ER, though.
That scene slides over for Melanie and Ted. Ted suggests asking Brian for help, and Melanie shakes her head: "I told Lindsay, Brian is not the solution to our problems -- he is the cause." Oh, he is so not. Whatever, Melanie. Ted shrugs and says that there's only one other possibility, and hands her a folder.
Brian and Lindsay. Lindsay asks Brian where Justin went, and Brian says he doesn't know; he told Justin to pack up and get out. Lindsay's shocked.
Melanie and Ted. Ted's handed Melanie a folder that contains papers about her inheritance from her father. Ted says that it's her only choice if Lindsay's going to stay home with the baby. Melanie laughs uneasily and says, "It's just that, that's my nest egg. It's all I have in case something should happen." Ted says it's a tough call, but there's really nothing else she can do.
Mike, David, and the Octogenarians. Short Hair says that they just got back from Bora Bora, where they also went for their fiftieth. Anniversary, that is. Mike whispers, "Holy shit." Short Hair smiles and hugs Long Hair, while Mike and David gaze at each other affectionately.
Later, as the Old Guys clear the table, Mike whispers to David that he can't believe they've been together so long. David says that he wanted Mike to meet them so that he can see it's possible for two men to live together their whole lives: "That's what I'd like for us." Yeah, but these guys knew each other longer than a few weeks, you desperate control freak. Mike ponders David's point, because he's been hanging out with Brian too long to actually have a spine. Long Hair asks if he and David are going to live together, and David replies that Mike hasn't decided, "but, [he's] hoping." Make that "manipulatively desperate control freak." Ugh. Short Hair asks Mike what's stopping him. Mike babbles something about getting seasick. I have no idea what he's talking about. Short Hair replies, "Listen, young man, living together ain't for sissies." Long Hair adds, "Neither is getting old." Short Hair continues, "And no matter what the problems or sacrifices are, it's worth it to have someone to share your life. And you're there to share his." Mike and David look at each other shyly. Mike's. Not. READY! All time issues aside, if Mike's not ready, why get into a situation that he's not ready for? Pants! Has the world gone mad?!
Brian and Lindsay. Lindsay's getting on his case about throwing Justin out. Brian: "I did him a favor and this is how he repays me." St. L. says that Justin didn't mean to do it, but Brian doesn't want to hear it, and tells Lindsay to stop making excuses for him. Lindsay snorts, "Sorry. Must be a force of habit." Oooh. Burn. Lindsay gathers up the baby and gets ready to go. Brian yells that he thought she was going to help him make a list of what was stolen. Lindsay turns back, grabs the pen from his hand, and snaps, "Oh, yeah. There's one valuable item missing that can't be replaced." She scribbles something on the notepad, and walks out. Brian looks down at the page and sees the word "Justin" scrawled on it.
Liberty Diner. Daphne and Justin are having lunch. "You're such a big dramatic queen," Daphne drawls. Justin rolls his eyes: "That's 'drama queen.'" He asks if she has a better idea; she offers to put him up at her place. Justin says that her parents would be thrilled. Daphne asks what he's going to do in New York, and Justin unveils his plan to go to Chelsea and become a model or a go-go boy. He says he could make a hundred bucks a night. Actually, he could make way more than that. I used to live with a go-go dancer in L.A., and that boy made bank. Daphne says that she could come too, and Justin laughs, joking, "That would be great! You and me!" Daphne adds, "Except. I have to be home by eleven." Sigh. It's always something. Justin says that he's going, and that he's already bought a plane ticket. Using Brian's credit card. Daphne reminds him that's a felony, and that he could go to jail if he gets caught. Justin shrugs, "At least then I'd have a place to live." He says that he'll pay Brian back once he gets a job, but he's got to get out of town immediately.
Woody's. Mike's just told The Boys about The Old Guys. Emmett, predictably, wants to know if they still "do it." Mike says that, at their age, "it's not about sex." Brian scoffs, "Yeah, it's about life support." Ted adds that it's possible to have an active sex life at any age, and Brian replies, "Good, that means there's still hope for you." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Move on. Brian turns to Mike and asks, "So, when are you and the Doc going to start massaging each other's prostates?" Ew. Emmett snaps at Brian to back off; Michael's having enough trouble making a decision. Out of nowhere, a voice says, "Then why don't you consult Mysterious Marilyn?"
The Boys turn to see a drag queen in a long brown wig, sitting at the bar. "What'll it be, boys?" she continues. "Palms, tarot, spin around the Ouija? Only twenty bucks." Ted shrugs, walks over, and offers her "ten [bucks] and not a peso more." The drag queen replies, "Mysterious Marilyn senses you're an accountant." Emmett gasps, "Oh, she's good!" and also runs over. Mysterious Marilyn tells Michael -- who she calls "the one with the boyfriend" -- to sit to her at the bar. Putting Mike's hand on the little plastic magnifying glass thingy (I don't know what it's called, ouija boards creep me out ["It's called a planchette." -- Wing Chun]), she asks the board the name of Mike's true love. Mike's eyes go about ten times normal size as the board slowly spells out B...R...I.... Mike pulls his hands up, exclaiming that that's not his boyfriend's name. That wasn't the question, Marilyn points out: "And, frankly, he's a bad bet." Wow, she is good. She says that now they're going to ask about David.
Just as Mike and Marilyn are about to start, Daphne shows up and angrily tells Brian that Justin's run away. Wait a minute -- she was all giggly about it a couple of hours ago. Is this some kind of set-up, or did she just come to her senses? Daphne says that Justin went to New York. Marilyn helpfully adds, to Brian, "With your credit card." Looking over at Marilyn, Daphne does a double take, like, "How did he, she? What the? Anyways..." Brian swears. Marilyn, consulting a tarot card, muses, "He's going to become a go-go boy in Chelsea. And he's going to be very successful." Daphne asks how Marilyn knows, and she sighs, "God writes the scripts, sweetie. I just say the lines." Ha! Daphne shakes her head, and then turns back to Brian and orders, "You better find him and bring him back." Marilyn, not one to mind her own business, says she sees Brian on the Pennsylvania turnpike. Brian snorts, "Yeah, the fuck you do!" Marilyn tells him to be sure to check the air in his tires before he goes. Daphne snaps at Brian, "This is all your fault!" and punches him in the shoulder.
Cut to the punch, but now it's someone else's hand. Brian yelps, and the camera pulls back to show Debbie this time, repeating, "This is all your fault!" Brian asks since when Justin is his responsibility, and Debbie yells, "Since you took him home and fucked him!" As many times as people keep saying it, I'm just not buying it. Sorry. Mike tries to get her to calm down, but Debbie continues, "You've gotten away with a lot -- more than you should -- but not this time." She orders him to go to New York and bring "Sunshine" back: "Otherwise, it's not just his parents and the police you're going to have to answer to, honey. You're going to have to answer to me!" Mike, snappish, asks her why she even cares, and his mother replies, "Because I couldn't live with myself if something happened to that kid. I love him like my son. You're all my sons." Ted drawls, "Thank you, Arthur Miller." Brian starts to laugh, but stops on a sharp look from Debbie. Ted says that New York's a pretty big place: "How are we supposed to find him?" "We"? Emmett replies that Daphne said that he'd be in Chelsea. Actually, Marilyn said that, but I'll let that one pass. Brian says that he's not going. Mike offers to go with him. Ted says that as long as the back seat's empty, he might as well tag along. Emmett agrees to go, too. Okay, but if you all go, there's no room for Justin on the way back. You can't just tie him to the hood of the car. Brian asks why they want to go at all, and Emmett and Ted BS about supporting Brian in his time of need. Brian wants the real reason, and T&E start chanting, "Road trip! Road trip!" Brian rolls his eyes.
Mike and Emmett's. While they're packing, Emmett pulls out a popper, chirping, "Well, since it's going to be a bumpy night, maybe we should do a 'bump' and then stay up all night." Mike tells him to put it away, but Emmett replies, "Don't worry. I've got valium to come down." Mike: "If you're not careful, you're going to get addicted." Emmett: "Please. I've been doing this for years." Well, I guess Emmett just told Mike, didn't he? Uh huh. Mike gives up and changes the subject to what he should pack. Emmett replies, "Just take your little black dress. It works for all occasions." Emmett then tears around, not finding something. Mike asks him what he's looking for, and Emmett sighs, " The Broadway Album. Can't go to the Big Apple without Barbra." Total shout-out to me, because I have that CD, and Back to Broadway, too. And Collection: Greatest Hits...and More Sigh. I am such a middle-aged gay man. There's a knock, and Mike -- probably thinking it's Brian or Ted -- chants "road trip! Road trip!" on his way to the door.
Oops, it's David. David says that he got Mike's message. Mike says that David didn't have to come all the way over, but David pshaws, "Of course I did." And then adds -- tensely, sounding like somebody's father -- "Now, what is this about a trip to New York?" Emmett walks out of his room, holding two different pairs of colored leather pants, and stops cold when he sees David. Emmett's wearing a shirt that has "Perky" written across it in calligraphy. I can't even imagine who comes up with these things. Emmett, sensing David's displeasure, uncomfortably tells him that he should come with: "After spending all night in Brian's jeep, boy, we are all really going to need...ha...adjustments." With nothing more to add, Emmett slinks back to his room. Mike explains that Justin ran away, and that he and The Boys -- in David's words -- "decided to form a search party." David even calls them "The Boys!" Double-shout-out-triple point-score for Camper! David reminds Mike that they were supposed to continue their Committed Gay Couple World Tour with dinner at the Happy Fun House. Mike forgot. David lets him off the hook: "You do what you have to do." But he's clearly disappointed. And manipulative. And desperate. Mike thanks him, and lets him know that he's given serious thought to the whole cohabitation thing. Serious thought about the best way to say, "Hell, no," I hope. David tells him to have fun and wear his seatbelt (thanks, Dad) and they kiss goodbye. Emmett creeps back into the living room and he and Mike share The Look of Mutual "Christ, what the hell are you going to do, Michael?"
Later, in the Jeep, Mike, Ted, and Emmett sing "The Boy from New York City" at the top of their lungs. Brian -- trying to talk on his cell phone and drive at the same time -- tells them to shut the hell up. Too bad; Mike does the falsetto part really well. Mike tells him to stop being such a party pooper, and Brian reminds him that this isn't a party. Emmett replies, "Still, a song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion." Shouldn't sing with your mouth full, though. It's rude. Brian's talking to his credit-card company, checking to see if there have been any more charges. Nice to know Visa wasn't afraid of the product placement. Go, Visa! Brian asks the operator to call him if there are any more charges. Emmett: "All right, let's sing some Barbra." Ted, shaking his head: "Nope, can't do Barbra unless you have the lyrics on the monitor." Meow! Brian threatens to leave them by the side of the road if they start singing "People." Mike, like the King's Jester he is, tells T&E that Brian's not kidding. Emmett replies, "All right, we've already shared all our 'big dick' stories." Ted continues, "Discussed anti-gay legislation." Mike adds, "What we think of Bette's new series." And they've only been in the car less than half an hour. Thirty minutes of a five-hour trip. It's going to be a loooooong night. Brian groans that they've got to be crazy going to New York like this, and Mike replies, "You wouldn't be saying that if we were going after the hottest guy in the world." Huh? Brian snaps, "Yeah, that's because he'd be going after me." Shut up, Brian. Ted once again asks how they plan to find Justin; Emmett correctly replies that Mysterious Marilyn said he'd be in Chelsea. Brian scoffs at Mysterious Marilyn's powers of prognostication. Emmett shrugs, "Sometimes you just have to trust in a higher power and hope everything works out." On cue, one of the Jeep's tires blows.
The Happy Fun House. David sits at the dining-room table, as Melanie walks in with a bottle of wine and calls the trip to New York "an original excuse to cancel at the last minute." That's sure to make David feel better. Lindsay, bringing candles to the table, says it's probably a good idea that Mike went along, "just to make sure that Brian doesn't get distracted." David says that he'll leave, if they want, but Lindsay tells him that just the three of them is fine. Do they even know David that well? I find it hard to believe that Mike willingly set this up. David thanks them, saying, "This is not what I had planned." Melanie drawls, "And we all know who to thank for things not working out as planned." Because, you know, Mike doesn't have his own brain or anything. Perhaps that's why David loves him. Lindsay asks Melanie to check on dinner, trying to get her off the subject. Melanie asks Dr. Dave what type of wine he wants, and then tells Lindsay to use the.... "I know," Lindsay finishes, "the wine goblets your Aunt Esther gave to us." David, marveling at their communication, says that they're amazing. Smiling, they ask in unison, "We are?" David is impressed by how they talk and think together. Lindsay explains, "Well, that's what happens after six years; you --" Melanie finishes, "-- become one." David wistfully says, "I'd like that for Michael and me." Lindsay optimistically tells him that it'll happen, Melanie adding that the two of them "are a perfect fit." Oh, they are so not. And weren't you just telling David a few weeks ago that Mike would never get over Brian? David replies that he's not as sure: "I might have pushed too hard. It might be why he ran away." Oh, ya think? Still, it must be big fun for Michael to go see all these couples day after day, and be reminded of all the things you and he are not. St. L. replies that Mike will be back. Melanie adds, "Let me tell you, after a night with Ted, Emmett, and Brian, you'll be looking damn good." The three clink glasses, as if they really believe that crap.
Meanwhile, by the side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, The Boys gaze in despair at a very flat tire. Emmett, wearing a jacket made out of blue shag rug, intones that Mysterious Marilyn was right. Mike grouses, "So, now what do we do?" like each and every one of them doesn't have a cell phone in their pocket. Emmett says that he can change the tire, and they all laugh at him. But he's serious: "I know that you all just think of me as this Nelly retail queen. But it just so happens that I make it my business to know anything there is to know about lug nuts." Snicker. Ted nods, "Of course." Emmett wrangles Ted into helping him. Brian gestures to Mike to come a little farther away from T&E, and pulls out a joint. "I only have one," Brian tells Mike, "for you and me." After they each take a hit, Brian nods, in his best surfer-dude imitation, "So, here we are: Brian and Mikey's Excellent Adventure." Mike says that it certainly wasn't the way he planned to spend his evening -- he was supposed to have dinner with David at the Happy Fun House. Brian sighs, "Aww, dinner parties! Couples! Christ, Mikey, is this the life I raised you to live? What happened to your sense of fun and your thirst for adventure?" Please. The only thing he gets to do around you is watch. Mike laughs, "I'm here with you, aren't I?" Yeah, Brian, what are you complaining about? That's the life you raised him to live. Brian muses, "Yeah, that's what I'm going to miss the most -- times like this when it's just you and me. But now you have the Doc." Smiling and holding out the joint, Brian smirks, "So, how big is his dick, anyway?" Mike says that he'll never tell. Brian, drawing Mike close, then asks, "So, when he comes, does he run to the shower, or does he still hold you, all wet and sticky?" Mike answers, "He holds me. All wet and sticky." Brian sighs, "I guess he does love you." Mike shrugs, "I don't know. I guess." Brian thanks Mike for coming with him, and Mike says that they've always been there for each other. Brian replies, "You more than me." Mike says that's not true, but Brian says it is: "I know I can be shitty to you, sometimes. I know that. But it's only because I know that you'll always love me, no matter what." Mike nods, "I do." As Emmett finishes changing the tire in the background, Brian smiles, "I do, too. I always will. I don't know how I could have made it without you." He and Mike kiss, like, with tongues and everything.
The Happy Fun House. Brian's Lesbians, dressed only in their underwear, are getting ready to go to bed. Showtime must have picked up some more straight male viewers. Lindsay gushes that David's wonderful, and Melanie agrees, "Michael's damn lucky. Let's just hope he doesn't blow it." Lindsay, pulling down the covers, discovers a card under the sheets. Opening it, she reads, "This card entitles the bearer to one year off, to take care of the world's most beautiful baby." Melanie, pleased, tells Lindsay that she worked it out. Lindsay gives her a big hug, and Melanie takes off her bra. They're just getting it on when the baby cries. Lindsay gets up to check on him, and Melanie flops into bed, thoughtfully gazing at the card.
New. York. City! The screen splits into three again, showing us the wonder that is the city of my birth. The Boys wander through Chelsea, T&E's jaws dragging on the ground. Emmett gasps, "My god, have you ever seen so many cute men in your life?" Ted agrees, "It's like a porn star convention." Eh, they're okay. Maybe they'd look better if they were dancing in a club somewhere. Mike, on the cell with Debbie, snaps at them that they're supposed to be looking for Justin. Emmett says, "Okay, I need a break. Let's hit a homo bar." Ted suggests "The Lure": "Leather, Uniform, Rubber." Em vetoes it: "I have a problem with leather." Which makes no sense, but he was just picking out leather pants to take with him the night before. ["Maybe those were pleather." -- Wing Chun] He explains, "It accentuates my hips." Brian, who's also on his cell phone, ends the call and tells them that Justin's been using the credit card. Brian says that he'll meet them back in Chelsea in an hour, and hails a cab. Ted, Emmett, and Mike look around, lost, until a group of hot men pass by. "It seems to me that we're headed in the wrong direction," Emmett says, twirling around to follow the Hot Non-Dancing Gay Boys. Ted and Mike heartily agree.
In a really nice hotel room, Justin sits in bed, in a bathrobe, eating room service. There's a knock on the door. It's Brian, pissed. Off. Brian pushes past Justin, and takes in the room, including the five other plates of food on a table nearby. Death chair! Death chair! Justin, nervously trying to make conversation, tells Brian, "New York's amazing. I went clubbing last night until six in the morning. And the guys, whoo, the guys are --" Brian angrily asks whether Justin really thought he was going to get away with all this. Justin replies, "I figured someone would probably come and arrest me. But I was hoping that you would find me first." Urrrrgh. Brian tells him to pack up; he's taking Justin back to Pittsburgh. Justin, ably defending his Teen Drama Queen title once more, cries, "Back? To what? My parents don't want me. You don't want me. My life's a fucking mess, Brian!" Brian sighs, "Yeah, well, whose isn't?" Yeah, seriously. Brian says that they'll straighten it all out, starting by finding Justin a place to live. Justin asks why he can't live with Brian. Umm, do we remember what set you on this journey in the first place, Sunshine? Brian replies, "Because my place is only big enough for one person, and that's me." Nice way of putting it. Brian adds, "Now listen up. We're going back to Pittsburgh. You're going back to school. You're going to turn eighteen. And you're going to pay back every cent you charged on my credit card." Justin admits that he didn't go out clubbing, or even leave the room at all the entire night before. Brian doesn't care. Justin, watching Brian carefully, says that he looks like shit: "You should go take a shower." Brian agrees, "I probably should. I must stink." Justin, eyes gleaming, whispers, "Yeah." Brian pauses, and looks Justin, in his virginal white bathrobe, up and down. Justin, untying the robe and letting it fall to the floor, adds, "Sounds like you had a rough night." Oh, please. Another contrived sex scene between Brian and Justin? This kid just stole his credit card and charged what has to be around a thousand dollars on it, and now Brian's going to have sex with him? That'll learn him good. Yes, they're still really hot together. Who cares? This is ridiculous.
Back in Pittsburgh, The Boys plus Justin are gathered around Debbie's kitchen table. Debbie's sporting the anti-Sanrio shirt; hers has a caricature of a little devil, above which is written, "Hello Satan." Debbie says that she's talked to Jennifer, and that Justin's moving in with her and Vic. Mike's upset. Debbie asks why the hell he cares, since he's moving in with David. Mike whines, "It's still my room. It's still got some of my things in it!" Debbie replies, reasonably, "Well, maybe you'd like to move some of your things out. Sunshine's going to need the closet space." Justin and Brian are trying not to laugh. Mike yells at Brian, "This is all your fault! Thanks a fucking lot!" Debbie points out, "Brian finally did something right." Brian kisses her on the cheek, saying that's the sweetest thing she's ever said to him. She tells him to not press his luck. Justin rolls his eyes at Mike, and says, "Don't worry, I promise I'll take care of [your room]." Mike threatens to do unscheduled checks. Debbie shoos Mike and Brian out so that she can "explain the rules of the house to the newest member of our family." Justin winces, "More rules?" Debbie wisely nods her head, and intones, "Starting with -- no bringing tricks home after midnight." Justin frowns in despair.
The morning, at his house, David asks Mike about the trip. Mike says that he didn't really get a chance to see much of the city, and David laughs, "Well, in a way, I'm glad. It gives me a chance to show it to you, myself." Control Freak Alert! David asks, "Can I --" and Mike finishes, "-- get me something to eat?" David tells Mike that he just finished his sentence. Mike shrugs and apologizes. David tells him that it was nice. Mike says that he's been thinking about David's offer, and that, even though he loves David, he's just not ready. David, hurt, says that he understands: "All the excitement, the adventure of taking off with your friends to New York. Being with Brian. All the memories, the history -- I can't compete with that. No, all I have to offer is me. Us. This home." What the hell is he talking about? Mike asks if they could still be boyfriends. David says that they could be: "But I don't want a boyfriend, Michael, I want a partner." Ouch. Michael, holding back tears, nods woefully. He walks out, after turning back for one last look. David, in the living room, fantasizes about walking into the shower and finding Mike. Fantasy Mike apologizes for waking him, and invites him to come on in. Fantasy David wraps his arms around Fantasy Mike and asks, "So, what are we going to do on this beautiful Sunday morning?" Fantasy Mike answers, "Well, I thought we'd make some breakfast, get the paper, and spend the rest of the day in bed." Cut back to Real David, who murmurs painfully, "Just what I had in mind."
week on Queer as Folk: At the diner, Debbie asks The Boys where David is, and Brian replies, "That ship has run its course, let it go." Debbie later yells at Brian for ruining Mike's life, and tells him that he owes Mike. Brian first asks what she wants him to do, and then offers to throw Mike a surprise party for his thirtieth birthday. Melanie tells Ted that she feels like Lindsay's shutting her out, and Ted snaps, "Look, I don't want to hear this. The minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the end." Too true. David shows up at the party, and since Brian's smirking, I figure he had something to do with it. See you week.