Neat! It's time for "Queer as Folk: A Fireside Chat with Mandy Patinkin." I Heart Mandy Patinkin, ever since he was Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride. He was the original "Che" in Evita, too. Yay, Mandy! In an endearingly calm "No reason to panic, here -- they're just gay" voice, he recaps the last episode: Brian's potential client wanted to have sex with him, but ultimately didn't get any, Mike was asked out by his chiropractor and then acted like a big old dork; Justin's mother took him to a psychiatrist, and then spent the rest of the episode trying to catch up with him; Ted and Emmett rocked; and there wasn't enough Daphne.
A comic book shop. The camera zooms from one group of geek boys to another as Mike voice-overs, "There's a lot of things that a gay boy can learn from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so it's a good idea to develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a nice body, you can wear tight clothes. And three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo." Uh-huh. Clock reads 10:05, and I've got a good wince going; must be time for Queer as Folk. Mike's complaining to Brian about how badly his date with Dr. Dave went. Brian replies, "Don't worry, there will always be plenty of creepy old men trying to get into your pants." And if you're looking, Brian's got the number of at least one. And so does Justin. The guy working at the store throws Brian The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement. Brian catches it. Comic Clerk Boy, sporting a blue baseball cap, walks over and hands Mike the new Catwoman comic book, looking at Brian the whole time. Brian's looking good, even for Brian. Buttery leather jacket over all black, yummmmm. Mike scowls at Comic Clerk Boy, who casually strolls away. Mike continues to blabber that Dr. Dave took him to a really nice restaurant, and Mike acted like an idiot, "dressed like some slick asshole." What's really funny is that those were Brian's clothes he was wearing. Brian doesn't think it's so funny. Mike clarifies the point -- that he wasn't himself: "You know why? Because I'm nobody. That's my problem." The world's smallest violin plays on. Brian can't hear it, because he's still checking out Comic Clerk Boy. Mike calls him on it, and Brian replies, "I tune out self-pity. It makes my dick soft." Mine, too -- seriously. Um...you know what I mean. Comic Clerk Boy coughs to get Michael's attention. He's got the new Electra Woman doll, too. Mike's jazzed, and says he's going to get it for Gus. Brian smirks, "Don't. I don't want a gay kid." Right. Mike replies, "He's going to be raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence." Well, can't Emmett just visit more? Lindsay and Melanie like him. Brian says that he'll take the doll to the Happy Fun House, since he's going over there anyway. He's brave. Mike wants to go, too, but Brian tells him to go over to David's office and ask for another chance. Heeding his master's voice, Mike leaves Comic Clerk Boy and Brian grinning lecherously at each other.
Liberty Avenue, daytime. Justin and Daphne troll a street market. Looking at bracelets, Daphne asks Justin if his Mom knows he's out buying jewelry. This is supposed to shock her? Not specifically, no, but Justin says that she's cool with everything: "Or maybe she's afraid I'm going to run away and become a hairdresser." Probably wouldn't have to leave the city for that, but hey, what makes you happy makes me happy. Daphne: "I hate you. My mom's such a bitch, and I haven't even given her a reason, yet." You mean, besides lying continuously to Justin's mother about his being at your place, staying out all hours with Justin a couple of episodes back, and driving the family car willy-nilly to do Justin's bidding? You're right, what the hell is her damage? Justin holds out a couple of bracelets for Daphne to inspect, and she shakes her pretty head and frowns, "They're totally queer." I smack my head in frustration as Justin tells her to shut up: "They're a symbol of our friendship." He forces one onto her wrist; she half-heartedly thanks him, and he tells her that she's going to have to pay for them because he doesn't have any cash. While Daphne's hauling out her wallet -- she should have at least insisted on nicer bracelets first -- Justin spots Melanie and Lindsay across the street. He points them out to Daphne, saying, "Look, that's them! Brian's Lesbians!" Hahahahahahaahahah! I am SOOO calling them that from now on! Justin runs across the street to say hi. He has to remind them that he was at the hospital when Gus was born, and, in fact, was the one who named him. Melanie replies, "Oh, right. So, when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank." Not that she's still bitter or anything. Justin comments that the baby's so big already, and Melanie says that Justin would be too, if all he did was sleep and eat all day. Daphne snorts, "He does." Justin ignores the catty comment, and offers to babysit if Brian's Lesbians ever need anyone. Out of the goodness of his heart, of course. Brian's Lesbians are delighted. Then he offers to help them carry stuff to the car. "Wow," Melanie replies, "You're good for a thousand and one uses." Yeah, as long as they all lead him back to Brian. Justin follows Brian's Lesbians to the car, leaving Daphne calling after him in the middle of the street, wearing an ugly bracelet she had to pay for. Justin barely even says goodbye to her. Daphne, I bet if you ask nicely, your Mom might even forbid you to ever see him again. It's certainly worth a shot.
Emmett and Ted at Torso. At least, I think it's Torso. Emmett's pulling clothes out of a box, so it could be a thrift shop, or something. So, Emmett and Ted at an undefined store. Ted: "I'm out." Emmett: "At work? Fabulous." Ted meant he's out of "the scene": "I made up my mind -- no more bars, no more baths, you'll never see my face at Babylon again." Emmett pshaws him, "You can't let one drug-induced coma get you down." Now that's what I call optimism. Emmett holds up a t-shirt, and asks Ted what he thinks. All I can see, since Emmett's sitting on the floor, is the top of the shirt, which has "BOYSBOYSBOYS" printed across it. Ted tells him it looks unbelievably trashy. SOLD! Ted, being all philosophical again, snaps, "Everything we do, including what we wear, is in a conscious -- or, worse yet, unconscious -- attempt to get laid." And your point is? Emmett agrees that "there is an overemphasis on sex. But why not just buy two sizes too small and go with it?" Exactly. That works for girls as well as boys by the way. It's in the GM/SGWC Charter. Ted retorts that not everyone was born to wear lycra, which is sad but true, but since tight tops emphasize whatever it is you've got, I'm still with Emmett. Emmett hands him the classifieds section, conveniently to them, and tells Ted to look at the personals: "Maybe you'll find someone to not go out with." Can't he just do that if he stays at home? Ted's attention is caught by the following ad: "Date Bait: Meet other single gay men in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection." Ted says that they have an over-thirty night, and Emmett snorts, "Where, the morgue?" Frown. Ted says just for that, Emmett's going with him. Emmett snipes that he is not over thirty. Should have kept your mouth shut, then.
Dr. Dave's Office. Dr. Dave enters and sees Mikey looking at all the stuff on the mantle. Dr. Dave doesn't look too happy to see him, but asks him what the problem is, anyway. Mike says, "I'm a jerk." Go with that, Mike. Admitting there's a problem is the first step in curing it. Dr. Dave replies that Mike wasn't an asshole, and Mike says, "Believe me, I've seen a lot of assholes, and -- uh, you know what I mean." Mike asks for another chance, and since he's all cute and puppy-like, and way less lame than usual, I'm going to root for him. Dr. Dave makes him sit down on the chair, and makes like he's about to crack Mike's neck, but instead leans down and says, "You really are adorable, you know that?" Chris Potter is so not gay.
The Happy Fun House. Melanie opens the door, and is greeted by The Electra Woman doll, held like a white flag by a disembodied hand, and Brian's voice saying, "I got something for Gus." Smart guy -- whatever happens, the doll will get it first. Seems to work, because Melanie chuckles and says, "That's so sweet. I'll be sure to call Michael later and thank him." Brian follows Melanie into the living room, and there's Justin, sketching Lindsay breastfeeding the baby. Brian smirks when he sees Justin and asks His Lesbians what the kid is doing there. Melanie snaps that they ran into Justin on the street, like Brian abandoned him there, or something. Justin plays it off like, what a cool coincidence, huh? Yeah, right. Melanie picks up the baby and walks towards Brian with him. With a smile, Brian reaches for Gus, but Melanie just brushes past him. Ugh, Melanie. Lindsay's looking over some of Justin's drawings, gushing over how good they are, and they're okay, but they're really not that great. I mean, compared to me and the happy faces I manage to wobble out, sure, but Justin's not da Vinci or anything. Plus, she's looking at loose pictures; when did Justin find the time to go get his portfolio? Melanie expositions (yes, that's a verb in my world) that Lindsay is an art teacher, so she knows what she's talking about. Still not impressed with the sketches, sorry. Lindsay tells Justin that he has "an amazing feel for the human form," and I brace myself as Brian counters, "Yes, I've noticed that myself." I wonder if the same writers for the 007 movies are moonlighting on Queer as Folk until Pierce Brosnan's ready to be James Bond again? That would explain a lot. St. L. pulls out one sketch in particular, and shrieks with delight as she shows it to Brian. Justin's all embarrassed, but secretly pleased, because that's an extra-special picture. Of Brian. Naked in Bed. And Justin was quite generous, if you know what I mean. Melanie cracks me up by peering down at the paper, raising an eyebrow, and exclaiming, "Ah. Circumcised. Just like I thought." My guess, too. Brian asks Justin when he drew that. Hello, Bright Boy; Justin did stay over a couple of times. Justin smugly confirms that it was while Brian was asleep. That's a little creepy, kid. Lindsay says that Justin should enter his drawings in an art exhibit that's going on at the Gay and Lesbian Center Downtown. Brian scoffs that the GLC is just "a safe haven for fags that can't get laid." Prompting Melanie to tell Justin, "You know, it might be good to get out and meet some young men for a change." Brian and Melanie exchange The Look of Mutual Hatred. Lindsay glosses over it, explaining that the event is a fundraiser for the Center, and she and Brian's other Lesbian are on the Board. Justin thinks it's a cool idea, and so does Brian, who throws a teddy bear at Justin and sneers, "Give him some other activities, so he'll stop stalking me." Justin throws the teddy bear back at him, and tells Brian not to flatter himself. Riiiiight. Brian's Lesbians giggle, because they don't realize Brian's serious. Serious, and now grumpy. Melanie grins, "We like Justin. Justin can stay." Giving into his ee-vil little plan, I see. Well, whatever makes Brian unhappy, I guess. Lindsay tells Brian he's coming to the exhibit, too, whether he likes it or not. What a good idea. Justin's obsessed with Brian, so the best thing to do is to give him more time to spend with Brian. Not. Brian mouths the word "bitch" at her. Yup. Aren't you glad you dropped by?
Ted and Emmett at "Date Bait," a.k.a. The Ugly Gay Man Society. Here's the deal: Everyone gets a number, and one by one, they stand up and say a little something about themselves. If you like the man talking, then you write down his number. If he wrote down your number, too, then you two have to go out. There's some jawing about a computer program that makes it all anonymous. So here goes: A guy that looks like a slightly younger version of Ted stands up, introduces himself, and says that he only came out a year ago. No, I can't see a wedding ring tan from here. The man is a big, burly type -- I believe the term is "Bear" -- in a black t-shirt and leather jacket, who decides that the two things he wants to tell us are that he likes Ben and Jerry Hubby Chubby Ice Cream (and there's the eye roll) and his favorite TV show is Frasier. I get that, by the way. I guess that reference could pass for subtlety in Queer As Folk Land. The third guy -- balding, not too fit, but certainly not fat or anything -- teaches piano and voice lessons at Carnegie Mellon University. When it's Emmett's turn, he tells everyone that Ted made him come. Okay, and you know that shirt he bought that says "BoysBoysBoys" across the top? Right underneath it is a drawing of a man's chest, like one of those really large t-shirts they sell at the beach that make you look you're wearing a bikini? Yeah, definitely time to chip in and get Emmett a personal stylist. Cut back to The New Guy, who says that he's "looking for a nice guy, who likes Chihuahuas. I have three!" and pulls out pictures. Sigh. The Bear writes down New Guy's number. Apparently, someone thinks I have an infinite amount of patience. Cut back to Emmett, who adds, "My boyfriend would kill me if he knew I was here." Okay, Emmett, they get it. Cut back to the Bear, who continues, "And I have a Speedo fetish -- especially red and teal." Oh, man. Emmett and Ted exchange The Look of Mutual Horror. Yikes. Ted stands and tells his tale, "The Ballad of the Coma." You remember: Ted goes to Babylon. Ted meets "cute boy" Blake. Blake has drugs. Ted takes drugs. Ted ends up in a coma. Ted's number falls off his chest while he's telling this, because he's just not pathetic enough. Although really, he is. No, really. Cut to Music Guy saying that he would love to have someone to come home to after rehearsals. Cut back to Ted, who finishes, "I'm looking for a relationship with someone based on something real, and I thought there might be someone here who's looking for the same thing." Aww. Music Guy looks like he's going to cry. After everyone's done, Emmett sighs, "Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink." "A drop"? You're going to need at least a full bottle to try and tolerate this crowd, believe me. He adds, "I can honestly say I have no desire to sleep with any of these people." Ted replies, "Me neither. It's a start."
Mike's place. Dr. Dave's looking at all the comic book paraphernalia in Mike's room -- more than he's ever seen, he says. Mike chuckles, "That's what everyone I bring home says -- I mean, people have told me that." Dr. Dave smiles at him indulgently, like a proud papa. Dave points to the large cardboard cutout on Mike's wall, and asks who that is. Mike's like, duh, it's Captain Astro! Dr. Dave doesn't smack him around, but continues to smile indulgently. As they step back into the kitchen, Mike apologizes for Emmett, even though he's not there, and refers to Emmett as a "squatter," even though he's been staying with him for two years. I wonder whether Emmett apologizes for Mike when he brings people over? I would. Dr. Dave tells Mike that he doesn't have to apologize for everything. So, of course, Mike apologizes for apologizing. Mike offers Dave something to drink, but as a faint techno beat commences, it would appear that the good doctor's not thirsty for anything in the fridge. And now I've got two straight guys making out in the kitchen. That's just great. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I haven't been this embarrassed for two people since the Starr Report.
Speaking of awkward couples, Ted and the Music Guy matched up. They're having lunch at some restaurant, being waited on by a (hint, hint) Obviously Gay Young Man. An Obviously Gay Young Man whose crotch is right in Ted's view. It's a nice enough crotch. Can't blame Ted for staring. Music Guy orders a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a soda. Ted orders a grilled tuna sandwich and a glass of water while staring at the waiter's crotch. Music Guy tells him to "live a little! I can tell you've been denying yourself for way too long." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ted thinks about it, and then changes his order to what Music Guy's having. They both watch the waiter saunter away. Looks good coming and going, naturally, prompting this particular gem of dialogue:
Music Guy: He has a nice smile.
Ted: Among other attributes.
Music Guy: I'm sure he's a nice person.
Ted: Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.
Just think -- good money being wasted on writers that could be spent feeding starving children in Africa. Unbelievable. Anyway, Ted and Music Guy laugh about lines they'd ordinarily be thinking up to use on the waiter when he returns -- horrible, horrible lines like, "Have we met somewhere before? No? It must have been in a dream." Or, "So, when did they start hiring models here?" I feel dirty even repeating those to you. They both express relief to be out of THAT game! Whew! Music Guy confesses that he didn't go to Date Bait to "Drum up an audience for our five hundredth Sondheim concert." Shout-out City, because I love Sondheim. Hey, wait! Mandy Patinkin stared in a couple of Sondheim's musicals in the '70s and '80. The search for a pattern continues. MG adds that he was hoping to find someone to connect with. Ted adds, "Someone appropriate." "Appropriate" being another word for "in my league." Ted says that they should get to know each other and take it from there. Music Guy agrees that they should "take it slow. I always preferred 'Presto' to 'Andante' anyway." ["Except 'presto' is fast and 'andante' is slow, so whatever." -- Wing Chun] Ted laughs knowingly. Ah, music! The great uniter. The waiter returns, and -- crotch still at eye level -- gives Ted and MG their drinks, saying, apropos of nothing he's aware of, "These will help cool you down." You know, sighing heavily really does relieve strain on one's eye muscles. Just a tip.
The Gym. The Boys work out, Mikey prattling on about how cool Dr. SoNotGay is. Dave spent twenty-seven minutes on Mike's nipples alone. I'm not sure whether I should be impressed or scared. That seems like a lot of time. Mike continues, "I figured he'd know what to do with his hands, since that's his business, but he has the most talented tongue. I mean, every time I came --" To which the Boys chorus, "Every time?" Poor men that can't have multiple orgasms. Sucks to be you. So to speak. Mike continues, "-- he didn't stop. He just kept licking me everywhere." Sounds a lot sexier than it looked in the kitchen, probably because I can imagine two gay men doing it instead. Emmett tangents, "I once knew a guy that could tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me." There is nothing I can say about that that wouldn't be self-incriminating. Let's move on. Ted asks how that twenty-seven-minute thing broke down per nipple. Mike answers, "Sixteen left, eleven right." All at once? Half-way through the left nipple, I'd be reaching for a book, and I'm not exactly sure what that says, except that I get bored really easily. Brian snickers, "that's probably how long it takes him to get it up." Mike snaps, "I wouldn't know. I never saw it when it was down." Everyone's scoring off Brian, it seems. Brian sneers that it's just "another Viagra success story." I'll bet you he wouldn't stand for that whole nipple thing, either. Emmett asks Mike if he's bringing Doc to Woody's tonight, but Mike doesn't think he's into that type of thing. Brian asks what he is into then, and Mike replies, "I don't know. His life?" Ted says that he sounds like the guy he met. Ted describes Music Guy, whose name is Roger, using the words "nice," "intelligent," and "interesting," because it's not polite to say, "He's a dog." Brian asks whether Roger is a top or a bottom, because that's all that matters. Ted gets huffy; he and Roger have decided to get to know each other before they have sex. Brian: "What do you think you are, lesbians?" Brian, Brian, Brian. SIT ON IT. Emmett gets excited, because this is just like that Streisand movie, The Mirror has Two Faces. I'm going to transcribe this whole thing, because Emmett's so adorable: "Because Barbra plays an unattractive professor -- [to Ted] no offense -- who marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But of course Barbra gets horny, because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat, so she hops on a Stairmaster for two minutes, eats a carrot, and then poof! She's gorgeous. So then she comes in dressed like the hooker in Nuts, and of course, Jeff's willing to fuck her, and then, um... [getting teary] they dance in the street." Ted drawls that he can't believe she wasn't nominated for an Oscar. I can't believe it took all this time for them to make a Barbra Streisand reference. And can I get props for knowing how to spell her first name right? Thank you. FYI, two of Barbra's most popular albums also featured music by Stephen Sondheim. There's just stuff I know. Brian's had enough of all this non-Brian talk. Leaving, he tells Ted, "You do it right away, or you don't do it at all." To Mike, "I'm happy for you, Mikey." Ted, watching Brian walk away, "The fuck he is." Word.
Justin's house, Jennifer calls upstairs to Justin as Daphe follows her into the living room. Justin's little sister Molly is sprawled out on the couch, tiny sneakers defiantly kicking one of the arms. Instead of telling her to get her feet off the upholstery, Jennifer just takes the shoes off Molly's feet, instead. Man, they get away with murder at that house. Daphne tells Mrs. Taylor that Justin is lucky to have such an understanding Mom: "It must be hard. I mean, in my family, I'm black, my parents are black, we're all...black, you know?" I think she's trying to be discreet for the sake of the child. Jennifer tolerantly replies, "I think so." Daphne asks Jennifer if she's seen the flyer for the art show. Art show? What art show? Daphne hands her a copy of the flyer and Jennifer exclaims, "Gay and Lesbian Center? When did this happen? So much for discretion. Daphne's surprised that she didn't hear, but asks her not to say anything to Justin, because he might stop telling Daphne things. Teenage logic. Gotta love it. Justin finally stalks down the stairs, grabs his back pack, and snaps to him mom that he doesn't know when he'll be back. Jennifer tries to stop him for a minute, but he just slams the door and doesn't look back. Somwhere in Capeside, Dawson Leery turns green with envy.
At the GLC, Daphne and Justin frame Justin's sketches, while a Young Lesbian hangs her own paintings nearby. Daphne admires the Young Lesbian's work; the Young Lesbian admires their bracelets. See, I'm not Justin's only critic. Daphne nervously tells her that the bracelets are "just for friendship. He's not my boyfriend, or anything." The Young Lesbian figured as much. Justin's shocked that she can tell he's gay. The Young Lesbian replies, "Well, you're here, aren't you?" plus, Dear God, the girl has eyes, doesn't she?! The Young Lesbian asks Daphne if she wants to go get a soda with her, and Daphne agrees. Justin pulls Daphne aside and points out that the Young Lesbian thinks that Daphne is also a Young Lesbian. Daphne shrugs, "Can't I be one of the cool people, too?" Justin sighs back, "You're a freak." Daphne giggles adorably in self-amusement, and scampers off.
Lindsay walks up and once again admires Justin's work. It's like they have to keep on telling us it's good, so that we'll believe it, too. ["Remember when everyone would always do that to Donna on , too? You know, 'Donna's so smart/beautiful/talented/whatever. I never bought it." -- Wing Chun] I just keep looking at the Rockwell print I have on my wall. Thanks, but no thanks. Lindsay offers to give him a recommendation if he ever wants to go to art school. We're going to hear how talented Justin is about ten more times, so buckle up. Justin asks Lindsay if he thinks Brian will show up for the show. Lindsay tells him not to expect too much from Brian. "What's too much?" Justin asks. St. L. smiles sweetly and replies, "Anything at all." At Justin's fallen face, she continues, "You'll have lots of interesting relationships, Justin, with lots of other interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but it's true." Justin claims that he just wants Brian to see his picture framed. Of course you do. And maybe he'll be so excited by it, he'll take you home and have sex with you again. Here's hoping!
Later, on Liberty Avenue, Mike and Dr. Dave walk to Woody's. Mike asks Dave if he's sure he wants to do this. Dr. SoNotGay says sure: "It'll give me a look at your world. See what I'm saving you from." Little does he know.
Once they're inside, Dave says that it's just like he remembered: "Even the guys are the same." I've started noticing that phenomenon at all the bars I go to, too, and it's very sad. Mike asks David why he stopped going out; Dave says that he got tired of it, and besides, he met someone. Long story short, they were together six years until Dave's lover died of unexplained causes. Emmett startles them out of this sad moment by literally jumping between the two of them, arms held high like a gymnast. Dave is startled, but amused. Emmett's wearing a leopard-print shirt and black jeans. This is the dimmest I've ever seen him, but he looks great. Mike asks where Ted is, and is told that he's "hanging out with the Pillsbury Doughboy." Oh, please. Not unless Ted and Roger are hanging out with the crew from Cage & Fish tonight. Emmett introduces himself to Dr. Dave, and then tries to get a free adjustment from him. Not happening. Emmett shrugs it off as "worth a shot," and then bounces off to go hit on a Matthew McConaughey lookalike on the other side of the bar. Yeah, better get to him before Brian shows up. Dr. Dave laughs that "he certainly doesn't hold anything back." Mike says that Emmett was toning it down. Maybe that explains the shirt. Mike and Dave find an empty booth and sit.
Brian appears, wearing a blood-red shirt. Because he's The Devil. He sees the new couple and promptly plops into Mike's lap, demanding to know where he's been. Mike sheepishly introduces Brian to Dave, and Brian replies, "Fuck me. The new beau!" Like he didn't notice him sitting there. Dr. Dave, uncomfortably, tells Brian that he's heard a lot about him. Brian says he's heard a lot about Dr. Dave, too: "What was it? Sixteen right, eleven left?" Cringe. Mike asks Brian if he's on something, and it happens to be GHB, the same drug that put Ted in a coma. Wheee! Mike tells Brian that he's going to get dehydrated, and gets up to get Brian some water and Dr. Dave a beer. Brian sits down in the booth across from Dr. Dave. Let the Games Beginnnnn! Dr. Dave: "You've got him well-trained." Brian: "He takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you fuck all of your patients?" Dr. Dave: "Well, if you're referring to Michael, I released him from my care. Before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?" Brian: "Advertising." Dr. Dave: "Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself." Brian: "Yeah, I can do it in my sleep." Which might explain why he doesn't remember anyone's name when he wakes up. Brian tells Dr. Dave that he and Mike usually meet men together. Dr. Dave replies, "And they usually end up with you." Brian: "The lucky ones." Dr. Dave: "Debatable." Bastard stole my line. Damn. Look on Brian's face was worth it, though. Mike returns at that moment, asking what he missed. Brian just takes his beer and stalks away.
Ted's place. He and Roger are playing "Name that Aria." They are both delighted by the other's knowledge of opera. Ted confides, hand on Roger's arm, that as a kid, he used to pretend to be sick so he could skip little league and listen to the radio broadcasts from the Met Opera. Roger says he used to do the exact same thing. They share a moment, and then Roger kisses Ted's hand, asking if it's allowed. Ted says yes, but he's not quite "ready"yet. But he will be soon: "I have a feeling that it's going to be great." He and Roger toast to their future sexual coupling.
Mike and Dave walk out of Woody's. Mike thinks Dave had a horrible time; Dave says that it's fun to go out every once in a while, but what's the attraction? He's standing in front of a big picture of a guy's well-toned, naked chest when he says it, so, you know, HELLO. Mike laughs, "Are you calling me a scene queen?" Dave lovingly puts him in a chokehold. Mike replies that if you don't go out, you don't meet people, Dave notwithstanding. Plus, he likes hanging out with his friends, which is an opening for Dave to drop the bomb on Mike: Brian tried to hit on him. He did? I thought Brian was just being a bitch. Mike is also skeptical, but SoNotGay says he knows when he's being hit on. Mike replies that Brian's "always like that. Besides, he was high." Dave's just sayin'. Mike says Brian woudn't, Dave says he did. Mike grabs Dave and says, "Well, he can't have you. You're mine." And now we've got two straight guys kissing in the middle of the street. Lord help me. As they break away, Dave shakes his head and whistles, "Whoo!" and strides away. Okay, that was pretty funny.
I couldn't stop laughing through this whole scene. Lindsay and Gus are at Brian's, watching him -- with a terrible case of bed-head and a hangover to match -- haphazardly pour cereal into two bowls. Lindsay looks like she's about to crack up, too. Brian tells her that he's not going to the art show. Lindsay says that she promised Justin that Brian would be there. Brian tells her to stop making promises that he can't keep. Yeah, seriously, knock it off. Lindsay frowns, "Don't be a shit!" She's just trying to clean up the mess Brian left behind. Like I said, good intentions, bad execution. Brian points out that Justin is the one chasing him, not the other way around. Lindsay: "Tell it to the Judge." Judge can't do anything, Justin's legal. I'm still trying to accept it, myself. Brian says she's starting to sound like his other lesbian. St. L. tries another tactic: It's time for Brian to become part of the gay community. Good thing he wasn't eating when she said that. Just 'cause he's gay, he sneers, doesn't mean he's part of any "community." Brian's a rock, people. Brian's an island. Lindsay says that they all need to take care of each other. Brian's answer to that is pretty standard, too. He grabs a pot of coffee, pours a whole bowl of sugar into it, and drinks it straight from the pot. "Fuck groups!" he exclaims, walking to the window. Lindsay and I thought he did. Brian replies, "Occasionally. But it's by invitation only."
The exhibition. Roger plays piano in the middle of the room. Daphne, wearing a hot pink sweater over a blue shirt, a hot pink terry-cloth skirt, blue socks, black flats, and a cute hot pink head scarf -- I think I had that same outfit back in 1987 -- finds Justin and tells him that his pictures are on sale for a hundred dollars apiece. Unfortunately, the money's going to charity. Oh, well. Justin's looking over Daphne's shoulder the whole time they're talking, until Daphne tells him to knock it off, she knows he's looking for Brian.
Ted and Emmett lean on the piano as Roger plays. Ted remarks that Roger plays beautifully; Emmett is less than thrilled. Ted's dressed like a normal human being. Emmett, on the other hand, is wearing a tight beige v-neck sweater over an oversized white button-down shirt, tight brown stripy slacks, and a black scarf with big brown dots on it. It sounds all right, but it just looks BAD. Emmett asks Ted if he and Roger have had sex yet. No, they haven't, but they will, when it feels like it's the right thing to do. Emmett: "Sex is never the right thing to do! Feeding the poor is the right thing to do. Hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do! Donating blood is the right thing to do." Okay, okay, Ted gets the point.
Brian's Lesbians have found Justin and Daphne. Lindsay tells him that everyone loves his pictures (see, I told you Justin's art would be this episode's hammer), while Melanie points out some cute guys in the corner. I'd feel better about Melanie if I knew she was helping Justin more than she was trying to screw over Brian, but at least she's doing something positive. Justin's not trying to hear any of it. And then Brian walks in, in full slo-mo. Looks jaw-dropping good, in all black. Gale Harold's hot, and I still hate him for it. Justin's all wiggly, "He's here!" Melanie rolls her eyes, "Oh, goody." See what I mean? Lindsay walks over to Brian and gives him a hug, thanking him for coming. "Whatever," Brian drawls, looking around to see who else will pay him some attention. He spots Dave and Mike and snarks to Lindsay, "Where's the back room?" stomping off before Mike and Dr. SoNotGay approach. Mike looks disturbed by this, but introduces the Dave to Lindsay. Debbie, holding Gus, waves to Michael. Okay, she wins: she's wearing orange-red leggings -- oh, man -- and a purple sequined top with a silver butterfly pattern. Mike ignores his mom and quickly directs Dr. Dave over to the vagina sculptures.
Brian finds Justin, who pretends that he hasn't been tracking Brian around the gallery. Brian calls him "the famous artiste." Because the mallet missed a spot. Justin, practically bouncing up and down with excitement, asks him if he's seen the sketches, and points them out: "Over there. Just in case you're interested." "Over there" is right past Mike and Dave. Dave leaves Mike to go get a drink; Brian brushes off Justin to go talk to Mike. Mike's snickering at Brian's picture, "I think the artist has taken some liberties." Brian says it looks just like him. Mike says "it" was never that long. Brian says that Mike hasn't seen it in awhile, and Mike snorts, "I haven't seen Gone With the Wind in a long time, either, but I know it's still three and a half hours." Couldn't have said it better myself. Nice try, Brian.
Melanie and Dave watch Mike and Brian from the buffet table. Melanie snorts, "Brian and Michael, blah, blah, blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns." Like a perfect stranger really cares. Dave is bemused, and asks, "Was he always like that, Michael running after him?" Melanie, warming to her subject: "It's the greatest love story never told, trust me...long after you're gone, Brian will still have Michael, his little acolyte, poor guy. But don't worry, Michael can wait forever; Brian will never fuck him. Pardon my French." SoNotGay's having a hard time swallowing. His drink, I mean.
Across from them, Michael accuses Brian of hitting on David. Brian tries to blame the drugs, then says that he was just testing Dave, to see if he would drop Mike if given the opportunity. Thoughtful. Mike says that Brian's jealous because someone finally thinks that Mike's hot and Brian isn't; Brian replies that Mike is hot, and he's been trying to tell him that since they were kids. And then he kisses Mike, full on the lips, ten feet away from Dave. Dave pouts to Melanie, "So I guess I just keep [Michael] company while [he] waits." Melanie chokes on her water. She thought David was with Brian! It was okay to be rude to a complete stranger if it meant screwing over Brian! Dave tells her not to worry about it. Melanie backpedals that Brian and Michael are just friends. Yeah, right. Dave's still looking sour: "Really. It's not like I didn't know." As compensation, Melanie offers him a shrimp ball. Snerk. Melanie slinks away, stopping once to turn around and mouth the word "Fuck," behind Dave's back. Nice job. Across the room, Brian smirks at Dr. SoNotGay, while Michael stands by, dumb and happy.
Emmett finds Debbie looking at a painting at the top of the stairwell, of men in leather jockstraps, standing in a circle-jerk. Debbie says that she's always admired creative people, and Emmett replies, gesturing to her outfit, that she's pretty creative herself. I guess that's one word for it. Debbie says she's not creative, but Michael has a gift: "When it comes to taking care of people -- knowing what you need even before you do -- he's a fucking Picasso." Awww. Emmett kisses her on the cheek, she's so sweet. They go back into the gallery.
And Mrs. Jennifer Taylor enters the building. The Circle-Jerk is the first painting she sees, and it nearly sends her tumbling back down the stairs. But she rallies, and enters the gallery.
Ted and Roger take a look at the Faux-Mapplethorpe picture of mostly naked men, artistic and artfully posed. They say things like, "The photographer has a great eye," "Strong composition," and the like, because they can't handle how horny they're getting.
Meanwhile, Justin is trying to throw his mother bodily out of the gallery. Grow up. Jenny's not going anywhere. She says that she's kept her side of the bargain, and she just wants to see his work. She promises to not embarrass him, and her first opportunity is striding up, as Brian's Lesbians approach, Lindsay holding the baby. They introduce themselves, and Lindsay tells Jennifer that Justin is very talented (we know), and she should be proud of him. Jennifer says that she is proud of him, and Justin grins, pleased despite himself. Jennifer says that Gus is a beautiful baby, and Melanie tells her that Justin is the one who named him. "Really?" Jennifer says, "That was his teddy bear's name." Teenage Mortification, eleven o'clock. Brian's Lesbians think it's sweet, but Justin's about to melt to the floor and die. Oops. Jenny tries to recover by asking Lindsay if she's Gus's mother. Melanie frowns into her wine glass. Ouch. Lindsay replies that she is Gus's mother, but she and Melanie are raising him together. Melanie smiles and wraps her arms around Lindsay and the baby. Jennifer stammers, "Well, that's wonderful. I've never met lesbian mothers before! I mean, I read about you...uh, them, in the papers all the time." Hey, it's a start. Melanie laughs, nicely, and replies, "Seems like there's always some judge in Alabama trying to take our kids away." Lindsay smiles, "That's why I married a lawyer." I guess there's a deficit of lesbian lawyers in Pittsburgh. Lindsay encourages Jennifer to go and see Justin's work, and Justin, resigned, points her in the right direction. Melanie nicely pats Justin on the shoulder: "She came. That's huge."
Ted and Roger are standing in front a black-and-white photograph of a man's backside, angled so you can see his really large penis. "Tremendous energy," Roger gulps. Ted: "It really comes right out at you." God, would you two do it, already? Finally, Ted proclaims that he's "ready," and he and Roger run out of the gallery together.
Jennifer's looking at the benign pictures...Lindsay and the baby...Daphne laughing...a naked man's butt...whoops, hold on! Behind Daphne, Debbie is watching. She blinks a couple of times, but shoulders manfully on, and there it is, Naked Brian, in all his trumped-up glory. At that exact moment, Brian decides to hug Justin from behind and start whispering intimately in his ear. Jennifer looks over and realizes it's the same guy in the sketch. Brian starts kissing Justin, and then there's these weird flashes, as Brian takes off Justin's shirt, turns him around and starts fondling him, then pulls down his pants and leans him over the piano. Given that whole fuck-the-nurse-while-Ted's-in-a-coma scene a few episodes back, it took me until Brian pulled off Justin's belt and snapped the piano with it to realize that this was all happening in Jennifer Taylor's head. She snaps out of it, terrified, as she watches Lindsay walk up and hand Brian the baby. Angry, Jennifer stalks out, Debbie on her tail.
Back at Ted's place, he and Roger are trying to have sex. It's just not working for Ted, as he hears the loud ticking of clocks over the opera playing on the stereo. Finally, he pushes Roger away. He tells Roger that he thought that it could work, since Roger's cool, and smart, and talented: "You're just not my type." Obviously, Roger's ill-prepared for this news: "I thought you said you didn't want sex to be everything?" Ted replies, "Yeah, but I'd like it to be something." Yeah, it's really hard when you're not physically attracted to someone to get any of that other stuff to happen. And then Ted loses me when he takes the blame by adding, "You're a catch! Any straight woman would be lucky to have you." What?! Roger, getting dressed, tells him to fuck off. Ted replies that he knows that they share a lot in common: "This would be a totally appropriate relationship for me; the only problem is that sex isn't appropriate." Okay. Roger lets him have it: "You know, I was wrong. You're not like all the others. You're worse. Because you think that knowing Sesto's aria from Clemenzo di Tita makes you better than everyone else. Well, let me tell you -- you're still a self-involved, pretentious, boring asshole, who's still hanging around younger guys who don't want you, and never will. You're pathetic!" Ted's nostrils flare, as he screeches, "And what about you? After you conduct you 501st tribute to Sondheim, why don't you drop by a gym? Get on a treadmill for once in your life, would ya? And do something about your breath!" Roger stomps out, but Ted stops him at the bedroom door. Can they still be friends? Roger, incredulous, slams the door in his face. Ted sighs, but finding a porno mag under his pillow makes it all right again. It's quite an episode where Melanie's halfway likable and Ted's the asshole. Wow.
Debbie and Jennifer drink many glasses of wine in a nearby bar. Jennifer's babbling about Justin having "experiences," which she's trying to understand, "but with boys his own age. This man, he's got to be in his thirties!" Debbie chuckles, "Well, not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so." Ooooh, I wanna! Jennifer says it's just not right, and I agree with her. Brian's too old for Justin -- too old and too scary. Debbie says that this type of thing happens. True, but still. Ick. Jennifer says that her husband will freak if he finds out. Jennifer asks Debbie to tell her about Brian. Debbie calls him "God's gift to Gay PA. They all want Brian. The good news is, none of them can have them. He screws them, breaks their hearts, and then they wise up." Remembering her son, she adds, "Most of them, anyway." Jennifer asks what she can do to stop Justin from getting hurt. Soooooo asking the wrong person. Debbie says that there's nothing she can do, without making it worse. Jennifer cries, "He's only seventeen!" Debbie asks how old she was her first time. Jennifer drains her glass before answering, "Sixteen." Gasp! SLUT. Debbie replies that she was fifteen. And, no, I'm not telling you how old I was. ["Me neither." -- Wing Chun] The women laugh. Debbie says that she's known Brian since he was fifteen, and he hasn't changed much. If it's any consolation, he and Justin are pretty much on the same emotional age level. Not making me feel any better, so I doubt it's working for his mom. Jennifer's not sure she can do this, Debbie points out that she doesn't have a lot of choice: "All you can do is hope that they'll be careful. And that they remember your phone number." Jennifer's unhappy, but she'll be okay. Debbie digs a bunch of condoms out of her purse and slides them over to the other woman, saying, "Here. Give him what he needs." Jennifer reluctantly takes them.
BABYLON! HOT DANCING GAY BOYS! YAY!
The Boys, plus Dr. Dave, are at the bottom of one of the stairwells. Emmett tells Ted to admit that he missed the club. Ted: "The rampant narcissism, the sleaze, the drug use? I don't think so." Dr. Dave wants to know why he came back, then. Ted: "When I figure it out, I'll let you know." Brian spots Justin and Daphne, and sneers, "Oh, look, it's the cast of Zoom." Daphne's not taking his shit, and that's why we love her. She snaps that she and Justin are celebrating, because Justin sold the drawing of Brian. Mike wonders who would could have bought it. Emmett: "Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you." Brian smirks: "Oh, Ted, how thoughtful." Ted deserves that one. "Dancing Queen" pipes up, and it's Mike's favorite song. He gives Dr. Dave his beer, ready to lead him to the dance floor, but Brian steps in and dances with Mike instead. Desperation is the world's worst perfume, Brian. Mike's clueless, as usual. Ted goes to the restroom. Emmett, peachy as always, asks Dave to dance with him. After a second, Emmett says, "Oooh, he can dance! He is gay after all." Oh, he is sooooo NOT. Part black, maybe, but definitely not gay. Mike calls Brian a bad influence. Brian plants a kiss on him in response. Dr. Dave's sporting that sour look again.
In the men's room, Ted walks past men making out in the stalls. Hey, it's the Gay Brother again! When Ted gets to the sink, he looks to him, and lo and behold, it's Blake. Blake's certainly more casual than I would be with the man I left to die in his apartment. Blake, totally strung out, asks him how he's doing, Ted bites, "Better, no thanks to you." Blake laughs nervously, and says that he never really knew what happened, but he didn't see anything about Ted dying in the papers, so Blake figured that it all turned out all right. Ted snarls that that was thoughtful of him. Turns out Blake was the one who called the ambulance, and even waited on the corner until they came. He didn't stick around though, because he didn't want to get caught with the drugs. Blake says that he's glad Ted's okay, and turns to leave. Ted asks him, hesitantly, if Blake wants to get together again sometime. Gotta be kidding me. Dude, what are you on? At that moment, some bigger guy walks in, and asks Blake where he's been. Ted knows he's been beat again. Blake says he'll see him around. Ted shakes his head once, because he knows he's out of his damn mind. The only man Ted's screwing tonight is himself. As usual. Walking back up the stairs to find the others, he hits on every cute boy in his path, and is met equally by apathy, disgust, and disdain. That sequence was shot weird, with those freaky flashes again, and some sort of dream sequence of Ted biting one guy on the arm, and all this camerawork that makes Ted look like he's on drugs, even though he's not. Emmett meets him at the top of the stairs, and Ted looks so weird, Emmett assumes he had sex in the restroom with someone. Nope. Got someone's phone number? Nope. Ted tells him that he was rejected by everyone, and adds, laughing, "It's good to be back." Okay, I didn't quite get that. I'm sure it has something to do with closure, but between you and me, Ted needs help. Emmett hugs him anyway.
On the dance floor, Mike and Brian boogie away amongst the multi-colored Speedoed masses. Mike snags a sparkly cowboy hat from an HDGB and puts it on. David grabs it off and pulls Mike close to him, telling Mikey that he wants to take him home, Delighted, Mike follows SoNotGay out the door. Brian's pissed, but can't stop it from happening.
At Mike's place, Dave throws the wasted lease-holder onto his bed. SoNotGay starts kissing Mike's stomach, but then stops and asks him, "Who are you thinking about?" Michael's confused, but Dave asks again, "When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?" Mike passes out, giggling, as Dave holds him, worried and anxious.
Cut to an overhead shot of Brian in bed. Brian maintains a bored expression as another head peeks out of the covers -- it's Comic Clerk Boy, complete with blue baseball cap. Brian, barely looking at him, takes off his hat, puts it on his own head, and pushes Comic Clerk Boy back down under the covers. Brian stares over at a shelf across from the bed. Guess what's on it? Justin's sketch of Brian. Brian bought it himself. Brian's got enough self-love to make up for everybody. Brian gives a self-satisfied grin as the camera pans up to the ceiling and out.
Okay, I actually gave this one a B+. Plot good, dialogue not as bad as usual, mad props for character development. Thank God they got Melanie out of the Happy Fun House; she's much nicer to everyone, and she's forced to keep her voice down. I was disappointed in Ted's behavior, but it's a new spin on his character, and not entirely unexpected. Brian desperately trying to keep Michael's attention was a hoot, but dude, CHRIS POTTER IS SO NOT GAY!
on Queer as Folk: Jennifer not only tells her husband that Justin's gay, but he's also seeing "a man." Justin tells his dad that he loves Brian. His Dad tells him to shut up. Brian, in the meantime, is still trying to break Mike and Dave up. How many times does Brian have to kiss Mike before Mike realizes something odd is going on? Dr. Dave gets between Mike and Brian on the dance floor, but this time it's Brian he's interested in boogie-ing with. At school, Chris Hobbes tells Justin, "You really are a queer," proving that sometimes an eye-roll is the only thing that will do. Justin denies it, anyway. Justin's dad yells that he's putting a stop to all this gay nonsense, then slaps Justin into week. Chris Hobbes knocks Justin against the lockers, and another student has to hold Justin back from kicking Chris's hypocritical ass. Justin tells his father that it doesn't matter what he does: "I'll still be your queer son." Brian's car gets jacked up, and unfortunately for Brian, he's in it at the time.
See y'all week, for a very special episode of...Queer as Folk.