Episode Report Card Camper: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Nobody Loves Brian...
By Camper | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 01.20.2001
Dr. Dave's Office. Dr. Dave enters and sees Mikey looking at all the stuff on the mantle. Dr. Dave doesn't look too happy to see him, but asks him what the problem is, anyway. Mike says, "I'm a jerk." Go with that, Mike. Admitting there's a problem is the first step in curing it. Dr. Dave replies that Mike wasn't an asshole, and Mike says, "Believe me, I've seen a lot of assholes, and -- uh, you know what I mean." Mike asks for another chance, and since he's all cute and puppy-like, and way less lame than usual, I'm going to root for him. Dr. Dave makes him sit down on the chair, and makes like he's about to crack Mike's neck, but instead leans down and says, "You really are adorable, you know that?" Chris Potter is so not gay.
The Happy Fun House. Melanie opens the door, and is greeted by The Electra Woman doll, held like a white flag by a disembodied hand, and Brian's voice saying, "I got something for Gus." Smart guy -- whatever happens, the doll will get it first. Seems to work, because Melanie chuckles and says, "That's so sweet. I'll be sure to call Michael later and thank him." Brian follows Melanie into the living room, and there's Justin, sketching Lindsay breastfeeding the baby. Brian smirks when he sees Justin and asks His Lesbians what the kid is doing there. Melanie snaps that they ran into Justin on the street, like Brian abandoned him there, or something. Justin plays it off like, what a cool coincidence, huh? Yeah, right. Melanie picks up the baby and walks towards Brian with him. With a smile, Brian reaches for Gus, but Melanie just brushes past him. Ugh, Melanie. Lindsay's looking over some of Justin's drawings, gushing over how good they are, and they're okay, but they're really not that great. I mean, compared to me and the happy faces I manage to wobble out, sure, but Justin's not da Vinci or anything. Plus, she's looking at loose pictures; when did Justin find the time to go get his portfolio? Melanie expositions (yes, that's a verb in my world) that Lindsay is an art teacher, so she knows what she's talking about. Still not impressed with the sketches, sorry. Lindsay tells Justin that he has "an amazing feel for the human form," and I brace myself as Brian counters, "Yes, I've noticed that myself." I wonder if the same writers for the 007 movies are moonlighting on Queer as Folk until Pierce Brosnan's ready to be James Bond again? That would explain a lot. St. L. pulls out one sketch in particular, and shrieks with delight as she shows it to Brian. Justin's all embarrassed, but secretly pleased, because that's an extra-special picture. Of Brian. Naked in Bed. And Justin was quite generous, if you know what I mean. Melanie cracks me up by peering down at the paper, raising an eyebrow, and exclaiming, "Ah. Circumcised. Just like I thought." My guess, too. Brian asks Justin when he drew that. Hello, Bright Boy; Justin did stay over a couple of times. Justin smugly confirms that it was while Brian was asleep. That's a little creepy, kid. Lindsay says that Justin should enter his drawings in an art exhibit that's going on at the Gay and Lesbian Center Downtown. Brian scoffs that the GLC is just "a safe haven for fags that can't get laid." Prompting Melanie to tell Justin, "You know, it might be good to get out and meet some young men for a change." Brian and Melanie exchange The Look of Mutual Hatred. Lindsay glosses over it, explaining that the event is a fundraiser for the Center, and she and Brian's other Lesbian are on the Board. Justin thinks it's a cool idea, and so does Brian, who throws a teddy bear at Justin and sneers, "Give him some other activities, so he'll stop stalking me." Justin throws the teddy bear back at him, and tells Brian not to flatter himself. Riiiiight. Brian's Lesbians giggle, because they don't realize Brian's serious. Serious, and now grumpy. Melanie grins, "We like Justin. Justin can stay." Giving into his ee-vil little plan, I see. Well, whatever makes Brian unhappy, I guess. Lindsay tells Brian he's coming to the exhibit, too, whether he likes it or not. What a good idea. Justin's obsessed with Brian, so the best thing to do is to give him more time to spend with Brian. Not. Brian mouths the word "bitch" at her. Yup. Aren't you glad you dropped by?
Ted and Emmett at "Date Bait," a.k.a. The Ugly Gay Man Society. Here's the deal: Everyone gets a number, and one by one, they stand up and say a little something about themselves. If you like the man talking, then you write down his number. If he wrote down your number, too, then you two have to go out. There's some jawing about a computer program that makes it all anonymous. So here goes: A guy that looks like a slightly younger version of Ted stands up, introduces himself, and says that he only came out a year ago. No, I can't see a wedding ring tan from here. The next man is a big, burly type -- I believe the term is "Bear" -- in a black t-shirt and leather jacket, who decides that the two things he wants to tell us are that he likes Ben and Jerry Hubby Chubby Ice Cream (and there's the eye roll) and his favorite TV show is Frasier. I get that, by the way. I guess that reference could pass for subtlety in Queer As Folk Land. The third guy -- balding, not too fit, but certainly not fat or anything -- teaches piano and voice lessons at Carnegie Mellon University. When it's Emmett's turn, he tells everyone that Ted made him come. Okay, and you know that shirt he bought that says "BoysBoysBoys" across the top? Right underneath it is a drawing of a man's chest, like one of those really large t-shirts they sell at the beach that make you look you're wearing a bikini? Yeah, definitely time to chip in and get Emmett a personal stylist. Cut back to The New Guy, who says that he's "looking for a nice guy, who likes Chihuahuas. I have three!" and pulls out pictures. Sigh. The Bear writes down New Guy's number. Apparently, someone thinks I have an infinite amount of patience. Cut back to Emmett, who adds, "My boyfriend would kill me if he knew I was here." Okay, Emmett, they get it. Cut back to the Bear, who continues, "And I have a Speedo fetish -- especially red and teal." Oh, man. Emmett and Ted exchange The Look of Mutual Horror. Yikes. Ted stands and tells his tale, "The Ballad of the Coma." You remember: Ted goes to Babylon. Ted meets "cute boy" Blake. Blake has drugs. Ted takes drugs. Ted ends up in a coma. Ted's number falls off his chest while he's telling this, because he's just not pathetic enough. Although really, he is. No, really. Cut to Music Guy saying that he would love to have someone to come home to after rehearsals. Cut back to Ted, who finishes, "I'm looking for a relationship with someone based on something real, and I thought there might be someone here who's looking for the same thing." Aww. Music Guy looks like he's going to cry. After everyone's done, Emmett sighs, "Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink." "A drop"? You're going to need at least a full bottle to try and tolerate this crowd, believe me. He adds, "I can honestly say I have no desire to sleep with any of these people." Ted replies, "Me neither. It's a start."
Mike's place. Dr. Dave's looking at all the comic book paraphernalia in Mike's room -- more than he's ever seen, he says. Mike chuckles, "That's what everyone I bring home says -- I mean, people have told me that." Dr. Dave smiles at him indulgently, like a proud papa. Dave points to the large cardboard cutout on Mike's wall, and asks who that is. Mike's like, duh, it's Captain Astro! Dr. Dave doesn't smack him around, but continues to smile indulgently. As they step back into the kitchen, Mike apologizes for Emmett, even though he's not there, and refers to Emmett as a "squatter," even though he's been staying with him for two years. I wonder whether Emmett apologizes for Mike when he brings people over? I would. Dr. Dave tells Mike that he doesn't have to apologize for everything. So, of course, Mike apologizes for apologizing. Mike offers Dave something to drink, but as a faint techno beat commences, it would appear that the good doctor's not thirsty for anything in the fridge. And now I've got two straight guys making out in the kitchen. That's just great. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I haven't been this embarrassed for two people since the Starr Report.