Ted's Not Dead

S01E04

Back at school, Chris Hobbes is cleaning up the athletic-equipment room as ordered. Justin walks in, and offers to help. I brace for a Matthew Shepherd-like beat down. Justin! No. Justin lifts some heavy box, leading Hobbes to comment, "Wow, you're pretty strong." Justin replies slyly, complete with eyebrow raise, "That's my other secret." I pause my cringing long enough to roll my eyes.

Brian's at work, and completely blocked over some ad copy. Off-screen, we hear, in the most obnoxious voice possible, "Excuse me for barging in." Of course it's Melanie. She slams her briefcase onto his desk, telling him, "This won't take long." Yeah, just long enough to work my last damn nerve. And please take note that Brian hasn't said one word to her, and she's already bringing the attitude. Melanie announces that she's Ted's attorney. Brian couldn't care less. Melanie continues that Ted made a living will, and goes off on a weird tangent about Brian needing one, too, like she suddenly remembered she's a professional, and anyway, Ted named Brian executor of his living will. Melanie tries to hand him some papers, but Brian's still pretending that she's not there, and leaves her hanging. I've been trying for three weeks, and every episode she just keeps showing up, so good luck with that. Melanie drops the papers on the desk, telling Brian that Ted has made him "responsible." For what? For deciding whether or not to pull the plug. Bum Bump Baahmmm! Brian's all, oh, HELL no! Melanie smugly says that she tried to talk Ted out of it. Brian asks how long she's known about this, and then they have a mutual fit about why she didn't tell him. Happy Brian has definitely left the building.

Back in the athletic room, Chris sits on the floor against one of the equipment cages, shirt half-open, rubbing his chest, breathing heavily. Justin tosses him a Pepsi, and we get to watch the foam burst from the can in slow motion. My mother used to tell me that if I kept rolling my eyes, they'd stick that way. This episode might just test that theory. Hobbes offers Justin a sip, and we see Justin's hand, the entrance stamp from Babylon still fresh on his hand, reach for the can. He's branded, you see. And the stamp is the sign for male (circle with the arrow coming out of it), with a "B" in the middle of the circle. "B" for Babylon. Or is it "B" for Brian, the predator that Justin is becoming? You see how they were all subtle with the symbolism? Uh huh. Not. Justin joins Chris on the floor. Hobbes starts talking about his many female conquests, not noticing that Justin's looking at him like he's an antelope on the Sahara. I'm still not sure a beat-down isn't about to occur. Whoever Chris is talking about, Justin comments that "she looked like a dyke to" him. Chris: "She's not a dyke, she's a whore." Yup. Future of America, sitting right here. Then Hobbes begins this story, which starts, like any good letter to Penthouse Forum, "You'll never believe it, but this actually happened to me!" To sum up: there's this girl who came over to interview him for the school paper. And his parents weren't home! Chris: "So, I tell her what a touchdown is like! And she grabs my dick." Yeah, she wanted an actual demonstration. ["I think Chris has seen Election once too often." -- Wing Chun] Justin's eyes are all glassy. Hobbes has his hand on his crotch while he continues that this girl had these cold rings on, but her hands were warm, and he obviously has a hard-on as he's relating this, and I'm blushing furiously, and Justin is completely transfixed. And open-mouthed once again, and this time it is an offer. Justin -- and I swear to God I thought Justin would soon be taking a hospital bed to Ted's -- Justin opens up Chris's fly with his stamped hand and starts to jack Mr. Hobbes off. And Chris lets him! No beat-down! Just a beat-off. Sorry, I couldn't help that one. Of course, their teacher walks in right as Chris ejaculates. He frowns at the two boys, who skitter about a hundred feet away from each other, and asks them, "Shouldn't you be working?" Justin was working pretty good there for a minute. Okay, so just as Brian started his career as a sexual predator when he gave his gym teacher a blow-job in the locker room, Justin starts his with the football star in the locker room. Get it? Just making sure you're paying attention.