Okay, what is Beau Bridges dong on this show? Is he trying to tell us something? What the hell is going on here? At any rate, Mr. Bridges informs us that previously on QaF, "Brian, who's had everyone he's ever wanted, got more than he bargained for when he ran into Justin outside Babylon, the hot gay club on Pittsburgh's strip." Picture Garrison Keillor reporting this, and you've got it about right. Okay: "They are just about to hook up when their session is interrupted by the birth of Brian's sperm-donated son by his ex-girlfriend Lindsay, and her acid-tongued female partner, Melanie." I was in too much shock the first time I watched it, and the second time, I couldn't stop laughing! "Session"? "Hot gay club on Pittsburgh's strip"? "ACID-TONGUED"? BWAHAHAHA!!! "Brian now finds himself saddled with two problems -- his genetic one, and Justin, who will do anything to get back with Brian." Is he talking about the baby or the fact that Brian's a complete ass? Beau also informs us that Michael got set up with a girl at work, while Justin finds "what Lindsay and Melanie already know -- that Brian's heart is the one thing that he's missing." Did anyone watch the show before they wrote this? ISSUES! No time. Sigh. Let's move on.
Hot Dancing Gay Boys! They're Hot! They're Dancing! They're Gay Boys! Man, I just love that opening.
Lindsay and Melanie's house. Guests -- mostly gay and lesbian couples -- arrive for brunch, Michael voice-overs that it "was really nice -- the smell of bread and flowers everywhere -- not like going to my friend's house, with the smell of dirty laundry and porno tapes everywhere you look." Melanie seems really happy to see Mike. And later on, she seems really happy to see Emmett and Ted, too. Don't know what that is, but it's scaring me. Mike kisses Gus on the way in the door and looks wistfully at the two women. "For a moment I wished that I, too, could be a lesbian. Then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it." So much for the warm, fuzzy moment. Michael greets various lesbians -- most of which, I'm really sorry, look like men and confuse me -- as he walks through the living room, and continues to voice-over, "Men and women are different from each other, and it doesn't have anything to do with gay or straight. The way I see it -- women know how to commit to each other. Men don't. At least, not the men I know." The Gay Men/Straight Girl World Coalition nods sadly. Tell us something we don't already know.
Michael finds Emmett and Ted. Emmett is wearing...something that's hurting my eyes. I found my glasses last week after being blinded by Debbie's outfit, and I put them on. Oh, yes, it's a rainbow plaid blazer over a white shirt with a butterfly collar. Emmett's obviously taken classes at the Carrie Bradshaw School of Inappropriate Fashion recently. Emmett is accompanied by a young, thin Japanese man, wearing all black. Ted is dressed like a normal human being. Michael voice-overs that he's jumping ahead: "Let's go back an hour."
The film speed rewinds, back out the door, down the street, up the stairs of some building, over to the guys' gym. Brian is lifting weights, and Michael sits to him, in his nice suit. "I told you," Brian says, "I'm not going to the munchers' brunch." Munchers Brunch. That would be a good name for an all-girl rock band. Michael says it's not for them -- it's for Brian's son. Brian retorts that Gus is only his son when Melanie and Lindsay want his money. ["That's not a bad point, judging from the recaps, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Michael says that he shouldn't punish Gus because of them. Brian replies that the kid won't even notice. Michael tells him not to be so sure, he read somewhere -- Brian interjects, "Where, Marvel Comics?" -- okay, I'm as big a fan of Professor X as the high-school geek, but enough with the lame-o comic-book references that never go anywhere. They sound forced, they sound stupid, they make my head hurt with a deep and abiding pain. All right? All right. Anyway, Michael continues that babies are sensitive to their environments, even in the womb; tension affects babies adversely, while, "listening to Mozart makes them smart, or something like that." Brian: "Well, how do you think listening to two dykes go down on each other for the past nine months will affect him? Christ, he'll probably end up being straight." Mike: "All the more reason why he needs his dad!" Can't argue with that.
Michael follows Brian into the steam room. Brian is wearing a towel now; Mike is still in his suit. Michael is railing at Brian to stop acting like a child, but soon loses Brian in the steam. When he finds him, Brian has found somebody else. There's a guy sitting on one of the benches, clutching his penis over his towel. Michael walks up behind Brian, who's already starting to jack off under his towel. Is Michael running into Brian having sex going to be a regular thing every week? Just want to know so I can order more Maalox. Of course, Brian is always having sex, so the odds are pretty much in Michael's favor. I don't think I should have to suffer, though.
Mike: Well, I was just about to say that you should rise to the occasion. Be bigger than they are. That is, if you can take your hand and your mind off your dick long enough.
Brian: I've got more important things to do.
Michael: Well, what am I supposed to tell them?
Brian [ripping off his towel]: Tell them something came up.
Note to Writers: Dialogue should not physically hurt your audience. Thank you. Anyone know a remedy for a permanent wince? If so, please email me. Much appreciated. Anyway, Brian throws his towel in Michael's face, much like Justin threw a shirt in his mom's face in the last episode. Symbolic? Maybe. The important thing is, we get to see Brian's butt again, so, really, who cares? I have my priorities.
Lindsay and Melanie's. Melanie is wandering around with a video camera. Still happy, still scaring me. She zooms around the room, panning across all the happy lesbians. She stops on Lindsay, who's holding Gus and talking to a relative of Melanie's. The older woman says, in a Brooklyn accent, "I'm thrilled for you both." And adds hastily, "and such a lucky boy to have two mothers!" Lindsay smiles sweetly, as the woman continues, "What do you need a man for, anyway? Your Uncle Ben was a lousy father -- never had any time for the family, always chasing women..." Lindsay's starting to look uneasy, but the relative continues, "You're better off being lesbian, because, take it from me -- a stiff prick knows no conscience." Melanie laughs. She would.
At the buffet table, Emmett gives Mike and Ted the scoop on the Japanese guy, whose name is Katsuo. On cue, Katsuo, very bewildered, holds out a glass of OJ to Emmett, and asks, "Jews?" "No, no," Emmett says, pointing around the party, "Jews." And then to the glass, "juice." Emmett to the boys: "He gives 'Pacific Rim' a whole new meaning." TMI, seriously. Mike asks him where he found Katsuo; Emmett says that Katsuo found Emmett, while he was having drinks at the Lizard Lounge. Katsuo doesn't speak English, and the only words Emmett knows are "Sony" and "Toyota." But there are other ways of communicating, Emmett assures them. Ted: "We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full." Snicker. Katsuo then starts speaking emphatically in Japanese. Emmett, in the most condescending tone known to man, tells him, "It's called corned beef, sweetie. It's a Jewish delicacy, okay?" Mike: "What do you suppose he's actually saying?" Emmett: "It doesn't matter. We're in love, love, love!" Which seems to be everyone's first mistake on this show, not that anyone's paying attention. Emmett kisses Katsuo, and then wanders off. Katsuo turns to Ted and Mike and keeps, repeating, "Kane, Kane!" They sort of look at him, like, "Huh." And then mutually agree to go ask Melanie.
Emmett, Ted, Michael, and Katsuo find Melanie, still busy with her video camera -- still smiling, so still scaring me -- and ask her to translate. "Talk to Me-la-nie!" Ted tells Katsuo, in a loud voice. "Melanie speak all Axis powers." Humph. She would. Turns out that "kane" means "money." Katsuo is a male prostitute, and expects Emmett to pay him one of these days. Now Ted's wandered off, so Michael's the only one to hear this bit of news. Emmett comes back into the room and wraps his arms around Katsuo, who's still repeating, "Kane!" Emmett is oblivious. Mike walks up to them and tells Ted "kane" means..."love." Mike: "He loves the sound of your voice. It's like silent wind chimes and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze." Katsuo, poor bastard, looks like he thinks Mike might actually be helping him. Emmett looks like he's about to cry. Never underestimate the ability of male friends to completely screw each other over for kicks.
Lindsay and Melanie walk into the living room with Gus. Mike asks if he can hold him. Lindsay, handing him the baby, says that it's almost time for the "ceremony," and asks about Brian. Mike says that he couldn't make it, that, and Melanie finishes for him, "Something came up. And I can guess what!" First two guesses don't count. The Rabbi comes in, and Lindsay introduces him to the group. He'll be doing the bris. Emmett: "Oh, I love roast beef." The Rabbi is uncertain, but chuckles. Ted: " That's 'brisket.' I believe the bris is a Hebrew circumcision ceremony." Yup. The Rabbi describes the whole ceremony, and Emmett faints dead away at the words "remove" and "foreskin." Yeah, it's funny, but how could he have never heard of circumcision before? ["Or a bris? He's never watched Seinfeld?" -- Wing Chun]
The pool at either Justin or Daphne's house. The two teenagers are sitting on the diving board, playing with a remote-controlled boat. Justin tells Daphne that Brian said that all Justin was to him was "just a fuck." Daphne: "That's a shitty thing to say." But an honest one. Which leaves no room for interpretation. NO, really, Justin, it doesn't. Daphne looks too cute in a salmon-colored sweater and a criminally short black skirt. Justin's looking more and more like Dawson every day. Daphne says that when her last boyfriend dumped her, she didn't cry about it -- she just went out and got herself a new one. Justin: "When did you have a boyfriend? Third grade?" 'Kay, just because she's been hanging out with your tired ass lately, doesn't mean she's unattractive. Daphne tells him it was last summer. The two share a cigarette, because they're bad kids and just too cool. Well, Daphne is, at any rate. Daphne says that her ex got really jealous, and Justin should do the same thing to Brian. Daphne: "Go pick up some hot, hunky guy. You're not exactly a troll, you know." She looks down shyly when she says that last part, and I'm going to choose to ignore that, because really, gayness aside, Daphne can do better. At this point, I'm almost ready to concede that BRIAN could do better. Justin asks her to come with him. Daphne giggles, "What if some lesbo tries to pick me up?" That's what I love about teenagers -- no concept of the word "NO." Repeated emphatically, it gets results. Seriously. Daphne then goes off on a tangent about liking Melissa Etheridge, and whether or not that means anything. Justin laughs and says, "Maybe." Daphne pushes him into the pool, about an episode too late.
Back at the bris. A crowd leans over Emmett, unconscious on the sofa. Mikey worries that Emmett's had a heart attack, like those people who have weak hearts, and no one knows it until they have a heart attack. Or something. An elderly man breaks through the crowd, telling them that he's a doctor. His wife points out hat he's a retired podiatrist. So, it's all Jewish stereotypes on Melanie's side of the family. That must have made for a fun childhood. "You think no one ever fainted in my office?" he snaps back. "From corns?" his wife asks. It could happen. Those puppies can be pretty painful. Dr. Foot asks if they have smelling salts. Ted asks, "How about poppers?" Ted's on a roll. But sooo unhappy. And, oddly, reminding me of Eeyore. Lindsay remembers that they have horseradish, for the gefilte fish. She gets it. It's waved under Emmett's nose, and he is revived. Emmett: "What happened?" Ted, in a fake whisper: "You fainted." Snicker. The Rabbi tells them all that he "doesn't mean to hurry things up, but [he's] got twins at three." The crowd around Emmett disperses. Emmett: "No, really, I'm fine."
Back at the gym, Brian's getting dressed when his steam-room dalliance walks up and shoves a piece of paper in Brian's jeans. Brian's well-fitting jeans. Cough. Um, yeah, so, Steam Room Guy tells Brian to call him some time; Brian's like, oh, yeah, sure, NOT. His cell rings, and it's Mike, who tells him to get down to the house. Mike tells Brian, "Well, you know all those Hebrew words at the bottom of the invitation? I just found out what those mean."
Melanie holding Gus. The Rabbi goes through the three steps that every Jewish boy goes through in order to become a man -- bris, bar mitzvah, marriage. And then it occurs to me, as I think about my half-Jewish friends -- isn't religion passed on through the mother's side? That being Lindsay? I know Melanie's supposed to be his mother, too, but she didn't give birth to him, which means she's more like his father, and then my little pink brain starts to hurt. But I'm pretty sure I'm right. Unless they got a special lesbian dispensation from the Rabbi Council, or something. That's probably a 201 topic, though. I'm only halfway through the 101 class.
Katsuo sits in the corner playing with a Game Boy. Mike and Ted support Emmett on both sides so that he won't take another sniper hit onto the floor. The Rabbi picks up the...uh, knife? Emmett: "Oh my god, he's really going to do it." Mike: "Where's Brian?" Ted: "Looking after the only dick that matters -- his own." Ted's getting all the good lines.
The Rabbi's just leaning in, when... "Excuse me, Rabbi?" It's Brian to the rescue! Brian, all Wrath-of-God-like in the middle of the living room: "You two. In the kitchen. Now." Melanie, whose motto has always been that a good offense is the best defense, starts in on the screaming right away. Interrupted a religious ceremony, blah, blah, blah. How dare he, yada, yada, yadacakes. Scream, shout, verge of aneurysm, etc. Film at Eleven. Brian says that they should have asked his permission, and as biological father, he has more rights than she does. Burn! Melanie: "I see someone's been studying his law!" Yeah, too bad the lawyer hasn't. That would be you, Melanie. If you want him out of your life so badly, why didn't you get him to sign away his parental rights? As much as I hate to say it, I have to side with Brian on this one. Melanie screams that if he cares so much about his son, how come he hasn't come to see him once since he was born? Brian replies that he hasn't exactly been welcome. I don't know what gives him that idea. Melanie: "Oh, please! You've just been too busy fucking everything that moves!" I, as humble recapper -- nay, historian -- would like to point out that Brian did come over a few days ago. You know, when you two forced him into signing those insurance papers? St. Lindsay points out that they have a houseful of guests who can hear every word they're saying, and then asks Brian why he cares whether Gus has a bris or not. Brian: "It matters that he's only been in this world a week, and there are already people who won't accept him for the way he is -- that would even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is: the way he was born. Well, I'm not going to let that happen." You go, Brian! But there should be violins playing during this scene. Where are the Violins Of Angst And Cultural Misunderstanding? Actually, this episode has been shockingly devoid of music so far. The Rabbi comes into the kitchen and asks whether they're ready to proceed. And there's Lindsay, caught between Brian and Melanie.
The Liberty Diner, that night. The boys and Katsuo are crowded into a booth. Emmett, to Brian: "You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers." Mike: "And for once, it was us." Actually, it was all Brian. BRIAN, Michael, not you. Debbie walks past them, carrying a tray filled with food. Brian, endearing as always, asks her if they can have some service. Debbie: "Keep your pants on. At least until you've had dinner." Known him twenty years, and still doesn't realize that's too much to ask. Well, hope springs eternal, I guess. As does Brian. Ted: "I've always said that here are two reasons to be friends with lesbians: they'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is because you haven't met the right woman, and they know how to change a flat." He forgot a third one -- they can always give you a good recommendation for a barber. Sorry, it was an obvious line, and nobody's used it. Brian says it's not about Melanie and Lindsay, it's about Gus: "If I don't look out for him, who will?" Mike: "Wow. If you're not careful, Brian, you might turn out to be an all right dad despite yourself." Brian gives him a combination of The Sneer and a wry grin. The guys all toast to Brian. Like he needs the validation. Debbie's usual brightness is dimmed somewhat by a black shirt and pants, but she's still wearing the rainbow P-FLAG Honor vest -- on which some buttons are actually blinking. Oh, Jaysus, her t-shirt actually says, "Got Lube?" And I bet you if someone answers "No," she probably has some in her back pocket. Emmett says that he doesn't want anything, and Debbie retorts that he "should try to eat some of [his] protein off a plate." Emmett: "I read that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an inch of cock." Debbie: "So if you just drop another ninety pounds, then you'll have a four-inch pecker!" Ba-dum-bump! Emmett isn't amused, but everyone else is. Although neither Ted nor Mike wants anything, either, after that. Katsuo pipes up, in broken English, "Cheeseburger, French fries, chocolate shake, apple pie." Ted and Mike look at each other: How much does he understand, anyway? Emmett gazes at Katsuo fondly, like a proud papa. Brian, as usual, couldn't care less.
I'm sorry, I know I'm obsessing, but come on, Beau Bridges?
Liberty Ave. Drag queens, funky divas, and our favorite Hot Not-Yet-Dancing Gay Boys saunter down the strip. Ted is bumped by a young, nice-looking man on the street. Would he be considered a twinkie? I'm going to call it, since I can't get my GayRef on the phone. Anyway, Ted, still moving, says ,"Sorry." The twinkie (as far as I'm concerned), says that it's okay. Mike knows the guy -- he works out at their gym, and his name is Blake. Mike looks back at Blake looking at Ted, and tells him that he thinks Blake's interested. Ted shrugs it off. Mike: "Will you listen to you? Always putting yourself down." Ted: "Better me than them." Mike: "Doesn't sound like it." Word. Ted babbles on about how statistically improbable it is that a "guy named 'Blake,' who looks like that, would like a guy named 'Ted,' who looks like me." Brian, Ted is sure, is more Blake's type. 'Cause, you know, Brian's everybody's type. Which is why Brian's had everybody, Ted adds. Mike's just about to protest, when Ted amends that he knows, "except [Mike]." Judge's ruling: Brian's had Michael longer than anybody. But I'm just saying. Ted continues, "Which is kind of weird, if you think about it." Mike's like, why is it weird? Brian's his best friend; everyone knows you're not supposed to have sex with your best friend. Personally, my best friend's fiancé will be happy to hear that. Ted: "Oh, right. Sex is something you have with complete strangers -- people you'll never see again unless you bump into them on the street, but never someone that you might actually give a shit about." Mike's expression says that his little pea brain might comprehend that this conversation might be taking place on two different levels, but he's not quite sure what the second one is. And the first might be a little cloudy, too. Or maybe he's just constipated. Basically, his face can be summed up as a big, ole, "HUH?" Ted breaks up the moment by laughing, "Who makes up these rules, anyway?" The two agree to cap it and get a drink. Or two or three.
An Amazonian drag queen who wishes she was RuPaul passes Ted and Michael as they cross the street. The camera follows the drag queen as she (he? What's the correct lingo? Cut me some slack, I'm still new here) steps up to the opposite curb, past two equally tall men making out...and Daphne and Justin. Daphne's wearing a shiny pink dress with a fluffy feather collar, that Judy Jetson was kind of enough to lend her. Justin's wearing a dark silver top and jeans. Justin's cute. Daphne's cuter. Daphne's all excited: "Ohmigod, look at that! Is it a girl or a boy?" Justin laughs and tells her not to point, "no matter what you see. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls." Like he's all wise and shit. Daphne: "Well, what if I see a guy kissing a girl? That would be something new down here." Yeah, if you see a guy kissing a girl, one of them isn't. Daphne tells him to stop acting like he's so experienced. Dawson...sorry, "Justin" says that he's more experienced than she is. He also reminds her that if they see Brian, she's supposed to act like she doesn't. She promises, even though we both know Justin's a dork.
Melanie and Lindsay's, heretofore known as the Happy Fun House, 'cause Melanie's in a snit. Again. Still. Freakin' always, dude. She storms into the kitchen, carrying dishes, with St. Lindsay close at her heels. Lindsay does that thing that the "wrong" person always does when trying to avoid a fight -- she attempts to change the subject, this time to leftovers and losing her pregnancy weight. Melanie slams a platter down on the kitchen counter and storms back into the dining room. Any Straight Girl could have told you that wasn't going to work, L. Lindsay sighs heavily and asks how long this is going to go on. NO answer. Lindsay asks if Melanie's ever planning on speaking to her again. Like that would be a good thing. Melanie walks out the front door. Forever. Sorry, no such luck. Instead she snipes, "What would you like me to say? All right, how about I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and uncircumcised son?" Both Lindsay and Melanie are suffering from Jennifer Aniston syndrome here, from which I will infer that lesbians are neither fond of bras, nor of turning the thermostat up. Not to make any vast generalizations, or anything. Lindsay tries another tactic: at least Brian agreed to sign the insurance policy, which was what Melanie wanted him to do last week. But she doesn't remember that, or else she would have remembered that Brian saw Gus then, and she chooses not to remember that, either. Either way, Melanie snipes that that doesn't do her a lot of good right now, since she's been humiliated in front of family, friends, a rabbi. And the cold cuts. Don't forget the cold cuts. And Lindsay let him have his way! Melanie: "Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian, but it happens to be an important ritual in my family." So's being straight, I'd wager, but you seem to have gotten through that okay. See Also: Note about parental lineage of Jewish faith. See Also: The ladder in the corner. Grab it and GET OVER YOURSELF. Lindsay: "You know that there are a lot of men that think that circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice?" Melanie: "I don't care what men think about their dicks!" Wonderful attitude for raising a baby boy, I'd like to point out. "I care that you put Brian before me. But why should I be surprised? You always have." Melanie rolls her eyes. Let the shrill whining commence: Lindsay wanted Brian to be the father, even though Melanie didn't want him to be, but it had to be Brian or no one, "so now he's a part of our lives forever, whether we like it or not!" You're the only one complaining, Mel. FYI. Oh, yeah -- and shut up, Melanie.
Lizard Lounge. It looks like its Shiny Shirt Night on Liberty Ave. Brian's wearing a shiny black shirt. So's the hot guy that just brushed suggestively past him at the pool table. Brian to Emmett and Michael, "Okay...well, I know what I'm doing tonight." The same thing we always do -- PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Sorry, wrong television show. I got confused when I accidentally typed in "Brain" instead of "Brian." Mike spots his mother and his Uncle Vic sitting at a table in the corner. Mikey's not too happy. Brian: "Hey, not every guy is lucky enough to have a mom that's equally at home in the kitchen as she is in a gay bar." True. But I'm not sure "lucky" is the right word. Brian pats Mike on the cheek and goes back to making goo-goo eyes with his shiny-shirted twin. "As usual," Ted says, "Brian gets all the beauties, and we get to watch." Which is entirely Brian's fault, right? Not that any of you are even trying, or anything. Whatever. Emmett is messing around with Katsuo, but points out, "He hasn't gotten him yet." Mike: "He will. He's got the walk, he's got the talk, he's got the tattoo." "Tattoo"? Emmett: Where did Brian get a tattoo? Ted: "In a place you'll never see." Oddly enough, we viewers haven't seen it either, and there's not much on his body we haven't. My mind drifts trying to figure out where this tattoo could be that it's not suitable for viewing audiences. Maybe Brian actually does have his phone number tattooed on his dick. That would certainly save him a lot of trouble, wouldn't it? Mike swears when he sees Justin and Daphne walk in: "It's him, our teen stalker!" You mean, Brian's teen stalker. That's Brian's life, not yours. You want a cheat sheet, Mikey?
Justin asks Debbie whether she remembers him; she makes him turn around: "I never forget a butt. Especially a cute one." She and Vic laugh. Justin reintroduces himself and introduces Daphne. On the other side of the room, Mike freaks out. Debbie finally notices her son and starts gesturing wildly and "woo-hooing" You know, "Woo-hoo! Mike! Woo-hoo!" Just trying to be clear. Mike pretends not to notice her, because he's twelve. Justin tells Debbie that he's looking for his "friend," Brian. Vic: "I could have guessed that." Debbie adds that everybody's looking for Brian. Sadly, because that list includes her mentally-challenged son. She points Brian out, downing a shot behind the bar. Daphne: "That's Brian? He's' so old! And skinny! You can do way better than that." I stop laughing long enough to check my savings account and see if I have enough money to put her through college. Justin tells her to shut up. Debbie bets Vic five bucks that "[Brian] nails [the other shiny-shirt dude] before midnight." Justin is distressed.
Meanwhile, Mike interrupts another of Brian's trysts AGAIN, telling him that Justin's there, and talking to his mom, of all things. Brian tells Mike to ignore him: "He's all right." Mike's like, didn't you hear me, he's talking to my MOM. Brian adds, "In fact, he's kind of sweet." At which point I screamed at the screen, "What?! Didn't you hear Mike? He's talking about JUSTIN." Brian tells Mike to relax, and then turns back to find the shiny-shirt twin gone. And blames Michael. Brian is not very sweet, but at least he's not talking to Debbie, so maybe Michael doesn't mind so much. Brian stalks off.
Debbie -- who's wearing, God help us all, a see-through turquoise top over a black lace bustier -- asks Mike what's wrong with Brian. Mikes snaps that it's none of her business. Debbie tells him, rightly, to watch his mouth. Mike asks her, harshly, why she came to the bar. Debbie says that Vic was feeling better and they decided to go out after her shift at the diner. Michael yells, "The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, NOT my mother!" Debbie pulls the whole "sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle" bit. Mike: "Maybe I don't want t you to approve of my lifestyle." Frustrated, "maybe I just want you to go home and...cry!" Seriously. And he stomps off, probably after Brian.
Brian runs across the street looking for his doppelganger and nearly gets run over by a car. He throws the driver The Sneer (™ Brian). "Fuck me!" he groans, on not catching the shiny-shirted twin. "Love to," coos a passerby. Wait your turn, buddy. There's a line.
Yup, Mike comes out of the Lizard Lounge, looking for Brian. Can I call them, or what? And he runs into Tracy. Remember her? SOL from the Big Q Mart? Taking in Liberty Ave., SOL's all, "Isn't this wild?" She and her friends -- two mousy blonds as close as they can get to the curb without standing in the street, far, far from the gay people as possible, you know -- thought they'd "have a little adventure." How fu-un! SOL: "I mean, you always hear about this place, but who ever comes here?" Mike, shaking his head, affirms that he certainly doesn't. Until tonight, that is. Mike then goes through some lame explanation that he's with his gay friend, who he has sort of "an exchange program with, you know. I take him to football games and beer busts, he takes me to the opera and wine-tastings." Yeah, right. Gay or no, I have a hard time imagining Brian at the opera. SOL suggests that they all go for a drink, not realizing that idea is only second in ill-advisedness to her having a crush on Michael. Mike futzes that he's tired and on his way home. SOL: "That's probably a good idea. [seeing another man walk by and check out Mikey's butt] Stick around here long enough and you might end up switching teams!" Yeah, that's right. Laugh along with her, you chickenshit. Brian, glowering, stomps up to them saying, "I lost him. Fuck!" Mike introduces him to SOL, adding, "you know, FROM THE STORE." Brian, of course, cannot resist: "Tracy, of course, from the store. He talks about you all the time." Mike tries to drag him off. Brian tells Tracy that she's even prettier than Mike told him she was. Mike's about to burst into flame. Brian: "He'd never tell you this. He's far too shy. He likes you." Tracy's all moony-eyed and hopeful. Sucker!
Once he finally peels Brian away, Mike rails at him, yelling that he "practically had [them] engaged!" Brian: "Well, I want to dance with the bride at the wedding. And Tracy, too." Cute.
Back at the Lounge, Justin's still talking to Debbie. Justin asks her where the boys might be going. It's 11, so Vic says that it's time for Babylon: "The night's just starting." What a coincidence, Justin says; that's where he and Daphne are going. Vic asks him if he's been there before. Justin lies and says he has. Vic says he didn't know that they had "kiddie memberships." Justin's busted -- he didn't know that you had to be member. Vic hands him his card, saying he's "through with it." Debbie adds, "He's paid his dues." But they don't say why. Although by now, you could probably guess. And, no, I'm not going to come out and say it, until they actually say it. Why? Because I'm a frustrating individual, that's why. I have references, if you want them.
The door at Babylon. The bouncer asks for Justin's card, saying, "It says here you were born in 1952. You look damn good for your age, Vic," And lets him and Daphne in. Okay, now I was informed on the message board that Brian is NOT a felon for sleeping with Justin, because seventeen is past the age of consent, but surely it's illegal for Justin is be in all these bars and clubs, right? So the bouncer could go to jail, right? Because if I have to give up calling Brian a criminal, someone else needs to take the fall, okay?
Daphne and Justin walk through strobe lighting past the chain-link curtains, into the hedonistic wonder that is Babylon. Hot Dancing Gay Boys as far as the eye can see. Special guests: a pair of strapping delights in police uniforms, shaking their boo-tays on a platform stage. ["Oh, is one of them Beau Bridges?" -- Wing Chun] Justin's mouth has dropped down in wonder. Daphne's cracking up. I LOVE this girl. Justin, wimping out, asks Daphne if she wants to leave. Daphne: "Why? We just got here!" Justin pushes her through the throngs of shirtless men towards the bar.
In the restroom, Brian and Michael are trying to find an open stall. NO such luck -- hot gay men making out have taken them all. I just want to thank the creators for helping me understand why straight men like lesbian porn so much. Two hot people that you're both attracted to, getting it on. Got it. Mike: "What would you do if you actually had to go?" Brian: "Find a scat queen?" Mike: "Gross." I know what a scat queen is! But I'm too embarrassed to tell you. Someone finally leaves a stall. There's a sign on the stall door that says: "NO sex in bathrooms -- that's what the couches are for." Brian and Michael snort something or another -- chalk up "drugs" as another thing I don't know too much about -- and Brian tells him that he got it from Tommy Hagger -- who coincidentally, Michael informs Brian, like he cares, got Michael a copy of the only George Reeves superman episode shot in color ("so ancient you can see the strings") and a vintage Wonder Woman doll. See, now that's a natural progression, showing character depth, and development, in context with the rest of the action. Take note. These moments are few and far between. They have their foreheads pressed together, although Brian has to bend down some. I'm sure his knees are used to the pressure. Michael says that the doll cost him a whole month's salary, "but it was so WORTH IT." Brian, speaking for us all: "Mikey, you are sooo pathetic." Mike adds that he still has the picture of Patrick Swayze from when they were fifteen. Brian says that's it got to be all yellow now, "with cum stains all over it." Um, ewww. Mike says the man still looks good. Brian: "We owe it all to him. We should write him a fan letter." Mike says that he already did, a long time ago, but Patrick never wrote him back. Can't imagine why. Brian, laughing, "Well, you've still got me." Mike moves his hand down to Brian's crotch and starts kissing him. After, like, a second or two, Brian pulls away and asks Mike what he's doing. "What a bastard!" the Gay Men/Straight Girl Coalition scream as one. They've been quiet this ep, but they're still watching. Mike blames it on the drugs. Brian shrugs it off and leads Mike back to the dance floor.
Meanwhile, Emmett is looking for Katsuo. Justin is still leading Daphne all over the club, on an eternal search for Brian; he just misses him, coming out of the restroom with Mike. Brian's still looking for the shiny-shirted twin, and blames Mike for making him lose him. Mike protests, but you know he feels guilty anyway. Emmett asks them if they've seen Katsuo. Emmett: "I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me -- have you noticed that the world is getting weirder? -- and I turned around, and he was gone." Yes, the world is definitely getting weirder, and do you know someone actually blamed it on my getting older? Emmett's worried because Katsuo "doesn't speak a word of English. He's so sweet, so innocent. What if some cock-hungry queen tries to have his way with him?" Brian: "I thought you already did." Okay, another cock-hungry queen, then. Brian spots his doppelganger, who's grinning at him, enjoying the chase. Ah, so The Sneer has met his match. Brian's back on the hunt.
At the bar, Ted's drinking a beer, and getting ignored by the many blank-looking guys who walk past him. Not exactly the best way to boost one's ego. Ted asks one if he can buy him a drink. Mike, walking up: "Yeah, I'll take a beer." Ted looks hopeful, and then realizes that it's Mike. Ted asks him if he's on something, Mike makes a pretense of denying it, then asks Ted how he's doing. Ted replies, "Not so good. Eight straight -- or should I make that not-so-straight -- no-hitters." Mike spots Blake on the other side of the bar. Blake winks. Mike points him out to Ted. Ted thinks not. Mike tells Ted to go talk to him. Ted says that he'll just get shot down, and that he's leaving. Mike: "It's too early!" Ted: "Yeah, or too late, depending on what side of the dance floor you happen to be standing on." Mike tells him that maybe he should try going after "someone more like you instead of someone," as Ted puts it, "young and cute." Ouch. Mike says that's not what he meant, and he, Michael, can't find anyone who's interested in him, either. And Ted, with a voice and look laden with meaning says, "Yeah, but you could if you wanted. You're worth so much more than you know, Michael." Wasn't that the same argument Mike just gave him? Ted takes off.
Brian's on the dance floor, looking for the shiny-shirt twin. Justin and Daphne are on one of the staircases, looking for Brian. Justin spots Brian first. Brian's having no luck.
Outside Babylon, Blake catches up with Ted. Blake really is cute. Blake tries to have a conversation with him about how "intense" it can get in Babylon, saying, "sometimes it gets a little too intense in there for me, too." Ted tries to scurry off, but Blake won't leave him alone. Blake asks him if he's going home, and if he wants company. Ted starts to brush him off, but seeing his cute little disappointed face, invites him to come along. Ted's looking a little nervous, too.
Emmett finally spots Katsuo, making out with some older guy in a suit by the bar. Katsuo greets Emmett's outrage by shoving a hundred-dollar bill in Emmett's face, yelling, "Kane! Kane! Kane!" Emmett's cute little face is disappointed, too. Poor Emmett.
At the Happy Fun House, the phone rings. Melanie turns on the light to their bed and answers it. It's Emmett: "How do you say 'tacky little cocksucker' in Japanese?" Melanie's like, dude, it's late, and hangs up on him. Lindsay's already up with the baby. Melanie apologizes for waking them, but Lindsay was awake, anyway. Melanie says that she was up, too, thinking about "all the terrible things I said to you." After St. Lindsay replies that she should have stood up to Brian, Melanie says more terrible things. Observe: "I should have been practical. This way , Gus -- how am I ever going to get used to that name -- may keep his foreskin, but still be provided for." So, you're sorry you yelled, but you still hate Brian, are still upset that there wasn't a bris, and still loathe the name that Lindsay picked for your son. Lovely. St. Lindsay ignores the thinly veiled bile and brings Gus over to the bed, saying that they can't let Brian come between them. Melanie adds, "Even though he would." Whatever, Melanie. St. Lindsay says that she and Melanie are still Gus's parents. Melanie replies, "aside from saying 'push' and 'breathe,' I really didn't have too much to do with it." Lindsay tells her, "You had everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. Just remember that, time you're wondering who comes first." Awww, that's sweet. Melanie doesn't deserve her. And I mean that.
Babylon. Brian, Emmett, and Michael are on one of the platforms, backed by a multi-screen display, which shows different areas of the dance floor. Emmett: "You know, the worst part was not that he was unfaithful, or a slut -- I mean, nobody's perfect [snicker], but that he said he loved me! I mean, he lied to me." Brian replies that he couldn't have lied to him, because he doesn't speak English. Brian's literally on drugs, so I'm not going to point out the idiocy of that statement, because I just don't have time. Michael apologizes for telling Emmett that Katsuo loved him, but doesn't admit that that's not what he said in the first place. Emmett says that it's his own fault: "Why do I always give my heart away to trash?" Brian: "Because you want to see it in the dumpster?" Emmett and I glare at him. Shut up, Brian. Although that certainly would explain Mike's crush on you. Brian spots his shiny-shirt twin, and straightens up. "He's not getting away this time." He says. Cheee-sy!
Ted's house. Blake asks him if he owns it. Ted: "Oh, absolutely. Your home is your most important investment." On Blake's look, he adds, "It's what we tell our clients." He offers Blake a beer; Blake says he doesn't drink, and gets water instead. Ted checks his hair in a little mirror on the refrigerator, breaking the GM/SG Coalition's collective hearts. They sit on the couch. Blake tells Ted that he's sexy. Ted begs to differ. Blake says that he is, because he thinks he isn't. Ted tells Blake that he's beautiful, at any rate. This is all punctuated with awkward silences and fidgeting. Eventually, they start kissing. Hot man-on-boy action. Took them long enough.
Meanwhile, Brian's dancing with his smiley shiny-shirt twin. He leans in and whispers something into the guy's ear that makes him smile more. Emmett and Michael, watching, are amazed at Brian's technique. They wonder what he's saying! He doesn't even have to try! Actually, he's been chasing this guy all up and down the strip and all over the club, so he did have to try a little. And I'm sorry, but Brian can't dance. He looks like one of those marionettes. Jerky movements, no rhythm, somewhat reminiscent of Elaine on Seinfeld. It's very sad. And quite a shock. His shiny-shirt twin has to slow down just so he doesn't upstage him. Daphne and Justin are also watching, and Justin's is poor little disappointed face #3, for those of you keeping score at home. A little incredulously, Daphne points out the obvious: "Look he's got someone. Amazing! How does he do that?" Of course, she means it in a bad way.
Back to Ted's. More man-on-boy action. Blake pulls away to grab a vial of something. Ted asks him what it is, and is told it's GHB. I have no idea what this is, so go ahead, roll your eyes. ["I didn't either, but apparently it's a rave drug that was just criminalized this year. To learn more about GHB, check this out." -- Wing Chun] He pours, like, the whole vial into a glass of water. He says sex is awesome with it. So, he doesn't drink, but he takes this stuff? Ted downs most of the water, even though Blake tries to get him to slow down. They start making out again.
Babylon. Brian and the shiny-shirt twin are still dancing. Emmett and Michael are still watching. Brian, who just can't get enough, gestures "come hither" to this shirtless muscle-bound guy a couple of couples over. The guy shakes his head. Michael and Emmett are open-mouthed in amazement at Brian's brazenness! The shirtless guy eventually boogies his way over. Brian still can't dance. Brian pulls the smiling twin and the shirtless guy together and says something or another. Emmett: "How does he do it? What does he say?" Michael: "We'll never know. But whatever it is, he says it for all of us." Oh, puh-leeze. I don't think you or Emmett are ever going to be in invited to this particular party, Mikey. I'm only going to say this one more time: you are NOT Brian. And Brian's pretty happy about that. Get a life. Now.
Ted's. Ted's feeling kind of weird. And dizzy. All of sudden he falls to the floor and starts convulsing.
Babylon. Daphne and Justin are watching Brian et al. Daphne wonders if Brian's going to do it with both of them. Justin says that Brian can do whatever he wants. And then, in a burst of courage and slo-mo camerawork, he tosses his shirt off and makes his way onto the dance floor, to the song "Let's Hear it for the Boy," silver glitter falling from the ceiling. No, I am not making this up. Justin joins a group of boys very near Brian. Now, Justin can actually dance, you know, in time to the music, and all. And he makes Brian's dancing look even worse. Just thought you should know. Shiny-Shirt Twin and Muscle-Bound Guy are starting to notice Justin. Smiling Twin and Muscle-bound Guy make a Justin sandwich, leaving Brian out. Emmett wonders what the hell Justin's doing. Michael's not looking too happy.
Ted's having seizures on the floor. Blake tries to hold him down and get him to stop, but of course it's not working. So, instead of calling 911 like you or I or any five-year-old would, Blake runs out of the house.
Back on the dance floor. Justin's loving being part of that sandwich. Brian's not so happy about Justin being part of that sandwich, because dammit, he was supposed to be part of that sandwich! You know, a sandwich sounds great. I wonder what I have in the fridge...
Cut to Ted, catatonic and wide-eyed on his floor.
Babylon. Brian tries to be a part of the sandwich by dancing in close to the sandwich, like a wrapper around it, but no one ever eats the wrapper. Besides which, it's making him look desperate. That's not good. Well, I'm enjoying it, but Brian's definitely not. And then, the coup de grâce. Brian pushes shiny-shirt twin and Muscle-bound Guy away from Justin, so that there is no sandwich, just him and Justin. If you can't be the thing they want, take away the thing they want, I guess. The other two men move away. Justin's thrilled. Because he's an idiot. Michael's not so thrilled, because he's not a complete idiot. Brian starts making out with Justin on the dance floor. But does he really want Justin, or is he trying to make those other guys feel bad? Interesting question. Justin doesn't care. Daphne's cheering in her little pink space-suit. Gotta love that teenage perspective. Emmett boogies away from Michael, leaving him alone on the balcony, watching Brian and Justin. The screens behind him cut to multiple, two, and then one full image of the two dancing cheek to cheek. Justin looks triumphant; Brian's giving Michael a knowing smile. Michael's smiling, too, but it looks like his typical Smile of Least Resistance. The last frame is a tight shot on Michael, with only Brian's grin behind him.
week: Ted's in a coma. Brian's the executor of Ted's living will and is none too pleased about it. Melanie tells Brian that she tried to talk Ted out of that particular plan, because she knew Brian would be difficult, as usual. Lindsay tells Brian that he'll make the right decision. Neither Brian nor the rest of the universe is too sure about that. Justin's mom asks him if he has a boyfriend. Justin freaks out because his mom knows he's gay, and then goes back to stalking Brian some more. Debbie tries to recruit Justin's mom into P-FLAG. Let's hope that dressing like Debbie isn't a requirement.
Oh, and here's the disclaimer, this time tagged onto the end of the credits where Showtime thinks no one will see it:
Queer as Folk is a celebration of the lives and passions of a group of gay friends. It is not meant to reflect all of gay society. Although one of the story lines involves an underage character, all principal performers are adults.
Wow. That just makes me feel better each and every time I see it. See y'all week.