First the good news: Beau Bridges has not returned to give us the "previouslys." The bad news is that it looks like the random parade of out-of-work B-list stars will continue. up: Mimi Rogers. You may know Mimi from the brief period she was married to Tom Cruise, before he left her for Trophy Amazon Nicole Kidman. She's also been in a bunch of other stuff I never saw. Oh, no, wait -- I saw Lost in Space. Hard to believe that one slipped my mind, huh? But anyway, she isn't bad -- she plays it like she's gossiping over drinks with friends. She even rolls her eyes a couple of times. Take note, future hosts. This isn't The Prairie Home Companion. Have a little respect. Good job, Mimi. I never really liked Nicole Kidman.
Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Never going to tire of those opening credits.
And we're at the Liberty Diner. Brian, Emmett, and Michael sit in a booth eating breakfast not looking at each other -- or, at least, not looking at each other at the same time. Mike voice-overs: "In case you weren't there, gotta tell you -- last Saturday night at Babylon was...to die for." You can always count on Mikey for the obvious pun. Emmett breaks down first: "Would somebody please say something??" Nothing from nobody. Then finally Mike starts in on this story about a guy he met as he was trying to get out of Babylon. Flashback: this reasonably cute blond who strikes me as being not at all gay (because I'm the expert, you know) walks up behind Mike -- you know, people in this show are constantly doing that to one another -- and whispers something in his ear. We don't hear what. Do you think it's the same line Brian uses? Hard to say. Probably not as "amazing," or whatever.
Back to the diner, Michael says he was "perfect." Brian asks, "How perfect?" He would. Who wants to bet he's getting off underneath the table? Mike, emphatically: "Perfect." So, he takes the guy back to his place, and the dude WILL NOT SHUT UP. Mike's all about the hook-up, and Blondie's all about telling him about his volunteer work with emotionally disturbed kids, and that he's the captain of a Gay Water Polo team, which is just depressing, 'cause you know they're never going to let us see them. Gay Water Polo Team. Damn. Mike to the boys: "And in my mind, I'm picturing him wearing a Speedo with a flag on it." You and me, both, pal.
Cut to Mike's flashback, where the guy's still talking, asking Mike, "Have you ever been to Brazil?" Mikey, with a determination we've never seen before, rips off his shirt and says no: "But I hear they have great beaches." Blondie agrees that the beaches are great, but...they have these "things." Uh, things? Umm, parasites. Long story short: There are these parasites that lie in the sand, and "they sort of burrow their way right up in there." Uh, there? Back at the Diner, Mikey confirms that "there" would be one's ass. Specifically, this guy's ass. Which reminds me: the Gay Man/Single Woman World Coalition is holding our First Annual Symposium on Defective Men month. Registration's still open. Theme: "All God's Dangers Ain't Small Penises." Emmett tells Mike, "At least you found out before you'd gone too far." This is Brian's cue to ask how Emmett's night went.
Flashback to a gothic castle of a bedroom -- you know, red velvet walls, gold candelabras, some bald masochist guy pierced all over, wearing black leather chaps. Our darling Emmett is all cosseted in leather, chains, and a cunning metal/leather jockstrap combo. Emmett: "I feel like a 1991 Madonna video." Yeah, this is totally a scene out of "Erotica," but, like, in color. Emmett continues: "Do you have this in a size larger?" Masochist guy: "Can we hurry this along? I've got a bride and groom to do in the morning." Emmett: "You're 'bi'?" Masochist: "No. They're dead. Car crash" And I swear to God, Emmett looks right in to the camera, giving us the "what the --?!" look, right before the Masochist Guy throws Emmett onto the bed and spreads his legs.
At the diner, Emmett confirms that his hook-up was an undertaker. Brian: "I fucked an undertaker once." Not too surprising; odds are there had to be an undertaker in there somewhere. Mike's outraged that he wasn't informed, because he has no life. Brian says that his undertaker told him they sometimes they sew the mouths of the corpses shut. Shudder. That would be my creepiness quotient for the YEAR. Although I gotta say, Brian's oddly light-hearted in this scene. Much like Melanie smiling at the party in the last episode, he's scaring me. Where's the brooding? Where's The Sneer? Emmett asks Brian what he did on Saturday. Mike gives Brian an accusing/worried look, because he KNOWS what Brian did on Saturday. Or, specifically, who.
Cut to Brian's loft, and there's Justin all worshipful on the bed, as Brian's naked butt approaches him. I wonder if Gale Harold has that in his contract -- how many times the show is required to show his ass. I'm just asking. He and Justin GET...IT...ON.
Back to the diner. Brian says that he made it "an early evening." Mike looks down at his plate. Emmett breaks the awkward silence: "You know, when I die, don't let them sew my mouth shut, because when I get to heaven, I want to be able to walk up to Natalie Wood and say, 'Natalie! It's Emmett! What happened that night?" Yeah, and while you're at it, ask River Phoenix this for me, would you: was the cough medicine really necessary? Now Brian's laughing. What the hell is going on around here? Debbie walks up and reminds them that they have to get to the hospital. So much for that cheery moment.
Ted's lying in the hospital. Oxygen lines and beeping monitors notwithstanding, he looks pretty good for someone in a coma. Brian, Emmett and Mike are at the nurse's desk, explaining that they're not family, just friends. Emmett: "The nurse's station. I used to think it had something to do with radio; 'All nursing, all the time.'" When Emmett's uncomfortable, he makes funny jokes. Notice, no hokey puns. In other words, can it, Michael. In the corner sits a small woman in a chair, looking for all the world like a wounded bird. She introduces herself to the boys as Ted's mom, Margaret Schmidt. She tells them that she'll give them permission to see Ted, if they need it. My heart is literally hurting, looking at this poor woman. Mike sits down to her. She's been sitting by Ted's bed all night. "And it occurred to me," she says, breaking down, "loving someone is not the same as knowing them." Word. Word, word, word, WORD. And, OUCH. Brian, out of discomfort or boredom, or something, turns away, and sees the lust of his life, a strapping young male nurse. There's like this brief white flash followed by an extreme close-up on Brian's face, an effect which is oddly supernatural, and fairly silly. Brian has nice green-gray eyes. Don't think I don't hate him for it. The nurse passes by and gives Brian The Look Of Homosexual Acknowledgement. Brian is transfixed. Mike snaps him back to the world of tragic moms and their comatose sons.
Meanwhile, at Justin's house, Mom is trying to get Justin's bratty ass out of bed. When he jumps in the shower, she sneaks a look at his sketchpad, which is in his backpack, NOT lying out in the open for easy excuse purposes. The first few pages are the usual art class drivel, but page five is like, studies of men with well-defined pecs and nice butts in tight jeans. And page six is nothing but the name "Brian" written over and over again in different sizes, shapes, and shading. "Redrum" Revisted. Justin's mom is understandably taken aback. She looks like she's about to throw up -- think how she'd feel if she actually met Brian. Justin walks back in the room, because he's out of shampoo and it's her job to get him some. I call my ob/gyn and ask how much it would cost to get my tubes tied. Unfortunately for Justin's Mom, it's not a surgery that can be performed retroactively, so she runs out of the room to get him more Prell.
Back at the hospital. Brian, Emmett and Mike peer apprehensively through the door as Brian's Conquest checks Ted's pulse. Seeing the boys, Hunky Nurse Guy draws the curtain around Ted's bed. Out in the hallway, Emmett wonders who drugged Ted in the first place. Mike figures it was probably Blake, since he'd been following Ted around all night. Emmett thinks maybe they should tell someone, but Brian's pretty emphatic responding, "No." Does Brian have plans of his own, or does he realize that any investigation in Blake's drug use is probably going to shed light on their own? Hmmmm, stay tuned. The conversation veering away from Brian's two favorite subjects -- sex and himself -- he pipes up, "You know, [Ted] was the first." Emmett and Mike look at him like, "First what?" Unless Ted was the youngest gym teacher in Pennsylvania at one time, Brian's lost us all. Brian explains, "The first almost-dead guy that I sort of had sex with." Mike's outraged once again. When did Brian have sex with Ted? I mean, how could it have happened if Mike wasn't there to interrupt it? Apparently it was the weekend JFK Jr's plane went missing. Emmett: "Oh, god, they kept showing that picture of him on the beach with his shirt off -- I didn't know whether to jerk off or to weep." The GM/SGWC snorts in agreement, nodding all around. Oh, wait, did we did we type that out loud? Mikey's practically frothing at the mouth, because he didn't get an invitation to this "semi-orgy." Brian tells him "it sort of just happened. Things do. It was Scott and Kevin and the Todds...." At the mention of the Todds, Emmett holds out his pinkie, and I nearly snort ginger ale out my nose. Brian continues, "Ted shows up with my taxes, and all of a sudden, we're doing it, and [Ted] even tried to fuck me." Brian's life is one big gay porno movie. No wonder Mike likes watching. Mike switches from being upset that he wasn't invited to being upset that Brian's explaining this in front of Ted's hospital room. Dude, you asked! Mike swings the subject back to Ted and the coma, saying it's really weird because "it could be" them. Brian: "No, it could not be us. Because we know better. We know better than to believe pretty blond boys telling us that 'it's really good shit' because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends, because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you." I'm sorry, what has this person done with Brian Kinney? Jesus, he even affectionately grasps Emmett's and Mike's shoulders. Mike, too, seems to be wondering where his real best friend is. Not that there's any rush to return him. Please. Take your time.
Justin's in English class. The teacher, all silver hair and thick black glasses, lectures on F. Scott Fitzgerald and The Great Gatsby to his stunningly uninterested students. Justin's sketching naked men. Daphne, watching him across the aisle, giggles adorably, drawing the teacher's attention just as he's talking about The Great Gatsby "capturing a particular yearning." Doh! Frowning, he asks Justin to define "yearning." Exit the Warm Fuzzies, Enter the Mallet. Justin: "Yearning is when you want something really badly, like, so badly it hurts." The football player at the front of the class, a.k.a. Chris Hobbes, is impressed. From somewhere in my apartment, the Pimp Jazz Guitar of Foreshadwing begins to play. The teacher agrees that in order for it to be yearning, it has to hurt; otherwise, it's just "wanting." Justin uses his finger to shade/smudge the butt on his sketch, surreptitiously checking out Chris, who takes the opportunity, amidst all this talk of unquenched desires, etc, to punch the shoulder of the guy in front of him, who punches him back. The result is he gets detention from the teacher -- "Mr. Hobbes, are your parents really paying for you to have another testosterone outburst?" -- and the Pimp Jazz only gets louder. As punishment, Chris will be cleaning the athletic room, instead of going to football practice. Justin, mouth hanging open like an offer, takes this all in. Apparently, he's short on bad ideas today.
Back at the hospital, Emmett and Mike have to get to work, but ask Mrs. Schmidt to call Mike on his cell phone if she needs anything. Ted's mother tells them that the doctor said Ted took some drug that she'd never heard of. Emmett replies that Ted wasn't a drug user, and Mike, for some freakin' reason, goes even farther, adding that Ted must have met someone and taken him home. The woman looks like she's going to burst into a million pieces already; thanks for switching the discretion button off, there, Mikey. She quivers, "If my son had been straight -- if he'd taken a woman home -- do you think she would have run off and left him to die?" Yes, it's an unfair question, but, personally, I know I wouldn't have. Of course, I know the phone number for 911. That being, 9-1-1.
Back at school, Chris Hobbes is cleaning up the athletic-equipment room as ordered. Justin walks in, and offers to help. I brace for a Matthew Shepherd-like beat down. Justin! No. Justin lifts some heavy box, leading Hobbes to comment, "Wow, you're pretty strong." Justin replies slyly, complete with eyebrow raise, "That's my other secret." I pause my cringing long enough to roll my eyes.
Brian's at work, and completely blocked over some ad copy. Off-screen, we hear, in the most obnoxious voice possible, "Excuse me for barging in." Of course it's Melanie. She slams her briefcase onto his desk, telling him, "This won't take long." Yeah, just long enough to work my last damn nerve. And please take note that Brian hasn't said one word to her, and she's already bringing the attitude. Melanie announces that she's Ted's attorney. Brian couldn't care less. Melanie continues that Ted made a living will, and goes off on a weird tangent about Brian needing one, too, like she suddenly remembered she's a professional, and anyway, Ted named Brian executor of his living will. Melanie tries to hand him some papers, but Brian's still pretending that she's not there, and leaves her hanging. I've been trying for three weeks, and every episode she just keeps showing up, so good luck with that. Melanie drops the papers on the desk, telling Brian that Ted has made him "responsible." For what? For deciding whether or not to pull the plug. Bum Bump Baahmmm! Brian's all, oh, HELL no! Melanie smugly says that she tried to talk Ted out of it. Brian asks how long she's known about this, and then they have a mutual fit about why she didn't tell him. Happy Brian has definitely left the building.
Back in the athletic room, Chris sits on the floor against one of the equipment cages, shirt half-open, rubbing his chest, breathing heavily. Justin tosses him a Pepsi, and we get to watch the foam burst from the can in slow motion. My mother used to tell me that if I kept rolling my eyes, they'd stick that way. This episode might just test that theory. Hobbes offers Justin a sip, and we see Justin's hand, the entrance stamp from Babylon still fresh on his hand, reach for the can. He's branded, you see. And the stamp is the sign for male (circle with the arrow coming out of it), with a "B" in the middle of the circle. "B" for Babylon. Or is it "B" for Brian, the predator that Justin is becoming? You see how they were all subtle with the symbolism? Uh huh. Not. Justin joins Chris on the floor. Hobbes starts talking about his many female conquests, not noticing that Justin's looking at him like he's an antelope on the Sahara. I'm still not sure a beat-down isn't about to occur. Whoever Chris is talking about, Justin comments that "she looked like a dyke to" him. Chris: "She's not a dyke, she's a whore." Yup. Future of America, sitting right here. Then Hobbes begins this story, which starts, like any good letter to Penthouse Forum, "You'll never believe it, but this actually happened to me!" To sum up: there's this girl who came over to interview him for the school paper. And his parents weren't home! Chris: "So, I tell her what a touchdown is like! And she grabs my dick." Yeah, she wanted an actual demonstration. ["I think Chris has seen Election once too often." -- Wing Chun] Justin's eyes are all glassy. Hobbes has his hand on his crotch while he continues that this girl had these cold rings on, but her hands were warm, and he obviously has a hard-on as he's relating this, and I'm blushing furiously, and Justin is completely transfixed. And open-mouthed once again, and this time it is an offer. Justin -- and I swear to God I thought Justin would soon be taking a hospital bed to Ted's -- Justin opens up Chris's fly with his stamped hand and starts to jack Mr. Hobbes off. And Chris lets him! No beat-down! Just a beat-off. Sorry, I couldn't help that one. Of course, their teacher walks in right as Chris ejaculates. He frowns at the two boys, who skitter about a hundred feet away from each other, and asks them, "Shouldn't you be working?" Justin was working pretty good there for a minute. Okay, so just as Brian started his career as a sexual predator when he gave his gym teacher a blow-job in the locker room, Justin starts his with the football star in the locker room. Get it? Just making sure you're paying attention.
The steam room at the boys' gym. Emmett, looking at some other guy in the room: "How come I can't get my glutes to look like that?" Mike says that maybe he's not visualizing the muscle group properly. Emmett: "Oh, I'm visualizing it all right -- on my face." Brian sits down. What's up with the producers and steam rooms? Those chicks were always in the steam room on Sisters. And there were four of them, too. Hey...."Why me?" Brian asks. "Why not his mother?" 'Cause it's all about Brian, not whether Ted gets to stay a vegetable or not. I'd like to say that this changes, but it doesn't. Brian asks Emmett why Ted didn't pick him, instead. Emmett points out that he has trouble picking out what to wear in the morning: "Who in their [sic] right mind would give me power over life and death?" Mike says he couldn't do it, either. Brian claims that he doesn't even like Ted, which Mike simply pshaws. Well, Brian says, certainly not enough to decide whether he lives or dies. Emmett's sure there's a reason. Mike: "Maybe he's secretly in love with you." Irony! Foreshadowing! Whatever. Brian, as usual, gets the lamest line: "I love you, I'm comatose, kill me." Mike says that Ted could still wake up. None of them really believes that.
Justin and Daphne on Justin's bed. No, not like that, although this could be the beginning of some sort of parallel to Brian and Lindsay's relationship. How clever. Not. Justin's just related his sordid tale about Chris Hobbes in the Athletic Room. Daphne's skeptical: "But I thought you were in love with that Brian guy." I cannot tell you how cool it is that she isn't impressed by Brian. Justin, like he's grown: "Me and Chris -- that's not love, Daphne, that's fucking." Oh, puhleeze. Daphne giggles, "Oh, and I thought it was detention." Well, watching Justin is always a little bit like detention, Daphy. Trust me. Justin's mom enters; Daphne leaves. Mrs. Taylor -- finally, a last name! -- asks Justin if he's late for art club. Justin says he quit. His mom is all upset -- Justin loves art club. In his most bratty voice -- you know, the one with the snooty inflection -- he says he's just not interested any more. Since when? Why just last week -- Justin, with a sigh, rolls his eyes and tells her, "You don't know everything about me. A week is, like, a long time. Things can change in a week." Look who knows so much just because he got laid a couple of times. Mrs. Taylor: "Well, I came in to tell you I'm going to Niketown, but you're probably not interested in that, either." Justin looks at her shyly: is it too late to change his last answer? His mom smiles, and tells him he can even drive.
Liberty Diner. Mike smiles as he watches Debbie behind the counter. Aww, so sweet. Debbie finally sees him, waves joyfully, and walks over, asking him why he's smiling at her. Mikey's all sentimental, telling her it's that thing she does when she rubs her nose, kind of like a sleepy five-year-old. Debbie knows what's up: "People wake up from comas, sweetheart." Mike's still not too sure, even when Debbie reminds him that his Uncle Vic was in a coma for ten days, "and I was sure that I'd lost him. And I couldn't even tell our mother because she didn't know it was AIDS" -- yeah, yeah, all you people who guessed "AIDS" get nothing, because, seriously, how obvious was that? -- "and I wanted to hear all about the tunnel, and the white light, and did Aunt Theresa get to heaven, and the first words out of his mouth: did I miss the Golden Globes?" Hah! Good thing he didn't miss the Oscars -- he probably would have gone right back into a coma. Debbie asks about Ted, Mike says there's been no change, but he's going back to the hospital later. Debbie kisses him, crying, and packs up some food for him to take to Ted's mom. Turkey meatloaf and lemon bars. That sounds great. And there's a diner down the street. But, aw man, it's snowing, and I can't drive in the snow. I gotta learn how to cook. ["Dude, now I want lemon bars and I just had pizza an hour ago." -- Wing Chun]
Justin and his mom are in the car. Mrs. Taylor tells him he's a good driver. Justin thanks her. No, he doesn't, because he's still Justin. Instead he shoots back, "Better than you." Awww. Hugs! Why James Van Der Beek isn't suing, I'll never know. Somehow this turns into a nice moment between the two, Justin's mom pointing out that it's been a long time since she's heard him laugh, Justin telling her that she should let him have the car, and she can just get another one. Okay, maybe not that nice. His mom laughs anyway, saying that she was twenty before she had her own car. And yes, don't scroll down, this is getting somewhere. She was twenty, and had just hooked up with her first serious boyfriend, who was a great kisser. "He could have been your father," she says. Justin: "That's stupid; then I wouldn't be me." Well, why do you think she brought it up? Justin's mom drifts off, "I learned from him what a real kiss was." Justin gags as his mom laughs. And then the bombshell: "Do you have a boyfriend, Justin?" Dude, not while he's driving the car! Are you trying to get you both killed? Justin's in shock, with the close zoom-in and the flash of bright light (what the hell is that, anyway?) to prove it. He's still driving pretty well, though -- I would have run into a ditch by now. Okay, and his mom is being really nice, too, as she tells him that he can talk to her, and she won't tell his father. Justin says he doesn't have a boyfriend. And he doesn't, even though he thinks he does, so he's not really lying, even though he actually is. His mom asks him who Brian is. Justin's shocked squared. He pulls the car over, jumps out, slams the door, and runs down the street at a breakneck pace, leaving his mom in the car. Wow, those tryouts for Junior Drama Queen of America are tough.
The hospital. Mike finds Mrs. Schmidt in the chapel, and gives her the food. Yes, Ted's still in a coma. Mrs. Schmidt says that Ted mentioned a Michael: "I asked him to tell me the name of one special friend, and he said, 'Well, there's a Michael.'" But I bet he didn't mean "special" the way I mean "special." She says that she's going to Ted's apartment after she sits with her son. Mike pales a little. She's going to get a pair of pajamas, if he wears them, because if he wakes up, he's going to need his pajamas. It's a mom thing, I guess.
When Mrs. Schmidt leaves, Mike grabs his cell and calls Emmett. Who, my god, works at a place called "Torso." Emmett's horrified, thinking that Mike's called him because Ted's dead. Mike tells him that Ted's not dead, but he's going to wish he was if he finds out that his mom went to his house. And finds his pornos. And the thirty-three dildoes the boys got him for his thirty-third birthday. What a thoughtful gift.
The Happy Fun House, a.k.a. Lindsay and Melanie's. Lindsay, holding Gus, opens the front door. It's Brian, all tricked out in a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and dark sunglasses. How very "Rebel without a Clue." I mean, "Cause." No, I mean "Clue." Brian says he doesn't have a lot of time; Lindsay replies that he has time to kiss his son, and Brian kisses him very sweetly on the forehead. Cute with the baby, again. KILLING ME, I tell you! This nice moment is obliterated by Melanie, coming down the stairs to tell Lindsay that the baby's bath is ready. She sees Brian. Brian sees her. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE! Melanie: "Did we know he was coming?" What a bitch. Brian says no; Melanie snaps that, in the future, it would be nice of him to call first. Because she's a raving bitch. Brian steps in front of her and says that he doesn't care what Ted wants -- he's not doing it. All about Brian, I'm telling you. ["I have to break in here and say I find it highly unlikely that Ted would name Brian as his executor without, you know, telling him. Though the fact that Melanie, as Ted's counsel, would sign off on such a will points to the crappitude of her mad lawyering skillz." -- Wing Chun] Melanie scoffs; she told Ted Brian would be like this. God, I hate it when she makes me side with Brian! Brian says that Ted has a mother; Melanie counters by asking who would wish this on his mother. Brian says that Ted has better friends; Melanie snarls, "That's for goddamn sure!" St. Lindsay tries to break it up; Melanie snaps, "Was I the one that barged in here at bathtime? Was that me?" Because bathtime makes all the difference, right? And he didn't barge in, Lindsay, invited him in. You remember Lindsay? The other person who lives at the Happy Fun House? SHUT UP, MELANIE. Brian, too, has had enough: "Fuck bath time, and fuck you!" WORD. Melanie throws it right back at him. Brian: "Let's cut to the chase. Get someone else. His Mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care." Lindsay tells Brian that Ted chose him. Plus, you know, Madonna's a little busy right now. Brian says that Ted chose wrong. Melanie says that she told Ted, that, too. I really, really don't like her. Melanie, with all the love in her heart: "I said, 'Brian is not the person you want to be responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic little fucking faggot!'" Charming, isn't she. They should make more of her. And tie stones around their necks and drop them in the middle of the Atlantic. "And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward!" she adds, before demanding that he get the hell out of their house. Brian looks at Lindsay, who looks down, because she's temporarily misplaced her spine. What am I saying, "temporarily"? Melanie stalks Brian to the door and then slams it behind him.
Once Brian's gone, St. L. tells Melanie that she had no right to talk to Brian like that. Melanie justifies it because Ted's in a coma, and he's looking for Brian to "show the decency, the kindness to release him." Which isn't a tough choice to make, or anything, and there I am defending Brian again. God, I hate this woman. Lindsay says that since Brian is the one who has to make the decision, that's even more reason to be kind to him. What if it were one of them, and the other had to make the call? Pull the plug on Melanie? If Lindsay didn't want to do it, I'd volunteer; she wouldn't have to find Madonna. Then, as always, Lindsay turns around and justifies Melanie's behavior by saying that maybe she yelled at Brian because she would be as scared and angry as he is, if she were in his position. Like Melanie doesn't act that way all the damn time. They touch foreheads, sharing a nice lesbian moment. I'm still waiting for one clue why Lindsay is with this shrew. One. Possibly they haven't gotten there, yet. I'll give it two more episodes. Fair warning.
Meanwhile, at the Friendly Neighborhood Sex Club, hot naked gay men make out. Brian walks in, grabs some guy and starts kissing him. Another guy joins in, then another, pulling up Brian's clothes, practically devouring him. There's moaning, there's kissing, and then all of a sudden, Brian pushes them all away. He puts his dark sunglasses back on and strolls right out again. Brian Kinney turns down fast, anonymous sex. First the smiling, and now this. And there's not even a full moon. Wow, he must really be upset, huh?
At Daphne's house, Justin is freaking out. His mom knows! Justin decides he's got to find Brian. Daphne, who can smell a contrived excuse as well as I can, asks him why. Justin says that Brian will know what to do. About what? Your mom knows you're gay. She apparently doesn't have a problem with it. I mean, there wasn't even yelling or threats of disowning involved. My mother had a worse reaction when I changed my hairstyle. Daphne, getting to the heart of the matter: "Like he cares." Word. Justin, replies, knowingly, "He wants me." Shut up, Justin. Daphne, instead of telling Justin he's a blithering idiot, asks him, politely, how he can tell. Justin: "Because I can. I'm going to live with him. I'm going to be with him. You'll see." Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe Justin's completely sober. He says she has to help him, Daphne tells him that she's grounded because she stayed out so late on Saturday. Daphne: "My mom said she'd better come home and find me reading Toni Morrison." Rent the movie instead. God, no, what am I saying? Buy the Cliff Notes. Justin gives her the "I'm a poor helpless little gay boy whose parents don't understand him, and I wasn't ready to come out yet, and it's no fun if I can't sneak around, please help MEEEE!!" look, which she buys, because she, too, is seventeen, and has no perspective and a deep need for drama. Daphne agrees to drive him to Brian's: "You do beat Beloved." ["He so does not, but whatever." -- Wing Chun] In the war between live drama and literary drama, live drama always wins. Here endeth the lesson.
Ted's condo. Mike rushes to the refrigerator for some reason, while Emmett nervously centers a lamp in the dining room. Mike tells him to knock it off and look for the dildoes. Mike starts pulling things out of the fridge -- "Poppers, cheddar, brie." Emmett replies, "I don't think there are particularly strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael." Yeah, seriously, his Mom already knows he's gay. I don't think the brie is going to be too much of a shock. Mike shoos Emmett away to the bedroom, while he starts ransacking the drawers underneath the TV, where the porn lives. And...a tape of You've Got Mail. Michael: "He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?" Ewww. A big black dildo hits him in the head. Emmett trills, "Found themmmm!" Mikey picks up the realistically shaped dildo just as Emmett jumps into frame, wielding another one. He and Mike start a Dildo Duel. Mikey gets his butt kicked, not to mention whacked a couple of times. Emmett even sits on him in triumph. Emmett rules! Then they go back to de-gaying the place, continuing on to Ted's bedroom. Mike looks through the drawers, while Emmett opens up the armoire -- and finds a shrine to Michael on the inside of the door. Pictures galore; all that's missing is a candle. Um...Michael's understandably disturbed.
Outside Brian's condo, Justin buzzes the intercom. No answer. Justin stands in the middle of the street and screams up at the apartment. Okay, Stan, chill out. Stella's not home. Brian's neighbors yell at Justin to shut up. Shut UP, Justin. Daphne honks her horn, because he's about to get her in trouble again. Re-thinking that book, aren't you, Daphne? It's okay. I still love you. Justin needs to find Brian, though. He MUST FIND BRIAN. Daphne suggests asking "the crazy lady," that being Debbie. I contemplate referring to her that way from now on, but she made me cry. She's reprieved.
Lizard Lounge. Mike: "Well, what do you think it means?" Emmett: "I think it means he likes you." Snark. Mike: "I think it means he loves me." Emmett: "It's flattering, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics." Mike mutters that all this time, he never knew. Well, duh. Michael Novotny, Master of the Obvious. Emmett replies that there's a lot that they don't know about each other: "Like, did you know I would walk down the street in Hazel, Mississippi, and the postman would spit at me?" Ouch. God, people can be such assholes. Mike responds that he doesn't know where his father was born, or even who he was. Emmett counters, "I sat with my dead grandmother for a hour and held her hand, before I told anyone she was dead." Is this supposed to make them feel better? Because it's depressing the hell out of me. Mike grabs Emmett's hand. Emmett, "How come we never tell each other these things, huh?" I don't know, because you don't want to end up sticking your head in the oven? Just my guess.
Debbie's house. Justin's at the door. I don't know how he found out where she lives, but Debbie, you have my permission to shoot the person who told him. Christ, this kid. Chill out! Debbie puts a hand on her and hip and says, "Don't tell me -- Brian, right?" It's always Brian. And if anyone should be hostile towards Brian, it's Debbie. Maybe she and Melanie have some sort of deal. Justin nods eagerly. Because she's P-FLAG mother to the world, she invites him in for a sandwich. I snicker, because Justin was already a part of a sandwich Saturday night. Justin, realizes that this whole food thing is probably going to take a while, tells her that he just needs to know where to find Brian. Debbie tells him not to talk -- she gets it. Justin shuts up, which just goes to show that miracles do happen. Thank you, Debbie. She picks up the phone, and then smiling grimly, says into the phone, "Michael? It's me. You've got 'Male.'"
Brian's loft. He's back home, unless he just ignored the intercom! Can't imagine why he wouldn't want to see Justin. Aside from the obvious, that is. Lindsay's there, wearing a fairly cool yellow-pants-and-patterned-t-shirt combo, and a blue leather jacket. I think those are her maternity pants, but I'm not going to rag on her, because it's about time we saw a woman on television who wasn't a size two. Yeah, yeah, I know, Camper gets political. Bite me. Lindsay tells Brian that Melanie feels "terrible about what she said." She does not. Brian's back to not caring. Lindsay says Ted's condition is upsetting for all of them, "but at times like this, we could try showing a little compassion." For Melanie? I don't think so. And if she's so sorry, why doesn't her sorry butt show up and apologize in person. Or pick up the phone? Lindsay adds, "Especially for Ted." Yeah, okay, 'cause Melanie gets nothing, whether she likes it or not. Lindsay asks if there's been any change. Brian replies, "The machines say he's still alive. What about us?" Brace for the philosophy: "We don't have any machines or wires telling us that we're alive. I guess we just have to take each other's word." QaF never has the Violins Of Angst when we need them. Lindsay: "Maybe we know from what people expect from us. I mean, take Gus. He needs me to feed him, change him. Knowing that tells me I'm alive. Right now, it's him." Brian asks what about him, because that's enough talking about someone else. Lindsay replies that Ted needs him: "So maybe that's what tells you that you're alive. You'll do the right thing. Whatever it is." Brian tells her that she doesn't know that, and I'm not taking odds on that, either.
Ted's hospital room. Brian's sitting by his bed. He runs his hand over Ted's face and then starts the Emmy clip, although they're going to have to bleep out most of it: "Fuck you. Fuck you for going home with some tweaked-out little twinkie and thinking you got lucky. Did he let you eat his ass? Did he let you suck his cock? Well, I hope it was worth it. And fuck you for choosing me. I ought to let you lie here forever; how'd you like that?" But he doesn't mean it. Emotionally Torn Brian, with the fast action lip-wobble. Brian tells Ted that he's not so bad-looking: "In fact, you look better like this. You should die more often." Good, I wasn't the only one who noticed. "Or live, so I don't have to say yes. Yeah, I'll do it. I'll give you what you want, what you need. But don't think it's for you, it's not. It's for me." All about the Brian. Brian feels a hand on his shoulder. It's the hunky nurse. And I swear to God, what happens was so out of the blue, I honestly thought it was a dream sequence. He and the nurse get it on right there in the room, in the bed to Ted's. Not exactly professional behavior. Well, not if your profession is a nurse.
Pan to Ted who slowly opens his eyes, and slowly looks over to the bed. He closes his eyes and sighs. "Jesus," he mutters. I fall off the couch laughing.
Debbie's house. Mike's shown up, and boy, is he pissed. This is my house, blah, blah, blah, go home, you little brat. Justin, stuffing his face, says he can't, his mom knows. Attention Justin: THIS IS A GOOD THING. GO HOME. Debbie tries to point this out to him, offering to take Mrs. Taylor to her P-FLAG meetings: "I'll get her a t-shirt and a button." Oh, my god, there is a dress requirement! RUN! Mike's like, Ma! Debbie retorts, "I'm proud to have a gay son!" Mike and the rest of the universe: "We KNOW!" Debbie adds that she's proud to have a gay brother, too. Vic, who's taking his pills, grins. Debbie: "I've always said it isn't who you love, but how you love. Genitalia is only God's way of accessorizing." Obee-kaybe. Vic cracks up. Mike says, "This is not about you and the Gay Mother of the Year Award, this is about Brian's one-night stand." Justin snidely informs him it wasn't just once. Mike's like, whatever, get out of my house: "Who here even cares?" Vic: "I do." Me, too, but only because I have to. Justin, lying through his food-filled little teeth, shoots back, "My dad threatened to disown me! He called me a Big Queer!" Vic, in a tone more gossipy than concerned, frankly: "He didn't hit you, did he?" No, but I'll bet you he's been sorely tempted a time or two. Justin says that's why he has to see Brian: "He'll let me stay with him." Mike laughs in his face. Justin, panicking, "Well, then I'll go to New York! I'll become a hustler, and I'll sell my body to gross old homos!" This boy doesn't need food, he needs a Valium. And to burn his copy of Less than Zero. NOW. Vic: "I'll give you twenty bucks." Debbie swats him on the shoulder. Vic frowns, "It'll save him the train fare!" Hah! Justin claims he's going to throw up. Debbie directs him to the "upstairs bathroom, the one for guests and drama queens." Word. Justin flees up the stairs. Mike and Vic bust up. Debbie tells him it's not a joke: "Gay teens have a very high suicide rate." All together with Mike, now: "Unfortunately, not this one." Debbie hits him, but she can't reach MEEE! Mike calls Brian on his cell.
Up in Mike's old room, Justin's snooping around. He takes a picture of Brian and Mike off the bulletin board and smirks at it.
Down in the kitchen, Debbie insists on calling Mrs. Taylor, because even if Justin is telling the truth, his mom's bound to be worried. Vic tells her that his mom isn't worried, because now she knows -- it isn't drugs or alcohol, or guns, "it's just cock." And if that's a sin, then we're all guilty! Mike nods in agreement. Exactly.
Brian's here. He's all smiling, like he means it. That's going to take some getting used to, right now, I'm just scared again. Brian grasps Vic's shoulder, and the two exchange a quick grin -- a nice subtle reminder that Brian's been in this family's lives for decades. Character development at last. Mike tells Brian that Justin won't leave, and Brian has to make him. Brian says, "Fine," and heads upstairs. Mikey's all grumpy: "This is not how I wanted to spend my evening!" I can see that: living Brian's life is how he spends most of his evenings, so it's about time he's looking for a change. Brian turns around and tells the Novotnys that Ted woke up -- just says it casually, and bounds up the stairs to talk some sense into the minor.
Mike's bedroom. Justin hears the door open behind him, and smiles, because he knows who it is. Brian asks him what he's doing there. Justin replies, "Waiting for you." Cue up the sexy techno music.
In the kitchen, Debbie's talking to her boys about Ted: "I like Ted. There's a real sweetheart in there, somewhere." Mike's not listening. Able to sniff out Brian having sex within a hundred yards, he suspiciously looks up at the ceiling.
In Mike's bedroom (!), Justin tries to kiss Brian, and is pushed back. He tries again, and is pushed back again. Then Brian gives up, or whatever, and grabs Justin and kisses him, and they start gettin' it on. In Mike's bedroom. I know it's supposed to be this, like, symbolic thing of picking up where Mike and Brian left off fifteen years ago, but seriously, set phasers on "tacky." At least Brian's got his prerequisite two sex acts in this ep. And we get to watch, lucky us.
Down in the kitchen, Debbie's decided that she and Mike are taking Justin home. Mike doesn't want to go. Debbie points out that it's better him than Brian. Word. Vic adds, "And I can't go -- it'll look too much like Fagin and Oliver Twist." Yeah, pretty much. Brian and Justin come back to the kitchen. Debbie tells him she's calling his mother and taking him home. Justin says he's not going. Debbie sticks her finger in his face: "You get my tits in a knot, sunshine, and you're going to be in deep shit." In other words, Justin's going. Justin sulks down into a chair. Brian snickers. Michael glares at him. Brian, amazingly, looks -- wait, let me get my heart medication -- Brian actually looks guilty! Mike tells Debbie that he needs to speak to Brian before they leave. And this is exactly what he says: "You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him at the gym, you can fuck him at the zoo. But not in my mother's house. In my room!" Mikey gets his balls back! Woohoo! I knew he could do it. Yay! Brian is shocked. Suck it up, sweetheart. Mike says he's going with his mother, and then he's going to the hospital: "You can do whatever the fuck you want!" Go, Mikey, go Mikey, it's your birthday, Go Mikey!
Mike's driving, and Debbie's babbling about how people become gay. Mikey's scowling. Justin's smirking at him in the mirror. I wonder if Mikey wants to smack him around as much as I do. Doubt it. Debbie: "Now, they say you can tell by the length of your index fingers. Although all Mike's fingers are the same length -- he should have three kids and a beer belly by now." Yeah, yeah, we know, Hal Sparks isn't really gay. We get it. Mike tells Debbie to knock it off. Justin's all pleased with himself for getting Brian to fuck him again. The kid will never learn.
Justin's house. Debbie pushes the doorbell, which plays a whole first bar of some song or another. Debbie's impressed: "Not like the old buzzer at our house, huh?" Because they're on the right side of the tracks, now. Justin's mom opens the door, and she's never looked more like Martha Stewart, up to and including the "who the hell are you?" look on her face. Like, the circus hasn't just come to town, but is going door-to-door to remind you. Debbie nervously tells her that she has "real nice chimes. You have a real nice place here." Just as Mrs. Taylor says thanks, Justin bursts out from behind Mike and Debbie, and, adjusting his Junior Drama Queen of America sash, stalks past his mom, glaring at her briefly -- because this is all her fault, right? -- and up to his room. His mom, as he's rushing rudely past her, tries to hug him, or stop him, or something. Ouch. This ep is doing nothing but tugging at my little heartstrings, isn't it? Debbie: "Rude little shit, isn't he?" There is that. Mrs. Taylor is trying not to cry. Debbie introduces herself and Mike. Mrs. Taylor looks at Mike for a second and then shakes Debbie's hand. She's Jennifer Taylor. Wow, how WASPy. Inside the house, an older male voice asks who's at the door. Jennifer Taylor, holding the pieces of her life together, answers that it's "no one." YO, didn't Mr. Taylor notice his kid's missing? Mike flinches at her words. Debbie nods, understanding. Debbie tells her if she ever needs to talk to someone, she works at the Liberty Diner. Jennifer looks at her like it's a stretch she's even talking to Debbie outside her doorway. Debbie says that she knows what Jennifer's going through: "Heck, I always knew about Michael. In fact I told him, right? To spare him the pain of having to tell me." And the mallet rears its ugly head, once again. Debbie finishes, "Don't ask 'are you'? Because it's never a question. Just say, 'I know.'" Another Emmy-worthy moment. Stiffly, Mrs. Taylor thanks them, gestures inside, and goes in and closes the door without saying goodbye.
Walking down the driveway, Mike gripes at Debbie about talking too much. Debbie says that she was trying to help. Mike shoots back, "You try too much." Mike's obviously embarrassed about their relative poverty: "You're still wearing that old coat," he tells her. She replies, "Someday you'll buy me a mink coat. Someday you're going to be a big success." Mike scoffs: "Yeah, right, you'll freeze to death first." Debbie smacks him right upside the head. Mike's like, what the hell? Debbie tells him that he can be a total asshole. And a whiny one at that. Debbie: "You don't know yourself. 'Know thyself'! Some Greek said that. Who was it?" Mike: "Zorba?" EHHHH! Thanks for playing, Mikey, but it was Socrates. I think. Unless it was Emerson. Ah, geez, now I'm going to have to look it up.
Ted's hospital room. Ted's up, and packing! Yay! His mom asks him cautiously, "Are you sure I can't help?" Ted says he's got it, and that he's already asked the boys to drive him home. He and his Mom are fairly uncomfortable with each other, but oddly affectionate. Mrs. Schmidt recites their names, much to Ted's surprise; she met them while he was "sleeping." She says that they're very nice, especially Michael. Oooooh! Ted replies, "Yeah, Michael is...especially special." His mother asks if there's anything going on there, and Ted confirms that they are just friends. Ted's mom says Michael was very kind to her: "You're lucky to have him." Ted says that he knows. Ted's mom: "Because more than anything, I worry that you're alone. And that there's no one to look after you." Ted says he can take care of himself, and his Mom knows that he's always been very independent. She "just wish[es] [he] had someone to love [him]. Because maybe if [he] did, this wouldn't have happened." My Kleenex box is entirely too far from the couch. She apologizes: "But I can't help thinking, if you hadn't woken up, then I would never have gotten the chance to let you know how proud I am that you're my son." Awww! No more making Camper cry! I've shed enough tears this week, trust me. She says that it doesn't matter that he's gay, because she got over that a long time ago. "Whenever you're feeling alone, or that no one loves you, it's not true. Because I do." Ted thanks her, stiffly, obviously not knowing what to do with that information, even though he's deeply touched by it. Both actors were excellent in that scene. And they're making me miss my mommy.
Ted's house. The boys, whole in number once again, enter carting bags of groceries. Ted looks around and moves his lamp back to slightly off-center. Probably has something to do with how far his hand has to reach in order to turn it on and off comfortably, I mean, that's how the lamps are set up in my place. Ted complains about having to stay in the hospital an extra three days. Emmett replies, "They wanted to make sure you were still alive." Brian adds, "On your best days, it's hard to tell." Snark. Mike tells him that they moved his dildoes and his porn. Ted: "Well, I expect all thirty-three back. Cleaned." Word. Brian and Emmett snicker knowingly. Yeah, uh, eww. Ted says he' not hungry and wanders back into his bedroom. Mike: "We bought you a whole fucking chicken!" Brian: "And you're going to eat it!" I could get used to this new Brian. He's smiled like two times in this scene alone. Can't possibly last. I'll be calling him an asshole by the end of the first week of the New Year, guaranteed.
Mike follows Ted back into the bedroom. Ted says it says it all looks weird: "Your life. Especially after a near-death experience." Mike says it's like the Oscars, "Immediately preceded by" -- they join on the last part -- "the Barbara Walters Special." They laugh. Ted, leaning on the Armoire of Hidden Love, tells Mike that he's glad that he's there. Mikey's flustered, and can't stop looking at the armoire. Ted's like, what heck is wrong with you? Babbling runs in the Novotny family. BEHOLD: "Well, um, uh, I'm glad you're here, too. And if you ever want to talk about this, or other stuff...you know, if there's something that you can't talk about. I don't know. Maybe if you talk about it, it might help it. But you know, you might not get what you want." Ted's like, what hell are you talking about? Yeah, I was there when it happened, and I'm not even sure. Brian pops his head in: "Are you going to come eat the chicken?" Doesn't look like it. Oh, you mean the dead chicken. Mike, recover quickly! Stalking off into the living room, he says, "I'm going to go arrange the daisies." Or not.
Ted tells Brian that he saw him sexing up the nurse. In his hospital room. In the bed to him. Phaser still stuck on "tacky." Or "sticky," depending on how you look at it. Ted: "I thought, I'm in hell. And this is my punishment: watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity." Well, it's not eternity, but I've got seventeen episodes to go; that's at least thirty-four more times I get to watch Brian Kinney fucking, so can I get some props over here, please? Thank you. Brian asks Ted why he chose him. Ted: "My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could. Because you're a heartless shit. You can pull the plug, and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it was time to go." He pats Brian on the cheek and walks out of the room. Brian actually looked wounded at the "heartless shit" part, so I guess self-absorption isn't necessarily self-awareness. Oh, well. Better luck episode.
Babylon! Brian and Mike are in the middle of the dancing hordes, moving just enough that we can't quite notice that neither of them can dance. Brian yells at Mike over the loud music, "I want it to be you," and then repeats it when Mike can't hear him. Mike grins, "I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug." Brian, smiling: "And you pull mine." And Michael and Brian boogie the night away. Very cool. I like this show much better when everyone's nice to each other without taking any shit. I give this episode a B+, actually. It doesn't get an A because Melanie still exists and Brian's sex scenes are becoming more random than usual, but I'm kind of at loss here. If I'm going to be recapping true quality programming, I'll have to check out the West Wing recaps and see how it's done.