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Things are getting tight at the Atlas Building. You can just feel the tension, as everyone gets closer to the finish line. Heidi tells the designers that "Image Is Everything," then sends them to hear about the rest of the challenge from Tim. He tells the designers that fashion and music are closely related. The challenge is to create a signature style for this band, The Sheepdogs, who are an unsigned band that will be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone because they won this voting thing. The winning look will be featured in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone and they'll be working in two teams of four. Ugh. Teams. This is a button bag venture and Tim chooses, for the first team, Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly and Josh. That means Laura, Bert, Anthony and Anya are a team. We get flashbacks to how horribly Laura, Bert and Anthony worked together the first time. That was painful. Then, we meet the band. They look like Sheep Dogs. That means menswear. Everybody's freaked. They start to play and Olivier almost passes out because it's just too loud for him. Each designer will work specifically on the look for a specific band member.
Anya calls their team Team Harmony right off the bat, as a clever way of warding off the usual crap. The other team is Team Untitled. At Mood, Bert loans Laura money for supplies, which is a cute little moment. Olivier is again upset that he's working with someone who takes up space on the planet. Josh takes off his pants to use himself as a model or to once again show the world his ass, I'm not sure. Anya and Viktor talk some really reasonable smack about Olivier and how he can't work with people. This is a Garnier challenge, so we get to see a long segment of the boys in the band getting their hairs did. Bert is in trouble right out of the gate. His look is just weird and feminine and, well, let's be real -- Bert is not cool. Cool is Key West and Bert lives in Maine. The drummer for this band is so cute and should have babies with Anya. Josh is worried about being too gay for his rocker, but his crotch-emphasizing stylings are a hit with the client. Olivier's fitting is embarrassing for the poor client. He should rename the band Body Dysmorphia.
Adam Lambert is the guest judge! The boys come out to play while wearing the new designs. Team Harmony looks BUSTED. I guess Anthony's is OK and I secretly don't mind Anya's that much, but mostly they just look really dated and silly. Team Untitled is not that much better. Viktor's is so easily the best. Olivier's is such a disaster. Bert's? Not horrible. Anya gets her first bad critique and takes it really hard. So, Anya, Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom. Viktor wins the challenge! Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom two and it's Olivier that goes home. Viktor gets to see his look get photographed and he's super proud.
Want more? The full recap starts right below! The designers were paired with guys to create looks for their wives or girlfriends. Olivier was beside himself designing for a person who moves and breathes. Josh won the challenge, while Bryce got the boot.Once again, the sun has risen over the Atlas Building. No offense to him because he seemed lovely, but, with Bryce gone, it seems like the designers are aware that it's totally game on. Everyone here is strong now. Josh says that the competition is exhausting and you have to have a lot of endurance to... endure. Anya interviews that everyone who remains (including Bryce, I'd imagine) are friends, but "friends are friends until there's high stakes." If that doesn't solve the mystery of the food poisoning of the entire Scandavian bloc of Miss Universe contestants in 2008, you're not paying attention. Olivier tells us that he started the competition strong, got lost along the way and is trying to get back into the winner's circle. Oh, Olivier. He seems less and less capable of life in the real world to me. All the time. Maybe he's really uncomfortable on camera? Or maybe he's doing that thing that I've see young creatives affect -- that sort of savant thing. I don't know, but I wouldn't want to have lunch with it. Anyway, he's a weirdo and I think he's doing it on purpose. Watching the fat people comments now, he knew full well that he was saying something a little rude.
At Parsons, Heidi meets the designers on the runway wearing this short dress with long flowy sleeves with cut-outs at the shoulders that I feel like Nina Garcia would try to set on fire if she could. She tells the designers that she has one thing to say about the challenge: "Image is Everything." Hmm. She tells the designers to go meet Tim. Anthony is pulled into this show's ridiculous game of Let's Decipher Heidi's Frankly Usually Indecipherable Clue About The Challenge and wonders if they'll be looking at old pictures of rock stars. I feel like maybe the designers have started to refuse to play along to this game and are being fed words from a refrigerator jumble magnet poetry set or something. I would say, "Flowers. Verily."
The designers are to meet Tim at.... OK, I'm back. I just spent a really long time figuring out what the hell Heidi just said. Her accent is usually not a problem, but the word "Rockwood" may be her Waterloo, though you might think she's saying "Rotterloo," as she seems to pronounce those consonants the same way. Time Warner and I need to talk about them fixing the closed captioning on my cable. So, they aren't meeting Tim at Walkwood Music Hall, because there is no such place. Instead, they'll be going to Rockwood Music Hall to hear about the rest of the challenge.
Tim is standing on a small stage with Peter Butler, consulting stylist for Garnier. That must be a kick-ass job. I can't imagine that there is much of a time commitment for style consulting for a company that doesn't create the style but rather the products used to create the style. That's like being a consulting chewer for Trident. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but it's Reductive Day! Rejoice! Tim announces that the designers must all be aware that there is a big connection between music and fashion as they are both profound forms of self-expression. Also, I remember taking away this one thing from an Intro to Film class in college (at the time, the largest class in the largest school in the country -- it felt like we were a small city seeking refuge from a hurricane or aliens or something, killing time by talking about how Sandra Bullock's character in Speed was a reflection of how America felt about Los Angeles and, by extension, urban America. That observation still holds up pretty well, actually) about how music and fashion were the most immediate reflections of culture, along with film. I'd never really thought of fashion like that, more as a survival of the fittest ideas about what people would like. It's obvious to me now, seeing how fashion reflects things that are already happening (i.e. space exploration, hippies, exposure to Asian culture, etc.), but I'd spent three years in overalls and tank tops at the time. Tim uses The Beatles and Lady Gaga as example. Then, he says that no periodical has featured more musicians and fashion on its covers more than Rolling Stone. True dat. Garnier and Rolling Stone have joined forces to "make rock and roll history" by presenting an unsigned band on the cover, a band chosen by popular vote. Meh. Sadly, I think this speaks less to genius ideas and more to the problem of the dwindling readership that Rolling Stone has. But, it's going to take a genius idea to solve that problem, so I'll just shut up about that. The Sheepdogs are the winning band. That's not a good sign, their name being Sheepdogs. It makes me think Sheep dog, which does not make me think FASHION. Peter belts, though he's got a mic I'm sure, that it's not all about music for musicians. It's also about having an iconic style. He says that their challenge is to take The Sheepdogs to the level, creating a signature style for them while staying true to who they are as artists. The winning look will be feature in an advertorial in Marie Claire as well as in Rolling Stone. Everyone seems psyched. Everyone but Bert. He's too busy thinking about that time he drank reposado out of a toothbrush holder at Gloria Gaynor's house then made out with Karen Carpenter's tour manager. Memories? Was Tim there?
Tim says that they will be working in two teams of four. Everyone just laughs. I mean, really, what else is there to do? It's all the button bag this time. Team one is Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly and Josh. Laura just turns around and tells Bert to give her a high-five. She interviews that she is the only person who has been stuck with Bert from the beginning. She doesn't get a break. Someone wants her and Bert to be together. Anthony interviews that the last time he and Bert and Laura were on a team together, it crashed and burned. Then, we get to see that horrible runway judging with him and Bert going at each other replete with uncomfy reaction shots from Heidi and Michael Kors.
Then, Tim introduces The Sheepdogs. Kimberly says, "Oh crap. It's Men's (gulp) Wear." She has never done menswear and doesn't know where to begin. Neither has Anya. Josh says that menswear is more involved, in terms of fit and tailoring. Then, the guys start playing and Olivier, delicate flower that he is, just can't handle the loud noises. He just gets odder, no? Bert notices this and remarks that indeed Olivier is a delicate personality. They sound like a lot of bands you've heard and seen. They know how to play their instruments well and they harmonize nicely. Afterwards, Laura asks them for a general idea of what their style is. The lead singer, Ewan, says that they are inspired by classic sounds, so that is where most of their style choices come from (i.e. jeans, boots, denim, suede). Sam, the super-cute drummer, says that he really likes this dashiki with a low-cut neck and big sleeves. Anya loves the idea of modernizing that shape. Josh is drawn to the style of Ryan, the bassist. He saw Ryan's snakeskin cowboy boot and was on board. Leot, the lead guitarist, says that he's been looking for red jeans. Laura says that, if she can make an awesome pair of red jeans, she's sure to win the challenge. Olivier is not worried at all, as he already does menswear. Each team will create looks for the whole band and each designer will be responsible for the head-to-toe look of one band member. The teams need to decide who will be working with which band member. Tim doesn't want the teams to worry too much about cohesion, but they should make sure that the band members look like they came from the same planet. So, cohesive? I don't know. Viktor feels relieved that cohesion is not a big element of the challenge. Or, is it? He knows that he make a stunning outfit without it having to match everyone's looks on his team.
So, the teams get together and Anya gets the drummer, Laura gets red jeans guy, Anthony takes snakeskin boots and that leaves Bert with the lead singer. Laura asks him if he's OK with that and he is. See? That was easy! Anya just puts it out there that they will be Team Harmony. I can't get over how cool she is and how I need her in my life. The other team names themselves Team Untitled, which is clever. Kimberly will be designing for the drummer, Olivier is getting the singer, Josh gets boots dude and Viktor is going to design for red jeans guy. They decide on a Western theme (or planet). Olivier remarks that he got the biggest guy.
When they start designing, Team Harmony seems harmonious. Bert says he'll come in handy with the vintage stuff, as he happened to live through this era. Anthony interviews that he's not sure Bert can actually remember living through this era. At Mood, neither Laura nor Viktor can find red denim. Laura decides to dye some denim. Anya has a really hard time finding the fabrics that she wants. She seems really self-aware about her shortcomings though, so maybe she can pull something out. Olivier is really slow and Tim is just not fucking having it. I get the sense that he really doesn't like Olivier very much. Laura seriously overspends and Bert has a lot of money left over, which he gives to her. Laura says that she takes back everything she said about him and he laughs and tells her to just take back what she's gonna say. She lies that she never talks badly about him and they hug. I know it's not even worth wishing for because they are never really satisfying, but I'd love to see this on a reunion show.
Back at Parsons, they get to work. Kimberly is singing the Sheepdog song that they heard. That's cute. Olivier is beside himself because Ewan is larger than his mannequin. I mean, since they have the measurements, it seems like they could have gotten him a mannequin with the proper chest size, right? Josh says that this challenge is every man for himself. Meanwhile, he's not wearing pants and fitting pants on himself as he displays his black bikini-clad hairy boohiney. This kid. I'll give him this, it's a nice ass. I guess the odds of having a nice ass when you're a total ass just got greater.
Alone, Viktor tells Anya that he's anxious to see what Olivier makes, though she points out that he bought the same sorts of materials that he always buys. They both agree that he cannot work with clients. We see Olivier butting heads with that woman from the last challenge. I realize that she was a bit of a boob, but he really could have done a better job with that. Also, Anya tells Viktor that Olivier thought that he would win the last challenge, to which Viktor offers a simple yet telling, "Huh."
Tim comes into the workroom with Peter Butler. He's going to consult with the designers. They go to the hair lab with the Sheepdogs. It's really just an opportunity for Garnier to talk about their different products. Ewan says that he's not shaving any of his beard. Oh well.
Laura asks Viktor how often he makes menswear. He designs for himself but has made some oxford shirts for friends. Olivier is confident and feels that the band will be open-minded about what they are going to try. Work. Work. End of day.
The morning, everybody seems really tired. Kimberly is still freaking out about how little she knows about designing menswear. Bert tells the guys that he has no extra fabric for his pants. Everyone wonders if he'll have enough, but he seems fine.
At the workroom, Viktor says that he has a lot of work to do. Bert dyes his fabric, expecting a dark blue -- but it came out purple instead. He says that he sort of likes it and hopes that Ewan will. Laura says that, since they don't have to be cohesive, Bert can go ahead and create a dopey look, because neither she nor anyone else on their team is going to design for him. So nice, this one.
Tim comes in for a consultation. He laughs at Viktor fitting his pants on himself, but at least Viktor has the decency to cover his ass. I'd rather see his, frankly. We start with Laura and Leot. He's not crazy about how low-cut the shirt she's making is, as he's apparently shy about his copious chest hair. It's time to take The Sheepdogs to the groomers. To be fair, even though I hate her, Laura is really cool and personable with this dude. She gives him all she's got. Tim tells the drummer that Anya is a master with prints. Adam is his name and he tells her that her design is looking good, but I wonder if that's mostly because he's knocked out by how she looks. I don't sleep with girls, but I'd seriously do a lot to win the favor of Miss Anya. Anthony seems a little nervous around Ryan. He shows him a wood print, which Ryan likes. Anthony is really cute right here. Bert meets with Ewan and apparently Olivier has a problem with how purple Bert's prints are. Tim thinks it's feminine and fat Owen agrees. Bert calls his shirt a blouse which only makes Tim laugh harder.
Viktor says he wants to make his guys look "crispier." Tim is worried about the work he's doing on the denim looking cheap. Laura thinks that pleather is too cushy. Whatever, Lady! Kimberly presents her stuff and the drummer does not really get it. Poor Kim. She's trying. This is not her thing. She says that she's borrowing fabric and Anthony laughs about it and she seems jokingly (but kind of serious) offended. Anya worries that Kimberly will win because she loaned her some fabric. Josh shows his idea, which has a zipper on the crotch. Tim is worried about it drawing the eye there, but that's exactly what Josh wanted. I mean, seriously, that's just natural. He's worried about being too feminine, but his dude likes it. Olivier pitches a really weird shirt but the client doesn't wear it. Tim asks Olivier if he thinks he can finish in time and he says he can, even though he always has too many design elements and is, let's face it -- something savant-like and will never do things normally in this competition, like, for instance, not pin his hair back in bobby pins in a way that seems constrictive.
Bert has to make his garments not purple. Viktor is excited about his leather jacket. Olivier says that it's hard to be excited about dressing people you never cared about, like "plus sized people." He says that we might call him ignorant, but I don't think he really cares about being called that. Josh and Anthony are worried about him.
There's another fitting. Poor super fat Ewan (he's not really fat at all and probably gets more tail than Mark Sanchez. Well... not Mark Sanchez, but you get my gist. Right?) Kimberly is still freaking out about what to do for the mens. Viktor has to take out the back of his pants because the front don't fit over all the peepee on the premises. I kind of like that. Olivier makes Ewan feel really uncomfortable. Josh says that any flat pattern maker would have done better than Olivier. They all scramble to try to get stuff done.
The day of the runway show, they're all working hard to create a finalist's look. They send the guys to hair and make-up. Anya is worried that she and Kimberly are in the bottom.
Heidi introduces the judges, including chubby Adam Lambert. The band comes out and starts playing and we see the clothes. They're all awful. I don't know what to say people. I've never seen anything like it. In fact, I've lowered the score for this week's recaplet as I usually base it on a sort of excitement scale and this week wasn't exactly un-exciting, but.... Honestly? These are the ugliest clothes that have ever been made on this show. I don't even know what to say about them. Josh made some crotchy pants? They look pretty good. Urgh. Honestly though, the rest of it is just the worst. Funny thing though, I like the band more and more.
Afterwards, Heidi speaks to Team Harmony. The boys come out and Heidi thanks The Sheepdogs for taking part. Michael doesn't see the swagger in their team. Nina thinks it's all expected. But, then, they say that Adam is original, which is untrue and wrong. They are torn over Laura's look. Michael thinks that her red tie-dye top looks like somebody got cut. Nina hates it. They don't really hate Bert's look. Owen has pig tails in braids, which is super cool and Nina loves it. Also, fuck Olivier. This dude is mad sexy. Plus size? Try Plus Me. Holla. I want to shoot myself. Heidi doesn't like the pigtails but she's stupid. Anya's look gets a big no. They think her guy looks like Pocahontas. Adam doesn't think it looks like fashion, probably because it doesn't have any glitter on it. What? Did I say that out loud. Whatever, it really is bad. Heidi thinks that Anthony's look is OK, but she wishes that the pants were tighter. Yeah, they should've been tighter.
Backstage, Anya is freaked out about her critique. She doesn't want to go home for something that she doesn't even know. Then, the other team comes out. Ewan doesn't really like Olivier's look. He says that he said he liked jeans, not light pants. No one likes it, probably because it's ugly. Kimberly's outfit looks a fool. Everybody hates everything. It's so sad because the drummer was seriously the cutest in this band. They love Viktor, especially his jacket. Josh and Adam bond over the fact that they would be drawn to crotch-emphasizing pant accessories. There's so much stupid fringe everywhere, people. On ALL of these outfits. As a former resident of Austin, I find this offensive. Too much is way too much in Austin musicians. I want to never see anything ever again.
The judges confer and the designers come back to the stage. Viktor wins! He's so happy. He goes backstage and Bert is there and gives him a hug. Laura is in. Josh is in. He fake blows a kiss as he walks off, the jag off. Anthony is in. So is Anya! Everyone cheers when she comes backstage. She interviews that she was devastated by their critique. Olivier and Kimberly are left onstage. Kimberly is... in. She's immediately emotional. She hugs Olivier. She interviews that she was ripped to shreds and is emotional. Backstage, everyone hugs her. She tells them that she was on the plank and had prepared herself, but .... Wow. Olivier is done. He says that there are amazing people in the competition. He's unhappy about this. Tim gives him a simple hug and sends him away, backing up my idea that Tim hated that silly bitch.
We see the photo shoot of Viktor working with his guy and outfit. He says he's feeling some ego ("Who cares?" Joy Behar-style).
Jeff Long is a writer/performer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com or followed on Twitter at @jblong.