As we start the show, Heidi wears some leatha, that frankly could have walked off the set of Real Housewives of New Jersey Harsh but you know it's true. I can't believe this woman's job is to stand on a runway for thirty seconds announce where the designers have to meet Tim and then leaves to go romp in wheat fields with Seal and their seventeen gorgeous children. Then she shows up the day to mock the failures of the designers and their outfits. And she's married to Seal and looks like Heidi Klum. Bitch.
On to the challenge: some southern-haired woman in an ill-fitting jacket offers up the challenge. It is a team challenge and everyone groans and rolls their eyes so athletically it's like it's the newest Olympic sport. They have to design blue outfits (no really, that's the challenge: blue) and the prize is creating a holiday dress for INC line (sold exclusively at Macy's, natch). Everyone then pretends that the be all, end of all of fashion design is to sell polyester outfits to the mallrats in suburbia instead of to say, Blair Waldorf who probably does not know Macy's exists. Everyone sketches their outfits and then the white-suited woman (who is improbably named Martine) picks the best designs to be team leaders. She likes Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Christopher, and Louise the bestest and they get to choose their partners. And the teams are: Althea takes Logan because he's hot and still in the closet, but in a charmingly ambiguous long-live grunge sort of way, Louise and Nicholas (who has immunity), Christopher picks Epperson, Irina takes Gordana, and Carol Hannah gets the sloppy leftovers that is Shirin.
They rush to Mood and Louise loses her money, but then she finds it and she keeps talking about how stressed she is. This by far the most camera time she has gotten to date, so she will most likely either win or lose. The designers head back to the workroom and the teams get to work with the usual gamut of abject bitchiness and team drama. Tim comes in and gives them all the hoary eye. He thinks Carol Hannah's designs could knock some socks off and expresses a strangely vehement hatred of leggings. Like who cares enough about leggings to express an opinion? Unless we're talking about those Lindsay Lohan blow job leggings with the built in kneepads. Those are awesome and worth killing a kitten for. Tim is worried about both Irina's and Louise's designs, but thinks Christopher is on track to reinvent the shirt dress, which is apparently a very thrilling proposition and worth renting a skywriter to let your parents and all beach attendees know that you have reinvented the shirtdress. Nicholas takes a moment to rant about ruffles, because RUFFLES ARE THE DEVIL. Irina then slams Carol Hannah's looks as discount looks from the sale bin and, well, Carol Hannah will probably win because this is for INC sold exclusively at MACY's which is pretty much the definition of discount dressing. And then it is midnight and everyone has to go home.
Tim comes in and L'oreal's this and Garnier's that and mentions Macy's about 12 times because he is contractually obligated to or they will eat his face off. The models come in and it is ten minutes to runway and Louise is still cutting and appliquéing and Irina is almost happy about her looks, but Gordana is doomed DOOMED if the judges don't like the outfits.
Out on the runway Heidi is underwhelmingly dressed in an oversized t-shirt and a pony tail like she just came from a Gymboree playdate. Irina and Gordana's looks come down the runway first. They look like flimsy little dresses that are blue. Althea and Logan's first look has a skirt that is self-hiking. But the looks are good overall. Nicholas does nothing but bitch about Louise's ruffles like he is 102 and shaking his fist. Carol Hannah claims the best thing about her looks is that they are saleable, which will probably be the death of her eventually. Christopher is sure his shirt dress is going to be an INC product, which pretty much means it isn't, right? Right. Judgment time: First off Logan and Althea are passed into the round. The higher scores are: Irina and Gordana (all the ladies go gaga for Irina's dress) and Carol Hannah and Shirin. Christopher gasps in shock, which is sort of sad. But most shocking, because was Tim wrong??
Louise tries to defend her ruffles, but the judges brush off her attempts as bridesmaid gone bad and not in the hot naughty Joe Francis sort of way. Heidi is stumped by Christopher's vision of the modern girl. Michael Kors remarks that the shirt dress reminds him of a tablecloth. Christopher dissolves into tears as Heidi mocks his dress as looking like the girl was eating lobster and Michael Kors says something about a disco pumpkin. Oh Heidi, always making the boys cry.
The judges mull. Before their decision is announced and we cut to commercial, Heidi ominously pronounces that "one or more of you will be out". When we return from break, Shirin is dismissed and Irina is crowned the winner. Carol Hannah and Gordana are patted on the back and they are followed off the stage by Epperson. The judges finally kick Nicholas and his immunity-having behind off the stage, leaving Louise and Christopher to stand anxiously on the stage while the judges deride them both professionally and pretty much personally. They are especially harsh to Christopher, but in the end it is Louise that goes. And she goes alone, despite the pounding music attempting to hint otherwise.
In short, I'm still pissed that they sent Ra'mon home.
It is really nice that Lifetime plays full episodes of Project Runway. Of course that also means I have to watch Ra'mon's ignominious departure again, which was just cruel. Cruel! So his dress looked like an outfit for Jem and the Holograms or even The Misfits. It was totally fit for Synergy. And, admit, we've seen way worse outfits receive accolades from the judges. (Yeah, I'm looking at you Angela.) Without Ra'mon the show has lost its luster. I mean who else can tie dye some lime green neoprene and win? Shirin? She wouldn't dare. Who else am I supposed to love? Oh well, on with the show.
Over at the Atlas apartments, Gordana is thanking her Teutonic gods ('Sup Freya!) for letting her skate out of the bottom three despite her slumber party worthy outfit. But none of the other girls even notice she is still there because she is too old to exist. Like a fairy or Don Knotts. Over at the "men's" apartment they are all up in my pity party about Ra'mon being gone. Except their party (like cheap wine) has an obvious undercurrent of hostility and mirth. They know that without him they may have a shot at winning. Christopher is practically giggling as his Dippity Dos his locks of love. Logan has to move into their love shack as they are the last four men in the competition, which might as well be the entire planetary system. He is now shacking up with Nicholas (who has a very small dog in real life), Epperson, and Christopher and Christopher's hair gel. Logan's lone t-shirt looks sad in Ra'mon's abandoned armoire. Over at the ladies' lair, the sad eyes of Louise Black of Dallas, Texas explain how very much she didn't want to go home despite designing a beadazzled potato sack for the last challenge. The dress was merely a cry for help! Now that they've allowed her to take her Cymbalta she is totally back in this competition. She irons her hair and heads out the door.
The remaining ten contestants sit in their plastic risers waiting for Heidi to earn her $500,000 per line. She goose walks onto the stage wearing high heels, black shirt, and leather miniskirt undoubtedly designed by Leatha by Stella from her own skin to clad Heidi's expensive curves. Unfortunately I am pretty sure I saw this exact same outfit on the tween daughter of Teresa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and I'm not entirely sure that is the look Heidi is going for. But seriously, has Heidi ever meant a leopard print she didn't like? Neither has Teresa. Heidi congratulates Nicholas on his Snow Queen's victory from win last week and reminds him and everyone else that he has immunity. She then announces that their challenge will be "colorful". She tells the contestants that Tim will tell them the rest, waves her goodbyes, and collapses exhausted after a hard day's work.
In the workroom and underneath the very large Macy's sign, Tim is waiting. I think he is wearing jeans. I know he is in Los Angeles now and Californians are very casual and all, but I will admit I'm a little disappointed. He is standing to a woman clad in a blazer whose single button is clinging on for dear life under her ample bosom. She is wearing all white and Barbie blonde hair fluffed out into debutante curls. Tim introduces her as Martine Reardon, Macy's executive vice president of corporate marketing. So she is the corporate image that Macy's is trying to project? That explains a lot. The woman is named Martine, which is a very sophisticated European-sounding name that she does not live up to. Martine announces that the challenge is all about the color blue. She explains that blue is a magical color that can go from soft and romantic all the way to electric. It's not like that lousy purple or upstart orange. It is the best color. Nay, it's the only color. How the contestants manage not to snort or roll their eyes must sheer force of will or CGI. Martine then explains that INC is the best brand in the entire world. And the bestest thing about the bestest brand is that it is only sold at Macy's! Bendel's wants it, Bergdorf is begging to pick them up, Barney's sent roses and French macaroons, but INC is only sold at Macy's. Martine announces that the designers have to make two blue outfits. If she sees even an ounce of that fucking green she will blackball your from Macy's forever. The winner of the challenge will be lucky enough to design a holiday dress exclusively for INC to be sold only at Macy's (even though Neiman Marcus sent a bottle of Veuve and Jacques Torres chocolates). The designers all cheer like making a dress for INC is the jewel in any designer's crown. I mean, that's totally how Zac Posen started. And Proenza Schoeler would kill to design under the INC label. And (just between you and me) Calvin Klein sometimes just walks down Madison over to Herald Square to spend an afternoon at Macy's designing outfits just for INC, just for fun. True story! Tim adds that it's a team challenge and you can hear the sighs of the contestants all the way up in Pasadena. He also adds that is a one day challenge and everyone looks crestfallen knowing they will never get the chance to design for INC under these conditions. Tears are shed, sackcloth is worn.
The designers get to work. Each must sketch a design for an outfit and then Martine will select her five favorite and those designers will be the team leaders. The design must be in sync with unique and unparalleled style of INC clothes. As if! Christopher of Shakopee, Minn., explains that his ultimate goal as a designer is to be in a mainstream store and be able to say, "I made that." If that is his only goal, why doesn't he move to the big city of Minneapolis and go design for Target's in house labels? Or move to New York and work in-house at Macy's or Bloomingdales like hundreds of other young designers who want to design but don't have the resources to go out on their own yet? Call me Christopher, I'll give you the phone number. Althea goes first to face the fierce eye of Martine. Her high-waisted denim pants are intriguing. Carol Hannah's office-to-evening dresses are inspired. Louise mentioned the phrase "appliquéd rosettes," did she learn nothing from Angela? Ooh the horror. Martine announces the team leaders: Althea, Irina, Carol Hannah, Christopher, and Louise had the designs most in line with INC's high quality standards. Then much like middle school gym class, the leaders get to pick their teammates. Althea picks Logan, because if you have to work with someone, why not a hottie who can sew even if he hasn't changed clothes in two weeks? Christopher was honored to be able to work with Epperson, who is just so darn excited not to be picked last for once. Louise chooses Nicholas despite his immunity. She is just so confident that her strong designs will carry her through. Irina can't choose between Gordana and Shirin and wants them to fight over the privilege of working with her. Neither of them moves. About ten minutes later Gordana sighs that she guesses she will work with her. Carol Hannah gets the leftover Shirin, who runs to the bathroom for some light cutting and then horks down ten Twinkies to try and dull the pain of being picked last.
During the model fitting it's all the boobs you can get on Lifetime outside of a Susan G. Komen telethon. The girls run all over the workroom getting shoved into too tight blue ensembles while the designers all complain about their co-workers. Nicholas starts in on ruffles again. They make him sick. Christopher and Epperson come up with a few ideas to tie their outfits together that seem to involve ruffles, lace, and prayers. Like a Madonna video circa 1990, but way way uglier. Carol Hannah and Shirin are working hard and Irina scoffs at their efforts as looking like they were just bought at a discount store on sale. So they should fit in perfectly with INC's line. Carol Hannah for the win! Then there is only half an hour left and all the designers are sewing for the finish line. Nicholas mutters, "Ruffles," and leaves for the night.
Back at the apartments, the designers all testify as to how hard this challenge is. While I am not a designer, it seems that having your only real parameter being that your outfit has to be blue isn't nearly as difficult as, say, designing an outfit out of car parts or when you have to rip a restaurant's interior to shreds to construct a couture gown. But maybe blue is really hard. Or maybe it's striving to meet the level of consistent mediocrity of INC. Anyway they all think it was hard. Nicholas swears on a stack of Vogue's that he is going to try and help Louise. I almost believe him, too. But he has immunity and there are a lot of ruffles to try and justify. At the workroom, the designers scamper to finish up their outfits. Most of the attention is on Irina and Gordana who are struggling to agree on whether a shirt is blue enough or something. Gordana's monotone explains that Irina gave her no direction at all, but would just say things like "I don't like it," which is probably not the most helpful criticism since Irina also doesn't like kittens, ice cream, or unicorns. Tim comes into give the contractually-obligated sponsor shout outs: L'Oreal, Garnier, and Macy's are mentioned in the requisite glowing terms and an extra holler is given because the Macy's accessories wall has been stocked with INC shoes, which they hope will hold up long enough to make it down the runway. The few minutes are spent with the camera loitering on the trademarks of L'Oreal and Garnier and Macy's while designers flit about in a panic trying to finish their all-blue ensembles. Gordana thinks her shirt saved her ass. Christopher thinks he and Epperson were a dream team of fabulousness. Nicholas thanks the lord high almighty for giving him immunity because they ran out of time and he knows they are doomed. Doomed!
The contestants form their firing line and Heidi quickly dispenses with Logan and Althea whose scores are high enough for them to continue in the competition. They smile with relief and shadow dance off stage. Heidi announces that Louise, Nicholas, Christopher, and Epperson all had the lowest scores. She dispatches them off stage to sulk in silence. The higher scoring teams models come out to join them on the runway. The judges think they did a great job interpreting the INC brand. I think in this context that is meant as a compliment. Shirin's tunic with it's appliqué top is well-received and Carol Hannah's teal and black dress is called chic. Irina explains that they wanted an office look (Gordana's light blue v-neck and navy skirt) as well as an evening weekend look (the striped sundress). Despite being on the winning side of things, Irina can't help but make Gordana look lazy and uninspired. Gordana doesn't really respond, not because she doesn't want to, but because her upbringing (or her Botox) does not allow her face to move. Heidi delivers Irina the ultimate compliment: She would wear that dress. Irina passes out with pleasure at the thought. Zanna and Martine chime in that they would wear the dress, too, but who cares? Heidi hath spoken. They also like Gordana's shirt and Irina takes those compliments, too, even though she didn't seem to have much to do with the design or execution of that look. Gordana is pleased at the pitiful crumbs left to her by Irina's magnanimousness. The winners are sent backstage and the losers file out. Losers! Heidi glowers at them for daring to disappoint her. Louise stammers her way through her explanation. The navy dress with the light blue ruffles was meant as day wear while the light dress with the navy ruffles was the party dress. She just wanted to add something special to the dresses. Heidi looks ready to kill when she asks rhetorically, "And that was ruffles." Louise gulps and hides behind the ruffles on her model. It works. Heidi shakes her head in fury and demands to know, "Who would wear this?" Zanna, her little Aryan friend, shakes her head and denounces it as cheap. She swears that if she ever walked into a Macy's and saw racks of that (she sneers the word "that" as if she gestures towards Louise's cocktail look) she would turn around and walk right out. Oh Zanna, if you ever walked into a Macy's it would be in pursuit of the powder room. Martine bravely admits that she likes ruffles, just not these ruffles. Michael Kors thinks it looks like a bridesmaid dress with a loofah attached. And, well, it sort of does. Louise is still hiding and doesn't seem to hear anything anyone says, which is probably good for her long-term mental health.
Like lasers of death in a '70s James Bond film, Heidi's eyes turn towards Christopher who stands stock still like a squirrel in a bike path. He tries to justify his existence, but fails. Heidi does not like the weird neck thing on Christopher's teal tunic. When Heidi does not like it, nobody likes it. She derides it as looking like a lobster bib. The shirtdress horrifies Michael Kors to no end. It is just a re-hash of a librarian's uniform from the '70s and not in a good way. More in a tablecloth sort of way. He doesn't understand how it relates to the teal charmeuse disco ball. He doesn't believe that Christopher thinks the two looks actually go together. As Christopher openly weeps, Epperson tries to explain, but fails under the frowns of the judges. Nobody likes it and nobody wants to look at it anymore. They are dismissed from the runway.
The judges start in on the losers like vultures picking over the corpses of dead designers. No one liked Louise's ruffle dresses. They didn't understand them. They didn't work for customers. Christopher's outfits had nothing to do with each other. One was a disco satin bubble dress that was badly made, the other was a shower curtain nighty. They can't decide which was worse, but the adjectives for Christopher's were so much better. They move on to the designers with the higher scores. Everyone swoons over Irina's sundress. I think Michael Kors said if you saw it in Macy's "it would stalk you" which totally makes sense because I am pretty sure Irina would too. The top was dressy and romantic. Martine thinks that blue was a really difficult challenge. No, no it wasn't. It was blue. It was not a recycling plant or a grocery store. It was not hard. The judges also think Carol Hannah's outfits would "hang well on the floor together", which sounds pretty blah, but in the context of all the horrible things they have been saying about the losers' clothes, this sounds downright glowing. The judges have made their decision.
As the designers line up in front of the judges, Heidi ominously announces that "one or more of you will be out". Ooh is it a double secret elimination? Or a secret double elimination? Or a double secret double elimination? Shirin is called out and dismissed from the stage. She thanks the judges for sparing her life. Irina is chosen as the winner. They congratulate her on her looks, especially the dress, were really well made and the looks were perfect for the INC line. I can't help but think that Christian Siriano would use "perfect for the INC line" as a slur. He would be right, too. Irina is dismissed from the runway, very pleased with herself. She doesn't get immunity for this win, but she gets to design a dress for INC for distribution in "select" Macy's across the country. Also she wins the knowledge that she is marketable to the mainstream. Something every middle of the road designer aspires too I'm sure. Thank god Ra'mon didn't have to suffer through this indignity. Although I'm sure he would have won if he had wanted to. With Irina's win, Carol Hannah and Gordana are dismissed from the stage. They smile in relief and almost gratitude. Epperson is kicked off the stage. Nicholas is reminded that he is very lucky that he has immunity this week. He blows a kiss towards Christopher and Louise. He actually looks like he means it when he bids them farewell. The judges pounce on Louise. Heidi declares her ruffled dresses as far from anything a woman of today would want to wear. Bad overworked bridesmaid dresses that were not sellable. Christopher is harshly told that his dresses had nothing in common except for how clueless they were. They were badly made, badly styled, and no one would ever buy them. Is judgment getting harsher? I mean, yes these were not attractive looks, but geez Heidi leave them with some self-esteem. Louise is auf'd. Everyone just stands there, the drum beats start up again and you wonder if Christopher is escorting Louise home. It's a total fake out. Christopher is in. He gasps, covers his face, tries not to cry, fails, pats Louise, and runs backstage to hide under his covers and suck his thumb. Louise is too doped up to really react to the incredibly harsh criticism or the news that she is out. She just stands there, blinking. Heidi kisses her off, she is lead backstage, Tim hugs her and she is gone. In her exit interview she swears that this will make her a better designer, but I think it will just make her a better patient at her therapist's.
So what lessons did we learn today? We learned that you should always listen to Tim. He warned Louise about the ruffles and then she was sent home. Oh, wait, let me modify our moral of the story: Always listen to Tim, unless it is about shirtdresses because he is unreliable on the subject. Christopher should sue him for that one.
At the end of the show they reveal what Irina's holiday dress for INC that will be distributed to select Macy's nationwide. It is black, it is scoop-necked, it appears to be made out of polyester, and it has a large beaded butterfly on it. I think it fits right in with INC's product line.