The challenge this week is so tense that I actually wanted it to stop. Who's the last person you'd want to see you in the bitchiest environment on the planet? Besides Angela Lansbury. Yes, the designers' mothers (except for a few sisters) are the models for this week's challenge. The designers randomly choose moms, and the match-ups are as follows: Michael and Robert's sister, Robert and Vincent's sister, Vincent and Uli's mom, Uli and Kayne's mom, Kayne and Michael's mom, Jeffrey and Angela's mom, Laura and Jeffrey's mom, and Angela and Laura's mom. It is horrible. As a lot of moms with children in their mid-thirties or older are wont to be, a lot of the ladies aren't that slim. So there's a lot of veiled bitching about how hard the challenge is. Except Jeffrey doesn't have a veil. And he's designing for Angela's Ohio mom. And he makes her cry. Seriously, I'm a little disappointed that someone didn't knock the living hellfire out of that asshole. He has addiction problems, per his mother; which I guess explains a lot about his behavior. All I know is, I'm not much of a fighter, but bitch woulda been picking up his crack-rotted teeth after he made my mom cry. I hardly have time to be floored that Vincent wins the challenge. Or that Robert is sent home for boring the hell out of everyone once again. Or that Laura is pregnant with the final member of her personal polo team. He can make as much kerfuffle over editing and stress and competition that he wants, but Jeffrey made someone's little Midwestern mother cry, and he's an asshole.
Previously: The designers had to make clothes from recycled trash. Michael won his second challenge in a row, while Alison was sent home.
Another morning at the Atlas apartments. Jeffrey tells us he's sad that Alison was auf'd because she was his best friend there. He tells us he doesn't want to "harp" on Angela anymore, then proceeds to harp, "Angela should have been on that stage being grilled in the bottom three." Okay, I'm just going to break through whatever the fourth wall of recapping is for a second: I mean, you all know I've seen the episode already. While I would normally take a moment to pick apart Jeffrey for being a dick, there's just so much more to come. I've only got so many words for that kind of behavior. I might have to make some up. I'll supply a legend if that occurs. I will, however, remark at this time that the shaved spots in Jeffrey's right eyebrow still annoy me. "Whatever, it's not summer camp," finishes Jeffrey as he walks out of his bedroom. I'm not sure if I know what he means by that. It's like Corie in Barefoot in the Park saying, "Six days does not a week make." But I kind of love that line, so maybe Jeffrey is just letting out his inner Neil Simon. Poor Jeffrey's inner Neil Simon. He's probably jaundiced from the curdled ambition and misguided need for attention flowing through Jeffrey's veins. Jeffrey's inner Neil Simon needs some sunlight. And a weekend with an iron lung.
In his interview, Michael points out that he is the first to win two challenges in Season 3. He was "amazed" at his second win. He smiled so much that he got a headache. Michael's a nice guy. I bet his inner Neil Simon is Bounty-fresh.
On the runway, Heidi enters, looking a little less ridiculous than she has in recent weeks. Slinky black top, jeans, and leather boots to the knee. Not totally un-ridiculous, as the length of the boot just sort of creates a weirdness with the line of the jeans; but not crazy. Heidi introduces the challenge: the contestants will be designing for the everyday woman. Then she introduces the models. Behind the scrim, we see a full-figured lady. Michael delicately says that, "from the silhouettes, we know they aren't our normal models."
As the models start walking out, it's pretty clear that they know the designers. Angela, of course, ever the buffoon, completely dissolves and screams, "Mom!" I still haven't figured out how they know the designers. Angela interviews that she thought they had just pulled people off of the street for the challenge. Now THAT I want to see. The homeless challenge. The goal is to create a look that works on the street and works on the street. Can't you just see Michael Kors saying, "She would never wear that. I don't even think that fabric could give her a rash. It looks like Bridget Fonda from Point Of No Return was sent to clown school instead of sassy assassin school!" Speaking of which, where the hell is Bridget Fonda? Last I heard she was having Danny Elfman babies. And a nation mourns. Anyway, Angela realized that the models weren't street people when she saw her own mom.
Robert sees his sister, who was flown in from England. Hmm, he really got rid of his accent, didn't he? About his sister, he says, "Does she know the kind of humiliation she's gonna be in for?" Breaking the fourth wall again to say that, uh, no. I don't think these people know the sort of humiliation they're in for.
Laura is crying. She's already stressed and exhausted and seeing her mom just made her cry, she interviews. The mannequins are like, "You go ahead and cry, girl." Jeffrey points out his own mother, and Laura says, "I thought she'd have a mohawk." She doesn't, though. In fact, Jeffrey's mother seems quite conservative. She's lovely, though Jeffrey's disdain for his own eyebrows must be hereditary. Mom appears to have plucked all of hers out and drawn them in where she wanted them. I must say, this is a practice that I'm really glad to see has kind of faded in popularity. I'm not seeing a lot of younger ladies with bald eyebrows. This is a good thing. Visible butt-cracks? No. Laying off of the brows? Yes. Everybody gets a kick out of Laura's mohawk line and, by this point, most of the designers are misty-eyed from seeing their loved ones. Uli, in particular, appears really verklempt.
Heidi asks everyone if they are surprised. They are. The ladies introduce themselves -- Judy of Many Colors is Kayne's mom, Darlene refers to her daughter Angela as "delightful," Patricia is Vincent's sister, Pamela is Michael's mom, Teresa is Robert's sister, Pam is Jeffrey's mom, Heidi is Uli's mom, and Lorraine is Laura's "proud" mom (she's gay?). Okay it's patronizing to say this, but they are so cute! It's like they've come to watch their kids at school, which is kind of adorable.
So the moms and sisters are the models, but Heidi drops the bomb that the designers can't work with their own family members. I'm already starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Why can't they? I guess if someone used their mom or sister as a model on a regular basis, they might have some kind of advantage; but aside from Robert's sister -- who is pretty and young and has a cute figure -- none of the moms or sisters look like a prototype for any of the designers' intended customers. I guess you could argue that Laura's mom might wear some of Laura's clothes, but that's mainly because Laura's designs are pretty classic and could probably be worn by a wide range of ladies. Otherwise, it doesn't look like the designers are normally creating looks with their moms in mind. My point? It seems like bringing on everyone's immediate family member and then making them work with another designer is a device -- not to create an even playing field, but to ratchet up the tension. I'm already having visions of someone being mean to another person's mom (fourth wall down -- I'm fucking right). It makes me super-uncomfortable, because I personally can't think of many more situations where I could completely and without composure lose my shit than if someone were rude to my mom in front of me. And with the bitches in that kennel? Hell no! I'd already be angry from just imagining what someone might say around her. Now, I might feel that a little intensely, but I know I'm not alone. My best friend almost took out a cab driver a couple of weeks ago when her folks were in town because the cabbie hit her mom with his car door. Of course, it's not odd to get upset about someone you love getting mistreated, but she's normally fairly peaceful. ... Well, that's not true, but she's little, and she tried to beat up a cab driver. I'm just saying people are sensitive about their moms.
Preemptively (because I always consult my inner Tim Gunn for the real Tim Gunn's likely response whenever I have a problem with the show -- by the way, my inner Tim Gunn and inner Neil Simon are writing a script together. All I know is that it's like The Odd Couple meets Coco. Forget about it -- just give them their Tonys now), I'm not sure Tim Gunn can justify this challenge as a "real-life industry experience." The designers might have to design for "everyday" women, but will they have to watch a competitor work with their moms? It feels designed to capitalize on certain designers' nastiness (bye, fourth wall -- I'm so fucking right).
In response to hearing that they won't be working with their own family member, we see an interview with Jeffrey where he goes, "Waw! Waw!" and laughs and licks a corner of his mouth. He was probably, in actuality, describing his favorite moment on The Price is Right, but it looks like he's not excited about working with the models. Probably because they're all phonies.
The designers will randomly be chosen from the button bag, and they will in turn choose their models. So, here's another thing. You know that the thinnest ladies are going to go first. Doesn't all of this seem unnecessary? This kind of drama doesn't have much to do with finding America's big fashion designer. Michael gets to choose first, since he won the last challenge. So he chooses Teresa, Robert's skinny sister. I didn't even break down the fourth wall to predict that one because it was so freaking obviously going to happen. She is a cute girl, though.
Heidi chooses the button, and it's Laura's. She chooses Pam, Jeffrey's mom. "Just to torture Jeff, " she says. I thought that's what this whole challenge was. Vincent's , and he chooses Uli's mom, Heidi. She's so adorable. Angela chooses Laura's mom, Lorraine. Kayne of Many Colors chooses Michael's mom, Pamela. Uli chooses Judy of Many Colors, about which Kayne whispers, "Good choice." Angela looks nervous, and presumably it's because her mom hasn't been chosen. See what I mean? This is so gross. Robert chooses Vincent's sister, Patricia. That leaves Darlene, Angela's mom. And Jeffrey. Jeffrey and Angela's mom. I don't think this is going to work out well (no fourth wall -- I actually know it's not going to work out well). Jeffrey interviews that he got Angela's mom "because God got drunk today. That's what I think." Jeffrey feels a lot of divine influence in regards to his participation on this show. If God let you get that moronic design tattooed across your neck, He's not paying much attention to how you do on the dress-up show. Got it? Jeffrey good-naturedly tells Darlene that she's going to have fun, and in response she whispers, "Thanks."
Heidi leaves the runway with the models, telling the designers that Tim will fill them in on the details of the challenge when they are back in the workroom. In the workroom, the models have apparently been released again, and they get a little face time with their family members. Everybody's hugging and talking excitedly. Uli and her mom are crying because, as Uli tells us in an interview, they haven't seen each other in a year. It's very sweet. They seem close.
Michael gets to show his mom his challenge-winning designs, and she remarks that she likes the "hot pink." So much for it being fuchsia. Michael interviews that his mother has always been very supportive of his design endeavors. He tells us that he's a mama's boy. Is this guy running for president? He's a dream. So sweet, loves his mom, takes up for hoes -- put him on the ticket!
Tim enters and asks everyone to gather 'round. He tells them that he has a surprise for them. Everyone has been invited to a "special event" hosted by this challenge's guest judge. It's happening right now. He takes them to Tavern on the Green, New York City's most overrated tourist destination. They're probably going to The Phantom of the Opera later. Their hosts are Michael Kors and his mother, Joan. I'll be damned if Joan Kors isn't being played by Cheri Oteri. Joan is amazing. She sounds like she's been smoking Virginia Slims since she was 12, and looks like she hasn't missed a day under a tanning lamp since the Berlin Wall came down. God bless her, it's amazing. She looks like she's an agent or something. Like she could CRUSH YOU. In fact, something about her presence almost makes Michael Kors, who is standing beside her, seems kind of delicate. They are the tannest family in America. Even if they have a third family member who is albino and you had to average that person's lack of tan into the equation -- tannest family in America, the Korses. Michael Knight interviews that he could see the resemblance, and he can tell that Michael Kors is a mama's boy like him.
Michael Kors tells everyone that his mother has been a great influence on how he feels about "how people get dressed." Sometimes she tells him that he's losing his mind. I guess that's when she doesn't like an idea of his. Or maybe when he toys with the idea of not getting highlights. The designers all get a chuckle out of this. Laura seems kind of collegiate while standing with her mother. Then there's a canned moment of Michael popping open a bottle of champagne. Can I see a show of hands of who is over the Project Runway staged champagne toast?
Judy of Many Colors has pictures. This show is crossing the threshold. She has a picture of a very fat Kayne of Many Colors. And it's a photo from the '80s. Michael Kors is stunned. KoMC says that sometimes the past should remain in the past. Sometimes the doorway to the present is not wide enough for the past to fit through it -- holy crap, he has lost A LOT of weight. KoMC interviews that he had told everyone that he was "fat and funny" as a child, and his mother brought photographic proof. Robert congratulates him for shedding "a dress size and a half." That's like telling the Subway guy that his old jeans must be a "little loose" now that he's lost 200 pounds. KoMC explains that he lost 110 pounds. Suddenly, I'm wondering if maybe KoMC might win this whole thing. You have to have some hardcore focus in order to make that sort of change in your life.
We see a childhood photo of Michael Knight that Michael Kors dubs "adorable." It is, too. Then Pam shows a picture of Jeffrey from high school. He's got that early '90s wave, and his hair is frosted. And he's wearing braces. And a royal blue blazer. Pam interviews that Jeffrey has been through a lot. He is a recovering alcoholic. She gets choked up when she says she is amazed that he has managed to become successful.
Laura shows Michael pictures of herself in clothes that her mother sewed for her. Michael says that as an only child, he was his mother's shopping companion, and that influenced his decision to work in fashion. Joan is listening and appears to be thinking, "This is why I don't have grandchildren. Fucking Bergdorf's." Michael tells Joan that Laura has five children, and Laura corrects him, "Working on six." Everyone is stunned, including poor Laura's mother. Laura interviews that she only discovered that she was pregnant since the show began, and that telling her mother was "grade-A stupid" because she hasn't even told her husband yet. He's probably not going to be that fazed anyway, but yeah, you should probably have told him before you told Michael Kors. It just looks bad. Lorraine, Laura's mom, interviews that she was shocked, but "that's Laura. You never know what tomorrow's gonna bring and that's been the delightful part of living with her." I can't think of a nicer thing to have your parents think about you. It's certainly better than "You never know when he's going to ask for money." Or "You never know when he's going to get his crap out of the garage." Or "You never know what tomorrow's gonna bring and that's been the terrifying and physically jeopardizing part of living with him." Joan congratulates Lorraine, who replies, "Thank you. I think."
Tim takes everyone back to the workroom. Vincent interviews that he thinks this will be a fun but difficult challenge. Tim explains that the challenge is to create a look for the everyday woman that would "fit the day-to-day lifestyle of your new client." However, it should be fashion-forward and reflect the designer's identity. They will have thirty minutes to talk with their clients and one day to finish the design. KoMC says, "Dear Jesus," and Robert imitates him with, "Sweet Jesus." Just seemed kind of funny, thought I'd throw it in there.
As everyone starts planning and talking with their new clients, we see an interview with Robert where he says that this challenge is difficult because, when working with "everyday women," they are not model-size. So he can't just work from the dress form -- he has to work with the individual. Robert is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "You Look Hotter Online." Apparently, he dates like he prefers to design. The mannequins are all, "Friendster is over!" Patricia, Vincent's sister, tells Robert that she likes a kimono look, which Robert seems enthusiastic about. He interviews that he explained to Patricia that he's fighting the perception of being boring with his designs. "So, I'm gonna put you in head-to-toe zebra print with a sign that says, 'Stop picking on Robert.' As long as you're cool with that."
Angela consults with Lorraine. Lorraine mentions "casual elegance" and "Audrey Hepburn-ish" as her style goals. She tells Angela that she is open to anything that Angela thinks is good. She interviews that she wants Laura to win, but would do nothing to hurt Angela's chances. They don't really seem like a bad match.
KoMC tells Michael's mother, Pamela, that he wants to make something that won't look like you could "go out and buy it." He interviews that he knew he would like her because she was wearing the brightest colors onstage and had rhinestones on her shoes. He's so sweet. He says that when he was 310 pounds (can you believe it?!), he could never find stylish clothes. Pamela is "not a size 2. She's not even a size 10. But she's gorgeous." All of these ladies are getting measured right now, and I can't imagine it's a fun experience for the largest of them. Maybe they don't care, though. In which case, more power to them.
Vincent discovers that Uli's mom, who is from Germany, Europe, "has this European air about her." He decides on a simple dress with a modern lapel, in black and tan. There seems to be a little bit of a language barrier, but it's anyone's guess as to whether it's the English/German divide or the Crazy/Sane difference that's causing the problem.
Laura tells Pam that her measurements are really good. Pam is relieved, since she just got back from a cruise. She hasn't eaten in the past four days, she says. At first, I thought she was making an allusion to some sort of Montezuma's Revenge, but I was wrong. I've never been on a cruise, but apparently they feed you all the time. So, she was worried about having gained weight. Laura decides to use the cruise-ship aesthetic as her theme. She's going to use sea-foam green and cobalt blue. Laura wonders aloud what Jeffrey is designing for Darlene. His mother replies, "I just hope he keeps her in mind." Something tells me that Pam didn't like the fashion-forward bustier and shredded leather skirt that Jeffrey made for her for Mother's Day 1989.
Jeffrey is measuring Darlene. (Gingerly bringing down fourth wall again: I have to admit something a little odd. I've been kind of pissed off at Jeffrey for his behavior, but on watching this a second and tenth time, Darlene is a little annoying right here.) She informs Jeffrey that "you usually leave a little extra" at the bust line. Jeffrey just explains that he needs a true measurement, but will certainly make room where it should be. Darlene interviews that she is fairly traditional and that Jeffrey "stands out in a crowd." She explains to Jeffrey that, because of her size (which is round-ish and fairly short), she likes the "simplicity of a long dress." Jeffrey interviews that this is out of his realm because he's never made anything for a woman Darlene's size. "I just don't do it. I haven't done it." Darlene suggests a jacket, but Jeffrey abruptly says he doesn't like the idea. He doesn't want to start something that he can't finish. Didn't he say at some earlier point that jackets were his "thing"? I can't imagine doing something besides your "thing" would be any easier. It's almost like he's angry with Darlene, which is a totally childish reaction to this whole thing. She's just telling you what she wants, dickweed. Darlene tells Jeffrey that she feels bad and like she wants to cry because he thinks she's limiting him. Hopefully it was Project Runway's decision not to show Jeffrey telling her that that was ridiculous and of course she's not limiting her. Otherwise: asshole.
At Mood, Robert gets red and black fabric, because Patricia said those were her favorite colors. He interviews, "Here I go again with boring colors." But...he did go again with the boring colors. It seems weird that he would know that it was a mistake and still go through with it. That doesn't seem like a smart choice (fourth wall firmly in place).
Uli chose a print for Judy of Many Colors, "to slim her down." Are prints usually slimming? Uli loves those damn prints, doesn't she? Darlene said that she liked dark purple and dark green, but Jeffrey couldn't find any dark green fabrics. So he chose the best thing: periwinkle. God, they're so much alike, they're practically interchangeable. Anyway, the periwinkle will serve to accent the dark purple and navy blue he is using for Darlene's dress.
In the workroom, everyone is trying to get to work. Laura interviews that the designers working with the larger models are "stumped." You know, none of these people complained this much about making clothes for fucking dogs. It's really ridiculous the way they're acting. You'd think someone asked them to perform some sort of surgery. They're big ladies, not neurology.
Robert and Jeffrey bitch about how they don't know anything about how to design for "this kind of body." Vincent interviews that some of the designers are unhappy because they are used to designing for "lean models, with perfect 25-inch waists." He thinks a designer should be able to compensate for "real women," because they will ultimately be wearing their clothes. And...Vincent just said something really reasonable. You could argue that Jeffrey doesn't really have any interest in dressing the everyday woman, so why should he be good at it? I'd say that he's wasting his time on this show, then. You don't really need the exposure that a reality TV show provides in order to sell one-of-a-kind garments. Your energy would be better spent catering to that boutique audience. Seeing someone design a dress out of shower curtains on TV is probably not going to convince Tinsley Mortimer to buy a $30,000 ball gown from him. However, you might be compelled to buy a $100 top at Macy's from him. And you're going to want to sell a lot of those tops. And some bigger ladies are going to be some of those customers. My point is that it's shortsighted for him to think that he's not going to have to design for anyone but those with perfect figures. And if he's dead set on not dressing the chubby? It was even more shortsighted for him to come on this show in the first place. Robert, too.
Michael decides to make a shirtdress for Teresa. Then he decides to also make it reversible.
The designers are all scurrying around. At one point, KoMC comments that the pants he has made for Pamela are "damn cute." Tim enters and tells them that the models are there "to check on your progress." The moms and sisters start filing in.
Judy of Many Colors likes what Uli is making. Uli interviews that she has never designed for a "fuller woman." She wanted something "floaty" and she "put the stripes...to elongate her body." Whoozit -- stripes? Elongate? This does not sound good.
We see Vincent hold his design up to Heidi and tell her, "Stay, stay, stay." She replies, "Yes, I will stay." She's really cute, Uli's mom. Vincent says that he knows that he's going to make Heidi feel very good, and that she's comfortable with him "in spirit." And we're back to Crazytown. We see Heidi tell Vincent, "I don't understand anything." She doesn't know how lucky she is to not understand English at this moment.
Lorraine tells Angela in front of Tim that she thinks one of the fabrics she has chosen is "too much color" for her. Angela says, "Okay," and switches out the fabric. Tim tells Angela that she is lucky to have a client with a point of view. He adds that Angela needs to "deliver to Lorraine" but still be true to herself. Lorraine thinks that she may have intimidated Angela, because of her strong opinions about her own style. Hmm, that sounds like a certain baby factory we know.
Tim talks to Darlene at Jeffrey's workspace, sans Jeffrey. He asks her if she is happy with Jeffrey's decisions, and she tells him she is concerned that the colors might be matronly, which is something she tries to avoid. She refers to the periwinkle as "powder blue" and says that it's something she has never worn before. Tim looks a little concerned. He asks her if she told Jeffrey that she was disappointed in the color. "No, he doesn't know." As Darlene is confirming for Tim that the design is not going in the direction she thought it would, Jeffrey arrives. He seems surprised that he's talking to Darlene without him there. Tim says, "I took the advantage of talking to Darlene without you." Faint laughter from Darlene and Jeffrey. Tim tells Jeffrey that Darlene is "ambivalent about the color." She's totally avoiding eye contact with him. You can tell he's immediately defensive, which may just be the product of it being a Tim Gunn Session, but it seems focused on Darlene. "Are you talking about this color?" he says. She totally doesn't want to look at him. Maybe that's because she feels a little guilty about talking a little smack about his design without him there. Or maybe it's because he seems really hostile. He tells Tim in a faux-calm way that the colors that "Darlene gave" him were dark purple (which is present in the design) and dark green, "which didn't look good together." I thought he didn't have any dark green choices? He said his choices of fabric in dark green were "nil." Jeffrey interviews that Darlene was setting him up.
With Tim gone, Jeffrey tells Darlene that he's going to make what he's going to make, and hopefully she'll like it. If she doesn't, he just hopes the judges like it. "Well, if it's not what I expected, why am I being treated like this?" He responds, "I don't appreciate you even standing here." Okay, this whole scene is really enraging, and I kind of hate watching it. This guy is a fucking prick. Darlene -- and it sounds like she's fighting tears, which appears to make Jeffrey grow taller and prouder -- asks him if he talks to everyone like he's talking to her. She says that she would have said the same thing about his design that she said to Tim if Jeffrey had been standing there. Over most of it, he's interrupting her and saying, "How am I treating you?" and "I'm just being honest." Darlene tells him that he has great ideas and is very talented, but she knows what works for her. "Maybe other people find things about you that are beautiful that you don't find in yourself because of your insecurities. How does that sound?" And you're that guy, Jeffrey? Tell us, what is it you find beautiful about Darlene? Or is that just a watered-down way of telling her that she's insecure? Darlene replies, "I think if you have your own taste in clothes doesn't mean that you're insecure." Snap. I feel like I need to make a little disclaimer: I don't find Darlene to be the most sympathetic person on the planet. She's pretty whiny and mousy. And she raised Angela, who can be quite shrill. What bothers me is Jeffrey's behavior -- that the recipient is Darlene is sort of inconsequential to me.
Jeffrey goes to the sewing room, and we hear an interview where he says that he let Darlene know that he didn't appreciate her talking to Tim without him there. In the sewing room, he says to someone, "That crazy bitch is in there telling Tim, 'I don't like the colors.' It's very apropos. I don't get along with her daughter. Why should I get along with her?" Uli's in the room with him and is kind of smiling, but not really paying attention.
In another room, Angela is sitting with Darlene, who is upset. She's crying because "Nobody talks to me that way." Angela, who I think should grow some fucking balls right about now and take Jeffrey downtown, tells Darlene not to let Jeffrey get to her. "There's just so much hate in his voice," says Darlene. Then she starts crying more and puts her hands up to her face. Angela interviews tearfully (but not too tearfully -- for real, someone just made her mom cry; shouldn't she be more upset?) that this is the worst thing that could have happened. She says that Jeffrey is an ass. Not her or her mother. That's interesting that she says that. It's like she's trying to convince herself. I'll make it easy: you're all asses.
Vincent tells Jeffrey that Darlene is crying. "You broke her down. What can I tell you?" Jeffrey says that he was just being honest. God, that's tired. Here's the thing: people who are our parents' age are our elders. Be nice to them, and in turn, maybe other people will be nice to our parents. It's fucking easy. Vincent interviews that Jeffrey is a crybaby and that we are now seeing his true colors.
In the other room, Jeffrey's mom tries to talk Darlene down. She says that Jeffrey is very emotional. It is so freaking uncomfortable. Imagine getting to her age and still having to make excuses for your son. I guess "having to" is the operative phrase in that sentence. Anyway, it's all a bit of a humorless event, this watching grown poseurs being mean to chubby Midwesterners and rich and overly-plucked Baby Boomers making excuses for them. I wish my inner Neil Simon would be a little less Lost in Yonkers and a little more The Star-Spangled Girl right now. That's a fun show.
In the workroom, Pam goes to Jeffrey, hugs him, and says, "It's gonna be okay," as she starts to cry. Christ! Can I see some fucking clothes already? Jeffrey tells her not to cry. I have to say, if I talked to someone the way he'd spoken to Darlene, my mom would really leave me to save my own ass. My mom won't even lie and say I'm not there if someone calls her house that I don't want to speak to. But every family's different. In mine, we don't mind eyebrows so much. Jeffrey interviews that his mom is amazed that he was able to come back from junkie-suicidal-homeless-guy world to his current land of milk and honey and runway projects. He doesn't want to disappoint her by not seeing "Project Runway through to the end." It's kind of hard to care about you making your mom proud when you're so rude to other people's moms.
Later in the sewing room, Angela and Jeffrey are sewing side by side and having an oddly calm conversation. Angela says that she's not entirely sure what happened between Jeffrey and her mother, and he tells her that Darlene deliberately tried to make her look bad in front of Tim Gunn. And he's not going to stand for it. Angela weakly replies, "I doubt it." What the fuck, Angela? You can freak out about a fleur chon but you can't stand up for your MOTHER? I...am just not one of these people. I don't know. Jeffrey concludes that Darlene is "an unhappy customer" and Angela kind of mumbles, "She's also my mom." Wow. Bold. I think you really impressed upon him to what great lengths you will go to defend your mother's honor. Sure, nobody's bleeding or maimed or anything, but...I can't stop talking about this! Okay, I just think I would react differently.
Everyone's hurrying with their work. Michael seems like he's pretty happy with his design, and Uli sings, "Michael's gonna do three in a row!" Michael says that he will faint if wins again.
At the end of the night, Jeffrey interviews that he did better than he thought he would. He mentions that he didn't take a "big piece of chiffon and cut a hole in it and call it a poncho. Like most people did." Just totally pointless. You suck, asshole. I'm practically getting Tourette's, I'm so in dislike of him right -- shitlips! We cut to Robert and the poncho he's made. He says he doesn't love it, but it's what Patricia, Vincent's sister, requested.
Back at the apartment, Uli's looking for some wine. "You're drinking wine now?" asks Laura. She says that she's going to bed. Uli replies, "You're pregnant." Laura kind of brilliantly replies, "Oh, shut up." She interviews that she'll be fine with six kids; she'll just throw the new one on the pile. She tells everyone that she's tired of hearing about herself being pregnant. Then she smiles at the camera as she's eating some sort of cookie or something. Something about Laura is looking a little softer. She's looking pretty cute.
The morning, Michael says that he's excited for the runway show. He knows his mom is going to work it on the runway. In the workroom, Tim enters and tells the designers that they will have an hour and a half to fit their models and send them through hair and make-up. Then he sends the moms and sisters in. Robert says that working with the other designers' relatives is kind of a mindfuck.
Angela helps Darlene get into Jeffrey's design. They are behind a screen, but you hear a mic'd Angela tell Darlene that she can be honest on the runway when the judges ask her if she's uncomfortable. Jeffrey interviews that he will feel good if he is auf'd for this challenge, because it's not something that he has ever prepared for. Again, dogs were easier than bigger people?
When Pamela is sitting in the Tresemme hair salon, KoMC tells the stylist that he wants this "to be just like a beauty day." Or a beauty hour and a half. Judy of Many Colors, who is as dry as KoMC is juicy, says that she's going to "learn the catwalk" and she's "going to embarrass Kayne."
Laura is watching Angela fit Lorraine. She interviews that Angela's work is inconsistent. Parts of it were too basic, while other parts were "too eclectic -- but not in a good way." Commercials. The question this week: who's right in the fight: Angela's mom or Jeffrey? Yeah, this is a tough one.
On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges -- Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Joan Kors. She announces that there will be no immunity for the winner of this challenge.
And the show begins. It's Laura's design, and Pam does a cute little pose behind the scrim before she enters. It's a high-waisted purple skirt with buttons along the front, near the waist. On top she's wearing an updated oxford with a really long scarf. I'm not wild about this, and I really don't like the scarf. It makes the whole thing a little too fussy. Laura interviews that she was nervous when she saw her outfit because it didn't look too flattering on the runway.
Uli's design is , and I'll be damned: her stripes and prints and whatnot have combined to make a really flattering outfit. The top is a tunic made of paisley fabric that has stripes down the middle. There's a panel of pink at the neck. She's paired this with some cute tan slacks. Judy of Many Colors has never been more like her name, and she looks fabulous. Uli says that JoMC was working the runway.
Here's Vincent's design. First of all, Uli's mom Heidi is adorable. The dress is a black, knee-length cocktail dress that's sleeveless and has a tan lapel. There's a v-shape on the back of the dress. At the waist are two panels of pleated black fabric and a little brooch-like buckle. Vincent interviews that it was the most "heartwarming" show that he'd ever been a part of. He must have steered clear of Angela and Jeffrey for the majority of the time. I'm not in love with the lapel on the dress. It looks costume-y.
Kayne of Many Colors's outfit is here, and Pamela means business. The outfit is kind of...not great. It's essentially a well-made pair of pedal pushers, and a long-sleeved blouse with this scarf thing attached. Pamela has cute calves, so the pants were smart, but the top is odd. It doesn't really flow, and it honestly looks like someone attached a flag or something to the front of it. KoMC says that Pamela didn't smile on the runway, and he was afraid the judges would think she was unhappy with her outfit.
Angela's garment is . It's a long-sleeved black v-neck shirt and pants with a fringed wrap skirt over the pants. The shirt and pants appear to be made of jersey material -- kind of like pajamas. I kind of think it looks nice. It has an Auntie Mame feel to it, which seems very Lorraine. And she looks cute in it. Angela feels that Lorraine "really embodied the feel of casual elegance."
Oh no, it's Robert's. It's a black sack with a red half-sack over it. Really. It's the simplest of shapeless black dresses. The red jacket thing is shapeless as well, and it has two embarrassing scarf appendages on it, which poor Patricia was apparently cajoled into whipping around her neck. She does so while appearing to be in great pain. Patricia's no Nicole Richie, but I feel that this design has made her look unnecessarily blimp-like. Again, I can't believe that the producers brought these people on the show to have their appearances critiqued by all of us. What mom is going to say "no" when it could mean so much for your kid's future? Shit, Jeffrey's mom would let someone make an outfit out of her kidneys if it meant Jeffrey might win, or not die in a gutter. Okay, stakes are higher there.
Michael's design is . Teresa, Robert's sister, is a knockout. The dress is a reversible shirtdress, with a tie-belt that matches the fabric. It's looks nice, except for the belt loops, which are so visible that they practically change the silhouette. The dress opens a little bit at the knee, where it shows a little more of the reversible fabric, which is a nice touch. Michael interviews that Teresa "worked the hell out of the dress. She looked as good as some of the models, actually." And she does look really good.
Sweet Sally Struthers, it's Darlene. She does this Brechtian saluting move behind the scrim that's so amazing. I've watched it 95 times now. Wow, this dress may be a little Brechtian too. It's saying, "I don't want you to like me. Look at me!" It's a...shirt? And a vest? There are panels. The sleeves are padded. The collar's kind of nice. Aside from Wendy Pepper's candy outfit, I really don't think I've found any design uglier than this. It's just wrong. Jeffrey says simply, "Angela's mom looked cute." He adds that he made something modest and thoughtful.
After the judges score the designs, Heidi tells the designers that they are going to keep all of them for questioning. She tells Laura, Angela, and Jeffrey to leave the runway -- the questioning will take place in two groups. The models for the remaining designers return to the runway.
Michael explains that Teresa is a business consultant in England, so he made her a shirtdress suitable for a woman on the go. Also, it's completely reversible. Heidi seems impressed. Joan likes it a lot. Michael Kors is not wild about the belt, but loves the idea.
Uli explains that she wanted to give Judy of Many Colors a lot of...color. And the stripes were to elongate. Michael thinks that it's understated and chic at the same time. Nina asks Judy if she would wear her outfit, and she says that she would wear it when she went out to eat with her husband. There's something really endearing about her reply. Nina points out, and I think she's totally correct, that the piece looks like something Uli would make, yet it's perfect for Judy at the same time. Honestly, the more I look at the design, the more I like it. I'm not usually wild about Uli's crazy prints, but this I really enjoy.
KoMC explains his outfit for Pamela as something that could be worn separately or together. Nina says that she is not fond of the "matchy-matchy" qualities of the different fabrics on the blouse. It looks to me now like Pamela is wearing a satin bib. Michael thinks that KoMC could have made something a little younger-looking.
Vincent says that he loved working with Uli's mom. Then there's some Heidi-on-Heidi German conversation. Afterwards, Heidi Klum Seal says, "She loved the dress." Joan loves the dress. She thinks it's flattering and appropriate. Michael thinks it looks great on Heidi. Nina agrees with the others, and tells Vincent that he did a wonderful job. He thanks them, and Heidi (Uli's mom) puts her hand on Vincent's forearm as a show of support. Adorable!
Nina tells Robert that making a tank dress for Patricia was an easy route. She's frustrated with him. They all wish that he'd used a print or something. Robert says that he was trying to make Patricia feel comfortable, and she even says that she loves the dress. The judges aren't buying it. Michael feels like it has no personality.
The group comes onto the runway. Angela mentions that Lorraine wanted to emulate Audrey Hepburn. Nina thinks it looks too young. Joan and Michael don't see Audrey at all. I kind of disagree with them. Remember all of those Unicef-era tunics and slacks that she wore? Angela's outfit doesn't seem too far removed from that. Michael thinks it looks like Stevie Nicks, which I find funny.
Laura says that she tried to give Pam a grown-up sailor suit. Heidi says that it's well-made but unflattering. Pam says that she would wear the outfit to dinner, but -- like she would say anything else after Jeffrey's behavior. Michael thinks that the collar, scarf, and buttons on the design make Pam look older.
Jeffrey explains that Darlene has worked at the Salvation Army for two years. She has to correct him. She works at the Red Cross. Now I see where everything went wrong. Her dress would be a HIT at the Salvation Army. It's just not Red Cross material, though. God, I hate it when wires get crossed like that. How many people have to die before we start listening to each other? Jeffrey says that Darlene expressed "body consciousness" and wanted to be covered. Everything that comes out of his mouth sound so jerky. Heidi asks Darlene if she likes her outfit. She says that she and Jeffrey are different and "a lot was lost in translation." She feels matronly, and if she saw the dress in a department store, she would walk past it.
Jeffrey says that he was trying to please Darlene while putting his own stamp on the garment. Michael says that he can see Jeffrey in the garment. He says that it looks like Jeffrey was trying to please Darlene, "but not really." He thinks Jeffrey ended up with a confused garment. Heidi says she doesn't love it, but she can see his point of view. She asks Angela how she thinks her mother looks. "Not attractive. I think it's embarrassing." Still, no balls on that one.
The judges deliberate. They like Uli, Michael, and Vincent. Michael says that Vincent found a way to make something classic that still felt interesting, which is the first reason I've heard in favor of that dress that makes sense, because it seemed fairly blah to me. They don't like Angela, KoMC, Robert, Laura (though they think the tailoring was perfect), or Jeffrey. Michael Kors should get some sort of prize for saying that Jeffrey's outfit looked like "Comme des Garcons goes to the Amish country."
The designers come back to the stage. Commercials. Seventy percent of voters think Angela's mom was right in the fight. We're back. Michael was immune, so he's "in." Laura is "in." Vincent won. VINCENT WON A CHALLENGE. Wow. I was not expecting that. I'm kinda feeling like Uli was robbed, but...nice job, Vincent. He interviews that he's glad he won because it feels like when he was doing business in New York. Ah, business in New York, the pre-crazy years. His sister and Uli's mom are hugging him backstage
Uli is "in." KoMC is "in." Angela is "in." Heidi tells Jeffrey that his outfit was a failure. She tells Robert that he's boring. He is not fashion-forward, nor do they see a point of view from him. In the end, Robert is "out."
Backstage, everyone hugs Robert. He interviews that he has learned a lot about himself as a designer while on the show. KoMC tells Robert, "You brighten up my sunshine every morning. You make me laugh."
Now, beautifully encapsulating how stupid he is, Jeffrey is crying while his mother comforts him. "They're not all good people," he says as his mother shhhhs him. "That's the bottom line. They're not all good people. And Robert's a good person." Tell me, you dim fuck, which of the people on that show have exhibited more bad-person qualities than you? Poseur. I have a feeling Jeffrey cries a lot when his mother's around. Nobody else would listen for a second to his declarations about who's a good person and who isn't.
Robert gets a huge round of applause when he leaves to clean up his workspace. He says that his experience on the show feels like nothing he has ever known, or probably will ever know. I feel kind of shocked that Robert is going home. Not because his design wasn't boring as dirt, but because he just seems like such a winner in general. Dear God, no more tension like this, though. What ? Are we going to start unhooking life support systems at the local nursing home? Throwing stink bombs into christenings? For real, let's just stick to the clothes for like five freaking seconds. My inner Neil Simon would like to watch Taxi Driver to lighten his mood.