All of my dreams fulfilled.
First of all, John Wade has lost like 100 pounds. Not like that's the most important thing in the world, but holy shit.
They're all back, and some people are pissed, and some are just drunk (I'm talking to you, Lupe).
As predicted, Chloe was the one who gave Santino what-for. Granted, she did it with a fairly soft touch, but it was Chloe's what-for. Also, Zulema totally had to answer for her harsh treatment of her model, Rachael. And poor Rachael finally gets a break from network television and leaves the episode with more dignity than she started with.
Andrae emerged as the most clip-worthy designer. His crying jags, accent, and movement all warranted clip montages.
In the end, everyone seems quite lovable -- forgive me for saying this, but maybe even Santino. A brilliant episode all around.
As would be sung on the Reality Bites soundtrack: Reunion! I love reality television reunion shows so much -- and can't really explain why. I love people complaining about editing. I love how the participants adopt new personas on top of what we've already seen. They are always more dignified, like they're at a memorial service. It's as if the pressure of the experience has turned them into diamonds. Or so they think. I don't know if that explains it, but I certainly hope this crew lives up to my reality television reunion expectations.
The designers start arriving at da club. The arrival march is a device that is probably used to re-familiarize the audience with the sequence of elimination, but it oddly smacks of punishment. I mean, what's sadder than an empty nightclub? Sure, lots of things. So, Heidi Standridge and John Wade arrive together. But, something is missing…damn, it's the other half of John! He's…Jesus, he's like 80 pounds thinner. He looks great! Heidi looks the same. John finds the bright side of being the first people at the party -- "There's one good part to being kicked off first. We get to drink first." Isn't that the South Beach Diet? We see a clip of him telling Michael Kors that he only spent eight hours making his dress. (For this episode, due to the rehashing nature of the content, I'm not going to link to past episodes for every flashback. There would likely be some sort of rip in the fabric of time. )
We see Heidi tell Mrs. Klum Seal that she doesn't know what "auf wiedersehen" means. I still find that kind of annoying, her attempt to sell herself as the good ol' southern girl. It's not like she was the only person keeping it real and people from Ohio and California are merely acting like they understand what "auf wiedersehen" means. And: I took four years of German in Alabama schools. Granted, it's ugly when I try to use it. Thank God most Germans speak English. But I knew what fucking "auf wiedersehen" meant before I was even in a German course. My point is that the only thing she's really accomplishing is making the South seem xenophobic, because we know she knows what "auf wiedersehen" means. Well, she doesn't mind Mexico -- she's having a Corona.
Kirsten Ehrig arrives. She's wearing a long coat. Once removed, it appears that Ms. Ehrig has gotten herself knocked up. Wow, I really had high hopes for her. Kidding. She looks lovely. Already, I'm loving that we've got one big weight loss and one really pregnant person. Changes! John rubs Kirsten's tummy and they hug. She tells them that she's seven months pregnant.
Raymundo Baltazar arrives. If you recall, Raymundo provided Michael Kors with his best material of the season. Kirsten asks him if he has stayed out of trouble, and he takes the bait and replies, "Trouble, I'm not quite sure. Busy, yes."
Daniel Franco glides out of the limo at the front door. He's wearing a colorful little ensemble. Red shirt, black slacks, black tie, and a blazer with a red, black, and white swirly pattern all over it. As well, there is a print of the Rolling Stones mouth and tongue logo thing all over his jacket. He says, "Wait a minute, what's that?" pointing at Kirsten's womb and doing that weird, mannered posing thing he does so well. As he cups his ear and feigns listening to Kirsten's unborn child, Raymundo says, "You know -- you're straight -- what happened." I detect some sarcasm in his voice. Who can blame him? The blazer, people. I try not to reference him, because I'm not 75, but -- Rip Taylor. That's all I'm saying.
Lupe's here. As she exits the limo that brought her there, she's smacking some gum and her eyes are like saucers. We see her elimination, when she was scolded for attempting to make Nicky Hilton look less than the class act the entire planet knows her to be. Inside, she does this weird little dance to the bar. Am I being unfair, or is Lupe just really fucking freaky? Seriously, since day one, she has frightened me! There's something crazy about her that I say is visible on sight.
Marla and Diana arrive, and someone screams, "The twins!" They both seem happy to be there. We see Michael Kors tell them that their design looks like a stewardesses' uniform. He really worked the comparisons this year, didn't he? I remember Marla on the Today show the day. When she was asked how she felt about Michael's criticism, she said, "Well, I thought he was right. It did kind of look like a stewardess." That's why I liked her. She may not have been the most innovative person in the room, but she was able to see where she was going wrong, which is a lot more than you can say for most people on these shows. They never think their work is less than stellar.
Raymundo asks Diana if she is drinking or if she "is afraid 'Dirty Diana' is gonna come out." We are treated to footage of Diana busting a move with the other designers.
At the bar, Marla is asking for seltzer water as Lupe is latching onto a mondo-sized cocktail. This is gonna be good.
Emmett arrives, via taxicab. His hair is sort of orange. Naturally, footage of Emmett in his figure-skating costume is shown, because it is easily one of the funniest moments on this entire program. I'm giggling again at how much fun they all had.
Here's Zulema. She looks really pretty. We see footage of Nina Garcia telling Zulema that she has execution problems on her designs. Marla hugs Zulema when she enters. They keep showing Lupe with a giant cocktail. It's likely that she's just sipping on the same one, but if feels a little as if we're being led to believe that she's drinking faster than the others. Maybe it's just that her drink is bigger and more colorful than anyone else's, and therefore more noticeable.
Andrae's here! Immediately, we see Tim Gunn being made privy to the Tim, Andrae, and Red Lobster saga. As well, there's a flashback to Michael hating on Andrae's garden party dress.
Moving along, it's Nick. He hugs Emmett as soon as he arrives. We revisit the moment when Nick is getting criticism for his suit for Daniel Vosovic. Still say it wasn't that bad, but…bygones. He looks at John Wade and says, "Amazing change. It's Star Jones." That's really funny. John's such a good sport too. An old picture of John is juxtaposed with split-screen footage of him responding to Nick's "Star Jones" comment -- "If you make one more Star Jones comment, I swear to God- I'm gonna choke ya, bitch. I'm gonna choke ya, bitch!"
Kara has arrived. Footage of her being eliminated for making a boring dress for Iman is shown. She flashes what appears to be an engagement ring to the other designers. More drinking. Credits roll.
Post-credits, all of the designers (except Daniel V., Chloe, and Santino) are sitting on sofas. Heidi welcomes them all to the "Second Season Reunion Special" and introduces Tim Gunn to enthusiastic applause. A lot of the designers have shiny drunk eyes.
Heidi asks everyone how their lives have changed since the show. Heidi Standridge says that a lot has changed. "One lady wants me to be the head designer for her firm." I'm sorry -- I'm not trying to pick on the poor girl, but does that sound unconvincing to anyone? One lady? It just sounds a lot like, "Yeah, I'm working on several projects at the moment." Stranger still is Lupe's response. She does this Sarcastic Clapping Family slow clap -- but really intense. Like, I'm worried about her breaking a bone in her hand. Real hard clapping.
Heidi Klum Seal points out that John looks "completely different." He clearly doesn't really want to talk about it, but everyone applauds and he responds graciously.
Tim mentions that Nick designed a dress for Brenda Strong, Mary Alice from Desperate Housewives. Andrae gasps for air and applauds. Nick says that she had seen the show and liked the dress that he designed for Nicky Hilton, so he adapted it for her to wear to the SAG Awards. Wow, that's really awesome. Heidi Host (from here on in this recap, "Hosti") asks if his family watched the show, and Nick replies that he would watch it with one eye covered. He plays Uncle Nick a little more and talks about his niece and nephew watching, though it was on after their bedtime. Jesus, it was on after my bedtime! How about how late this show is aired? In other news, Nick is being a little too coy for my tastes. Hosti remarks that the special edition My Scene Barbie that Nick designed was almost impossible to get. "They went like bagels." I love Heidi Klum. Everyone just kind of laughs at her, so she turns to Tim Gunn and asks him if that was right. He says, "Hotcakes." She replies, "Hotcakes. Bagels. See, how would I know? I'm German."
Hosti asks who the designers thought should have made it to the final three. Raymundo says Nick. Nick laughs a little too graciously and says he gave it his all and the rest was "up to the fashion gods." Kara says with a laugh that she can't remember her elimination, so she can't remember if (to her) it was justified or not.
Now, Hosti brings out the final three designers. They pose behind the Project Runway scrim before coming out. Daniel and Chloe both get generous applause. There's a pause before Santino gets any applause, and I'm wondering if that's editor-manipulated, to make you think that everyone's pissed at him. They probably are to some extent, but I wonder if they'd let it show at this early juncture in the reunion. ["It did seem a little stagy compared to the non-plause that greeted Pepper." -- Sars]
Right off, Tim mentions that the other designers questioned Chloe's ambition. They watch the footage of the designers choosing Chloe for elimination. "Oh God," says Santino as he is watching. Chloe says that she does indeed have passion. She says that she wanted to kick Santino's ass for months (by the way, she's sitting right to him) because calling another designer a "pattern maker" like Santino did is one of the worst insults you can give a designer. Santino says, "I knew it was a cutting thing to say."
At this point, Daniel Franco speaks up and sounds pretty angry. "What about that cutthroat shit? Why is it that you felt you had to do the cutthroat thing? Why? The? Cut? Throat? Thing?" Okay, good point, but everyone's uncomfortable.
Santino has prepared for this moment. "You know what I'm saying. It's just straight shit-talking. And there's a part of this competition that's like a basketball game. Like, 'You suck.' 'Your mama.' I didn't come on this show to make friends. I came on to win." Chloe fulfills my prophecy that she would be the one to call him on his shit. She says that maybe he wanted to win, but he offended everyone along the way. She adds that maybe he didn't realize that he was offending people, but he did. Not as explosive as I was hoping, but pretty good. Especially because she just assumes that he wouldn't want to offend people. By the way, shit-talking is only effective as a game plan when you are trying to intimidate someone face-to-face. Otherwise, you're just an asshole. It's not like Santino insulting Diana in an interview away from the other designers played any part in the competition. It was just mean talk from an asshole. It may help Santino in his pursuit of celebrity, but that's about it. Santino is starting to seem less Shakespeare and more Britney Spears.
Santino replies that none of his remarks came from a "mean place." They were all just part of his strategy to win. That's such bullshit. I don't believe for a moment that he didn't mean everything he said. Hosti shows a clip montage of Santino trashing everyone. It starts with Santino saying he doesn't like to critique the work of other designers. Interspersed within, we see clips from other people responding to Santino. Diana says that she liked Santino until she found out he would say mean things about her when she wasn't around. Then, we see Santino trashing Diana and a split-screen with her reaction. She just kind of has a half smile on her face that's really sort of heartbreaking. Santino just makes a face like, "Oh, well. She doesn't like me." We see a Chloe interview where she says Santino is mean. Ending the montage is a clip of Santino interviewing that he is "overall a compassionate and nice person." This gets a big laugh from the designers, as well as Daniel Franco screaming, "I want your glue gun." Well, I don't get that.
Hosti says that Santino actually had no problem talking about the other designers. He replies -- and again, this seems so calculated on his part -- that he is shocked as well when he watches the show. Tim Gunn calls bullshit in a tiny way, by just saying, "Do you really?" Hosti asks what the other designers think. "I love Santino!" screams Lupe. Santino is thinking, "You're not really helping here." Okay, Lupe just seemed so crazy right then. Kara pulls it back to sane and says that she thought Santino was hurtful. She didn't like what he said about Diana. Hosti, though we just saw the freaking clip montage, asks what he said and Kara reminds her that Santino said he doesn't like the way Diana talks. Diana says she was surprised because it was about her and not her talent.
Tim asks Nick to talk about his and Santino's "major falling out." Nick had a difficult time with Santino from the beginning; however, he respected Santino's artistic vision. That changed once he saw the show and the nasty things that Santino said in his interviews. Santino actually seems a little affected by this. I don't think he wants Nick to dislike him. Santino sings that tired old song about how he doesn't regret the things that he said, only that they hurt some people. That's like saying, "I don't regret hitting you with this bat, but I wish that your bones hadn't broken." That's what happens when you hit people.
Hosti wants to know how the designers feel about the runway shows. Chloe says that defending a garment was the hardest part of the show, as she is not used to talking about the designs. Tim mentions that the designers were much more vocal during the runway talkbacks than the Season One contestants. This gets a laugh from the designers. Raymundo says, "We feel too much." He adds that you have so many ideas that you want to express in that short period of time.
We see a montage of the judges talking alone. We see Jay McCarroll and Kara going round and round about her ugly Inspiration dress. There's Andrae defending his choice to not put a Barbie wig on Danyelle. Wow, they're showing longer clips than they showed during the initial airing. Jay practically told Kara to shut up. Diane von Furstenberg apparently called some bullshit on Zulema when she was defending her ass-baring dress from the Clothes Off Your Back challenge. And the jewel is Santino during the talkback for the lingerie challenge. As he was yelling at Nina Garcia, Daniel Franco apparently stepped in and slammed Santino's collection. He said women wouldn't want to wear it. Santino's reply? "You don't date the same kind of girls that I do." You mean the ones with penises? Sorry, I didn't even have to type that. It wrote itself.
Kirsten, who you will recall is a lawyer, said that she felt that talking back on the runway would have been like talking back to a judge. "You didn't see any clip of me in there. I felt like it was the Court of Appeal of fashion." Emmett says that designing puts a person in a vulnerable state, which makes you defensive.
Hosti remarks that Santino talked the most on the runway, and he agrees, saying that it felt like a "fistfight" every time he was on the runway. It seemed to Hosti that Santino never took into consideration what anyone else said. He disagrees, saying that he just didn't "subscribe to what [they] were saying." Daniel V. finally speaks up, and it sounds like he's defending Santino. He says that Santino used every aspect of his contact with the judges. Chloe adds that Santino used "personality, skill, talent" to his benefit. I'm not sure he deserves the defense. Maybe he can justify his actions, but let him do it. Santino adds that he attempted to intimidate the judges, which apparently worked. Hosti says that Nina Garcia has given quotes saying that she thought Santino was going to kill her, and Santino knows the quote by heart. Tim asks him how he feels about what Nina said. "It makes me feel bad." Then, Tim asks Daniel F. about his "intervention" when Santino was discussing his lingerie with the judges. He says that he felt Santino was being unprofessional. I'm on his side until he weirdly chokes up and says, "I just spoke from my heart." Why does he have to be so uncomfortable all of the time?
Tim reads a question from a poster at the Bravo website. He says it's from some girl named Arianne and it's for Lupe. "Heyeah, Arianne!" She has lost her mind. Santino asks, "Have you guys been drinking or something?" A better question might be, "Have you guys been drinking and something?" Santino adds, "Because I want what they're having," to which Daniel Franco replies all crazy, "Exactly." Tim reads the question to Lupe -- "Do you feel your elimination was fair given that Marla had plagiarized a dress that Nicky Hilton had worn before?"
Lupe's reply is as follows: "Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me, would know what my personal response is. And, that is of me. And, personally, I believe you can't like push the boundaries and, like, Johnny Cash, walk the line." Hosti, bless her heart, asks, "What was the question? I totally lost track?"
Tim, looking a little annoyed, repeats the question. Lupe continues, "Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And, Arianne, on national television, if you can get this, you fucking rock because you believe in what is true. Period." Of course, [sic] all over the place. Tim replies, "This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard in weeks." Lupe replies meekly, "I agree as well." That is a fucking riot. The Marla's aesthetic bit is gold. I'm not sure if she was even trying to be clever, but it almost seems really deep. Everyone seems totally bewildered by Lupe.
Tim brings up Andrae's runway crying jag. They're going to look at a clip, but first Hosti has a question. Andrae interrupts her and says, "Were they real tears? Indeed they were." Hosti says she wasn't sure, because he's from Los Angeles. Everyone gets upset about this because they're all from L.A. Santino, in fact, gets up and takes off his jacket like he's going to fight with Heidi. I realize he's just joking, but I wouldn't cultivate a reputation for physically intimidating women. Not so nice. Hosti continues that a lot of people in Los Angeles "do acting classes." They show a clip of the crying bit. There's a clock at the bottom of the screen. It's lasting forever. If they had shown this much when it actually happened, I might have loved Andrae because of it, for it is epic. It clocks out at nine minutes and fifty-three seconds. When it's over, Andrae explains that it's tough to watch. And Chloe is wiping away tears. Done. I fucking love Chloe. Because, though Andrae was being real, it's hard not to laugh at drama that's so much. She's a really nice person.
Santino says that Andrae being "thoughtful and compassionate" is why he is a great designer, which gets claps from the others. Hosti, ironically, mentions that people think Andrae has an accent. He says that he and Madonna use the same voice coach. That's good. Man, these guys are hard to recap. They're really funny. Tim introduces a montage of the other designers mimicking Andrae, as well as his reactions to things. We see a series of Von Trapp flounces out of the Atlas Building's revolving door. Chloe interviews that Andrae has an "English, French, gay accent." That's kind of redundant, isn't it? …Yes, I did.
Tim reads another question from the website. He prefaces, saying that it is a very important question being asked everywhere. "Who said, 'Where the hell is my chiffon?'" Andrae takes credit for it, though he doesn't recall saying it.
Hosti introduces a Tim Gunn montage. Lots of moments when he was criticizing designs. He tells Santino that his lingerie looks like a "jockstrap." We see the clip when he trashed Rachael. After the montage, Nick says that he respected Tim. Daniel Franco feels that Tim "can give a point of view and still be selfless." I get that. Tim is invested in the designs, but doesn't shy from harping on their mistakes. Tim says that he has "affection" for the designers. A montage of Santino doing his Tim Gunn impression follows this. Something we didn't see is Santino reciting the lyrics to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. God, that's perfect. Afterwards, Santino says that Tim has a good sense of humor.
Hosti says that all none of the designers wanted to mess with a person named "She-tangi." Zulema is asked to explain, but she just goes, "Um." Hosti introduces a clip. Apparently, "She-tangi" is Zulema's alter ego. She's a "tell-it-like-it-is sister." Zulema was a real bitch. We see clips of her not sharing closet space with Marla, yelling about her missing dress form, and bitching at Kara as she was crying.
, Hosti brings up when Zulema took Tarah from Nick. We watch a clip of the mutherfucking walk-off. Rachael and Tarah come out after the clip. Nick says that he felt that "someone had punched [his] stomach" when Zulema took Tarah. Hosti asked Tarah if she was upset too, and she said she had heard that Zulema wasn't easy to work with. Rachael said that Zulema's designs were always unfinished, so she would have to get pinned into it -- which hurts. Rachael says that Zulema once asked her if she could glue her into a dress. "I'm kind of a real person, but…okay, I guess." This gets a few chuckles from the other designers. Hosti brings up the dress that Zulema made that exposed her backside. Apparently, Rachael didn’t know it showed so much of her backside until she saw it on television. Zulema talks some smack about how Rachael can't walk and that she was trying to help her by giving her to Nick. This gets a big eye-roll from Rachael. For real, though. At least she got to speak up for herself.
Hosti shows a montage of shit-talking designers. Andrae on Emmett. Emmett on Santino. Chloe on Marla. Santino on Marla. Nick on Marla. Nick on Lupe. Zulema on Lupe. Chloe on Zulema. Nick on Zulema. Andrae on Zulema. Chloe on Daniel Franco. Raymundo on Daniel. And: let's pause. That was funny. He thinks Daniel Franco is closeted. Moving on. Afterwards, Raymundo says that he knows now that Daniel Franco is straight. Andrae says that he was wrong to say the things he said about Emmett.
Tim asks Marla how she felt watching the show. She says it was painful. She actually seems a little choked up. She says, "It was really painful to hear you say that." I'm assuming she's talking about our little angel, Nick. It's funny, he's bothered by what Santino said, but we just saw plenty of nasty stuff coming out of his mouth. Marla continues, saying that she has a point of view and that she makes some clothes that some women seem to like (which is totally heartbreaking) and "I don't know. Maybe I was out of my league." Daniel V. puts his hand on her knee and says that he commends Marla for having her own business. Andrae reminds everyone that you have to be accountable for what you say.
Tim introduces Project Runway: The Musical. Lots of Santino singing his fun made-up songs. Then, Nick. Andrae joins in. There's one song, lyrics as follows: "Daniel Franco where did you go? I hardly got to know ya Daniel Franco where did you go? Don't give up Daniel Franco, where did you go? See you in Season Three Daniel Franco, where did you…Daniel? Daniel, come back…Where did you go?!!" At the end of the song, there's a heart-shaped panel at the bottom of the screen with Daniel Franco blowing a kiss. Ambitious. And totally scary.
, Tim reads another question. He asks Hosti why they eliminated Daniel Franco, when everyone hated Santino's lingerie. She says that Santino's point of view was stronger. Daniel Franco says that he can respect their point of view and that they might see him for Season Three. Then, there's a weird pause and he says, "I love you, Heidi." Not totally unexpected at this point, but fucking freaky nonetheless. Commercials.
We're back, and Chloe, Daniel V., and Santino are gone. Hosti asks them who they think will win. In a montage, Marla says Daniel V., Raymundo says Chloe, Emmett says Chloe, Daniel F. says Danny V., Kirsten says Daniel V., and Nick kind of vaguely says Santino. When they're back, Zulema says she has no opinion, which is pretty sour grapes, if you ask me. Just pick a fucking person. Daniel F. says Daniel V. again. Tim says that he is surprised to hear Nick support Santino. Nick replies that there are more important things in the world than his own feelings about Santino. That's surprising to hear. As well, it's the end of the show.
I loved every freaking moment of this episode.