Previously: the designers had to design wedding dresses with their models as their clients. Morgan was Jay's model, and was reliably difficult. Nora, while maintaining her sanity, designed an embarrassingly traditional wedding dress for Melissa and was sent home. Meanwhile, Robert cracked his skull showing off for Alexandra. Only seven designers left!
It's morning at the Atlas apartments and we see unflattering sleeping shots of several of the designers. Kevin regrets his "spat" with Nora, because he really respects her and thinks that she is a terrific designer. Kara Saun also interviews that she thinks Nora was extremely talented. Now, though, it makes everyone feel that winning the competition might be a possibility. This is the same sentiment Jay expressed when Vanessa was eliminated.
Heidi greets the designers on the runway. She tells them that their new challenge is creating a swimsuit that can be worn to "an exclusive fashion-industry party." Huh? It sounds like they are being asked to create an entirely new genre of clothing, because when was the last time you saw someone get out of a pool and say, "Anna Sui is throwing a party door? Let me just grab my shoes. God, I'm so glad I have this pool-to-exclusive fashion-industry party swimsuit." The only parties where people in swimsuits mingle with people in evening clothes are at Cannes and Hugh Hefner's house. Heidi tells them that they only have five hours to finish their designs.
Heidi has the button bag, and the girls enter in their black slips. Kara Saun chooses first. She goes with Jenny again. She plays a kind of mean trick on her and all of the girls, though. She holds onto her button and says, "Jenny, thank you so much. You did a wonderful job, and since this is a bikini competition...I think I'm going to have you again." It's not nice, first, to make Jenny believe briefly that she couldn't pull off a bikini. Second, it's not nice then to make the other models feel (even if just for a second) like they couldn't make a bikini work either. Like these girls probably don't have enough body baggage as it is, Kara Saun. Kevin goes with the "party monster," Morgan. Whatever fate befalls you, Kevin Johnn, you have brought it upon yourself. Jay is the last to choose. Julia and Joy remain. Jay chooses Julia, per usual. Wendy Pepper wipes an air tear away for, I guess, the benefit of the cameras. Backstage, Joy says she has enjoyed her time on the show, and that leaving feels like the last day of camp. Best wishes, Joy!
The designers meet Tim Gunn at Mood, the fabric store. They have thirty minutes to shop and $75 for supplies. Alexandra tells Tim that she has found a Missoni-like fabric. He affirms that it does indeed look like Missoni. Austin says he is inspired by Esther Williams movies, which I think we could have all guessed. Wendy Pepper discusses thongs with a random Mood employee. He asks her how "this thong" will be cut, and she replies, "I don't wear a thong. I don't know." I'm actually going to sleep a little better tonight knowing that. Wendy interviews that swimsuit designing is completely foreign to her, as are the concepts of compassion and sunny dispositions.
Back at Parsons, everyone gets started. I must say, it looks like they are all getting into the groove of these challenges. Everyone is just plowing forward, whereas earlier everyone would be freaking out about time constraints. And, they have even less time for this challenge than they have had before. Good job, guys. Jay says he remembers a swimsuit he once saw with lots of straps, and that it inspires him. Kara Saun says that she wants her design to be "society girl." Last week, Kara Saun was interested in proving her versatility to the judges. Well, this makes the third design that she has dropped "society girl" or "debutante" as an inspiration:
1. Her pitch to the fake rock star
2. Her wedding dress
Now, that's a pretty smart marketing scheme, because that demographic has a lot of dough, but it is not a display of diversity. Alexandra says she thinks the strongest designers on the show are herself, Austin, and Kara Saun. As she says this, we see Austin cross the Workshop in his Laura Ashley sofa ensemble. Alexandra is from Miami, so she feels that the swimsuit challenge will be easy for her. Then, she describes her inspirations: Missoni, and a design Michael Kors did for Celine a few years back. I guess she is hoping that he will be flattered, but it doesn't seem wise to copy the design of one of the judges of the competition.
I may have spoken too soon. About everyone being calm. Kara Saun interviews that everyone is tightly wound and that "screaming at the sewing machines is not going to help." That statement is followed by Jay screaming at a sewing machine. This seems to be a bit of a running theme with Jay. It also needs mentioning that he has a scarf patterned like the Wonder Bread logo wrapped around his head. Kevin tells Jay that everything is going to be fine or whatever shit it is that passive-aggressive people say to people with energy when they want the energetic people to be quiet and feel shitty about themselves. Really, though, it's a race against time, Kevin. Get ready for people to get excited. You're not at a polo match. Jay explains to Kevin that he is behind schedule, and that his design looks like a "gay man's S&M costume." He calls one of the machines a "fat fuck" and begs it to work. He interviews that he was feeling himself losing his grip and was convinced that he would be off of the show. We see him walking down the hall at Parsons as the screen goes black and white like your vision does right before you pass out. Commercials.
When we are back, Austin is sewing away. His design looks beautiful. He says that he really focused on making it a functional swimsuit. Wendy reminds us that the challenge must be completed in less time than challenges have been allotted. In an interview, Kevin describes his design as "avant-garde/classic." Or, more succinctly, "everything." He explains that there will be a tuxedo swimsuit, with a "scuba" mini skirt. Kevin adds that you have to tell yourself that your design is a winner in order to pull it off without any mistakes. He doesn't look like he believes himself.
Jay walks past the Fashion Cemetery (which now contains Nora's wedding dress) on his way into the Workshop. He says that he smoked a cigarette and, in that time, figured out what he needed to do. He interviews, "Yeah, my cigarette's my savior. They should call them a pack of saviors." Sweet Jesus, that guy is funny.
Tim Gunn enters at 4:45 to tell them he will be back in fifteen minutes. Everyone scrambles. Kara Saun says, as everyone is hunched over a sewing machine, that she has a feeling that "something" is going to happen at 5pm. She's right. Tim stops them at 5pm and announces that the designers will be taking their swimsuit-clad models to a party at Hiro, which is in The Maritime Hotel. He adds that being a successful fashion designer requires getting your name in the press. Luckily, Richard Johnson of Page Six is going to be at the party. Getting his attention will be part of the challenge. Whoever gets mentioned in Page Six will be the winner of the challenge.
The designers all start fitting their models. Jenny says that she feels lucky that she got Kara Saun. Austin is glad he has Melissa, who is comfortable with her body and able to work a party. We see Robert speaking Russian to Olga, which I guess should be no surprise, since he spent three years living there. Assorted designers talk about how important publicity is to the fashion designer. Wendy is dressing Martinique in her design. It, of course, resembles Wendy's other designs. Because Wendy Pepper is a hack. She tries to get Martinique to wear the thong she made. Martinique's restrained, professional reply is, "Is there any way I can have more coverage?" Of course, Wendy is highly annoyed that Martinique doesn't want to show tina to the whole world. Alexandra's bikini bottom is far too small. Erin, Alexandra's model, is possibly one of the thinnest people I have ever seen, and she's squeezing out of the suit. Julia says, as she is introduced to Jay's suit, "I'm glad I shaved my bikini line." Morgan tells Kevin that she is glad she is not wearing Jay's suit. Yeah, no one cares, Morgan. She also says to Kevin about his suit, "What would you do if I lost it?"
We get a fun little montage of everyone trashing each other's designs. Alexandra and Jay both think that Kevin's suit bites. Austin doesn't like Wendy's. He says her suit is a "mini-dress," and that he doesn't think she has what it takes to pull this challenge off. As well, he gives lovely sound bite in the form of "More often than not, she ends up making a mess." You hold onto that grudge, Austin Scarlett! You are our only hope.
As Kevin is dressing Morgan, she burps and laughs. She seriously wants to be Cameron Diaz, doesn't she? Kevin feels Morgan's outrageous behavior is going to be a benefit, since it might be the thing to grab Richard Johnson's attention.
Everyone goes to the party. Heidi is there too, which is pretty cool. I wonder if the girls feel weird walking around in bikinis. All of the designers are looking at Richard Johnson, who seems creepy, but he is famously vengeful so why don't I just shut up. I will only go so far as to say that his hair resembles Neil Diamond's. And, his teeth are really really white. Jenny, in Kara Saun's swimsuit, is the first to approach Richard. Richard is standing with John McDonald, restaurateur. These two make good sport of pretending to look Jenny in the eye. Kara introduces herself to the two guys. John McDonald asks Kara Saun if she's responsible for "the package." Very New York forty-ish rich guy. It would appear that he thinks the models are the gift bags for this party. I'm a little impressed with Jenny, since she is the only lubricating element of this entire exchange. Everyone but her seems stiff.
, Kevin and Morgan speak to Richard. Kevin looks a little sloppy in this environment. Usually, he seems kind of L.A. cool/crunchy, but here he looks like a vagrant. He explains to Richard that his design is "scuba," because you would have to explain it, because it doesn't look like scuba gear. Morgan pulls down her skirt to reveal that the top is a unitard swimsuit. Richard asks Kevin to describe his style, and he pulls out the old "classic/avant-garde" shtick. Kevin says that he "got lucky" working with Morgan, and she replies, "You didn't get lucky. Like that." Laughs all around. She then refers to Kevin as her "bitch." If I hadn't realized earlier that she has been aping Cameron Diaz this whole time, I'd probably find that last exchange funny. Richard Johnson finds it amusing, though. Or, he's drunk.
Robert's turn with Richard is . It occurs to me that Robert is like the least obnoxious version of the New York scene that guys like Richard Johnson and John McDonald represent -- preening, slightly slimy, artificial. Robert adds a genuine and good-hearted sensibility to that mix. Sure, he's dying to get laid, but I imagine it's because he likes being laid, and not because he's insecure or power-hungry or whatever malfunction causes these cheeseballs to prowl the Meatpacking District like Mia Farrow at an orphanage. When Richard Johnson asks Robert if he wants to be a "big fashion designer," Robert replies that he just wants to "dress women." That's the essence of Robert, I think. He just likes putting clothes on pretty girls. Remember the suit from the "Envy" challenge? He clearly loved making that suit look as hot as it did. Olga brings us back to gutter level by asking, "You don't like them naked?" Of course, this offers Robert the chance to cement his heterosexual status, in case there was any doubt: "I like to dress them, and then undress them." Laughs. Then, he feeds Richard his sports car=girls spiel. As annoyed as I am at hearing this again, it sounds like the perfect blurb for a gossip page.
Austin has come prepared. He's decked out like Richie Rich crossed with a mime. Richard clearly takes a shine to Melissa. Austin declares that, as Venus was to Botticelli, so is Melissa to Austin: "So I swathed her in sort of gossamer, and winds, and rain, and the ocean." I don't trust anyone who uses the word "swathed," but Austin sells the hell out of this. Melissa, meanwhile, is earning her keep. Big-time. She keeps grinning at Richard Johnson. And he grins back, and she doesn't even squint. What a pro. Austin interviews that he was just being natural.
Jay, in Jesus wear, interviews that Austin was being fake and over-the-top and it was making him sick. Come again, Son of God? I think certainly Austin employs artifice in his persona. But it's him. I wouldn't say he's being fake, though. Austin acts like this all the time. I just think it's a manner he likes, so he adopted it. So, I think Jay's being a touch of a spoiled sport because Austin and Melissa have so obviously charmed Richard's Johnson. Might I remind you, Jay, you're dressed like Jim Caviezel. Who's over-the-top now?
Austin tells Richard Johnson that Melissa is only sixteen, and suddenly it's Christmas. Honest to God, I've never seen a person light up like that. I almost think Richard Johnson is going to cry tears of joy. Austin notes that Melissa is drinking ginger ale. Richard shakes their hands and shines his teeth beams elsewhere.
Alexandra seems pretty subdued when she speaks to Richard. She tells him she has always wanted to be a designer, ever since she was young: "I'm only twenty-two." Richard shakes her hand and is done with Granny Alexandra. She interviews that she wasn't very aggressive.
, we see Martinique dragging Wendy over to Richard. I must say, like a brick shit house, is fair Martinique built. Wendy interviews that she "thinks" she said something about her design. While I think the segment of the population Richard Johnson represents is pretty ageist and misogynistic (old, rich guys who only date models), I must say that Wendy looks really unattractive. She's got droopy boobs, lipstick that is far too dark, and hair...dude, the hair's brutal. It's flat, looks like straw, and the skunk stripe has GOT to go. The only thing she really says is, "What makes you mention someone in your column?" This makes me feel a little sorry for Wendy, because it reeks of desperation. I wish he'd told her something ridiculous like, "Spray paint your face gold." I lose sympathy for Wendy when she tries, via interview, to pass off her cry-for-help fumble as actual curiosity: "I'm interested. What do you have to do to get in this stupid column?" Richard tells her some bullshit about how it's a positive place to mention people who deserve mentioning, instead of calling it a vendetta machine. Richard tells Martinique that she's really selling her suit, and she replies with a wink and a smile: "Am I really? Well, hopefully I'll sell it enough and I'll be on the front page." The models are turning out to be infinitely more charming than the designers at this party. It's like the show is finally speaking their language. The language of PARTAY!
Jay interrupts John McDonald and Richard Johnson -- who are laughing and slapping each other on the back -- with "Let's just talk to this guy. Let's get it over with." In an interview, Jay says, "I find this guy with lights all over him." That's a tiny moment, but I love it when Jay says stuff like that. He's making fun of the staginess of reality shows. He introduces himself to Richard Johnson as Jesus, and interviews that he feels he fared well. He seems really funny as he's talking to Richard (if a touch antagonistic, which may not have worked for Mr. Johnson but makes me love him a whole lot), and leads the conversation.
After their time with Richard, all of the designers and models kind of cut loose and start dancing. Austin macks on Robert, which makes him a little uncomfy, I think. He then does this crazy Sprockets bullfighting dance with Melissa. Now, I'm uncomfy.
Later, Melissa parks herself at Richard Johnson's table to WORK IT. Unfairly, Jay is kind of sour grapes and interviewing that Melissa looks like the "hired help." He thinks either that she looks like a maid or like a prostitute, neither of which is true. I think Jay's just showing a little competitive spirit. Eventually, Olga and Jenny make their way over to the table as well. Austin interviews that Tim Gunn told him that you have to do what you have to do in order to get attention and be "a man's a man." This is all getting so primitive. At one point, Melissa is standing and Richard Johnson, while looking at her ass, says, "I think I should not look at her ass, while the camera's on me, right?" Right. In their interviews, all of the designers are a-twitter about Melissa. Richard Johnson asks Austin, with regard to Melissa, "Will you get pissed off at her if she becomes the star of this and you don't?" Austin's reply: "That won't happen." Just because the pretty young thing has more appeal to you, Mr. Johnson, doesn't mean that the eccentric gay guy won't capture the hearts of millions more. Boo-yah!
I have to mention this one tiny moment that happens as they are all leaving Hiro. Jay has a cigarette out and is ready light it, when Martinique (in street clothes) comes barreling out past him and bumps into him. He makes the greatest exasperated stumble and kind of glares after her. Just thought I'd share that. Also, Austin picks up Morgan and shows everyone her vagina.
Heidi does nothing at this party. Nothing.
As they are leaving, Morgan tells Kevin that she is going out and doesn't have time to change. He offers little resistance. Kara interviews that she would not have taken that chance -- the chance that Morgan would ruin the swimsuit while she is out. Kara doesn't think Kevin would have the opportunity to repair any damage Morgan might inflict on the helpless garment. Even Wendy gets human for a moment and says, "I'm really hoping Morgan shows up in the outfit and it's not in fifty-two pieces."
The morning, Jay and Robert (and Robert's nipples) discuss the fact that Kevin's design doesn't look like a swimsuit. Robert says it looks like "a skirt and a shirt." Jay interviews that he thinks Kevin and Wendy both seem vulnerable for elimination today. Also, Jay second-guesses Kevin's decision to let Morgan go out the evening in his design: "Hopefully, she's still in New York. She's probably in Miami right now. She's like, 'I have a bathing suit on. Let's go to the beach!' Grarrgh [Morgzilla scream]." Jay really does all of the work for me.
At Parsons, Jay sees Morgan outside. She tore the skirt of Kevin's swimsuit, and she doesn't even seem to care. Jay suggests, in an interview, that Morgan was "planted by demons" to wreak havoc in the show. As Jay, in a pink and green ensemble reminiscent of the jogging suits that Valerie Cherish was forced to wear, sits with Morgan lying her head on his shoulder; he mouths to the camera, "Help. Me."
In the lobby, Morgan explains that she went to the club Marquee last night and couldn't make it back to Parsons to change (though all of the other models were together enough to remember each to bring a change of clothes), so she wore Kevin's design out and fucked it up. "Ooops!" she says. God, I hate her. When she shows Kevin, he scolds her ultra-mildly and she flips out and says, "Eliminate me." Yeah, there will be time for that later, Bonehead. Kevin interviews that he may have made a mistake in choosing Morgan.
Inside Parsons, the other designers are getting the models back into the swimsuits. For some reason, Jay and Julia have a really hard time getting her suit back on. She must have eaten a bean or something last night. Pig. Kevin works to fix Morgan's damage to his design. Austin gets a little chair time in the L'Oreal Paris Hair and Makeup Room.
Heidi arrives on the runway in a black embroidered halter blouse that looks like it was inspired by those German beer mugs everybody's uncles had on their mantles back in the '70s. She tells us that this competition is just as cutthroat as the actual fashion industry. Pfft! The actual fashion industry has very little if anything on Wendy Pepper. And...holy cow, Austin's hair is magnificent. It's standing straight up. His makeup is televangelist thick. She says that the designers will not only be judged on their designs, but also by how well they "made a name for [them]selves" in the press. She introduces the judges: Constance White, Style Director at eBay; Anne Slowey; and Richard Johnson.
The show begins. We begin with Melissa, who is wearing Austin Scarlett's design. She has borrowed Jay's white mink stole for the occasion. As Austin said earlier, it is inspired by a 1940s sensibility. The suit, which has thong backside, is blue, and is covered with a lighter blue transparent fabric. It has one shoulder strap that meets at a jeweled pendant right above her bust. It's really pretty. Austin says in an interview that he tried to create a dressy, yet swimmy suit.
Morgan was , and she walks really great, but, please, designers: please stop caring about that. Kevin's suit doesn't seem like a swimsuit. It really looks like a unitard with a skirt. The top even has an attached tie. I can't imagine anyone would want to swim with that around their neck. They would constantly think they were being attacked by seaweed or something. Could make for some pretty uncool flailing and screaming. Not that I've ever done that.
Robert's girl, Olga, is . The suit is a blue halter number with a thick, multi-colored strap. It's kind of baggy in the front, which is weird. Olga has giant, white, gauzy fabric tied around her ass like a short sarong. Robert says that his design was not just for model-sized girls, but also for size 12-14 women, because "not everyone's a toothpick." I really like the sentiment, but did you have to put the size 14 swimsuit on the model? Why is it baggy? As well, the suit's legs are cut up to her waist. Those larger ladies wearing that better have some taut asses. Otherwise, this suit doesn't look like it would flatter a figure. ["Actually, the higher-cut the leg is on a bathing suit, the smaller it makes your thighs look by lengthening your leg." -- Wing Chun]
Wendy's nightgown is . I thought this was a swimsuit challenge. Oh, that's right: Wendy fucked it up. I'll give her the color; the orange looks really amazing on Martinique. But, it's a dress. It's not a swimsuit. Wendy interviews, "I believe that what you cover says more about you than what you reveal." In other words, "I can't design sexy swimsuits. I kill puppies." Writer's cramp spreads through the judges (even Heidi!) as they scramble to record their own insults.
Jenny is , in Kara Saun's design. It's cute. The top is a take on a French bikini. It's all white, and there is a white transparent cover-up that has embroidered flowers and fringe at the bottom. Kara interviews that she really likes her design.
Erin comes out in Alexandra's design. It is so small. And, I don't like to pick on them like this but, Jesus, Erin is so skinny. It freaks me out a little. The suit is that Missoni fabric in a French bikini cut. The top is connected to the straps by gold rings. The bottom is super-stringy. I'm worried about Erin.
Julia is . I can see now why Jay picks her so often. This is one of his edgiest designs, and I feel like she is working it perfectly. It is essentially a black satin bikini with black straps asymmetrically wrapping around the body. Or, as Jay describes it, "Two little black band-aids with dental floss wrapped around it." It's really cool. I don't know that a person with any body fat whatsoever could pull this off, but Julia's doing it and it's hot.
The scores have been tabulated. The designers come onstage, and Heidi asks Kara Saun to step forward. She is exempt from last week, so she leaves. The best and worst are left onstage. Their models come out.
Richard asks Robert to repeat his sports-car mantra. Constance is NOT buying. You can tell Robert probably wouldn't have pulled out his old sports-car/woman simile in this company. Thanks for the cock block, Richard. Robert reminds Constance that, oftentimes, people name their cars after women. Her reply? "Just because it happens doesn't mean it's right."
Jay describes his design as "techno-bohemian." Richard calls Jay a "flamboyant character" (read: "way too gay for me"), and he wonders if Jay could fit into a business setting. Fuck off, Richard Johnson! You work for a shitty daily rag as a GOSSIP COLUMNIST. Where you get off giving people lessons in decorum or why they shouldn't be so fucking faggy is beyond me. Not trying to be soapboxy, but you can see Jay reading him this way, too. When he says, "Jay, you're a very flamboyant character," Jay gets really still and goes, "Mmm. Sometimes." And, then, he starts shifting a lot. It sounds like I'm reading a lot into it, but I swear it's there.
Constance asks Alexandra what she thinks of her design. Alexandra says she was inspired by Missoni and Michael Kors. Constance replies that she could have been a little more creative.
Constance asks Austin about his design. He says "swathed" again. Constance spots the Esther Williams inspiration.
Heidi asks Kevin if his design is "swimmable" and he says it is. Then, he repeats "It stretches" three times, like he's trying to convince himself. Heidi hears none of them and tells him that his suit doesn't look like a swimsuit. Richard Johnson asks him if he thought he'd made a good impression at the party the night, and Kevin replies, "I think I was good...maybe...I was good. I was good...I think." That was painful.
Anne asks about Wendy's suit. Wendy says that it was designed to hide a girl's upper thighs. Wow, you know that's exactly what a dress or a nightgown or other garments that cover the body but aren't swimsuits do. Much as Wendy's design wasn't a swimsuit. Anne concurs with me, saying that it looks more like a dress than a swimsuit. As well, she wonders if the fabric of the suit would be flattering to the thighs-for-hiding once wet. Heidi asks what is beneath the suit, and Wendy is forced to explain that she made a sub-par thong and that Martinique has provided her own thong for this runway experience.
Once the designers have left the stage, Heidi asks, "Richard, I want to know who was the most newsworthiest [sic]." Austin was Richard's favorite, because he was talkative and outgoing. He also thought Jay was a "tremendous character." Anne thinks Jay and Austin are neck and neck. Heidi chimes in that Jay's was her favorite suit, which Anne labels "Gucci-esque." Richard liked Robert because he was confident. Anne pooh-poohs his suit, though. Backstage, Robert says he thought Constance was going to slap him for the sports-car business. Richard says Wendy didn't make much of an impression and that he would have liked her to have spoken about being a mother from the suburbs. Anne didn't like Wendy's suit either, because there was no "bathing girdle." They all think Alexandra's suit was boring. Even Richard thinks it's boring, and he hasn't really been talking about the fashions. Heidi points out that Alexandra named the people she copied for the suit. Richard thinks Kevin blew his chance to promote himself. As well, Heidi is totally confused by his suit. It was "Loosey Goosey with a skirt."
They bring the designers back onstage. Heidi says it was a difficult judging. Wendy is wearing ridiculous red sneakers. Jay and Austin are the top two. They have to wait until the following day to see who will be mentioned in Page Six. Whoever is mentioned is the winner of the challenge. Jay says in an interview that, if he wins, it will be because he was real, and not a whore like Austin and Melissa were. Okay, buddy, watch it with the freaking sour grapes. ["Plus, it was basically a whoring challenge, so whatever." -- Wing Chun] Robert is "in." Wendy is "in." I'd like to point out, though, that she is in the bottom once again. It's down to Alexandra and Kevin. Wendy interviews that she was relieved, because she thought she would be eliminated. Unsuspecting Kara Saun hugs her backstage. Heidi tells Alexandra that she wasn't original, and Kevin that his design didn't look like a swimsuit. Kevin is "in." He looks truly stunned, and leaves the runway.
Pretty Alexandra stands there nodding her head at Heidi. She is so cordial and thanks everyone. Backstage, everyone is sad. Tim Gunn even hugs her. She interviews that she was disappointed not to have made it to fashion week. Only then does she let out a little tear. She was a good girl, that Alexandra.
The day, Jay and Austin go to a bodega to grab a Post. Austin and Melissa were mentioned. He won the challenge. Austin says his "mother is going to be so proud." Outside, they fake a fight, and Jay pretends to throw Austin against a wall an pummel him with the newspaper. It's beautiful. Don't ever change, boys!