In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
The depressing story du jour is actually a carry over of last week's depressing story because why not drag out the misery? So Billy Riggins from Friday Night Lights is down on his luck and his wife signed up to be a surrogate, but the evil rich people's triplets killed her and now she is a human incubator for the fetuses (feti?) who are, like, putting the suck in succubus. He wants to take her off life support, but obviously the rich people paid an amount approximating the GDP of Botswana for the procedure and don't really want to lose their investment because some blue collar schlub wants his wife to die with dignity. Lawyers get involved and Charlotte gets to yell and then a judge decides that the woman is indeed going to be a human incubator and to add insult to injury her husband has to stay far far away from her in case he gets any big ideas. Charlotte, being the secretly sentimental sucker, lets him into the hospital room. Two seconds later he disconnects the ventilator. But but but…his wife doesn't die! Instead she is breathing on her own. Medical Miracle! Charlotte is too stunned to take credit.
Naomi is understandably still pissed off that Addison, like, frenched her husband (ex, whatever, still counts for these purposes). But Naomi has her own distracting man issues since the second her boyfriend left the country without telling her and simultaneously stood her up for a date, she started making out with Dr. Fife. The ensuing emotional turmoil drives her to attempt to shove twelve Reese Peanut Butter Cups in her mouth at the same time. Freaky, really. Then she gets busted mid-binge by Dr. Fife who bossy bosses her into making out with him. And him being a man who stupidly thinks real kisses are better than Hershey's kisses. As if! Obviously Naomi has questions about Fife's viability what with him being in a wheelchair and all. So she logically decides to ask Charlotte for advice because why the fuck not, right? They're best friends, right? And there is no internet access at Oceanside Wellness, so what choice does she have? Charlotte hands her a pamphlet on "Sex with the Disabled" and sends her on her fornicating way. Obviously, Dr. Fife busts her with the reading material and propositions her properly. All class that guy. Then for some post-coital pillow talk, Fife breaks it to Naomi that William has ALS and is going to die. HAHAhahaha Naomi cheated on a dying man. So much for her holier than thouness. She buys a ticket to William's bedside to assuage her guilt.
Dell hits on one of his pregnant patients who's on very strict bed rest. While he is conducting his exam, the single mom's daughter ominously coughs once and it seems obvious that someone is going to die, because that is exactly how this show rolls. Then the mother fails in her one responsibility--which is to not get up--and her water breaks and instantaneous labor ensues. While I totally thought the mom was going to have to choose which baby lives and which baby dies (because, you know, Private Practice has a reputation to maintain), but instead the baby gets stuck and Dell wants to break the baby (!!!) to get it out. Everyone LOVES that idea. But it works. So kind of a let down, really.
When Pete gets sick while his kidlet, Lucas, is sick, Addison decides to help out by playing underpaid babysitter. Obviously the cool, competent neonatal surgeon doesn't last two minutes with a cranky baby and she whines, winges, and calls Cooper, Sam, and practically everyone except for Pete who has locked himself in the attic or something and is nowhere to be seen. Addison gets the serious crazies and wanders around petting her cat for, like, the rest of the hour and then suddenly the baby is asleep and all is well and she is almost a successful woman. And then Pete calls her "Violet" and she kills him. I may have hallucinated that last bit about killing.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well, the baby killers at Oceanside Wellness are at it again. Except this time instead of the writers being baby killers, this time THE BABIES ARE THE KILLERS. Specifically, the demon seed of a rich white couple has turned into sociopathic half-formed KILLERS who are slowly sucking the life from their loving surrogate who just wanted to put some food on her table. Her poor sad sack blue collar husband watches over his comatose wife really wishing he had gone to college and gotten a better paying job, because clearly, if he had only taken international relations instead of shop he would not be in this mess. Okay, I don't actually know that he is a blue collar worker, but he is acting like one. It could just be the fact that he is Billy Riggins in real life and I can't separate the actor from his craft. Anyway, he's making very mournful eyes at his wife, but outside her room Addison and Sam are boning each other with their own mournful eyes. You see, they got busted snuggling by Naomi and now Naomi is not talking to Addison and the four horsemen of the apocalypse are en route to Santa Monica or whatever. Sam claims that Naomi is totally justified in her anger and Addison should just bonk his brains out already so that Naomi's anger is rational. Addison is shocked (SHOCKED!) that Sam would suggest they actually have sex (Again. Again?) because Naomi is her EVERYTHING and while she will flirt madly with her ex-husband and have (apparently unmemorable) sex with him, SHE WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. I actually can't remember if these two have actually done IT in the sixth grade sense of the word. But I'm with Sam on this: If Naomi already thinks you did it and your end goal is to do it, JUST DO IT (all apologies to Nike). Addison then points out that Sam has a girlfriend and she is dating Pete so really this whole conversation is just for giggles. Who are these people? Just date each other already! Or don't! Just shut up about it! Addison wanders back into coma girl's room where her husband is blubbering in her general direction and she pats him gingerly on the back while trying to keep the tears off her Chanel. Billy Riggins finally announces that he wants to pull the plug on his wife because she wouldn't want to live like this. I am not crying. Okay, fine, I am. I hate this dumb show.
Addison wisely seeks counsel before unplugging a woman carrying three paid-for babies. That is how this show is different from Grey's Anatomy. She has learned! Grown even! Anyway, Sam and Addison both feel the need to honor Billy Riggins' wishes despite the fact it is more than a little unsavory to simultaneously let three babies die. But if a baby is not in jeopardy then it is not Private Practice now is it? The parents of the triplets obviously are not keen on the plan. Those are THEIR BABIES in that woman's stomach! Doesn't he understand he would be KILLING BABIES if he takes his wife off the respirator? Billy Riggins simply does not care because a) the dumb babies killed his wife first and thus b) he does not want his wife being used as a human incubator to bring the little sociopaths into the world. I mean, have they seen Alien? That is not a movie you want to reenact. Everyone stares at each other. I think in international relations they would call this "détente." Not that Billy Riggins would know that.
Over at Oceanside Wellness, Dell has mysteriously decided to spend some quality time with Charlotte. Like, CHOICES, Dell! Sheesh. Obviously she gives him some tough pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps love along with a shot of shut the hell up. I love her. Naomi is sulking in her office because her ex-husband snuggled her best friend and now she has no one. Think how much she'd be moping if she knew her boyfriend was dying? Pete wanders into her office to complain that Addison is heartbroken that Naomi won't talk to her because she was canoodling with Sam. Wait, why would Pete be pro-canoodle? Obviously Naomi doesn't want to talk about it. So Pete explains that his kid is sick and he is sick and he is going home to chant over the child and give him herbs and acupuncture. Babies love acupuncture. As Pete leaves, Dr. Fife rolls in and Naomi's face falls even further (WRINKLES!). She reminds Fife that kissing aside, she is dating William. Fife points out that William left the country, didn't tell her, and stood her up for a date so maybe kissing is back on? Naomi is having a really crap day.
Cooper re-pays Charlotte for her loan that let him buy into the partnership. She is suspicious, but Cooper really is being all mature. Charlotte, however, not so much. She marches into Sheldon's office, rips his shirt off, and climbs on top of him. EWwwwwwwwWWWWWW. That's how Sheldon and Charlotte make me feel.
At the hospital, Charlotte has taken a whore-bath (I hope) and is now in her medical whites and is pretending to be professional and introducing herself to Billy Riggins. He restates his desire to take his wife off life support. He does not want to wait six weeks for the demon children to be viable. He wants to do it now. Then the magic L word is mentioned: LAWYER. Charlotte recommends Billy Riggins get a lawyer, too. Then she kicks him out of the room until a judge can decide the fate of his wife. Obviously he blames Addison for this because making Addison feel guilty about things is, in fact, the most fun you can have with no money.
Sam and Addison are not at all canoodling when the elevator opens, but Naomi still doesn't want to see them. Addison takes the forced imprisonment of an elevator to repeat that she and Sam never meant to have feelings for each other. It just happened! Deal with it! Strangely this does not work for Naomi. She bursts into tears and runs off. Ooh looky Addison feels guilty again. Later, Addison heads home to her cat and is startled to find Pete and Lucas shacking up there. Pete is coming down with the plague, so Addison volunteers to take care of the baby while Pete dies. Pete's naturally uncertain that he wants Addison caring for a live baby, but she insists and he's too weak to fight her off. Back at the office, Naomi is attempting to drown her many many sorrows in Dove bars. She has about five in her mouth when Dr. Fife finds her. He insists she drop the chocolate and let his tongue do the cramming. She does need a cuddle, so she drops the chocolate and lets him grope her. I'm sure that is MUCH healthier. God these people are fucked up. Does the new health care bill offer mental health exams for doctors? 'Cause I wouldn't want these people anywhere near a bunion, let alone a baby.
Speaking of babies, Dell is filling in for Addison who has dropped her doctorly duties to take care of Lucas. The patient is stuck on bed rest and is not particularly thrilled to have a strange male midwife show up in her house to do a vaginal exam. Gosh, I wonder why that would make her uncomfortable? She smartly makes Dell call Addison to confirm that he's not just some street-wandering pervert. While Dell's on the phone he offers some child-care advice to Addison that is so touching that the patient changes her mind and says Dell can touch her anywhere he wants. Likely!
Back at the hospital Charlotte is trying to convince Billy Riggins that she hates the situation as much as he does. Oddly, he doesn't quite believe that. He has called lawyers, but they are all too expensive and Charlotte won't even let him sit with his dying wife. Charlotte gives him the name and number of a nonprofit group, which surprises Sam. Charlotte swears that she is a real live human with actual feelings processors. But Sam doesn't really care. I mean, he's not sleeping with her. Yet.
Dell tells Addison's patient that she still has to stay on bed rest and he will come back tomorrow to check her again. Just then her daughter comes home from school with an ominous sounding cough. PLEASE LET IT BE EBOLA AND THEY HAVE TO ISOLATE THE HOUSE! PLEASE!! Dell promises to bring Cooper with him the day so he can get that cough checked out. Sheldon is missing some buttons on his shirt after his afternoon del
ight. As he roams the halls looking for a needle and thread, he runs into Cooper who has been there himself and instantly recognizes the signs of a Charlotte attack. They glare at each other and wander off. Obviously Sheldon asks Naomi for a needle and thread, but manages to not mention that he is sleeping with Charlotte in the office during the business day. Sheldon notices that Naomi is sad and offers his ear, which is nice, except for that it's Sheldon and so it is just sort of a creepy and awkward overshare. Naomi appreciates the effort so she overshares that she was making out with Fife and thinks sex with him would fill the void left when chocolate and friends aren't cutting it. Sheldon's interest is piqued and he wonders if it is the wheelchair that is stopping her. Naomi suddenly realizes that she is humiliating herself. Sheldon thinks she could humiliate herself a little more by talking to Charlotte about all her sex questions. Yep, that should just about do it.
Meanwhile, Addison is being driven over the edge by her attempts to suck the snot out of the baby's nose. Because that is what happens to successful, competent surgeons: TAKEN DOWN BY A BABY. She calls Cooper and makes him do it, because he is the professional. He is kind of stunned that she is so incompetent, but not stunned that Addison is taking it all personally and is convinced that the baby HATES her. It is Addison after all. Meanwhile, the OTHER evil babies are doing just fine inside their comatose incubator. Thriving, even. Not so much for Sam's relationship. Dr. what's her face (look, I can't be bothered to learn the name of every passing shenanigan on this show) is peeved that she is trying to SAVE THE BABIES, but Sam wants to save the surrogate. Obviously this is worth storming out over. So she does. Sam goes home for a little R & R and wanders onto his deck, only to remember that he lives door to Addison and has to watch her in flannel pants and a hoodie with no make up cuddling with Pete's baby. Sam, that feeling you have? That's RELIEF. Like, THANK GOD you don't have to wake up to THAT every day, right? Addison wants to talk about men and motherhood and Pete and Sam points out that the subject is more than a little awkward for him and would really enjoy being left out of that particular loop. Addison looks confused. Also, bad. Like, are real pants so hard to manage? Sheesh.
The day Cooper and Dell make their house call to Addison's patient's house. The little girl answers the door, because THE PLAGUE OF DEMON CHILDREN IS SPREADING. Her mom went to give her a hug and ended up in very uncomfortable premature labor! THE CHILDREN WILL KILL US ALL! It's like an episode of Supernatural but with a far less attractive cast.
Oh shit, Charlotte and I are thinking the exact same thing: Why is Naomi talking to Charlotte about wheelchair sex? Naomi meekly defends her choice by pointing out that Charlotte is the only sexologist in the building. Charlotte and I point out that THERE ARE OTHER BUILDINGS. I mean, really? Maybe Naomi's personal tragedies have inspired agoraphobia or something. BUT, this does not explain why she is not looking this shit up on the internet. I mean, good grief, this is why Al Gore invented the internet. Also, why is she talking about getting funky with Dr. Fife when 1) she has a boyfriend and 2) does she actually know Fife is interested? And does having a boyfriend mean nothing to anyone on this show? Like Addison and Sam pretending their lil pals are merely placeholders. Anyway, Naomi tells Charlotte the nature of the injury and then Charlotte suggests asking Dr. Fife. Which is coy and almost funny. Naomi crumbles under the Gitmo like pressure of Charlotte's raised eyebrow and confesses to wanting to have sex with Dr. Fife. Charlotte smiles, hands her a pamphlet helpfully titled "Sex with the Disabled" and sends her out the door.
Addison is going shades of Yellow Wallpaper crazy with Lucas and, seriously, it might be time to consider WAKING UP PETE because honestly she is mere moments away from tucking Lucas into the microwave and mixing up a martini. Instead she climbs fully clothed into the bathtub with him. BECAUSE THAT IS NORMAL. Speaking of completely normal things, Dell and Cooper are helping the woman deliver her baby on the kitchen floor. Of course it is not just a regular old easy delivery, because THE EVIL BABY IS STUCK. It won't come out no matter how hard his mother pushes. Undoubtedly this is somehow the mother's fault.
At the hospital, both parties and their lawyers and doctors and Charlotte are all gathered over the comatose woman for the judge to make her decision. Frankly, the woman really makes a centerpiece that POPS. Martha Stewart would be proud. The judge has listened to all the arguments and has made her ruling: The surrogate shall live so the babies can gestate. If this was Supernatural, Dean would throw holy water at the judge just to make sure she wasn't possessed because when demon seed are involved it would be a possibility. Just sayin'. Obviously the parents are happy, but Billy Riggins is miserable. Especially because the judge adds that he will be barred from the room for the rest of the gestation period. Just looking after the babies! Don't want Billy Riggins getting any ideas! The parents look sort of gloaty while Billy Riggins is protesting that he can't be banned from seeing his dying wife for two months. The judge (who is now rather obviously possessed by the demon spawn) insists that Billy Riggins stay away from his wife. Charlotte and her real life human feelings look uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, Dell and Cooper are trying to help the laboring woman. The woman shrieks and Dell explains that the baby's shoulder is stuck in the birth canal and the paramedics aren't going to get there in time for her to deliver in a hospital. He tries to call Addison for advice, but she is passed out from all the crazies. At the hospital, Billy Riggins stands outside of his dead wife's hospital room staring in and looking crushed. Sam apologizes to him for the rank depths of the crapitude of his life and swears that his wife knows he loves her. But, Billy wonders whether she understands why he is not in there with her and has been banned from the room? Sam doesn't answer and then Charlotte comes up to break the bad news that the judge won't change her mind.
Naomi made the bad choice to leave her "Sex with the Disabled" pamphlet on her desk and, of course, Dr. Fife, the object of her pamphleteering finds it. He thinks it is a great read. He wonders, though, why she didn't just ask him? He then invites her back to his place for a little necking.
Cooper, the doctor, has no pointers for Dell, so when Dell suggests BREAKING THE BABY to get it out, Cooper thinks it is a swell idea. The mother, however, is not convinced. Not to get too too nitpicky, but as a midwife, shouldn't Dell suggest maybe trying a different position? I mean the woman is just sitting on her bottom. She's not standing or walking or on hands and knees or anything. Isn't the whole raison d'etre of midwives about getting laboring women to play Twister and thus ease the birthing process? Before BREAKING THE BABY couldn't he suggest a different position, maybe? Also, where is her daughter? Will no one think of the children? The woman has no choice but push when Dell says push.
Addison is back to being alone cuddling her cat in her flannel pajamas, the way god intended her to be. Sam is feeling more neighborly now that Pete is MIA and stops by with some soup and the news about the judge. He rubs his hands all over Addison's face, chides her for feeling sorry for herself, and then leaves again. While Addison mopes, Dell gets the damn baby out of the mother with only a small crack in its clavicle, but who cares about a baby with a broken neck bone right? Cooper checks the kid out and hands him back to his mother. Back at the office, Cooper gloats to Charlotte and Sheldon about Dell's heroic life saving and light baby breaking. Charlotte credits herself with Dell's ability to cowboy up in the face of adversity. Then she tries to bone Sheldon again. But Sheldon has realized that he is merely Cooper's sloppy seconds. His outer male (-ish) exterior is okay with it, but his inner therapist is troubled. Charlotte stomps away in disgust.
Naomi and Dr. Fife are cuddling in post connubial bliss and high fiving over the fact that they totally didn't need a manual. But then Naomi realizes her cheating contradicts with her Catholic ideology and starts feeling guilty, which fits in nicely with her faith. Then Fife ruins the mood by telling Naomi that her boyfriend has ALS and is going to die. Strangely this does not get Naomi in the mood for Round Two. At the hospital, Charlotte makes the wise (human!) choice to sneak Billy Riggins into his wife's room for a minute. Meanwhile, Naomi has bolted from Fife's bed to the airport for the first flight to Geneva. Guilt is quite the motivator. Elsewhere, Addison is collapsing into bed to Pete. He sleepily acknowledges her presence and then ruins the whole thing by muttering those four little words that every girl wants to hear: I LOVE YOU, VIOLET. HAHAHAHHHHHAAhaaa! Pete prefers crazy sad sack schizoid Violet to Addison Montgomery! Hahahahahha!
Back at the hospital, Sam is making up with his girlfriend when an alarm goes off. Billy Riggins has pulled the plug on his wife! Sam smashes a window to break into the room. Billy Riggins is crouching a bit remorsefully in the corner when all the doctors rush in. But she's not dead. She's breathing on her own! Quick someone write a journal article. Or praise god. Up to you.
1 2 3