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There are almost too many patients of the week to keep track of this week, but somehow they're all good enough to keep it interesting. First up is Addison and Sam's pregnant patient, Elisha. She's about to marry her boyfriend, Esau, who's Kenyan and needs a physical to get his visa renewed. Unfortunately, Sam finds he has tuberculosis that's not treatable, so he has to be quarantined. The couple runs, but comes back when she goes into labor. Immigration shows up, too, to take him away so Sam pretends he's too sick long enough for him to see his baby. Elisha wants to flee to Kenya with him, but since her unborn baby has heart conditions, she will have to stay in the U.S. to get it the treatment it needs. While they're working on this patient, Addison finds out Sam's now good with her and Pete and everything else. Which turns out to be because he's dating a new neonatal doctor named Vanessa. He drops her for Addison and their patients once and she says she's a catch, but he's going to have to chase her to find out. Sam chooses to chase her, but not until telling Addison he thinks about her while he's with Vanessa. Because we all have to continue to believe Addison is too amazing for any man in her presence to like someone else. Except Pete, of course, who thinks Violet's moved on, too, since she moved to Costa Rica (WTF?). In the end, Addison and Pete cry in each other's arms. It's hilarious.
Pete has his own patient of the week: A new couple who find out she's allergic to his sperm. It's very sad because they're both sad sacks who thought they'd be alone forever. Pete tells them to break up after they try using condoms and she almost dies, but then changes his tune when he realizes how rare their kind of love is. He is going to work on desensitizing her to his sperm, if they can wait six months to a year to have sex. They're actually Naomi's patients, but she splits from the case early to focus on going to the ballet with her boss, William. But then Fife declares his love for her (yes, he actually says he loves her, which is dumb). She complains about him to Addison, who lets her in on the fact that she likes him a lot. Naomi admits it, but goes to the ballet with William in the end.
Sheldon's also dealing with a patient of the week: Violet's, since she bailed to Central America. This girl is afraid of flying after being in a plane crash, but Sheldon gets her to fly to San Francisco by the end of the episode. Which is just dumb, because they live in L.A. Her sister's wedding should have been in Maine or something so that we would have actually felt there was an urgency to her getting on a plane. Cooper, meanwhile, comes back from Central America all Zen after being in the sun and getting therapy from Violet. He's not angry about the bathroom sex or anything else, but Charlotte still is. And, because this show always needs a love triangle or seven, Charlotte helps Sheldon with his afraid-of-flying patient and they end up sleeping together on her couch. Which is exactly when Cooper comes over to get Violet's mail. Is it just me, or is this show way better now that it's about doctors having frivolous sex instead of being about people and their very serious wounds and deep emotional issues? The only thing that would improve things: Dell!
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Sunny, sunny L.A. as Adele's Many Shades of Black kicks in. Pete finds Addison and gives her the panties she left at his place this morning. She'd been wondering where those were. Dude, if you forget your panties after morning sex, it shouldn't be that difficult to figure out. Most of us put them on once and then don't take them off in random places, so the place we had sex would be the obvious choice, would it not? Then again, we are not all Addison Forbes Montgomery. She puts them on as Charlotte wonders if Violet's back after being gone for two weeks. Pete thinks Charlotte's awfully into Violet, but Addison exposits that she just misses Cooper, and can't admit that. Addison tells Pete she's standing there (previously underwearless) waiting to talk to Sam. She's going to make him talk to her, because he can't be mad anymore. Pete weirdly thinks Sam has a right to be mad, but she disagrees and wonders if Pete isn't irritated Violet went away. He says, "She's not with some guy. She's with Cooper." They're apparently touching monkeys, which sounds dirty, and Pete expects her back today. Sam comes in and greets Addison warmly, all, "Hi! I'm great." Then, "Good to see you Pete." Addison wonders what's up, and then she and Pete go into her office for some more morning sex.
Sheldon's on an airplane with Clea Duvall, who we quickly learn is Violet's patient with a fear of flying because she survived something terrible. She thanks Sheldon for doing this, and says if her sister weren't getting married, she would have waited for Violet. Clea freaks out as the plane starts to taxi onto the runway. Sheldon tries to talk her through it and get her to breathe, but he grabs her arm and she says she can't do this. She freaks and screams and says that they're going to crash and people will burn. Sheldon helpfully explains she was on the Flight 97 crash. She screams and gets up and bangs on the door. And ... sunny title card.
Naomi's at her desk, not working, because she never seems to, when William comes in and tells her he got them tickets to Alvin Ailey Dance Theater, which is apparently coveted and difficult to do, so she's excited. She asks if he's just trying to get her into bed with all the fancy dates, because he could just ask. He says if he wanted to get her into bed, he would ask, but right now he's wooing. She agrees and they agree on the night at 7 for their date. When he leaves, Fife's waiting at her door to tell her what a pretty picture the dirty, rich boss and hot employee are. But he's actually here to tell her there's a couple who can't keep their hands off each other in the lobby. Then he asks if she actually likes "that guy," and she does. Fife just smiles and nods, not buying it.
Addison's with a couple joking about studying when Sam comes in and greets them "Elisha and Esau." They apparently argued their dissertations last week, so they're off to Vegas to get married by Elvis, which Esau (who has a fake accent) says is the "ultimate American wedding." Oh, and Elisha's totally pregnant, which makes that even more true. Sam and Addison check out the baby on ultrasound and they tell her the baby will need heart surgery shortly after birth and often again thereafter. Esau keeps coughing, and Sam pulls him into his physical, which he has to get to renew his green card, apparently close to expiring. It's just like a Ph.D. student to put off renewing their green card, isn't it?
Charlotte happily heads into Violet's open office only to find Sheldon there, looking through Clea Duvall's file or something. Charlotte wonders who drops everything and disappears, and she's totally not talking about Cooper. But she tells Sheldon she and Cooper slept together in the bathroom at Maya's wedding. Sheldon helpfully offers that maybe Cooper's trying to figure things out, but Charlotte says, "Maybe he's just an ass." I vote the second one.
Naomi's with a patient of the week, and her British boyfriend. Basically, she's a heavy-ish woman who never thought she'd found love until she met this completely gay guy online. He sells lilies online, even. That's how they met. Her name's May and they make a "Henry and June," but one month off joke that makes her laugh until she cringes in pain, bringing them to the point: They had sex and she's in pain, like totally burning in pain. Which is ridiculous since they just had that whole romantic conversation. Naomi promises to get her back on her feet, "so to speak."
This will come as a surprise to no one, but it turns out Addison's one of those women who doesn't want the guy to move on from her even if she won't be with him, so she asks Sam if they're okay. He says they are, and she's like, "No, I mean about me and Pete." He's like, "Yeah, I knew what you meant, and we are cool." She tells him it's different with her and Pete than her and him, but he says it's water under the bridge. Pete comes in then, since Sam called him for a consult. Turns out Esau has tuberculosis. They wear masks in to tell Esau and Elisha. The doctors want to run some tests on Esau, but he and Elisha want Sam to lie so he can get his green card or he'll get sent back. Commercials. Did you know Outback supports our troops? What a controversial stand to take!
Sam tells Elisha that she can go in and see Esau, who's on antibiotics, but he says he has a legal obligation not to lie on the green card form. Addison asks Sam to hold off on signing the form, and Elisha says he's illegal without it, but they were supposed to get married and she's having his baby in a few weeks. She cries until she says she'll just go live with his parents in Kenya, but Addison and Sam remind her the baby's going to need a lot of surgeries and won't have access to that kind of care in Kenya. Sam says he'll hold off on signing the form until later, so he can get the care he needs. Elisha thanks him and goes in to see Esau. Addison thanks him, too, and then a pretty lady comes up and says, "Hey, you!" to Sam all cute and comfortable. Sam introduces her to Addison as Vanessa Hoyt, and we learn she's a perinatologist and neonatologist. Vanessa's heard a lot about Addison, but not from Sam; she didn't even realize they knew each other. Addison didn't realize they did either. Vanessa says Sam asked her to consult on a case last week and they hit if off. Addison thinks that's great he asked her to consult on a case on a pregnant patient from his office. Awkward! Vanessa and Sam go for coffee.
Speaking of consulting, Pete's checking out what's the deal with May and her gay boyfriend. He's looking through a microscope as Naomi thanks him for helping. Pete says she seems more relaxed than she's been in awhile, and she says it's William. Pete: "Ah, love." She says it's not that, at least not yet, but he's wooing her. Pete's glad she's happy, so Naomi asks Pete about him and Addison. He didn't think anyone knew that, but of course Addison tells Nae everything except for the fact that she's in love with her ex-husband. Naomi wonders about him and Violet, and she says she spent the last nine months -- not just this vacation -- away from it all. Pete realizes something in his microscope, and then they're sitting with May and her gay boyfriend, telling them May's allergic to his sperm. Pete's looking into possible treatments, but he can't fix it right now. And it's like a peanut allergy, which means it gets worse each time. May wonders what they can do, since they need sex and want kids someday. Naomi can help with that part of course, and they can use condoms for now to have sex. They hold hands as if having to use condoms is the worst news in the world.
A tan (or actually orange) Cooper enters Oceanside and greets Charlotte with a bag of coffee, which he says is the best in the world. He says Costa Rica was very Zen, what with the beaches and alcohol. Pete comes in and Cooper hugs him, and gives him coffee. Charlotte: "He's Zen." Pete's here to borrow a book from Charlotte, though: "Semen allergies." She's going to see what she has, so Cooper explains to Pete that Violet decided to stay in Costa Rica. OMG! How cool would that be if she never came back? Cut immediately to Pete lying on Addison's couch whining about Violet never coming back. Adele's singing the same song again (apparently it's their theme song), and Addison's barely listening to Pete because she's watching Sam and Vanessa drink wine. She says it's "My wine," which is pretty funny actually. I love these totally insane people together. More, please. Pete calls her away from the window and they get cuddly about their respective loved ones being happy and Zen, respectively. Her phone rings. Then she shows up at Vanessa and Sam's, where they've been talking about how he never noticed her before (he says he did, but was seeing someone else), to tell him that Esau's TB is drug-resistant. Sam and Addison leave, though he tells Vanessa he'll meet her after at her place. He's so sorry.
Sheldon comes in to Cooper's office, and he shows him a banana fiber photo album. Sheldon's all, "Um, I was wondering if you had a number for Violet" since she left me with her crazy patients. Cooper says Violet's trekking in the rain forest for the couple of weeks. Cooper thinks it's therapeutic and Sheldon covering for her has been very helpful. Sheldon says there's this one he's been struggling with, and Cooper gives a speech that literally goes: "Day after day, the sun... Zen." Whatever. Addison and Sam show up at the hospital to break Elisha and Esau's hearts, which they say is always fun (I assume it's a joke), but Elisha and Esau are gone. Drama!
Clea's meeting with Sheldon, telling him she'll just drive to her sister's wedding in San Francisco. See? This is dumb. They should have had it be farther away, because someone this afraid of flying would have just driven from L.A. to San Francisco in the first place, I think. It should have been in New York or at least, like, Portland. He says she wants to fly, though, so he wonders what triggered her yesterday in their attempt to fly. She says it was when he grabbed her arm, because that's what the woman to her did on the plane too -- "the woman I killed." Okay, this is stupid. In a plane crash, people die, but that's not their seatmates' fault. And this all just feels so manufactured. I mean, I realize it is but it feels like it more than usual. I hate that, and I've begun to expect more from this show, which is probably a mistake on my part. Anyway, more drama means ... commercials.
Sam and Addison have called everyone, but can't find Elisha and Esau. Addison says they should have talked to Elisha more after telling her she couldn't take her baby to Kenya, and Sam's like, "You're saying I scared her?" Addison says that's not what she said. Sam's going to call immigration, but Addison says they're not the police. Wait, is this the same woman who wouldn't break the law for Cooper's patient? The conversation turns to Vanessa, of course. She says he's just dating her because she works on babies, which he knows will get to her, and he says he knows she's jealous, but she doesn't get to be since she made her choice. She begs him not to call immigration, but he just walks out.
Clea's crying to Sheldon about the plane crash. She saw the wing hit the ground, then smoke, then fire, then screaming. She unbuckled her seatbelt and didn't help the woman get hers undone even though she was screaming, "Help me, please!" She ran instead of helping. Okay, maybe she did sort of kill the woman. Although Sheldon doesn't agree with me, so I must be wrong. But Clea says she can't talk her way or breath her way out of this one. She leaves and says to tell Violet she quits.
Fife and William are measuring their penises the only way they know how, which is to argue about something from New England Journal of Medicine about an experimental treatment that would allow people like Fife to walk, no matter how bad their injury. Naomi comes in and looks concerned, as William storms out. Naomi scolds Fife, who says he doesn't like being patronized. She asks what he has against him, because she's dumb, and Fife turns and says William White doesn't know Naomi; she's just a trophy in his case. He says he read that you shouldn't put down the competition when you're fighting for the girl you love, so he'll bring it back to him. He says he knows he's abrasive and snide, but she makes him a better person. Then he wheels away as Naomi looks shocked. SHOCKED! Because this wasn't the thing that was obviously going to happen since the first time we saw him.
Cooper's fondling bananas (no, really) in the breakroom at Oceanside when Charlotte comes in and asks if he's going to eat it or make love to it. He says bananas are amazing, and he'll never look at them in the same way again. Okay, I really want to smack him and I don't think I'm as cranky as Charlotte, so I don't know how she's refraining at this point. He gives her a banana and says he'll find another. She uses it to beat him and then says to cut the crap since he followed her into the bathroom and then left for two weeks. She says the sex didn't have to mean they're together, but it has to mean something. He says it was a mistake and he's been with a therapist for two weeks working this out. And "I forgive you." She's like, "You forgive me?" And hits him again on the way out of the room.
Entering a nearby room is Naomi, bringing chocolate into Addison's office. Addison says she needs to talk to someone about her eating disorder, and Naomi just tells her to shut up. Then she fills her in that Fife's in love with her. Addison, "Really? You sure?" Naomi is, since he told her so. Addison asks how you turn down the guy in the wheelchair, but Naomi says she doesn't even notice the wheelchair anymore. She goes on and on about how he can't love her, because he's mean and morally adrift and everything that she hates, so he's really not allowed to love her. Addison: "Oh!" Naomi: "What?" Addison: "You like him." Naomi says she doesn't since she's dating William. Addison: "You like him a lot." Naomi, sighing: "Oh, I like him a lot."
May and Gay are being rushed into the hospital by Pete. Apparently they tried sex again, but the condom broke or something because May can't even breathe. Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that a lily-selling obviously gay man's wife is ALLERGIC to him? Convenient? Or poison? I kid. May's freaking out and seizing, until Pete talks her down and gives her some sort of oxygen thing. Pete doesn't know what happened. DRAMA! Commercials. Chad Ochocinco might actually get me to watch Dancing With the Stars. I mean, he was at Oregon State the same time I was, so we are practically BFFs, right?
Back in the hospital, Pete tells May and Gay the obvious answer: The condom broke or leaked or was too big (people have a tendency to buy them too big). He says there was seminal fluid present. May tells Gay it's not his fault, but he says she's allergic to him and he can't have sex knowing that he could kill her at anytime. He says he loves her and doesn't want to be alone, but he can't stand the thought of hurting her. Pete tells them he doesn't want them to forgo sex, so he'll find a away. Sam's in thought when Vanessa approaches him and thanks him for being the first person ever to stand her up; she couldn't have lived without that unique humiliation. Whatever. It's character-building. He apologizes, explaining that Esau left the hospital, which is actually completely valid, but she's not buying it. She realizes that the fabulous Addison! Forbes! Montgomery! is somehow a factor and tells him she's not going to be in her shadow in her personal life just like in her professional. She says she's a catch, but he's going to have to chase her. Who talks like that? Sam gets a page so can't chase her just then. Instead, he finds Esau in a hall. Addison's taking Elisha to deliver the baby; she's in labor. Sam asks Esau to come with him, since it's not safe for him to be with her or the baby.
Sheldon's stressed, but Charlotte says she is too, since Cooper's back and is all Zen. He asks if it bothers her, and she says she beat him with a banana. She basically asks him to shrink her head, and he says she thinks it means Cooper's over her. She acknowledges Sheldon's pretty good at this (well, yeah, compared to Violet, but that's not asking much), acting like she's never met the guy even though she used to be his boss. He says he's failing everybody right now, since everyone runs (Violet and her patient; he apparently has no patients of his own). Charlotte tells Sheldon to push with patients, instead of giving up, and he thanks her. Charlotte whatevers in response on the way out.
May finds Pete in his office and tells him to stop wasting him time trying to find a cure since Gay dumped her. She cries and Pete tells her he's sorry; he knows it's hard, but sex is important so maybe it's better to end it now before it got serious. May says it might not make sense, but Gay was the one and now he's gone. She says he still has her heart and always will. Pete says she'll find someone else, and she asks if he really believes that. He says he does, but that's hard to believe. May tells Pete to have Naomi forget the eggs, since she's done without Gay.
Addison fills Esau in on the status of the baby; she says she'll update him again as soon as the baby's born. Then some suited guys come in and ask if that's Esau. They're with Immigration, of course, and have an order to detain him. DRAMA! Commercials. Sometimes I wish they'd just ease into a commercial, nice and boring. Afterward, Addison's scrubbing up for delivering the baby when Sam comes in and they get into an argument about him calling Immigration. He was trying to do the right thing, but she says tearing them apart isn't right. He says sometimes love doesn't work out, and she's like, "Well." Wait, so he called Immigration because if his love can't work out with Addison, he can't let her patient have love either? Douche move, Sam. And I used to like you. Sam tells Addison to come on, he's trying to be happy, which she thinks is great, but she has to deliver this baby. Um, Addison, you moved on first, at least sexually speaking, so get off your high horse.
Naomi comes in finding Pete reading "On Semen," which is hilarious because ... only on this show. He sadly tells her that Gay left May after she almost died. How did Naomi miss out on this? Aren't they her patients? Oh, right, she doesn't work. I almost forget. Naomi thought they were perfect, and Peter wonders if it's a biological message telling them they don't belong together. Naomi says there are the people who are right for you on paper, and then the people who are just right. Pete asks if it's settling to go with the person who's right for you on paper. Naomi says maybe there's nothing wrong with settling; with being wooed. Pete says sometimes the person who's just right doesn't want you. Naomi says or they do, and they're just wrong. Pete: "Yeah." Um, did they forget what they were talking about? Pete wonders if they're going to have this discussion, and he says no. They both really wanted May to get her guy.
Sheldon rings Clea's doorbell. And, OMG, why do doctors show up at people's houses on this show? No one would do that. Sheldon tells her he's sorry, and doesn't normally do this, but he's crazy. Oh, and he wanted to be a surgeon, but his first night in medical school, on call, there was a guy who was screaming and bleeding and Sheldon let go of the compression and he bled out. The guy kept yelling at him until he was dead. Sheldon faked illness and then switched to psychology. "I ran." He says he hasn't been through a plane crash, but he knows what it's like not to push through to have the life you wanted. He knows he's not Violet, but he can help her (many would argue that anyone is better than Violet). He asks her to let him help her.
Immigration guys are making calls outside of Esau's office, when Sam comes up and tells them that the nurses paged him to tell him Esau's oxygen levels dropped and if they take him now, they'll have a body on their hands by the time they get there. He goes into the room and tells Esau to put his mask on and start acting sicker. Immigration Suit comes in and tells Sam he doesn't believe him, which is pretty dumb considering Sam's the guy who called, but whatever. This is this show. Esau fake-coughs pretty well and Sam tells the guy to step back as to not be at risk. The threat of disease is enough to make the guy wait until Esau's stable. Commercial.
Pacific Wellcare. May comes in to see Pete, and Gay's there, too. Pete asked him to come because Pete has good news. He can try to fix this. He says there are breakthroughs in desensitizing people using injections of small traces to build up the immune system over time. He says it could take six months to a year or not work at all, but he says he envies what they have, so maybe it's enough to go a time with no sex.
Esau jumps out of bed to see his totally white baby in the arms of Elisha in the hall. He says the baby's beautiful, then Sam says he can't stall anymore and they have to let the Immigration guys in now. Elisha and Esau say they love each other, and then he lets them take him away. That is so depressing. I like to think things like that don't really happen. Elisha goes back to her room, leaving Sam and Addison alone. He asks if he thinks about her when he's with Vanessa? "Yeah. But I can't wait around for something I can't have, and you shouldn't expect me to." See? It's all about Addison, always. Lesson learned.
Sheldon shows up with sourdough from San Francisco for Charlotte, since she helped him fly there with his patient (I hope the patient paid for the flight, and the one). He gives her a hug, too, and apologizes since he knows she's not huggy. She says, "Didn't kill me," which is awesome. Then she invites him to stay for a martini. Uh-oh. Sam finds Vanessa and tells her he ran track in high school. Then, so Sam says he didn't actually make the team because of asthma, but he can run pretty fast. Vanessa's like, "What is your point?" He says he's ready to chase her but she better be ready to get caught. She says he's very good with the lines, and he agrees. Cooper shows up at Violet's/Charlotte's to get Violet's mail (which is so dumb; no one would send her mail, and if anyone did, it would be Charlotte). Anyway, Charlotte's head pops up from the couch, where she's clearly naked and panicked, as she asks him what the hell he's doing here. Then Sheldon's head pops up too, also attached to a seemingly naked body. Of course. Sheldon laughs, "Charlotte made martinis." Cooper storms out, and Sheldon says he thinks he's lost his Zen. Naomi preps for the ballet with William, but Fife rolls by first and tells her she looks stunning. She leaves with William, but looks longingly back at where Fife just was. Addison and Pete drink on her balcony as she watches the light in Sam's bedroom. "He's moved on." "So's she." Then Addison adorably says, "I don't want to alarm you, but I'm going to cry now." Pete says he's going to hold her while she cries, and he does. Is it possible they have become the best couple on this show by not actually being a couple? I think we all know it's totally possible.
week: Addison wonders if she's stupid or a bad person. Pete wonders where they stand and says maybe he could be in love with her. Three images of Addison side by side by side as the voiceover guy says she's at a crossroads. She tells Naomi she's not going to fall in love with Pete's kid, but Nae says she is. Vanessa and Addison disagree about something at the hospital. So they've never worked together before, but now they will? Convenient. Sheldon tells Addison to grow the hell up.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has never found her Zen. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.