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Addison wants to talk to Sam about wedding fashions and about dating good old Pete, but there's this damn baby that is rudely insisting on being born prematurely. Pete calls an ambulance, Naomi and Addison. Luckily the paramedics gamely agree to cart the bawling woman, her almost-born baby, and all three doctors to the hospital for the Heartbreaking Decision du Jour. The baby is 25 weeks old (but doesn't look a day over 20!) Everything is going wrong for the poor little guy and his dance card is already full of surgeries, ventilators, and incubators. Addison totally wants to mercy kill the baby on sight, but the parents, Pete and Naomi are all against it, which is shocking, I know.
Meanwhile, Cooper manages to fend off Charlotte's new boyfriend's Oxy scamming ways. When he goes to seek Violet's so-called counsel, she compares casual Oxy use to taking too many allergy meds or being prescribed anti-depressants, because she is the most awesomest doctor ever. Then Cooper passive aggressively rats the guy out to Charlotte, who, obviously, couldn't give a rat's patoot about Cooper's aspersions. So Cooper goes to the man himself who swears he doesn't have a problem, but Cooper wants him to go talk to Violet, because she has lots of experience with drug addicts and being a lousy doctor and can totally relate and thus is qualified to be the arbiter of that situation. Obviously the guy is not really excited by that idea, but he'll do it anyway, which is just another example of how much this show strives for realism. When the doc gets snippy in his forced therapy, it totally proves he's a nutter with a drug habit. But when the druggie screws up on Cooper's patient, Charlotte's administrative side kicks in and the guy gets kicked to the curb.
Dell is offering up marriage advice and consolations to Maya, whose cranky mom won't come to her shotgun wedding. Luckily Rosanna Arquette is there to pick up the maternal slack (and apparently every crimping iron in the greater LA area). She is trying to put a positive spin on the wedding and she is trying to drag Sam with her. But Maya wants her mommy and goes to the hospital to beg Naomi reconsider. Instead of being touched by Maya's gesture, Naomi decides that nothing makes up for crap parenting than an even bigger pile of crap parenting. Sam finally gives her a long overdue dressing down (after Dell gave him one) and obviously she doesn't miss her daughter's wedding. So Maya gets shotgun wedded and it's as lovely as any 16-year-old's wedding ever was. Also, Cooper and Charlotte consummate the marriage in the bathroom, which was very considerate of them to spare the bride of that indignity.
Meanwhile, Addison operates on the wee one and it doesn't go well. She calls for an end to her interventions, but the parents happily seize on the one-percent shot at a life outside the NICU for their kid and are waiting for a miracle. But one by one the doctors all start to agree with Addison and then, finally, the parents do, too. Tears are shed as this show kills another baby.
I'm just sayin', I could have been watching ice skating.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's another beautiful day at Oceanside Wellness and another expectant mother is experiencing totally normal aches and pains that undoubtedly are leading to the imminent death of her unborn child because that is what happens to every expectant mother who ever crosses the threshold of this private practice. Didn't she notice the "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter" sign hanging over the stoop? No? Oh well. So her baby is about to die, but first she has to make small talk WITH PETE. Gah! The universe is SO unfair sometimes. The mother is played by Sara Rue, who I adore, despite the fact that I couldn't actually name anything she has been in. So she starts have worsening contractions OBVIOUSLY and Pete calls Naomi who immediately insists she flee from the clutches of Pete the Evil Eastern Mystic and into a clean and proper hospital.
Out in the Foyer of Misery (I mean, really, has anything good ever happened there? ) Addison wants to talk to Sam about um... er... what to wear to the shotgun wedding? Sam is whiny because he has to write a toast and he wanted Addison's help and she wasn't home last night. This is undoubtedly because she is a complete ho-bag. This is confirmed by Addison who admits that she is seeing someone -- Someone Who Will Not Be Named. Sam is discomfited by this half revelation, luckily Addison is forcibly removed from the conversation by the damn preemie. Pete, Naomi, and Addison all ride in the back of the ambulance with the paramedic who doesn't at all seem interested in starting a territorial pissing contest with the three doctors for domain over the now screaming woman. Addison, to her credit, does not seem concerned about getting buckets of blood over her Diane Von Furstenburg dress. The wee babe is born in the ambulance while Pete sighs at the cruelty of the universe and the mom recites everything she ever read in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which really did not include this. If only she had eaten more all natural yogurt and walked two miles a day in orthopedic shoes whilst drinking a gallon of water! It's all her fault!
Elsewhere in the hospital, "Doctor" Cooper talks to his little hernia patient who is recovering from surgery. The surgeon comes blustering in and swears the surgery went awesome, but everyone leaves him hanging for the High Five due to the Giant Douche sign hanging over his head. His general douchiness is confirmed when he claims he got an owie on the tennis court and could really use a prescription for some Oxycontin. Druggie Douche [Who also happened to be Nip/Tuck's Carver which is a sure sign he's a doctor you don't want operating on your child. -- Angel]! Cooper balks and the guy backs off into the hallway where he runs in to his girlfriend who just happens to be Charlotte King. Awkwardness ensues. I wish Charlotte and Cooper would just get back together so we wouldn't have to endure the Awkward anymore.
Maya has taken Dell's advice and has hauled her pregnant ass all the way to the hospital to beg her mom to come to her wedding. My opening would have been: "I didn't have the abortion, so you better come to my wedding, woman." Instead she opts for "I need my mama." While that would have melted my heart, Naomi takes it as an affront to motherhood. She claims Maya needed a mother long ago and she's not going to give her one now. Which is pretty much just punishing Maya for Naomi's own crappy parenting. Maya protests that it's her wedding! Not a rather expensive and elaborate religiously-fueled guilt trip. But Naomi won't sit down in front of God and, like, the neighbors and be reminded of what a shit parent she was. And nothing cures a hill of crappy parenting like a MOUNTAIN of crappy parenting. And, I'm not particularly religious or anything, but wouldn't God already know that she was a lousy parent?
Poor little incubator baby is laboriously breathing in his incubator with his eyes taped shut and his little stocking cap on his head. His mama watches him and recounts the struggle to get pregnant and all the IVFs and how excited they were to have him. The mom asks to hold her little baby, but Addison really unnecessarily bitchily says no. I mean, TONE, woman! C'mon, this a heartbroken grief-stricken mother, could you pretend not to disprove of her wanting to HOLD HER BABY? Then the parents and Pete and Naomi all gang up on Addison and force her to perform a surgery to try and save the baby's digestive system against her strident advice. Addison glares at them all, but agrees to do it.
Elsewhere, Cooper is having to cover for Doctor Douche and he is not happy about it. He knows the guy is stoned off his ass in his BMW at a country club parking lot instead of tending to the needs of his patients. Charlotte comes in to the room to, I don't know, gloat? loiter? Cooper takes the opportunity to tell her that her new boyfriend is a drug-addled lawsuit waiting to happen. She is unconvinced by his assessment. BUT SHE WILL EAT HER WORDS. Right?
Sam is struggling to write his speech and the process is not helped by Addison's interruption and need to profess her dating status to him. He doesn't want to talk about it, so she talks about her dying preemie instead, because she simply has to talk about herself or else her lady bits will fall off. It's a curse thing, don't ask. She sighs that she is going to head back to the hospital to remove most of the baby's intestinal tract now. Sam then segues to his daughter's wedding. The English language as used in ShondaLand is magical like that: necrotizing baby intestines to weddings in an instant. Sam has to make a speech making everyone feel happy about the wedding, when all he wants to do is stop the whole thing. Well, I guess you shouldn't have signed the papers then, eh? Addison does not point this out, but just stares at him ruefully while she tries to get the conversation back to her.
Violet is staring at a wedding dress in the elevator when Pete gets in. Instead of making a Miss Haversham references, he asks if she is eloping. Hahahahahhaaaaaaaaa. Unless she could elope with her bottle of Prozac or the physical manifestation of sad. Hahahahahahaaa. Violet takes me to the dark place. She's like a black hole of happy and I still have no idea why the fuck she exists on this show. I mean seriously, I am more comfortable watching the dying baby than her. So Pete makes some crack about the wedding dress and Violet fake laughs and then starts crying quietly, stroking the dress and muttering, "It's my wedding. It's my wedding. " Then she asks Pete if he is bringing a plus one because she's not bringing a plus one, but Cooper is, is Pete bringing one? She makes sorrowful noises until Pete swears he's not bringing anyone and the last lone solitary spark of hope residing in the dark, dark abyss of Violet's bleak existence lights up at that assurance and little birds descend from the heavens and carry her on to her errand.
Cooper finds Doctor Douche passed out in the lounge. Not the one Pete and Addison had sex in, but a different one. Cooper calls him out on his drug using bullshit and reminds him that he is a doctor with, like, responsibilities and patients and, oh yeah, he could hurt someone! Doctor Douche doesn't care... unless Cooper is threatening him. Is Cooper threatening him? Cooper is not threatening him yet, but suggests he go talk to Dr. Violet... OR ELSE HE GOES TO CHARLOTTE. Um, the same Charlotte who already shot down your slanderous innuendo? That Charlotte? Yes, THAT Charlotte. For some reason Doctor Douche goes for it. It must all be a cry for help.
Meanwhile, Addison is doing the surgery, but it is not going well. The baby survives the operation, and she is able to stop his bleeding brain, but this is not cause for hope, people. The parents are hopeful anyway. So Addison harshly adds that there is most likely brain damage, the kid has no digestive system, and is most likely going to go blind. Mom and Dad aren't really buying it. And I can't blame them, because who would want to buy that, right? Addison says the kid has less than a one percent chance to live outside the NICU and the parents' ears perk up at that. Addison tries to squash the hope like it is Tinkerbell in mosquito form and Pete and Naomi just sit there while Addison kicks them while they are down. Addison just gets stonier and stonier in light of their Pollyannaishness and finally she refuses to do any more operations and storms out of the room.
Dr. Douche has rushed to repair whatever damage he did to Cooper's patients nuts, but Charlotte won't let him unless he can swear he didn't take any drugs that day. He can't. Walk of shame.
The poor sad beleaguered parents who were cruelly and coldly abandoned by Addison stare at their teeny tiny baby while making plans to find a new surgeon. Pete and Naomi nod along, but when the mom sighs that she wants to hold him, Naomi says there is a way: she can hold him and say goodbye. The mom looks horrified, but when Naomi says that as a mother sometimes you have to find the strength to do what is right for your child even when it will kill you or something else she plagiarized from a Hallmark card and suddenly the mom is convinced. Of course, the mom doesn't realize that Naomi was actually talking to herself about HER own kid, but alls well that ends well, right? The mom may be convinced, but the dad (who is a stand out as a mediocre actor) isn't there yet.
Rosanna Arquette has just finished with Maya's hair and make up when Sam interrupts their girl talk to try and pry his daughter out of the evil clutches of Rosanna Arquette. Rosanna takes the hint and like goes to attend to her actual child for a minute. Maya apologizes to her dad and begs him to be happy for her. Sam pretends to be supportive and kind and happy and almost manages it this time.
At the church, Charlotte is obviously sitting in the row right behind Cooper because, yeah, why wouldn't you sit right behind your ex-boyfriend? And why is she at Maya's wedding anyway? Anyway Charlotte explains that Dr. Douche is off in rehab and can she sit to him? Cooper's plus one shows up just then and she is, like... well, Charlotte is the Mini-Me of this woman. All blonde and Southern fried and tough talkin'. Hahahahhaaa! Awkward! Kill me!
At the hospital, the dad tells Pete that he loves his son and that's why he won't give up hope. Pete tells him the best way to show his love is to let him go. Speaking of loving by letting go of your children, Maya is about to walk down the aisle when Naomi finally shows up chock full of things borrowed, blue, old and new. Maya is as stoic-faced as ever, but blinks twice so we know she's happy. Naomi looks like she is going to barf and faint as she walks into the church and smiles at Rosanna Arquette and sits to Addison. Then Maya gets married and Naomi looks like she is going to die, like, dead right there on the pew. And then she comes to accept it and swallows back the bile.