The show opens with that mediocre California pop song about stealing sunshine that even I know is at least three years old. It's too soon to be retro and too old to be interesting. Get with it, music department! It's like they're not even trying. Addison and SWAT are making out while they walk to her house after go-cart racing. When Addison claims it was better than sex, I start to doubt my long-lasting affinity for SWAT. Oh who are we kidding, SWAT is no Christopher. Mid-grope Addison notices that her front door is open. SWAT gets all SWAT-y, pulls the gun from the ankle holster (he took that go-cart racing??), and storms the house. He finds a couple making out on the kitchen floor. It's Addison's brother Archer! Played by Grant Show! I honestly don't know if moving from Swingtown to this is a step up or a step down. I do miss the moustache though. Addison makes hasty introductions, while both men holster their weapons.
Elsewhere, Pete opens his door to find Meg standing on his porch. I guess Botswana wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She just wanted to surprise him! He's surprised, horny and surprised. She has another surprise for him too. At first I think she is going to announce she's pregnant, but instead she lifts her sleeve to reveal a nicotine patch. They grope each other in glee.
Archer is still getting dressed, in fact he is buttoning his fly while talking to his sister, which seems inappropriate for a reserved WASP. The blonde he was defiling on his sister's floor is nowhere to be seen. Archer is just in town for a publishing party. He left a successful career as a neurologist to write books about his patients. Archer teases Addison about her alarm system, her cop boyfriend, and her desertion of all things civilized. Addison snarks that he is just there to spy on her for their mother, a woman who WASPily insists that they call her Busy. And! And he's not a cop, he's SWAT! Archer laughs, "Wait 'til I tell her a Forbes Montgomery is dating a cop. No offense." SWAT claims none taken, but we all know where this is going. Don't we? We do. We see this plot twist signaling from the path through the mountains about two miles off. It's a-comin' this way.
Violet is uncomfortably testifying in a pedophile's trial. Man, Violet gets the really uplifting storylines. Violet claims that she and Mr. Perv never talked about his inappropriate feelings toward minors and she only saw him three times anyway. When she is done with her testimony she goes to leave, but the judge stops her. I'm not sure, but I think the judge is Miss Patty from The Gilmore Girls. She looks skinny, but I think it's her. I wonder if SWAT/Christopher got her the part? Aw... crushing on him again!
Archer gets the tour of Oceanside Wellness. He won't admit it's nice. Pete introduces himself and Archer annoyingly suggests that Addison should be dating him instead of SWAT. Pete has read a few of Archer's books, adding to the mutual love fest. Addison and Archer run into Naomi in the hallway and she hugs Archer. Sam joins in and the interaction between all four of them is nice, because it reminds you that the characters really are supposed to have history. They were friends once. This entire season has made that easy to forget. Sam, Naomi, Archer, and Addison are reminiscing and laughing about WASPs and their drinking when Violet busts up the party asking, "Does everyone like pedophiles?" The judge ordered her to counsel Mr. Perv every evening. Cooper smartly reminds everyone that it's a pediatric office, but since the meetings are after hours Violet doesn't think the judge will care. Everyone denounces it and yells about it, but the fracas doesn't let up until Dell runs off. Sam slaps his forehead, "Dell!" and Violet goes after him. Dell is upset because he was hit all the time by someone and he can't imagine if it was sexual abuse and not just physical. Violet therapeutically nods that all abuse is bad. Dell announces he is leaving early to avoid the sexual offender. Cooper creeps up on Violet to rub it in her face that he is not the only one who is unhappy about having a sex offender on the premises. Violet and I can't figure out why everyone is mad at her since it was court mandated. Violet changes the subject and asks Cooper how he and Charlotte are doing. He says great. So great that he is going to ask her to move in with him! My how quickly he has matured from last week when he was barely able to admit he was in a relationship! Violet looks serious as Cooper walks off. Oh, and Archer invited everybody to a party.
Violet finds Charlotte who is still supervising the construction. Doesn't she still have a day job? And why is she overseeing the construction any way? Is she too cheap to hire a contractor? Violet demands Charlotte tell Cooper about the clinic. Charlotte still doesn't think it's important, but Violet insists.
Now it's our favorite time of night. That's right! It's The Drama of the Week! This week we will watch as a loving Southern Christian couple, who are mysteriously living in the vast Sodom and Gomorrah that is Los Angeles, decide that God is punishing them for using in vitro fertilization. Two of their triplets are using the same circulatory system and will most likely weaken and die. The couple knows that God will provide for them, but Addison wants to operate to separate them. The couple puts their faith in God over Addison. How long do you think that will last?
Addison and Naomi argue about the risks of operating on the triplets. Addison wants to push the couple to see things her way, but Naomi huffily reminds her that they can't push a couple to go against their beliefs! Uh oh! Looks like someone has been reading the scripts again! What would this show have were it not for pushing couples to go against their beliefs? Addison draws the rest of the practice into the argument. Archer laughs that it's like Dr. Jeopardy! They all jovially argue about due diligence and faith and the human element, but their fun is doused when Mr. Perv shows up. They all know who he is because of the giant Mr. Perv sign that the court mandated he wear on his head. All the doctors rock from foot to foot and avoid eye contact. Violet quickly ushers Mr. Perv into her office.
Mr. Perv apologizes to Violet for not telling her the truth before. He hates that part of himself. Being caught is freeing because now he can't hide and has to get help. How much do I not want to be recapping this? I'm going to pretend they are talking about overeating cupcakes instead. He doesn't want to eat the little cupcakes, because if he did anything they would become what he is an -- a cupcake eater. He was once abused by a cupcake and the cupcake abuse tore him apart. He never wants to eat another cupcake. He wants to go home and not go near that bakery ever again.
In an effort to help her quit smoking, Pete is needling Meg. Acupuncture will heal all of her ersatz housewife woes! Of course when he actually inserts the needle they cut away and use magic model acupuncturist hands. Meg complains about being stuck at home (figuratively, I assume she's not a DIY acupuncturist) while he works. Pete reminds her that he could have rescheduled if she had told him she was coming. Seriously, Meg, it's the hazard of the surprise visit. Meg complains some more and Pete calmly inserts needles in her shut-the-hell-up chakra.
Later that evening all the doctors have gathered at Archer's fancy publisher-funded shindig. Naomi is looking fly in a blue dress. Addison is wearing something much less flattering -- all grey and high-waisted and stripey on the bottom. Addison tells Naomi that Archer and SWAT are trying to make nice, but when we join their conversation, we realize the statement is simply untrue. Archer grills SWAT as to what he is doing with his sister. Is he trying to get his hands on her $25 million dollar trust fund? SWAT would have spittaked at that number, but Archer doesn't let him get it out. He tells him his sister is just playing with him and he shouldn't get too comfortable. Then Archer walks off leaving SWAT to stew in his inferiority. I wonder if Addison said the same thing to Archer's blonde to make her disappear?
Cooper brought Charlotte to the soiree and Violet and her Prince-esque woman-sign earrings ask her if she told Cooper about the competing practice yet. Charlotte rebuffs her and when Cooper joins them with his plate full of spanakopita, Violet walks off. Amy Brenneman is hot when they let her be. Cooper asks Charlotte to move in with him and Charlotte smiles broadly.
Meanwhile, Archer finds Sam sitting alone at the bar. He asks Sam about Naomi and dating. Archer pulls a woman with a "thing for writers" off the floor to talk to Sam. He's such a pimp! What would the Forbes Montgomerys think? As the camera spins around the room, it lands on Naomi looking uncomfortable at the sight of Sam flirting. Archer moseys up to Naomi and they tease each other like old friends. Old flirty friends, that is. Addison finds Kevin and when he tells her that Archer gave him the lay of the overprivileged land, she brushes it off as big brotherliness. Kevin announces that he has an early day, but really he is just his manhood shriveling up at the girth of Addison's trust fund. Addison isn't sure what's up, but plays the dutiful girlfriend and decides to go too, leaving Naomi in the clutches of Archer. Naomi nervously guzzles champagne so you know it's going to be good. Archer promises to drive Naomi home. And, boy, does he drive her home. If that's what the kids are calling it these days. Yikes! They consummate their friendship on the stairs. Hope Maya is staying at Sam's.
In the early dawn hours, Archer does the walk of shame back to Addison's. Only he's totally not shameful. Addison grouches that he should have called, but I'm not sure why because she didn't seem to care when he didn't call to tell her he was going to be visiting, broke into her house, and had raunchy sex on her kitchen floor with some random dye job. Addison grouses some more and hopes that Archer had the decency to get Naomi home before he had his night of drunken debauchery. Archer grins at that and Addison grimaces at the thought. At the office, she walks into Naomi's office and straight up asks her if she slept with her brother. Naomi gets a huge goofy grin on her face and Addison whirls around in grossed outness. Addison stops at the door to shake her head in horror. Hearing the high-pitched squee of girl talk, Violet comes running in to the room. Violet and Naomi jump around excitedly over Naomi's foray into meaningless sex, while Addison shakes her head in the full miasma of disgust that arises only when sibling (or parental) sexual activity is discussed. Addison's and Naomi's pagers go off. It must be the weekly drama! Can't wait to see how God is punishing them now! At the hospital, Naomi and Addison anxiously read the chart. Tess fainted at the airport and the Christian triplets are in trouble. Tess won't listen, though, despite Addison striking her most concerned face and head tilt. Tess just won't listen to reason. Or to Addison. Addison corners the concerned husband. She counters his faith with her really indignant belief in herself and her never-fail medical skillz. He's not sure.
Violet is vacantly stirring a cup of tea when Pete walks into the coffee room. He asks her what's up and she rambles on about secrets. At the mention of a secret Pete's ears perk up and he props his chin on his hands and asks, "Secret?" Violet doesn't tell him what it is, just that she has one and wishes she didn't. She tells him that they missed him at the party yesterday and he explains that he was doing acupuncture on Meg because she is quitting smoking. She might be quitting for him and he's not sure how he feels about it. Yawwwwwwnnnn. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I supposed to care about this storyline? Because I really don't. The only think I know about Meg is that she smokes, lives in Africa, and had a tick removed from her back. Then she claimed she was going back to Africa and then a few days later was back in California. There is no story, they have no apparent chemistry, and her existence on the show seems to be time killing for Pete until he hooks up with any of the other single women on the show. Why am I supposed to care if she is quitting smoking for Pete? Pete moans to Violet that Meg came back for him and quit smoking for him but he's not sure what's going on. That makes two of us.
Addison convinced the husband to convince the wife to trust her instead of God. So she is operating. The triplets are in her hands now. Just as Addison is about to start repairing God's screw up, the mother goes into a hyperthermic reaction to the anesthetic. That bitch is totally undermining Addison's operation! Addison comes out to the waiting room to talk to the husband who is nervously clutching his Bible. Addison explains that she couldn't complete the procedure and Tess is too weak to try again. Needless to say the man is not happy that he put his faith in Addison. Elsewhere, God chuckles to himself.
Violet follows Cooper into the office to find out what's wrong. He laughs that he took the morning off work because he was hungover from celebrating Charlotte's decision to move in with him! The time my doctor cancels an appointment it better not be due to his hangover. When Violet hears that Charlotte is moving in, she shuts the office door and finally tells Cooper about Charlotte and the competing medical practice. Obviously Cooper is mad at Violet, because it is totally her fault. Why does Violet work at this practice? Everyone is unnecessarily mean to her and her best friend is kind of a dick. Cooper slams the door as he storms out of his office and shatters the glass. He doesn't look back, although I bet that is very distracting for their patients. That is, if they have any. Also: I thought they were supposed to be saving money, not breaking doors in fits of misplaced rage. Also: Cooper's kind of an idiot.
As the coworkers survey the damage, both to their door and to their business, they finally explain why they care about the competing medical practice. Since Charlotte was the head of St. Ambrose Hospital, she will now get all the referrals. Which would make sense except that this show has pounded into our heads the fact that Charlotte is a completely unlikable biznatch, so why would she have any friends from St. Ambrose? Addison doesn't think the day could get any worse, then she remembers that she was the one who rented the fourth floor in the first place. She whirls around and puts everyone on notice that if they don't want any more doors broken they better not mention her decision. Cooper and his very un-Californian plaid flannel shirt, charge off the elevator onto the still under construction fourth floor. He beelines to where Charlotte is still standing and supervising the construction, which seems to involve nothing but looking over blueprints and wearing a hard hat. Cooper accosts her and yells at her for milking him for private information about his private practice. He is really worked up, but Charlotte quickly takes the wind out of his sails by saying that she signed a non-disclosure agreement and couldn't tell him until the place was fully staffed. Why didn't she just tell Violet that? Maybe it was a non-disclosable non-disclosure agreement. Now Cooper knows and Charlotte's glad. Cooper looks confused.
Violet's back on the couch with Mr. Cupcake. He loves looking at pictures of cupcakes. He wants to touch them, because he knows they are sugary tasty fantasies with no calories and 100% fat free. He doesn't feel guilty about it. Or at least not as guilty as he does when he looks at the cupcake that filed charges against him. Violet wants to talk about the real cupcake -- The one from the courtroom with the alluring pink frosting and beautiful orange and green sprinkles. Mr. Cupcake doesn't want to eat that cupcake. It would be wrong! And add unnecessary calories to his already full diet, not to mention the inevitable cottage-cheese thighs. Violet thinks he does want to eat the cupcake. She thinks it sounds like he has a plan to eat the cupcake. I'm surprised he can do any cupcake eating at all what with all the sniveling he does. Tears always make for soggy frosting.
Back in the lobby, Sam and Maya step off the elevator. Maya is wearing marshmallow white frosting with blue and orange sprinkles. She is a veritable cupcake of foreshadowing. An icing-covered caboose on the Candyland express of inevitability. Okay, I don't know what that meant either, but it was fun to write. Addison leaves another voicemail for SWAT as she walks into Naomi's office. Much to Addison's chagrin, Naomi is meeting Archer again. While Naomi tries to explain to Addison the joys of single living, Sam starts to interrupt the conversation, but is stopped by his desire to eavesdrop. When he realizes that Naomi slept with Archer he finally speaks up. He is not okay with the situation! Unlucky Archer happens in just then and walks straight into Sam's fist. As Archer collapses on the floor, everyone rushes out of their offices to see what the problem is. And by everyone I am including Violet who ominously leaves her office door open revealing the all you can eat cupcake buffet waiting in the conference room. After nine seconds, Addison notices Mr. Cupcake feasting on Maya. Panic and overreaction ensues, spearheaded by Dell dragging Mr. Cupcake out by his ear, Sam berating Mr. Cupcake for coming near his daughter, Naomi demanding Maya tell her if he touched her, and everyone else running around waving their arms screaming.
Violet and Dell decompress in her office. Dell apologizes for his rough handling of Mr. Cupcake. Violet guesses that his visceral reaction was due to his childhood abuse, but Dell relates it to having a six-year old daughter. (Betsy, whose existence was just invented last week, so you are forgiven for not remembering.) Dell reminds Violet (and the audience) that his daughter's mother is a drug addict and hangs around with bad people and he is powerless to protect her. Violet tells Dell about her rape. While it is nice that she can open up about it, it seems unnecessary and sort of a non sequitur. Also, why did everyone in the office know that Dell was abused as a child? Is it odd that it would not occur to me to divulge such to my coworkers? Dell and Violet debate whether Mr. Cupcake's desire to get better is enough to merit him staying on the outside surrounded by cupcakes. Would Jenny Craig be a safer spot for him? Violet doesn't know.
Sam pulls out a beer in order to relax after Maya's nine-second interaction with the cupcake fanatic. Naomi comes down from upstairs. She finally got Maya to sleep with a few Ambien and a bottle of scotch. She'll start therapy and ECT in the morning. Naomi chugs the beer in relief. (Editorial Aside: Yes, I know I am being glib. Yes, pedophilia is serious. But! Maya was with him for less than one minute and her parents undoubtedly traumatized her more with their massive overreaction than if they had simply removed him from the room. Thus, the glibness. Now don't email me.) Sam apologizes for leaving Maya alone in the office, but won't apologize for punching Archer in front of Maya, who was apparently the only person who didn't notice the melee. He then weirdly tells Naomi that he always thought he would be the first to move on from their relationship. Naomi giggles like a teenager and has a fox-in-the-henhouse grin while she laughs that she didn't think she'd be first either, but she's glad! They got divorced to live their own lives and now they are. And apparently they are going to spend the rest of their lives rubbing it in each other's faces. How modern!
Charlotte lets herself into Cooper's house. He demands his key back, but she ignores him because she bought him a present. She opens her trench coat to reveal an entire outfit of edible body paint. When Cooper restrained himself for a moment, Charlotte barked at him to not let it melt. She jumps on Cooper and shoves her frosting-covered boob in his face. He caves. Quick question: Where did she put on the paint? At the office? In the car? In the hallway? I don't know what Kadee Strickland did before, but I am so sorry about what she is doing now.
Addison yells at Archer for sleeping with her best friend, spying on her for their mother, and dissing her boyfriend. Archer defends his actions with Naomi, but he really doesn't think that SWAT is right for her. He knows her. Addison looks unsure, but just as she thinks about maybe possibly doubting her relationship with SWAT her phone rings. It's SWAT. Or at least SWAT's phone. SWAT was shot. Wow, Addison's been dating him three weeks and she's already his emergency contact? Maybe he is after her trust fund. In the emergency room, Addison obnoxiously bosses the doctors around. Entertainingly they snipe at her about it and she resigns herself to watching.
Pete comes home to find Meg smoking. When she's busted, she blames him for her relapse because he should have stayed home and entertained her and distracted her from smoking. Plus, his acupuncture totally didn't work. Pete doesn't care about the cigarette. He wants to know what she is doing in LA since she hates it so much. He knows she doesn't want to quit smoking or live in Los Angeles, so what does she ... Oh sorry. I drifted off there. I'll rewind. Pete isn't sure what he wants either.
Much to the irritation of the surgeon, Addison is back seat operating. Why did they let her in the room anyway? Naomi comes in to watch, too. No junior mints in sight, yet. Naomi actually came in to tell her that the Christian triplets are in jeopardy. From the devil! The devil that is Addison! Addison hesitates until SWAT's surgeon begs her to leave the room and check on her own patient already. Addison sadly reports that the healthy baby passed away due to the reaction to the anesthetic. The couple agree that this is not God's work. They decide to turn from God, trust medicine, and trust Addison. Addison reminds Tess that she almost died from surgery a few hours ago and can't live through another operation yet. Tess knows that God did not intend for all three of her babies to die. The two with the parasitic circulatory systems are still alive, but need help. Addison's help. Tess convinces Addison to do the surgery despite the fact that it's dangerous, may kill her, may kill the remaining babies, and borders on malpractice. Addison agrees. It's not God anymore, it's all Addison. The couple builds a small shrine in the corner complete with candles and incense and start working on the hymnal.
Violet calls the judge about Mr. Cupcake. She thinks the cupcake from the courtroom is in danger.
Addison performs her faith-based, malpractice-heavy surgery on Tess. After a note very close call, Addison succeeds in separating the babies. Obviously one will be named Forbes and the other Montgomery. The Church of Addison gets four new members. After the surgery, Addison visits SWAT, who is now stable. Addison dismisses everything Archer said. She is sorry she ever wavered in her faith in their relationship. She doesn't care that he's not a multimillionaire yachtsman, she's proud he is SWAT. SWAT tells her to shut it -- he's a cop. She needs to quit trying to class it up. They come from different worlds. He gets his news from Yahoo instead of the New York Times. Is a Yahoo News reader really a new demographic? Addison demands that he not quit on them. He looks uncertain.
In a holding cell somewhere, Violet and Mr. Cupcake meet. He is upset that she turned him in based on their conversations. She was supposed to help him learn not to crave so much sugar! Violet tells him that his discussion about how best to eat the frosting off that pretty little cupcake from the courtroom sounded like a plan and Violet had an ethical duty to protect the cupcake. She knows that in his heart Mr. Cupcake wants to stay on his diet, but that he can't control his actions yet. A few months in Weight Watchers and he should be better able to fight off those cravings. After her meeting with Mr. Cupcake, Dell tells Violet that she did a good job. He asks for a recommendation for a lawyer so he can get custody of his own daughter. He doesn't want to feel powerless anymore. He knows his babymama is an addict and hasn't petitioned for custody? And the state hasn't stepped in either? Huh.
Cooper meets with Charlotte. He says that he feels that she is not ready to be totally open with him. Cooper tells her that he is done with their relationship. Cooper wanted her to be a part of his life, but clearly he is not a part of hers. He leaves her open mouthed.
Meg promises not to give up anything for Pete. He is happy about that. For now.
Addison comes home to Archer and his blackeye. She likes SWAT because he doesn't care that she's a Forbes Montgomery. He cares about her as a person, not as a trust fund. She sends Archer packing. Naomi primps before opening the door. She looks surprised to see that it is Addison. Addison offers wine and chocolate cake and best friend gossip. Naomi lets her in.
If you needed them, here are a few more reasons you should never become a patient at Oceanside Wellness Center.