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This show has been missing something -- a certain wry and cheerful embrace of pragmatic evil, as exemplified by the dear departed Paul "Barracuda" Kellerman -- but tonight, dear readers, that shining, sarcastic presence returned! No, not Kellerman -- I wish -- but snarky bad guys! General Von Baldy vaulted into the top tier of characters I am always glad to see, as he wittily and repeatedly put Dr. Sara and Linc in their places. The former spent all her time fretting over Michael's super-duper-cutting-edge operation. The latter is now a remarkably motivated and effective probationary henchthug for the One World Conspiracy.
Linc spends most of the episode tooling around the 310 with Sucre, hot on Gretchen and Don Self's squabbling tails. He barely misses catching them at the pier where they were supposed to meet the buyer's agent, then manages to meet up with everyone back at Team Scylla HQ. The buyer's agent escapes with Scylla, Gretchen and Self go on the run, and Lincoln now has something on his to-do list for the episode. Well, it'll fill up the space where "Conspire with Michael" used to go, as the younger brother is like, "You wrecked your life to save mine? I don't get it!" The irony tastes like ice cream.
Speaking of Michael: owing to the nature of his operation, he's in a lucid dreaming state through the whole thing, and Westmoreland drops by to act as a sort of spirit guide. While he's hanging with Westmoreland in an empty version of Fox River, Michael realizes that Scylla's not so much a rolodex of evil as it is a business plan. When he wakes up, he shares this news with Dr. Sara, who's all, "That's very nice, but I'm a little more worried about the fact that the One World Conspiracy scrambled your brains with a few knitting needles." This operation's side effects will doubtlessly be exposed in the fall finale.
As for the other two Fox River escapees: T-Bag gets some teeth pulled by Linc before the credits, and that's it for this episode. And Sucre -- oh, I can barely bring myself to type the terrible truth: Sucre breaks the "in sickness and in health" clause in the Papi vows. He takes off for parts and plots unknown.
Perhaps Sucre can run into Mahone somewhere along the line, as Mahone engineers his own escape from Lang and Wheeler. Yawn -- wake me when he starts being relevant to the plot again.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then look back at the show's most ridiculous moments.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's mid-December, and the airwaves are blanketed with shows in which beloved regulars don Santa hats and remember valuable lessons about the human condition. That's right: 'tis the season for holiday-themed episodes. Yet where are we with Prison Break -- August? Blahvember? There is no way to tell. And if ever there was a series in which the regulars needed a valuable lesson about the nobler aspects of the human condition, it's this one. Therefore, I have decided that instead of recapping the regular episode, I'm going to recap the holiday episode that should have aired. You're welcome, and happy holidays!
So, the Prison Break Christmas episode opens in a rustic cabin, high in the San Bernadino mountain range outside Los Angeles. We see Michael walking up the snowy steps of the front porch, saying to Dr. Sara, "I don't really want anything for Christmas. Now that the One World Conspiracy's been dismantled and General Von Baldy's behind bars, there's not a thing --"
And I have just been informed that by the terms of the contract I signed with TWOP, I must recap television show episodes as they aired, not as I would have liked them to air. All right, Legal, you've spoken, and I must comply. But A Very Prison Break Christmas will continue to air during the commercial breaks in the regular recap.
On the REAL episode: Dr. Sara happens to have swung by the One World Conspiracy HQ, and Linc is filling her in on the details she may have missed in the last episode: "Michael needs surgery. He's going to get it... [General Von Baldy] has arranged for the best doctors in the world." When Dr. Sara floats the idea that maybe, letting conspiracy goons scramble Michael's brains isn't the best option, Linc shuts her down. Dr. Sara says, "I don't understand why [the One World Conspiracy] would help him." General Von Baldy materials out of thin air and brightly says, "Dr. Tancredi! Welcome." Dr. Sara levitates about a foot thanks to sheer horror, and General Von Baldy says soothingly, "Please. There's nothing to be afraid of. All we want is to help --" "You're going to save Michael?" she asks. General Von Baldy gives her the skeptical eyebrow and a "You question our capabilities?" No, Dr. Sara is questioning the likelihood that Michael will wake up with a bomb wired in his brain, or something equally nefarious. General Von Baldy asks, "When a fellow human being is suffering, why would we not want to lend a hand? Empathy, Sara, is the only thing that separates us from the beasts." If this evil overlord thing doesn't work out, General Von Baldy can travel to disaster regions and tender his services as an emergency cooler, seeing as butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
Dr. Sara is still very, very uneasy about this whole set-up, but that doesn't keep her from Michael's side. He's now in a room replete with machines that go ping, and doctors are explaining to America's Fun Couple that "although [Michael] will be anaesthetized and will not feel significant pain, we will need to keep [him] awake for the duration of the procedure. As a safety procedure, we'll need to continually monitor your speech and sensory reactivity, to ensure that the tissue being removed will not leave you impaired in any way." Michael is already pretty out of it; "impaired" might be a step up from where he is now. He manages to ask Dr. Sara where Linc is, and Dr. Sara looks over to where Linc is hovering, and says brightly, "He's here! Everything is going to be just fine."
Over by a big observation window, Linc is saying that he has no plans to leave until he's sure Michael is okay. General Von Baldy rebuts that he's not starting surgery until Linc proves that he's now a One World Conspiracy goon in good standing. The general reminds Linc that Scylla's still out there and "you'll get full cooperation from our office. If you need anything, just call [the number on the business card I've just handed over]." Linc tells General Von Baldy he'll need everything the One World Conspiracy has on either Self or Gretchen. "How about... an accomplice?" General Von Baldy asks.
We cut to an interrogation room where T-Bag is being held. When Linc comes in, T-Bag immediately begins jibbering in his familiar wheedling, bargaining tone, but Linc says, "Shut up. You can save yourself a lot of pain and the embarrassment of asking me to stop if you just tell me where [Gretchen and Self] are." T-Bag counters that "information like that seems like it could be of certain intrinsic value, if there were offers made, carrots dangled, I could see my..." He trails off as Linc drops the dental pliers onto the table. Oh, good, more torture. It's not an episode of Prison Break until someone's human rights have been violated for no good reason.
To make a long story short: LINCOLN SMASH. He knocks T-Bag to the ground and stops his babbling. Two teeth later, T-Bag has given up the location where he was due to meet Gretchen and Self in half an hour.
We go from the amateur dentist to the professional anesthesiologist yawning how Michael's just gotten the last dose of medicine. He's rocking a serious Locutus of Borg look with assorted wires sticking in and out of his head, and as Dr. Sara leans over to kiss Michael's head, I am sort of stunned by how gray Michael has gone. Why, it's like being on the run for three months has aged him years. Dr. Sara murmurs, "I'm not going to leave you. Don't you dare leave me." Anyway, she's ushered out, and Dr. Sara takes her place behind the observatory window. She smiles at Michael and he smiles back before closing his eyes.
The blonde doctor comes out, and Dr. Sara makes professional small talk by asking how experienced the team is with using a gamma knife. The surgeon says, "The gamma knife has a recurrence rate of 13%. We'll be using a technique that's more advanced." This alarms Dr. Sara, who is all, "Does Michael look like a lab rat to you?" We hear a blade begin to whir wetly. Surgery has begun, we're into the opening credits, so what better time to bring you A Very Special Holiday Prison Break?
It's snowing, and the sound of sleighbells gently tingles, only to be drowned out by police sirens. As the sirens recede and we go back to the jinglebells, we zoom in on a cabin, then inside. In the main room, we see Michael, Linc, Dr. Sara, Mahone and Lang trimming a tree by a roaring fireplace. But in a basement below...
SUSAN:
I really can't stay
T-BAG:
Baby, it's cold outside
SUSAN:
How to get away...
T-BAG:
Don't make me scold your hide
SUSAN:
It's not every day... I'm held by a con
T-BAG:
I'll put the eggnog on.
SUSAN:
I keep saying, "No, no, no"
But he'll never let me go.
I'm tied to this chair quite tight
I'll be singing "Silent Fright"
T-BAG:
Don't forget the mistletoe!
SUSAN:
I really can't stay
T-BAG and SUSAN:
Oh, but it's cold outside.
T-Bag ties Susan more tightly to a chair and whispers, "Merry Christmas, my angel, and a most felicitous new year." In the other room, everyone is merrily trimming the tree except for Mahone...
What? I could have had him singing, "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth."
Meanwhile, back in the episode, it's time for Mahone's dreary little subplot-that-can-be-summed-up-within-a-paragraph. And it is truly so dreary, here is all it deserves: After a bathroom break that yielded the opportunity to take a length of pipe, Mahone then took the pipe and used it to break out of the moving vehicle. While both Wheeler and Lang gave chase, Lang is the one who has insight into Mahone's way of thinking, so she tracks him down. However, she can't bring herself to shoot him, so Lang lets Mahone get away.
And now, back to the regular episode: Linc's given Sucre the update on Michael's health situation, and he tells Michael's papi that their new job is to get their hands on Scylla before Self's buyer does. Sucre sensibly asks who they'll be giving Scylla to, and Linc hedges, so Sucre calls him on it. Although Linc won't tell him, he does plead, "One more day, bro. I can't do this without you."
Speaking of Scylla and the people who have it, it's time to see how Gretchen and Self are getting along, down by the pier. Answer: not well. It's evident Gretchen's given up making small talk and turned to other diversions, because she's ditched her usual neutral-face-strong-lipstick look for a smoky eye and nude lipstick. I'm not quite so fond of it, but then again, I'm not an eyeshadow person. She tells Don Self, "When the buyer gets here, why don't you let me do the talking?" "For what? I engineered this thing. I can handle my business," Don Self says, in a dazzling display of profound self-ignorance. Gretchen busts him on his nerves, and when Don says, "I always figured it would come down to a pile of bodies," she replies, "I never pegged you for a killer." He comes back with, "I never pegged you for a mom." For some bizarre reason that passes all human understanding, Gretchen interprets this as a chance to make a flirty move on Don, but he's like, "Oh, don't even try, sweetheart." Yeah, Gretchen, you're wasting your time -- you have neither the cloying stench of Mystic tan, nor the hideous French tips and hot-ironed hair of the guidette, so Don Self doesn't recognize you as mating material.
Back at St. Conspiracy's, the blonde doctor explains the purpose of the giant needles pointing at Michael's skull thusly: "Throughout the surgery, different portions of Michael's cerebral cortex will be stimulated, triggering the areas that control senses like hearing, smell, memory. It's why some people, before death, often think of [their life flashing before their eyes]. When oxygen is cut off from the brain, it kicks into overdrive, tapping into every source to continue operating the body. As a result, all the senses kick off at once. Everything you've ever known, felt, believed, it all passes in the blink of an eye."
And with the blink of Michael's eye, he's gone from the O.R. into a private dream world... set in his old cell at Fox River. The poor guy -- you'd think if his life was flashing before his eyes, he'd remember the parts he told Dr. Sara about, like traveling in Thailand and Mexico. Then he hears, "Hello, Michael." It's Westmoreland! The Silver Fox of season one is back... as Michael's spirit guide? What -- the actor who played Aldo Burrows was too busy to come back and act as Michael's father figure in the eldritch realms?
Anyway, Westmoreland's back, and he's holding Marilyn (awww!), and you can tell this is a figment of someone's imagination because Marilyn is so freakin' docile in Westmoreland's arms. Anyway, Westmoreland says, "The answer is no... you're wondering if you're dead, and the answer is no." Michael asks, "Then why am I here?' "That's a question we all need to find the answer to," Westmoreland says. I honestly hope that if I have a near-death experience, I get a spirit guide who doesn't amuse themselves by getting all trippy and metaphysical on me. Can I have Judge Judy? She seems like she's be straightforward. But so long as we're engaging in hallucinations, let's see what Mahone's staring at in Prison Break: 'Tis the Season...
And now... We see Tweener, Haywire and Abruzzi, still clad in their Fox River uniforms and accessorized by red velvet Santa hats. They begin singing:
ALL:
We three cons were killed by Mahone
Now we're naught but moldering bone
Or in flashback, to a soundtrack
When someone is feeling low.
Oh-oh
When the ratings need to rise
A regular meets their demise
Why should it matter
If it shatters
Viewer trust? Or makes them cry?
... and then Lang comes over to Mahone with a cup of hot cocoa and says sympathetically, "The holidays are hard, huh?" Mahone doesn't answer. He's staring at a silver bell on the Christmas tree.
Back in the real episode, we're getting to the point in Michael's surgery where it's time to start cutting out the tumor. To make sure that Michael's brains aren't being scrambled, one of the surgeons asks him to recite the alphabet. As Michael does, he sinks back into his hallucinatory state, and when he gets to I, it's... "I'm sorry, Charles." Westmoreland, who is still holding Marilyn (awwww!), asks, "For what?" Michael replies, "For everything. For all the lies I told. For all the pain I caused." Westmoreland asks if Michael wants forgiveness, and Michael broods about not being worthy of it. Westmoreland points out, "That's for a power higher than us to decide, isn't it?" Michael then grieves over what he perceives as the end of his quest. "It was all for nothing," he concludes, and as Westmoreland says, "It doesn't have to be..." we all turn around and see that Michael's once-empty cell wall is now filled with a collage that blends his original prison plan with the many improvisational schemes he's had to devise since then. Conveniently, many show regulars, past and present, have mugshots in there. Westmoreland says, "You have the answers, Michael." "What are the questions?" Michael responds. Westmoreland's all, "Not my call, college boy."
In another plotline, Lincoln and Sucre are racing to the pier to meet Gretchen, Self and the Scylla buyer. We zoom from Car of Idiots over to Pier of Pissy Partners. Self is all irritated because the buyer's not there yet, and then, after Gretchen tells him to check Vykin's PDA for an extra messages, Self gets irritated at how it broke after Vykin hit the ground. Well, dipwad, nobody asked you to shoot Vykin. As the two bicker over this, Rita calls Gretchen. Don tells her not to answer it, and whips out his gun to make the point, but Gretchen's like, "Go ahead."
Rita briefly recaps the events of the last episode from her perspective for Gretchen, effectively tipping her sister off to the One World Conspiracy's nabbing of T-Bag and subsequent knowledge of her whereabouts. Gretchen asks how Emily is, and Rita's like, "She's fine. Listen, you need to stay away from us. For everyone's sake." Emily then hops on to pipe, "Bye, Auntie," and Gretchen sort of falls apart at the sound of the click on the other end of the line. Fortunately, her well-honed survival instinct and her irritation at Don Self help pull the pieces together, and she manages to get it through Don's thick head that the One World Conspiracy is a-coming for them. Don looks shocked by this turn of events. What a meathead. I mean, really. He might as well be shrinkwrapped in plastic with a Safeway sticker on his forehead for all that he's London Broil from the neck up.
Anyhoodle, thanks to Rita's call, Sucre and Linc miss Gretchen and Self by a few moments. All that's left are a few shattered mobile phones to give evidence of the two having been there.
And now... Mahone is still staring at the Christmas tree bell. As he does, we go into a festively green-hued flashback of Mahone by his birdbath, and he begins singing:
MAHONE:
Oh, Oscar Shales
Dead Oscar Shales
They would incarcerate you.
Oh, Oscar Shales
Dead Oscar Shales
I had to terminate you.
You were a sick
And deviant guy
That's why it was
Best that you died.
Oh, Oscar Shales
Dead Oscar Shales
I still hallucinate you.
Michael's surgery continues. Dr. Sara rests her tired head against the windowsill for a moment, and when she straightens out again, General Von Baldy is standing right behind her. It is simultaneously very funny and very creepy. Von Baldy lies, "I didn't mean to startle you." Dr. Sara asks, "What are you doing here?' "Customer service. Quality control," he replies. I... I find myself warming to General Von Baldy. This show has gone too long without a magnificent bastard, and since we've lost Kellerman forever to the febrile humpings of Private Practice, I suppose we'll have to accept a substitute. General Von Baldy will do. In any event, General Von Baldy elegantly inserts a blade and twists with, "I admire your devotion, Sara. It's an attribute I prize above all others, but
I wonder, is it the cause you believe in, or the man. I mean, are you an ideologue or just a silly schoolgirl following the brooding boy who finally noticed her?" Dr. Sara snaps that she's the girl who's looking for the bastard responsible for killing her father. General Von Baldy is the soul of solicitousness as he asks, "Would you like me to make a few phone calls? See if I can point you in the right direction?" It's too bad he's not pointing directly at himself -- that would be delightful. Dr. Sara rolls her eyes. Then the two spar over whether or not Michael's actually receiving medical treatment or if the One World Conspiracy is wiring him to receive the new digital television signals being broadcast as of February 2009. General Von Baldy tells her, "I know your opinion of the work we do here, but know this: not everything is as it seems." Also, one other patient has had this procedure, and that one's lived a long and happy life.
As this is going on, Dream-Michael is puzzling over the collage on the wall. He tells Westmoreland, "It is the job of a structural engineer to make sure everything he creates is designed to withstand the weight placed upon it. What I built here" -- he gestures to the collage that represents his many theories and schemes -- "does not hold up." As Michael keeps ripping things, Westmoreland asks, "If you discovered that a structure you'd built was deficient, would you tear down the building or find a way to fix it?" Michael says, "I've tried to fix it. I've tried to make things right. All I've done is add more weight to it. And now... now, it can't take any more. All I wanted to do was save my brother's life." Westmoreland asks, "Did you do that?" Michael admits that he did, but he'd like to wallow in wondering how many other people died as a result. Westmoreland asks, "Knowing that now, would you have let [Linc] die? And that makes you feel like some kind of murderer?" Ah -- that's Michael's real hang-up. Westmoreland glibly comments that people who kill ten other people are serial killers, while people who kill thousands are war heroes. Michael protests that he's not at war -- he's merely trying to get the One World Conspiracy's little black book. Westmoreland tells him, "Not everything is as it seems. But you know that, don't you?" Michael looks back at his collage and we see that his labors were really a way of him rearranging the pieces so the word "Scylla" appears in cut-out in the middle of it all. Oooh, it's all symbolic.
Leaving the Black Lodge for a moment, let's see what Gretchen and Self are up to. They're visiting a bodega, where they buy a few mobile phones, and Gretchen decides to find out how dumb Don really is. Answer: if dumb were a national resource, Don would be a one-man OPEC, he's sitting on that much raw reserve. Don shrugs that so far as he's concerned, knowledge or information isn't power; money is, so he couldn't give a rip over what's on Scylla -- just what it goes for.
Linc and Sucre are still trying to run down Gretchen and Self, and he can use the One World Conspiracy to help him out. The secretary at the front office calls Linc to tell him of Gretchen and Self's recent visit to a convenience store. Yippee for the all-reaching tentacles of evil!
Back on Prison Broke for the Holidays... The lights dim, then come up on Whistler playing a baby grand. Gretchen is draped over the lid of the piano, clad in a slinky red number with white fur at the neckline. She begins singing:
GRETCHEN:
Santa, baby
Put an Uzi under the tree, for me
Been a mercenary
Santa, baby
You're if you want to live tonight.
Whistler gives her a look and mimes shooting himself in the head as Gretchen prepares to go into her second verse. She mouths, "That can be arranged," and resumes:
GRETCHEN:
Think of all the sordid thrills
All the people I've ordered killed
year could be lethal, too
If you fail to deliver.
Listen, fatso
I'm holding the reindeer and the elves, themselves
One an hour, I'll shoot
Santa, baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
The number degenerates as Whistler and Gretchen begin hotly debating if that's really the best way to get Saint Nick to fulfill the One World Conspiracy's holiday wishlist, and the lights go off abruptly.
Linc and Sucre are inside a nearby convenience store, and Linc has remembered how Gretchen and Self left the pieces of their mobile phones behind. Linc tries asking the counter clerk nicely if anyone's bought a burner recently, but when the clerk goes closed-lipped, Lincoln has to get a little smashy with him. This produces a receipt, which can then be tied to things like credit card numbers or other useful data.
Gretchen and Self pull up to the deserted Team Scylla HQ, and Gretchen handily exposits that the buyer's a mysterious figure: "Whoever gets the information on Scylla will go out of their way to stay below the [One World Conspiracy] radar. Besides, would you screw some guy's wife, then leave your card on his pillow?" Knowing Don Self and his lethal lack of couth, I wouldn't put it past him. Oh, wait -- Don basically accuses Gretchen of doing so, and smirks about how Gretchen wanted General Von Baldy to know she was involved -- "Come on. He punished you, he treated you like crap, just like your real daddy. You wanted at least one of them to pay for it, right?" Gretchen deadpans, "Gee, Don, you just cracked my whole Electra complex wide open. Kudos. But you're not the only one who did their homework, just so you know." Don Self is like, "Would you care to exposit for those of us following along at home?" and Gretchen's like, "Not until such point as it becomes relevant in a future plotline. Suck it, viewers! You'll take the shady allegations of deep, dark secrets and you'll like it!"
Back at St. Conspiracy, Dr. Sara is consulting with one of the surgeons, if by "consulting," you mean "asking the doctors, 'is it just me, or is that tumor the size of Delaware? How is it possible he has any room for brains with that thing in there?'" The doctor more or less replies, "I know! It's huge, right?" Dr. Sara says, "Okay... will there be any memory loss?" The doctor blithely replies, "It hardly ever affects what's referred to as 'net memory.' We're all tapped into such small portions of what we've experienced in our lifetime. The bulk of it's just kept in storage, rarely acknowledged by the conscious mind. So while there may be some gross memory loss, he'll never know it was gone -- because he'll never know it was there." This does not comfort Dr. Sara.
Meanwhile, inside the wine-dark mind of Michael Scofield, the dream Michael is puzzling over the collage, looking for a message. Somewhere. The word "power" gets spotlight treatment, as does the periodic table of elements, but before Michael can think any further, he's jolted. Back in O.R., he jumps a little, and all the doctors respond with alacrity.
As the doctors work on Michael, he retreats back into his lucid dreaming, and the word "bargain" gets echoed over and over again. We see Michael reliving flashbacks through prior episodes, then writing "BARGAIN" on top of the collage. As Michael effectively relives all of Season Four in fast-forward, the doctors note with alarm that his "brain activity is all over the place." Michael keeps dwelling on "as long as we have Scylla, we have power." Then Michael inexplicably flashes to Dr. Sara's torture at Kellerman's hands, then to the Season One credits. I give the editing department kudos for re-using old footage. Anyway, the montage eventually comes to a close, the jail cell opens up, and Westmoreland materializes to say, "I'm sorry, Michael."
The moment Westmoreland apologizes like that, the doctors are all, "We're losing him." They begin working on him. Dream-Michael asks Westmoreland what's going on, and Westmoreland tells him, "It's time to go." Michael flatlines -- prompting Dr. Sara to burst in and administer some wildly unsanitary treatment of her own, i.e. pounding on Michael's chest and insisting, "We are not finished with this yet." Dream-Michael echoes her words to Westmoreland: "I'm not finished yet." Westmoreland insists that it's time. As Dr. Sara whispers, "Not like this," Dream-Michael begs Westmoreland, "Not like this." Westmoreland says, "It's okay. You've done your part." Dream-Michael pounds his fists on the collage and shouts, "I haven't figured it out yet!" Westmoreland slowly tells Dream-Michael he has. Back in the OR, Dr. Sara shouts at nobody in particular, "Would you do something?" Dream-Michael shouts up at the ceiling, "I'm trying!" The doctors inject him with something in a hand-labeled bottle. Westmoreland tells Dream-Michael to relax: "You might think it's bad, but it's not." Dream-Michael leans against the collage and asks, "Dying?" Westmoreland replies, "No!" Dream-Michael resumes looking at the collage -- specifically at the big demon-head drawing in the middle of it. Westmoreland watches as Dream-Michael draws boxes around the letters in "bargain" so it reads "b" "ar" "ga" "in." This wears him out. Westmoreland intones, "Not everything is as it seems. Goodbye, Michael." And then Michael comes back. 'Tis a miracle! Or the fact that he's the lead on this show. Take your pick.
And now, Gretchen attempts to get through the tongue twister "she sells Scylla with Self by the seashore" without getting killed. First step: getting through the transaction without Don Self shooting off either his mouth or his gun. This proves to be tricky, as the Scylla buyer opens up a briefcase full of technology and Don instantly assumes the worst. Gretchen eventually has to use her I-am-not-kidding voice on the meathead to get him to hand over Scylla for validation.
Fortunately, Self's shenanigans have given Linc and Sucre time to show up, so they're able to sneak around the warehouse until they notice the buyer, Gretchen and Self all looking at folders reading "Nuclear," "Fuel," "Wind," "Solar," "Bargain," "Water" and "Medical." Don states the obvious: "That doesn't look like a little black book. That's --"
Alas, the meathead's conclusion is lost to posterity, because that's when Linc and Sucre show up. And that's also when the Scylla buyer whips out his piece and, with a "I'm sure you can understand no one can know where Scylla's going," also begins shooting. There's a brief, bullet-filled melee, but only Don gets hit. Sadly, it is not a fatal wound. The buyer gets away. Gretchen has Sucre straight in her sights, but as she realizes her clip is empty, she says, "It's your lucky day, Sugar." I like her more with every episode. And then, Linc has a gun to her head, and he says, "Not yours." Within moments, Gretchen's disarmed and Lincoln's kicking Don Self, partly in revenge and partly in pique that some Titus Welliver look-alike has absconded with Scylla. So -- let's all lighten the mood with a little holiday special!
On A Very Prison Breaky Yule...Everyone's gathered around the piano finishing "Deck the Halls" when there's a knock on the door. Lincoln answers it, and in walks Sucre. He's wearing a tiny sombrero and a red-and-green striped serape.
SUCRE:
This demeans all of us.
MICHAEL:
I know. But it's part of my holiday plan. Sucre...
SUCRE:
Fine. Hola, mis amigos. Here is a song that my family customarily sings around the holidays:
Feliz navidad
Feliz navidad
Feliz navidad
Now point me toward a nice big glass of booze.
MICHAEL:
Fernando!
SUCRE:
Feliz navidad
Feliz navidad
Feliz navidad
Or you can point right at Maricruz.
MICHAEL:
Come on!
SUCRE:
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, but I sort of hate this so-on-ong.
Lincoln grunts menancingly from over by the eggnog-filled punch bowl. Seeing this, Sucre hastily sings...
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, but I sort of hate this so-on-ong.
We finish with Sucre throwing the sombrero on the floor, and announcing he most certainly will not be performing a hat dance.
Back in the real episode... Michael's out of surgery and in recovery now; Dr. Sara is sitting beside him, but has slumped to his chest while sleeping. She wakes up and notices the bottle on a table beside him, labeled "Series 022-7, Lot 9-1." Raise your hands, everyone who thinks the One World Conspiracy is killing a few birds with one stone by testing some sketchy drug on Michael. Dr. Sara drops the bottle so the other doctors don't see her poking around, and then Michael wakes up. First words out of his mouth: "You look beautiful." That's it: all other TV boyfriends can go home now. Scofield coming out of surgery and immediately complimenting his girlfriend is clearly best in show. Dr. Sara gently tells Michael that the drugs must have addled his brain, but Michael's all, "So please fill me in on where I am and what happened?" and Dr. Sara breaks the news on how Michael's medical insurance is now covered by the One World Conspiracy. "Well, at least they're not an HMO," he says. Kidding! "At least it's not Cardinal Health," he says. Kidding again! Michael's not terribly interested in assailing the companies that have turned American health care into a monstrous boondoggle.
He wants to talk about his brain's baroque imaginings: "You're going to laugh, but I had a dream about Scylla. The only thing we really know about it is what Self told us. What if it's not just the One World Conspiracy's little black book, what if it's... something more... something good. Why go to so much trouble to protect information about the past, information the One World Conspiracy could just delete at any time they wanted to? The General said 'As long as we have Scylla, we have power.' I don't think he was talking about power like control or influence. I think he was talking about energy." Michael then breaks down "BARGAIN" for Dr. Sara: "Boron, argon, gallium, indium. There's a theory that if you can find a way to combine these elements, in the design of a solar cell, you can harness 100% of the sun's energy. With that kind of power, the possibilities are limitless." Dr. Sara figures, "They're not protecting the past, they're protecting the future. Wow. I wonder what else is on it -- I mean, the equipment and the drugs you were treated with, none of it exists on the open market." Michael dryly points out, "Which would explain why some people are willing to pay hundreds of millions to get their hands on Scylla. It's not about taking down the One World Conspiracy, it's about becoming the One World Conspiracy." Dr. Sara sighs, "What do we do now?" and Michael gives her a look like, "I just got out of brain surgery -- don't you think I should give my noggin at least a week's rest before hatching my big plan?"
We cut to Lincoln and Sucre parking in front of One World Conspiracy HQ; Linc wants to visit with his brother. Sucre wants to know what's , asking, "Scylla's out there somewhere. Are we really going to keep chasing it?" Sucre, the entire viewership would like to know the answer to that question. Linc mumbles that he'll figure it out later, but Sucre says, "I won't be here later. I can't do it anymore. Sara said Michael was okay, and that's all I needed to know. Now I've got to live my own life. And that's a life where I can go a day without seeing a dead body or almost becoming one. I'm not running away, papi. I'm just moving on." And then... he's gone. Who is this pod person, and what has he done with Sucre? The Fernando Sucre we know and love -- car thief, reluctant Las Vegas gigolo, devoted papi -- would not just crap out on Team Scylla like this. I blame the One World Conspiracy. They are somehow responsible.
Linc then has to deliver the bad news regarding Scylla's disappearance. Shrewdly, he tells the pissed-off General Von Baldy that Gretchen and Self are sure to know who the new owners of Scylla are. General Von Baldy spits, "Good. Then you've got your team." Linc protests that he's not working with them, and Von Baldy snarls, "You will work with a basset hound in a birthday hat if I tell you to, that's what being an employee means." Linc, he doesn't lie. Many corporate gigs have you working for the intellectual equivalent of a basset hound in a birthday hat, so if the general wants you to work with the real thing, jump on it. It may actually drool less than the typical wage slave. The general then channels his inner Stern Dad with, "You all took something from me and you're all going to get it back!" Linc is like, Fine. I get it. Don't ground me. Sensing defeat, the general can afford to be magnanimous again: "Who knows? You may find you like it here. Stranger things have happened. They've certainly happened in your family. Now, about Michael: are you going to tell him or should I?" We don't find out how Lincoln decided to answer.
We quickly flash to the Scylla buyer telling a woman over the phone that he's got Scylla. Whatever -- it's but fodder for the episode.
Then it's back to Michael's sickbed. He's sitting up and looking bored, but then Lincoln comes in. The older brother hides a thick dossier behind his back before commenting that the last time he saw Michael in a hospital was when Michael had broken his arm playing little league baseball. Michael comments, "Yeah. Some bruiser knocked me down sliding in to second." "Sorry about that," Linc says without an ounce of repentance. Michael's all, "So! Time to escape, yes? Tell me the plan." Lincoln then has to break the news: "You're not getting out of here, Michael. I made a deal -- your life in exchange for Scylla." Michael stops for a moment, and you can practically see him sorting through responses like "Are you nuts?" to "So do you enjoy undoing all my hard work?" before he finally settles on "Why would you do that?" Linc replies, "For the same reason you covered your body in tattoos and broke into Fox River." Michael protests that "This isn't about us, Linc," but Linc has news for him: "This is exactly what it's about. This is all it's ever been about. We do this one thing for the [One World Conspiracy] and we're done for life." Michael doesn't believe that, but Linc points out that the alleged good guys don't have a record of being terribly trustworthy either. Then Michael makes the tactical error of trying an intellectual appeal: "Scylla's not what we thought it was." Lincoln doesn't care for any college-boy fancy thoughts. He protests, "The only thing worth fighting for is family. I am going to do everything and anything I can to end this, so you, me and everyone can get on with their lives." Michael sets to more sneering, but Linc drops the episode's big bomb: "Mom worked for [the One World Conspiracy] before she died. I'm just moving on in the family business." Michael gets up and shouts Linc's name a few times, but Linc's out the door. We're left with Michael impotently giving the Blue Steel to an empty room. And honestly, that's a downer ending, so let's just return to A Prison Break Holiday Fest, shall we...?
We go to everyone clad in matching red-and-green sweaters knitted with white reindeer. Everyone except Sucre, that is; he's still in the serape, and still glowering. However, a festive string section begins playing, and we get this:
ALL EXCEPT LINC:
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a Happy New Year!
LINC:
Linc wish you Merry Christmas!
Linc wish you Merry Christmas!
Linc wish you Merry Christmas!
And SMASH in New Year!
Fake snow begins falling, and Michael's scowl at Linc turns into a scowl at Dr. Sara and Sucre as both happen to notice he's standing right under the mistletoe. Dressed as Santa Claus, General Von Baldy strides forth and wishes us all a Merry Christmas, adding ominously, "Enjoy it while you can."
And on that note: Happy holidays! We ought to enjoy them before we get all outraged at the show's "fall finale."
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