In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
The things I do for you people. The Miss America pageant was on tonight, and I have a longstanding tradition to tie one on and heckle the proceedings. But could I do that tonight? NO. Because silly CMT moved the pageant from Saturday -- as would have been meet and proper, because then I would have still had the rest of the weekend to recover from the effects of the pageant -- to Monday. Now I have to TiVo the pageant's re-showing and hold my pageant party a day later.
Okay, so the Car of Comedy Gold manages to hijack a local news crew's camera (and a hostage -- always thinking, that Kellerman) and then they make a recording that more or less hips the entire country to what's been going on for the past 35 episodes -- only, because Kellerman is an evil genius, they make sure their body language makes it seem like they're lying. Kellerman calculates that this will send the FBI on a number of wild goose chases. (Sigh. He's so dreamy! So evil and dreamy!) Unfortunately, Mahone quickly figures this out, and he figures out that the boys are looking for the good doctor Tancredi.
They find her -- or, to be more accurate, she finds them, thanks to the message Michael cleverly hid in his televised apology to her. She and Michael have a phone reunion (no heavy breathing, alas) and plan to meet up. And while that is going on, Madame President Evil and Kellerman have a phone reunion. So we're all left with the impression that Kellerman's going to go running back to his ladylove on her say-so, because love has made him blind to the possibility that maybe Madame President Evil is trying to draw him out on the One World Conspiracy's orders.
In subplot news:
* Forget Sucre -- the man's new name is Juan Valjean. Because, seriously, his entire subplot is out of Les Miserables. He steals a kindly old man's car, and when he's apprehended by the police, the old man's all, "Actually, officer, I forgot to give him gas money."
* It turns out Haywire has some parental-abuse issues. When the teen he buys beer for expresses a passing interest in his welfare, he soon learns that she's abused. This incites him, so he stalks her back to her place, then busts in and beats her dad to death.
* Bellick is still learning about the boomeranging effects of karma. After an inmate informs him that the prisoners have made it their goal to make sure he stays alive long enough to suffer through many crunchy beatings, Bellick begins scheming for a way to escape. Trying to sex up Nurse Gossipson doesn't work, but Mahone's sudden appearance just might.
Oh, and if any of you spoil the pageant for me, I will go all T-Bag on you. And believe you me, nobody wants to see me with a bad dye job and bionic limbs. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We start the episode with a FOX "News" special bulletin. I can only imagine what the news will be. Dinesh D'Souza got a hunting permit for the editorial board of the New York Times? A Democratic majority in congress causes cancer?
Noooo... it's cross-channel synergy in action, wherein a "real" "news" organization lends credibility -- or is that "credibility"? -- to this week's episode by informing viewers that Lincoln, Michael and Kellerman shot their way out of the Cutback Motel in beautiful downtown Cutback, Montana. Oh, then they had time to sit down and make a video about their experiences.
We go to a shot of Linc introducing himself and insisting that he's innocent. Then the screen goes staticky and we see a caption reading, "Six hours earlier ... "
Six hours earlier, Terrence Steadman had taken hotel redecorating into his own hands, and decided to paint the wall with the contents of his head. Lincoln says drearily, "We're done." Kellerman springs into action, striding around and saying, "There's no other way out of here. time you decide to hold a press conference in a hotel room, make sure there's a back door." Michael can only reply feebly, "You think?" Heh.
We then hear a cop instruct Michael and Lincoln to exit with their hands in the air. From our respective couches, the husband and I chant "like you just don't care." The news crews are all standing around. The police instruct, via bullhorn, "Exit with your hands up." Kellerman rolls his eyes at the boys. Lincoln points to Steadman's body and asks, "What about him?" "What about him? He's useless," Kellerman says. Lincoln points out that there's a dead body and his fingerprints are everywhere. Kellerman asks incredulously, "Are you worried that someone's going to pin a murder on you?" Linc does not snap back, "It wouldn't be the first time!"
Anyway, Kellerman sticks his ID badge out the door and yells, "FBI! Hold your fire! I have Burrows and Scofield in custody and we're coming out. Hold your fire!" The news crew swivels over. Kellerman comes out; the boys have made like they're cuffed. The police officer comes over and asks Kellerman for his I.D. Kellerman says, "Federal Bureau of Investigation. We're going to Billings." The officer insists, "Let me see that I.D. again." That's when Linc and Michael decide to show him that they're not really cuffed. In the time it takes me to type this sentence, there's a brief scuffle and Kellerman's come out of it with his very own hostage. Michael hollers, "I want keys to both of the cop cars now." The news reporter shouts for the cop not to do it, and Michael shouts at the cop, "Don't listen to her! Get the keys!" And wow, is it hot when he's like that. Forget the Blue Steel and the whispering: Screamy Scofield is where it's at.
Linc gets behind the wheel, Michael continues to shout until the reporter hands over the keys, and Kellerman continues to threaten to shoot his new hostage in the head. The boys get in the car with their new road trip buddy -- a cameraman, who is surely rethinking his professional relationship with the reporter who was all, "Negotiate with the escaped cons? Noooo." Anyway, the boys speed off. There is no small talk made in the car.
We then go to the FBI field offices in Chicago. Mahone walks through the door. Wow, how did he get from his son's hospital in Colorado to... oh. Mahone, you chump. Anyway, he walks through the door, seemingly none the worse for wear, and Lang welcomes him back. When Agent Wheeler gets off the phone, he tells Mahone that "One of the C.O.s from Fox River, Brad Bellick, got locked up last night for the murder of another guard." Last night? Haven't we already seen Bellick spend at least one night at Fox River? Didn't last week's episode end with Bellick heading into at least his second night? Wheeler also catches Mahone up on C-Note's plotline, but whatever. Wheeler's phone rings again, and right as Lang tries to pass the call discreetly, Mahone snatches the phone, then hears something that makes him ask, "How long ago?" Behind his back, Lang and Wheeler exchange conspiratorial glances.
We then cut to the Car of Comedy Gold rolling along. Kellerman tells the cameraman, "I'll make you a deal: You don't move a muscle, I don't blow your head off." Michael assures Greg the cameraman that nobody's going to hurt him. We then get a little radio news telling us that Madame President Evil is busy shoring up the political faithful in Denver, Colorado. Michael looks all thoughtful. He orders Linc to pull over. Naturally, he declines to give a reason why they should.
Lincoln finds a conveniently abandoned building. The brothers get out, leaving Kellerman with his new friend. Lincoln asks if they're going to drop off the cameraman. Michael says, "Later." Linc adds, "We should get rid of Kellerman too. We don't need him." Lies! Lies! We all need Kellerman. Michael settles for saying, "Actually, we do [need Kellerman]. We still have assets. It's just a question of how we use them."
And... commercials. Aww, bears! I like bears. Unfortunately, it does not appear that Farmer's Insurance does.
When we come back, it's to the bright glare of an examination light in the Fox River infirmary. We faintly hear someone calling, "Braaaaaadley," and we see that Bellick has been worked over quite thoroughly. The tenderized ex-guard is slowly coming to. He calls out, "Nurse?" Not quite. It's another con, who says with bitter satisfaction, "Those are some pretty shiners you got. It must remind you of all the times you walked around here in your fancy outfit, turning a blind eye to all you saw that was wrong. 'Me? I didn't see nothing?' How's that blind eye feel now?" Bellick snarls back. The inmate continues, "Get used to it. I hear ol' one-eyed Jack's going to be getting screwed in the socket." Bellick replies, "Over my dead body." The inmate says coldly, "Nah. A dead man can't feel a beat-down, and you got a lot more coming your way." A ghost of a grin plays on his features, and the only thing that stops the stare-down is Nurse Gossipson coming along and ushering the inmate out.
We then go back to the abandoned building, where Greg is watching the Car of Comedy Gold confer in the distance. We finally zoom in on what they're talking about -- Michael says, "It'll take the Feds a while to figure that out." Linc says, "It's going to be tight." Michael adds, "450 miles in 6 hours -- what do you think?" I think they won't be making a lot of bathroom breaks, but it's doable. Kellerman instructs the hostage, "Eyes front." He tosses Michael a canvas and Michael says, "It's perfect," and oh, COME ON. We all know Greg's not getting killed today. Enough with the fake suspense.
Welcome to this week's Plotline-In-A-Paragraph! This week's winner of the pithy summation: Sucre. He's on a brightly colored bus; the caption text tells us he's in Sinaloa state, Mexico, on highway 15. Inside the bus, plenty of folks are eating tamales or sitting with chickens on their laps. A bemused old man tries to make small talk with Sucre, which is how we find out Sucre's roughly a thousand miles from Ixtapa. We also find out that Sucre will talk about Maricruz with anyone within earshot. Then Sucre gets kicked off the bus, and his chicken-toting friend invites him to dinner: "If you cook, I'll give you a place to stay for the night." We have a cozy chicken dinner, wherein we learn that Sucre's new dinner companion is an extremely recent widower. Sucre is touched by this, and asks what the secret to the 42-year marriage was. The old man declines to share. The conversation gets around to Sucre, who says he's running toward something, and the old man says ruefully, "A man who lives on hope." Sucre says, "You say that like it's a bad thing." To the old man, it is: "Hope is for people who do not already live in grace." Despite this, he offers the strapped Sucre a bed for the night. Sucre thanks him, but keeps one eye on the car keys. Seconds later, he's rolling the car out of the driveway. And then Sucre is apprehended while driving the stolen car. There's a tense little scene where his dinner partner is busy talking to the cops, who explain that they pulled Sucre over because "we recognized your car -- but not him." The old man nods and says, "I see. I'm glad you brought him back." Sucre looks down, thinking his proverbial goose (or chicken, in this case) is about to be cooked. Then the old man adds, "I didn't get a chance to give him gas money." Or that second silver candlestick? Is that coming too? Sucre is struck dumb by this. When the cops take off, it's just Sucre and the old man. Before Sucre can stammer his gratitude or anything, the other man makes a cursory gesture, then says gruffly, "Find your girl. Then find grace."
Moving on... we're in Algoma, Wisconsin, where Haywire is foraging for himself and his little dog friend Barnabas. (By the way, Barnabas is dubbed "Larry" here, but since he had no name last time, Barnabas he was and Barnabas he shall remain.) As Haywire's pulling out a large wooden crate, two teens approach him and ask him to buy some beer for them. Haywire takes the $20 and asks, "Can I get some food for my dog, too?" (Aww.) The boy, who is a little wigged by the crazy dude in the dumpster, is all, "Do whatever it is you gotta do. You can even keep a beer for yourself." Haywire says sadly, "Oh, no. My dad used to drink."
Hey, look who's back in a newsroom! It's young Greg the hostage. He has a faint smile on his face. He runs into his reporter colleague and whips out a cassette, saying, "You're going to want to see this." Visions of "Live and exclusive!" dancing in her head, she takes the tape.
Back in FBI headquarters, Mahone is staring at a map. There's some blah-blah that doesn't have any bearing on the episode, and then the entire office shuts down to listen to the Lincoln Burrows tapes. I guess we've jumped forward six hours again? Anyway, here's the tape:
Linc: "My name's Lincoln Burrows, and I'm innocent. I escaped Fox River penitentiary because I was sentenced to death for a crime I did not commit. I did not murder Terrence Steadman. He committed suicide last night in the Cutback Motel, 30 miles outside his home in Blackfoot, Montana."
Michael: "He killed himself out of fear, fear of the people who have been hiding him for the past three years -- the same people who want my brother dead. They don't want you to know who they are, but know this: they've stolen billions of dollars and murdered dozens of innocent people. And yet they plaster our faces on the news and tell you to be afraid."
Linc: "They are a group of multinational corporate interests. Together, they're known as 'the Company.'"
Michael: "They are working with the highest levels of government, including the president of the United States."
And then he repeats the business about " billions of dollars and murdered dozens of innocent people," which means that Michael is either really het up about this or the continuity people were facing a thorny tangle because this is going on in the background while Kim freaks out and orders, "Damage control immediately, before this sees page one." His flunky says, "It's already airing, sir --" and Kim begins screaming, "Start a wildfire in Florida! Find a storage unit full of Arabs! I do not care as long as it's not about Lincoln Burrows!" We zone back in on Michael who's saying something about, "... impunity, under the cover of the Secret Service, the very people sworn to protect and serve." One more shot of Agent Kim -- who looks unthrilled at the prospect of either protecting or serving -- then we're at commercials.
Commercials. That AXE body spray commercial with the waves and waves of women converging on the tool with the aerosol can reminds me of the death-sentence scene in Monty Python's the Meaning of Life.
When we get back, the FBI is still listening intently to Michael. He's saying, "Much blame has been placed on another innocent person -- Dr. Sara Tancredi." Mahone asks impatiently, "Do we know how long the videotape lasts?" Lang tells him, "Twenty-six minutes, beginning to end. It's all online." And man, it's too bad it's not on the Fox website, because that would be an awesome way to extend the show's premise. In any event, Mahone listens as Michael says, "I can't ask you for another chance. I can only hope that by now, you've found your safe haven." Then Michael goes unintelligible as Mahone orders someone to start a transcript, then starts up again at, "I've put you in a place that's every doctor's nightmare." The MCAT exam room, only this time she hasn't studied and she's not wearing any pants? How did Michael do that?
Anyway, Mahone's still telling people to call this and do that, but that grinds to a halt as Michael says, "One man, special agent Alexander Mahone, is responsible for multiple deaths. He murdered not only John Abruzzi and David Apolskis (yo), but also the last fugitive he was assigned to chase, a man named Oscar Shales." Wheeler and Lang's heads swivel over to check out Mahone, who is all, "How's my poker face holding up? It's not at all suspicious that I'm not reacting to this at all, is it?" Mahone eventually makes a bemused face and says, "Guy's nuts." Everyone in the office backs away from him anyway.
Out in Wisconsin, Haywire's delivering beer to the kids. He goes to walk off with his crate, when the girl (Sasha) asks what the wood's for. ["The girl, by the way, is played by Kaley Cuoco, a.k.a. Charmed's very own Retarded Bimbo. Poor Demian got the shakes Monday night and he doesn't even know why." -- Joe R] Haywire replies that he's building a raft, and he'll need more wood before he can make it to Holland. Then he invites the kids to come see his raft. Since these kids have no self-preservation instincts to speak of, they're all for that.
Cut to Sasha asking skeptically, "You're going to try to get from here to Holland in that?" Her boyfriend adds snidely, "Yeah, good luck, Gilligan." He wants to head out and drink beer, but Sasha's intrigued. As Haywire shows her his safety flag (not a euphemism), she asks, "How are you going to know where you're going? Do you have, like, a map or anything?" Sure, he does. Haywire unfurls his purloined painting. Sasha says carefully, "That's your map?" Haywire nods. Sasha tells him, "I really hope you make it. You know, every morning I wake up and wonder what it would be like to just disappear. And you're just going to do it. I think it's great." Haywire is completely at a loss as to how to deal with this display of compassion.
As Sasha goes to open her beer, Haywire notices the ring of bruises around her wrist. Faster than you can type "Sasha's an abused kid," we learn that... well, her dad drinks too. Matt the boyfriend comes back, and there's a little scuffle in liberating Sasha from her concerned new friend. The scene ends with Haywire making the certifiably-crazy face at Sasha and Matt, so we know we'll be seeing more of him.
Then we see Bellick making the oozing-wound face. More credit to Wade Williams -- even under layers of latex and corn syrup, you can see the miserable yearning in his eyes as he looks out the infirmary window. Bellick eyes the frayed cables (from the breakout) and puts his icepack back up on his face. Nurse Gossipson comes back in with the news that Bellick's about to be released back to GenPop. Guess that new, upstanding, by-the-book warden really doesn't care that his vindictive night staff is opening doors and letting the convicts beat the crap out of each other, huh? Bellick desperately tries to flirt with Nurse Gossipson, but apparently there is only one inmate-medical professional romance per annum at Fox River. Oh, it's just so awkward. And then poor Bellick is reduced to begging for one more night in the clinic. When he also pushes for Nurse Gossipson to leave the door unlocked, she stalks out in disgust.
We cut to Greg the camera guy -- who still hasn't showered, the poor thing -- talking to some random FBI agent about the experience of being held hostage by Kellerman. He makes it sound a loss less dreamy than you might suppose. The upshot to the scene: the FBI now has an idea that the Car of Comedy Gold will be driving 450 miles in six hours toward an as-yet-unnamed destination.
Cut to Mahone drawing a circle on the map to determine the radius. He does a hilarious double-take as he notices Wheeler standing behind him. Like right behind him. Like, if the two of them were to be turned toward the camera and wearing boutonnières, they'd be in the classic "homecoming dance" photo pose so many of us remember from high school. Wheeler begins the word problem ("Seventy-five miles per hour, stopping for gas ... ") as Mahone picks up the phone. Oooh, I hope it's Pam asking where he is. Oh, it's the second-best thing: Kim testily asking, "Where are they?" Well, if you'd get your narrow ass out of the office, maybe you could find them, KIM.
Kim is visibly sweating as he says, "This can't happen fast enough. They've already done irreparable damage." Mahone throws him a bone: the storage facility where the brothers' Slamdance entry was shot is somewhere around Helena, and from there, the guys are planning on heading to someplace another 450 miles away. Mahone adds, "There's Seattle, Portland, Salt Lake, Denver ... " and instead of saying, "Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be in Colorado?" Mahone waits for Kim to tell him that Madame President Evil is going to be speaking in the Mile High City that day. Mahone concludes, "They're going after the President."
Well, if they are, theyâre doing it after the commercial break. Hey, everybody, it's Oscar nominee Eddie Murphy in a fat suit! This is sort of like how, after Jamie Foxx won his Oscar, the film he was in was the one with the evil airplane.
When we get back, the boys are lurking under a highway overpass. A radio announcer cheerily lets us know that Kim's minions have come through: "The terror threat level has been raised to orange after a storage unit rented by several Arab-Americans was suddenly seized." Lincoln fumes, "They buried it. They dumped it off the front page and buried it." Kellerman calmly replies, "It's what they do." Michael is fully confident that an Internet full of cranks and conspiracy theorists will chew on all the red meat he and Lincoln have just tossed them.
And now, Lincoln decides to brood about something else, telling Michael, "This is a Hail Mary, man. If we don't get to her... " "Getting to her is the easy part. It's what we do after that's the problem," Michael replies. Do you like how the boys are only speaking in pronouns so we're not sure who her is?
Back in FBI headquarters, Lang is saying she'll notify the White House to cancel the President's appearance. Mahone shoots that down, noting, "If there's any change to her itinerary, the brothers will know something's up, and they'll go right back into hiding." Wheeler protests, "We found them before, we can find them again." Mahone snaps, "These are not pets, Agent Wheeler!" Wheeler dryly replies, "Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty clear on that." Heh. He then points out that using the commander-in-chief as bait could be tricky, and Mahone huffs, "Do you have a problem with the way I do things?" As a matter of fact, Wheeler does. As, apparently, does the rest of the FBI -- Internal Affairs is now keeping a very close eye on Mahone. During this whole conversation, Lang is all, "Hey, how come I have never noticed that the wall immediately behind Alex's head is so fascinating? And have you ever looked at the floor in here? I mean, really looked at the floor in here?" Mahone stalks over to Wheeler, takes off his glasses, and says slowly, "Then get a pen and make sure you get this word-for-word: the President's day does not change. The only lead we have is that we know where these men are headed. So we're going to keep quiet about this, and let 'em come. Now get out of my office." Wheeler does. Lang returns from her out-of-body experience and tells Mahone, "They're two of the most recognizable faces in America. How do they think they're going to get anywhere near the President?" Mahone credits the magical superpowers that Kellerman brings to the team. Only not in so many words.
Then we go to Kim, who has calmed down considerably since setting up a bunch of innocent Arab-Americans for a one-way ticket to Gitmo. He's recommending to the bald, mute guy that perhaps it might be time to bring Madame President Evil into the damage control on this. Kim argues, "It is her ass on the line, sir. And I think she's been known to get her hands dirty when her ass gets too close. Maybe we should let her know just how close it is."
Mahone and Lang are now analyzing The Lincoln and Michael Show with some body language expert. Sadly, they are not using the broad that Us and InTouch use every time they want to analyze the state of some celebrity's mental health. Although every word coming out of the boys' mouths is gospel truth, their body language reveals them to be lying liars who lie.
We then flash back to the abandoned warehouse, where Kellerman is conferring with the boys. He's telling Lincoln, "It plays too earnest." Linc replies, "Of course it will -- it's the truth." Kellerman replies, "The truth sends them home to their wives and kids. Lies will keep them busy." Linc protests, "I'm not going to lie to the whole country! It's our one chance to --" "Say whatever you want. Tell them you're the Green Lantern, but I know how they break down these tapes. I've done it. Every detail matters. Bin Laden crosses his legs right over left, it does something completely different than left over right," Kellerman says. "It's not the same message," Michael says. "To them, it is," says the evil genius who figures he can always use the body language to discredit Michael and Linc later, if necessary. He presses, "If you want this plan to work, you say one thing with your mouths, then say something different with your body and your eyes."
Back in the present, the Fibbies are still watching the tape of the brothers. Mahone notices that Michael happens to be tapping out Morse code on his knee as he speaks. The body language guy says, "We've got a phrase, 'the water is warm.' Does that mean anything?" We flash to Linc asking Michael the same question, and Michael smirks as he replies, "Nothing. But it'll take the feds a while to figure that out." In the FBI office, everyone's brainstorming what it could possibly mean, but Mahone remembers that he's Michael's Mind Mate and blurts out, "It doesn't mean anything! He's traveling with an ex-Secret Service guy. And they're spoon-feeding us everything they want us to follow... they had to know the tape would be discredited. They had to know that we'd talk to the cameraman. They're something else going on... "
Conveniently enough, the tape reels back around to Michael's mention of Dr. Sara, and then we head over to the Jewell Glore Library in Kansas City, Missouri, where Dr. Sara is watching the video repeatedly on a really nice computer. See what happens when you get a sassy new 'do? Libraries give you their best equipment. I need to go try that. As Dr. Sara watches the tape over and over, she gets a brainstorm and starts flipping through a big book in front of her.
Mahone is still watching the tape, despite the clucking of all the experts around him. After listening to Michael's apology a few times, he asks, "His voice -- would you say he sounds sincere when he's talking to her, as opposed when he's talking about their crimes?" The body language guy stammers, "I guess you could say that." Mahone snaps back, "I did say that. Would you say that?" Why, yes, he would. Mahone begins chuckling. He tells Lang, "This isn't about Terrence Steadman and it's not about their innocence. They're not going after the President; they're going after the doctor." Then Mahone begins shouting for everything they have on Dr. Sara.
They'll get to collect it all during the commercials. I am so relieved that Carl's Jr. has dropped any and all Paris Hilton-related commercials.
Cut to Agent Lang giving Agent Wheeler the 411 on Dr. Sara: mom dead, father very recently deceased, she's not a big email correspondent, she only buys groceries and the occasional solo movie ticket. Oh, and she's mostly celibate. (Honestly, I can see where working near Bellick all day could put a girl off her game.) Lang says, "To tell you the truth, I'd say the bulk of her life was her work." Mahone steps in before Wheeler can get quippy. He silently takes the file from Lang, shoots Wheeler a dirty look, then stalks off. Wheeler's all, "Hey ... "
And now it's night, Michael and Linc are freezing their tushies off in front of a building, and Linc's just picked up a newspaper. He stares at it, his brow furrowed. It's so cute when he remembers he can't read. I kid! He actually can: how else would we know that he and Michael are now on A14. The headline: "Janitor Found Dead in Montana Motel Room." The story is un-bylined, although it runs a dateline out of Blackfoot, Montana, and it has one of the dullest leads I've ever seen: "For years, nothing ever extraordinary happened in the sleepy little town of Blackfoot, Montana. Neighbors looked out for one another, doors were left... " I mean, come on. Hasn't the props department heard of the inverted pyramid? You start with a concise lead, like, "Convicted killer Lincoln Burrows, his brother and an unnamed companion posing as a federal agent shot their way out of the Motel 6, but they left a body behind. Authorities have identified it as janitor Luc Thurbrook."
You know, maybe now is the time to set aside my years of reporting and figure that sometimes, a prop is just a prop. Sorry about that. The point to this scene is that Linc is not happy that another body's been dumped at his feet. Kellerman says patiently, "When it all comes down, this will all be cleared up." That is scant comfort to Linc "Instant Resolution" Burrows. He snipes about Dr. Sara not coming, and Michael confidently says, "She'll be here."
Linc tells Kellerman to am-scray so he can browbeat Michael in relative privacy. "What if the only reason this guy's helping us is to get the information Sara has? What if this is just one giant set-up?" Linc asks. We cut to Kellerman looking particularly shifty and self-satisfied. I would worry more if Kellerman looked blameless as a baby: that's usually the expression he has on when he's about to lie to someone or shoot them in the head.
However, we don't get to plumb the inky depths of Kellerman's psyche because it's time to switch back to the Haywire storyline. He's watching the young punks kiss good-night. Sasha walks inside, where her dad is waiting. Things escalate pretty quickly, with Daddy Dearest deciding that he'll make Sasha show him respect, if by "respect" you mean "giant purple contusions courtesy of this poker he's about to apply to whatever part he can aim at." However, before he can get his display of respect, Haywire springs out of nowhere and bashes in Bad Dad's face with a huge piece of lumber. We zoom out to an outside shot of the house. The Colonial's façade is peaceful. Frogs are chirping happily, and the only other sounds we hear are heavy, wet thuds and the occasional scream.
Meanwhile, back at Fox River, Mahone is trying to chat up Nurse Gossipson and failing. Oh, Mahone. When Nurse Gossipson won't talk to you, it's a sign that your mojo is fading. Or is it... Mahone whips out a copy of the Scofield/Burrows Sweeps Special and tells Nurse Gossipson, "I highlighted the part where he talks directly to Sara. Mean anything to you? You have no idea where she might meet him?" Since Nurse Gossipson answers, "No" to all his questions, Mahone moves on to Bellick.
We cut to a shot of Bellick's raw face. He sneers at Mahone, "You must be loving this." Bellick overestimates exactly how much mental real estate Mahone can devote to thinking of anything other than A) a manhunt, and B) his own numerous personal problems. Mahone begins to play Bellick like a fiddle, pointing out that he's managed to track down the convicts more often than the FBI did. Bellick growls back, "Thanks for the attaboy, but as you can see, the correctional system doesn't share your gratitude." Mahone just lets that hang there, then briskly gets back to business. He wants to know about Dr. Sara: "She used you as a reference on her job application to work here. You know her well?" Bellick replies, "I'd know her a lot better if you could get my ass moved to Ad[ministrative] Seg[regation]." Mahone smiles humorlessly and says, "I have no influence with the [Department of Corrections]. You know that." Then Bellick has nothing to say. Mahone promises to look into it, provided Bellick can prove he's useful.
So then he asks whether Bellick recognizes anything in the message. Miracle of miracles, Bellick does. But he won't say until Mahone can promise him a move to AdSeg. Mahone does, so Bellick tells him: "The stuff about 'another chance' and 'safe haven,' that's out of the Big Book... those are the names of some of the chapters in the book they use in A.A."
Cut to Mahone reading a version Fox River just happens to have on hand. As we hear Michael intoning, "Sara, listen, I know I can't ask you for another chance," Mahone flips to that chapter, but sees nothing significant. Michael intones, "I can only hope by now, you have found your safe haven." Again, flip to the chapter, and again, nothing. We flash to Michael saying, "I took advantage of you and your commitment to help others, and put you in a place that's every doctor's nightmare." Mahone flips to a section titled "Doctor Bob's Nightmare," and notices a passage with a location: St. Thomas Hospital in Akron, Ohio. Michael's Mental Mate is back in the game!
We cut to St. Thomas Hospital, and once again, Linc is a big ol' doomcookie. Just dip him in the milk of misery and have a sad snack. He intones, "It's getting late." Michael says, "I know." In the same sullen voice, Linc says, "She's not here." Michael gives him a look and says shortly, "I know that too." Heh. I love it when Michael gets irritated. Is that wrong? He says, "There is a chance that she didn't get the message." Linc replies with something along the lines of, "Or maybe you're not the catch you'd like to think you are." But before Linc can continue to run down Michael and his big plans and his even bigger brain, Michael notices that someone's been paging "Michael Crane" for a phone call. He sprints inside.
Mahone is now walking around Fox River, barking instructions in his mobile phone along the lines of, "Call the Akron police and tell them to get the entire force over to St. Thomas Hospital." We do not get to hear Agent Lang snap back, "Why don't you call them your own damn self? You have a phone, don't you? I am not your switchboard operator, twitchy!"
Michael moseys up to the front desk and says, "Michael Crane. I think you've got a phone call for me." The receptionist just hands the phone on over. Know how you can tell it's a fantasy hospital? No, it's not that the receptionist doesn't ask for ID. It's that she's actually making eye contact with someone who walks into a hospital, as opposed to staying behind a wall of bulletproof glass and flinging a forms-packed clipboard toward the people who walk in the door.
Anyway, Michael takes the phone from whomever just won the Win-a-walk-on-in-Prison Break contest and says, "This is Mr. Crane." Dr. Sara replies, "That sounded better than 'Origami.'"
The two then proceed to have this conversation:
Michael: "Even if you got the message, I wasn't sure you were going to respond."
Dr. Sara: "I couldn't get to you in time. This is the only thing I could think of."
Michael: "I swore I'd leave you alone. But I had to contact you."
Dr. Sara: "Because I have something?"
Michael: "You know."
Dr. Sara: "Michael, back in Gila, I was coming back to you. Somebody... grabbed me, and they told me that my father had given me something."
Michael: "Did someone hurt you?"
Dr. Sara: "I-I got away... uh. Michael, I want for this to be over.
Michael: "That makes two of us."
WHAT MICHAEL DOES NOT SAY: "Unfortunately, the writers have just gotten orders to string this out another few seasons."
Dr. Sara: "Do you think that's possible?"
Michael: "With your help, yes. It's just a question of looking at whatever it is your father gave you."
Dr. Sara: "It's just... it's just a key."
Michael: "We'll figure it out together."
Dr. Sara: Thinking, "Together? Is that together-together, or just ... together? Also, do you think he'll like my hair?" "I like the sound of that."
Michael: Thinking, "In your FACE, Linc!" "Me too."
Outside, Linc is pondering the big questions in life: will it be possible to produce cold fusion for commercial use? Do animals have souls? What are these things called "buttons"? Will Michael ever come back outside? Kellerman stands some distance away. His own mobile rings, and when Kellerman sees who it is, he casually ambles out of Linc's earshot.
We hear Madame President Evil say, "Hello, Paul." She does not add, "I'm calling you from the set of ABC's Brothers and Sisters." Kellerman says neutrally, "Madame President. It's been a while." Madame Evil replies, "I know. I want to apologize." Kellerman's all, "Gooooo onnnnn... " Madame Evil continues, "I'm so sorry. It all just got away from me and I ended hurting the one person who's always been at my side. I want you to come home, Paul. We can fix this together, but not with those brothers running around the country, tearing down the very office you helped me build." As she says this, we see Kellerman shooting a smug look at Linc and Michael. I can't help but wonder if, in this carefully worded apology, there are a few code phrases that Kellerman and Madame Evil had already established.
As Michael walks out of the hospital, Kellerman says, "Caroline ... " She plows on, "I want to make it up to you. Bring them in, Paul, and everything can go back to the way it was." As we hear this, Kellerman's face shifts through about five different reactions: obedience, wistfulness, rueful resignation, sly calculation, concentration. On the phone, Madame President Evil says, "I have to go now. I'll see you soon." Kellerman doesn't say anything. He doesn't even look at the phone as he slaps it shut and shoves it back in his pocket.
We then cut to the Car of Comedy Gold. Kellerman looks back from the driver's seat and asks Michael if he's talked to Sara. Michael replies, "In a few days, this should all be over, one way or the other." Linc glares out the window. Kellerman, who has a tiny, opaque smile on his face, says, "Absolutely." And oh my gosh! Not only do we have the inevitable awkward reunion between Michael, Dr. Sara and Kellerman to look forward to, we now have the whole Kellerman end game to decipher. Good times! I cannot wait.