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Coming off last week's rare cliffhanger -- in which A thanked the Liars for giving him Alison's decoded diary, and warned of dangers yet to come -- the girls head back to the Busy Bee B&B, still trusting in the clearly haunted GPS, and find evidence of a mighty struggle and possible abduction. Afterwards, nobody can decide if Ali was even there or whether the whole thing was staged, but it doesn't matter: According to Shana, Alison is safe and ready to speak to Emily... And only Emily.
Shana's explanation for herself, which bears out in what happens, is that she grew up door to Grandma D in Georgia, and has known Ali since she was three. She came to Rosewood to investigate Alison's stalking, assembling the B-Team (including her relationship with Jenna) to keep Alison's list of suspects close. When Spencer asks if it's possible that Shana would go to these lengths for Alison, Emily reminds her who Alison is, which is definitely a person who could brainwash somebody like that no problem. Like on any given Saturday morning she could easily fit that in, between psychic phone calls and flying lessons and blinding a couple perverts.
Spencer is no fan of this entire scenario, since Emily just got sent to Kissin' Rock last week for no clear reason, but Emily makes it clear -- after Shana provides details of her last meeting with Alison that nobody else would know -- that she's going through with it. After a tearful reunion, Alison's spooked by the suspicious and lurking Spencer, and runs away. It is at this point that Emily loses her shit and nearly murders Spencer for screwing everything up, which Spencer says is the key: Alison knew Emily was getting over her broken heart, and wants to play Emily off the other Liars so she will stay on lock.
But Spencer is not done fucking everything up (while also being right) by a long shot: up is poor old Toby, who -- thanks to the vagaries of telecommunication and Spencer's very busy fucking-things-up schedule -- signs off on a settlement with Radley that includes a gag order... Right before Spencer notices that Jessica DiLaurentis is on the Board of Trustees at the facility, which calls into question not only the "accident" itself but also Peter's big explanation that he and Jessica's secrets revolve around Jason going to "rehab." Right before Spencer loses her own mind, she grosses Toby out with her morbid interest in who the second mental patient was at Marion's fall, and he runs away crying.
Hanna continues acting scary post-Caleb, mouthing off at her mom and refusing to discuss last week's (night's) disclosure about the breakup. When Travis the Cowboy arrives, she challenges him to a game of pool (there is a pool table in the middle of her living room this week, also she is getting rid of all her clothes except for a hilarious t-shirt that simply says "CREEPING") and later, lays one on him. Both Travis and the interloping Ashley think rebounding is a bad idea, which just sends Hanna off on some more rants. Eventually Ashley wisely takes her to a place ("Cracked Up!") where you smash dishes for fun, which gets her out of her funk. She even leaves Caleb a very cool, and sweet closure voicemail, which -- heartbreaking as it was -- can only presage more Travis to come, at least in the short term.
But what of Aria? Oh, it's great this week. She breaks up with Jake the second he gets back into town, then learns he sent her a hideous necklace -- her favorite kind! -- while he was gone. She goes to return it (and hopefully make Jake cry), only to get hit with a face-full of denial when Jake tells her about a curious sight he saw: Ezra Fitz, pretending he's in Philly for the day, screaming at a blonde lady (whom I didn't recognize) outside the Grille like he was going to straight murder her. While Aria gets defensive at the time, later on in Ezra's apartment she comes on real strong, pressing Ezra until he blatantly lies to her about this being a legal dispute over Malcolm's visitation.
Then, just as suddenly as it arrived, Aria's brain deserts her once again. They hug, and feed each other warm gooey brownies like the huge fucking dorks they are... While Jake, over at the dojo, impales his foot on about one hundred knives Ezra has concealed in his heavy bag. Blood, screaming, statutory brownies, giggles, snuggles, knives: It's easily the most beautiful Aria thing that has ever happened.
Well, maybe besides that pottery class that time. I did love that. So then what then? Whatever Team Shana's really on, she has Alison to vouch for her now -- which should go well for her, considering the A-Tag is A setting a picture of Baby Shana on fire in the high school in the middle of the night. (Pulled from a copy of The Tempest, cutely enough, considering the actress's connection to that play.) Otherwise, what a satisfying night. Emily and Alison continue tearing up the screen with their oh-so-relatable and horrific relationship, Aria and Ezra have somehow become my favorite couple of all time, even Hanna's getting her groove back. Here's hoping whatever mental rockslide Spencer's gearing up for is relatively quick and painless for her.
Week: Hanna's taken up crime novels, which helps her Jewel Of The Nile herself into figuring out who's actually in homegirl's grave. Mona gets yelled at by Aria, which is fine because her alliance with Ezra is apparently going forward. Mikey's back and making new (karate?) friends, while Spencer gets back to work on the Diary to figure out Boardshorts's identity. Emily gets locked in a random place, looks like, and it seems also that A starts sending the Liars messages from inside Hanna's literal mouth.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Caleb's gone to Ravenswood, Aria will flip Jake for Ezra heartily any day of the week, Spencer's determined to take Radley -- and possibly her father -- down, and A has Ali's Diary... and now, possibly, Alison herself. Why is she back and why can't she figure out who A is after all this time? Perhaps she should ask her vast array of parrot, psychic and Halloween Store informants... Or maybe she is just dicking with the Liars like she did back when she was alive, and then dead, and then alive again which is now.
EN ROUTE TO THE BB B&B
Aria: "Grab your butts and get in the car. We're following that faulty GPS that always tries to kill us to that B&B we told A about and now A is telling us about."
Liars: "But in the time it takes us to respond to that text from A, won't A have killed her?"
Aria: "Then why would A send us a text about it? That would be so creepy of A to do!"
Inside the room to which they've been led, the Liars find evidence of a brutal scene! Windows ajar and rattling, a door swinging on a hinge. Alison-type clothing tossed about with abandon. Messages scrawled creepily on doors, answering questions before they are asked.
Liars: "Maybe she fought A off and this was another fruitless journey."
A: "Or maybe you are too late! Hahaha!"
Liars: "I don't even get what's happening right now."
CHURCH
Emily: "Me? I'm just dropping off baked goods for a bake sale. You know how Pam is, always sending me to dark abandoned holy places."
Hanna: "I just wish I knew what the point of all that was."
Emily: "I'm more creeped out at this point by simple things. Like for some reason just thinking about Alison being in that motel room, not dead, and then possibly getting murdered. Or not being there at all, and it's just ghosts."
Hanna: "You think it was a setup."
Emily: "It definitely had A's flair for the dramatic. Hang on, I am being menaced by shadows. I'll call you back."
TOBY
Spencer: "Dad? How did you know I ran away to this studio apartment?"
Peter: "I didn't. I wasn't looking for you, come on. Who are you, Melissa? No, I'm looking for Toby in between changing my mind back and forth about Radley Sanitarium a million times. But instead, you can come home right the hell now."
Spencer: "Nope. Not until you explain why you are having secret meetings that you lie about with the mother of your bastard. Or else I will call Mom and blow this mother up for good."
Peter: "Fine. Jason fell off the wagon somewhere between here and Wyoming..."
Spencer: "He's back on the pot!?"
Peter: "Yeah and it's making him get into barfights, like how marijuana always works."
Spencer: "So you and Jessica are keeping her divorce a secret, so he won't do more weed?"
Peter: "And if I tell your mom about it, she'll pull her special victim act and we'll never hear the end of it..."
Spencer: "...Because of your infidelity, got it. Okay, that's a good enough reason to lie."
Peter: "It's not lying! I think of myself more as a Pretty Little Omitter."
Toby: "I'm here too! No shirt on."
Peter: "Spencer, I'm going to ask you to leave me with your shirtless teen boyfriend."
Spencer: "No, I get it."
FITZ
Aria: "Everything that ever happens from now on is because Caleb moved to another TV show and Hanna has become insane. It's like a lifetime supply of free passes."
Ezra: "Everything that ever happens from now on is because I am A. Or because I got a girl pregnant with an imaginary baby that I still think is my actual child. Or because I don't want to go to jail for rape. Or because I don't want to get fired from my job I've already been fired from eleven times."
Aria: "I'd like to pencil you in between my other boyfriend, my conspiracy of Liars, the hacker ninja that tortures them, my alive dead friend, and thrift-shopping at the futuristic clown store. Gonna pop some tags."
Ezra: "Okay cool, because I am going to Philly to see a friend."
Aria: "You have a friend? Is it your one friend that you have, Hardy?"
Ezra: "No, it is a second friend. A laxbro named Curtis. He sells me drugs."
Aria's Phone: "That's perfect because Jake is back from Harrisburg, the American karate capital."
Ezra: "See, you've a million things to do, like have multiple boyfriends even though we are in love."
Aria: "Nah, I'll just go break up with him. By which I mean, make him cry hopefully."
MARIN
Emily: "You are donating all of your clothes? You're symbolically purging your life of Caleb through giving away clothes?"
Hanna: "Everything except this super weird t-shirt I'm wearing that says CREEPING on it. That, I am keeping."
Emily: "Now, wait. I know for a fact that's your favorite skirt..."
Hanna: "-- No. It was Caleb's favorite. And possibly Mona's."
Ashley: "Hanna why are all your things that own in a pile?"
Hanna: "I'm cleaning out my closet for reasons of sadness. To you, I put the same question. Why is there a pool table in our rarely used front room?"
Ashley: "Something about a burst pipe or something. I guess it's a metaphor."
Everybody: "Is it within the realm of possibility that you are going nuts."
Hanna: "When in the history of people, much less our little clique, has that helped? Look, I'm clearing the air. Would you rather I bury my feelings, like I crazily buried that gun in the yard of that sorority house that time, or do this instead?"
CHURCH
Emily: "Hello? Ghost or monster? You are not supposed to do this shit in a church. That's like rule one of church."
Shana: "I'm not a ghost or a monster, just a b-hole that slept with your girlfriend. I have a message from Alison."
Emily: "Alison who?"
Shana: "She wants to meet with you but you have to come alone. PS, this is not a trap."
Shana downloads that she grew up door to Grandma D, down in Georgia, and has known Ali since she was three. Shana came to Rosewood for two reasons: Number one, to sell Halloween costumes. Number two, to figure out who killed Alison and protect her from getting killed by them again. I guess this is why she was so intimate with Noel Kahn and CeCe Drake back in those webisodes: Part of the higher order of Ali compatriots.
Emily: "Uh, then why are you dating Jenna?"
Shana: "One does not 'date' Jenna Thing. Can a mortal 'date' the storm? The night? A nest of vipers, telling secrets in a shadowed barrow? No. One merely stands still, and allows Jenna Thing to pass over, and through. And then it is gone."
Emily: "Alison hated her ass so bad she blinded her."
Shana: "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and Alison's enemies... Generally I sleep with those, apparently."
Emily: "Fine. Prove you're actually her emissary by [a sad way that we will find out later but is very convincing]."
CAVANAUGH
Toby and Peter discuss Radley's settlement offer, which Peter is now championing over shutting the place down or bringing the ruckus about it further. Toby's dad is into it, because he already has a wife and a lovely house full of snowglobes and could care less. Toby also is just about done with all of this. He's been a teen contractor for like a year, so naturally it's time to start thinking about teen retirement.
DOJO
Aria: "You look like you've been in a fight?"
Jake: "I just qualified at karate nationals. You know how I did that? By being in several fights. Literally that is my job."
Aria: "You are so fine that it literally comes as a shock, the first time you appear in a given episode."
Jake: "Thanks, want to get lunch?"
Aria: "No. I mean yes, but no. I mean yes, but not with you."
Jake: "Are we breaking up? Are you back with that pervert?"
Aria: "Don't make this harder for me. By which I mean, give me a ton of shit about it and break into tears if you can. Film yourself doing it if possible. Write a poem maybe."
Jake: "Okay well, you're the hot mess that's dating your English teacher, so go for it."
Aria: "Really? You're not going to put your fist through the wall or run down our one street that we have in our town and punch his lights out? Maybe during a rainstorm?"
Jake: "I just got back from nationals! I want like a nice brunch and a nap in my own bed before I can focus on anything as elaborate as your neverending nonsense."
Aria: "I can't say I'm not disappointed. But can we be friends?"
Jake: "Fuck a buncha... Are you kidding me?"
Aria: "...There it is. Thanks, Jake. I'll always remember you like this. Standing here in this stinky dojo, telling me I am not worth your friendship. That means a lot, dude."
TOBY
Spencer: "But there's a gag clause! How can we bring the ruckus?"
Toby: "You really need to stop treating my storyline like it's your storyline. Our respective relationships with that place are basically, at this point, at cross-purposes. But I can't say that, since I'm the one that put you in there, and you can't say..."
Spencer: "Like I have boundaries. What's the worst thing that I can say right now? Oh, how about I still want to find out who the mental patient was that saw your mother fall off a roof to her death."
Toby: "Is this about you being crazy, or is it about your daddy issues?"
Spencer: "Why is that all anyone ever says to me all the time?"
Toby: "Frankly I don't want to do a whole court case about it anyway, and you seem to need me to explain why. I don't want to testify, or hear, about my mother's illness or my family history. My widowed father went on to marry the mother of Jenna Thing, okay? Basically, like a Sex Beowulf. Does that not tell you my family has problems you don't know about yet?"
EMILY
Emily: "All I will say is, I told Shana to ask what Ali said when she pulled me out of the barn that time we found a shovel."
Spencer: "Which was what?"
Emily: "Not important."
Spencer: "She never even mentioned she had some sleeper agent in another state. This is clearly a lie and you are clearly falling for it."
Emily: "Yeah, because it's not like we don't meet strangely intimate people from Alison's history like, once a week. She also never mentioned how she was given to trading souls with CeCe Drake, or getting choke-fucked by your sister's fiancé, or hanging out at the Kahn's murderous robot sex palace, or that she and her parrot Tippi were friends with a psychic witch..."
Spencer: "I just hate it when the people come off seeming closer to her than we were."
Emily: "Okay, Aria. The point is, I am working through some shit."
Spencer: "No, the point is that she trusts this random more than us. Not cool."
Emily: "I mean, we're hardly safe for her. A is all up in our business all the time. She'd have a valid point."
Spencer: "Shana hooked up with Paige, too..."
Emily: "-- Yes, do let's chat about that."
Spencer: "So but was she on Ali's List?"
Emily: "Most assuredly so. They hated each other real bad."
Spencer: "Or else we'll stop looking for her, and A can beat us to the punch again. And why on Earth would Shana move all the way down here for this? The glamour of working at a seasonal Halloween shop? No matter how spooktacular."
Emily: "Name me one person she didn't brainwash to within an inch of their lives."
Spencer: "Mona, me, you, Aria, Hanna, Lucas, most of our parents... Okay, valid."
MARIN
Travis: "Hey, are you by any chance losing your mind? And why is there a pool table?"
Hanna: "So we can play pool and I can surprise kiss you in a desperate grab for something to hold onto. Do you like my t-shirt that simply says, CREEPING? It is a clue of what's about to befall you."
Travis: "Well I do enjoy billiards."
SHANA
Shana: "She kissed you and said she missed you the most, and that you're her favorite."
Emily: "I thought it would suck less when I told you to go get that information. Huh. Now, how long have you known she was alive?"
Shana: "Since Mona went to Radley. Before that I was just on a mission of my own, apparently. Which makes no sense, but don't get distracted by the details now. You're her favorite, she wants to see you, what is the problem."
MARIN
Travis: "You sure are bad at pool! Almost like you want to do the cliché thing where I teach you how to play pool."
Hanna: "Then let's just skip to that."
Travis: "I'm a simple soul, so I don't get it yet. Okay now, ignore my boner and try playing pool."
Instant ball in the corner pocket. Hilariously, the ball she hits is approximately one centimeter from going in to start with, but they act like she's Paul Newman over here. Everybody gets a trophy I guess.
Hanna, verbatim: "Watch out, Travis. I'm coming for you."
Hanna's T-Shirt: "CREEPING."
EMILY
Spencer: "Yeah, because it's not like A's randomly known every secret conversation any of us has ever had before. Even the ones we have with Alison when we are on drugs or asphyxiated."
Emily: "I checked up on Shana and she did grow up where she said. No mention of her weird ties to Ravenswood, though. Somehow I think that will never be explained."
Spencer: "Did I mention I scanned Ali's entire diary at some point and forgot to mention it? We can use that to triangulate her location now..."
Emily: "Great, you do that. But meanwhile, she needs me tonight."
Spencer: "Like she needed you at the Kissin' Rock? That went nowhere, as I recall."
Emily: "I don't know. I mean, A can't be always following us all. Maybe there's a window."
Spencer: "First of all, yes A can. Second of all, I really think you're blinded by old love."
Emily: "I appreciate your concern, but I'm right this time. Just leave it alone. I only told you because I didn't want to lie to you, but now I'm thinking that was a mistake based on your crazy Spencer eyes. Do not fuck this up for me. It's for all of us."
Spencer: "Okay. PS, I will be fucking this up. This whole episode is just me wreaking havoc on everyone, completely by accident. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go lurk in the shadows of my house."
HASTINGS
Spencer: "Are you seriously cooking a special dinner for mom? By which I mean, you've employed strangely mute servants to cook and serve a special dinner?"
Peter: "You are welcome to come, as long as you don't pull a Spencer."
Spencer: "That's a high quote, sir. Listen, why are you giving Toby Cavanaugh the runaround on this? First you tell us not to do anything, then you jump in with both feet and make it all about yourself, and now you're telling him to jump away..."
While this is happening Peter first eats a mushroom puff in a menacing fashion, then drinks a glass of what might as well be milk in a menacing fashion. Possibly the most hilarious Hastings House callback in the history of the show.
Spencer: "You and Mom are lawyers, you don't just walk away from corporate suits."
Peter: "This is about what's right for the Cavanaughs. Leave me to deal with my clients and you go be a teenager. A teenager who doesn't screw up this dinner and whatever, go pick out some music to set the mood. Something happy, upbeat. Maybe turn on like one lamp or overhead light in this cobwebby hellhole, to complete the effect."
"...And don't go through my briefcase!" he doesn't say. Therefore, by the rules of the Pretty Little Omitting in which he has just educated his daughter, Spencer needs to immediately go through his briefcase. What she finds is that Jessica DiLaurentis is on the Board at Radley, which calls basically everything into question: What Peter's really doing with his erstwhile jumpoff, what Peter's really doing to/for Toby's family, why Mrs. D lied about the CeCe Drake soul-trading situation and her daughter's history with the place, and where Jason actually is. That's merely four things, just off the top.
JAKE
Speaking of questionable people, Jake is strolling the boulevards of Rosewood and comes across a strange sight: Little cute Ezra, acting very fucking scary, screaming at a blonde lady I don't recognize in a sedan until she drives away, then pounding on the trunk as she's going, and finally just kicking up his heels in a Rumpelstiltskinian caper of rage.
"I don't like it! But I don't understand how you can make such a colossal mistake! Do you understand? Do you see how this is difficult? No, look at me! Look at me when I'm talking to you! This doesn't make sense. You have really screwed up. You have really screwed up! Oh yes, please! Please drive away! This isn't over!"
Jake is like, "I knew it." But instead of investigating, he leaves Ezria to their horrible lives and continues on down the street toward the Applewood Grille, looking for grilled foods to celebrate his newfound singlehood and National title. At this point, note, Jake's feet are uninjured and have not yet had a single, much less dozens, of knives driven into and through them. Thus, he is moving quickly, and with a dancer's agility.
Meanwhile, Aria comes home to a package Jake sent from Harrisburg containing one (1) ugly necklace. He knows her so well! But she can't keep it. Maybe if it had feathers on it or was bigger than her fist she would, but this is just entry-level ugly: A silver coin or medallion with bright red Japanese characters that mean CREEPING.
CREEPING
Travis: "I should go. It's not in my cowboy way to stay at a lady's house past dinner time."
CREEPING: "How about a big kiss with no warning?"
Travis: "Uh, that was nice? But you're manic as hell and I won't be a rebound."
CREEPING: "Who says you're a rebound? Besides everything I am doing and saying."
Travis: "That's messed up, though. Please don't force me to make decisions for you."
CREEPING: "Nobody's making actual decisions right now, trust me."
Ashley: "Hey guys. You seem to be making out."
Hanna: "Don't judge me!"
Ashley: "I'm not judging you, I'm just saying you're comin' in a little hot."
Hanna: "You don't understand kids these days!"
Travis: "Yeah so I'm just gonna go."
Hanna: "Mom! You killed the vibe!"
Ashley: "Thank God. You are acting insane and that boy seems really nice. And hot. You'll thank me later when it's legit."
Hanna: "I DON'T NEED EVERYBODY TO FIX IT! JUST BE A WITNESS TO MY EXPERIENCE!"
HASTINGS
Peter: "Why are you going in my briefcase? Hand it over."
Spencer: "So Jessica DiLaurentis is on the Board at Radley, huh? Is she the one that fed you that frankly ludicrous cover-up story about the accident and the witness?"
Peter: "Not exactly in those words! Look, I have to go pick up your mom. Maybe you should go have dinner somewhere else."
Spencer: "Is Jason even in rehab? What is like one true thing?"
Peter: "I know this is what drives you crazy, and I'm sorry about that. But kindly fuck off and stop trying to ruin my marriage."
Spencer: "Toby, I'm not sure why you're not picking up but please don't sign that agreement until I have a chance to rant and rave at you about it. Okay? I can't explain further at this time because I have more lives to ruin all over town. Love, Spence."
DOJO
Aria: "Here is your necklace back. It is so super ugly but I can't keep it."
Jake: "Fuck am I gonna do with it? Leave me to my exercises."
Aria: "Are you gonna burst into tears? Follow-up question, can I take a picture if you do that."
Jake: "I just don't get why you would pick your abuser over a nice man. Because that has never happened before in the history of people."
Aria: "Abuser? He's got me by like, eleven pounds at most. LOL, abuser. What are you talking about?"
Jake: "I saw him yelling at a blonde lady outside the Applewood Grille and it was so scary! It made my taut perfect stomach hurt."
Aria: "Don't be ridiculous. He was in Philadelphia today."
Jake: "Then he must have come home early. Trust me, I recognize him. Everybody got special cards in the mail alerting us when he moved back into the area."
My sister Jenny and brother David graduated on the same day from the same high school, and I got their graduation announcements in the mail the same day as our sex-offender alerts, on the way to work, and so I pinned all of them up in a row in my cubicle, and spent the day talking about how I was proud of each of them equally, for different reasons. Fairly dark joke, looking back, but it still makes me laugh, almost ten years later, whenever sex offenders come up in conversation.
Jake: "I always wondered if Ezra was the person you were afraid of. Remember how I asked you point-blank?"
Aria: "Psh. I'm not afraid of Ezra."
Jake: "Maybe you should be!"
Aria: "The Ezra I know doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Just hollow ones, like a delicate beautiful bird."
CRACKED UP!
This is the second time it's happened with Hanna, I didn't mention it before, but there's a funny thing where the music on the soundtrack which seems extradiagetic is actually the music Hanna's listening to, which gives her a sort of pathetic-fallacy control over the environment that sneaks up on you in a cool way. Before, with Travis, it was like this fake-happy times music so when she turned off the boombox it jerked you right down into the muck with her.
This time, she's staring into space on her bed with her headphones on, and the song is just very sad, and I started thinking, She's gonna pull those earbuds out and we're going to realize we were watching this whole scene from inside her head and it's gonna be crazy, and that's exactly what happens. Neat.
Ashley: "Grab your jacket, loser. We're going out on the town."
Hanna: "I should not have left her alone with the wine."
Ashley takes her to this hot new joint where you smash plates and cups to get your frustrations out, which I have only heard of in Japan. It's called CRACKED UP! because of course it is. Thanks, Rosewood. You never disappoint. (Meanwhile over in Ravenswood, this place would be called EVERYWHERE because plates and cups and vases and the like are constantly getting shattered by the unseen forces of doom no matter where you go. In Ravenswood it would instead be like, a place where you go when you feel like levitating knives or antique hairbrushes and exploding mirrors with your feelings, but don't want to clean up the mess afterwards.)
On the other hand, as ridiculous as this place seems you have to admit Rosewood is the ideal franchise opportunity. Think about how many times Spencer, Ezra, Wilden and CeCe could have used this place instead of doing major violence. Perhaps if somebody had given Ali a giftcard to this place, she would not have snapped that girl's neck at that frat party that time.
Ashley: "Your dad left me for Isabel and I went insane, right? Lashing out at all the wrong people, my closest friends. Even wine, I was snippy to wine one time. And then a friend suggested that I come here. Stop being a bitch to actual people, and be a bitch to place settings. And that, my friend, is a gift I'm giving you."
Hanna: "This won't bring Caleb back. Unless it's magical ghost plateware. Or there are jars of hair possibly, or however that works."
Ashley: "Just do it."
She does. Her face lights up! Destruction!
Hanna: "Okay, this is fantastic. Who was the friend that suggested this?"
Ashley: "The US Poet Laureate Maya Angelou."
FITZ
Ezra: "You're in my house? Dorking around? This is so fun. It's like the good old days when we would draw faces on paper bags and take pictures with old-timey cameras and just be the absolute worst versions of ourselves."
Aria: "How was Philadelphia?"
Ezra: "It was great."
Aria: "Liar! Pretty Little Liar!"
Ezra: "Wait, what?"
Eventually, stammering, he "explains" that he was yelling at Maggie's attorney, who has this strange idea that Ezra has no claim to the custody of a child he barely knows and to whom he bears no relation. "The whole thing is very complicated," he says, snotty. "I didn't want to upset you," he says, lyingly.
Aria, verbatim: "Okay, that doesn't explain your violent outburst."
Ezra: "She was in a car, and I am a tiny sexy elf of a man. She was in no danger."
Aria: "I really want to drive home that Jake is the one causing all this strife, in the hopes that you will fill his heavy bag full of a thousand knives in a minute."
Ezra: "Done. Are we cool, or do I need to tell more absurd lies?"
Things I can't even talk about now include: Everything on Aria's entire body. I just can't do it this week.
WAREHOUSE
Emily: "Are you coming in?"
Shana: "Hell no! This place is scary as all get out."
Vroom! Shana isn't sticking around for your BS, no sir. Good luck getting home.
Alison runs up to Emily once she's inside, crying and sighing, talking about how much she misses Emily, but Emily wants to stick to the facts and just get this whole mess cleared up real quick.
Ali: "Did you seriously just say we could go to the cops? Or somebody's parents? I don't wanna be the one to tell you this, Em, but your parents are the most stable adults in Rosewood, and even they are pretty fucking crazy by national standards. As far as I'm concerned, staying the hell away from my mother -- except for the occasional human resources advice from within her dreams, of course -- is the #1 bonus of being dead."
Emily: "So but there are four of us, usually..."
Ali, verbatim: "I know I can trust you, Em. I'm just not sure about them... You never stopped caring about me, did you? Even after everything I put you through. You don't know how much I regret hurting you. If I could do it all over again, things would be so different..."
She breaks down. If it's an act, it is a seriously epic one. Emily, on the other hand, is just about ready to shake her to get answers: Who is doing this? Who is she hiding from? Turns out she was wrong about whoever she thought it was.
Ali: "Help me find A, so I can come home."
Emily: "So wait, this whole time A really is the same person that killed you?"
Ali: "Funny story about that..."
Just then, Spencer -- who, come on, was always going to fuck this up -- knocks over a shelf full of bouncy balls and clattering tin buckets and whatever is super loud, so Alison peaces out immediately, getting onto a freight elevator and crying directly in Emily's face until she disappears.
The look that Emily turns on Spencer -- who is still, like, hopping around with one foot in a mop bucket and a lampshade on her head -- is so terrifying. It's about equal, in heat and intensity, to the time that Spencer made that one face at the police station. You know exactly the one I am talking about. You see it in your dreams. It's like that.
Emily: "Spencer Jill Hastings, make peace with your God."
Spencer: "Did she seriously just bail? Again?"
Emily: "She didn't bail, she spooked! You scared her! She has been under more pressure than even us, this whole time, and here you are creepin'..."
Spencer: "Sorry I assumed that -- like every other week of our lives -- you were walking headlong into your own murder as though it was no big deal. Sorry I was wrong this one time."
Emily: "Well, we're fucked. I have betrayed her now. She will never reach out..."
Spencer: "...Whoa, I get it now. She's dicking you around."
Emily: "Do what? No. I am completely rational. I am rationally digging my nails into my palms until they bleed, for example."
Spencer: "Nope. She's still playing games with us. She sucked you back in. She knew you were pulling away, so she came after you first. She wanted you to feel special, so you wouldn't give up on her..."
Emily: "That's sick."
Spencer: "Or it is awesome? Did you lose your Weakest Link status when I wasn't around?"
Emily: "You don't understand. Her fear and her regret and her sincerity were for the first time in our lives unassailable. She showed me a piece of herself, or of her growth, that we never even knew about."
Spencer: "Come on, she can 'trust' you but she's scared of the rest of us? Poppycock. That's the same shit she used to pull when she was alive."
Emily: "Hang on, you were eavesdropping that entire time?"
Spencer: "Focus! ...But not on me!"
Emily has just fucking had it. I mean, there's no way around it: If Spencer is right, Emily is the chump of the century. So even just having this thought -- to Emily's fevered perception -- is basically calling her the chump of the century. Like, retroactively. And that is a lot to bear, when you consider the alternative: That Emily has earned the right to be Alison's Champion. Not because she held on the longest, or loved her the deepest, but because Emily is the best person. Loyal, kind, compassionate, incredibly strong, open-hearted, and good. Of course she can save the dead girl, of course she can be trusted above the others: She's kept herself clean.
You will never ever talk a person out of that one. Don't even try. It's the same nonsense that creates American exceptionalism -- "It's okay when we do it because we're the good guys" -- and it's what creates prosperity gospel bullshit -- "I'm rich because I'm Jesus's favorite, not because we bought a Congressman" -- and it's what keeps privilege going: "I'm not an out-and-out racist, wife-beater or fag-basher, so therefore institutional inequalities no longer exist." "I'm an ally, so I can speak for you and use off-limits words and objectify you however I see fit, and you still have to be grateful."
Alison came at Emily not through the gay door -- which is, I think (and thank God), shut to her now -- but through an even worse one. The worst imaginable, in fact, because it happens to be true.
MARINS
After some very sweet plate-smashing and some good old-fashioned mother/daughter reconnection and acknowledgement, Hanna makes a call: "I keep replaying the past few weeks over and over again in my head. Trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost you. Wondering if I could've done something differently. But I just wanted to let you know that it was the best year of my life." You can't really ask for more than that, can you?
TOBY
Spencer: "Hey, buddy. Why so sad? Or is that just your face."
Toby: "No, this time it's real. I got your message after I signed the thing."
Spencer: "But I mean, you were manipulated into..."
Toby: "Nah, it's fine. I had a long talk with my dad about it, and we are just kind of over the whole thing. She keeps dying everytime this comes up, and it's just awful."
Spencer: "But there's so much more to this cover-up..."
Toby: "No, that's the part where it's about you. The part about me is, my mom didn't kill herself. I don't care after that. If she fell or was pushed by a disturbed mental patient, either way that's just an accident."
Spencer: "But you don't even want to know who...?"
Toby: "Seriously. Drop it. You hold on too tight."
Spencer stares into space for a while, having possibly broken yet another thing she was trying to protect, and then abruptly bursts into tears.
ARIA
Ezra and Aria make brownies and put chocolate syrup and whipped cream from a can on the brownies and then they feed the brownies to each other and it's just simply awful.
Meanwhile, Jake is very angry and he punches a dummy and then yells some and then kicks his heavy bag very hard, driving about six hundred knives and corkscrews into the top of his foot and through his foot and out the bottom of his foot, then falls to the floor shooting blood in every direction from his foot.
And that is awful too, but in a way more delicious than any amount of brownie crammed into your face, whether it's by your English teacher or really just anybody at all.
WEEK
Hanna comes up with a literary plan to identify the body in Ali's grave, while Spencer gets back to work on the Diary to find Boardshorts. Mikey makes a new friend, and Emily's dad gets worried. Oh, and A is now hiding messages inside Hanna's actual head.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook.