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"Hey Aria, is that a dreamcatcher you're wearing? Because you look like a god damn nightmare."
I'm still working on my pickup lines. That one probably needs a little more time in the old hopper. So Ezra returns, and Aria immediately lies to him about kissing Wesley, and then his mom descends on everybody as usual, talking mad crap and throwing polarizing hints and intimations in every direction, until finally Ezra throws what I personally believe to be the only fit he has actually, literally -- rather than in his heroic imagination -- ever thrown about his mother's behavior. By her reaction -- tossing Maggie and Ezra's son out on the street like some kind of Charles Dickens fantasy -- I would say I'm probably right.
After Hanna spots Wilden forcing CeCe into his car, he decides to step up his campaign of intimidation: Far from being complicit in his possible babydaddyhood and subsequent murder of Alison, CeCe is actually just as scared as everybody else -- and ready to leave town. (Nooooooo!) Before she splits, though, she sets Emily up with some new clues, all of which basically add up to: Melissa Hastings took the boat picture, meaning she was there when Ali hooked up with Wilden, which -- when combined to her ties to the NAT Club and That Night -- means the Black Swan is utterly back in play. Not to mention looking fly with a kicky new haircut.
The rest of Hanna's day is mostly about wondering whether Caleb's Uncle Dad stole money from a church, which is pretty heavy, but not as heavy as when she gets home to her mom knocking back whiskeys talking about maybe she killed a guy. See, Ashley spends the episode in a restaurant being menaced by the good detective to shut her daughter up, sitting alone at a table not drinking wine for what seems to be about eleven hours, and then -- after a brief contretemps -- just hitting the gas and running Detective Wilden the fuck over, because Hanna's family is second only to the Kennedys in their luck with modes of transportation.
Problem #1, this is all caught on the police car's video camera, including Problem #2, where Hanna joins her mother in looking around for his dead body so they can presumably bury it ... with a shovel.
And then there's Spencer. After spending most of the week since last episode's blowup in bed, she gets an ultimatum from Melissa: Act like a person, or deal with their parents. Since this would involve an intergalactic planetary flight to wherever they are, Spencer shifts her sad lonely ass down to the couch, where she is immediately grasped in the chickenhawk claws of one Dr. Wren, whose jaw-dropping beauty could easily distract you from the part where he straight up admits that he swooped in on her last week purely because he heard she was unspooling, and that as a sexual predator of children he knew he couldn't pass this chance up. She asks him out, of course*, on a second date, because even when your mind is shattered into one million pieces, he's still crazy hot and it would still hurt Melissa's feelings, which are the two most important things in the world.
*(Which reminds me of the funniest part of the episode -- besides Aria's outfit, which is equal parts "Love Is A Battlefield" prostitute / Jessica "Spider-Woman" Drew cosplay -- which is when Wilden has the audacity to lean over a table and hiss at Ashley, "In a town like this, an accusation like that would end me." Uh, no. I'm pretty sure in a town like Rosewood, an accusation like that would make you Mayor.)
Even after Ella expresses concern that Spencer now spends most days flopping around on the floor groaning at irregular intervals, she still won't talk to anybody, and even hides multiple times from Aria -- who, to be fair, probably just wanted to talk about Ezra anyway -- so there are like a million reasons she would actually feel better just spending time with this gorgeous pedophile (and even dropping a pretty insane red herring and/or hint about as-yet unspoken matters) instead of her friends. But in the end, it's Aria who saves her when A locks her in her house's futuristic robot shower, and hacks its works to steam her to death like so much asparagus.
(First of all, how funny would it be if she'd come out of that shower and immediately started unloading all of her bullshit on Patrick Wilson, like a total trainwreck. And second of all, something has been going wrong in Rosewood for a long time and you need to get rid of any robots you may have in your home, immediately. Because they are going rogue.)
Still pruny from her brush with death, and assuming it was Toby that did this in retaliation for her Wren date, and not Melissa who I'm still not ruling out, Spencer orders Aria to get their friends together -- Emily who is super fine with the fact that Paige "Sketchmaster" McCullers secretly hooked up with Halloween Shana last summer and never said anything about it until forced to do so, Hanna whose mom maybe just fucking killed a cop, and Aria whose problems of course dwarf all others despite being almost entirely imaginary -- so she can finally tell everybody the real reason she broke up with Toby.
Week: Armed with the identities now of two A-Teamers, presumably the Liars will flounder about in an aggressively wall-bumping confusion, accusing people of various counterintuitive crimes and burying or setting fire to objects at random, hurling insults at the blind and at their siblings and at the siblings of the blind. Because Spencer Hastings is back, bitches. And all it took was a nice long shower and a pep talk from Ella, which come to think of it is the most believable part of the entire episode. She should have just started there. "Spencer, why are you lying facedown in my parking space? Why aren't you inside, studying Keats?" "Mrs. Montgomery, I have lost my entire mind." "Well, come on. I'll get you a scone and we can talk about it."
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Ezra's mother has decided to blame Aria for his poverty and ingratitude, even after everybody found out that she'd stolen his baby out of high school and set the mom up in a sweet condo, many states away. Eventually Ezra went off to see the kid, and while he's been gone Aria has been hanging out -- and eventually makin' a little time -- with his hot baby brother. ("Baby" in this context meaning "age-appropriate.") Emily and Jason were in an elevator crash that nearly injured her, and put Jason in the hospital for about five minutes until he disappeared.
Spencer has absolutely lost her marbles and forced Wren to take her on a little trip to see if she could find them inside Mona Vanderwaal's face. No dice. (And speaking of dice, Caleb's Uncle Dad is a little bit of a stealer, it seems. Or just really likes drawing dice on money.) And of course, everybody but especially Emily is intensely focused on the newest scandal: Detective Darren Wilden possibly got a fifteen-year-old Alison pregnant, and subsequently killed her.
MORNING BREW
Liars: "Doing okay, Emily?"
Emily: "On a scale of Mean Cupcakes to Dressing Room Snakes or Scary Massage, I'd put the Elevator Disaster at about a Robot Death House."
Liars: "Maybe the A-Team will just go away, now that everybody but Jason is dead in the NAT Club and Jason's far away or dead."
Spencer: "Or go back to torturing us full-time."
Liars: "All right, Hastings. Buck up. Now, why do we think CeCe lied about knowing Wilden from Cape May?"
Aria: "Which evidence abruptly disappeared. You know, we should really think about documenting and backing this stuff up. Generally I think those kind of measures are pretty alarmist -- what, you're gonna lose your Fantasy Football spreadsheet? -- but honestly is there any person or group of persons on this planet more in need of some digital security? Just some passwords and a hard drive. Even just the cloud. Something."
Emily: "So is CeCe Drake A+? Is she Red Coat?"
Spencer: "Hmm? Maybe it's CeCe Drake."
Liars: "Spencer, if we lose your brilliant mind that's the whole enchilada. Take a ginkgo and get it together."
Spencer: "Sorry, you guys. I'm just a little distracted thinking about how Dr. Wren took me to another city, where I sort of physically attacked Mona Vanderwaal with my teeth bared and making crazy noises like a beast."
Wilden: "Anybody see some teen sluts around here?"
Liars: "Get out of this coffee shop, Detective Wilden! It isn't open yet, Detective Wilden!"
Wilden: "Just tell me where Jason is. He's saying some damaging stuff about me."
Hanna: "Oh really? Like what?"
Wilden: "Don't play dumb, Hanna."
Hanna: "Fine, go ask CeCe Drake!"
Liars: "Hanna..."
Hanna: "Go get on a boat with her and Alison and get everybody pregnant, bitch!"
Liars: "Hanna!"
Wilden: "So CeCe's telling stories about me too? Thanks for the info. Later!"
Like immediately later. I can't even believe how much morning there is in this episode. No lunchtime, no classes, nothing. Just eight different breakfasts all over the map and then a free period and then everybody goes running around like wild hooligans until the sun sets.
MORNING MARINS
Just strollin' down that one street, coffee in hand, looking lovely, chatting about stuff.
Ashley: "So is Caleb having fun with Uncle Dad?"
Hanna: "When I see people stripping copper pipe out of teardowns, I generally think of Bubbles from The Wire. So possibly, Caleb is having a lot of fun, in the short term."
Ashley: "Werewolves don't do meth, everybody knows that."
Hanna catches, out of the corner of her eye, Wilden abducting CeCe Drake in broad daylight.
Ashley: "Hanna, are you staring at Darren Wilden?"
Hanna: "Yeah, because he just kidnapped a girl."
Ashley: "Don't start shit with him."
Hanna: "No but I mean like he just grabbed a girl I know and forced her into his car."
Ashley: "As a family, we don't have time for this. That guy is a hassle and a half! Is he bothering you again? Because Veronica Hastings says he's not allowed to talk to you if I'm not..."
Hanna: "-- No, no way. I mean, I am not telling you that part. It's just this whole thing about how maybe he got Alison pregnant and killed her. No big deal."
MELISSA
Melissa: "Are you still in bed? Jesus Christ, it's not like the father of your devil baby went missing for several weeks and sent you cryptic messages and eventually killed himself. Come on, pull it together. time, I'm telling Mom and Dad."
MORNING DOWNLOAD
Hanna: "I told my Mom about Wilden knocking up Ali, yes. But I was distracted by Wilden abducting CeCe Drake in the bright morning sunshine off our one street in our town where everybody could see it, and it just slipped out."
Emily: "Guess she wasn't covering for him. I sure hope she survives this little interview."
Hanna: "up, heard from Jason since he ditched us at the hospital?"
Emily: "Yeah, he's in Virginia. Don't worry about it."
Hanna: "Um, okay? , did you tell Paige about how you were almost bisected?"
Emily: "No, but also do you think Paige and Caleb are endangering themselves, through their relentless pursuit of danger?"
Hanna: "Probably, but since they're doing it anyway we might as well get their info from them. Before they die."
Emily: "! What's going on with Caleb and Uncle Dad?"
Hanna: "Caleb's great. Real happy. On the other hand, I think Uncle Dad stole money from a church."
Emily: "Let's stick a pin in that one. There's already a lot going on in this episode."
MORNING FITZPARTMENT
Aria: "Wes! We need to talk! About your unscheduled departure, yes, but... Oh hey, Ezra."
Ezra: "I know! I know, Aria. I got back at 3 this morning, I was just about to call you."
Aria: "You were 'just about' to call me? After weeks of radio silence?"
Ezra: "Okay, so we're doing this now. Got it. Sorry about that."
Yeah you are. And to add insult to injury, you're doing it with an Aria dressed like a failed prototype for a Prince protégée.
Aria: "Just stand there and let me yell at you for a good long time."
Ezra: "It's okay. I literally have no worthwhile reasons for doing that."
Aria: "Like, we're both clingy. Right? And so but then also, people in my life that vanish tend to never come back. Or turn out to be evil. Do you hear what I'm saying?"
Ezra: "Yes, and as I said, I have nothing of worth to say in response. We good?"
Aria: "Yes. But only because I feel guilty about a certain thing."
Ezra: "Was it that thing you were running in here to talk to my brother about?"
Aria: "That was nothing. We uh ruined a carpet, it was a whole... I'm gonna be late for school, but let's have dinner later."
FREE PERIOD
Two things immediately stand out about Ella's empty classroom this period: First of all, somebody has written a Keats poem on the board in what you might generously call a "serial killer-esque" cursive. Not Ella's usual style at all, but given the content (not to be an Aria, but it's worth checking out, FYI) and the context (the second notable thing, which is Spencer lying on a desk staring into space with the dead-eyed unblinking crazy of a girl who's only in school because Melissa is being nosy) it makes sense.
Ella: "Holy shit. Spencer? You look like you have a disease."
Spencer: "Sorry. Just wanted to spend my free period... in the quiet."
Ella: "Where ya been, kiddo?"
Spencer: "Having a bad week. I can leave, if you don't want me hanging around..."
Ella: "Anything you wanna, um, talk about? Because if my husband saw you right now he'd burst into tears about his dead brother."
Spencer: "I sort of tried to eat Mona Vanderwaal."
Ella: "I know. Mr. Horowitz was going to have you suspended, until Mona spoke up in your defense."
Spencer: "Even that seems bitchy to me right now, Mrs. Montgomery."
Ella: "Spence, I've known you almost your entire life. You are a person who bounces back. We have that in common. And I have never ever in my life seen you down like this."
Spencer: "Yeah, well. People change."
She's meant to spit this out, because it's a bitter double statement -- about both her formerly resilient self, and the cause of her current upheaval -- but for some reason this doesn't come across, so when her line is an apology for snapping at her teacher, it's a little distracting.
Ella: "Breakups are terrible. I get it. Know any hot young baristas? That could help."
Spencer: "Dr. Wren."
Ella: "Hoo boy. Gotcha. I think you're gonna be okay. Listen, if you want to hang out here alone, any free period you want, the door's open."
Spencer: "Sincere thanks, Mrs. Montgomery. I appreciate your wise but gentle approach."
Ella: "Wherever Mikey is, I hope he does too."
AFTER SCHOOL
Hanna and Emily appear at Paige's car window just as she's GPSing the Halloween Store, which she stutteringly explains is a solo mission to get Shana to give up info about the Queen of Hearts. Of course, the girls hop right on in the car and head over there with her, because they're both secretly paranoid that Paige is doing gay stuff with Shana, but I submit to you that possibly, as a solo mission, this would have gone better. I mean, we'll see in a second how it goes, but just imagine the possibility that Paige on her own, going to this store to ask its sole employee to go against its regulations, might work out better in the end. But no.
Paige: "Emily, no. The whole point of this is that I'm protecting you."
Emily: "No. Doing things alone is what gets us in trouble. All people all together all the time. No alone. Only mutual. Only in droves."
Paige: "Hanna, are you this hard on Caleb?"
Hanna: "My boyfriend? The one that got shot in the gut by his own gun? Uh, yeah. We've had this talk, Paige."
LOCKER HALL
Aria spots poor crazy Spencer, who ducks away from her and down the hall to the bathroom, where she crouches miserably in a stall while Aria gives a perfectly tearjerking speech through the door: "Come on, open up the door. You're not the only one that could use a little Team Sparia. Ezra's back. Spencer? I know that you don't want a friend right now, but that doesn't mean that your friends don't need you."
I love it. "I just noticed that you have gone batshit insane, now that I have worn everybody else out talking about this." Like have you ever noticed how (older) people only complain about how everybody's always on their phones, or so self-absorbed, or can't stop talking and tweeting about themselves, when what they're really saying is, "Why won't you pay attention to me? Why won't anybody listen to me? It must be a fault in your character or the scourge of technology, despite the fact that I am the common denominator." To which the unsayable but only real answer is, "Be more interesting."
HALLOWEEN STORE
Shana: "God, still with this one costume?"
Paige: "Yeah, this person wore it on the Halloween Train and we tangled. It was a total bloodbath, don't worry about it."
Shana: "I'm Shana, by the way. Paige is being rude."
Paige: "Emily, this is Shana the Weenstore Lady. She is from webisodes. Shana, this is Emily and this is Hanna. They hate you because you are already being weird."
Shana: "Ah, the famous Emily."
Emily: "Yup."
Paige: "So about that costume..."
Shana: "It has come to my attention that I can't give you that information, and also you could do better in the girlfriend department. I would have told you that sooner, but I thought I'd get a chance to see you alone."
Emily: "Listen up, bitch..."
Shana: "Uh, yeah?"
Emily: "...Can I use your restroom, please?"
Hanna drags Paige and Shana over to the Queen of Hearts costumes, and Emily fakes a loop around so she can pull up their financials on the computer and email them to herself.
Hanna: "Wow, this is really pretty! What is this, silk?"
Shana: "No, polyester?"
Hanna Should Say: "I wouldn't know."
Hanna Does Say: "I'm really into fashion!"
Shana: "I don't have time for this."
Hanna: "Oh, but what about this costume here?"
Shana: "That's Little Boy Blue. They're all clearly labeled, so."
Hanna: "Don't you just love this color? It's so blue. It's such a blue blue, isn't it? Quite the blue hue."
Paige: "Hanna. You are acting crazy. This is Paige McCullers telling you this."
Finally the phone rings, and Shana gets back to the register just as Emily's faking her way back out of the bathroom; with a cock of the head she tells Hanna their ad hoc plan has worked perfectly and they peace, Paige still entirely confused about what just happened.
THE BREW
Aria's just studying her like one book they have to read this semester when suddenly the sky darkens and there's the oddest smell, like frightened roses.
Mrs. Fitzgerald: "Aria Montgomery!"
Aria: "Mrs. Fitzgerald. What a horrible surprise. What's the disingenuous cat-and-mouse game of the day, then?"
Mrs. Fitzgerald: "I just wanted to thank you! Whatever you said -- or ahem, did -- it worked. Wesley's come home! He's going back to prep school and won't be hitting on any more teachers."
Aria: "Wait, are you treating me like a person? Cool! I guess one night in my house of horrors really scared the piss out of your son."
Mrs. Fitzgerald: "Wait, what? I was suddenly talking about Ezra somehow."
Aria: "Then I guess you tricked me into admitting he stayed at my house. Which, given you already trumped up some bullshit about me making out with him..."
Mrs. Fitzgerald: "The important thing is that I've never done anything wrong. Can you imagine, a child? In high school? No offense, but no teenager can handle that responsibility, no matter how many poems they love. I'm sure your parents would have done the same."
Aria: "I will say this for Ella and Byron, they respect me enough to involve me in decisions about my life."
Mrs. Fitzgerald: "Well, that explains a lot. Anyway, Ezra probably won't have time for you now that he's got Malcolm on deck. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with that Maggie after all. Or Jackie Morales. Or anybody besides you. Have a great day!"
LIARS MEETING
Hanna: "Good job with those credit card numbers, Caleb will use a computer to hack them or something later on."
Paige: "Do you think Toby would ever cheat on Spencer? Why else would she be this upset, for this long? It's not like anything tragic or terrible or pathetic or sad happens to us, ever. Just rub some dirt on it, you know?"
Hanna: "Toby would not cheat. He has the skills of a Labrador Retriever, and also the bravery, but most of all the loyalty. And for the record, neither would Paige."
Emily, verbatim: "Who said anything about Paige?"
Hanna, verbatim: "Uh, your face?"
HA! Yessssss. So much more Emily and Hanna all the time, please? Emily's like her perfect foil, and very much in need of Hanna's generosity and very honest, demonstrative affection. Plus it means more Team Sparia, which let's be honest.
Emily: "Good one. But I mean, what the hell was that with Shana, right?"
Hanna: "How do you even know Shana's gay? She barely looked at me."
Emily, verbatim: "That's the criteria?"
Hanna: "You didn't see those chicks at the lesbian bar, man. They were in it to win it. Did I tell you about the..."
Emily: "Yeah, yeah. Your milkshake. The pinkdrinks. You did, you did. It was hilarious. Hilarious and oft-told."
Hanna: "Leaving aside my bewitching sensuality for like one second, though, did you ever think that maybe the constant surveillance and neverending torture has made us a little paranoid? If you go around expecting the worst of people, probably that is what you will get. Stands to reason the opposite would also be true."
As though summoned by this speech -- or at least the phrase The Worst -- Aria appears, hurling herself across the room and onto the bed in one morose, glum movement.
Liars: "Annnnnnd here we motherfucking go. Fine. Four letters, starts with E."
LONELY GRILLE
Waitress: "Here is your enormous glass of wine that it took both hands to bring you."
Ashley: "I didn't order this. I mean, I'll drink it, but I didn't order it."
Wilden: "IT WAS ME! You and your wine, Ashley. God, the three of us had some sexy, gross, self-hating times. Didn't we, though?"
Ashley: "I am having dinner alone in public precisely because I don't want any surprises. Get away from my table, or let me call Veronica Hastings so she can join us from space."
Wilden: "I'm here as a friend."
Ashley: "Bitch we are not friends. We are not anything. That was so long ago, do you understand how much shit has happened on this show since then?"
Wilden: "Ahem. As a friend, I am here to implore you to help me keep my job by shutting your daughter the hell up. Besides occasionally extorting sex out of MILFs and constantly arresting little girls for made-up crimes like shovel-finding, I am very good at my job. Rosewood is safer with me detecting than it would be without."
Ashley: "Are you seriously worried about your reputation? Pretty sure knocking up an underage girl and then killing her is like, most of the official Rosewood Men Bucket List. It's a hat trick. Ludicrous."
Wilden: "Just saying, as a friend, that if your daughter doesn't shut up about this stuff, probably I will kill her. And you. After exposing your many crimes, and the sex tape I probably made of us doing it."
Ashley: "Have some of this enormous glass of wine, buddy. You need it. Me, I'm thinking I'll start with the hummus."
WRENFEST @ BREW
Wren: "I do not give up that easily. I was hoping to find you here, at the one place everybody is this week."
Spencer: "Oh good, it's nice to see you. I wanted to apologize for blatantly using you to attack Mona last week. That kind of sucked of me."
Wren: "-- I deserve to be used."
Spencer: "...Go on? Actually, could you say that again? With your little accent?"
Wren: "Spencer I'd be lying if I said I showed up at your door with a semi just purely out of medical interest. Mona told me you broke up with Toby and went crazy and I thought, Well, those are two things I can use to my benefit."
No prob. What, the sexual predator acted like a sexual predator? Come on.
Wren: "Anyway, this whole thing where you left bite marks all over Mona. Is that... Is she the one who came between you and Toby?"
Spencer, heartwrenchingly: "You could say that."
Wren: "Ooh, I just saw a little crazy go by inside your head so, I'm gonna bounce, but uh, anyway, sorry for being my usual incorrigible, sexually dubious self with you. I guess I got what was coming to me, in that you are not the fun and sexy kind of crazy but the stale-sweat and animal-noises kind of crazy."
Spencer: "Don't run so fast, baby. You wanna take this thing out for another spin? I could use a rebound, you are the most stunningly attractive person on Earth, and I'm guessing in another year or so you won't be that into me."
Wren: "Yeah, once they can vote it's like..."
PLS PLS TELL US MORE ABOUT EZRA PLS
Liars: "..."
Aria: "But then I think maybe she was right, you know, Malcolm and Maggie being in the picture changes everything and it's going to be so complicated and..."
Liars: "..."
Aria: "I mean when did my high school relationship go to being minivans and Gogurts like this all of a sudden? I mean..."
Liars: "..."
Aria: "...both in high school technically, insofar that a high school is a building we both were sometimes in, but now this whole thing with the kid and it's like..."
Liars: "..."
Aria: "...Go have dinner with him, and I'm still kinda thinking about Wes and now his mom made me feel all weird, and I don't know, maybe it's..."
Liars: "..."
Aria: "...Just settle down because objectively if you don't count the time I kept this secret from him we really haven't been dealing with this as a couple for all that long and I guess..."
Liars: "..."
Hanna: "-- Hold it, go back. You hooked up with Wes?"
Aria: "Just barely. Just like for two seconds. In my bedroom. About poems."
WREN DATE
Spencer: "It was this beautiful crystal paperweight, with these lavender petals suspended inside. Real tacky shit, but whatever, I was a kid. I stole it."
Wren: "Spencer, I never would have pegged you as a thief. Except for how you're constantly stealing things and getting caught stealing things."
Spencer: "I felt so guilty, as soon as I got home from my Nana's house I buried it in the backyard. Or at least I think I did. I entered a fugue state and don't remember that night. But it's probably still there. Unless it clawed its way to the surface and then got buried again three or four times, in which I case I have no idea where it might turn up. Possibly in Jason's yard, or on a train. Am I talking too much? I'm talking so much."
Wren: "No, it's not that. I just have a job as a medical doctor because I am a grown-up person, so. But listen, I had a lovely night."
Spencer: "I did too."
They kiss. Right there in public. Right there where A can see them, which includes but is by no means limited to "right here in public," since A can see you anywhere at any time.
FITZ V. FITZGERALD
Mom: "[Skree! Skree! Skree-skronk!]"
Ezra: "Shut up, MOM! You're being stupid, MOM!"
Mom: "[Hee-honk! Skabitzbobble!]
Ezra: "Tell my mom how stupid she's being, Aria! Because she IS! You ARE, MOM!"
Mom: "Oh great. Hey, Aria. Why don't you tell my son to go ahead and suck a dick?"
Ezra: "Get out of this house! Out of my studio apartment! Stop paying for things! Stop paying for everything, MOM! I love Aria, MOM! Deal with it!"
Mom: "And you know what else, Aria? You're in the way now. Fair warning. I have a grandson. I realize I didn't give a shit about that for seven years, but now that it's unavoidable, I realized this may be the only shot I get."
There's a very stressful moment where you think he's about to make her take her presents she got for the kid, too, which would be heartbreaking and would piss me off because I'd have to sympathize with horrible Mrs. Fitzgerald, but no. He's saving them to throw in the trash later, like a petty little bitch.
Ezra: "I know you had a key made, MOM! Hand it over RIGHT NOW! And CALL first before you come over, which also DON'T DO!"
Aria: "...I see now that there are two sides to every story. But since part of your shit fit was about how much you love me, I'm willing to ignore the one billion red flags you just waved in my face. Get over here and kiss me, my tiny boneyard martinet."
FIELDS
Paige: "Any idea why Shana got in trouble for emailing confidential information?"
Emily: "Come right in. And duh, it was me. I needed to find out the info."
Paige: "But that was a person's job! In this economy!"
Emily: "Way I see it, if we don't find A she's eventually going to end up dead anyway, just like everybody else. Did she get fired? No. So what is the fucking problem."
Paige: "Is this a Mona thing? Hey, did she kill that cop on that train that time while wearing the Queen of Hearts costume?"
Emily: "No, it was a dude, and anyway you need to quit. This is bigger than Mona. She's possibly working for somebody else, Red Coat. We thought it was CeCe Drake for about a minute, but that's patently ludicrous."
Paige: "Why didn't you tell me?"
Emily: "Why don't I ever tell you anything, ever? Why didn't you and Caleb tell us about your useless B-Team thing that never went anywhere? Exactly. Because I was being awesome. And now I'm being honest. Your turn."
Paige: "The truth is ... I am a lunatic."
Emily: "No, be honest about something we don't already know and is obvious."
Paige: "Oh, you mean Shana? We hooked up, no big deal. For three weeks, while you were in Haiti."
(What?)
Emily: "Jacob, duh. Remember how Maya died and I left for like six months and when I came back I was a crazy alcoholic?"
(Kind of? It's all kind of a blur because you started in with the amnesia like, the night you got back. Were there like long conversations about this that I don't remember? Did she build houses? I feel like she built houses. Unless I'm thinking of Jimmy Carter.)
Paige: "If it weren't for Haiti, we never would have roofied each other. And that turned out great. So listen, sorry I didn't tell you about it, but I figured you had a lot going on and I didn't want to add one more straw to the camel's back. Like, okay, you can handle being drowned and sexually assaulted and me ruining a cupcakes-and-hats party, but what if I dated a Halloween Store employee? What then?"
Emily: "God, I love you so much. You know exactly what crazy shit to spout. You're right, it's best for you to lie to me about things."
Paige: "But only when I think it's appropriate, like last year, or at the beginning of this conversation, a few seconds ago."
Emily: "Promise?"
Paige: "I promise."
SOBER, ASHLEY
Makes her way out to the car. It's never made clear why she is on this little date with herself, or why on earth she randomly decided not to have a drink, but a lady should always retain a little mystery. Even when it's for herself.
Ashley: "So why did we go to this expense of having a lonely dinner in public, without even a book to read? The only situation that bums nearby diners out even more than that?"
Ashley: "Girl, I don't know. Sometimes you want the fairytale, sometimes you just want to stare openly at people while you devour a salad all on your lonesome."
Ashley: "Hanna, I just got the shit creeped out of me by Detective Wilden, who is now threatening you and me both. I didn't even drink with dinner, and now I have the shakes. Where are you? I'm driving home right now, but it could be a while because I'm taking the Dead Man's Curve route that goes through the Haunted Woods."
HASTINGS
Spencer comes home, freshly kissed by the latest in hot pedophile professionals.
Melissa: "Whoa, you almost look showered. What got you out of bed?"
Spencer: "Oh, you know. Fresh air. Mental health. New perspective."
Melissa: "I know it's none of my business -- you know, beyond the fact that he's one of multiple fiancés of mine that you've hooked up with -- but No Company is better than Bad Company."
Spencer: "Meaning?"
Melissa: "That cologne all over you? I bought it for Wren."
So you're saying he's a bad dude? There's something sketchier about him than the fact that he has hit on half the teenage girls on this show and broken literally every single regulatory guideline in the history of healthcare, at this point? GREAT. That's Spencer's catnip, and she'll probably find a way to spin this warning into you being jealous, so, if you could please, Melissa: Leave it at that. Why say explicitly today what you can vaguely refer to tomorrow, as the saying goes. When somebody darkly and scarily warns you not to date somebody, I suggest you just let that slide and find out for yourself. A lot of times those butterflies just can't survive the extra data, you know what I mean?
FITZ
Ezra: "...And these toys for sure are going in the garbage. Fuck that kid, he doesn't need fun soft animal toys. At least not as much as I need to be super petty and childish."
Aria: "Tantrum's not a great look on you. Shouldn't you at least give that stuff to Goodwill? (Where your son at least has a shot at them? Boom! Poverty zinger!)"
Ezra: "He doesn't even know he's my kid yet, where's the finesse? You can't just start giving children presents right away, they see through that. To truly seduce an innocent, you must begin with compliments, gestures. Perhaps a poem about a jukebox."
Aria: "Hey, as long as we don't have to watch Chinatown who cares if that kid's happy."
Ezra: "It's a really good movie! Faye Dunaway plays basically Alison DiLaurentis, if Alison were just a tad more unlucky."
Aria: "I hate art and culture! Just kidding."
Ezra: "You're such a little bratty-watty. Let's make grocery-bag masks and watch cartoons and be horrible... Wait, it's a phone call. Hey, buddy! It's my buddy Maggie. Maggie, what's up, bro? Oh for real? Okay let me just kick my girlfriend out real quick."
Aria: "Um, movie night? Happening all around you?"
Ezra: "My mother has apparently decided to sell the condo where Maggie and that child live. What a bitch!"
Aria: "For doing exactly what you stomped your foot and demanded she do?"
Ezra: "I just meant the bad parts, like my responsibility to the family and getting sound advice about not fucking children! Not the parts where all of us are living off of her, those I deserve!"
SOME LONELY DEATH ROAD
Darren Wilden pulls Ashley over at the scariest part of the scariest road outside the scariest town of America, and immediately starts violating her rights.
Wilden: "Have you been drinking, ma'am?"
Ashley: "Uh, you sat there and watched me not drink a huge inviting glass of pinot."
Wilden: "I saw alcohol on your table, so."
Ashley: "Is this one of those Rosewood laws, like finding a shovel? Or are you just straight-up abusing this situation already?"
Wilden: "Get out of the car please, madam."
Ashley: "Uh, your face?"
He drags her out in front of her car, so that her back and his face are both plainly visible to his onboard video camera, which... He gets pretty rough with her, threatening her to shut Hanna up, more of the same, and eventually she just calls bullshit and heads back to the car.
Wilden: "You know how I keep menacing Pastor Ted? If I tell everything I know about you, that will be the least important thing you lose. You stole from an old lady, you misplaced an architect-imposter..."
Ashley: "Don't you fuckin' threaten me, you ageless dreamboat. Threatening a child? How do you live with yourself?"
Wilden: "It's hard! I can't sleep sometimes! I killed a person in self-defense and possibly your daughter's best friend also!"
By this time she's behind the wheel, and revving the engine to make him get out of the way, but in a pathetic attempt to control the situation male-privilege style, still screaming about how he's going to kill Hanna, he reaches for his weapon. And so it is that Ashley Marin hits the gas, sending Darren high into the sky with a glorious thump. She does not turn back and she does not waver: At the end of this long road, there is a cabinet. And in that cabinet is the booze. And in that booze, she will find... oblivion.
DRAKE
Emily: "CeCe Drake, why are you putting all your stuff in that suitcase? Why are you rushing around so, CeCe Drake?"
CeCe Drake: "I am getting the hell on up outta here. I got abducted by a cop this morning, dude. It was like Brokedown Palace, I don't have time for that shit. And by the way, thanks for telling everybody on earth about my connection to the..."
Emily: "CeCe Drake, my point exactly. Why didn't you tell us about how you were there in that picture that Jason found and subsequently lost immediately and then disappeared?"
CeCe Drake: "Emily, come on. I lie about everything. You're asking the wrong questions. I got scared, because I felt like my theory that Wilden knocked Ali up and killed her was being proven true. Even for Wilden, he's acting sketchy."
Emily: "So why not turn him in? A common-sense thing most people would do, but a thing also that my friends and I never do."
CeCe Drake: "To what, to one of his buddies on the force? I'm so sure Rosewood PD has an Internal Affairs department. They barely have an External Affairs department from what I can tell..."
Emily: "Apropos of nothing, did you know Jason DiLaurentis spotted you in Ali's yard one time?"
CeCe Drake: "Son of a bitch. When would that be?"
Emily: "I will give you three guesses."
CeCe Drake: "Ali called me, freaking out because the entire NAT Club cohort was at her house, beating on her door like zombies and runnin' around the yard all crazy, demanding these various creepy videos she had."
Emily: "Whom would you say was most emphatic, in your recollection, about these videos?"
CeCe Drake: "Oh, by far the Black Swan. Melissa begged me to intervene, and I talked Ali to going to get the tapes, and then she vanished."
Emily: "For my third and final non sequitur pivot, who took the picture of you three blond perverts on that boat?"
CeCe Drake: "As random as that question is, also Melissa. Everything is Melissa this episode. She hasn't been the flavor of the week since like, before the whole Toby thing, so it was probably about time."
UPSTAIRS SAUNA
Spencer, I don't know if you know this but Spencer's having a rough time lately. She crawls upstairs to her parents' high-tech robotic shower sauna spa space vehicle, turns the steam up to "relatively steamy," and settles down for a nice schvitz. But at some point, A manages to wedge a plunger in the glass door, trapping her, and then hack the robot mind of the robot shower, setting it to "kill." A setting, I would suggest, we don't really need in our robot showers.
Nobody's around, we do a graceful little tour of the quiet Hastings home to confirm nobody's around, and Spencer realizes that -- while life has of late had its ups and downs -- ultimately she would like to live. Or at least not die in such a humiliatingly Hannah Horvath fashion. Rousing herself to alertness, she bashes at the door, calling again and again for her scary-ass sister, but just as Spencer's noting the steam-written A message on the mirror -- Get steamy with Wren, get steamy with me! -- it's Aria who busts in there, handily saving the day by taking three steps and unjamming the plunger.
Two things: First of all, still worth it. I could handle a fair amount of time in the bain-marie knowing that was market price for some Wren action. Negligible, really. And second, any other scenario you'd be looking at a lawsuit that would, at the least, allow Spencer's parents to come visit every now and again. In Rosewood? We're just happy to come out of there alive. Lobster-ruddy and pruned up to all hell, but alive.
MARIN
Hanna comes home to Ashley drinking, alone at the kitchen table. Nothin' new there, but she rarely does it in the dark. Mostly when she's feeling like Marion Crane, like when she embezzles, or mugs old ladies, or fucks cops, which is how she's feeling tonight.
Hanna: "Gah! That was so scary! Turn on a light, man!"
Ashley: "Hanna, I may have... Killed Detective Wilden. I might have done that."
Hanna: "And the problem would be?"
Ashley: "Listen, I'm tits up. Can you drive me back to the scene of my homicide to check it out?"
HASTINGS
Aria: "I'm just glad I got your text!"
Spencer: "That I sent between scenes, apparently."
Aria: "I mean, who would I talk to about Ezra? I'd be down to 66.6% of my audience. That's an F, Spencer. F for Aria."
Spencer: "Listen, this was... Look, this was revenge. For hooking up with Wren."
Aria: "SWEET. But wait, why would Mona care about that?"
Spencer thinks about it for a long time. Her shoulders drop when she decides; maybe it's because she is exhausted, but maybe it's because it's a relief. Both, really.
Spencer: "Can you call Hanna and Emily? We need to have a meeting."
Aria: "Is it about Ezra?"
Spencer: "I know who's helping Mona."
Aria and Spencer stare at each other for about ten minutes, and it's weird but I don't think on purpose. I mean, I guess maybe Aria could be thinking, "Shit, she knows!" which would be great, or, "I knew this was about Ezra," which seems more and more likely. But mostly I think they are just staring and feeling spooky feelings: Spencer because she's about to lay down a massive burden and open herself up to all that shame she's been avoiding about being had, and Aria because she's about to lose control of the conversation and have to talk about something other than herself.
SCARY ROAD
Ashley: "Hanna, thanks for driving me to this abandoned scary road where I killed a person, because I can barely stand up straight. But this part, I should probably do alone."
Hanna: "What part is that? What actually is your aim here?"
Ashley: "I guess bury his body? Or... I don't know. Definitely not do anything with the police car footage of me killing him, from before, or the police car footage of us standing around the crime scene, in a minute."
The cop car is still there, with the door open and the lights going, but there is no Darren Wilden. Where did he go? The Marins are stumped. I'd imagine that he has gone off into the woods and run afoul of the A-Team, but that could just be blind optimism. I do love me some Detective Wilden, I'm not gonna lie. But in case he is dead, I will tell you my favorite memory of him: It was the moment I realized that at least one of the sets on Popular was painted a particular shade of blue purely to set off his eyes. I think about that a lot, still, because it was the first time I ever really realized that TV is also art, and that people were doing cool things on my favorite shows that I wasn't even noticing, and that maybe a little humility -- more openness to the story being told, rather than my desires for the story being told -- would, in the long run, help me notice and enjoy more stuff like that.
A-TAG
A brutally chops the heads off four roses, clipping them into one of those huge godawful wreaths you only see in the Winner's Circle and cop funerals, and sometimes Mardi Gras, while "Steam Heat" plays on vinyl. A bit self-congratulatory, A, and a little on the nose. But just a little.
WEEK
Emily's not loving Spencer's latest revelation, so she puts herself merrily in A's hands. Hanna's all about dealing with Lady Leadfoot over here. And Aria... Is it possible to feel sibling rivalry with your boyfriend's kid and if so, does that make you both disgusting?
Check out possible spoilers for the February 26 episode and find out what all those visions of Ali could really mean from our friends at Wetpaint.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, Zero Hour, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.