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Spencer's madness starts to get more understandable when A threatens the other Liars' safety if she doesn't keep Toby's secret... But by the time she's got Hot Andrew (!) in a heated private game of strip poker for her position on the Academic Decathlon team, you start to notice that Crazy Spencer is, in many ways, way less crazy than Original Spencer.
Sister Melissa cockblocks that attempt, but it inspires some kind of confidence in Hot Andrew such that he spends the rest of the episode wearing some very tailored and flattering clothing and posing all around the place. It is excellent. Even more excellent is how Dr. Wren shows up out of nowhere, sending Melissa into apoplexy, to escort Spencer around and generally try and talk her down from this new ledge of crazy she's found herself stranded on. She drags him to an Aca Deca event several towns away, then abruptly goes absolute ham on Mona in front of everybody, in a beautiful frenzy.
What is most amazing about Mona Vanderwaal's hyperreality matrix powers is that somehow people feel sympathy for her. I mean it, that's a legitimate storyline on this show, how the people of Rosewood can look at Spencer throttling the shit out of Mona and be like, "How weird, why would Spencer bear her such ill will?"
Hanna forces Caleb and his father to reconcile, and then forces Ashley to get Pastor Ted to give Caleb's father a job, and then immediately realizes that Caleb's father is a hot blue-collar drifter with an agenda. And that agenda is to steal small sums of money from the church poorbox. Oh, Jamie Whatever Guy, I can't go for that. No can do.
CeCe offers Aria a job photographing all of her Tresemmé products, which is such a large task that she drags poor homeless Wesley Fitzgerald along for the ride. After a ridiculous amount of time spent solving a "red wine on white Muppet-skin carpet" problem, they head back to Aria's for a mortifying little poetry recitation that ends with, of course, smooches. Because any mouth that can spurt Edna St. Vincent Millay at you on demand is a mouth worth kissing.
Of course, the idea of anybody dating anybody remotely appropriate on this show threatens the existence of the universe as we know it, so they blush and run to their corners -- but what was CeCe's point in scheming them together in the first place? One assumed it would result in an A attack, but no. Just some gaywad poetics and then a li'l kissin'. Did I miss something?
Emily and Jason spend the episode looking for some picture that proves CeCe and Alison and Wilden all got each other pregnant that time at Cape May, and they find it, while Jason explains that he is pretending to be allied with Mona but only because he is appalled at the things that keep happening to his sister's corpse. His point is strengthened but not proven after A leaves like a billion beers on his porch, which is kind of rude to do to a person who has come so far in his journey out of crippling marijuana addiction and into the light.
Then somehow Jason ends up plummeting to his death in an elevator, which I guess really does prove his point but then he's not dead -- the picture is just gone. I guess while he was coming back from plummeting to his death in an elevator, somebody retrieved it from his reviving corpse. Spencer meets up with the Liars at his bedside, apologizes for acting crazy but not in a way where it seems likely she is going to stop acting crazy, and then Jason disappears.
I really don't know what is going on with these people, these NAT Club people. CeCe Drake is doing weird freelance-photography schemes on people, Jason is apparently just as magical and indestructible as his many crazy sisters both dead and alive, Alison's back in town constantly running into everybody even though they have buried that bitch 87 times... It's a very exciting time to try to understand what is actually happening on this show.
Week: Spencer tells the Liars about Toby, maybe, but only after being near murdered by a robot shower, and also somebody gets hit by a car, so I guess week is when the A-Team decides to revisit some classic A stuff. I really hope the suddenly appearing origami boats come back, that was the best one. Or the necklace of human teeth. I don't know that it would be as surprising the second time you receive a necklace of human teeth from an anonymous admirer. Actually you know what, it might make it even more surprising, the second time. It's like that old joke:
Q: "What's more of a surprise than a necklace made of human teeth?"
A:: "Two human-tooth necklaces, several months apart."
PREVIOUSLY
Spencer is losing her mind, now that she knows for sure Toby is a full member of the A-Team and probably never loved her at all -- and now that Mona's taken over her role as queen of the Academic Decathlon and is engineering her further downfall. Hanna's obsessed with reconnecting Caleb with his hot werewolf father. Aria's penchant for hanging around Ezra's apartment stepped itself up a notch when his hot little brother decided he was gonna hang around there too. Emily managed to figure out that Alison got knocked up by Detective Wilden in Cape May -- although it was Spencer who bitchily told their brother Jason about it -- and randomly figured out that there's an entire team of As, and that they're being led by Red Coat Girl.
AFTER AP ENGLISH
Liars: "I wonder if Spencer is even coming to school today."
Hanna: "Well, nobody's bleeding or running away..."
Aria: "Just ignore her. Give her space. Or find Toby. Whatever it takes to stop talking about her and get back to me over here."
Emily: "Or maybe we should be nice to her because she has lost her damn mind."
Hanna: "She needs to work through this pain! To become strong!"
Aria: "I don't even understand the words you're using right now."
Hanna: "Yeah. I know. Think of it this way, you think that bitch would miss school on a whim?"
Emily: "...Oh my God, I'm going over there."
Aria: "Tell her about Red Coat Chick. She works best when solving riddles, give her Ravenclaw mind something to do."
Emily: "That was actually really insightful, Aria."
Aria: "Whatever it takes to shut you guys up about her."
Hanna: "Don't forget to tell her I also saw Red Coat Girl."
Liars: "Do what now?"
Hanna: "Yeah, that time I was called in for a pretend interview and nearly murdered by mannequins in that abandoned boutique, Red Coat was totally chilling outside watching me. Did I not mention that?"
Spencer: "But Hot Andrew! I was practicing for academic decathlon on my own!"
Hot Andrew: "That is not how that works. There is no 'alone' in 'team.'"
Spencer: "I'm gonna disagree with you on that one, across the board, but also -- I'm Spencer Hastings! I guarantee you my regimen was more stringent!"
Hot Andrew: "See, the thing is that without a team, academic decathlon is just you going crazy. They don't have a league for just Weird People Knowing Things. Go be on Jeopardy! if that's your bag. We took a vote."
Spencer: "Well, I am definitely stalking the team to Lewisburg tonight. Get some last-minute clutch action. If there's anything I can do to prove I'm not out of my... Hang on."
Spencer barks in Mona's face, like, as a spitty aside. Mona can't believe it! And by "can't believe it" I mean, "Eats it up with a spoon looking fabulous."
Spencer: "As I was saying..."
Hot Andrew: "Yeah, we're done here."
Emily: "Heeeey, crazy. Can we chat?"
Spencer: "No, I have to go put on lipstick that goes around and around my mouth until it has covered up my whole face."
Emily: "Later, then?"
Spencer: "There is no later. There is only the Now of Wolf Thought."
Spencer puts on some sunglasses, the better to look an utter mess, but scratched on the inside of the lenses it says, "YOU RAT OUT T, I TAKE DOWN 1 OF YOUR 3. - A." Notably, the "a" in "rat" and "take" remains uncapitalized. Is that a clue to another A? Anyway, Spencer's real-life tragedy now lines up with the heightened-reality thing in a soothing way: The best thing about this show, always: Science-fiction ghost-slut metaphor making the internal external.
She can't talk to them about Toby because she's in pain, like a feral animal in a cave, but she can't talk to them about the Why of Toby because they will die. Classic PLL move, all the more notable for the slow burn it took to get there. Now when she goes running off, it could be because she's hurting too much to be a friend -- but we know it's also because of that.
LIARS
Aria: "Let's shake down the teacher who coaches the team."
Hanna: "Is that not Hot Andrew? Are you suggesting that Hot Andrew is our same age?"
Aria: "Bored with Spencer's problems. Just in the time you said that. Hey, why are you MapQuesting Amish Country? Or in fact MapQuesting anything?"
Hanna: "I'm trying to find out which stable Uncle Jamie works at."
Aria: "Oh because I thought you were shopping for an Amish horse. What's this about Caleb again?"
Hanna: "I think his uncle might actually be his..."
Aria: "Oh right. Who cares, shut up about that. Oh look, Ezra's mom is calling me."
Hanna, verbatim: "Ew!"
Aria: "Mrs. Fitzgerald! Ruined any families lately? Sold any of your kids out? ...No, no certainly I have not been hanging out with Wesley. Good day."
Hanna: "How come she thinks you're hanging out with Wes at Ezra's house?"
Aria: "I totally am, for starters. Shut up about that, I am calling CeCe Drake in the middle of this conversation."
Aria: "CeCe Drake! Worn any red coats lately? And by any chance do you think I'm more sophisticated than my peers?"
Hanna: "Ask her about this TV show we're on!"
Aria: "Oh, right. CeCe Drake, do you remember when Darren Wilden got your best friend pregnant on vacation?"
CeCe Drake: "Oh, totally. She fucked that entire fraternity that summer. Listen, I have to go. Somebody's coming to my boutique to take pictures of all my Tresemmé products, and that shit is gonna take all day."
HASTINGS
Hot Andrew: "Spencer, can I be all up in your biz at your house?"
Spencer: "Sure, I was just drinking vermouth. Come right in. Hey, you weren't the swing vote, by any chance?"
Hot Andrew: "Spencer, war is a game that must be played with a smile."
Spencer: "Oh my God, stop quoting Mona Vanderwaal."
Hot Andrew: "Uh, that was Winston Churchill."
Spencer: "Um, okay Aria."
Spencer: "Hot Andrew, I'll make you a deal. We will do some practice rounds, right here in my house where I live all alone without any supervision."
Hot Andrew: "Go on, what's the catch."
Spencer: "It will be Strip Aca Deca. We will have sex at the end. And you will put me back on the team."
Hot Andrew: "Cool. I am cool with that. That seems not at all sketchy to me."
AMISH HORSE LANDING
Uncle Jamie: "Marin, what are you doing."
Hanna: "Is this not the Farmer's Market?"
Jamie: "No. And I'm not dumb, and neither are you. What's the score?"
Hanna: "Are you by any chance the father of Caleb Rivers?"
Jamie: "Yeah. You're a regular Nancy Drew. But did you turn up the fact that I just got out of jail? Because I am a thief?"
Hanna: "Great, well I'm sure that won't bite me in the ass later today."
NAKED HOT ANDREW
Is Happening. We are Go for that.
Emily: "Hey guys! I brought cupcakes. And cockblocking aplenty."
Hot Andrew: "I gotta cover all this up and get outta here!"
Spencer: "God damn you, Emily Fields."
God damn you, Emily Fields.
Emily: "Wait, were you seducing your way back onto the team?"
Spencer: "Yeah, until you dicked it all up."
Emily: "I have more pressing matters on my life than your obsessive competition with Mona Vanderwaal. Like for example, what are you going to do about ruining Jason's whole life by telling him a cop knocked up his kid sister? And how does screwing Hot Andrew fix the Toby situation?"
Spencer: "Emily, you gorgeous idiot, have you seen that dude? I'm pretty sure screwing him would fix the Rwanda situation. But now we'll never know."
Emily: "Well, if I can't ruin that further, maybe I'll work the other end and go bother Toby about it. Cupcakes and do-rags, that should do the trick..."
Spencer: "NO! You cannot involve yourself in the Toby situation, either."
Emily: "I'm friends with him too, Spencer."
Spencer: "SINCE WHEN?"
Spencer: "We, the Liars, we are no longer Toby's friends."
Emily: "That is not and has never been PLL bro code. We are always friends with each other's exes. Until they turn up dead, I mean."
Spencer: "This is a special case that I cannot explain to you."
Emily: "Why, because I wouldn't understand loss? Betrayal? Do-rags? I am in a committed relationship with Paige McCullers, lady. I have experienced all those things in the last twenty-four hours."
Emily: "Did you forget the part where my girlfriend was abducted, tortured, terrorized, imprisoned and eventually murdered? Or the time I fully stabbed a guy? I can handle some dark shit, Hastings, and you'd better remember that. You don't have the monopoly on pain. Besides Aria, we've all felt it. And we get through it because we have each other. And the other Liars and I are not interested in sitting around watching you turn into..."
Spencer: "Into somebody other than Spencer Hastings? Because check out my track record on that one. Please, just ... Get good with this, Emily. This is the new me."
Her voice is horrible, rough, ugly, sad, scary. Emily looks punched in the gut.
FITZCOMMON FITZCHILDREN'S FITZPARTMENT
Aria: "So you're moving out. Our little idyll wasn't meant to last forever, one suppo... Hey, are you throwing away an entire saucepan?"
Wesley: "I'm just a young man, I do not know the ways of oatmeal. Nor of the heart. Awkward segue in three, two, one... My mother has known I was here since this morning."
Aria: "Wait, so why did she call me and ask?"
Wesley: "Poor public-school urchin. You do not know ours ways. This was a classic WASP-bitch two-fer. Obviously it's so she now she can tell Ezra you're a liar, and insinuate we're nonstop doing it in his own bed."
Aria: "Your mom's a cunt."
Wesley: "Are you just getting this memo? Anyway, I'm running away to Spain. Or Halifax."
Aria: "I hear they're getting close to a cure for vampirism up there. Listen, why don't you just stay here anyway? I don't really have any friends. That are cute boys."
Wesley: "Speaking of your boyfriend, he's been going to his son's soccer games, with Alex Mack..."
Aria: "Shut up about that, I'm getting a call."
Aria: "CeCe Drake, what's up? Do you need me to come take pictures of all your Tresemmé products? I can bring my cute friend who is a boy but is not my boyfriend."
Wesley: "Yeah, that sounds more fun than sleeping in my car. But just this one freelance photography job, and then it's Halifax or bust."
OPERATION UNCLEFATHER
Caleb: "You really have just stuck yourself right in the middle of this one, huh?"
Hanna: "You don't know it yet, but you don't really have any options here. I'm kind of relentless. Need I mention, also, your secret club with Paige to get yourselves murdered?"
Caleb: "That's a valid comparison, actually. Not in every way, but in some ways."
Hanna: "Great, so we'll have coffee. I will chaperone."
Caleb: "Hanna."
Hanna: "...I will supervise."
Caleb: "A lot of fucked-up things have happened to you. But one thing you don't know about is what it's like to get Aunt Petuniaed. You don't know my kind of resentment, you've never been in the foster care system."
(Ashley: "Yeah, that's what the 'functioning' part of 'functioning alcoholic' means.")
Hanna: "Then I'm going without you."
Caleb: "Fine."
Hanna: "FINE."
SOME KIND OF MJ AA
Jason sits alone in a circle of chairs, working the Program.
Jason: "My name is Jason, and I used to smoke pot."
Jason: "Hi, Jason."
Emily: "Sorry to interrupt, um, all of this..."
Jason: "Take five, guys."
Emily: "I um, I wanted to talk to you about something. I don't know if you remember, but the other night..."
Jason: "Oh right, that cop that statutory raped my dead sister? Yeah, that's been on my mind."
Emily: "Because like we're always fond of saying, just because CeCe Drake says something doesn't mean it's true. Even though it totally always is."
Jason: "Wait, this is a CeCe Drake thing? Shit, and here I am back on the wagon."
Emily: "You see, it all started with a picture of a fish. Frat guys with a fish."
Jason: "On a boat?"
Emily: "Yeah? Like, they were fishing, so..."
Jason: "Because I randomly just remembered a picture I saw one time of Alison on a boat. Does that ever happen to you?"
Emily: "Girl, constantly."
Jason: "Anyway I already called Wilden and left him a little message about this."
Emily: "You're new to this game so let me just skip to the end. We need to go find that random picture of Alison on a boat one time."
Jason: "How will that help?"
Emily: "In the long run, not at all. Short term, one of us will get attacked by someone in a black hoodie."
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Do you want some lemon juice on your broccoli? I've found it really brings out the horribleness."
Dr. Wren: "Pip pip! Any Hastings ladies in the hizz? Show me them crumpets."
Melissa: "Flip you for it. Wait, why is Dr. Wren here?"
Spencer: "Apparently when a pretty girl goes crazy it works like a pheromone. Hot dudes from the area have been showing up all day long."
Dr. Wren: "It's a jolly 'oliday indeed!"
Spencer: "Have you ever noticed how bizarre that song is? It's just Mary Poppins singing about what a cool bro the chimney sweep is because he never tried to rape her."
Melissa: "You know what, I have to go to a Mystic Falls Festival of some kind. I'm missing one right now actually, but the one that is in six seconds I cannot miss. Wren, you're good to babysit?"
Dr. Wren: "I got a call from somebody that said you have lost your damn mind, and since I now work in the mental health industry I thought I should come by. And have sex with you."
Spencer: "What are your thoughts on electroconvulsive therapy?"
Dr. Wren: "Never on the first date! Boom! But seriously, are you crazy?"
Spencer: "I am fucking out of my tits, Dr. Wren. But don't worry about it."
Dr. Wren: "This is not the first time I have seen a young lady of Rosewood take a hard left like this. If you're unraveling, I want a front-row seat."
Spencer, awesomely: "What is the crisis, really? That I took my bra off at four in the afternoon? Please tell Emily that I don't need supervision."
Dr. Wren: "Let's get back to that, for sure. But no, this wasn't a panicked Emily call."
Spencer: "Did Emily tell Hanna? About the sex-for-team trade?"
Dr. Wren: "No. And don't even ask about Aria. We both know she doesn't give a shit. Or even know who I am."
Spencer: "Well, that's everybody I knoooowait. This is Moondoggie, isn't it. Tell me Mona fucking Vanderwaal put you up to this."
Dr. Wren: "Moondoggie's worried about you, Spencer. And she is, we can admit, the local expert on what we in the medical field call 'acting cray-cray.' Just think, if somebody had noticed she was entering a hyperadrenalized superreality..."
You can actually hear a tiny crack in Spencer's braincase as she finds a way to become even more crazy and hatch an even weirder crazier plan than just hanging around all day, answering the door armed with just a surfeit of American History trivia and no bra on.
Spencer, shifty-eyed: "You know what, that was really thoughtful. Good ol' Moondoggie, good lookin' out. Hey, you know what would be really therapeutic? Take me on a date. Just you, a grown-up man, and me, a child in a vulnerable state, getting dinner and a movie out of town, alone."
Dr. Wren: "I got my medical degree from a cereal box so that sounds normal to me."
Spencer: "Have you seen that movie Academic Decathlon Regionals? They're showing it at a high school in Lewisburg. It's gonna look just like a regular Academic Decathlon that I'm not allowed to go to, but just trust me."
PRE-BREW
Hanna: "Well, I guess Caleb's not coming to this date I set him up on that he said he wasn't coming to..."
Caleb, appearing: "No, I'm coming. Ever since Aria got up in my biz at that nighttime half-marathon to raise money for no particular cause, I've had a daddy-sized hole in my heart."
MID- BREW
Caleb: "Ssssooooo he's not coming. Way to churn up a bunch of shit and then kick me in the nuts about it, Hanna."
Hanna: "Perhaps he simply forgot what day it was, despite the fact we made this plan mere hours ago."
Caleb: "One time he split on me with a babysitter and eventually she called the cops because he was gone so long."
Hanna: "I been there, boo."
Caleb: "Have you really?"
Hanna: "No. Like in spirit, though."
(Ashley: "Motherhood. Crushin' it.")
BOUTIQUE LA BRUCE
Aria: "You know what would really set off these Tresemmé products is something round. A little tarnished, like an old teapot."
CeCe: "Jesus Christ. You couldn't shut it off if you tried, could you? What a horrible life."
Aria: "Wesley, go find a teapot. Or something tarnished. Like your academic career, or our dead best friend's virtue. Quick like an Instagram."
CeCe: "So, that's the tiny one. Is the big one just as hot?"
Aria: "I don't think of Wesley that way. And also, Ezra is if anything smaller, pound-for-pound. Ezra... Pound. I am hilarious. Thought Catalog, you missed a rocketship with this girl."
CeCe: "All I know is, you're pathetic. Why are you here taking teapot pictures on a Friday night, when most girls your age are being stalked around Rosewood by silent killers, or harassing their boyfriends into having coffee with estranged relatives, or taking grown-up doctors on pretend dates in other towns or across state lines?"
Aria: "My relationship is fine, CeCe Drake. Do you really think I'd be doing something particularly awesome if Ezra were still in town? Is that really how you see me rolling?"
CeCe: "But I mean, look at this hot piece. Are you that twisted by your dad's misdeeds that you're unable to find age-appropriate people attractive?"
Wesley: "I didn't find a teapot, but I did find some really cool stuff! Have you guys ever heard of Pogz?"
CeCe: "I'm going to go get dinner for all of us. I will be gone a make out amount of time. I haven't gotten to big-sister anybody into terrible decisions since I talked Alison DiLaurentis into pulling a train with Darren Wilden's entire fraternity and getting knocked up, and then murdered a bunch of times. I have missed this so much, you guys!"
POST-BREW
Hanna: "Yeah, this blows. Hey, can you just put this coffee in a to-go box?"
Server: "That is not how coffee works, Hanna Marin."
Uncle Jamie: "I'm here! Wolves don't understand the interstate."
Hanna: "I'm gonna take a piss."
Uncle Jamie: "That's a keeper right there."
DILAURENTIS HOUSE
Every horizontal surface on the entire front elevation of Jason's house is covered in thousands of bottles of booze. It's not the sudden-origami trick, but in terms of time and money spent it's similarly impressive.
Jason: "I guess my sobriety is not as much of a priority for the A-Team that is torturing us as it is for me."
Emily: "Maybe this is Wilden. On that cop's salary I'm sure he would do something like this."
Jason: "I'm going to go ahead and act like this is the most messed-up thing that has ever happened to any of us, even though it's not really even in the top ten things of just today."
WREN DATE
Dr. Wren: "Are we actually crossing state lines at this point? Because we've been driving since early afternoon."
Spencer: "Shut up and drive, you unearthly beautiful monster."
BOUTIQUE
Wesley: "Oops, I spilled a random bottle of red wine all over this white shag carpet."
Aria: "Let me just rub that in real good."
Wesley: "Maybe that adult shouldn't have allowed us -- two of the most entitled, sheltered children in this entire town -- to be alone in her place of business."
Aria: "Yeah, I'm getting nervous without supervision. I wonder if she'll ever come back?"
Wesley: "What possible agenda could she have in leaving the two of us here? Alone? Together? With this teapot and these Tresemmé products?"
Aria: "Knowing that I long for your touch -- or that of your relatives?"
HAUNTED DILAURENTIS OFFICES
Jason: "Yes, that random picture of Ali on a boat is here somewhere, at my dad's spooky abandoned office. I remember she made a collage for our dad one time, to apologize for skinning his cat in the backyard while it was still alive. She could be really sweet sometimes."
Emily: "As a lesbian, I'm still very concerned about your sobriety. Who'd do such a thing?"
Jason: "You know who would do that is, Alison."
Emily: "Are you hanging out with her a lot lately, even though she is dead? Like a lot. Because if so, we really all should compare notes about our experiences with that otherwise relatively uncommon occurrence."
Jason: "That's really interesting and we should talk about it. But we won't."
Emily: "Then, well, we could discuss your ill-advised friendship with Moondoggie..."
Jason: "I'm not her friend, I'm just posing as her friend to figure out why somebody would dig up my sister's body and hide grave dirt-covered postcards and earrings everywhere and use her body to chill vodka and then hide it on a train in a bag under the refreshments. These are questions that probably deserve answers."
Emily: "Because I think maybe it was Alison who dug up Alison's body. Maybe that is a topic worth exploring."
MARIN
Ashley: "Where's that boy I see you sometimes with? He lives in the wall?"
Hanna: "That's Caleb, Mom. And he's with his wolf dad. Hey, remember how the belltower is broken from that time Ian tried to murder Spencer in it, but then he got strangulated, but then his body disappeared, and then he sent secrets on his phone and medical supplies from beyond the grave, and then his somehow still-fresh corpse was ruled a suicide months later?"
Ashley: "If I say no are you going to get mad?"
Hanna: "My point is, will Pastor Ted hire Uncledad Jamie? Because without a belltower, Rosewood is just not 100 percent spooky anymore."
HAUNTED DILAURENTIS OFFICES
Emily: "Is this the picture? This picture of Alison on a boat, is this the one?"
Jason: "Yeah, and you can see Wilden in the corner, impregnating her."
Emily: "...And CeCe on the other side of her. Huh."
Jason: "Maybe she was hooking up with him too, and they were going to meet up That Night."
Emily: "Wait, What Night? I don't want to end up convincing myself I killed her again, so be specific."
Jason: "The night she died. I was drinking from the hose in the yard, as I recall..."
FLASHBACK
Jason: "I sure am drunk. I'd better sleep out here in the yard. Wait, who's that fighting with Melissa over there? I'd better call attention to myself by screaming Alison's name."
CeCe Drake: "Who is that drunk mess yelling at us? I'm clearly not Alison."
Jason: "Hoo, now I am sleepy. I hope I remember this when it's relevant."
SO WAIT, WHAT?
Emily: "You saw CeCe Drake in your yard one time, talking to Melissa? And you didn't think to tell absolutely everybody about that, years later?"
Jason: "My entire alibi was about being blind drunk that night."
Emily: "Yeah, but in the yard? Inches away from where she was bludgeoned and buried, the first of several times both of those things happened to her that night?"
ACA DECA
Dr. Wren: "This looks like ... actual academic decathlon."
Spencer: "Don't be silly! It's a restaurant, get us a table."
Dr. Wren: "But this is clearly not a... Yes, table for two? Under 'Wren'? Um, yeah that is totally a name of a real person. Duh."
Hot Andrew: "Spencer, what are you doing here? With that guy whose hotness rivals my own?"
Spencer: "I am here to go absolutely fucking crazy, Andrew. If you'll excuse me..."
Mona: "Oh dear."
Spencer: "I'm just here to get real fuckin' weird, Moondoggie. Ahem, with my date, your mental health caregiver. And his penis."
Mona: "This is some junior varsity shit, Spencer."
Spencer: "The point is that I am teaming up against you with one of the few people you might consider authority figures. And his penis. And I read your casefile. And I'm uploading it to the internet, so."
Mona: "Oh, you poor bitch. You've really lost it. Is this why Toby left you all alone?"
Spencer: "Uh, we both know he wasn't ever with me. But my Liars are, and you need to stop threatening them."
Mona: "That's debatable. I'm guessing they have fled by now, due to the stink of crazy all over your entire self."
Interestingly, touchingly even, this is the thing that sends her over the edge because it is the only thing that can bring her back. But for now, Spencer launches herself into the air like the Vampire Queen or a Japanese video game, screeching monster sounds and tearing at Mona's face and throat.
Everybody: "Holy shit. Nothing on this field trip is going to compare to that. That bitch is just going ham. Crazy, table for two! I hope their shirts get a little ripped."
Dr. Wren: "Okay I'm just gonna... Yeah. Nice seein' you, Moondoggie. Hot Andrew."
BOUTIQUE
Wesley: "Are we seriously still talking about that stain on the carpet?"
Aria: "Look, Wes. I know you're living in your car for no reason. Come stay at my house, for no reason. It's not like I have parents. You can live in Mikey's room because I don't seem to have one of those either."
Wesley: "Aria, I'm fine."
Aria: "Indubitably. But shut up, CeCe's calling me. CeCe, where are you?"
CeCe: "Sitting in my car telling lies about how I got drunk while I was picking up dinner, and my car has been impounded. The fact that this story is less sketchy than what I'm actually doing should give all of us pause. Shut up about that, though, the important thing is, have you kissed Wesley yet."
Aria: "Working on it. I have moved him into my house..."
CeCe Drake: "That's a start. Thank you so much for taking pictures of my teapots and crap in my weird boutique."
THE CHURCH
Caleb: "Pastor Ted and Uncle Dad have been in that meeting for a while now. You don't think they've possibly gotten themselves into a never-ending rummage sale situation?"
Hanna: "I'm sure it's fine."
Caleb: "I can't believe this is happening all on the same day."
Hanna: "Yeah, on review I could see him thinking I was pretty pushy."
Caleb: "He's never seen initiative before except in his drug dealers. He thinks you're remarkable."
Hanna: "Isn't that nice? I am a really good person. You know what, just to put the cherry on top of that one, I'm gonna fold up this five-dollar bill with these swingers rockabilly dice drawn on it in ballpoint, and donate that to the church."
Caleb: "That's one lucky fiver. Also pretty specific."
Hanna: "The better for it to bite me in the ass in a second. Let's make out on this church pew."
Ashley: "I see how you got there, and I approve. Listen, Ted and Jamie are finalizing some numbers, so let's celebrate back at our beautiful house, with pizza and beer. Well, just pizza for you children. And Pastor Ted. And I've been wine drunk since this morning, so ... I guess we'll just watch Uncle Dad drink a bunch of beer by himself, and see what happens."
HAUNTED DILAURENTIS OFFICES - HAUNTED ELEVATOR
Emily: "If I know A, we're about to..."
(Ker-chunk.)
Emily: "Yep, there it is."
DRIVE HOME
Spencer: "Shut up about that. I'm getting a call from Melissa and I'm not answering it."
Dr. Wren: "Hello, Melissa. You are on speakerphone."
Melissa: "Where are you, where have you taken my child sister, and why are you answering her phone?"
Dr. Wren: "She is barfing, as we say in the medical community. Must be some of that food we got on our date which was not a date."
Melissa: "Carry on."
Spencer: "Nothin' hotter than a guy who lies to cover up your psychotic break."
MONTGOMERY
Wesley: "I feel bad about getting paid for essentially ruining that carpet."
Aria: "First of all, who says you're getting paid? And second of all, I'm sure CeCe's made a few stains herself."
Wesley: "What? Ew!"
Aria: "Just move past it."
Wesley: "Can I borrow a book? I simply cannot sleep without devouring some poetry or books about the poetry of the 1920s."
Aria: "You are so hard to resist right now."
Wesley: "Edna St. Vincent Millay was a major influence on O'Neill..."
Aria: "Yeah. Yeah, give it to me."
Wesley: "I cannot say what loves have come and gone, / I only know that summer sang in me a little while... That in me sings no more."
Aria: "You kiss your momma with that mouth?"
Wesley: "And also you."
They kiss. It's awesome. Kiss all the time. Kiss Wesley Fitzgerald all day, see if I complain. Because I won't. I will not. They get all jumpy, which is also cute. Pretty much any time they keep their stupid mouths shut and don't say poems and shit, it's super cute. Work on that, kids.
ELEVATOR!
Jason and Emily take forever extricating themselves from certain death. It's very scary for Emily, who historically does poorly with heights. Stabbing people to death and so on. She makes it out alive, but Jason doesn't.
Jason: "I see what you mean about the cluuuuuuuues crunch."
Emily: "Hastings, I swear. Every time you leave the house, some dude bites it."
MARIN
Pizza Guy: "Pizza!"
Ashley: "Here is a thousand-dollar bill from a lasagna box, can you make change?"
Pizza Guy: "This is Rosewood, I can't carry that much cash."
Ashley: "Pastor Ted! Momma needs a twenty!"
Uncle Dad: "I got it. Least I can do. Will you take a ten and these two fives, one of which has swingers rockabilly dice on it?"
Pizza Guy: "What a lucky fiver!"
Hanna: "Not even goddamn remotely."
ROSEWOOD ICU
Jason: "I didn't die. I am on enough drugs to see Alison maybe in real life, but other than that..."
Emily: "So I guess me and Spencer were right about you being the only living member of the NAT Club, huh?"
Jason: "Yeah, but I don't feel like telling anybody about my attempted murder. Oh, and that picture of Wilden with CeCe Drake and Alison is gone too. I guess the elevator took it while I was unconscious."
Emily: "That checks out. Dang it. Let me bring you some water, leaving you unattended."
Liars: "We just got your text about this latest calamity! Exposit what you've been doing this whole episode!"
Emily: "Well, I fucked it up, but here goes. Remember that picture I found..."
Spencer: "Oh my God you guys, how's it going?"
Liars: "Oh hey Spencer. You look like you're on bath salts."
Spencer: "I am so worried about Jason. Can I take him this water?"
Emily: "I know secretly you mean, Sorry I am so crazy."
Spencer: "Thanks for picking up on that."
Nurse Lady: "Hey, where is your friend?"
Liars: "Who's this now?"
Nurse: "That boy who fell from a great height and was just in that bed over there, getting thirsty."
Liars, except Aria: "Well, today was particularly for shit."
Aria: "I have the cutest boy I'm keeping as a pet, you guys! We made a mess of a photo session, and then had dinner at my house!"
WEEK
What does a Halloween Store employee from webisodes do for the other eleven months of a year? Gay stuff. But what else? We'll find out, when the Liars come to Shana and CeCe for their weekly allotment of clues. Darren comes back at 'em hard, finally, and Spencer makes a new friend and confidant. Who will it be? If you say anything other than Hot Andrew, I'll pinch you. Pinch you right on the arm.
Check out possible spoilers for the February 26 episode and find out what all those visions of Ali could really mean from our friends at Wetpaint.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, Zero Hour, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.