Hahaha! That was amazing! Did you ever see a thing like that in your life? What a thing!
Okay, so somehow -- with Melissa wandering around the place eating yogurt as least as creepily as her late hubby used to drink milk -- the girls get the clue: A Psycho hotel outside town where a hot stroke victim does taxidermy and the usual Norman Bates stuff like that. Alison was stalking A and stayed in the room door to her lair... The day she died, of course, in between hot-air balloon rides and starting her own small business and winning the Preakness at Pimlico and whatever.
The girls spend the night, getting stalked by A and watched from door, Hanna takes a shower, the whole thing. No dice. So then there's a Masquarade Ball, of course. Mona produces Caleb for Hanna, earning herself a very sweet speech from Spencer about what a good friend she is, and then Spencer drags her back to the motel in the middle of the Ball so they can sneak into A's lair.
A's lair is fuckin' great. There are pictures on every surface, with Ali's eyes painstakingly cut out, there are Bratz dollz and burlap baby-face monster masks and a clown and music boxes and whatever. It makes you feel like Fiver when you walk in there.
Mona finds a picture of A's masquerade gown: The Black Swan, complete with black anonymity bar across the face, and supposedly lets Hanna know to look out for somebody dressed like that. And there is somebody at the dance dressed like that, but I don't know if that matters. I do know that she is on a team of buds that includes Jenna and Lucas, the former of whom ain't even trying to hide her newfound sight and the latter of whom is still: Adorable.
Less so: Ezra and Aria, who blah blah blah. It's even stupider than usual, which is saying goddamn something.
So while everybody is running around in the dance -- Emily entertaining thoughts of Paige, Aria acting like a gaywad with Ezra, Hanna wandering around looking bewildered and occasionally making out with Caleb, Spencer's at this motel, figuring out who A is. Mona runs out to the car for some gum, and when she comes back she's wearing her signature hoodie. YEAH!
You know how awesome Mona is usually? Times that by about a million once she puts that thing on and spitting out this staccato insanity monologue about all manner of things, including how the A-Team is a Blood In Blood Out situation. Yes, see, Mona invites Spencer to be a part of the A-Team, or die, but Spencer's too busy Skyping their entire conversation to Hanna to really think about the offer.
How come she did all of this and ran over Hanna and made Spencer break up with Toby and whatnot? Because she loves Hanna so much that she hates the Liars for being involved in taking Hanna away from her. Not sure what that means or how it works out -- was this during the Alison period, or the A period? -- but she doesn't really need a reason. She is too awesome for your "reasons," as I will shortly explain. Anyway, the Liars arrive just as Spencer's escaping from Mona, Hanna very nearly runs her best friend down for being a crazy bitch, and then Spencer accidentally tosses her off a cliff. But don't worry! You know that hot mess is okay!
As Therapy Anne (hey!) explains, once they've got Mona's ass in a straitjacket, the reason A seemed to be omniscient and omnipresent is because Mona is a mental genius whose adrenaline spikes were keeping her in a constant state of hyperreality.
YEAH! That's why! I am not making that up! The reason A is magic, the show explains, is because A IS LITERALLY MAGIC. I love that so freaking much. It puts me -- this show -- it puts me into a state of hyperreality. I can see you right now as you are reading this! I hid a doll under your bed that has instructions and a key to open a secret snowglobe in a storage locker off the interstate! I know what you did last Saturday!
Pam comes back to town, Toby comes back to Spencer, we still don't know what Jenna's involvement is with the A-Team, but we do know Mona was working for a bigger A, and one thing more: Maya's body has been found, probably buried, at Emily's house. Which means Hanna lost a best friend to craziness, Aria was utterly uninvolved once again in the TV show she is on, Spencer got Toby back, and Emily has to find a new elderly person to care for.
See you in June!