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Holy hell!
Aria, as usual, spends the episode dealing with Ezra stuff and missing out on all the insanity: Turns out Byron is thinking about sending her to boarding school since the New Orleans plan didn't work out. The twist is that Ella's onboard, now that she's beginning to see just how often A messes with Aria's entire situation. Aria lunges into full-on crazy mode, threatening to out Byron's affair with a student and doing everything she can to make Ella cry, and then once Ella tells her how horrible she's being, runs off to finally have sex with Ezra.
It's all pretty much awesome, containing as it does the opportunity for Aria to show us about five personalities we've never seen before -- Enraged Aria, Doing-It Aria -- as well as Ella doing her usual wonderful deal and even Ezra being pretty excellent. One finds oneself interested in seeing what happens , rather than experiencing Ezria as a low powerline hum unrelated to the rest of the show.
As for the rest of the episode, it is utterly insane. Just batshit crazy. It begins with Alison sneaking into Spencer's bedroom to say her usual cryptic things and tell Spencer she's on the right track -- meaning once again Aria's been left out, as everybody has now hallucinated Ali at least once -- and Spencer experiencing her usual-of-late mixture of terror of and protectiveness toward her sister. Who is, of course, dating Garrett and maybe even having his baby... Which matters more now that he's been arrested for the murder of Alison!
Yeah, because here's what Jenna's up to: Pretending the surgery was a failure, promising the Liars she has turned a grudge corner and no longer wants them destroyed, and giving Toby the missing page of Ali's autopsy report to incriminate Garrett. In the end, after spending the hour weeping and being a destroyed damsel, she smashes a housefly with exceeding accuracy and then grins the grin of a person who is about to kill everybody.
Of course, Melissa continues to act crazier and crazier, so that by the time the arrest happens she's making her scariest faces of all time at Spencer. Not a safe situation -- and much less so when Mona gets her A Task: Breaking up Caleb and Hanna. It takes some convincing, but Caleb eventually agrees to getting caught (by Melissa, and/or the omniscient A) making out with her in a car. Considering how much he still hates Mona, this is super gross for all three of them, but it does the trick: The girls get yet more confirmation that Melissa is trouble.
But that's comparatively small potatoes when you consider that we finally meet the staff at the Brookhaven Doll Hospital, a terrifyingly inbred grandma and her spooky psychic son Seth, who tells the girls that he knows how Alison died and then describes Melissa and Ian perfectly. When the girls return to the shop -- having themselves determined to turn over all their evidence to any cop not named Garrett or Wilden -- they are treated to absolutely the most fucked up thing that has ever happened on this show.
The dolls have people faces inside them, there's a cymbal monkey, burlap voodoo dolls in secret places... and just when it's getting to Hellraiser amounts of creepy, the scariest robot baby voice summons them to a cupboard in which the Alison Chuckie is finally revealed: A blood-covered blonde girl, half-buried in diorama dirt, waving a shovel around giggling about, "Follow me, end up like me!" Then the dolls start attacking, shelves are crashing down around their ears, and the Liars get the hell out of there. It is a peak moment.
Of course, it's revealed in the A-Tag that the whole thing was part of A's master plan, and that the inbreds were working for her the whole time -- psychic kids and staring dolls don't really exist -- but that doesn't change the sheer awesomeness of anything that went down. Between Aria losing her virginity, now-sighted Jenna playing everybody for a massive fool, Garrett getting arrested and Melissa going 'round the bend, it was a pretty big night: Alison is still bopping around being weird in people's dreams. A little psychic boy knows details of the murder. And dolls can see you.
Ugh! week, it all goes down. A is revealed, there's some sort of amazing masked ball, and some idiot lets Hanna get behind the wheel of another car, which can only end in tragedy.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
This latest shell game with Vivian produced a terrifying doll hospital in damned, doomed Brookhaven, as well as an invigorating night flight for old Aria. Ella forced a very temporary stalemate in Byron's ongoing pissing match with his own hypocrisy, not that anybody was grateful. Emily's mom is coming to town, and (somebody claiming to be) Maya was busily leaving (or not leaving) a place for Paige in her life. Hanna saved Jenna's life after somebody attempted to blow her up again, while Spencer was becoming more and more convinced that every single person in her family was a murderer -- but then, every single person not in her family was probably a relative anyway. Ella and Ashley, meanwhile, were proceeding merrily down the wine-fueled primrose path into Hell formerly walked by sympathetic cannon fodder such as our dear Therapy Anne, whose Tory Burch boots turned out to be made for getting the eff out of Rosewood.
HOLD UP, WHAT?
Because each part of the Hastings house is as scary as every other part, and because Spencer was recently exploded, she's sleeping on the downstairs couch. But who's that going through her shit? Including a duffle bag and her bottles of pain meds?
Alison DiLaurentis: "Oh, did I wake you? Sorry. Randomly breaking into people's houses can weird them out, especially if you do this from beyond the grave."
Spencer: "What's going on now?"
Ali: "I needed to steal something from my duffle bag you have here near the couch. And also gank some painkillers. You know, it's funny about Jason. Sharing him as a brother almost makes us sisters, don't you think?"
Spencer: "Not technically, but I know what you... Hey, hold up."
Ali: "You deserve at least one decent sister. Nobody else gets to have one. Anyway, cryptic nonsense."
Spencer: "Are you dead or what?"
Ali: "I've missed you! That fierce look you get in your eyes when you have to know the answer."
Spencer: "It's universally acknowledged as my best feature."
Ali: "It's not going to save you this time. Keep going, though. You're getting warmer."
The front door slams, she wakes up, it's morning, and even though the front door slammed and the whole thing was a dream, when Melissa enters the door has been hanging open wide all night, and even more mysteriously, the bottles of painkillers have been messed with, and are still open.
This is so amazing. Will Spencer Hastings finally be losing her shit?
CAR
Emily: "Maybe you're overthinking this. After all, you're doped up on two different medications these days."
Spencer: "It was very real. I could still smell her cream rinse!"
Emily: "'Cream rinse'? What is this, a Judy Blume novel from 1979? Anyway, the same thing happened to me that time I stupidly got trapped into snorting car exhaust while the Chuckie Dolls were bossing us around."
Spencer: "You had a visitation from Alison?"
Emily: "Yeah. Or I mean, no. My explanation for the fact that this has now happened to all three of us is that she took our brains hostage when she was brainwashing us into being her Dracula brides, and we won't stop hallucinating her until we find out how she died. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk to those renters who are moving out of my house so Pam and I can move back home."
Text from supposedly Maya: "Thanks for telling my parents I'm alive! You are a traitor! P.S., I am still the worst."
MARIN
Ashley: "Hey Hanna, remember that time you got blown up saving that blind girl the other day? Is there any more info on that?"
Hanna: "Not that I recall. Not really paying attention much."
Ashley: "Allow it. Okay, and question number two, why is your purse ringing?"
It's the Mona Phone, Caleb calling, which Hanna explains as being a gift from Mona so she can provide 24/7 support while Mona is recovering from Noel Kahn and/or being bullied by A and/or her other many Mona Crises.
Ashley: "Hanna! There is no room in this house for secrets and lies! Not with all the orphans you keep dragging home!"
Mona: "Hey, Mrs. M! You look smokin' hot as usual."
Ashley: "Mona, you know damn well Hanna's not allowed to have a phone right now. Feel free to come live here whenever you feel like it, but no phones. Too convenient."
Mona, oblivious: "Gotcha. Hey, is that an egg white omelet? You're the best mom ever. See ya!"
Ashley: Is taken with Mona despite herself, because Mona is the best.
FITZ OFC
Aria arrives with coffees; Ezra is wearing all-charcoal and looks beautiful today.
Aria: "Dad's off at another conference in Vermont! Let's drink coffee and make out!"
Ezra: "Most people do that to celebrate getting a job, not turning one down."
Aria: "It doesn't count when your girlfriend's dad made up the job to stop you statutory raping her. Everybody knows that."
Ezra: "Okay, then let's make out."
(He is awkwardly not 100 percent feeling this; Aria becomes awesome for a second.)
Aria: "He's three states away! You can at least lean into it."
JENNA
Is meanwhile freaking out, sitting at her vanity and thinking about taking off her cyclops bandage to see if she can see.
Toby: "What are you doing? That should only be done by a medical professional!"
Jenna: "Like you need a degree to take off a bandage. Besides, I want to see your bizarre face first thing."
Toby: "Allow it."
She takes off the thing, verrrry slowly, and underneath it her eyeball looks way grody. She starts crying and gasping -- happy tears or sad ones? -- and Toby gets worried. He kneels at her side and says he's very sorry about her continued blindness, and it turns out that Jenna staring with sunglasses is no more terrifying than Jenna staring without them. The intoxicating face on that girl! And the terrible, terrible things she can make it do!
BREAKFAST OF CLUES
Spencer: "I found these classified ads in the garbage that Alison left us. She was communicating back and forth with A, trying to track it down, and they were going to meet up in Brookhaven. Where? That doll hospital, of course. Where one usually takes one's meetings with one's stalker and murderer."
The Liars read out some sample messages from the conversation -- there's even a Desperately Seeking Susan reference in there for us olds -- and then Jenna comes in. No blind people cane, but the glasses are back on and she's leaning heavily on her Renfield slash boyfriend slash brother. She sits down at their table; Aria shoves the hell over and they all stare at her in disgust and terror for awhile. Especially Emily, who takes the brother-raping to heart of course even more than Spence.
Hanna, finally: "...So can you see or not?"
Spencer: "Hanna! God!"
[Gretchen Wieners: You can't just ask people if they're not blind anymore! -- RS.]
Jenna's face crumbles and she explains that she knew the odds going in: The surgery was not a success, but she has turned over a new leaf in her psychosis and has realized that, thanks to Hanna and Spencer saving her from getting blown up again, she has forgiven them all for blowing her up that time.
Jenna: "It made me realize that people can grow, so now it's my turn. I'm here to apologize, and let go of the anger that's been holding me back. Let's all just move on."
Liars, silently: "Not a chance, bitch."
Emily, insightfully: "Uh, what exactly are you apologizing for?"
Jenna: "For being angry and holding a grudge. Why, whatever did you think I might be sorry about?"
And with that, she pulls out the cane and assembles it and totters away, while Hanna gets a headache and the rest of them fugue out and stare at nothing.
Emily: "Please don't tell me you dumbasses bought that."
Aria: "I kind of did. I like her more than the rest of you."
Emily: "I don't trust that jerk. I bet she set that fire herself."
Liars: "...What? How does that make any sense at all?"
Hanna: "Especially since it was clearly Melissa."
Spencer: "Hanna, stop! Why's everybody turning into me and grabbing onto these suspects like a dog with a bone suddenly?"
Aria: "Yeah. I mean, Melissa admitted her involvement to the degree that she sent those weird emails and, since Spencer hasn't yet told us about Jason, we have no idea that even their parents think she did it."
Spencer: "You know who actually knows the answer? Vivian. Which means we have to go back to Brookhaven. We're getting close."
I love how Spencer's like, "Why are y'all jumping to baseless accusations about people I care about, when they don't even make sense? And then refusing to hear any evidence that disproves your theory? That's like something a crazy person would do!"
LOCKER HALL
Mona: "So, guess who got hexed again."
Hanna: "What do you mean and why are you dressed like Catwoman in the Phantom Zone?"
A's new text demands that Mona break up Hanna and Caleb, or else. Which is funny, because she's already proven her skill with that, but even funnier that the first thing Mona did was stomp on over to Hanna's locker like, "I'm breaking you and your boyfriend up, FYI." Also, from a closer angle where you can't see the whole outfit or that stupid studded purse, she looks a-maz-ing, she looks like Peppy Miller.
Mona: "Here's our secret phone back. Why are you acting sketchy today?"
Hanna: "Jenna gave us the wiggins by acting normal."
Mona: "That bitch does more than steal boyfriends? Who knew."
Caleb: "Hey, I just randomly come and go across the country now."
Mona: "I already hated watching you kiss, but now that I have to break you up, it's even worse."
Hanna: "Mona lives at my house now for some reason, so she'll be third-wheeling our date."
Caleb: "Great! Just kidding, it's not!"
Hanna: "Could you at least pretend not to hate her?"
Caleb: "That is what I am doing."
Meanwhile, Aria drops off a note about how she's going somewhere with Spencer after school, and on her mom's desk she finds a file from Byron: Turns out he's not in Vermont conferring but in fact is there checking out boarding schools where they will protect what's left of her virtue. This would piss anybody off, but it seems ideally suited to push all of Aria's buttons. I hope she goes apeshit.
BROOKHAVEN
Some old hick lady eventually shows up outside the doll hospital to tell the Liars that they are not open for business today, and Spencer puts on her best Country Club smile and begins to interrogate her. They don't sell a lot of dolls, the lady explains, particularly not the scary burlap kind Alison was so fond of -- the one in the window was a random drop-off, apparently. Aria spots a scary little boy in the window staring at them from between all the doll heads, and somehow keeps it together.
The old lady invites them inside, and introduces them to the little boy: Seth, age nine. He looks a little like Melissa's kid with Jason DiLaurentis might, if you know what I mean. The old lady takes the whole troop down into the horrific body-parts basement, babbling the whole time about how she doesn't really like working there and that her sister used to run the place, and how kids these days only [my brain automatically blocks out sentences that have that phrase in them] and how the faces, the faces of the dolls, etc.
Seth: "Y'all are askin' about them voodoo dolls. Summer afore last, when I's seven, a girl came askin' about them dolls."
Old Lady: "Seth, you hush. Or keep talking."
Seth: "She wanted to know who bought it and why."
Emily: "Did she look like this picture I have as my screensaver?"
eth: "Yes'm but with dark hair."
Emily: "Okay, so that's either Vivian, Melissa or Jenna. Or, you know, anybody on Earth. Did she have sunglasses on?"
Seth: "No ma'am, this would have been at the time Jenna was either sighted or away at that blind school in Philly. Dumb question."
Hanna: "So did you guys ever figure it out?"
Seth: "No'm, I tole her a man and a woman wanted to hurt her."
Liars: "Wait, what?"
Old Lady: "Oh yeah, he's psychic and can tell the future. Did I not mention that?"
Nope! No you did not.
Liars: "Okay so what about this couple?"
Seth: "Similar to the other girl, in that they had dark hair and no sunglasses. And an agenda."
Old Lady: "That's enough of this freakshow, I think."
Seth: "Musta been terrible, all that dirt in your lungs..."
Everybody: Stares.
From my notes: oh my god pll
REGROUP
Aria: "Okay, he's nine years old, has never seen the sun, and probably lives in a cupboard with like 600 dolls."
That would be the line of the night, I think.
Emily: "Okay but he remembers Ali and he tried to warn her."
Liars: "Then the couple would be..."
Hanna: "Melissa! Melissa and Ian!"
Spencer: "As much as I love blaming Ian for things, you're crossing the line."
(Beat.)
Spencer: "On the other hand, my parents think Melissa killed Alison. They even hired a detective. Sorry I didn't mention that before, but it weakens my case and I've also been distracted lately."
Liars: "Bwuh?"
(Beat.)
Spencer: "But on the other other hand, Melissa thinks my parents killed her because of how she knew that Jason was our half-brother. Another thing I may have forgotten to mention."
Liars: "The fuck?"
(Beat.)
Spencer: "And she used to work in the town over, so she probably drove by that doll hospital every single day on the way to work. Where they had that doll. That the person who was threatening and harrassing Alison sent her. Like how Melissa was doing those things."
Liars: "...?"
(Beat. More beats.)
Spencer: "...Guys?"
Liars: "Uh, we're assuming at the end of this chain of admissions you're going to tell us you killed Alison. I don't want to speak for the group, but... That does seem to be how things are going."
ARIA'S BEDROOM
Ella: "Hey, just dropping off your laundry."
Aria: "Fuckin' great."
Ella: "Everything cool?"
Aria: "Yeah, everything's real goddamn tight, traitor."
Ella: "What's this? What's going on now?"
Aria: "See these boarding school brochures I stole from your desk? I am brandishing them! Brandishing!"
Ella: "Okay, but see, this isn't about Ezra for me, so I don't even want to hear it. This is about fashion shows and the cops and mysterious notes and Hanna driving cars into buildings and the one million other fucked up things having to do with A."
Aria: "I am too pissed to see the logic in that! And I am going to tell on Daddy to the Dean of that College where he works! About sleeping with a grad student!"
Snakes out the hair, fire shooting from the eyes, the whole bit. Ella is so grossed out!
Ella: "...How did you manage to make yourself the asshole in this situation?"
Aria: "I AM ARIA MONTGOMERY!"
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Spencer! Lovely to see you. Want to help me write thank you notes for that shower they held for the dead man's baby in my womb?"
Spencer: Staring, twitching.
Melissa: "Whose duffle bag was that in your bedroom? That's a normal question for a person to ask."
Spencer, hysterically: "Why were you in my room looking at my duffle bags?"
Melissa: "I needed a stamp, as a certain boyfriend-stealing snoop might say."
Spencer: "Look into my eyes when I say this so I can gauge your reaction. The bag was... Formerly Alison DiLaurentis's!"
Melissa: "Ugh, throw it out. You'll get Hep C."
Spencer: "Or murdered!"
There's a pretty neat moment where Spencer is about to retreat and then realizes she's just going to keep freaking out 100 percent of the time until she stops running from this and -- satisfying, but especially on this show where more things happen than on any other show but nothing really ever seems to happen -- pulls out her tablet and shows Melissa the video of herself busting into Alison's bedroom looking crazy. Yes!
Melissa: "Ugh, you're so boring. I thought we were past this. And where did you even get that? Did you steal that video from Ian?"
Spencer: "I can't even remember anymore. Why was this happening?"
Melissa: "I was looking for Ian, I busted in, they were already in there, I left."
Spencer: "So you didn't tell anybody that you saw Jenna and Garrett snooping in her bedroom the night she died?"
Melissa: "Please, add them to the list of people who hated her. Then it will include literally everyone."
Spencer: "Okay, then you won't care if I take this to the cops. The cops who are not Garrett or Wilden, I mean."
Melissa: "See if I care!"
(Beat.)
Melissa: "Just kidding, I do care! Here's a vague threat for you. There are more videos where those came from -- or do you not remember what the NAT Club was about? -- and some of them reflect rather ill on you and your little compatriots. Yes, I am blackmailing you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have thank you notes to write."
Sometimes this show's so unbelievable but then other times it's like watching a documentary about my family.
HANNA'S PLAN
Liars: "She's bluffing! Or telling the truth! Maybe it has to do with the Jenna Thing!"
Hanna: "I know it's her. I just know it. Let's trick her into sending us an A text to prove she is A."
Axiom #1: A is omnipresent and omniscient.
Axiom #2: The set therefore {A} of A includes all sets {-A} of those who are not A, perceptually speaking.
Axiom #3: Melissa's got five senses like everybody else on earth (with the apparent exception of A and possible exception of Seth).
Conclusion: Whatever Melissa sees or hears, then, by definition A will also see or hear it. Instantly.
Caleb: "Hanna, are you joking? Not only is your thesis ill-formed, but it makes me feel insanely dirty."
Hanna: "Time is precious, my friend. Get onboard with my fucked-up plan."
I'll just tell you the plan. It is to have Melissa catch Caleb and Mona making out, by seeming coincidence. Then she'll send a mean A text to all three of them about it, and they'll know Melissa is A. (Or they would, if Melissa's presence meant anything in that scenario.)
ELLA'S CLASS, TAKE 2
Aria: "Hey, Mom?"
Ella: "Oh my God. What. Did you call your dad's boss yet?"
Aria: "No. I wouldn't do that. I feel dumb."
Ella: "Well, we called off boarding school."
Aria: "So you do approve of Ezra! I knew it!"
Ella: "No, you halfwit. But I realized you're even more deluded than we thought, so it came back under the 'don't make her run away' thing that led me to hypnotize you with pipe dreams in the first place."
Aria: "I felt pushed. Into a corner."
Ella: "I don't care anymore, dude. You turned on your family. That's the new status quo. And listen. When I found out you were sleeping with your teacher, I was scared and angry and confused. But one thing I was not, is ashamed. Because that would do untold damage to your mind if I disrespected your sexuality in that way, as a parent. But going after your philandering, useless father? Now I am ashamed. And frankly, you hurt his feelings too."
Oh, well. If Byron Montgomery had his little feelings hurt, let's just call the whole fucking thing off. God forbid.
STAKEOUT
Melissa runs into a stationary store to get hundreds of thousands of more thank you notes, I'm talking like a thirty-pound box of stationary, and Mona and Caleb park outside. Emily, in a second car, watches from across the way. We're once again reminded what a good actress Janel Parrish is.
Mona: "Dome light on or off?"
Caleb: "We're not setting the mood here, we're trying to get caught. Light on. All lights on. Hands where I can see 'em."
Mona: "Caleb, I know you hate me..."
Caleb: "Yeah, I do. Let's not go there."
Mona: "We have to go there! We both love Hanna, and that's why we are in this situation."
Caleb: "See, I've been curious about that. When you say 'love' are you saying..."
Mona: "Once I murdered Alison DiLaur... I mean, once Ali disappeared, Hanna and I got really close. We had makeovers and became the queens of Rosewood. And then suddenly you show up, and you're so repulsively awesome..."
Caleb: "Thank you?"
Mona: "...And I was just dating whoever, the lacrosse team, and I was jealous."
Caleb: "That makes sense. If you also factor in that you're crazily territorial and conniving."
Mona: "Those are implicit, yes."
Caleb: "Then let's do this."
They make out, awkwardly at first, but once Mona says the creepiest thing she can think of -- "Caleb, don't stop! We're doing this for Hanna!" -- he really leans into it. Melissa sees them, stares like any of this would matter to her, and Emily watches the whole thing go down. It's pretty sick.
WAITING
Looking altogether glamorous, Hanna and Spencer wait around for a sign that A has seen Hanna's best friend and boyfriend making out in a car outside a stationary shoppe.
Spencer: "What I can't believe is that you got him to do it."
Hanna: "What I keep telling myself is that it proves he loves me more than he hates her."
A: "Neener neener!"
Hanna: "See, idiot? Your sister is A!"
GATHERING EVIDENCE
I don't even know where they are right now, but it's official: They are packing up every single Alison-related thing they've got into one single box -- that will no doubt immediately be stolen, destroyed or otherwise rendered useless -- and taking it to the cops. No more fucking around.
Emily: "So I had to drive Caleb home -- he didn't even want to be in a car with her after that. And the whole time he's ranting about Jenna and Garrett and like, why isn't this about nailing them. To him, that's the enemy."
Spencer: "Sorry everybody's stressing out, I just needed proof. Additional to the preponderance of proof we've already collected."
Hanna, amazingly: "This was the limit! What will you demand , hiding in her closet? RUBBING HER BELLY UNTIL THE BABY CONFESSES?"
Oh, Hanna! I love you so much. Yes, that is the exact step in the escalation.
Emily: "Maybe we should go to Brookhaven and see what that psychic kid thinks about all this."
Liars: Are shocked. Is Emily the one that's going crazy now? Everybody is going crazy in this episode!
Emily: "We can show him the video of Melissa and see if it matches his psychic visions."
Liars: "A thousand reasons why you sound ridiculous right now!"
Spencer: "...Well, he did know how she died..."
Mona: "How'd it go? Did I make A happy? I'm going to go wash cyberwolf off me before I puke."
Hanna: "Cool. You wanna maybe mention the... Possibly discuss a little about... No? Okay, cool. See you after your shower, I guess."
Emily: "You can't even tell her the whole story, because of the family aspect with Spencer. So let's just solve this using every method."
Hanna: "Fine. We're going to Brookhaven, but then straight to the Rosewood PD."
First of all, that fucking place is the Hellmouth and you know it. Second of all, why is this even happening? Third of all, that is taking the long way around. And fourth of all, why then -- after visiting Brookhaven -- do they go to somebody else's bedroom for more stuff?
EZRA'S APT
Good News: Ezra got off work early.
Bad News: Ezra got off work... FOREVER. Fired by Byron. That dude is like glitter, he just finds a way in. He's like a Greek monster.
THE OLD CAVANAUGH PLACE
Toby comes to offer his sister-slash-girlfriend-slash-master some dinner, but she's too busy being weird and reading Braille with a weird smile on her face. Garrett's once again parked across the street, so he closes the curtains. That's when Jenna pulls out PAGE FIVE.
Jenna: "Garrett asked me to keep this piece of paper safe, he said it was important but I don't know anything else about it."
Toby: "This is a page of an autopsy report."
Jenna: "Oh, is it? I thought it might be something like that. Something incriminating we should give to the cops to get Garrett off my ass."
Ooooooh she's goin' rogue! But to what end? What's she doing? What is Jenna's ultimate plan?
And where is Noel Kahn? What is his place in Jenna's ultimate plan?
BROOKHAVEN - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Emily: "Do you think it's later than the typical hours of a doll hospital for dolls?"
Spencer: "Uh, yes."
But of course, the door swings open the second Spence touches it, and they stride right in, talkin' about hello hello and all the time in the dark there are the one billion dolls. Oh, man. They head down into the operating room, where Emily immediately spies a box full of those burlap voodoo dolls the old lady lied about. That's when the lights go out!
Emily: "Uh, maybe we should come back when they're open."
Spencer: "1979?"
Heh. They are thinking about bouncing ... when a terrifying robot baby voice starts up!
FOLLOW ME END UP LIKE ME FOLLOW ME END UP LIKE ME, it says. They -- for some reason -- choose to obey this advice, following the horrible voice deeper and deeper into the doll parts library stacks. This part was the worst! There's a doll with a head the size of a regular head, or like a nine-year-old boy's head, and when they pass by it, THE EYES FLICK OPEN AND STARE AT THEM!
My notes: seth's face inside a dolls face holy shit
The voice is issuing from a cabinet, which -- when opened -- reveals this fucked-up shrine to Alison's death, complete with a Chuckie in her shade half-buried in dirt, waving a shovel around and dancing, capering, twisting back and forth. It is by far the most amazing thing that has ever happened on this show, this whole episode. Then things get even more insane and the dolls start attacking! Jumping at them from the shelves! Bonking them! A monkey with cymbals! The shelves start falling over on top of them! Hanna snatches that laptop and books it!
My notes: what the fuc is evengoing on even
WICKED GAME
...Meanwhile, Aria and Ezra are having a calm, adult conversation about their relationship. It ends in lovemaking while a Chris Isaak cover plays, and a possible end to the affair.
PACKING UP
Emily: "What are you even tossing around looking for, exactly?"
Hanna: "I don't know! I'm just antsy! Fulla beans!"
Spencer: "Look, even Alison told me that there's something here the police can use."
Hanna: "Fucking excuse me? When was this?"
Spencer: "Um, yesterday."
Hanna: "Emily, are you hearing this shit?"
Emily: "Yeah, it happens. Didn't you also have that?"
Hanna: "That's right, when I got run over. I think we all may need professional help with our mental stuff after all."
Downstairs, they hear Melissa and Garrett, who are flirting about who gets to carry the box of one million blank thank you notes. It would seem they are dating -- or else this is his child and has been the whole time, even when he was dating Jenna -- but either way, they are super scary as a duo. They kiss, she offers him a beer, and then she explains how she's been scaring the piss out of Spencer since they were kids, and she knows Spence won't turn them in.
That's when the cops show up, bust in, and arrest Garrett for the murder of Alison DiLaurentis. And, of course, it's that exact moment that the Liars get stuck coming down the stairs with their many boxes of evidence, so Melissa gets to shoot eye-daggers directly into the eye of Spencer, even though it was Jenna and Toby that did the whole thing.
WHO SPEAKING OF
Is right this second back at her vanity, wiping off her lipstick for a crazy long time with her sunglasses off, and then -- quick as Pan! -- she spots a fly crawling around on the trim of the mirror, and smashes it with one mighty blow! Eyesight! Fake forgiveness! Framing Garrett! Lightning reflexes! Killer instinct! This girl has it all, you guys. They really got me this time.
While a version of "Them There Eyes" plays -- snerk -- she smiles and blows a kiss to herself in the mirror, and then stares creepily at us for about ten minutes.
My notes: holy sht
A-TAG
Martha cleans up the mess she made, down in the cellar of the doll hospital, and although she's annoyed about the charade she pulled, she's more than happy with the envelope of cash A hands her. And Seth's just happy for the huge lollipop. The show proper ends with him, holding his lollipop, staring right into your motherfucking soul.
FINALE
A masked ball! Countdown to midnight! A scary hotel! A backdoor pilot for the Brookhaven spinoff I just invented in my mind! A will be revealed! And most terrifying of all, somebody actually lets Hanna behind the wheel of a car, which can only end in more tragedy. When will these dudes learn?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.