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Characteristically clever performances and a real sense of pacing and stakes -- unsurprising, given that the episode was directed by Roger "Cruel Intentions" Kumble -- and this late in the season, it's nice to feel that ramping-up danger and momentum that usually leads to lots of Noel Kahn and/or Hanna getting run over by cars.
Spencer is shocked to find that Melissa's the one barging into the room on that slowly resolving video of Caleb's, putting her firmly back into the A category. After she spots her sister getting into Garrett's car and lying about it, Spence loses her mind and ends up drunk at Wren's place, which is amazing. Melissa eventually shows up (still pregnant, and possibly the baby is Garrett's now?) and lures Spencer out to the barn without her phone.
Which would be scary enough, because Melissa is sketchy as hell, except that Hanna is simultaneously discovering that the Vivian Darkbloom clue also leads back to Melissa, who was working at the now-abandoned law firm whence the original A's texts were coming (back when it was just Alison getting stalked). Something Spencer might want to know before going with her sister to a second location.
Hanna's also got this entire other storyline going on where Mona is getting the A treatment, specifically being blackmailed over her shoplifting to turn in Ashley for sleeping with Wilden that time. It's Mona, so of course she ends up taking the fall for her precious Hanna, but it doesn't seem that A is quite done with her yet either.
Spencer is of course pissed when she finds out that Aria's been seeing Ezra this whole time while commiserating with her over Toby, but Aria gets paid back double when Ezra reveals that he might take the NOLA job after all. But Ella -- who's pretty clearly in the know at the beginning of the episode -- eventually shows up at their love hideaway and finally gets them to explain their weird love affair over tea. In any other situation, probably this would be unrealistic, but Ella's a good mom and Aria's a good kid and Ezra is clearly arrested in some major ways, so props to Mrs. M for thinking outside the box. Especially if it means sticking it to stupid Byron in some way.
Meanwhile, Emily's still in her Maya holding pattern, even after Paige returns with a cute new human-being haircut and reveals that she's officially out of the closet. Emily's not sure how to respond to her aggressive courtship, but in the last few moments of the episode, the cops show up with what is hopefully some truly grisly news about Maya's whereabouts.
up: Only three more episodes until A is revealed! What?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Actually, no. First, go read Libba Bray's Beauty Queens, because it will change your life.
PREVIOUSLY
Ashley Marin slept with dreamy-but-mean Detective Wilden to get her daughter Hanna out of a shoplifting charge. Later, she stole money from an old lady and kept it in the pasta cabinet, where nobody would think to look, because of carbs. Hanna ruined some weddings, had real bad luck with cars and boats, and is dating a werewolf.
Ella Montgomery kind of secretly knew that her daughter Aria was still holding hands and doing strange paper bag sex rituals with a man-child, but held her tongue -- until Aria nearly caused a martial arts expert to die of an aneurysm from her constant harassment and questions. Into this mix comes a third fellow, Jonah, an acquaintance of Vivian Darkbloom, who does not exist.
Emily Fields was off the swim team for arbitrary shovel-related reasons, which was especially brutal because their Sisyphean season never ends; her horrible girlfriend Maya vanished into a cloud of ultimata and whining, but psycho-haired former stalker Paige was waiting in the wings. On that note, everybody tried to drown everybody else at least once. At least four conspiracies -- spanning all ages, genders and socioeconomic levels -- are in play to hide the truth of Alison DiLaurentis's life and death. Everybody also at some point or another hooked up with Jenna Thing, who eventually went blind and is now -- the lucky so-and-so -- dating Noel Kahn, whose love and eventual dastardy has sent Mona Vanderwaal into whole new realms of insanity and sudden unforeseen skills.
Spencer found out that Jason DiLaurentis is her half-brother, and used this information -- as she uses all information -- to try and solve various murder mysteries that she likely will never solve, because she is a crazy person and because her family members have a habit of vanishing suddenly for long periods of time, leaving her in an empty half-lit house that more and more resembles the Cavanaugh Place. The only bright spot, now that her lover Toby has run for the hills, is an incredibly hot young British doctor named Wren.
Sometimes people are named things like "Wren," or "Thayer," but to be honest it's not very often that this happens, even in Rosewood.
PRE-JONAH MTG
Liars: "Wait, so you just randomly have two grand that you're going to give to this sketchy corporate spy?"
Aria & Spencer: "Yes, and you can't come."
Emily & Hanna: "Why not?"
Aria: "Because see above RE: Sketchy Corporate Spy. You two are the weak links, this guy already knows me even if he thinks I'm Alison, and Spencer is supplying the money."
Liars: "Which, whence?"
Spencer, off her game for once: "Um, It's fr... Portfo... Investme... Prosti... I have a relative. Relative."
Aria: "I mean, it's a bargain at any price. And once we all get murdered it's not like we'll ever have to pay this money back."
Mona Vanderwaal: "Hey, ladies!"
Liars: "It's not that we're not feeling more friendly toward you after the past several episodes of you worming your way into our affections, but now is not the time."
Mona: "Nothin' new there. Hanna, can we talk?"
Hanna: "I can't go shopping with you today, I have secret things going on."
Mona: "Are you saying constantly being blackmailed, chased, murdered and humiliated is more important than shopping with Mona Vanderwaal?"
Hanna: "Nothing of the sort, I just need to push it. How about we skip school tomorrow morning?"
A: Mean text to Mona, causing her face to fall, to the effect that while Ashley was willing to whore it out for her daughter, Mona's mom is not that awesome. Blackmail!
Hanna: "That's so crazy, I always make that exact same face when I get a text from my stalker, threatening my person or friends unless I deal with some incredibly complex ethical conundrum. Anyway, TTYL!"
MARIN
Wilden shows up at the back door as Ashley's unloading groceries.
Wilden: "Just like old times, huh? Anyway, I need to ask Hanna about that one time they all put on costumes and stole documents from the Medical Examiner's office."
Ashley & Hanna: "You can fuck off. It's not even that good of a story."
Wilden: "I am cool as a very mean cucumber."
THE HASTINGS HOME FOR ETERNAL PREGNANCY
Melissa: "Wait, so Jason is our brother? No wonder he's such a bad kisser. Listen, I am getting real sick of being pregnant forever, and I didn't come back from Mystic Falls just to hear a bunch of the usual Hastings hoo-hah. Let's just say we hate our parents and move on. I've got some vampire-related serial killing to do on another show."
Spencer: "I mean, how sad for our mom though. To live door to those awful people and know that one of them was her husband's bastard."
Melissa: "I don't know who the father of my kid is, either. You don't see me whining -- I am just on the go."
Spencer: "Okay, well, fuck me for trying. Anyway, Alison probably knew."
Melissa: "Huh, I'm going to pretend that's not very interesting. On a separate topic, does anybody else know? Did Alison tell people generally about the huge amounts of stuff she knew all the time?"
Spencer: "Your questions do not make me suspicious in the slightest."
Melissa: Uncharacteristically sweet and loyal for a hot minute.
Spencer: Doesn't even really care at this point. You best watch that hot ass, girlfriend. I don't trust Melissa for shit.
APRÈS-NATATION, LE DÉLUGE
Emily: "Maya, ever since you issued that ultimatum and then acted on it I have the weirdest feeling that you did exactly what you said you were going to do. I'm going to keep leaving you voicemails until I am as old as you are now."
Paige: "The swimming season is over! What the hell are you going to talk about all the time?"
Emily: "Um, do I know you?"
Paige: "It's me, Paige! I have a normal human haircut now, instead of looking like an assassin from a Wong Kar-wai movie."
Emily: "Oh right, the girl who tried to kill me, then stalked me, then I dated. In rapid succession. You're actually pretty gorgeous without all that distracting crazy on your head."
Paige: "I couldn't help overhearing that Maya finally died of old age. Would you like to accompany me on a turn 'round the one street of our town?"
SHOPPING W/MONA
Mona: "So, clothing and such."
Hanna: "...Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Because I don't care."
A: Another mean text about Hanna, blackmail, etc.
Hanna: "Suddenly I am curious about this. You say you've been getting texts from the mysterious A, telling you to do destructive and/or humiliating things? Curious."
Mona: "Yeah, it's getting really 'boring.' Like, I shoplifted this necklace I'm wearing, and they're fucking with me about that, and it's so dumb. What is life without theft?"
Hanna: "First of all, you best take that necklace back to the store immediately. And also, am I involved in this?"
Mona: "Funny you should say that."
She produces a picture of Ashley about to bone Detective Wilden and explains that A seems to believe that Ashley awesomely fucked him to save Hanna from jail. Like it just slipped her mind that this was going on, until Hanna jogged her memory.
"Oh, that's right! My bad, yes. I am totally supposed to blackmail your mom."
Hanna: "What about when it escalates?"
Mona: "If I could handle that bitch Alison DiLaurentis without making little cuts on my legs, texts from a ghost ninja are not going to faze me."
Hanna: "Okay, so now I have to worry about protecting Caleb, my mom, the Liars and their respective boyfriends and families, and you? Shit, I better write this down. We don't want another Therapy Anne situation."
THE DROP
Spencer: "Do you think you could just sit on this park bench and not do anything irritating?"
Aria: "I simply cannot."
Spencer: "Good thing you're so cute."
Jonah: "Hey, Alison. Do you have my money and who's this girl with the crazy eyes?"
Spencer: "I am the money, motherfucker. Hand over the info!"
Aria: "Spencer, chill. Hello, Jonah. How nice to see you again."
He gives them a piece of paper, once he's able to yank the money out of Spencer's death grip, but it only contains an address -- the threats were coming from a burner phone. Spencer threatens to break his arm and face.
Jonah: "Remember that this is the money Vivian already owed me. As far as I'm concerned, giving you info is just a favor to sweeten the deal."
Aria: "He's right. Let there be honor among thieves. He's already lost so much."
Spencer: "Fine. We'll go to this address. But we're not done, you ratty-looking son of a bitch."
Jonah: "You got some scary friends, Alison."
Garrett: Creeper.
Aria: "...And there's another one, parked over there in broad daylight. Officer Garrett. Guess we're done for now."
Spencer: "I'll fuck him up, too. I don't give a damn anymore. My identity is spiraling out of control."
Aria: "Lady, you have got to chill. Maybe you should take up Tang Soo Do or something, channel that crazy."
Spencer: "Not even Krav Maga would take the edge off where I'm headed right now. Man, I wish my sister had an older boyfriend I could steal. That would really hit the spot."
MARIN
Hanna: "Well, I guess Aria and Spencer screwed up the drop somehow. Mom, you need help with dinner?"
Ashley: "Sure, grab some pasta. The eating kind, not the kind we use instead of bank accounts."
I: Can't help thinking that any pasta reference in the Marin household is a secret shout-out. To all of us.
Hanna: "So how weird was that, that Wilden would come back here after being a prisoner in your boudoir for like an entire season?"
Ashley: "As your dad has already demonstrated, men are beasts. They can't get enough of this booty."
Hanna: "You know what it reminded me of is that one time you slept with him."
Ashley: "We don't talk about that, Hanna. That's one of the things we really, really don't talk about."
Hanna: "Okay, but like how bad would it be, if people found out you did this ridiculous thing last season?"
Ashley: "You think Kate's a bitch now? Wait 'til your dad gets custody and you end up Brady Bunched with her."
EZZZRIA
Ezra: "I can't talk right now, Aria. I have a grownup job and you are a little child."
Aria: "I just wanted to talk about feelings and stuff."
Ezra: "If by 'feelings' you mean your father's campaign to get me shipped to New Orleans, I am totally taking that job. College girls are just like you, but legal, and they never age or grow body hair."
Aria: "I think we should talk about it in person. I'm not past puberty yet, maybe you just need a little reminder of what I'm packing... Anyway, haha, Emily! Talk to you later!"
Ella: "Was that Emily? Or you doing a talking-to-Emily impression? And anyway, here's that letter that A left on his car the night that you were threatened with French vegan food. It looks suspiciously identical to the note that I received about your dad's affair, so I'm inclined to believe it. Omnipotent, omniscient and ubiquitous ghost ninjas being remarkably reliable in my experience."
Aria: "So you're saying you totally know I'm still with Ezra, and this is your way of warning me that the jig is up?"
Ella: "I'm not saying anything. Just watch your ass, okay?"
Aria: "Your maternal ambivalence is one of the coolest things about this show, oddly enough."
POST-WALKABOUT
Emily: "We sure did raise a lot of money for something or other."
Paige: "We make a great team! Of lovers."
Paige: "Hey Mom, just chilling with my friend Emily. No, we're not doing it."
Emily: "So now you talk to your mom about girls?"
Paige: "Oh, right! Side note, in addition to therapy and this haircut, I also came out of the closet."
Emily: "Did your son of a bitch father murder you, literally?"
Paige: "No, they were weirdly cool about it. I mean, they freaked out like all parents kind of have the prerogative to do, but the storm didn't last long."
Emily: "That is really great news. Coming out is a really healthy choice, I'm proud."
Paige: "I was inspired by your wonderful groundbreaking storyline last season. Hey, do you want to go on a date and be my girlfriend and live together in a bungalow and have cats?"
Emily: "Uh..."
Hanna Text: SOS, LADY!
Emily: "Whew! I gotta go."
Paige: "Was that from Maya? Is she able to navigate a smartphone all of a sudden?"
Emily: "No, but I do have to go. Let's stick a pin in this."
LIAR MTG
Liars: "Oh my God, you have the coolest mom on the planet."
Hanna: "I know, but now it might really burn her, me, us, Mona, who knows."
Liars: "Why didn't you tell us about this?"
Hanna: "There's a lot I don't tell you guys. You may have noticed it causes a shit-ton of problems."
Emily: "Good thing you have the awesomest mom on the show."
Aria: "Hey! My mom is the best thing about me!"
Liars: "Valid. Actually, we all have great moms. So Hanna, how long do you think Mona has to live?"
Hanna: "Hours, not days."
Spencer: "Well, we can't tell her anything."
Hanna: "You're right. I'm going to eat my feelings now."
Spencer: "While you're downstairs, check to see if Garrett's still staking us out."
Aria, awesomely, blurts out her entire situation -- Ezra, Ella, the note on the car -- in one breathless sentence. Emily's jaw drops, but Spencer jumps right to the salient point, which is that Aria and Spencer have been commiserating about the loss of Ezra and Toby since the one episode where they broke up with their boyfriends (but both continued to fool around with them). Any other day I think she'd just snark at Aria for having ongoing Fitz drama because it's always so stupid, but today is not the damn day to reveal you've been keeping secrets.
Hanna: "Come downstairs! I was just checking my email and Caleb sent me more of that slowly decoding video!"
So when last we saw the video, everybody was fumbling with the mysterious Alison Box and talking about how much they hate her and how they're all in this over their heads and everybody was turning on everybody else. They heard feet coming up the stairs, and it seemed eminently possible that the NAT Club was about to kill Alison in her own bedroom...
But, as it turns out, it was not Alison stomping up the stairs -- it was MELISSA HASTINGS! Screaming "WHERE IS SHE?"
The Liars gasp and jump back, in that way they often do; Spencer writes one more motherfucker's name on her list for today.
What does it mean? We knew Melissa had NAT ties, over and above the Ian thing, and there was a whole point made in the Halloween episode about her ties to the Older Crowd that the NAT came from. But we also already knew she was covering shit up from that night, so this must be important for another reason entirely. My bet is, she knew about Alison and Ian and their habit of having sex in dirt.
Liars: "So, we should turn them in to the cops, yeah? Like we always say about this video, right before..."
Spencer: "-- No! We can't turn this in."
Liars: "...There it is."
Hanna: "Fuck it. I'll turn her ass in, pregnant or not."
Aria: "Seriously. Let's burn the jerks."
Spencer: "Let me talk to my sister first. She's been eventually absolved every time she's looked suspicious, and honestly I can't deal with one more thing with my family today. Just give me time."
Liars: "No. You find her now, drive to Mystic Falls if you have to, and get to the bottom of this."
Spencer: "Well, and don't forget, we still have to investigate that strange address. We could end this whole thing before I ever even have to start yet more shit with my awful sister."
WALTER & JAMES GASTRO PUB
Waitress: "Welcome to Rosewood's second eating establishment! Something to drink?"
Spencer: "I'm sixteen. I'm just waiting here for my sister to show up so we can talk about her involvement in a conspiracy regarding the death of my best friend. She's pregnant with the baby of one of the men who has been stalking me since I was a child, so it could take a while. How about coffee?"
YESTERDAY'S TRASH, TOMORROW'S NEWS -- A
Mona: "Okay, well, right after you told me the whole shoplifting/sexual favors thing was a lie, your police report showed up at my door with a mean note from a dead person."
Hanna: "So I lied. What, am I going to advertise the amount of degradation I put my family through regularly?"
Mona: "Actually, that's what I have to do. A says if I don't tell the newspaper about this little cathouse your family is running, I'll go to jail for my own shoplifting. Regardless of how much I, like everyone else, adore your mom."
Hanna: "I would prefer that you not do that."
Mona: "And seeing as how I am obsessively in love with you, I admit it does seem unlikely."
THE BOY W/ THE ARAB STRAP
Twee Britpop playin' at the gastropub? Can tiny sexy Wren be far behind? ...No, the answer is no. Not far behind at all. Spencer sneaks a shot and then he appears, as if by twee magic.
Wren: "Crikey, it must be bloody fate!"
Spencer: "Uh, no. You work across the street at the hospital, and this is the only bar in Rosewood. Anyway, you'd best scamper, as nice as it is to see you, because I'm meeting Melissa."
Wren: "You're saying it would be weird to sit down and have a drink with your sister, just the three of us?"
Spencer: "That is what I'm sayin... Hey, did she just run and jump in Garrett's car instead of coming inside? First of all, what a dick, and second of all, they barely know each other."
Wren: "Uh, he came with her to her baby appointment last week, so I'm guessing they've gotten closer."
Melissa Text: "Lies."
Spencer: "That's fucked up. I'm going to drink more and make amazing decisions."
THE THREAT IS REAL
Mona: "What do you mean, it's real?"
Hanna: "Okay, well, I've been getting stalked by this same person. Run over with a car, forced to eat cupcakes, that fashion show got turned into a Satanic ritual, there were these boats in the lavatory once, crashed a wedding, Spencer got chased through a bell tower, it's been a huge mess. Just trust me, A is not fucking around."
Mona: "And so what is the solution?"
Hanna: "Not sure. Mostly we talk about lip gloss and fail to refill our ADHD prescriptions long enough to focus on this crucial shit."
A: Also, Mona has until 10 AM to turn over that evidence, or else.
I love how in the last two seasons Hanna has changed so much that now, her big problem is not getting people to do things for her. You know what I mean? When it started, she would probably have let anybody (well, maybe not Mona specifically) take the fall, just because she was terrified and A was coming at her so hard. But now, ever since Anne, she's being constantly pushed into ethical conundrums that are about protecting more and more people. She's gone from being A's prime target to being the biggest heroine. Isn't that lovely? I wonder if it scans.
...Okay, like, Spencer was always the one with the plan and she told everybody what to do, but ever since Toby fell off that thing she's been drowning, the opposite of herself. And Aria even, she's been compromising people left and right while still trying to do the right thing: Mikey, Holden, even being Anita were all about doing the kind of work that Hanna's doing now. Her natural pose is one of compassion, which has been taken up by Hanna, while Aria's moving toward the kind of Secret Agent stuff Spencer used to handle.
Meanwhile Emily went from having the most private secrets and problems to being the new Hanna, there for a while: The HGH/recruiter fraud thing was totally a Hanna secret. And now she's just in a sort of Ezria holding pattern because she doesn't have any secrets left, she's just the show's Visible Lesbian and Breakout Canadian Star, which frankly is more than enough. But she's still assumed the new role left behind by...
...Nope, lost it. I think I am not thinking about this correctly, or we don't have all the pieces, but there's definitely been a shift in roles that bears investigating. As the girls continue to shapeshift, and grow, and become more and more awesome, the way Alison (and A) secretly wants/wanted them to.
So but if we look at Vivian Darkbloom as Aria's new Thing, that leads into some really interesting territory. Number one, because whenever it's not about Ezra she admittedly fucking rocks, but also because I've always thought we should explore the dynamic between Aria and Alison more: That Aria would love Alison because of her obsession with her own sophistication, her precocity and the sort of cliffs that can lead you to jump off when you take it to the Alison Extreme. And so it makes sense that whoever Vivian was, that's totally Aria's territory. Becoming Alison, the way Alison became Vivian.
But I think the other thing I'm not getting is where Spencer's head is at, because she's the other one that lends herself to those kind of questions. Aria doesn't have a lock on precocity, or older guys -- she's just naturally romantic, in a way we've only seen Spencer be with Toby. Of all of them, she's the most tainted by the NAT, and the more we learn about Ian and Wren and whoever, the more we see the connections between Stalwart Spencer and Toxic Alison.
In fact, her relationship with Toby also connects her to Jenna, the third of the show's trinity of Dark Sisters, along with Ali and Melissa. And it was Jenna, the most troubled Liar of all, who first pointed out how "haunted" Spencer is, or is becoming. So I think it's Spencer's arc that we're not fully seeing yet, or I'm just not getting, and that is what will end up being the key to the end of the season:
What is Spencer becoming? What are the paces she's being put through, what is her shape?
WELL. DRUNK, FOR STARTERS
Wren offers to drop her at home, and of course she doesn't want to go there because it's universally terrifying, but after a couple more shots I think she'll come up with a better idea. He sure is cute.
THE TE OF HANNA
While Ashley's picking up the homework clutter Hanna left behind, she comes across the police report and A's note. That is so like these girls, to just leave that pivotal shit lying around so they can go have adventures.
At the address Jonah gave them is a mansion law office like they have downtown here in Austin, which is pretty clearly abandoned. Emily and Aria focus on the chain and locks on the gate, but it's Hanna who easily opens the gate from the other side. It swings easily. It seems highly symbolic and correct that Hanna would be the one to just swing the gate open like that, doesn't it? The more you grow up and change, the more often the easy way is also the correct way, because you're not getting in your own way all the time.
Inside the building -- this part takes a while, because it is very suspenseful -- is a scary old squatter hobo, which causes them to scream some more and run away even as he's demanding their fingernails or whatever. They scatter, but Aria's able to grab an envelope from the house's mail slot before she falls off the porch in her ridiculous boots. (How ridiculous? The usual amount, although I'd be remiss at this point if I didn't point out the leopard-print tights completing what she must think of as a super-stealthy outfit.)
THE TAO OF SPENCER
Wren's gorgeous apartment, roaring fire, and Spencer being super drunk and super sensual all over the place, snagging more booze and talking shit about Melissa, and doing the most hilarious line of the episode:
Wren: "My family has issues, too..."
Spencer, with amazing accent: "Did somebody butta their bread wif a steak knoif?"
She does this kind of seductive/wobbly dance around Wren, they clink and drink, and she makes it very clear that they are going to be doing it in a minute, once they get real sexy about their mental issues.
Spencer: "I have an obsessive need to win at everything, even yoga."
Wren: "I have OCD, for my part."
Spencer: "Is that the reason your library is slightly out of order?"
Wren: Panic.
Spencer: "Just kidding. Let's make out."
They do. It is awesome. I prefer to ignore the fact that this is probably Toby-related fallout in addition to the other million things Spencer's got going on lately.
MARIN, POST-MISSION
The building was, once, the FWL Law Firm. Aria fusses at Hanna about how clearly A does not work at a law firm, both because she is a disembodied and vengeful spirit and also because people only work at law firms who are over thirty. And once again, Hanna just does the obviously correct thing and Googles it: It closed down a few months ago, they don't recognize any of the people on staff, and apparently we've hit a dead end so it's back to Ashley vs. Mona.
OH SPENCER
Spencer: "I remember the first time I saw you, I just thought, Damn. Just damn."
Things get way hot, but then Wren -- for the first time in Rosewood history -- decides that taking advantage of a drunk high schooler is not a good idea. A new precedent. I knew he was a keeper.
Spencer: "Oh, I'm pissed all right. Schnockered. Smashed. I thought you were really into me?"
Wren: "I am, which is why this isn't happening."
It is at this point that Spencer goes flailing over the back of the couch, in a sort of languid, Lana Turner We Love You slide, that has them both laughing and adorable.
EMILY PLS GET UP
Emily's picking up the food for this latest paranoid sleepover when she spots a random black girl and, being a huge racist, approaches her to ask if she is Maya or if she possibly knows Maya. The girl is not, does not, and gives our girl some hilariously bitchy side-eye before turning her back. Emily, please get up!
Outside, she bumps into Paige, who gets worried and tells her some comforting things about the breakup and then, of course, after a brief shit-talking session about the many problems of Maya, leans in for a great big make-out. Oh, Paige. Always that tiny extra bit of crazy, huh?
AM
So it's 10:15 when Hanna finally gets around to approaching Mona about whether or not her mother is going to lose custody of her or Mona is going to jail or how that all panned out. Like a nice leisurely morning before you find out for sure whether the shit has hit the fan. Mona, for her part, is dressed like a DayGlo disco superhero, so I'm guessing she did the right thing.
Mona: "Hanna, obviously I wouldn't give the town paper information about your mom hustling the cops on your behalf. I just took that necklace back to the jewelry store whence I stole it, and then got to have a nice meeting with the cops and my mom about how I have personal problems, and now I will be doing community service."
Hanna: "That's terrible that that happened to you. But not so shitty for me, frankly."
Mona: "Yeah, well."
MEANWHILE
Spencer wakes up on Wren's couch, figures out that it's 10:30 in the morning, has some assmar, and freaks out in the usual Spencer way. Wren is a total dreamboat about the entire thing, and they are super cute and sweet together. God, Spencer deserves a little more Wren in her situation.
Or else both Mona and Wren are hired killers on A's payroll and that's why they're being so fantastic: Inside Mona's lunch is an apple, with a message from A about how she's not free and clear just yet, but Mona -- proving once again that she is smarter than all four Liars put together -- just hands Hanna the note instead of making a bunch of fooferaw about the situation, and she is rewarded with an invite to the Liars' table. Which makes me think more than ever that she is sketch.
ROSEWOOD PD
Ashley brings the old police report to Wilden and yells at him some more, but then he points out that he is just as endangered by their little thing as she is, and they wonder together who on earth could be using Hanna to blackmail or threaten them with the past. I'd imagine in a town where the water supply itself is full of amnesia, that being accused of your past actions is even scarier than it would be in real life.
HEARTBREAK HOEDOWN
More calling Maya from Emily; more delusions from Aria.
Aria: "That's so dumb how my dad thinks you're taking that job."
Ezra: "Well, it's funny, because I probably am. Things are too hot here, your dad's on my case, I would be getting tenure track..."
Aria: "If we're about to have another incredibly dramatic breakup, let me put on some extra eyeliner so I can cry it off."
Ezra: "You should probably do that now."
Aria: "Oh God."
They break up. But for once, the pathetic fallacy that follows at Aria's heels has taken the day off, so it doesn't all suddenly turn into a hurricane or sad drizzly afternoon. An eclipse does not suddenly make of the day a night. There's a sad song, but that happens at this point in every episode, without regard to what's going on specifically with Ezra. All of which makes me think this is not permanent. In fact, I think as long as this show is going on, there is going to be Ezra. And I do not mind that one bit, because he is a good actor, and a darling boyfriend for a young lady with a certain worldliness.
Ella: "Why are you lying on your bed and crying again?"
Aria: "Go away! I am wigging out!"
Ella: "No, just tell me why you're upset so we can fix it."
Aria: "No! You are a compatriot in your husband's crimes! You and Byron have stolen the love of my life!"
Ella: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Aria: "Well, I disown you anyway."
Ella: "...Nope. Not goin' out like that."
EZRA'S HOUSE
Aria: "So I just screamed at my mom and the jig is up, so I've got nothing to lose. We're going to continue to talk about your career choices until I get what I want, okay?"
Ezra: "You're being... Kind of awful."
Aria: "And yet I know every button to push."
Knock-knock!
It is Ella Montgomery, looking lovely and no-nonsense as usual. To his credit, Ezra swallows a profanity and then immediately invites her in. I mean, what are you gonna do?
Aria: "Fuckin' unbelievable. Did you bring handcuffs? Or are you just going to yank me out by my hair?"
Ella: "Good one, but neither. Actually, I am going to sit here and you two idiots are going to explain to me exactly what's going on. I understand that my husband has decided to maneuver you out of state, which is creepy enough, but I also feel like my dumb daughter would swiftly follow. That's two problems. So instead, you are going to take it very slow and explain to me exactly how this all went down."
Aria: "Sure, that's a thing that would realistically happen."
Well. Actually, it kind of is in this one case. I mean, at this point you've done everything that you can to make it clear why the situation is creepy, and Aria's a fairly level-headed young person, and as she's pointed out more than once, Ella's a fan of Ezra Fitz which does involve a certain amount of intuiting his threat level, which is nil. So I mean, if it were my daughter* this is absolutely not how it would go, but I can see where she's coming from.
*(Which is not to say that my daughter wouldn't turn out exactly like Aria Montgomery, in the long run. I've been too mean to and about the Arias and Vanessa Abramses of this world not to get exactly what's coming to me. But when she starts dating adorably effete first-year English teachers, that's when the hammer comes down.)
CLIFFHANGERS GALORE!
Who's that creeping around in the house while Spencer obsessively stares at the Melissa footage? Why, it's Melissa. Who refuses to answer questions about Garrett, Ian, or her sudden disappearances unless Spencer accompanies her to the Barn Where Melissa Kills People All The Time. And you know what they say, "You never go to a second location with anybody who's pregnant with the Devil's Spawn." I mean, that's even in the Girl Scout Handbook.
Melissa: "Remember the night of Ian's funeral? I tried to tell you something?"
(I: Personally do not, but this recap is already hella late so let's say I do.)
Spencer: "Can you just tell me whatever?"
Melissa, raising a hammer in the air: "No! I don't want to deal with our parents right now! Get your ass in the barn so I can murder you! Leave your phone!"
Spencer: "Done."
While Ella tries to get Aria and Ezra to stop acting squirrelly for like one time in their entire lives, and the cops are arriving for some fresh hell reason, Ashley's upstairs to check on Hanna and lie about meeting with Wilden when she notes the envelope that Aria snagged at the abandoned mansion law firm.
Ashley: "Hey, why do you have an envelope from this particular law firm? It's the one that did our divorce."
Hanna: "How come? It's in another town entirely. What, did you know somebody that worked there? Maybe with the name A?"
Ashley: "Nope, just MELISSA HASTINGS!"
Cops downstairs: "Also, Maya is missing. They think she might have wandered away from her nursing home."
A-TAG
She's got a gun, and unerring aim, whoever she is. So that's good news for, um, everybody.
WEEK
Melissa tells Spencer precisely half of whatever we need to know, Aria and Hanna are cute together, there are three episodes left before we find out who A is, and Emily goes somewhere fancy. Flashbacks, a terrifying doll hospital, millions of pictures of Alison, a father-daughter dance, Spencer dressed like an aerobics instructor, Hanna getting real, people pretending to care that Maya has been kidnapped, and Melissa acting like a bitch some more. It's all happening in the Rosewood area!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.