In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Spencer's living at Aria's -- thanks to her parent-related blowout last week -- but heads home for a quick meet with her dad (Spencer's Dad is still the hottest dad) when Jason surmises that Alison was bribing Mr. Hastings about her brother's bastardy. This turns out not to be the case, but it does afford Jason and Spencer a fairly beautiful moment together in which they agree that the reason they're both so sketchy and confrontational is because of their shared "wiring." In the end, and after many kick-ass one-liners, she asks Jason for a loan because...
Vivian's contact from last week is an elfin, vulpine cutie named Jonah, and she was using his position at a cellphone store to track down A. When Alison vanished, he went unpaid, so now he wants to stick the Liars with her bill. And they may have to pay any given amount, because he did eventually figure out who was hounding her before he got fired...
Which probably was also A's doing, considering how much A gets around. In this episode alone, she: Sends Byron to Philly to track down Aria's secret hideout with Ezra; sends Detective Wilden and Garrett after Caleb with a court order; and has stashed his computer with some stolen school records (Mona clue?).
In the process of investigating the missing Page Five (stolen by Jenna and Garrett), Wilden also finds a picture of the Liars, dressed up as candy-stripers (during Emily's bout with HGH) to steal the autopsy report. Seems he's still on the case to proving they killed their friend, but after an icy reunion with former lover Ashley Marin, that part might get back-burnered for now.
The computer stuff, silly though it was, was definitely also the most exciting thread this week, as Caleb and Hanna throw around tons of made-up hacker terminology ("They'll never get past my firewall!" and "Keep decoding this phone!" being two classics) in pursuit of a deadly chase in the last act: Just as they're forcing Caleb to open up his computer, Hanna's able to hack into it remotely and clear the decks of all the bad files by decoding the meaning of his password, which includes references to the first night they did it. It is really sweet, and funny, and contains the best exchange of the night:
Spencer: "Erase it all! Ctrl-A! Ctrl-A!"
Hanna: "That's what we're trying to do!"
Spencer: "No, Hanna! Press Ctrl and A!"
Meanwhile, Emily's fresh off a triumphant return to the Sharks, and Ashley throws her a team party at the house. This is a wise move, since it frees up all the other Liars to have their own storylines without making the girls seem isolated, but it also increases the pressure on Maya, whose parents have found another joint in her stuff. Threatened with True North*, Maya's panicked and ready to run for San Francisco, but of course Emily can't accompany her, for reasons that are classified, so it's a bittersweet sort of ultimatum they must end on.
*(Also, Maya was talking to Jason on the street in the middle of the day -- and who's the other person we know that once kicked the old Mary Jane? It would be fascinating if he was her secret ex-boyfriend/stalker, assuming that storyline comes back, but also kind of sucky for everybody. Thanks in advance, Maya.)
Shockingly, the most bracing storyline comes to us via The Aria Show. It doesn't start out too promising -- Ezra wants to take her out for French vegan food, the better to discuss his job plans and demonstrate his resentment for her at the same time -- but quickly turns around once A sends Byron a note to tell his suspicious ass exactly where they're going to be...
Or would be, if not for a surprisingly elegant, even elegiac, twist: Seems the reason Holden's parents are so paranoid about his Fight Club activities is because he was born with an abdominal aortic aneurysm that could pop at any time, and they want to keep him safe. Aria, of course, draws the grody parallel to her relationship, but I think it's the real message that touches her heart: That whether your doom comes in the form of a ghost stalker or a congenital deformity, knowing it's there is not a valid reason to give up living.
These girls, and Holden, are dealing with the prospect of their mortality in a way nobody this young should never have to, and that's a terrible thing. So when she ditches her date with Ezra, the plot result is that Byron never sees Ezra -- although Ezra spots him, and jumps a foot in the air -- but the reason she stays is to watch somebody fuckin' fight. And I found that really beautiful.
Anyway, Week: Mona gets the A treatment, Vivian Darkbloom's secrets continue to unravel, and stupid Aria falls off a roof.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Aria called a mysterious number, bequeathed the Liars by Miss Vivian Darkbloom, and got a mean girl, but later on her boyfriend called back and set up a meet. Holden was in a Fight Club and possibly dealing drugs, or both, or neither. The connections between the (Spencer) Hastings household and the (Alison) DiLaurentis household were fraught and dubious, and Spence finally found out why: She and Ali share a brother, Jason, which I'm betting is why they changed the guy who plays him, to look more like them both. Caleb was under suspicion of both A and the NAT Club -- and unbeknownst to the Liars, NAT charter members Jenna Thing and Officer Garrett stole the fifth page of Ali's autopsy in order to clear their own names.
TRIUMPH!
Of course, the second Emily got back on the team they won whatever world championship they're fighting for this week, in the neverending Hunger Games that is the Pennsylvania Swimming League.
Who is happy to see this is: Everybody.
Who Emily's excited to share it with is: The Liars.
Who brought a glittery posterboard sign that looks like it was made by Ed Gein's brain-damaged cousin who is still in elementary school is: Maya.
Who passive-agressively allows herself to get pushed out of the celebration moment is: Again, Maya.
Who cares is: NOBODY!
Where the team party at: Casa Marin. Just stay out of the pasta cabinet and don't get run over.
Hanna & Caleb: "Our conversation is too mortifying to relate. The gist is that Caleb has a WiFi hotspot."
Liars, meanwhile: "It's going to be weird later today when we meet that guy from inside Vivian Darkbloom's coat."
Aria: "Spencer, don't get mad but my mom was kind of wondering why you live with us now, so she called your mom. I must admit I also wonder why that is."
Spencer: "It is a complicated but fairly central thing I would be smart to explain to you at this time. Therefore, I will act sketchy instead."
Garrett & El Hombre Popular: "Caleb, we have a court order to impound your laptop. Somebody, clearly A, put a bunch of school files on it while you were sleeping at Challenge Day."
Caleb: "It is important for me to know my rights because there is a dark day coming for Internet culture. Therefore, take my impenetrable laptop. But you'll never know my passwords, because they are within my wolfen mind."
Hanna: "This seems like a bad idea, just giving the NAT Club and the guy who still thinks we killed Alison your laptop that contains video of the NAT Club killing Alison."
Caleb: "Hacker arrogance uber alles."
A: "If you were wondering when I was going to come after Caleb, the answer is now."
Liars: "Well, that thing we always assumed would happen to our friend we put in danger is apparently happening."
RISIBLE STUDY OF COMPUTERS LABORATORY
Caleb: "First of all, this is a fishing expedition because there's no way they know anything about what's on my computer. Besides, all of our research is backed up in several different ways. And even if there were bad things on there that I put there, it wouldn't matter because they can't get through my 'firewall.'"
Hanna: "I don't understand how that word goes in that sentence. That is not what that word means. But also, I'm pretty sure a secret person did put shady stuff on your computer, and I'm pretty sure that same person can get through your quote 'firewall.' Please do not ask me how I know this. I received a text about it moments ago that I can't tell you about, in case bad things start happening to you. Such as this. I wish you'd never 'decoded' that phone."
Caleb: "What the hell are we even talking about? It's like we're just using whatever words we feel like. That's not how communication works!"
Hanna: "Anyway. Garrett, as you know, is involved with this secret stuff. So my question is, can you remotely erase things off your hard drive? Is that a thing science will permit you to do?"
LOCKERS
Aria: "Holden, your secret has been weirding me out for weeks now. I must know what it is."
Holden: "Aria, even though I have resisted telling you before, now I will tell you. It is Tang Soo Do. That is a Korean martial art. And I don't even take those pain pills, just carry them around in a gallon-sized freezer bag in case pain occurs."
Aria: "So you really are in a Fight Club. Is it sexy?"
Holden: "You clearly have never been to a martial arts demo. Trust me, it is not. Lots of zits and mouthguards and misplaced teen angst."
Aria: "You had me at 'Tang.' I love that stuff."
SeWiSaDeAlRo1105!
Caleb: "All the letters are initials of cities where I grew up in the order that I lived there, with alternating capital letters."
Hanna: "And then 1105? What's that?"
Caleb: "It's good to use numbers in your password."
Hanna: "And the exclamation point?"
Caleb: "It's good to use punctuation too."
Hanna: "I remember one time Spencer gave us all a really long lecture about this. I wasn't listening then, and I am not listening now."
Caleb: "...Okay, I cannot log into my computer remotely after all. It's turned off so it's not connected to anything."
Hanna: "I guess we should just wait until they turn it on. Good thing I don't have a lot of other shit going on."
MONTGOMERY NUCLEAR
Byron: "...But I hate your friend! I don't like you doing fun things!"
Ella: "Yeah, well, I don't like you fucking undergrads. The only reason I'm having drinks with Noreen in the city is because you're making me drive Aria there to have her date with that little gay fella, and the only reason you're doing that is because you are paranoid and weirdly obsessed with our daughter's sexuality."
Byron: "A fair assessment."
Ella: "I mean, they're nearly adults. Maybe we should just let them take the train into town. Instead of dropping them off at random intersections and then running off to get drunk, I mean. Maybe that's overprotective, us doing that."
Byron: "Well, we will keep doing it until I manage to get Ezra Fitz shipped off to New Orleans, like that will ever, ever happen."
Ella: "I hate so much about the person you choose to be."
ROSEWOOD'S SINGLE STREET
Spencer lurks around town, feeling like a girl with a newfound brother, and checks out the office where Jason occasionally works. It is closed. But a block away, he is standing there buying street meat from a truck, so it worked. And who's that with him?
Maya: "...Anyway, it's been nice catching up ever since we stopped smoking weed."
Jason: "And maybe had a bisexual encounter."
Spencer: "Thank goodness I didn't notice you talking to my best friend's elderly girlfriend for some reason."
Jason: "It is weird that we are related. Hey, how are things going with your dad? Are you still under the impression that he was once capable of being normal?"
Spencer: "I would like to think that my incredibly sketchy father did like one normal thing, yeah. I'm having trouble with it. But whatever, I mean, I'm essentially feral anyway, so it's not a huge thing on my to-do list."
ROSEWOOD'S SINGLE PARK
Jason: "But wait, there's more. I found another secret Ali box, this time under the floorboards of Hilton Head."
Spencer: "Why hide things that stay hid? That's another saying of Alison's. It makes no sense, like most things she liked to say."
Jason: "Okay, well there were love letters in there from your dad to my drunk insane mom, and also fifteen grand was in there."
Spencer: "Where would Ali have gotten that kind of money?"
Jason: "Think about it."
Spencer: "I mean, it's Alison. Prostitution, gun-running, drug-dealing, contract killing, that thing where guys pay you to step on tiny towns..."
Jason: "No, I meant that she was blackmailing our father. About his bastard. Focus, Spencer."
ROSEWOOD'S SINGLE DINER
Liars: "Let's all act incredibly sketch until that guy shows up, and then 'hide' behind menus so he doesn't notice us eavesdropping."
Jonah: "You must be that person I'm looking for. I can tell by your copy of Lolita."
Aria: "I was just leaving that around so some even older man will come rescue me from the hothouse orchid that is Ezra Fitz, but you're right, that would have been smart."
Jonah: "I'm plenty cagey about all this, so allow me to instantly download the entire backstory of my relationship with Vivian Darkbloom to you, a total stranger."
He used to work at Alleghany Cellular, in their corporate HR. Vivian offered to pay him to figure out who was sending her the scary A texts, which he did, but then she died so he never got paid, and also he lost his job, and also the mean girl on the phone last week is his girlfriend, so don't call that number anymore. Vivian knew who A was, is the upshot, but now for the Liars to get that same info they're going to have to pay him two grand. Not a stable figure, it could go up depending on how desperate Aria -- whom he assumes is Vivian's friend, Alison -- acts, which means it is going to go up.
Liars: "So probably finding out the truth about A was what got her killed. We should follow in her footsteps for sure, and also get killed. Where do we get the money?"
Hanna: "Well, I certainly shan't sell my precious lasagna noodles. A woman's got to have some dignity about her treasures. Without my pasta, whom would I be?"
SCHOOL
The cops are mean to Caleb on the phone, and he starts thinking about cooperating. You know precisely what's going to happen there -- you even know what the "1105!" is about, honestly -- but that doesn't mean the end of this episode isn't going to rock your face anyway.
EZZZZZZZRIA
Aria: "Wow, a tenure track position in New Orleans? The town where teenage girls are encouraged to flash their tits at you? Yeah, I can't see an upside. I think this is mostly about me, if we're being honest."
Ezra: "It always is, my darling. Let's continue this macabre charade where we pretend I'm considering the job at a new restaurant that just opened."
Aria: "Is it horrible?"
Ezra: "It is French food."
Aria: "French food is so rich and delicious! So many flavors and textures and tastes to savor."
Ezra: "It is also vegan."
Aria: "You must really love me."
Ezra: "Did you not hear what I said?"
ROSEWOOD PD
Det. Wilden: "Garrett, do not open that laptop. It will connect to Caleb's hotspot and/or give you the chance to clear your own name."
Garrett: "Today I learned bluffing from Caleb, so okay."
Det. Wilden: "I wanted to ask you about a related matter. Remember how you stole that pivotal page of Ali's autopsy?"
Garrett: "Nope."
Det. Wilden: "Well, I randomly found this mysterious photograph that relates to it."
Garrett: "This could be bad news for... Wait, is this porn?"
BYRON MONTGOMERY, PROFESSIONAL CREEP
A: "Dear Byron, I am just leaving this note to say that your daughter will be having French vegan food tonight at Quelle Horreur French Vegan Bistro. Please step in before her date escalates this abusive behavior. I saw something, I'm saying something."
MARIN/FIELDS PREPARTY
Hanna: "Mom, can't we reach into the pasta and toss a little scrill Caleb's way? For legal representation?"
Ashley: "I love that boy like my own son. But he can fend for himself this time."
Maya: "I'm here! I brought prunes for your teen party!"
Emily: "Why do you look so jacked up?"
Maya: "I need to tell you some lies for no reason. Can we speak privately?"
Hanna: "Hey Maya, how's that hip?"
Ashley: "Well, Hanna. Apparently Det. Wilden has found some porn of you. We're required at the station."
FIELDS SCHOOL OF GERONTOLOGY
Maya: "You know how your mom had me kidnapped to Jesus Camp that time?"
Emily: "I do seem to recall."
Maya: "Well, my parents found another joint in my stuff. Side note that you won't notice for some reason, I also found another Alison box."
Emily: "Maya, are you smoking reefer again? Lying to me will only create problems, whereas I don't actually care if you smoke pot, so choose wisely."
Maya: "I choose to lie to you! Anyway, they're sending me back to Jesus Camp."
Emily: "NEVER! FOR SOME REASON!"
ROSEWOOD PD
Ashley: "Detective Wilden. It's been a while since you last disappeared into my boudoir for a season and a half, then abruptly reappeared to charge the Girls with Aggravated Shovel Finding. How are things going?"
Wilden: "I'm still pretty hot, but other than that I've just been obsessively hounding your daughter and her friends. Check out this porn."
It is a picture of the three Liars in their candy-stripers' uniforms that time that Emily was juicin' and they went into the morgue and stole all but Page Five of the autopsy report and A WAS IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME UNDER A SHEET PRETENDING TO BE DEAD!
Question 1: Why is this an Ashley problem and not everybody?
Question 2: WTF, Hanna?
Hanna: "Mom, we were bored because Emily's guts were turning inside out and that's kind of boring. So we dared Spencer to go into the morgue, because she is invincible."
Ashley: "And?"
Hanna: "And she was grossed out by the fact that the ME eats at his desk, but that was it. What, you think she'd show human feeling about dead people?"
Ashley: "Valid. I feel like you're lying about some or all of this."
Hanna: "I am. The important thing is that we didn't steal Page Five. We don't even know who did."
Ashley: "If you're not getting run over or killing boys in lakes, you're finding shovels or wrecking weddings or stealing from the dead. It's always something."
Hanna: "I know, and I'm sorry."
Ashley: "Are you kidding? I love it! Who's mommy's little trainwreck?"
Hanna: "...I am."
ELLA!
Ella: "PS, your dad is being an unbelievable tool."
Aria: "What else is new?"
Ella: "Can you give me some information about where you go when we abandon you in the city? Just to cool him down?"
Aria: "Look, we just like it there. They have museums, and street fairs, and other gay stuff only I would like. There's more than just one restaurant..."
HA!
Ella: "Okay, but here's some new information. Holden has a congenital heart defect that is going to kill him in a future episode right before he tells you who A is. So you can understand why his parents are so overprotective as to wonder why we keep driving you kids into Philly and then running off to get drunk and picking you up hours later."
Aria: "That kid is full of fuckin' surprises, isn't he?"
SWIM TEAM VICTORY PARTY!
Liars: "The cops called them down there? Which cops?"
Emily: "The... What? The Timecops, idiot. It was Rosewood PD. What do you even mean?"
Liars: "She meant Garrett and Wilden, duh. But if this was about Alison, wouldn't we all get called down?"
Liars: "That question will just never be answered, will it?"
Hanna: "Page Five, photograph of us in candy-striper outfits, thumb over the nips."
Spencer: "Okay, so what that tells me is that we need to pay off Jonah immediately, because Caleb is going to jail."
Liars: "Okay, where are you going to get two grand?"
Hanna: "My lasagna funds are tapped."
Spencer: "I'm going home. Probably to steal jewelry, like I always do."
Liars: "Why don't you just get it from wherever you got the money to buy back Melissa's ring that time you hocked it? That never got explained."
Spencer: "Neither will this. Farewell."
PHILLY
Holden: "Okay me and my heart condition are off. Seeya!"
Aria: "It was easier when you were just secretly gay and getting beaten at home. This is much rougher. On me, I mean."
Holden: "Your loyalty means the world to me."
Aria: "I'm just going to stand here and watch you walk off to your probable death. Much more dramatic this way."
THE PERMANENT TWILIGHT OF THE HASTINGS ABODE
Peter Hastings: "Spencer, is that you stealing my checkbook?"
Spencer: "Certainly not."
Peter Hastings: "Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about impregnating that lady with a bastard that time. The circumstances are unwieldy to explain, but let's just say that your mother and I were unmarried and she was off at law school, whereas Ken and Jessica were just the hot young newlyweds door. Shit happened, she got pregnant, they moved to Atlanta for a while and when they came back I had a kid I never knew about."
Spencer: "Why did they come back here? And why did you let his little sister blackmail you?"
Peter Hastings: "I don't know, and that didn't happen. You and Jason have arrived at the wrong conclusion. I never paid them anything. Even that time I committed disbarrable offenses to help Jason was billable."
THE UNENDING DRAMA OF MAYA
Humans: "Emily, this party at your house for our team is so fun! Thanks for inviting us."
Emily: "Yes! Among our people, a party is a social gathering in which people enjoy themselves while celebrating a holiday or recent triumph."
Maya: "I will do everything in my power to shit all over this party, for I am the worst."
Emily: "Yeah, I don't even really get why you're here."
Maya: "Can't we just go somewhere? Away from all these people?"
Emily: "If by these people you mean my party guests, you're even more senile than I thought. Or just really fuckin' rude."
BROCASE BRODOWN, PART II
Jason: "I'm pretty sure your dad lied. For if he was not being blackmailed, why did Alison have this money? And more to the point, our father is a liar."
Spencer: "I learned long ago that conspiracy theories, while satisfying in the short term, rarely justify our anger in the end. Just kidding, I totally understand where you're coming from. But in this case I honestly just don't think he was up to anything."
Jason: "This conversation is over! Momentarily."
MEMO TO EMILY RE: MAYA SUCKS
Emily: "Maya, why are you hiding on the porch?"
Maya: "Because I am truly terrible."
Emily: "And what's that cigarette in your mouth?"
Maya: "This show's idea of what a joint looks like."
Emily: "So you kind of still smoke pot, huh?"
Maya: "Yeah, but this time it's more about ruining your party for you."
A CLEVERLY HIDDEN MESSAGE
Caleb: "Hanna, I'm at the police station. I'm in a bit of a hot spot, if you understand what I mean."
Hanna: "This is Hanna Marin you're speaking to. I'll get there eventually."
Caleb: "Hanna, I'm serious. Please just try to remember our one other scene in this episode..."
Cops: "Caleb, get in here and assume the position."
TANG SOO DO
Aria: "On second thought, I'm going to bust a move up into that martial arts demo and try to ruin everything for Holden."
Holden: "Um, why are you here?"
Aria: "My mom says you're going to die or something. So I wanted to stop that from happening. Through the power of staring and judging you silently."
Holden: "It's called an abdominal aortic aneurism, and it's can rupture any time. Even whilst playing Apples To Apples with my nerd parents."
Aria: "So your doctor's medical advice...?"
Holden: "Immaterial. Sometimes what people believe is best for you is not what is actually best for you."
Aria: "Even doctors?"
Holden: "Especially doctors. And that's one to grow on."
Aria: "Holden, don't do this! This is a Tang Soo Don't!"
The championship starts; Aria texts Ezra to tell him she can't make their dirt-tasting hateful date. Holden immediately drops dead.
ROSEWOOD PD
Wilden and Garrett force Caleb to log into his firewall and decode video phones, even after Caleb subtly warns Garrett that -- as he should know by now -- this is going to put him on blast first thing. Garrett still doesn't seem to care. I guess once you've slept with Jenna Thing you become unassailable. Nothing will ever freak you out again.
MARIN INSTITUTE OF PHREAKS & PHREAKING
Hanna: "Spence, thanks for coming over. I need you to hack into this computer."
Spencer: "First of all, that is what Caleb was for, before we got him incarcerated and murdered. Secondly, why don't you call your GF Mona?"
Hanna: "She's not in this episode. The gist here is that Caleb is about to decode his own firewall and we need to protocol his ethernet from here to the hotspot, the second they connect to the WiFi, so that we can delete all of A's files."
Spencer: "Do you know his password? That's not hacking so much as it is, like, simply logging in."
Hanna: "Well, he did awkwardly describe the process for creating his password to me in great detail earlier, but you know..."
Spencer: "You're Hanna Marin, got it. Well, we'll get there eventually."
101 REASONS MAYA SUCKS
Emily: "So you lied to me for no reason about that joint your mom found... And then lit up on the porch of the home where my friend's mom is letting me live? During a party for the team I just bent over backwards to rejoin?"
Maya: "Your tone is a little accusatory."
Emily: "Um..."
Maya: "It gets worse! I get worse, watch. Now, I'm going to give you an ultimatum."
Emily: "Wow."
Maya: "I'm running away to San Francisco! Where they have never heard of Jesus! And you're coming with me!"
Emily: "No, honey. I'm not."
Maya: "What possible reason could you have for not doing whatever insane things I demand?"
Emily: "One million. One million reasons."
Maya: "I think it all comes down to the fact that you're capable of having friends and forming social bonds, while I self-righteously do every single fucking thing I can think of to turn everybody off that I come into contact with."
Emily: "You are very off-putting, generally. That part's true."
Maya: "And it's your fault! Somehow!"
She fucks off to San Francisco, where she is set on fire by a great conflagration, then buried by an earthquake. As she takes her last breath, the physical town of San Francisco is heard to whisper, "Not on my watch, bitch."
COMPLICATED THRILLING MONTAGE
I mean, this part was awesome, but it cuts back and forth between all the Ladies that there's not really a fun way to talk about it.
So: Ezra gets the text from Aria about how she's standing him up... Just in time! Byron is inside the restaurant, chewing on rocks and sucking the juice from nettles and whatever goes on at that place. Ezra's freaked face is one of his cutest faces.
The Jig: It is up. Maybe. Or at least Ezra thinks so. Really, it's just Byron sucking as usual, all alone at Quelle Grande Guignol French Vegan Bistro.
Meanwhile Holden tempts fate on the killing floor of Tang Soo Do, as Hanna pulls out her hair and tries to remember the last four digits of the password while Spencer screams in her face.
Hanna: (Begins to describe the intensely long, complicated password.)
Spencer: "Wow, that gray-hat hacker's password is almost as complicated as mine. Almost."
Finally they figure it out (duh, they fucked in the woods on Guy Fawkes day of last year, everybody knows that) and it opens up -- the folder that A put on Caleb's computer is named "HEFTY," which allows Hanna to do her adorable snarl, and they check inside. It's like SSNs, credit cards, permanent records, the whole thing. A bolus of such magnitude. (And you never know with this show, because isn't that exactly the kind of stuff Mona snagged last week? I mean, not those specific things, but the same system. Hmm.)
Caleb snarks at the cops, who don't know to go right to HEFTY -- or the optimistically named FAMILY ALBUM folder below it, which, aw Caleb -- while Hanna squeals and squirms, and this amazing conversation happens:
Spencer: "We're taking too long Hanna. Just Ctrl-A."
Hanna: "I'm going as fast as I can!"
Spencer: "It's not fast enough, Hanna! Just Ctrl-A."
Hanna: More fumbling.
Spencer: "Ctrl-A!"
Hanna: "What the hell do you think I'm trying to do?"
Spencer: "No, hit Ctrl-A! On the keyboard!"
To be fair, Aria and Emily are rarely called upon to be funny -- and when they are, they do a great job -- but man, Spencer and Hanna are like the Mulally-Offermans of this show. They should really hang out more often.
Garrett and Wilden, of course, assume that Caleb executed some kind of trapdoor or something, because they're watching the incriminating files vanish before their eyes, but Caleb's just like, "Um, I told you I got hacked, and then it acted like it got hacked. Can I go now?"
Oh, and Holden has been victorious I think. That was also happening.
TANG SOO DOZIE DOTES
Holden: "You stayed!"
Aria: "Yeah, don't get used to it. That was effing stressful."
Holden: "That's still pretty cool. Don't stress about my impending death. This Fight Club makes me feel alive. Maybe that's more important."
Aria: "As someone who is on constant edge of being murdered myself -- not to mention my three closest friends, who are way more likely to have bad things happen to them -- I feel you on that."
Byron: "Hey, I'm just calling to check up on you. Not even trying to hide it. I am awful. Just as baldly, I will now demand that you let me talk to Holden, so I can be sure he's not Ezra Fitz. What I'm saying is, my daughter is a lying slut. That's what I'm just openly saying to you, Aria. Without a hint of subterfuge."
EXT. ROSEWOOD PD
Hanna: "Playful slap! Your password contains 1105!"
Caleb: "Yeah, that's Guy Fawkes day. I'm a member of Anonym... Oh right, yeah, we fucked. That's why. Playful slap accepted."
Garrett: "And I would have had you meddling kids too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"
Hanna: "Let's make out in front of Garrett! That isn't a grody idea for six different reasons, but instead a victory lap!"
Garrett: "Fine. If anybody needs me I'll be masturbating in my car, because as you know, I get off on watching little kids make out. I'll be pretending he's your stepbrother, if you don't mind, while crying into one of Jenna's old merry widows."
THE DIMLY LIT CAVE IN WHICH THE HASTINGS FAMILY DWELLS
Spencer: "Hello? Oh, Jason. Yeah, my dad you're obsessed with still isn't here."
Jason: "I'm actually here to apologize to you."
Spencer: "Oh shit, did you take pictures of me sleeping?"
Jason: "No, I just mean you're right. I wanted Ali to be blackmailing our father because it would simplify things. Not actually, but in terms of emotions."
Spencer: "I feel like I already know what you're going to say before you say it."
Jason: "Yeah, we do get into face-offs kind of often. I suppose it's because we're alike in a lot of ways."
Spencer: "Like how we both clobbered Alison with a hockey stick?"
Jason: "Uh, no. Like we're incredibly intense, suspicious, brilliant and we have identical chins."
Spencer: "I see what you're saying. Oh, that's nice!"
It is. They are sweet. It's lonely to be like that, and now they are less lonely, and even if they don't make a lot of sense to you -- I mean, they make a ton of sense to me, but I am also fairly intense, plus I have that chin too, in a secret hiding place under my beard -- it's still nice to see them sort of puppy-dog knocking into the idea that they have a connection. It's lovely.
Spencer: "Well, now that we're done with that little moment of feelings, I would like your help in finishing what Vivian started, because it could be the solution to this murder mystery. I just need a little trust. Specifically two thousand dollars of trust, in cash."
A-TAG SLASH EMILY IS A SUCKA
Emily: "Momentary clarity is over! Maya, please come back to me! I love you! I love you! Well of loneliness! Desperate aching need! Constant craving!"
A: "Man, this girl is damaged goods. And I say this as a psychotic obsessed stalker whose OCD and sense for needless flair would put the Riddler to shame."
WEEK
Stupid Aria falls off a roof. But since it's this show, she probably falls onto a truck piled with goose-down mattresses intended for the Queen of Spain, and Ezra is probably there, already flexing. Maybe bearing some gluten-free vegan delicacies, like Rocks 'N Straw Stroganoff or Mock-Chocolate Soufflé That Is Actually Just Alternating Layers Of Soil & Shame In A Parfait Glass.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.