In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Goodness! What a jam-packed, emotional, frightening hour. Officer Popular (last seen boning Ashley Marin to get Hanna out of her shoplifting charges) suddenly back on the force and showing "conclusive" evidence that the PLL's killed Alison with this shovel, which is apparently the only murder weapon that ever could have killed Alison, if you ignore the fifty other murder weapons that are also the only weapons that could have killed Alison. It's pretty flimsy, especially considering the case has already been closed, but really this is just a framing device for the events of the day themselves, and some pretty shocking twists at the end. Mostly, it's about how the girls look insanely hot covered in dirt.
After a seriously weird conversation with Toby about their future children, Spencer discovers a scary crate in her living room that contains -- no, Emily, not a hacked-up Dr. Sullivan -- creepy talking dolls, one for each Liar, with tasks that they must complete over the course of the day to keep Dr. Sullivan from dying. Then each Liar takes an act and we see how their day went, and it's tremendous.
First up is Aria, who is presented with materials to blackmail Jackie Molina into leaving Hollis College. Feeling horrific about it, she tells Jackie to leave town, and of course Jackie shows up later threatening to take everybody down with her -- she'd rather see Ezra destroyed for sleeping with students than leave him with Aria. In the present hour, Aria is compellingly sad and self-hating when she calls Ezra from the police station, but then he accidentally confesses to Ella (that he's been sleeping with Spencer, which isn't even true). Speaking of Ella, she's wonderful as usual, and Mikey's doing better in therapy.
we get Spencer MF Hastings, whose task is simple: "Keep Toby safe." His brakelines having been cut this morning, Spencer interprets this to mean breaking up with him, which provides even more terribly sad emotions for everybody. (Wren randomly appears to squeak back in there, but Spencer never makes the same mistake twice. She makes them hundreds of times.) Present-day Spencer stares terrifyingly into the one-way glass looking quite capable of murder, and the iffiness of Jason DiLaurentis's relationship to her family gets deep enough that it's starting to seem like Mr. Hastings is Jason's real dad, which is crazed.
While all of this is going on Emily discovers her doll in a different place: The backseat of the car on the way to Mr. Marin's wedding, which has a GPS that A has hacked, and apparently it's her job to go find the good doctor. Instead, what she finds is a barn full of carbon monoxide, a near-death Sapphic dream of Alison in heaven (OR IS IT A DREAM), and eventually a shovel for the girls to dig up Dr. Sullivan's near-death self (OR DO THEY).
Hanna's day is the most publicly humiliating, as she's tasked with calling off the wedding. With Dr. Sullivan and now Emily MIA and tick-tocking away, she abruptly takes Dad's fiancée Isabel aside in the middle of the vows to tell her that her parents hooked back up before the wedding. It's pretty gross, but at least it gets Hanna out of there. The girls head out to find Emily, having each ruined their own lives, leaving Caleb all alone to trade catty insults with stepsister-to-be (OR IS SHE) Kate.
Emily's outside the barn, all woozy from having visited heaven, but eventually they find the location of Sullivan's burial-alive... Or at least those Tory Burches A bought online a few weeks ago to make the girls think that they're digging up something other than a mannequin. At this point, the police take them in for questioning and everybody tries to keep it together, while behind the mirrors we see Jenna and Garrett celebrating not only their (OR IS IT) successful (OR WAS IT) murder of Alison (OR IS SHE) but their successful (OR OR OR) framing of the Liars for it. Implying that -- whether (OR NOT) they are A -- they're at least behind this most theatrical of all her little games.
In the A-Tag, somebody once again compliments A on his/her eyes after s/he hands over whatever evidence was being used to blackmail Dr. Sullivan into going along with this whole kidnapping/burial plot in the first place. Poor old Therapy Anne. She sure did get PLL'd, didn't she? I wonder what her secret was, or if we will ever find it out. Maybe she is a boot smuggler. A boot-bootlegger. Maybe she is Jason DiLaurentis's father. Maybe she killed Alison after one too many bullying assemblies failed to have the desired effect. We may never know.
episode: Is the Halloween special, October 19th, which is a Wednesday. Then the real break starts, and we officially come back to Rosewood in what, like January? That's a little long for me. But the Halloween thing looks totally amazing -- Jenna with eyeballs, scary doll-people, Noel Kahn dressed as a doctor -- so I'll definitely see you then. Come back tomorrow for the full recap, and remember: You're only as sick as your secrets. Or however much carbon monoxide you've inhaled.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!THE STATION!
Welcome to your framing sequence! Everybody is wearing gorgeous dresses and they look like they got exploded, like the end of Heathers. The upside to that is, they look amazing and where sometimes you get bored in a framing sequence/flashback setup like this, you won't, because you get to look at them. Each of them a prettier little liar than the last. The downside is: Surprise! There is not one.
Garrett, to a Mysterious Cop's Jawline: "They won't talk! Probably you will get promoted."
Mysterious Cop: Is my beloved and awesome Officer Josh that was boffing Ashley before the days of wine and lasagna! Awesome, show!
Wilden: "Hi girls, did you miss me? I have come to put you all in jail. You will find out why at the end of this episode."
12 HOURS AGO: ANNE'S HOUSE OF THERAPY
Liars: "Well, she didn't answer her phone, and her voicemail is some mess about a family emergency, so let's go to her house. She is the person in America who still gets her newspapers and they are piling up. In the olden days that meant a person was missing."
Spencer: "We absolutely cannot tell a grownup about this. Probably Jason killed her. Or Ian. Or Jenna and Garrett. Or my dad or my boyfriend. My conspiracies are having conspiracy kittens and they need good homes you guys."
Aria: "The last time somebody said 'I know who A is and I will tell you right after my murder,' in that same infuriating way, they got hit by a car."
Hanna: "Oh my God, somebody we know? Is she okay?"
Liars, looking at each other: "Yeah, Hanna. She's basically fine."
MARIN/FIELDS
Emily: Abruptly stops caring about their dead therapist and runs over to hang out with Maya in Hanna's bedroom.
Hanna, verbatim: "So was it, like, nonstop Just Say No and sunset sing-alongs?"
Maya: "Sometimes the people you meet in gay internment camps are pretty cool."
Hanna: "Really?"
Maya: "Yeah, think about it for like one second."
Hanna: "Did they attach a car battery to your testicles and make you look at pictures of shirtless Ryan Reynolds? Because I heard they do some really bad shit to you. I heard that's why Marcus Bachmann is like this, and that inside him is a scared little boy who still can't figure out what's wrong with being in love with..."
Emily: "-- Hanna, this can wait. I have to stare insanely at my ex-girlfriend until we become one person."
Hanna: "Okay. But I have one important thing to ask before I leave the room, and that is about shoes."
Emily: "Hanna."
Hanna: "Okay, I'm leaving. I just have one more question. And it is about clothes."
Emily: "Hanna!"
Maya: "I like your friends, especially Hanna because she is so awesome all the time. I like how you're going to that hell wedding today for her."
Emily: "We're close. Getting constantly murdered and stalked and harassing blind girls will really bond you. Like a family."
Maya: "Right, that. So you know we're not suddenly going to start dating, right?"
Emily: "I was not aware."
Maya: "Yeah, I kind of feel like I would be going back to being your first lesbian relationship, and not your fifteenth in the last week, and I kind of want to meet as equals."
Emily: "So you just want to be friends?"
Maya: "No, I want to date you, but just not immediately. Like, you need to jump through some ill-defined hoops first."
Emily: "Sounds like my kind of challenge."
Emily: "... So are we dating yet?"
HASTINGS
Spencer: "What is the deal with that truck I bought you? You better treat it right. It's like our baby. Like if I bought you a baby."
Toby: "My brakeline was cut! Isn't that so weird? I'm so glad nothing terrible is constantly happening to you and your friends that might explain it, or you might have to dump me for my own good."
Spencer: "Yeah..."
Toby: "What do you think our babies would look like?"
Spencer: "Uh, Amy Juergens? What on Earth."
If Toby had a baby with his sister it would look like a Fremen.
Jason appears across the way and takes down the creepster newspapers that covered Alison's old bedroom's windows while he was pulling up the floor and going insane and having secret meetings with Spencer's dad.
Toby: "Hey, did you ever ask your dad why he was having secret meetings with Jason? Did he possibly scream at you and throw more things in the fireplace?"
Spencer: "No, it just abruptly ended."
Toby: "Spencer, you're like a dog with a bone. I can't believe you let it go."
Spencer: "Kinda had to."
Toby: "No, you have options in this life."
Spencer: "I don't even know what we're talking about."
HANNA
Calls Dr. Sullivan, her dead or dying therapist that made her the strongest person on the entire show, but then her BF shows up so she just wanders off, leaving her phone in a soufflé. The first thing they did to Caleb in California was take him to a barber for the full Kate Moennig.
Caleb: "I'm so happy to see you and tell you about my life-changing visit to see my birth mother. But first, is your life self-destructing by any chance?"
Hanna: "You so get me."
Hanna: "Okay in brief I horked shrimp all over the wedding dress, Tom's pissed, Ashley's pissed -- but kind of loving it -- my grandmother is fabulous in every way, my new sister Kate is a supreme bitch who might be trying literally to poison me, this bridesmaid's dress doesn't fit and I somehow have backfat in it even, plus I'm being stalked from beyond the grave by a legion of murderous perv..."
Caleb: "-- Shh, shh. Come to wolfie. You need a hug and some patronizing chuckles."
Hanna: "You have no way of knowing it, but that is actually what I need."
HOLLIS SCHOOL OF BITCHCRAFT & BITCHERY
Aria brings coffee to her manboyfriend EZ, but Jackie his ex-fiancée has already brought him coffee, so Aria hangs around outside the office looking suspicious.
Jackie: "Hey, EZ! I brought us coffee so you can celebrate my getting published in Rosewood's eminent literary journal Dire Art Things."
Ezra: "I hope you didn't plagiarize it! I mean congratulations!"
Jackie: "Please, there's no such thing as plagiarism except in Rosewood where there is constant plagiarism."
Ezra: "It's because we don't even have the internet."
Jackie: "Right? Just 'website pages.' Anyway, let's start dating again."
Ezra: "I am seeing somebody!"
Jackie: "Is she about five feet tall and still going through puberty? Wearing an entire steampunk convention dangling from her ears like she's about to calculate the earth's position and tilt in relation to the sun using only her jewelry?"
Aria: "I feel like she is talking about me."
A: The doctor is in. In danger, I mean! Here is a picture of her looking haggard as shit, holding today's paper.
THE CRATE: 10 HOURS AGO
Spencer produces a crate of a size that could contain an entire psychologist, if one were inclined to fold her, which appeared in her living room. On the top it is stenciled, OPEN OR SHE DIES. They open it, so she doesn't die. Inside there are three spooooky dollllls that can talk, and that look like everybody, except Emily. Who awesomely seems miffed.
Aria Doll, All Feathers & Eyeballs: "Make Jackie go away!"
Hanna, verbatim: "Is there a creepier word than creepy?"
The Aria Doll produces evidence of Jackie's plagiarism, which in this case is her article about this painter that she just apparently clipped out of a magazine which is in French. I can't believe half the people on this show work at this shitty college. Spencer starts to give them all a lecture about this painter, but Hanna shuts her ass down.
Hanna Doll, Formerly Fat With Wavy Hair: "Stop the wedding!"
Hanna: "I was probably going to do that anyway just by being my accident-prone self."
Spencer Doll, Crazy Eyes and Fists For Fighting: "Keep Toby safe!"
Spencer: "I guess that explains the brakeline situation."
Liars: "Somebody tried to murder your boyfriend this morning and you forgot to mention it?"
Spencer: "You guys, this shit happens so often I'm sure we forget half of it before these Pretty Little Meetings of ours."
Emily: "Why don't I get a doll? This always happens. I am the Mavis."
Liars: "Eyes on the prize, Fields. Maybe she's just bored of you. What are you, going to look even more anxious at all times?"
Emily: "Yeah and meanwhile this is like the first time A even noticed Aria was alive."
Things get a little embarrassing at this point, I'm sorry to say, as the subtext becomes text and we also get a "this is a brilliant plot twist," which is the worst thing that ever happens on TV, when they tell you that.
Spencer: "It's brilliant, actually. A is being our ultimate frenemy, forcing us to get what we want, but knowing that when we do..."
Aria: "All hell breaks loose. Like, it's one thing to kidnap our therapist, but we're talking about Ezria here. If I expose his ex-girlfriend's plagiarism,that could somehow be relevant to my life."
Spencer: "Yeah, and I have to break up with Toby."
Liars: "...Wait, what?"
Spencer: "I have personally seen A run over my best friend with a car, and push a man off a bell tower, and then fake his suicide. Three hardcore activities."
Hanna: "What are you saying!? Who got run over!?"
Liars: "Hanna, she's saying that A kills people sometimes. Or like this one time."
Hanna: "Got it. All up to speed, sorry."
STATION
Aria: Finally cracks. Possibly looking more gorgeous than ever before. Asks for her phone call, which she didn't use before because her family is in disarray and that's when Aria keeps secrets.
Cops, Incl. Garrett: "That's so weird about page five of Alison DiLaurentis's autopsy, how it went missing. Did you know what was on that page? Analysis of all the trace physical evidence found on her body. That seems hefty to me. In terms of bringing about a conviction. Good thing we work for Rosewood PD, where somebody's random memory of something unrelated is just as good as physical evidence."
Aria, losing it gloriously on the phone: "I made a terrible mistake! And I need you!"
That is some good crying, like, she's so ashamed of whatever she's about to do in her flashback that she can barely squeak it out, and then she covers her face... What an amazing little scenelet. Good on ya, Hale. That might be the best part of the episode. Spencer turns in an admirable meltdown in a few, but for some reason this whole bit with Aria really got to me. You buy that she's in hell. I guess that's because we're both really pretentious and prefer to think of ourselves as wonderful people all the time.
HOLLIS: SIX HOURS AGO
Jackie: "Hey, little girl child. Are you looking for Fitz?"
Aria: "No, I have to present you with this evidence of your forgery or else the therapist gets it. You have no idea how shitty I feel about this, despite it being exactly what I want."
Jackie: "Okay. Does EZ know about this?"
Aria: "Ugh, does he have to? Just leave town. I am totally sorry about this! I feel gross!"
Jackie: "Not as gross as you're gonna feel, little lady."
Needless to say, Ezra immediately calls Aria and she just ignores the call because she feels gross.
PRE WEDDING-RUINING JITTERS: 5 HOURS AGO
Emily: "So how are you going to wreck this wedding?"
Hanna: "I'm more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. You may have noticed."
Emily: "What worked for me is, you do something even worse and then step back from it. Like, coming out as a lesbian was going to be pretty weird for my parents, so I showed them Maya who is the worst, so then me being a lesbian was like, the better option. Lesser evil, as it were."
Hanna: "I get it. Like how Paige was just some crazy bitch, until you meet her dad, and he's twice as crazy and ten times more of a bitch. Or like how Jenna's pottery would be super annoying, except for the flute thing..."
Emily: "...And her short stories about blind girls, exactly. Now you are getting it."
Dad: "Can I talk to my daughter? Unless you're planning on puking some more, you drunk asshole."
Emily: "I'll meet you guys at the church."
Hanna: "Do you need a ride?"
Emily: "No, I'm taking some random car with haunted GPS and a meshuga talking doll in the back."
Dad: "Look, sorry you were under so much pressure last night that you reverted to classic Hanna behavior. Perhaps you could reassure me in some way."
The Seat Of Hanna's Pants: "DON'T GET MARRIED! MOMMY LOVES YOU!"
Dad: "Well, okay. Strike that idea. How about you don't embarrass me."
Hanna: "We will see!"
Dad: "Also, you know that your mom broke up with me, right? Here's the thing. Your mother is vastly more intelligent than any other adult on this show, even Ella I'm sorry to say, and she was right when she said I was just trying to get back with you guys because I was wussing out."
Hanna: "It is okay to wuss out. My therapist taught me that when I talked to a ghost."
Dad: "No, let's let your mom drive on this one. The fact is that I am way into self-sabotage."
Hanna: "I am familiar with that concept."
CONFESSIONS OF A TRUCKBABY
Then comes a thing I don't even want to talk about. It is horrible. Spencer breaks up with Toby and all his objections are valid, as far as he knows, but she can't tell him the truth -- that the brakeline was step one in a two-step plan to murder him -- so she abruptly jets out into the streets like a wild animal, and then collapses against a tree, sobbing, and it's just so awful. You gotta watch it through your fingers is how bad.
Wren: "Oh, hits a jolly 'oliday wif Mary, hits a jolly 'oliday wif... Wot's this, a blubbrin' teenager? I say, you there! Get into my lorry, there's a chap!"
THE BASICALLY FUNCTIONING MONTGOMERYS
Ella: "You look beautiful! And you'll be happy to know that your brother is taking to the talking cure like a first-year teacher to his nubile young students."
Aria: "That's a relief. Sorry you got abused."
Ella: "I'm just sorry that I didn't take his illness seriously enough and then tried to cover it up and then asked you to lie about it. I feel about this big right now."
Aria: "You are not a bad mother, you are a great mother. Shit happens. Sometimes the right thing is the super fucked up thing and you just have to hate yourself for awhile. I get it. We're good."
Ella: Just this wordless sorrow. Ugh, I love her so much.
Ding-dong.
Aria: "You just take a bath and drink Ashley Marin amounts of wine, I'll get the door. Surely nothing terrible can happen so close to all the other horrible things that are happening all around us this morning, to everybody."
Jackie: "Hey, bitch!"
Aria: "I will sic my mom on you so fast. Did you see what she did to Paige's dad? She doesn't fight unless provoked, but she will cut you."
Jackie, verbatim: "Scary, isn't it? Playing with fire?"
Aria: "You talk like Alison. Or Kate."
Jackie: "I just discovered the logical flaw in your plan to get Ezra to yourself..."
Aria: "-- Which I already have, loser. You lose."
Jackie: "Not when I tell everybody that he was holding hands with you at To Kill A Mockingbird Academy, you won't."
Aria, who by the way stands her ground fantastically this whole time: "But then the townspeople will chase him into the cranberry bog. How do you win in that scenario?"
Jackie: "It is worth it just to watch you squirm. Plus, I'll pick up the pieces and we'll go somewhere they don't know or care about his flagrant abuse of power and pedophilia. I hear the Cathol..."
Aria: "This isn't over! But I have to go to a wedding -- and, incidentally, try to find the chopped-up pieces of my therapist -- right now, so fuck off."
Jackie: "Okay. I will just be generally menacing until you can clear your schedule. But then I will be all over you. Cute dress!"
Aria: "I know, right?"
GLOBAL POSITIONING SATAN
GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "No, GPS Lady, I have to go to the church. It is going to be a fucking trainwreck."
GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "Technology always gets you! If it's not the GPS, it's the nannycams or the hacked phones or mysterious graveyard movie screenings or haunted fashion shows or..."
GPS Lady: "Don't go to the church, go to this other place."
Emily: "In almost every episode of this show, there's eventually somebody lurking in my backseat. I really hope that's not what's... GAH! Why did I stop drinking?"
Emily Doll, All Pain Cream & Anxiety: "I'm taking you to her! Go alone!"
EXT STATION
Cops: "On the record, yes, it was an anonymous tip that led authorities to the suspects, but that's all I can give you right now."
Throngs of Rosewood Paparazzi:: "But what were they even doing? Was there some kind of corpse or something? Why are they all covered in dirt and looking fantastic in there?"
Cops: "Don't you know how a framing device works? Watch the fucking episode."
Spencer: Stares through the one-way glass at Wilden with the most terrifying fucking death glare you have ever seen in your life. I am now convinced that she not only killed Alison, but probably everybody. She is probably to blame for all deaths, even on other shows. She killed Rosie Larsen and was just like, "Deal with it." But they couldn't.
HANKIES & HASTINGS
Wren: "I can't stop thinking about when I molested you, that was so awesome. To be honest I was barely listening while you were talking about your vague reasons for breaking up with that landscaper or carpenter or whatever. Boo Radley, you know the one."
Spencer: "I don't have time to reminisce about the time you molested me. Maybe some other time. I have mad respect for how hot you are. But right now I have to quash all of my emotions about the breakup so I can help ruin a wedding and then dig my therapist out of the ground or something."
Wren: "Classic Spencer. Always repressing something."
Spencer: "You have no idea how robotic I actually am inside. For example, thanks for the use of your dandy's handkerchief, now you need to advise me on the protocol of how I return it to you. Because it is soiled, you see, with my mucus."
Wren: "Okay, I'm going to try one more time to support your relationship before this dazzling smile of mine goes into overdrive. Are you sure you didn't break up with him prematurely? Nobody's perfect. You, almost. But not quite."
Spencer: "Trust me, not even Rosewood's own Boo Radley, who got raped by a blind girl and framed for a murder and then kids would throw rocks at his head, not even that guy is prepared for the trauma I am capable of inflicting on him."
Wren: "Then here comes the charm. Fancy a joke about me driving heavy machinery?"
Spencer: "Right, because you're so effete and beautiful and lithe. Good one!"
Wren: "So can I kiss you or what?"
Spencer: "Sure, I guess. Whatever."
He does. Nice. Lucky old bird.
Spencer: "Your timing stinks. Not just because I am in the middle of three horrible situations and just broke up with my boyfriend that I'm in love with, but also because I am a child."
Wren: "Bollocks! And farewell."
Aww, I missed Wren so much. I wish Wren would just come back. He is the greatest. Of the molesters.
WEDDING
Where Is Emily: Nobody knows.
Where Is Everybody Else: At the wedding, worried about Em and Anne.
Where Is Kate: Incoming!
Kate: "Why so glum, Hanna? Feeling a little hung*?"
Hanna: "Not as hung as my werewo..."
Caleb: "Hanna, go talk on your phone. I need to fuck with your stepsister's mind."
*(Nope. Not actually a term people use. Honest to Blog.)
Kate: "I guess you'll be the thing I take away from Hanna, after her dad and her self-respect."
Caleb: "Yeah, it's really sexy how horrible you are. Just kidding! Nice backfat."
(Caleb, he listens. How perfect for Hanna that he listens.)
Kate: "Listen, as long as the grandma doesn't show up and kick me in the box this day is still going better than I thought it would."
Hanna's Phone: She is running out of air. That's not a metaphor, but it is possibly a reference to one of your many unexpected acquaintances that I have kidnapped.
GUESS WHAT: A SCARY BARN!
In Rosewood they have a whole audio tour about scary barns that you can go see and hear what kind of child-murders happened in each of them. If you do the whole thing, don't try to do it on foot, because there are fifty-seven scary barns in Rosewood. You can pick it up at the Visitor's Center, which is located in the middle of town, door to everything else and every other place these people ever go. One cool historical thing of note, in fact, is that although Rosewood only has two streets, it has eleven dark alleys. Do not go in them.
GPS Lady: "You have arrived at your spooky destination."
Emily: "I better get out and make a bunch of noise instead of checking things out. I bet Dr. Sullivan will be inside that barn drinking some tea and ordering shoes online and she'll be like, That A is such a gracious hostess!"
RIGHT UP THE RECTORY
During the weird vows, all the Liars silently ask eachother where Emily is. Luckily their telepathy is working clearly but sadly there is no new information.
Weird Vows: "...But let each one of you love one another, but not make a bond of love. Let it be as a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone, even as the..."
Hanna: "Hey, Isabel?"
Congregation: "Oh, here we go. I am so glad we came to this wedding."
Isabel: "Honey, I'm getting married right now."
Dad: "Hanna, whatever the seat of your pants is thinking right now, I want you to cram it."
Hanna: "I'm afraid this can't wait. Sidebar."
Isabel: "Let's go into the rectory."
Hanna: Giggles. Just kidding, she is about to barf from The Horribles.
Aria & Spencer: "Let's get the fuck on up out of here before the fireworks start."
Caleb: "I cannot believe I am the only person left at this wedding."
Hanna: "Isabel, my parents hooked up a few weeks ago. Do you know what 'hooked up' means?"
Isabel: "No, this hip teen lingo does a number on my head. Is it anything like feeling 'hung'?"
Hanna: "No, it means they did it. Sexual intercourse. Like he put his..."
Isabel: "-- Got it."
Tom: Staring, not not exactly blameless.
Hanna: "Sorry?"
Tom: More wordless sorrow. Not as touching, except it reminded me of how sad Ella was before, and that made me sad.
A: Well done, here's the address. This is not a trick or a trap, okay.
SCARY BARN: 3 HOURS AGO
Emily: "Helloooo? Anybody in this barn? Nope! Just this car with the engine turned on, pumping carbon monoxide into this enclosed space. Maybe there's a creepy doll in the backseat or... I feel a little woozy, that's probably why I'm making ass-headed decisions right now. Helloooo? Anybody under the car? On the ceiling? Slamming the barn door behind me?"
Slam! Obviously!
Emily: "Oh, goddammit. I just murdered myself for no reason. I sure hope Hanna's making use of her newfound intelligence now that I have sucked all the stupid out of everybody else."
Emily dies. Somebody drags her dead corpse out of the barn. Her poor dress!
STATION
Toby: "I don't believe you killed more people!"
Adults: "Get out of here, you. No need for Boo Radleys at this witch hunt."
Toby: "But what are they even charged with?"
Adults: "That will never be made clear. Now get out!"
Toby: "Spencer, I love you! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"
Spencer: "Jesus, take it down a notch. We already come off enough like Mickey and Mallory as it is. Get in that truckbaby I bought you and vamoose until I stare a hole in this one-way mirror."
HEAVEN: 3 HOURS AGO, OR LIKE, IT IS BEYOND TIME & SPACE
Alison, verbatim because it might matter: "It's okay. You're with me now. It's so good to see you, Emily. I think I miss you the most. Just rest. It's what you need. Rest. I never told you this, but you were always my favorite. Nobody loved me as much as you did."
She's got Emily's head in her lap, and it's pretty sweet. Not only because she's always so soft with Emily, but because no matter what her agenda was, or what level of frenemy or bereavement or sandbox romance she's talking about, all of those things were -- and still are -- totally true. Good old Emily. Even the creepy score gets a little sweet and sad when those two are together. Lovely little scene.
Alison: "That bitch thinks this is what you really want. To be completely free of A."
(That made my arm hairs go all Spencer. I'm not sure, but I think she's saying that Anne believes the girls are being herded into suicide. And accidentally helping with that, of course. But Anne's not a bitch and Alison only refers to A that way usually, so... No, I think Alison would hate Anne anyway.)
Emily: "Do you know who A is? You have to tell me."
Alison, almost selling this line: "I don't think that's a good idea. Because two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead."
(Rimshot, but also: One of them is already dead, right? So is Alison saying she's alive? Is this in fact real life? When Hanna was in the hospital, Ali was cryptic about the same shit and appeared and disappeared the same way. I would be overjoyed if Alison were alive. I would be overjoyed to a similar degree if Alison ever talked normal.)
Alison: "You have to decide what you want, Emily. You can stay here, or you can come with me."
Alison, kissing her, finally: "Sweet Emily."
REGULAR ROSEWOOD
Back from the grave, Emily moans at the gathered Liars about how "she" is still alive and they think she's talking about Anne but she's talking about Ali, but she's still woozy so she's not sure, and when she says that she saw Alison they all get worried that she has brain damage. But it's Emily, she's fine. She's a swimmer. If any of them needed to get gassed, I'm glad it was her.
STATION
Emily joins the girls in the interrogation room, in the present day, and they shush her about the whole conspiracy thing because Garrett could be listening, but the Liars do allow her to update them on her medical status, which is: Fine.
Outside, all the parents are there and going apeshit, which is nice to see, and then Jason shows up and there is yet another mysteriously juicy conversation.
Peter Hastings: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Jason DiLaurentis: "I think my sister would want me here."
Hastings: "This isn't just about me, all right? It's about you. I did things to protect you that you don't even know about..."
Jason: "My mother told me about the will, okay? And you didn't need to do that. I didn't kill Ali!"
Peter: "I never thought you did!"
Right, so that explains their little meeting that caused Spencer to go bonkers. (-Er.) But then get this:
Peter: "Jason, I have watched you grow up. I've seen what you've gone through, and I was honest with you last night because I thought it would help."
Jason: "No, you told me because I didn't give you a choice! Why do you think I bought that house, huh? I knew what I'd find. Ali was great at keeping secrets, but she was also great at punishing people with the truth."
So... Jason's Peter's kid, right? Do we just assume that now? I get so worried and ramped up trying not to think too hard about these kinds of things, because if you're right you accidentally ruined it for yourself and even if you're wrong you still get people up your ass about spoilers no matter how stringently you couch it as speculation, but then on the other hand this show makes not even a little bit of sense, on a delirious and fundamental level, so there's not really harm in speculating: If he's Spencer's half-brother, what of it? Won't matter.
It won't even be the big deal, it'll turn out that actually Ali's firecracker never went off, and it was actually Jason who accidentally blinded Jenna with his reckless use of a measuring tape, just let go at the wrong moment and zoom, or that actually it's Mike Montgomery that is Aria's father with Jackie Molina or something.
Yeah, Jason is Peter's illegitimate son with Drunk Alison's Mom, but did you know that he is also Alison and there is no Alison and he would sometimes put on a blonde wig and pretend to be a high school bitch just so he could get to know his sister Spencer? Apparently the constant stress of making out with his best friend Ian while in disguise as his imaginary sister got to be too much, so he murdered the Alison identity and tried to pin it on Toby, but Jenna was already pregnant with Toby's Fremen baby so Garrett had to step in to save them, and all of this was caught on tape by the NAT Club, who subsequently diced up the film and buried it in sixty-four canisters around town in locations that correspond to the freckles on Alison's back that only Emily can remember.
Jason: "Does 'she' know?"
Peter: "No. And 'she' is not gonna find out tonight. And that could literally mean anything! Pronouns are like crack for this show! You shouldn't be here!"
SCARY BARN: LIKE NOT THAT LONG AGO, AT THIS POINT
Emily: "Wow, almost dying all the time is hard on a lady."
Liars: "Look, a nondescript shovel leaning against a wall! So suspicious! And taped to it are some GPS coordinates! I bet they correspond to the location of those Tory Burch boots!"
They do! I knew that shit would come back around!
The Liars dig and dig and dig and then it's not even Anne Sullivan with a straw coming out of the dirt, it's just a super scary mannequin face and those boots sticking out like Nessarose.
Liars: "I knew A was going to screw us, but I never thought it would be this elabor..."
Like An Entire SWAT Team: "Little girls! Put down that shovel and put your faces on the ground! Stop digging! You are under arrest for something!"
Liars: "You realize this is like the cutest we've ever..."
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms: "Little girls! We will not hesitate to open fire on you unless you put your hands in the air and drop that shovel! You are arrested for digging! And adorable!"
STATION
Parents: "Thank God Spencer's mom exists this week. She's in there now walking them through this terrifying situation where they got caught digging in a hole and still haven't even been booked on official charges."
Ella: "I'll be right back. I have to chase somebody into the cranberry bog."
Worth noting that everybody looks great in this police station. The girls, even outside in the holding area the parents and various boyfriends look absolutely gorgeous.
Ezra: "My lady-love girl-child! Is she safe?"
Ella: "You need to get on up out of this piece, homeslice."
Ezra: "But I care only for the lily-white virtue of my maiden! I must know how she fares!"
Ella: "You know, I thought you were this awesome teacher. That's the part that really chaps my ass."
Ezra: "You know not what you do! For I am in love! True and real, hand-holding, paper-bagging dorkified love! Stop intimidating me!"
Ella: "Oh, you think I'm scary? Spencer Hastings has literally the scariest parents you've ever met. Those creeps make you want to move into the Cavanaugh house. Trust me when I say you are getting off easy."
Ezra: "I never got off at all! It was a chaste love, a pure... Wait, what? You think I'm dating Spencer?"
Ella: "Yeah. And I will cut off your balls unless you leave right this second."
Ezra: "Hmm. A chance to stand up for myself and finally declare my love, or a quick exit that will irrevocably fuck everything up for everybody."
Swish. Nothin' but net. Well done, Fitz.
SPECIAL VICTIMS
Liars: "I thought Detective Wilden was fired."
Hanna: "I thought he was still in my mom's bedroom somewhere."
Veronica: "He was suspended for his actions, but he's been magically reinstated as the chief officer in this investigation."
Spencer: "The fuck?"
Veronica: "He has significant evidence. Before you ask, I have no idea what it is. You're right, that would have been a good thing to find out."
Emily: "Please drag my parents back here from Texas."
Veronica: "Already done."
THROUGH THE NON-LOOKING GLASS
Garrett: "I love watching these young people squirm because of our amazing plan."
Jenna: "I can't actually see it, because I am blind."
Garrett: "Bet you wish they knew we were behind all of this, right?"
WHAT? They are not A. They are maybe part of A, and they maybe did this grandiose thing today, but that cannot be all there is to A. Which means they knew about A before now, right?
Jenna: "Are you ready to leave the force?"
Garrett: "I am so ready to stop being a cop, but I have to keep being a cop so I can get into the storage room."
Jenna: "That sentence makes sense to me. I can't walk out of here tonight. Wouldn't be smart."
Garrett: "That sentence makes sense to me. Jason knows he didn't kill Alison, but he doesn't know that we wrote that note he found that said I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, which we also did."
Jenna: "And we're getting away with it!"
Garrett: "I love that we know what we're talking about."
WILDEN OUT
Wilden: "When Alison DiLaurentis was murdered, she was hit so hard it made an indentation in her skull. I've given you guys so many chances to just be honest with me!"
Hanna: "That is a radical reinterpretation of events, to be sure."
Wilden: "Evidence doesn't lie! We've known all along what the murder weapon was. A shovel! And tonight we caught you with it. Digging!"
Um, okay. Sure. This was a really good episode, go for it.
Garrett: "Take this home and burn it."
Jenna: "Is it a piece of paper? It feels like a piece of paper. Is it page five?"
Garrett: "I stole it at some point. It's over, Jenna! There's nothing left to link us to that night!"
Jenna: "She deserved to die like that."
Garrett: "I don't see any way we're not horrible people after this conversation."
Jenna: "I don't see any way we didn't bump into Spencer, Toby, Ian and possibly Melissa (and Lucas?), since all of us were hanging out with Alison the night she died. But then, I don't see a lot of things."
DINER
Poor Dr. Sullivan, looking at least as ashamed and broken as Aria and Ella did earlier in the day, meets A at this diner and A slides her a folder shaped like incriminating photos of some kind. Oh, it wasn't even threat of murder or a payoff, it was just the usual gossipy A bullshit. That makes it even sadder, doesn't it? Poor old It Gets Better Sullivan. Poor Dr. Nosey [sic] Bitch. The Specialest Victim of All. Then A, once again complimented on his or her eyes by the waitress, has some coffee and thinks about ordering some pie.
Hmm. I don't know. It was immensely satisfying! But what happened? I don't know. I never know. You just never know what is going on in Rosewood. I kind of hope we never find out. See you in January!
(Just kidding! First there's a special Halloween episode, October 19 -- which, note, is a Wednesday and not the regular Tuesday (or the previously regular Monday, for that matter) -- that seems to be entirely a period piece about before all the shit went down. From the preview it looks like Alison was A's first victim, which if you think about it makes everything ten times awesomer! Plus, a whole episode of Alison? Yes, please.)
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.