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After an altercation with Mikey leaves Ella with some accidental bruises, Aria agrees with Byron's plan* to medicate his brain out. A single touching heart-to-heart later, Aria decides to come clean about Mikey's other crimes on the way to helping him not be crazy anymore; Mike is tired of being crazy and ready for treatment, so it kind of works out.
Also confessing: Emily, who is just sick of A's shit and ready to talk. She runs to Anne's office only to find the other Liars there waiting for her, worried to death, and they finally tell all about A and how things have been going down. In the middle of all that, Maya comes back to town all hopped up on Centrum Silver and makes Emily's post-Samara broken heart go pitter-pat once again.
Anne goes to the police after A starts menacing her, but they don't care because obviously Garrett is going to stop that investigation before it starts. She finally figures out who A is, but by the time the girls get to her office she's gone, presumably having been brutally murdered.
Hanna tries to make nice with stepsister Kate, but of course that goes down horribly: Kate engineers a massive bender that ends with Hanna barfing on the wedding dress and getting thrown out* of the rehearsal dinner. Which would be the worst thing ever, if it weren't for her awesome grandmother -- the always lovely, always genius Betty Buckley -- who throws down and says the whole wedding is a sham anyway. I wish Grandma Regina were here every week! If only she were the director's sister or something. (But seriously, even with that connection it's still an awesome get for the show. Love that girl.)
Spencer's story gets a little crazy this week, if you can believe that. She catches her dad coming out of Jason's house and they have a really yucky fight*, and then later on he confesses that he altered Hilton Head Grandma's will after Alison disappeared so that the just-disowned Jason wouldn't look like he murdered her for the money. (In a flashback, you can see Ali coming up with the plan to sell him out, which is one of the reasons she -- like everybody else on this show -- was in Hilton Head the week before she died.)
*(All of the dads are scary in this episode. Just menacing and screaming and scary. They're all protecting their families in one way or another -- Mikey from his genetic depression, Spencer from whatever is going on there, Hanna from ruining the wedding -- but it's still scary to see them yell.)
What's really interesting, though, is Spencer's realization that this means the DiLaurentises already have something on her dad, or else why would he break the law in the first place? So we end there: Therapist Anne's missing, Mikey's going to get treatment finally, Spencer's dangerously close to figuring something really bad out, Jenna is still creepy, Noel Kahn and Lucas and Mona show up for a second in this class assembly about cyberbullying, and Emily just got Maya back for a minute.
week: SUMMER FINALE!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
A finally convinced Emily she was the weakest link, through breakfast cereal and terrifying massages. Aria was lost in her usual Dolores Haze, and Mikey was losing it. Spencer went rampaging on this latest bad-Latin clue of the NAT Club, and Hanna got into some heavy shit with her stepsister-to-be.
EMILY CAN'T SLEEP
Emily, after getting her sixth scary text message of the day, can't quite sleep. She roams around Hanna's house -- Hanna sleeps in a bra, camisole, tunic sweater and jeans occasionally -- and checks out. When she calls Emily, she finds that Emily's left her phone behind. Couple hours later, the Liars are all together looking for her.
Aria: "I think she went to Texas. I would bust out of here too."
Emily: (Running randomly through the forest like a crazy person.)
The text that broke the swimmer's back: A picture of Aria kissin' Ezra, with a threat to tell Ella or else.
Hanna: "Is that you, Aria?"
Spencer, awesomely: "Of course it is. Unless you're Ella, then you'd just assume it was me sluttin' it up like usual."
Hanna: "I don't think Emily would tattle on something that amazing and forever like your boring love that nobody cares about."
Spencer: "Well, even if she would, which you can't trust anybody but especially not a weak link like our friend Emily, she can't now. She's running through the forest like a crazy person, while we have her phone."
Emily: (Still running. Maybe to Texas.)
THERAPY ANNE
Emily, who ran so far that she pulled herself together, ends up at Therapy Anne's office. Who is also there is: Everybody.
Hanna: "Girl, you had us worried. Why didn't you wake me up?"
Aria: "I'm still under the impression that you were running to Texas and just randomly ended up here."
Emily: "I will not be the bowling ball that takes the rest of you guys out."
Spencer: "Clearly we believe in you, that's why we're here talking to your therapist behind your back."
Anne: "What's with all the bowling-ball talk? Are you guys being stalked by a ninja ghost or something?"
Liars: "Um."
Spencer: "Yeah, somebody has been up our asses for a while now. We didn't tell you before because it means certain death for you, but whatever. Emily's cracking."
DILAURENTIS YARD WHERE IT ALL ALWAYS GOES DOWN
Toby finds his sister in Garrett's car, blindly eating cherries and lining the stones up on the dashboard like a crazy spooky blind girl does. Garrett comes out of Jason's house and makes out with her, and Toby gets all skeeved. Not to say jealous, but I guess on this show anything is possible.
THERAPY
Anne: "So wait, you thought it was the ghost of your friend? That's ridiculous."
Liars: "Well, we are nothing if not ridiculous."
Anne: "And I'm the first person you told? How come?"
Liars: "...We have to go."
SCHOOL
Emily: "The fashion show was kind of a good thing, because now even our parents know we're getting stalked."
Hanna: "Spencer, give me those used books about horses that I'm giving my dumb stepsister instead of a real gift."
Liars: (Give her shit about it.)
Aria: "I don't think a bunch of regifted horse books is going to stop her from murdering you."
Hanna: "I am accustomed to being stalked by numerous people. This is more like due diligence so my Dad won't be sad that I'm ruining his new life before it even starts."
Jenna, quietly: "That's not what we agreed..."
Liars: (Stare at her and think about how lucky it is that she's so blind she will totally have spooky phone conversations in the Quad right to their table.)
Emily: "Do you think that picture was from Jenna?"
Aria: "I'm so sure, even with Garrett helping I doubt she would come after us. It's not like torturing us will get her eyeballs back, and Alison's already dead anyway."
Spencer: "Yeah, dead from murder. Probably by everybody."
Betty Buckley, the awesomest person of all time, shows up suddenly and starts in on Hefty Hanna about eating salad. She's Hanna's grandma! She is earthy and obnoxious and wonderful! (She is the director's sister also, but still: Quite a get.)
Grandmother Regina: "I got here early for the wedding thing, come with me to the bathroom so I can [quote] wipe the dew from my lily."
Spencer: "...Aaaaand I will never eat again."
(Jenna keeps whisper-yelling into the phone.)
Emily: "Maybe instead of endangering Anne who never hurt anybody, we should have gone to the cops. Oh wait, Garrett is a cop. Never mind. I already saw what I did there."
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "As long as we're hanging out here in the middle of the daytime for no reason, let's have a stressful and unsatisfying fight about Mikey."
Ella: "Mike is not your brother, Byron. I'm not pilling him up without due process."
Byron: "Tell that to his suicidal uncle."
Ella: "It would be nice for him to have the option of the talking cure before we bury him under SSRI's, that's all I'm saying."
Byron: "You are not a doctor like I am!"
Ella: "Of Literature! End of disco."
Aria: "Hey, are you guys just hanging out here in the middle of the day talking about pumping Mike full of drugs?"
Byron: "No. Stop talking. None of your business."
Ella: "Her brother's mental health is totally her business."
Byron: "I have to stomp away now. Farewell."
MARIN
Hanna: (Cute conversation with Caleb, interrupted by Dad; Grandma Regina's on the case.)
Regina: "Hey, let's talk about what a bitch Isabel is. Do you have any info?"
Hanna: "Oh my God, Grandma. Dad's happy. I have to pretend that's all that matters."
Regina, verbatim: "Happy, what's happy. Cows are happy, they end up sloppy joes."
Ashley: "...Oh Lord, my former mother-in-law."
Regina: "You look prettier than Condoleeza Rice! I'm reorganizing your kitchen, of course."
Hanna: "In even scarier news, I'm supposed to give a toast with Kate. The girl who is going to kill me after A kills me."
Regina: "No, fuck it. Let's get drunk and not involve ourselves in any part of this bullshit wedding."
Ashley: "Oh my God, Regina."
Regina: "Nope, Hanna and I have agreed that we have to sabotage this wedding."
Hanna: "That's not exactly what I..."
Ashley: "Seriously! I am not in love with your son and he's not in love with me. Where were you during this storyline? It already happened. And put my kitchen shit back."
Regina: "Are you lying to yourself, too?"
Hanna, kind of loving it: "On a near-constant basis, Grandma."
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Mike, turn off that generically sad emo music and come downstairs. And stop talking to strangers online about your feelings, especially if they are ghost ninjas using you to get to me. And stop making our parents upset or else they're going to get divorced again. And stop starving yourself. And stop bugging everybody and being a crybaby."
Mike: "Fuck off, Aria."
Ella shows up and tries to get him off the computer and it ends up with some accidental violence that freaks everybody out completely. It's scary and just a little too real. If he'd actually hit her or something it wouldn't be as scary or as sad as this awkward flurry of activity that ends up in bruises for everybody. Also, Holly Marie Combs is the most amazing actor. Usually when people are that talented at such a young age it leaks away, for whatever reason, in public; it's always so nice to watch people make that transition as gracefully as she has.
Mike: (Bounces, horrified.)
Ella: "When you father gets home, this did not happen."
Aria: "Pretty sure that's the wrong call. Looks to me like your kid just got violent on you."
Ella: "I will take care of it."
Mama Bears are always intimidating but you haven't seen scary until you've seen this kind of shutdown. She's Mama Bearing herself.
IN THE TRUCK SPENCER BOUGHT HIM
Spencer: "Oh, did I not tell you that your sister is boning that stalker cop? My bad."
Toby: "I feel like I should wade into this mess and get myself all fucked up."
Spencer: "Um, no. That is not the right impulse."
(They kiss; they are fucked.)
THERAPY ANNE
Anne: "Remember how I told Ella I was going to come give a talk? That day is today. Since Rosewood High is clearly the epicenter for all craziness in the universe, your teachers and parents thought I should come talk you out of being so crazy all the time."
Liars, Students: "Good fucking luck with that, sister."
Anne: "I feel like it can be harder to act normal when you're feeling unsafe, which again is like all high school but especially this high school. Bullying is so terrible, you see. And when it is cyber, it's worse because they can keep pressing SEND over and over. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can hurt you more than sticks or stones. If you have no sense of your own agency, I mean."
Jenna: Creepy blind grin!
Noel Kahn: NOEL KAHN
Anne: "We used to think that bullying was good for you, but you guys are pussies. Cyberbullying is the act of a coward, but still matters somehow in real life."
Hanna: "I am so bored right now."
Emily: "Shh!"
Lucas: "I get bullied in the face."
Mona: "This is gay. And fat. And retarded."
IT ACTUALLY DOES GET BETTER
This one's a big one for me, for the obvious reasons we're going to spend about twenty pages on, but also because it seems like such a logical fallacy. I think cyberbullying was invented mostly by moms. I mean, it's obviously a thing, but it's not a thing in a vacuum. A kid whose life is hell would be going through hell regardless of the Internet. So you take the victim mentality of a bullied kid's mother and you add the Internet superstition of everybody over thirty and yes, it can seem like this huge monster that Boomers never had to deal with.
But to me, cyberbullying is a great model for all bullying, in that your response is completely your choice: It's as real as the boogeyman, which can be pretty fucking real. But asking people gently to stop cyberbullying is like asking them to recycle, or asking them to find obesity attractive suddenly, or asking teenagers to stop having sex so they don't embarrass Jesus. Not only are you asking for something that's never going to happen, but you're putting the responsibility on the most unlikely possible people. Have the conversation and start your own army, instead of looking for validation from the shitty people who don't want you anyway.
Anne: "So what, all this outreach and advocacy is for suckers?"
Jacob: "No. But the It Gets Better campaign is the closest possible answer. Not addressing the bullies who aren't listening, but the kids who are so tied up in their own powerlessness and need that they don't understand how much power they actually have. Explaining to them what options they have, in an untenable environment. Tools and strategies to beat the game."
Anne: "It seems like you're blaming the victim."
Jacob: "Understand things as they are, operate within that framework, and there won't be a victim to blame. The only worthwhile education you can give a kid at this point in life is how to deal with ugly realities, the way things actually work. Not whine at shitty kids with shitty parents who aren't listening anyway. Stop outsourcing accountability for your own strength, or your kid's, to gross people who don't care anyway."
Anne: "Okay, fine. What would you say to a person who was getting cyberbullied?"
Jacob: "Block the person. The Internet is not real, it's a giant bathroom wall. Learn it early, live it forever."
Anne: "What would you say to a person who was getting regular bullied?"
Jacob: "Beat the shit out of the person."
Anne: "Really?"
Jacob: "No, not really. Maybe sometimes. I would say that everything is a transaction, and we've all forgotten that somewhere along the way. That if you're going to be the kind of person who gets bullied, and you can't handle it, you need to stop being that person."
Anne: "Just completely give in to peer pressure."
Jacob: "No. Understand that peer pressure doesn't exist. Everybody has the right to feel less alone. Those people are out there and you have to find them. What works for therapy also works for real life, meaning that you have to tell the secrets before they can stop hurting you, or paralyzing you, and the biggest secret of all is your loneliness."
Anne: "Sounds like selling out, possibly."
Jacob: "Absolutely it is selling out. But you're making deals every day of your life. If you don't like the terms, change them. If that's selling out, you have to ask yourself who you're trying to impress."
Anne: "But kids should be allowed to be themselves."
Jacob: "Heck yeah they should. But they're not. And they won't ever be. And that won't change, no matter how old you get, and at some point you'll understand that 'yourself' doesn't change, regardless of the deals you make. The stuff you're getting harassed about is not essential to who you are. Bullies are educating you about the parts of yourself that don't fit into the herd, they're like the immune system for normality. But a virus doesn't roll over and die, it mutates. It evolves."
Anne: "Sounds like you had it pretty easy."
Jacob: "Yeah, being the fat gay kid at a small-town Southern high school that was literally named for a Confederate General, that was a real fucking blast."
Anne: "So you had it hard?"
Jacob: "Not really. I realized that high school is a fucking joke, that It Gets Better pretty quickly after that, and that my best defense was not asking for it. Not cosigning their bad trip. I think in some ways being gay made it easier to cut through the bullshit, because I'd found one true thing about myself that I could stand on, get my head above water, finally look around and see how silly and stupid everything else was."
Anne: "You opted out."
Jacob: "No, I made a deal. It cost me a lot. In other, better ways, I got a lot more in return. But yeah, once you're on the outside of a game, the rules of the game make a whole lot more sense. It doesn't get better. You get better. It was never in charge, and sitting back waiting for It to get better means It's going to suck as long as it possibly can, because It has no reason to change. It is doing fine no matter how miserable it's making you."
Anne: "So, what. The old Nobody Can Make You Feel Lousy Without Your Consent chestnut. You realize that when you say that, it just makes people feel worse, right?"
Jacob: "If you're already buying in, sure. It's not just a Roosevelt quote, although you could live your life by her wisdom and you'd turn out okay. But it's true. The world is much, much bigger than high school. High school is the very last time in your entire life that you honestly cannot choose the people or the situations around you. I had pretentiousness on my side. Still do."
Anne: "So what would you say to Emily, or Lucas, or Mikey?"
Jacob: "Lucas and Mikey are figuring it out. Actively working on this, which is why it looks so scary. They're burning calories to get there, and don't necessarily have all the tools or support to know that there's even an endpoint. Emily, I would say that it sucks to have a ghost ninja after you, but that caged-up awful feeling would probably be something you would feel anyway. Just like absolutely everybody else does."
Anne: "Even bullies?"
Jacob: "Especially bullies. It's amazing what you can learn once you stop looking at people as the enemy and start looking at them as people. These pressures are atmospheric, they are part of the basic gameboard, they are the burden of everybody. Bullies deal with the pressure by turning it on the weak; they're quislings. Cyberbullies do it in the most pathetic possible way. Alison did it like a knife."
Anne: "It's sort of sacred ground to talk about this stuff, you know, when kids are actually dying."
Jacob: "I get that, and yeah, that's horrific. But it doesn't change the facts, which is that puberty makes everybody crazy, and high school means putting all those crazy people in a room and making them fight. Why do you think The Hunger Games is so amazing?"
Anne: "That was political."
Jacob: "It's all political. It's inherently political. If our culture didn't have teenage girls and gay boys to carry all of our shit, we'd have to fight it out ourselves. It's all the same story. Contending with social pressure while under the attack of insanity hormones is a crucible for the real world."
Anne: "What about compassion?"
Jacob: "Compassion is all I'm talking about. Compassion for everybody. But it's something you give, not something you can take. Certainly not something you beg for. Meanwhile you gotta go Spencer Hastings on the shit that you can personally fix."
Anne: "So you're saying the parents of bullied kids are doing it wrong?"
Jacob: "God no. I'm saying that everybody is doing the best they can already. The only thing we can do as parents -- or as kids, as people -- is get the tools to be less crazy, and stop trying to get everybody else to parent better. Because that's never going to happen. Stop remembering your childhood as this golden age, like it wasn't as fucking tawdry and scary as teenage life is now, and get in there with both hands. Have the conversation. Your responsibility is your own kid -- your own life -- and making sure they -- or you -- feel safe enough to go outside, or on the Internet, with the armor and weapons to stay alive."
Anne: "You're talking like it's war."
Jacob: "It is a fucking war. That's what this entire show's about."
AFTERWARDS
Hanna: "That was kind of bullshitty how Therapy Anne just told everybody to stop cyberbullying us. I am an old hand at getting bullied, and that shit does not work."
Aria & Emily: "She wasn't betraying us. She was flushing out A."
Spencer: "I kind of thought the second Anne showed up that A would come to kill us, but we haven't gotten any texts. Maybe all of our problems are over. Just kidding."
Aria: (Stares at her poor mommy and Ella's poor sad smile.)
Everybody in the entire school: (Stares at Jenna as usual.)
Jenna: "Is that Aria's voice? How dumb was that assembly, right?"
Liars: "Anything you say means you are a bitch, Bitch."
Jenna: "I just think it was funny that Saint Sullivan didn't come give this talk when Alison was shitting all over everybody."
(I keep forgetting to point out that Therapy Anne's real name is Annie Sullivan. Oh, my darling show, don't ever change, but also: Helen Keller would not have put up with one ounce of A's bullshit.)
Emily, getting hardcore: "First of all it takes a bully to know one, Jenna. Or get blown up by one. And second of all, move your stupid blind-people cane out of the way. I need to go get cyberbullied."
REHEARSAL DINNER
Regina: "I don't listen when you talk about your stupid fiancée's friends, hon."
Dad: "Oh, she's getting up there. Sharp as a tack! Except when she forgets things. She's certainly not being super rude right now, no sir."
Hanna: "Do you like your horse books? I don't often do considerate stuff, so it's okay to tell me if I'm off-base here."
Kate: "These horse books are super nice. I'm going to be nice now. Maybe."
Regina: "I am not senile. I am being a dick. Own it."
Kate: "Let's go look at the wedding dress, Sis. It's like ridiculous."
Hanna: "Okay, as far as the speech, let's make you be the main talker."
Kate: "We're in this together! Oh, let's drink vodka right now!"
Hanna: "I am a teen alcoholic, so okay. That seems like a great idea."
Kate: "You are so easy."
MARIN
Emily: "Weird that we're not at the wedding stuff, huh? Your ex-husband is getting remarried, I'm denied my basic civil rights..."
Ashley: "Let's eat all the ice cream and I will drink all the wine."
THERAPY ANNE
A: (Plays a recording over and over on the phone of her going, "And I'm the first person you told about this? And I'm the first person you told about this? And I'm the first person you told about this?")
Awesomely, Anne hangs up so A presses SEND again immediately, just like Anne said in her speech. Anne! You are getting bullied! Cyberbullied!
ANALYZE THAT!
Garrett: "I am going to ask you a bunch of weird questions about this bug to throw you off."
Anne: "No, this shit actually happened. Take care of it."
Garrett: "In our made-up police department, you're going to have to give us the names of the girls that were tattling to you before you can file a report."
Other Cop: "Apparently he's right."
Anne: "Powerlessness!"
It's more unnerving somehow to watch her go through this, even though the Liars go through it every single episode. Probably because she's not also buying lipgloss online or having coffee with Mona Vanderwaal in the middle of everything while it's happening: She's just focusing on her stalking and impending murder. (Perhaps there is a lesson for us all, in there.) But also, we don't know if she has the magic powers that the Liars have. Maybe being slowly poisoned or run over by a car would actually harm her.
DRUNK HANNA AHOY
Kate: "Okay, how about we talk about how in love they are or something."
Hanna: "I'm so drunk. That's really romantic."
Kate: "Who are you looking at on your phone? Oh my God, a hot werewolf. Oh my God, my abusive uncle, quick, drink all your vodka immediately! Just kidding, false alarm."
Hanna: "I am already too drunk to notice that this is a trap."
HOUSE OF LADIES
Emily: "How come Regina is staying here and redoing your kitchen cabinets? She's not even your mom."
Ashley: "No, we're cool with each other. She likes me more than her son."
Emily: "Is that really a spatula in the same drawer as a glue gun?"
Ashley: "That old lady gave us a lawn mower for our wedding. She's always been this way."
Emily: "Care to talk about your feelings? That's my main thing."
Ashley: "Yeah, it's weird. Hey, are you broken up with Samara?"
Emily: "Yeah, basically. I fucked up because of a ghost ninja and there's some static and unknown quantities."
Ashley: "You know what, I get it. I probably would still be wondering about my ex-husband if he hadn't come back to town and fucked me and let me dump him again. You tend to make up the other person's side of the conversation when they're not around."
(Ashley Marin, you are a mass of contradictions. Wise, but not so wise you won't bone the police or confuse money with lasagna or steal from old dead ladies, but yet and still and always so very wise.)
Ashley: "Thank you for hanging out with me tonight, Emily. You're a good friend."
Emily: "I'm a child and you're a grown woman, but I know what you mean."
(She texts, presumably Samara.)
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "So, having a good night? Did Mike eat?"
Aria: "Who cares?"
Byron: "Life for Mike is hard."
Aria: "I resent him finally, so who cares."
Ella: "FYI, my wrist is healing beautifully."
Aria: "I have to go do some homework now before I tell on Mike some more."
GRILLE
It's not Samara! It's Maya! They are so happy to see each other! Christianity has really aged her! Just kidding.
STAKEOUT MAKEOUT
Toby: "Stop kissing me, I think somebody's in Jason's house."
Spencer: "How spooky! That you kiss with your eyes open, I mean."
Toby: "It's probably nothing. Our fault for rounding second base in the yard of our enemy."
Spencer: "Great, now I see it. Two shadows, actually. Garrett and Jason! And Jenna! Clearly are up in that house taping our makeout session!"
Toby: "That was a long jump of Olympic proportions."
Spencer: "Melissa and Ian and Toby too, probably!"
Toby: "I see that crazy Spencer face on your face. I better put on my shirt before you... And there she goes."
Spencer: (Stomps the fuck on up to the door because she is sick of running; who comes out when she gets to the porch is... Her Dad! What? She freaks out on her dad, of course. Because it is freaky!)
Dad: "We were just talking about fences and things. Improvements. In the middle of the night."
Spencer: "First of all, you set the zoning board on him so I know that's a lie. Why are you having secret meetings with everybody in Alison's family all the time?"
Dad: "I don't have to answer your questions."
Toby: "First of all, as though Spencer has ever let anything go in all of history. Second of all, stop throwing your weight around. Your attempts to preserve Spencer's sanity are endangering it, and I don't have to tell you what a thin line that is."
Dad: "I got you, boo. This is all your fault somehow! My responses don't make any sense!"
Spencer & Toby: (Try valiantly to shout him down, are brutally rebuffed. Spencer's Dad is, once again, like the scariest person on the planet.)
Dad: "Go to our house! It's door to this house like everybody else's house is!"
Spencer & Toby: (Get in the truck and take off; Dad beats on the side of the truck but they keep going. Everything is so frightfully domestic in this episode.)
THERAPY ANNE
Anne: "While I dig through the files in my darkened office, I am going to feel crazy paranoia."
A: "That's a good idea, for I am watching you from the street."
GRILLE
Maya lives close by or something. Her old folks' home is in a neighboring county.
Maya: "I bet your mom's got her eyes on us even from Texas."
(She adorably picks up a potted plant on their table and yells hello Pam into it.)
Emily: "My mom got radically cool before she left town. I have different problems now. I guess I should apologize for A fucking up our relationship before."
Maya: "Yeah, you were real twitchy back in our first relationship."
Emily: "Let's get gay married and be lovers and live together forever I am so scared"
Maya: "Emily. Re. Lax."
(They hold hands and it's actually pretty awesome.)
MONTGOMERY
Mikey has finally cracked; Aria finds him crying in his room and immediately jumps on him and holds onto him tight, and it's wonderful.
REHEARSAL DINNER
Hanna: "This bathroom is fucking amazing. Let's live here together!"
Kate: "Yep. Drunk."
Hanna: "I wish I could buy you all the horse books in the world. Horse pictures with naked boys riding the horses."
Hanna Marin. You are a genius.
Kate: "Hey, try on my mom's wedding dress. Just for fun!"
Hanna: "I hope I don't drunkenly ruin it, thereby killing two birds with one stone."
Kate: "Yeah, I'm going to go out for pizza or something. Do some Hanna shit while I'm gone, okay?"
Hanna: (Immediately spins around with the wedding dress, keels over, barfs all on everything.)
Kate: "...Check."
Oh, Hanna. You are still kind of a genius.
HASTINGS
Dad: "Okay, here's the deal. My involvement with the DiLaurentises goes like this. Alison's grandmother was a drunk and she died a few months after Ali vanished, but before that happened she cut Jason out of the will. They needed me to change the date on the former will so that Jason wouldn't be a suspect in Ali's death. We are talking about a shitload of money."
FLASHBACK
Regina cooked for all of them and laughed about how drunk Alison's drunk grandmother is, and then Regina tells a long gross story about how if you drink vinegar you'll go into labor, which is related to Hanna's father and uncle's birth stories.
Ali: "Was Patrick your favorite? Would you ever disown a kid of yours?"
Regina: "We don't own people."
Ali: "Seriously, what would it take for you to cut one of your kids off? What if one of your kids was going to sell a family heirloom to buy drugs? Hypothetically."
Regina: "Yeah, that would do it. Are you writing a story?"
Ali: "Kind of. Oh, and apropos of nothing, I'm certainly not pregnant. That's for sure not what was on the missing page of my autopsy report."
Spencer: "Okay, so I've solved the murder again!"
Dad: "Spencer, oh my God."
Spencer: "She went down to Georgia like the devil because she was in Hilton Head getting her grandmother to change the will. She came back in a great mood, rubbed it in Stoner Jason's face, and he murdered her. God, it feels so good every time I solve this murder."
Spencer: "So then okay why are you protecting Jason?"
Dad: "I'm protecting myself, duh."
Spencer: "Yeah, but why did you do it in the first place? Why break the law for them? What do they have on our family?"
Dad: "Bingo. And goodnight."
GETTING THINGS DONE
Anne goes through all their charts reading their patient narratives and trying to figure everything out. Which is funny, because she doesn't have like any of the facts, but she's narrowed A down to one single patient. Anne, you are on this mother. Go for it!
This person's totally psycho chart:
Q: "What are the problems you're seeking help for?"
A: "Overpowering feelings of revenge and anger management."
Q: "Ever had the desire to harm yourself?"
A: "No -- only others."
And: ...Outbursts of anger and aggression. Client seems confused about ... assumes it is their job to "police" and monitor all activity in the neighborhood... Often refers to unnamed adversaries as [sic] "nosey bitches"...
Meanwhile, Anne: "Gosh, that sounds familiar. I better turn off yet more lights until this scary room is as scary as possible for when I get murdered in like a minute."
BARF CITY
Dad: "Hey, did you puke everywhere?"
Hanna: "Bad shrimp."
Dad: "Bunch of vodka, you mean. And then you barfed all over the wedding dress."
Regina: "Let me talk to my granddaughter, please."
Hanna: "Kate was drinking too! All we had to eat was shrimp!"
Dad: "Meanwhile Kate is poised and alert and just gave a great toast while you were in here barfing on the wedding dress."
(Scary dads! Everywhere!)
Regina: "Back the fuck up, dude. I wish she'd barfed on Isabel."
Dad: "You guys are not invited anymore to this thing."
Hanna: (Feels horrible; gets a hug.)
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Okay, Mike's scaring me so let's get it all out there."
Ella: "You know what..."
Aria: "No. This episode is about confessing, and I've been hanging onto this forever, and I don't see how it's helping Mike to not talk about everything at once. Mike broke into lots of houses, and I covered it up because your marriage is so untenable. But I am sick of secrets. Also, keeping you guys' secrets nearly killed me that time Dad cheated on you, so you can't hold this against me. Also, this is like the cutest I have ever looked. Just puttin' that out there."
Parents: (Speechless.)
Mikey: (Even when terribly sad, still looks like a movie star.)
BATHROOM OF DYSFUNCTION
Hanna's post-barf hair is even more adorable than her regular hair. Having booted and rallied, Hanna immediately starts looking for an all-night cleaner.
Regina: "Honey, this dress will never come back to life. Try an undertaker."
Hanna: "I'll do both, using Bing by Microsoft."
Kate: "Hey, how was your big barf party? Brought you some ginger ale!"
Regina: (Fucking snatches Kate's purse and dumps it out. Does not give a shit. Is so amazing.)
Regina: "This bitch was drinking water the whole time. Unbelievable."
Kate: "Give me back my roofies, you old coot."
Regina: "Um, I will fuck you up. I will twenty-three skidoo your pretty little lying face."
Kate: (Backs down.)
Hanna: (Becomes a badass now that she's got a mean old lady backing her up.)
Kate: (Backs away slowly with like a maniacal laugh.)
GRILLE
Maya: "Let me get this straight. The person you dated after me literally tried to drown you? That's how your relationship got underway? Are you fucking kidding me?"
Emily: "It was a surprise to each and every one of us, too. And I haven't even told you about her Annie Wilkes haircut yet."
Maya: "The way you keep looking at me thinks you're obsessed with me some more."
Emily: "I have to answer this call from Therapy Anne."
Therapy Anne: "Get your ass to my office I know who A is."
Emily: "Why don't you tell me on the phone, okay? Like just the name? Since I've got you here, and all..."
Anne: "--No, that's okay. I'll just see you here in this totally scary dark office that is clearly compromised and the lights aren't even turned on and it's been bugged and broken into several times and I've literally been threatened with death having to do with this thing. I'll probably just make some tea and hang out until you get here. Or get murdered."
The Liars: Each receive a similar text -- meaning that it does not contain the relevant information -- and head to the office.
Therapy Anne: Is nowhere to be found!
The doctor is out. -- A
A-TAG
A cleans up her shit from the office, including the bug that she hid in the base of Anne's Freud's bobblehead. Right before she killed her and ate of her flesh probably.
week: Summer Finale! A sends the Liars a box of scary dolls that look like them. Hanna starts an art project of photographing naked dudes on horses, but all the dudes are creepers and Noel Kahn never even shows up, and all the dudes are actually members of Kate's country club, so they start a riot that's embarrassing for everybody and totally disrupts the wedding and Regina's not even there to regulate. Mike finally explains like one thing about what is going on with him, but surprisingly it's just that his brain chemistry is all fucked up and Byron was right the whole time, but Aria's lost interest in that storyline so she just grabs some grocery sacks and heads over to Ezra's for a good old-fashioned hand-holding.
Spencer and Toby go on a search for Therapy Anne that ends in Antarctica, where the black oil aliens are using bees to create supersoldiers or something and the first one was Jason's vanished sister Alison. Emily accidentally dresses up like it's prom and then dies in some kind of garage and the other girls all have to dig her up out of the ground, but then Spencer's dad gets paranoid and throws her in the fireplace to hide the evidence and the whole time Emily's like "I am totally not evidence!" but he doesn't care because the DiLaurentises have something massive on him, which is that Maya is actually Spencer's mother.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars, for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.