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Q: Is it possible for this show to be too scary?
A: No, but honest to John what a good try.
It's College Fair day at Rosewood High, so everybody's doing what you think they would be: Spencer's off digging through Ian's shit with Toby, Aria is juggling her various pedophile boyfriends, Hanna takes Mona on a Glampire Gleekend WASPapalooza, and Emily... Sits around practicing swimming using her imagination, all alone, until getting a message from A in her literal breakfast on the subject of how she's the weak link. Note that none of them go to the College Fair, because obviously none of them are going to live that long.
Emily, Still 100% Losing It: While she's getting the scary breakfast messages, Ashley Marin sweetly gives Emily a massage gift certificate, and Therapy Anne invites her to share her rapidly decomposing grip, but both of those things go terribly wrong. (No update on Anne's footwear at this time.) The massage is administered by A -- truly the creepiest thing ever, even on this All-Time Creepiness Champion of a show -- which in turn scares her away from the desperately needed therapy session. Five showers later the Liars circle up, but it's still hella grody on every level.
Hanna, Still Recapitulating The Parent Trap: A trip to the city for a bridesmaid fitting becomes a ride through nightmare once she and Mona run into her stepsister-to-be (an oddly shaded amount of face under orange eyebrows which seem to have their own terrifying agenda). For reasons the show doesn't even care to explain, they all end up going horseriding and Hanna and Mona end up horseless in the forest and resort to cannibalism, and then randomly Hanna's venting gets broadcast to the stepsister, who calls Hanna that night and explicitly threatens that she's going to break Hanna's will like a bronc-buster until she is just skin and desperation.
(Also very scary, but maybe the best thing about being Hanna is that she either forgets this conversation immediately, or just doesn't give a single shit because what's one more stalker at this point: come at me bitch i already got run over 3x today lol)
Aria, Speaking Of Eyebrows: For the first time in the entire show's history somebody asks somebody a direct question. Jason is approached about how come he has scary pictures of her sleeping ("Or drugged!" as Spencer helpfully suggests), and he hands her this mess about how they were undeveloped pictures taken by the ever-creepy Alison, which he found in a box that he gives Aria, along with framed pictures of herself sleeping (or drugged); the box does not contain any clues at this time, but wait. Oh, and there's a super cute scene where she and Spencer declare their love for each other while Emily goes quietly insane upstairs.
Montgomery, Otherwise: Beautiful Ella sets up Mikey with a therapist of his own, and spots Spencer having a little meeting with Ezra about Aria's Jason Sensation Fixation that leaves her feeling like maybe the rumors are true and that Ezra -- just like every other man in town -- is a creeping molester. Considering that Aria's boneheaded disclosure of the Jason kiss -- and an awesomely mean takedown from Jackie Molina -- has radicalized them (once again) to tell the world of their love, Ella's horrified/heartbroken response is particularly sad, because it means their stupid affair has to stay a secret.
Villains, Pedos & Unclassified: Jason, Ian and Garrett were all in a Peeping Tom club together called the N.A.T. Club, which is Latin for "We See All," which means perhaps they are part of a multiple A, which in turn means the Killer has gone back to being a completely separate person. Jenna visits Spencer to warn her to stop digging into the Jason Thing for her own -- and Toby's -- sake, but of course all Spencer wants to do is fight her and blind her like fourteen more times, so that goes poorly. Undaunted, Jenna sends Garrett to talk to Jason about cutting off the girls' information flow before whatever happens, happens. Still zero clue about any of this part of things -- or where the fuck Noel Kahn's gotten off to -- but these little hints are super fun.
, And Penultimate, Week: Spencer's Dad attacks Jason yet again, and the Liars tell Therapy Anne about A, marking her for certain death.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Emily was juicin', Spencer and Mikey were breaking into all kinds of places, and Jason was developing lots of creepster pictures of Aria. Too bad Aria was petulantly ignoring Ezra's calls, or else she might have somehow heard about this. Too bad the other Liars forgot they all live simultaneously door to each other, or else maybe they could0 have dropped by. Ah, well.
A SOMEHOW MAKES PUBLIC SCHOOL BREAKFAST EVEN MORE DEPRESSING
Emily: "Hey, we need to talk about Jason."
Aria: "I know, right? We totally made out."
Emily: "Hold up about the stalking, let's do some girl talk!"
Aria: "I really don't know what to tell Ezra. It seems like something he should know, but on the other hand I don't really give a care anymore."
Emily: "Oh, by the way, we found all of these home-developed pictures of you in his crawlspace darkroom barn."
Aria: "You seem to have buried the lede."
Spencer, dressed like the Phantom Zone: "You were asleep in them. Or maybe drugged."
Aria: "Why would you say something so incredibly creepy?"
Spencer: "Listen, you're just taking a vacation inside my weird mind. I have to actually live here."
Aria: "Okay, so pictures of me sleeping or drugged. Anything else you might have thought to mention?"
Spencer: "Just that if you don't stop flirting with the idea of Jason I'm going to have to sanction your ass."
Aria: "Okay. I can still hang out with him and goof around though, right?"
Spencer: "This kind of shit is why you're constantly getting molested."
Aria: "But Jason actually did help my crazy brother in some way, by not telling the cops about Mike's many break-ins."
Spencer: "Yeah, and I'm sure he really wants to help people at this school avoid the wacky weed, too."
Aria: "Okay, I'm taking what you guys are saying to heart. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go flirt with Jason DiLaurentis."
Emily: "I'm hanging by a thread here. Can I please have like one friend?"
Spencer: "First of all, I can't believe you didn't inform me of this. you'll be telling me they kissed. Anyway, I know you're feeling bereft and persecuted, I have to go dig through yet more shit of Ian's with Toby. Have you guys met?"
Emily: "I don't believe so, no."
Spencer: "Well, I'm just going to leave you here alone at school, okay?"
Emily: "Sure. What horrible thing could possibly befall me here, this early in the AM?"
A, instantly: "How about all your Alpha-Bits are the letter me, and there's also a note in there about how you're the weakest link and thus will be getting pushed until you snap. How you feeling now?"
Emily: "Dreadfully alone. That shit I pulled at the lesbian caucus is looking more and more like a mistake. I could really use a massage from a licensed caregiver."
MARIN MADHOUSE
Ashley: "Hey, Hanna. Where's your sturdier, sweeter foster sister?"
Hanna: "She goes to school at the crack of dawn to get away from me. Also, girlfriend grinds her teeth like a buzzsaw ever since she learned she was being slowly poisoned."
Ashley: "Compassion, Hanna."
Hanna: "After my coffee."
Ashley: "She's not swimming, is she? We were told no swimming."
Hanna: "I think she just loiters near the pool hoping somebody will throw her in. Or try to drown her. It's how she gets most of her dates."
Ashley: "She needs a massage. I got a gift certificate for one of those, I'm sure it's in one of these pasta boxes... There it is. Take this to her, she deserves it."
Hanna: "I don't remember getting one of these after I was run over."
Ashley: "I gave that one to the car that hit you, sweetie."
Hanna's Dad's Letter: "Please do not fuck up my wedding, sunshine of my life. Love, Hanna's Dad."
Ashley: "Hanna, please do this in good faith."
Hanna: "No problem. I don't believe in marriage anyway so I can fake it."
Ashley: "You got up at three to watch the Royal Wedding!"
Hanna: "Like everyone else who watched the Royal Wedding, I was still drunk from the night before."
JASON SHOWDOWN
Jason: "Hey, Aria! Given any thought to getting some of those sexy pre-teen pink stripes in your hair?"
Aria: "Hey, Jason, how about you explain those creepy pictures of me that Spencer and Emily found in your darkroom when they broke into it?"
Jason: "So that was them that broke in there?"
Aria: "...I'll ask the questions here!"
Jason: "They were old film of my sister's. I guess Alison liked to take pictures of you while you were sleeping. Or drugged. I found them in a box of stuff."
Aria: "That barely makes sense as an alibi, but I'll allow it."
Jenna, hiding behind what she thinks is a wall but is actually textured glass that makes her look 1000% times creepier than if it were the wall she thinks it is: "I will not allow it, and in fact I'm moving us up to Code Orange. Whatever the holy hell is going on with me, it has to do with Jason and the contents of various boxes and things he digs up out of his yard and old yearbooks and Garrett and Ian and bracelets and flashlights and film negatives and snowglobes and surveillance of various nefarious kinds."
OTHER BROCHURES, OTHER ROOMS
Therapy Anne: "Ella, hi! Dang, all us ladies on this show are so pretty. How is your crazy pretentious daughter?"
Ella: "Actually it's my suicidal son I'm worried about today. I love your snappy sexy new haircut, by the way."
Anne: "I'll give you some referrals. I prefer to specialize in large groups of young heathen girls that blind their foes."
Jackie: "Let's bring even more Hollis College brochures in from the car, Ezra! If I know teens, they love brochures even more than I do."
Aria: "BROCHURES? That DOES it. They are sleeping together, I just know it. Or else this is just a lame projection of my own guilt that will result in a bizarre blowout of disclosure about five minutes from now."
THE HURT LOCKER
Hanna: "Hey Emily, here's a gift certificate for a massage, since you're going to be recruited to the college of your choice."
Emily: "Cool, I'll just take off during College Fair since my admissions to Swim College are all but assured now that I can't swim and will soon get caught using HGH."
Hanna: "I'm going to get fitted for my bridesmaid's dress with Mona. You're not invited. Bye!"
Fickle Swim Team Girls: Walk right on by. Emily is no longer even visible to them.
Emily: Actually whimpers. Then she busts her locker open so awkwardly that shit flies everywhere.
Anne: "Emily, you look like dog vomit. On the inside, I mean. Are you having a bad day?"
Emily: "Lady, I am having the worst day. I have no friends and I don't fit in anywhere. Not with the lesbians, not with the jocks, and not with my usual PTSD friends. All I have to hang onto right now is this massage I'm going to get. I'm sure that will relax me in a healthy way."
Anne: "I'm not like a regular therapist, I'm a cool therapist. You could tell me anything, you could tell me that you were being stalked by a serial killer and several ghost ninjas, I would believe you."
Emily: "I have officially reached the point where I am willing to tell you about those things. Even if it makes me look crazy or get us both murdered, I must unburden myself."
Anne: "Great. Come by my office. And make it soon! I'm going to die immediately."
PERMANENT TWILIGHT
Toby: "It's always so dark in your house I can barely see all of Ian's pathetic belongings."
Spencer: "I'm just glad neither of us requires the College Fair, since you're a dropout contractor and I'm already a lawyer and a surgeon by correspondence. Besides, I'll either be dead or in the nuthatch way before that point."
Toby: "I would think College Fair would be like your Superbowl!"
Spencer: "Digging through Ian's shit is my Superbowl."
Toby: "Hey, Ian's yearbook. Let's sit down at peruse it at length just in case it contains a clue."
It: Contains a clue.
Spencer: "Why were Jason and Ian and Garrett all in a creepy made-up club together?"
Toby: "How do you know it's made up?"
Spencer: "I am in all the clubs. I was about to join Madrigals before I got ahold of myself. If there were an N.A.T. Club at Rosewood, I would be its president."
Toby: "What do you think N.A.T. stands for?"
Spencer: "I dunno, but I bet it has to do with molesting."
THERE WILL BE BROCHURES
Ezra's old students, with one notable exception, are: Ever so happy to see him. Since he's been gone for about a week, you can imagine the throng.
Ezra: "Hello, Miss Montgomery. May I [creepy schoolgirl innuendo] you in the [creepy schoolgirl innuendo] with my slippery [creepy schoolgirl innuendo]?"
Aria: "First tell me why you are in love with Jackie Morales!"
Ezra: "I am none of the above. Why are you schitzing out about this again?"
Aria: "I saw her! I SAW THE BROCHURES!"
Ezra: "I am getting tired of your shit. Maybe we should tell people we're dating, like we've decided to do in at least ten other episodes. Will that shut you up?"
Aria: "No, that's not the answer this time! Sometimes it just happens! Like when I kissed Jason DiLaurentis!"
Ezra: "...I have to go."
This part is awesomely verbatim, because Jackie doesn't even know they were fighting about her: She just sends "EZ" out for more brochures and corners Aria and lays down a little smack.
Jackie: "College will be a great experience for you. It really helps you grow up. You'll look back and realize ... just how naïve you were."
Gauntlet thrown, my good sir.
BRIDESMAIDS
Mona: "This is the worst hillbilly bridesmaid's dress I've ever seen, your father is marrying a [quote] jug-blowing hayseed, your stepsister is going to have Confederate graveyard teeth, I am glamorous and your life sucks, the usual."
Stepsister Kate: "Hey, guys! I look and act totally weird. I am from soap operas, which does not completely explain it."
Mona: "OMG are you wearing the new Rebecca Minkoff?"
Kate: "Actually, I caught and skinned her myself."
Mona: "Hanna, you know how I'm obsessed with you and want to live inside your sweater with you?"
Hanna: "Yeah."
Mona: "Introduce me to your stepsister, hint hint!"
Kate: "Do you guys want to come have lunch later? And by 'lunch' what I mean is dress up in equestrian outfits that magically appear and then go riding around on horses instead of eating."
Mona: "THAT SOUNDS AMAZING KATE."
Hanna: "Fuck are you doing? The actuality of dealing with these people just got way too real. And you're not even hungry! You just ate an entire bowl of jellybeans!"
Mona, verbatim: "They were complimentary."
SPA OF TERROR
Nice Lady: "Emily, I can tell you're nervous about getting massaged, so here are some aromas. They are for therapy. Just lie facedown with this sheet over you and don't look up when I come back in here and start touching your naked body."
NANCIES DREW & THE CASE OF THE CREEPSTER YEARBOOK
Toby & Spence chucked a bunch of Adderall down their necks and scanned each and every yearbook in the entire house for more instances of the NAT. There are none. What there is, is a shirt that says Nos Animadverto Totus, which Spencer immediately recognizes due to her vast knowledge of the alphabet. This happens, although do understand that half the beauty is in the delivery:
Toby: "You took Latin, right?"
Spencer: "Yeah, and I got a five on my AP, but I don't remember any of it."
Toby: "We should use Bing. From Microsoft."
Spencer: "It's not a search engine, it's a decision engine."
Toby: "Those words have a discernible meaning when you put them together in that order."
Spencer: "I have already used Bing in the time it took you to open your mouth. Finding out the translation of this Latin phrase is just one of the many uses of Bing."
Toby: "What does Bing say it means? On your phone where you used Bing's very intuitive mobile interface?"
Spencer: "The Bing results came up so blindingly fast I nearly didn't believe them, but it turns out that NAT stands for WE SEE ALL. Wow, that's amazingly creepy."
Toby: "I just lost all of my boners."
Spencer: "We should look them up on Bing. By Microsoft."
Toby: "So wait, you -- and Bing -- are saying..."
Spencer: "That Jason and Garrett were maybe in on Ian's Peeping Tom thing where he would videotape us young girls doing things like having slumber parties and taking pictures of each other while we were sleeping or drugged. Or the occasional raping by blind girls of their brothers. Remember how he used to tape those?"
Toby: "Yeah, I'm aware of what you're talking about, Spencer."
Spencer: "So but then maybe it's Jason that killed Alison for the same reason we thought Ian did, which is to get those tapes."
Toby: "It's funny but how you say it, it's almost like you're still accusing Ian somehow."
Spencer: "Most words out of my mouth do tend to sound like that."
THE TALON
Aria: "God, I needed this coffee. And to write this poem."
Jason: "BOO!"
Aria: "Ack!"
Jason: "Aw, g'wan. Can I sit down? To show that I am not creepy, I brought you all of these giant framed close-up pictures of you, sleeping. Or drugged."
WASP CENTRAL
Mona: "Even I am having trouble understanding how we went from having lunch in the city to wearing sudden jodhpurs and riding horses. Those are two different things."
Hanna: "Just roll with it, boo."
Kate: Is doing a number on them. She totally wants to make them feel weird and/or underprivileged, which is... The whole thing is hilarious because they are from Rosewood, a town that makes Creekside look like Compton. Has friends named Bitsy and Margeaux, which Hanna of course mispronounces.
Mona: Still rolling with it, decides to lie and say that she is a champion horse rider in the vain attempt to help Hanna and/or make new friends with weirdo Kate.
Mona & Hanna: Are left in the dust after making every single faux pas within a ten-mile radius their own.
SPA NIGHTMARES CONT'D.
Emily, to whoever is touching her naked body: "That feels great! Massages are the best. I feel so safe right now. You're really relaxing me. I can barely remember all the awful things that have been done to me and will surely be done to me again soon. Between this and my trip to the therapist where I'll finally tell her about the serial killer(s) and Mysterious A, I have a feeling today is going to be my best and most psychologically healthy day ever!"
CREEPER COFFEE
Aria, for real: "These pictures of me are really beautiful!"
Jason: "That's Alison for ya. Every time you think she's gonna zig, she ends up drugging you and taking pictures of your face."
Aria: "Look, I'm sorry my friends and family keep breaking into your shit, but we've been through a lot collectively."
Jason: "I found the film and box under the floorboards of my dead sister's bedroom, so I understand the impulse. We DiLaurentises like to hide things and dig them up later. It's a symptom of being raised in unspeakable circumstances."
Aria, verbatim: "What else was in the box?"
Jason, verbatim: "Nothing special. Girl stuff."
Kinda says it all, doesn't it?:
Spencer: "Look over there, it's Aria talking to Jason. I have had enough of that girl's goddamn disobedience. It's clear I'm going to have to get somebody to tell her about him that she'll listen to."
Toby: "Ella?"
Spencer: "Nope."
Toby: "Spencer?"
Spencer: "No honey, Spencer is me."
Toby: "I don't know anybody scarier than... OMG, are you going to pretend to be A?"
That's totally what I thought she was going to do, anyway. Just pull out the ol' Skinner box on some bitches and start using A to make people follow instructions better.
Hanna, stop hanging out with Mona Vanderwaal and bring up your GPA or I am going to run over you again. -- A
Aria, quit with the feathers or your baby brother gets it. -- A
WASP FOREST
Minutes later, Hanna and Mona have descended to cannibalism and begin gnawing on each other because their delicious horses ran away because they are both incompetent.
Hanna: "Did you even go to riding camp?"
Mona, verbatim: "Look, Hanna, the key to survival of any species is adaptability."
Hanna, verbatim: "When there's a nuclear war I guess it's going to be Mona and a million cockroaches."
Mona: "I will be their queen."
Hanna: "I can't help feeling like this was more about kissing Kate's ass than helping me."
Mona: "That's hurtful. Partially true, but hurtful. You know I would commit murder for you."
Mona wishes that Caleb would come back, because ever since he left Hanna's been acting like a total "crank." At first I thought we'd gone to a weird Secret Life place where that's a word people use, but then I realized that you can't have Mona call her a bitch -- even if it's the word she means and is clearly thinking -- because that's untakebackable, so: crank. The language of sisterhood.
SINISTER SPA
Nice Lady: "...Okay, ready for your massage?"
A tumbler on the side table has ice water in it, with A written in the ice water sweat. It is the scariest glass of water that has existed since a Tyrannosaurus Rex was cloned from its DNA that time.
Emily's Mind: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Emily's Phone: "You know how I predictably freak out every time you get close to telling Therapy Anne about me? Maybe you should think about that, because my hands were just totally around your neck. I am not fucking kidding. -- A"
Emily's Mouth: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
FITZ SHOWDOWN II
Spencer abruptly jumps into Ezra's car with him and slams the door. This scene is amazing because they are both good actors, because Spencer could create chemistry with a block of wood, and because Ezra has every reason to be terrified of her. Also the dialogue is outstanding, to wit:
Spencer: "Okay, there's something that I need to tell you. But before I tell you that, there's something else that I need to tell you."
Ezra: "...Okay?"
Spencer: "I know about you and Aria."
Ezra: "Excuse me?"
Spencer: "Ezra, you don't... Sorry. Mr. Fitz."
Ezra: "Better, thank you..."
Spencer: "Listen to me. Aria's in danger, okay, she's been hanging out with Jason DiLaurentis..."
Ella: "That looks suspicious to me, I wonder if all those rumors were true. Spencer is kind of like a scary old man, after all. I can see it. I wish instead of Spencer that Ezra Fitz was dating me, though. I am having all kinds of thoughts. I'd better talk to my daughter about this. She never acts totally sketchy every time his name comes up."
DILAURENTIS KILLING FLOOR
Jason, literally: "Hey, that box of worthless female mementoes is in my crawlspace. Just come around here to the back of my house and I will show it to you."
Aria: "Um..."
Jason: "There is candy. Also a kitten."
Aria: "I think I will just wait here in broad daylight where I am visible from the street."
Jason: "You're such a jokester!"
YET ANOTHER UNLUCKY BARN
Hanna: "I'm sorry I yelled at you in the forest that time we almost died a minute ago. I am being a real crank. It's just that Kate and Bitsy and Margeaux are insufferable and make me feel weird about myself."
Mona: "You're wonderful! Don't ever let anybody make you feel that way. Except boys. Boys are our enemies. Let's hug for a really long time."
Hanna: "Seriously, I am freaking out. Family is stressful. Especially if you were raised by wolves, as I was."
Mona: "Honestly? Maybe you're not trying hard enough. People don't actually care about our bullshit as much as we usually think, because they are too messed up on their own stuff. I'm sure these girls are no different. I think they're magnificent, in fact."
Hanna: "There is not a person on this planet that tries harder than me, except maybe Samara and her lesbian friends. No, this is about Kate. This is about Kate and her whore mother and her bitch friends."
Mona: "You are aware of course that you're randomly broadcasting this to the entire country club? Look, an absurdly camouflaged microphone with the button pushed."
Hanna: "Oh, balls."
Kate, Bitsy & Margeaux: (Collective bitchy ice-storm breakdown; heel-pivot and exeunt.)
Hanna: "Kate, wait! I'm sorry I said that about your whore mother! And you and your bitch friends! I was just... Balls."
SURPRISE JENNA THING!
Spencer: "GAH! Jenna, what are you doing in my living room being all spooky?"
Jenna: "Your imaginary mother let me in. I am here to menace you about how you're digging around in shit that needs to not be dug around in."
Spencer: "I am predisposed to be defensive toward you."
Jenna: "I dig that? Even though I've never been anything but completely upfront with all of you monsters that blinded me. But seriously, listen up because this is going to get you and Toby in a world of hurt and there's not going to be anything I can do to help you. Back off the box or NAT Club or Jason Thing or whatever."
Spencer: "You are a brother raper."
Jenna, hurt: "...I think it's time for me to go. You are really shooting yourself in the foot with this."
Spencer: "Oh yeah? Well, you are really blinding yourself in the bitch."
Jenna: "Ugh, Spencer. Later."
Spencer: "Tell Garrett I said hi! And that I saw him touching your boobs in your living room!"
E.Z. & JASON THING
Aria: "What are you doing here, Ezra? I can stand around awkwardly in the yard of my dead friend if I want."
Ezra: "This isn't about you kissing Jason, it's about Jason killing everybody all the time. Please come away with me."
Aria: "He had a legit reason for those photos of my sleeping or drugged face."
Ezra: "Then as a personal favor to your boyfriend, stop kissing this dude all the time. Is there any way that talking about taking our relationship public will help?"
Aria: "Nine out of ten times, yes."
Ezra: "Let's do it. Starting with your parents!"
Aria: "That might actually kill them! Let's do it!"
Jason: "Hey, kissing people on my lawn. Can I give you this box of dumb girl crap?"
Aria: "Yeah, thanks for the box and kissing me that time and also for all those framed pictures of me looking dead. You've been a really good fake boyfriend for about a minute."
Jason: "I get it. I understand."
Aria: "There is no way that that is possible, but whatever. Later, friend!"
GARRETT'S STEALTHY CIVILIANMOBILE WITH THE RED RACING STRIPES & THE BLIND GIRL UP FRONT WHO WAS JUST AT SPENCER'S HOUSE LIKE ONE SECOND AGO
Jenna: "She knows about us. They know about us and she's looking at yearbooks. It's only a matter of time before they figure it out, if they haven't already."
Garrett: "Figure what out? What are you even talking about all the time? I am so confused."
Jenna: "Just come back here later tonight and be super vague about a bunch of sinister shit. I'll deal with the rest."
MARIN MELTDOWN
Ashley: "God, I've been looking forward to this glass of wine since my glass of wine at lunch."
Hanna: "Hey, by any chance did Dad call and say anything about me driving his fiancée's daughter to suicide earlier?"
Ashley: "No but I bet he's about to... There's the phone now."
Dad: "Hey, is Hanna there? Kate's here and just really wants to talk about what a great time they had together."
Ashley: "That doesn't make me feel weird at all. Hanna, phone!"
Hanna: "Kate, oh my God. I am so sorry I was such a crank to you earlier. Please let me explain even just the bare minimum of what was going on there."
Kate: "No need, we're family now! What you don't know is that I wasn't always an only child."
Hanna: "But like I am really sorry and I really need to tell you about that."
Kate, verbatim: "You know, training a horse is an art. You have to work with the animal, bending its will, until it knows you're its master. Taking all the fight out of it, until it truly is broken."
Hanna: "That is some very interesting information about horses, but I fail to..."
Kate, verbatim: "That's how you're going to feel when I'm through with you. Welcome to the family, Sis!"
So you know how they've all always got to have a second thing, right? Like the pasta money, or Ezra, or the gay thing, and then this year it's been the big college lie for Emily, for example. And the half-season is almost over. So now you've got Jackie pressing Aria harder than we could have imagined, and A is still nine miles up Emily's ass, and who ever knows what's up with Spencer, a hundred things at all times, so Kate is the new problem for Hanna, which is awesome to me, but I don't know, I just thought it was funny -- not weird-funny, cute-funny -- that a lot of fans seemed to react with, "Like Hanna doesn't have enough problems, she's got Kate coming after her now? Perhaps this show is getting too crazy." As if the show hasn't always operated in precisely that way. Maybe just because we love Hanna so much, it seems like more than usual. But it's not like it was ever Sean and Lucas and Caleb and Mona and shoplifting and pasta money and whatever, it was one of those things and then another one of those things. Now it's Kate, for a while. For a little bit.
MONTGOMERY QT
Ella: "What's in the box?"
Aria: "Meaningless girl stuff."
Ella: "Maybe you should give it to Spencer. She's better at everything. Hey, could you tell Mike some fun stories about therapy? He's resisting the idea."
Aria: "I'm on it."
Ella: "Cool. Oh, and do you think Ezra and Spencer might be doing it?"
Aria: "HA! Um, no. No, they are not."
Ella: "Because if I ever found out that Ezra was putting it to a student, I would probably have to chase him into the cranberry bog."
CIRCLING WAGONS
Hanna & Spencer: "Emily, what are we going to do with you? Even a massage goes terribly wrong for you these days."
Emily: "My digestive system cannot handle much more of this."
Spencer: "Your abdomen. Is it tender?"
Emily: "You know, the worst part is that I could have totally looked up at that person and then we would know who A is. Or one of them."
Hanna: "Guy or girl?"
Emily: "Girl? I don't know."
Spencer: "Well, obviously that's the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, but if we could change the topic slightly to my insane focus on justice, let's go over the clues I found today. Namely, that the Peeping Tom videos may have been taken by three or more people."
Emily: "You're right. That dwarfs the horror that I can still feel all over my body even after five showers."
Spencer: "Right? So yeah, and then also one of those three people is a cop. Gun, badge, no higher authority."
Liars: "We're screwed. And, Garrett's dating Jenna. Fucking Jenna."
Spencer's Latest Madcap Theory: "Ever since we realized A made Ian's death look like a suicide, we've been thinking that A and the killer are the same person. What if A is a group of people, all playing together for the same team? Same Club, if you will?"
(Knock knock.)
Spencer: "And now I gotta go deal with Aria, who's probably going to punch me for blabbing to Ezra about all of her secrets just so she would obey me."
Therapy Anne: "Emily, I've left you like a billion messages. I hope you're not avoiding my calls just because a ghost ninja is threatening you!"
Emily: Ignore.
Spencer/Aria: "Look I'm really sorry I... Hey I'm just worried about Em... What was I supposed to do, you wouldn't do what I said and...
Aria: "I'm actually really not mad, it scared Ezra into fixing our relationship, even though my mom undid that. I'm grateful to you."
Spencer, verbatim and so sweetly: "Good because I just did it because I was nervous and you're really tiny and I love you!"
They hug and it is so, so sweet. They head upstairs to put the pieces of Emily back together again, and Aria drops this one:
Aria: "You going to Fitz, it actually turned out to be a good thing. Made him step up."
Spencer: "I'm so glad to hear that, as the one member of our group that has always supported that relationship."
Aria: "Don't be too happy, my mom thinks you're the one that's hooking up with him."
Spencer: "...Wait, what?"
Aria: "Hee hee hee!"
WE SEE ALL
Garrett arrives at Jason's house and offers him a beer, then either remembers or is being disingenuous about Jason's struggle with dangerous substances like beer and the reefer. Then they say these words, presented to you without comment because what on Earth do you even say about this mysterious storyline that is happening behind the scenes of the show we're watching.
Jason: "I was wondering how long it'd be before you showed."
Garrett: "In Rosewood, all roads seem to lead back to this house."
Jason: "So what's on your mind?"
Garrett: "I just want to make sure we're still cool, Jason."
Jason: "What does it matter anymore? It's over, right?"
Garrett: "I'm a cop now. Matters more than ever."
(Again, your guess is as good as mine. But it definitely feels like momentum, every week since Jason came back to town, which is good because I just want more and more Jenna, and I want Jenna to be involved in everything. I want also for the show to be about Noel Kahn.)
A-TAG: ANNE'S OFFICE
Anne: "Sorry, I was just calling this one patient of mine over and over because she was having a bad day and I'm the kind of therapist that cares. Is it colder in here, or is it just that you're a ghost ninja? Good thing I'm wearing these brown Tory Burches. [Presumably, although I don't think we ever saw her feet this week, and it's a crapshoot whether that's even a thing or ever was actually a thing.] And what will we do for therapy today? Any stalking or murder of young girls or unlicensed massages or whatever? You can tell me anything."
week: The wedding maybe? More scary Kate? Some more elliptical verbiage from the NAT folks, probably. Oh, I remember now: The Liars confess their secrets about A and Alison and the killings to Anne, and a little tick-tock sound starts up in your head counting down to her grisly demise. That's what's week.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion.