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Oh my goodness, what a well-made episode. It's got laughs, it's got really sad stuff, it's got genuine thrills and a chilling final act, it's even got a lesbian poker game! Aria spends Friday weirding out about her attraction to Jason, which results in her absurdly trying to jump Ezra's bones at every opportunity -- which, needless to say, unnerves him. Saturday she mostly tries to avoid the heartbreak of Mikey's continuing breakdown, as we learn that Byron's brother was also depressed (and eventually hurt himself), but winds up walking right into the trap of Jason's face.
Trap? You betcha. Spencer gets Emily to help her break into Jason's creepy shed, at which point the season radically flips: He's got a working darkroom in there, along with crazy surveillance materials and about a million pictures of Aria Montgomery doing things like sleeping and getting spied on. So creepy. Although he knows somebody broke in -- and leaves clues* to let the girls know he's onto them, when they return that night -- he doesn't tell Aria about this, just gives her a smooch and declares his feelings. It is the scariest and the most.
*(Specifically, and hilariously, their flashlight in the middle of the Shed, which -- if he's anything like his sister beyond that particular habit -- probably includes a treasure map or USB drive or something too.)
Also having feelings are Caleb and Hanna, who find out that the PI was tracking Caleb for his mother, who is now rich and in California. Hanna hustles to get Caleb some closure, but it ends up taking him away possibly for good so he can reconnect out there. After he's gone, she mans up and finally contacts her dad about his upcoming wedding, but she's already broken your heart: Their goodbye scene is one of the most tearful, masterful, well-played moments of the series to date. Kudos to both actors, who rocked it.
A brings the pain for Emily, who's forced to get completely sketchy in front of Samara's hip lesbian friends after Ashley sweetly gives her the house for the night so she can stretch her lesbian wings. It's really bad, that part. Tough to watch for sure.
Also acting sketch is Spencer's mom, who shows up for five minutes to pish-posh the whole hockey stick before adding to the chorus of people telling her that Jason is no good. Of course, by the end of the episode she knows that -- and that he's onto her -- but what nobody knows is that Jenna (who might be getting her sight back surgically) has been trying to keep Aria from reawakening Jason's memories of that night.
In an episode of heartbreaking things you would still expect Emily Abuse to top the list, but between the Caleb stuff, Mike's total shutdown -- and Ashley's beautiful open-door policy for her new lesbian foster daughter Emily, which is one of the loveliest things this show's ever done with that -- and the stylish and sophisticated camera work and performances throughout, it just breaks even. Consider the bar raised... And with only two to go!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Spencer's Dad destroyed a hockey stick that might be important, and part of Ali's autopsy report went missing. Spencer's dangling by a string, Emily is recovering from her bout with overachievement poisoning, Hanna's bid to become a control freak lost out to her ADD, and Aria was... Aria, what are you doing?
What Aria Is Doing: Ezra. Intensely. No mere handholding here, we've rocketed around the bases and -- in our best négligée -- seem intent on reaching home... But wait! What's this? Ezra reaches over to hit the snooze, and suddenly he's Jason! Aria's down... But wait! It was all a dream! Aria was having a wet dream. Specifically one that outlines for her what a million a-ha moments never could. Stay in bed and take care of the situation like a normal person, or play dress-up in all the feathers you can find? I think we know what our girl's going to do.
Speaking of dress-up, Spencer's now got Hanna and Emily playing candy striper with her, since dumb old Emily had to go and recover and they can't use her as a cover story anymore. The ladies wait outside the morgue for Spencer to finish whatever ghoulish errand, and this is what they're talking about:
Emily: "I like zombie movies [does she really?], I don't want to be in one."
(Doctors walking by.)
Hanna: "So I was telling the patient in 212 I am not shaving that..."
Emily: (Is horrified slash loves it.)
Spence finally comes out, pageless. It's almost like a ninja ghost knows their every move.
Emily: "Um, probably somebody stole that one page."
Spencer: "YOU MEAN LIKE JASON? WHO KILLED ALISON AND IS ALSO A?"
Hanna: "Or, you know, anybody else?"
Spencer: "Jason either had or didn't have my hockey stick. The end. Proof. Done. Boom."
Jenna comes rambling out of the elevator -- which we know for a fact this hall only leads to the laundry and pathology and the morgue and the kitchens, so what the fuck is her blind ass doing down here -- talking about how soon she will regain her eyesight. And we will lose the most guaranteed-awesome image on this whole show. I don't want to think about a day when pretty little Jenna is zooming around Rosewood without those meshuga sunglasses on all the time. I can't acknowledge that possibility.
Liars: (Are also bummed/freaked by this possibility, I guess because they hate Jenna irrationally and delight in her disability as much as we do.)
MARINWORLD
Emily: "Just in case, I am going to throw out all the many lotions and creams and things that I own. I'm coming for yours . We can't be sure that A didn't put HGH in all of them. Right now your mother could be growing a Fu Manchu. Consider me the TSA agent of your life."
Hanna: "I'm really sorry you got slowly poisoned, but I love my beauty products. Particularly this $100 bottle of moisturizer made from the pearls found in endangered placentas, which I'll just be taking..."
Emily: "Which you shoplifted?"
Hanna: "...Which I shoplifted."
Emily: "Steroids give you bacne and fat-assism also."
Hanna: "Get this stolen moisturizer out of here!"
Emily: "As long as I'm living here I might as well trick you out of being a sociopath."
Hanna: "Obligatory snottiness about my dad, check. Let's eat food."
Emily: "I cannot. I am too worried about what everyday items may come for my stomach ."
A: "PS I totally have your HGH test results. You are mine. You are totally the Hanna now. Get ready to eat some cupcakes. And by cupcakes I mean fistfuls of hell."
SCHOOL
Aria: "I hate to say it, but A is right. She owns your ass now."
Emily: "Hey, how come your brother broke into my house that time?"
Aria: "He said something about Helter Skelter but that's it. I let it slide."
Jason: "Ladies. Aria."
Emily: "Are you friends with Jason? Is this a fun thing were we talk about boys, or is this a scary thing about oh my God is Spencer standing behind me?"
Aria: "All I did was have a harmless dream about fucking him this morning."
Emily: "Cheater!"
Aria: "I cannot control my fevered brain. Look at what I am wearing."
Emily: "But Spencer says he killed his sister!"
Aria: "Spencer says everybody killed his sister. Spencer says literally everybody you can think of killed his sister. Consider Toby."
Emily: "I get the wounded bad-boy thing, but don't try to fix Jason. I am a living testament to what happens when we date crazy. And don't dream about him either."
Aria: "I think I am breaking up with Ezra and don't even realize it."
Emily: "I know that one, too. Listen, I'll keep your mental cheating a secret but only if you stay away from Jason. Spencer is going to shit."
Aria: "She's in surgery for the rest of the day anyway. I hear they're letting her do a heart transplant, which I guess means she scared them into letting her do a heart transplant."
LUNCH
Ashley, sitting in the pitch dark for some reason: "Hanna, call your stepmother. You're a bridesmaid for that doomed wedding."
Hanna: "Like I even need to tell you how many different ways that's weird."
Ashley: "At least call your father and explain to him why you're ruining his wedding. That way my hands stay clean."
Liars: "I can't believe Jenna's getting prosthetic corneas that will allow her the gift of sight. What a bitch."
Hanna: "They're taking out her EYEBALLS?"
Spencer: "No, just the flap over the whatever. I did one this morning."
Emily: "Fuckin' my stomach fought its way out of my abdomen and ran around the room shrieking the other day. Can we please stop talking about eyeball flaps until I can at least keep water down?"
Aria: "Will it work?"
Spencer: "Toby said maybe. I hope it kills her."
Hanna: "Hey. Does this mean we're off the hook for blinding her that time?"
Spencer: "Even my ethics are not that situational, lady. Give me a break."
Emily: "At least she won't come after us about all the videotapes of her raping her brother and whatever."
Spencer: "Have you met us? She's inches away anyway. No matter what, her eyesight will make things ten times worse."
Emily: "How so?"
Spencer, with amazing pedagogy: "Well, for one, she'll be able to aim a gun."
Hanna, verbatim: "Yeah. Jenna's scary enough with four senses."
(And that's the end of the scene. They all stare at each other and think about what horrors Jenna might do, with extra senses.)
After school Spencer goes to spy on Jason, like you do. He yells at yard guys for trying to get into his detached garage or shed or whatever before hiding the key on the doorframe where she can easily reach it. I love how everybody's house is so scary that they all have extra houses and barns nearby, to contain the extra scariness.
EVERYTHING GETS BETTER
Samara brings Emily chocolate chip cookies, and then meets Hanna's mom, but then immediately has to leave. There is a problem having to do with the location of their circle of sisterhood meetup, so Ashley offers the perfection that is her house for their coven's use.
Emily: "[Amazing, characteristic gratitude, etc.]"
Ashley: "Just don't let anybody touch the lasagna box, I keep my cancer cures and war bonds in there."
Emily: "But seriously."
Ashley: "Number one, this is your home. Get on board. And number two, you get to be whoever you want to be, and that includes having lesbian meetings and being gay. The rule for Hanna is, no boys upstairs. So for you, no girls upstairs. Unless you are just hanging out and not being gay. Wait, tell me how to spot the difference."
Emily: "The difference is, I am not a ho. So it's moot."
(It is heartwarming in the context of the scene, but also: PEOPLE, TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF ON TELEVISION, AS THOUGH WE ARE REAL PEOPLE. 2011 rules so fucking hard.)
Can I just say that this is one of the best-directed episodes of the entire series? There are so many amazing scenes in this one; so many emotional tones and setpieces and well-captured performances. Also, the last five minutes of this episode are every bit as scary as last week's tag.
ARIA TRIES
She stomps into Ezra's office looking hot as hell, locks the door, springs the biggest boner, and then jumps on him. She's wearing several rings that are the size of paperback books and probably feel like you're doing it with Wolverine, but points for trying. Ezra keeps trying to beg off -- probably because he's afraid to find out she has pubes like a grown person/isn't a Barbie doll down there -- but she is VORACIOUS and she will NOT BE AVOIDED because their relationship is SO VERY REAL.
Translation: Ezra, you are about to get dumped.
HANNA TRIES
Hanna: "Hey, motherfucker! I told you to leave Caleb the fuck alone! Back for more?"
Caleb: "Um, that guy is a PI and not a cop. He's trying to find me for my mom."
Hanna: "I cannot believe I didn't see that coming. I guess I should just tell you now that I threatened him repeatedly the other night."
POKERFACE? I JUST MET HER FACE!
Emily runs a high-stakes poker game for altbians, in which she apparently needs to teach everybody to play poker while giving them cupcakes. Emily stretches and delights in being the perfect host: Perhaps this, then, is who she will be. The sweet lesbian version of Alison, who will lead a pack of the hottest girls and bake them treats and have infinite friends.
A: "You have to hit on one of these girls and get her number before the end of the game, or else I will send your HGH results everywhere."
Oh, that's good. That's so good! Emily acting sketchy on girls, that's as bad as the time Hanna kept having to dance with Lucas. A was not kidding. Poor damn Emily.
HASTINGS
Veronica: "Nice to see you too, Spencer. I almost didn't recognize you after being gone the whole time you were being accused of extortion and murder and dealing with the aftermath of discovering your molester-in-law's corpse. Now what's this about your father burning a hockey stick? I don't really care, and I'm sure you're being neurotic, but it's so nice to hear your smoky voice after being gone for most of high school."
Spencer: "Why don't you care about the hockey stick getting burnt?"
Veronica: "He got nervous, I guess."
Spencer: "Nervous about what. That is a totally weird response. You know something."
Veronica: "No, I just think Ian was pretty clearly trying to frame you. Remember when you blamed Ian for everything? He's dead now, so I don't mind if we go back to that."
Spencer: "Fairly certain that Ian wasn't responsible for my frame-ups."
Veronica: "Insufferable girl! I have to go make suspicious phone calls where you can't hear me."
Spencer: "Okay, but why is everybody so pissed that Jason's back? Dad almost ripped their drunk mom a new one."
Veronica: "The tale of the Hastingses and the DiLaurentises is not one for tonight. Stop thinking. Turn off your brain. Danger zone. Gotta go."
MONTGOMERY
While this conversation is going on, Aria is rearranging a huge pile of vending-machine food in... Her kitchen? No, Ezra's office. Good Lord the girl is going to try a sexy picnic, isn't she?
Emily: "I can't keep these girls here forever, and somebody is watching us from outside. And that's not even the creepy part!"
Aria: "You're playing poker. Bluff."
Emily: "You're just lucky your relationship is so boring not even A cares about it."
"COLLEGE"
Ezra: "I am so confused. On the one hand you've been blowing me off and now you're offering me Twinkies and shit, which makes me think you are trying the least possible amount. On the other hand, I can see your vagina, which makes me think you're trying really hard. Which is it?"
Aria: "I am a hipster. It is both. Both at once."
Ezra: "Are you by any chance having sex dreams about Jason? Is that why you're all over my junk?"
Aria: (Nearly starts crying with frustration-slash-desperation. It's actually really effective and sad.)
Meanwhile, Emily swiftly creeps out every single lesbian at once on their way out by offering her number to A's assigned target in the most awkward, galumphing way imaginable. (Unless you're Emily, and then it's actually kind of suave.) So much judgmental slow shaking back-and-forth of so many conceptual individualistic haircuts that you can actually hear it: The disappointment. She taught them poker and she gave them cupcakes and then she went full creepster, all in one night. Don't be sad, Em. My social skills desert me around our people too.
MORNING
Aria and Ezra, finally having accomplished doing it, spend a slow morning... Nope! Once again Aria's mind has betrayed us. Eyes wider than when she is shushing, Aria wonders what on earth is to become of her.
Caleb and Hanna cyberstalk his mom, and her two young sons, and her buckets of modern-day money she has now. Hanna knows what it is to feel abandoned, to a great extent, so she's able to come with him on this one. In true Marin household tradition, Caleb decides to eat his feelings, then heads out for some lonesome crying and pizza retrieval.
Emily: "Man, those girls are going to tell on me so hard! I know it appeared that I was giving that girl my number!"
Aria: "You actually were."
Emily: "You know what I mean!"
Aria: "Gah, I know. Just call Samara."
Emily: "Can't. She already called twice and I couldn't deal."
Lesbians: Always have secret sensational names such as Samara, Quinn, Zoë and Mavis. That's the main way to spot 'em. (Somebody go tell Ashley Marin!)
Aria: "That's interesting. I am interesting too."
Emily: "...Right, and we're done with me. Did you have another bizarrely on-the-nose dream? Try this on, it's a theory I made up just now. When people show up in your dreams it's not because they want something from you, it's because you want something from them. Doesn't that sound plausible? As a psychological theory?"
Aria: "I love Ezra. From his grocery-sack headgear to his mumblecore lovemaking to his Peter Cottontail footie pajamas."
Emily: "Plus you know Jason won't put up with your shit."
Aria: "Plus that."
Emily: "Because he's got problems of insanity, and also because he's not a pedophile that's obsessed with you and willing to put up with anything to feed his fetish..."
Aria: "-- Got it, Emily."
DOWNSTAIRS
Byron: "Who was that on the phone?"
Ella: "Mike's guidance counselor. Apparently he's been burning out the eyes of every picture of every person in Rosewood and then pinning them to trees, and he's killing small animals now too. The word 'ritualistic' was used."
Byron: "That kid, I tell you. Somebody should really straighten him out."
Ella: "Is this the weekend? If so, why did that person just call me? And if not, why are we all fucking around in our pajamas in the middle of the day?"
Byron: "I am going to barrel upstairs and yell at him without finding out what's wrong."
Ella: "Maybe you should chill. Apparently it's my fault."
Byron: "Well, that's faulty logic for real."
Ella: "And yet, any attempt we make is going to alienate him. Children have all the power, and parents are just waiting for the day they figure it out, because it is the apocalypse. That day has come."
Byron: "No, I'm pretty sure my impotent deadbeat rage is going to get him back in school and doing great. Where is he?"
Ella: "Literally anywhere. He could be anywhere."
(He stomps off; she remembers a little of why she left him to begin with.)
Mike, ah goodness, Mikey is under the covers staring at a perpetual motion desk-toy thingie and listening to the snow get closer. Byron, get out of there!
Byron: "Mike, it is time for fathers to father children!"
Mike: "I am not interested at this time."
Byron: "But I am parenting, goddammit! We are doing this on my schedule!"
Mike: "Can you not see how deeply crazy I'm going right now? Cut me a break?"
(Mikey stares deadeyed into the void; it's heartbreaking.)
Byron: "Oh, you mean you are going crazy. That is immensely hurtful to see. I am going to lay off in a big way, okay?"
(Swish, swish goes the snow. It is really dang sad and scary. This has been building for so many weeks and suddenly it seems just huge. This is really well done, this. Going back for weeks.)
MARIN/FIELDS
Samara: "Oh man, you are in such trouble. Is this because I brought that awful girl to that fashion show? Stop hitting on my friends!"
Emily: "Oh, am I not still your girlfriend? Try this step sideways from the truth on for size, when I say that I just wanted to hang out with her as friends. Zoë's the only one I liked out of all of them, I seem to be saying."
Samara: "It wasn't even her that told me! You did it after I left, that's sketch. The end."
Emily: "I was trying to be a better girlfriend by secretly connecting with your friends in sneaky ways! Why don't you believe my obvious lie?"
(Love how Emily makes even plausible lies sound absolutely preposterous because she's so new to this.)
Aria: "Jason, what are you doing here? Is this the weekend? What are we all doing right now on this whole show?"
Jason: "I wanted to give you this number for a Youth Center so that they can do the parenting your parents aren't doing."
Aria: "I can't help but think my parents are going to bitch out about this, but okay. You're right that it's moved beyond being worried."
Jason: (Shoulder touch. Wooden. Awkward.)
Aria: "I have a test tomorrow! I have to go! I am not dreaming of doing it with you!"
Jason: "Today is Saturday (aha!), and that teacher teaches a different subject than you just said."
Aria: "I mean Monday! And the class is I'm not having sex dreams with you! I mean Geology!"
Hanna: "Weren't you going to bring home pizza twelve hours ago?"
Caleb: "Smelled a rabbit, went off running. Now I'm sitting on this swing."
Hanna: "I get that you are mad that you spent all that time in foster care while she was raising babies, but you're going to feel weird and unfinished and hanging out in parks until you find out what happened. Don't think of it as a reunion, think of it as recon. Dig?"
Caleb: (The sweetest, saddest smile. Like Toby amounts of sad.)
Spencer: "Emily, stop staring at that picture of Samara and focus on my latest harebrained thing! Besides, either you'll fix it or somebody will die. It'll be fine."
Veronica: (Runs around acting twitchy and weird and lying about even normal stuff.)
Spencer: "Mom, chill please. You're throwing my Spidey Sense all out of wack."
Veronica: "Okay, I have to go and like see Melissa or something. I have to go. Be somewhere. Don't worry about it. I love you! Here is some money! I have to go!"
Spencer, heading off at full tilt: "Emily. Now."
Emily, laughably: "Maybe you should switch to decaf..."
Spencer: "Too late for that, by about ten years. MOVE OUT."
MONTGOMERY DINNER
Byron considers, as he sets the table, that possibly even Ella is not aware of just how bad the Mike situation is. It is really bad. They both get scareder and scareder. Then it gets even worse, because Byron's brother who killed himself used to act exactly like this.
Little too close, PLL. Claps for going there, but wow.
But also, claps for this: For putting it right in plain sight -- "I needed a gun to get out of here" -- and knowing that we, used to the heightened ridiculousness of this show, would jump to some Spencerian conclusion instead of just getting deathly afraid. The misdirection -- the brattiness and boob-punching with Aria, his stunningly vicious attacks on Ella, the violence at school, even the classic father/son discipline thing -- seemed to be leading somewhere else, somewhere alien and monstrous and inhuman, when the truth is a lot simpler and a whole lot harder to deal with:
He needs to be loved. Desperately. Immediately. Forever.
THE SHED
Spencer: "Clearly, my mother going to Philadelphia means we have to break into Jason's shed immediately."
Emily: "I am up for anything right now. Sure thing."
In the shed there is a roll of film, old-schooly, and darkroom baths, and then hanging up in there it looks like... Pictures of Alison's mouth? Is that Alison's? NO! It's ARIA! A thousand pictures of ARIA! Sleeping! Also surveillance equipment of all kinds! HOLY CRAP!
Jason comes home and they re-lock the shed, leaving a flashlight (a visual familiar to those who follow the producers and writers on Twitter) and hiding in the bushes. Inside, Jason notices a few things awry -- like the still-lit flashlight on the floor for example -- and then the camera goes chunk-chunk-chunk closer and closer to HIS CRAZY FACE.
You got me, show. You got me so many ways. Mike's despair, Caleb's absolutely believable and well-acted mom story, the freaky Jason switcheroo, the continued stylized lighting, even the sassy way Aria kept doing it with those dudes. What a great, sophisticated, beautiful fucking epi... Oh, there's more. More!
BONUS!
Caleb shows up at Hanna's after all, looking a little lighter and happy to inform her that he's taken her advice.
Hanna, looking Flashdance-fly: "What did you talk about? Was it okay?"
Caleb, weeping with relief: "We didn't get into the abandonment stuff but she said my voice sounds like my father's. And she wants me to come to Cali. Um, tonight."
Hanna: "Well, unlike the last several times this came up, I'm actually okay with this."
They blow it out the box. I don't know if we'll ever see Caleb again, but if not he made this shit count. They both did. Well done. She tells him she loves him, they kiss and cry, she falls to pieces when he's gone, and it's just... Fucking excellent. This episode is a quantum leap. You know how much I love this show -- for the WTF usually, and the style, and also often the emotions -- but damn if it isn't just firing on every single cylinder this week.
DANGER!
Jason: "Aria, why are you walking alone through the streets?"
Aria: "I need to find a vending machine because that's what I eat now. Also, my house just got unbearably upsetting."
Jason: "I was just driving around looking to kill little girls. Somebody broke into my creepy-ass shed today. With a key, I mean. They didn't literally break in."
Jenna, creeping: "If those two hook up and she makes him remember that night..."
Garrett: "He won't!"
Jenna: "You're so fucking useless. I can't wait until I replace you with real eyes."
(Still no clue.)
Emily & Spencer: "We better find Aria before Jason kills her."
Aria: "You'd better kill me before my friends warn me."
Jason: "I'd better tell you that I am into you before your friends tell you I'm stalking you."
Aria: "Yep, I'm ignoring their calls as we speak. You better kiss me."
Jason: (Does.)
Aria: "Wait, I have a boyfriend."
(Jason stares at her leaving and probably is taking scary mental pictures of it.)
Hanna pulls her shit together and calls her dad about the bridesmaid fitting, because when push comes to shove you know she's going to do the classy thing. At least nowadays.
Spencer drags Emily back to the Shed, because when push comes to shove you know she's going to do the nuttiest thing. On the other hand, Aria might well be tied up in there. But no, it's just the darkroom lightbulb and their flashlight standing there in plain sight so they know that he knows that they know and EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS AND IT'S SO SCARY!
A-Tag: A gloved hand develops a picture... Of when Spence and Emily were in the Shed the first time! Double creepiness on top of the creepiness! Creepception!
week, with only two left for now, I have no idea what happens because they are elliptical and vague to the point of being Mad Men credits, which is probably a necessity at this point. But I imagine the wedding stuff continues, possibly Melissa comes back, the girls tell Aria so she'll act as twitchy and weird around Jason as possible, and then he will kill everybody.
But what does it mean? That was so scary! Why is he doing that? Why is he surveilling? Why is there more than one guy in this town that is documenting their movements? What did Jason forget that Jenna doesn't want him to remember? What if Jenna blindly killed Alison in an accident and then couldn't tell anybody because "I just wanted to beat her with a hockey stick for blinding me, not kill her with a hockey stick for blinding me" wouldn't fly in Rosewood? Does she think that Jason, being another Rosewood Peeping Tom (of whom by my count there are at least three at this point), may have also seen her molesting Toby? And what is Garrett's deal? Have they been dating for the whole show? If so, why was Jenna always trying to bone her poor brother? What is everybody doing and why?
Hooray! Hooray for a great episode of an awesome show! I need a nap! Goodnight!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, and Desperate Housewives for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion.