By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.For a show that is almost entirely a cautionary tale about sex, they sure don't have much sex on this show. I didn't really think about that until tonight, which was an intimacy-palooza. Emily goes on an adorably dorky date with Paige McCullers, which leads to them dating for about five seconds until Paige tries to baby-step her back into the closet because of her insane father and generally gay-related shame. Emily is, of course, not having this, so it's sad; on the other hand, Paige has finally been transformed into the cutest little bug-eyed weirdo this show has ever seen.
Hanna's secret houseguest is finally discovered, so she and Caleb go on the run for a little camping trip where she finally gives up her old v-card. Back home the day, Ashley realizes she's on the verge of losing her daughter altogether, so she flips the script and invites Caleb to live with them for awhile. It's sweet, like genuinely compelling, and it also does the trick: Caleb calls the mysterious person he's been working Hanna for -- disappointing/not terribly surprising -- and calls off their deal. (We'll find out who this person is in the episode, when Caleb comes clean about his agenda, and can I just say it's amazing.)
Aria is horrified to find Jenna and Mr. Fitz working together on a short story she's submitting to a contest which -- paging Dan Humphrey -- is the incredibly true adventure of a girl who got blown up and blinded by a bunch of bitches. Too many secrets and not enough trust leads Aria to dick Ezra around for awhile before Emily gives her permission to explain the Jenna Thing, at which point Ezra assures her he loves her and will always love her no matter how many girls she blows up.
But Spencer! Oh, girl! So she and Toby finally figure out that "214" is a hotel room and, since he's hiding from his creepy sister anyway, check into the room for a couple days. We learn some things, like how Toby is almost as smart as Spencer and has the sickest body on earth, and after spending a chaste night together he finally kisses her, and it's pretty awesome.
Less awesome things we learn: The flute music coming out of 214 is actually an elaborate trick by A and Jenna was never there. Spencer's parents are sending her to therapy for framing Ian all those times, thanks to A's duplicitousness. Ian was in Hilton Head with Melissa, not Alison, which was a secret because they were getting an abortion. (Because it's TV, of course, she suffered a miscarriage on the way to the clinic.) And finally, Spencer's attempts to keep the police up Ian's ass -- and generally acting insane all the time -- have flagged her as a Person of Interest in the investigation of Alison's death.
So it looks like everybody's about five seconds from unraveling, and the hilarious tag kind of says it all: After an "SOS" text, he other Liars come running up to the woods near Spencer's house just in time to see the cops take her away. And A taped the whole thing, and is now watching it over and over... While eating literal popcorn! Nice one, show.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Girl-kissin', werewolf-showerin', flute-playin', bag-switchin', Alison-throttlin', arrested-gettin'.
The Liars tell their stories separately to the cops about what happened on the video, in a literal fashion, and then all of the other facts. As ever, the authorities are like, "Ian was a poster boy for preppies, he wouldn't have dated that horrible Alison." Spencer's like, "Well, he certainly never molested me all over the place." She does this dressed as a toy soldier from that Keanu Reeves movie.
All the Pretty Little Moms -- and Byron -- commiserate about how their daughters have been screwed by A once again, as do the Liars; the girls all agree that Spencer shouldn't have told them about Ian teaching her to golf, and then a cute little cop comes up like Dewey from Scream or Chris Pratt in Jennifer's Body about how he's practically their age, but now he's a cop. This is Garrett, a doe-eyed dude who looks exactly like every other guy on this show, but in a cop uniform.
Grizzled Senior Detective: "You know those girls?"
Garrett: "My parents lived down the street from Emily Fields, just like apparently everybody on this show somehow, so I'm implicated in everything, just like apparently everybody on this show somehow."
Grizz: "Glad to hear it. Let's nail these children to the wall."
Garrett: "Sir."
Back home, Spencer's parents have finally noticed that she is deranged, and have decided to send her to therapy. You keep framing your brother-in-law for murder all the time, like once a week, people are going to notice. Plus, Melissa knows how to throw a ten-ton shit-fit better than anyone on this show. Spencer shrinks down to the size of a thumb and feels wretched, which is like chum in the water for Melissa to appear out of nowhere and take a few whacks at her head like a piñata, and then blame the whole thing on Spencer's need to have all the attention. I love this, the noir paranoia of this storyline. Every time. It's like Body Snatchers meets Rear Window meets Serial Mom. Except for our strong Spencer weeping desperately, because that, I cannot handle at all.
It used to be that Paige was the one calling Emily all the time, but with her random behavior having activated Emily's Prime Directive -- Thou Shalt Love The Shit Out Of The Craziest People In Town -- the tables have turned and now she's the one avoiding Emily. Emily's like, "Is this because you kissed me in the middle of your ongoing psychotic break?" Paige doesn't even know what a "kissing" is, dude. She tells Emily to forget the whole thing, and Emily's mouth says okay but her fevered brain is like, "Well, now I'm going to be stalking you. So get ready for that."