So remember how last week, just as Lily and Josh were getting married, Va-Jane-Ahs water broke in the Palace kitchen? Youd think tonights episode would just begin in the hospital after Va-Jane-Ah had given birth, with her cleaned up and holding a blanket-wrapped bundle, but no. The episode begins moments after last weeks episode ended, with Jane going into labor and Sam and Brooke having to deliver the baby themselves. Whatever. I cant deliver a baby, says Brooke Butterfly McQueen. I barely know how my period works. Yes, Brooke, that tends to happen when anorexia forces your body to stop menstruating. I keep waiting for them to make a funny reference to either Polyester or Gone with the Wind. I mean, how can you have a character delivering a baby whose last name is McQueen and not make a joke about not knowing nuthin about birthin babies? Failing that, I keep waiting for them to cut to another scene or something, but no, Jane gives birth right there on the Palace kitchen floor amidst a harried discussion about mucus plugs, contractions, and turning the baby clockwise. Ew! The baby pops out after two pushes just as Mike walks in the door. Its a brunette girl. Everyone beams.
Ah, the very last credit sequence ever. Bye Leslie Bibb, kissing the air and twirling around like a fresh playful gal in a tampon commercial. Bye Carly Pope, tilting your head and lip syncing along with Kendall Payne. Bye Tamara Mello with your spooge hair gel and toothpaste smile. Bye Harrison, standing ever so still but vibrating from the excitement of following in Jon Cryers footsteps. Bye Sara Rue, role model to thin fat girls everywhere, giving the camera a contentious and voracious look like you want to tear it open and devour all those Pringles inside. Bye Bryce Johnson and your shifty hair. Bye Tammy Lynn Michaels, biting your lip in order to blot out the shameful memories of how far your character Nicole fell throughout the season before she redeemed herself in "Coup." Bye Ron Lester, moving from side to side in a hooded sweatshirt, irrelevant to the bitter end. Bye Leslie Grossman, scowling and then smiling -- perhaps failing to realize at the time of this shooting that you were going to steal this show and our hearts. Bye Jane, who doesnt belong in this sequence and never did. Bye Mike and your puffy under-eye area. And goodbye Diane Delano in your tacked-on glamour shot, jubilant to be joining the cast since it hasnt sunk in yet that youre basically Populars answer to Joe E. Tata on !
No Face Time tonight, but tonights season finale is brought to you by 7-Up.
Chem class. A wedding shower is taking place right before class begins for Lily and Josh. I mean, its the season finale. Why build a set for an appropriate place to have a wedding shower or anything when you can do it in the middle of class? Its not like anyone has to learn chemistry or anything. Harrison gives them a book called Marriage for Dingbats. If I had to write a book advising dingbats to marry, my book would consist of one word: dont. Okay, maybe thered be another chapter saying something like, Well, if you have to, please be really really diligent about using birth control, but thats pretty much it. Carmen gives them a non-food related gift: a Slosh and Slide. Its just what we needed, says Lily. As we who have nothing set up house. Life is rough for you, baby. We. Get. It. The bell rings, and Chem starts class, congratulating Sam and Brooke for delivering Janes baby themselves. Everyone applauds, and Chem finally makes a long overdue Gone with the Wind reference by calling them Teen Prissys but fails to take advantage of the comic potential of Brookes coincidental last name and mention Butterfly McQueen, the actress who played Prissy. Cmon, its right there on a platter! Take it! Do I have to do everything? Chem goes on to congratulate Lily and Josh on getting married and ruining the rest of their lives. Word!
But Chems wackiness doesnt stop there. No! Tonights the season finale! Chem will be extra wacky tonight. In fact, Chems wackiness will come piping hot to your door with a breadstick crust and your choice of three dipping sauces, ranch, marinara, and right-wing hysteria. She announces that shes the chaperone of the Junior Prom, and she has to meet with every single couple so that she can go over her dance party rules. She starts making appointments with her students, but no one is planning to go to prom. Josh and Lily are saving up for Tupperware. Sam and George have broken up. Harrison and Nicole dont have dates. That still leaves Mary Cherry, Sugar, and Carmen but for some reason Chem doesnt even go there. Instead, she vows to spend the evening cuddled up on the couch with a near beer and a sweeps episode of Providence. Heh! Oh, and Chem announces that shes renting out her basement apartment. And no, we never find out what ever happened to Nurse Jessie, who used to live in that very house.
Hallway. Josh and Lily stare at the signs advertising Chems basement apartment and discuss the possibility of getting their own place. Apparently theyve been living with Lilys mom, whos not too happy about her daughter getting married at the end of her junior year in high school -- jeez, what an uptight bitch! Is she part of some anti-sex cult or something? Furthermore, Josh is forced to sleep alone on the couch. Lily is all, So thats what this is about! Youre frustrated because we havent consummated our relationship yet? Josh explains that since theyre married, its not crazy for him to expect that they can knock boots. Hey, Josh? This is the girl who pressed sexual harassment charges against you for touching her shoulder once in the hallway. What kind of erotic lifestyle were you expecting as Lilys husband? And while were on the subject of Lilys virginity, now that we know shes clearly avoiding sex with Josh, whats up with that? I mean, if shes lawfully married and still not putting out, couldnt the writers clue us in as to what the problem is exactly? Is she still a lesbian? Is she not attracted to Josh? Are there sexual abuse issues? Does she simply not have a sex drive? Dont get me wrong. No one should have to have sex if they dont want to. Period. But if you are going to get married and your husband isnt a Hari Krishna or a Shaker, its only fair that he should know what hes getting into if you are going to insist on an abstinent marriage. I mean, are the writers still stuck in that whole virginity is virtue thinking? Um, people? If Lily was stupid enough to get married while still in high school, I think the virginity issue is moot at this point, but thats me. And I love how, still, no one on this show has a bona-fide sex drive except for the dumb jock. Anyway, Lily sighs as if to say, Whatever, my Neanderthal husband! and goes off in search of Chem to apply for the apartment.
“ Mary Cherry enters, looking almost as bad. Shes wearing a long-sleeved white t-shirt with cut-outs in the shoulders and a red pattern on it that looks like she collided with someone who ate a whole bunch of Swedish Fish and then promptly threw up all over her. What happened? They both look like crap! ”
Another part of the hallway. Brooke approaches Sam, who is wearing a lilac-colored sleeveless top that appears to be made out of Mylar and seems to be a knock-off of something Helmut Lang did back in 1994. She suggests that they both ask Harrison to go to the prom as a threesome. Okay, remember that article in New York Magazine about all those Manhattan prep-school kids from rich families whod rent hotel rooms for the weekend and have Ecstasy-fueled gang bangs, and any girls who wanted to be a part of the cool crowd had to offer herself up to the group? Between Lily and Joshs celibacy and this three-way prom date, the Manhattan gang-bangers are starting to look like normal fun-loving teens by comparison. Anyway, Sam is cool with this for some reason.
The Novak. Nicole is primping in the mirror and wearing this shirt that I cant identify to save my life. Its powder blue with mesh panels and cut like one of those prairie blouses from the eighties, but it also has this seventies-style spread collar that extends out past her shoulders. Its not even trendy ugly. Its just ugly. Mary Cherry enters, looking almost as bad. Shes wearing a long-sleeved white t-shirt with cut-outs in the shoulders and a red pattern on it that looks like she collided with someone who ate a whole bunch of Swedish Fish and then promptly threw up all over her. What happened? They both look like crap! I keep waiting for the plot explanation for their bad outfits, but apparently we are being asked to believe that this is everyday wear for them. Anyway, Mary Cherry asks Nicole to be her lawfully wedded sister. Apparently MC has been inspired by Brooke and Sams sisterly unity. Nicole listens, barely hiding her skepticism. Now we just have to decide what kind of sisters were going to be, says Mary Cherry. Are we going to be like Mary Kate and Ashley who share everything, guest star on 7th Heaven together and would graciously allow the other sister to join the Bring It squad, or would we be sisters like Julia and Eric Roberts who, when not allowed on Bring It, never speak to each other again. Bye Eric, says Nicole, exiting the Novak. Hee!
So then its the moment weve all been waiting for from the previews: Bronx Latina Mary Cherry. She just shows up in the Novak. Doesnt anyone call or write ahead of time on TV anymore? Mary Cherry notices her and gasps to see what seems to be a mirror image of herself -- only her twin is all street. She wears a bandanna around her head, rainbow wristbands, and a tank top with her nickname B. Ho emblazoned on its front in a graffiti font. At first they do this homage to Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap, moving their hands around and mirroring each others movements so that Mary Cherry is even further confused. Finally, B. Ho introduces herself as Mary Cherrys long-lost twin sister. B. Ho is clearly not thrilled with the idea that Mary Cherry is her twin, but she wants to cash in on being part of the Cherry family. While you waz sippin' Kristal in Beverly Hills, says B. Ho, I was stuck up in the Bronx raising my own damn self on the six. Mary Cherry is thrilled to have a sister and announces that she plans to get B. Ho brought into the family. Youd think that since this is the season finale and Cherry Cherrys name is being evoked, Delta would come back and make things seriously funny, but I guess that was not meant to be. And Leslie Grossman as Mary Cherrys own Latina twin seems almost as labored a performance as Diane Delano playing her own Australian Uncle Tipton. Plus using the term, bling bling, even as parody? So winter of 2001!
“ As soon as she gets out of that halfway house, she finds a studio apartment, gets a cat she names Nicole, and starts a scrapbook of clippings from Page Six that feature items about Nicole, who has just broken up Jimmy Fallon's marriage and cheats on him with Donatella Versace. ”
You know, I had dreams that the series finale was going to have Nicole do something spectacular and over the top. One of my fantasies was inspired by the pathetic rumor that Tammy Lynn Michaels hooked up with Melissa Etheridge. I had this great image of the character Nicole dating Melissa Etheridge, who plays herself. They run into each other at a health food store and Melissa, the aging rocker, is bewitched by this sweet young thing who seems so innocent. Nicole makes her feel alive again, like a grrrl rocker. What she doesn't realize is that Nicole is playing her. Charging up a storm on her credit cards at Prada and having a little side action going with her male personal trainer. Melissa's friends try to warn her about her new high-school-aged girlfriend and what she's really all about, but Melissa is in deep denial. "Nicole loves me! You're all just jealous of what we have!" she says weeping into a pillow from ABC Carpet. Soon all her friends find themselves shut out of the ever narrowing circle of Melissa Etheridge and Nicole's trusted pals: Meg Ryan, Helen Hunt, Brad Pitt, and Jennifer Aniston get the boot. One day even David Crosby, her baby's sperm donor, starts getting nothing but the machine.
Once isolated from her friends, Nicole convinces Melissa to sell her house in LA and deposit all the money from the sale to Nicoles checking account for safe keeping. They start living in huge suites at only the chic-est hotels -- the Bellagio in Vegas, the Hudson Hotel in Manhattan, the Mondrian in LA, you name it. They move every month, a measure Nicole takes in order to make sure that Melissa never stays anywhere long enough to make other friends who might start asking difficult questions now that Nicole has gotten her addicted to morphine. Sometimes she runs short cons for the suite, planting broken glass in a room-service meal, a stolen credit card, that sort of thing. But sometimes she just pays for the hotel with the money from the sale of the house. She carries a syringe around in tiny Prada bag and gives Melissa a jab now and then. It's her hold over Melissa, who sleeps while Nicole goes on aggressive, almost joyless, shopping sprees at the finest stores. After five years, Nicole gets Melissa so whacked out that Melissa signs over all her song royalties to Nicole. When Nicole realizes that she's run through all of Melissa's net worth and you cant get blood from a stone, she dumps her to run off with Ashley Hamilton. Years pass and Melissa, a broken woman, still misses her. As soon as she gets out of that halfway house, she finds a studio apartment, gets a cat she names Nicole, and starts a scrapbook of clippings from Page Six that feature items about Nicole, who has just broken up Jimmy Fallon's marriage and cheats on him with Donatella Versace. But no! Nicoles big scheme tonight is that shes tricked George -- who looks like he could probably be talked into several consecutive games of 52 pick-up -- into going to the prom with her.
Mary Cherrys dressing room. Oh my God, they finally built a another set for the inside of the Cherry/Estrada residence! Mary Cherry is trying to pick out the perfect outfit in which to ask Cherry Cherry if B. Ho can join the family. To her surprise, B. Ho is sitting in Mary Cherrys dressing room, taking in Mary Cherrys outfits. 'Cause you so fat! says B. Ho. Mary Cherry reminds B. Ho that the clothing shes altering belongs to her. B. Ho informs Mary Cherry that shes already talked to Mama Cherry. B. Ho is not only in the family, but Cherry Cherry's replacing Mary Cherry with B. Ho and giving her up for adoption. I dont gots to share the Gucci, the Versace, the Prada, raps B. Ho. B. Hos blowing up and finally getting her Escada. A social worker with a big net comes to take Mary Cherry to an orphanage.