Jamie Kennedy? As of this moment, we are no longer going out. Take care. I loved you in the Scream franchise. I rooted for you to become the Matthew Perry. But now you've made this really bad career move. Yes, I know you have to eat but, ew. And by the way, there have been advances in men's hair color since Grecian Formula. Look into it.
Right before Popular begins, the WB, clutching at straws to appear like they still own the teen demographic this year, "starts the party off" with this blatant TRL ripoff called Face Time that seems to be operating as filler between tonight's Popular and the commercial breaks. Sort of cruel really. It's as if they're reminding the teens who are unfortunate enough to be home on a Friday night that some people know how to party. Anyway, Jamie explains to us and the studio audience made up of scary and rowdy teens that while we watch a brand new Popular, Maile from Popstars is going to make a band out of random girls in the audience. Maile confirms this to Jamie and explains that Eden's Crush will also becoming up on Face Time. Then the studio audience for Face Time goes crazy at the prospect. Now some people might think that Maile making a girl band out of random studio audience members would seem to be a symbolic gesture -- a callous critique of the industry that gave her a show on the WB in the first place. There's lots of evidence that these two co-hosts are sending out encoded signals from behind enemy lines. The expression on Jamie Kennedy's bloated face. "Help me, I'm trapped in WB filler. Where did my dreams go?" It's too sad to watch.
The show starts, and oddly enough I can't seem to find the exact point that Popular begins. Right after the Sabrina credit sequence ends, some irrepressibly cheerful black girl is singing "I'm Ev'ry Woman!" and it looks as though they're-running the first episode of Popstars. Oh wait, Popular has started, and they are actually doing a very adept shout-out toward Popstars -- they've even got the same film stock. The three judges, one of whom is played by Jm J Bullock, have got the total thoughtful taking-in-of-the-performance down, including the whole pressing the fingers of each hand together in front of the mouth as if truly focused. They've even got that same tea set, and the room has that hotel convention room look to it. The irrepressibly cheerful black girl, whose name is Liberty, is told that her dream has come true and she's made it and she's going to be a guest on the show Teen Tartz. She disappears into hysteria and exits. Mary Cherry is the contestant. She enters with a giant karaoke machine on wheels, wearing what appears to be a circus trapeze artist's costume. She turns the light bulbs on that adorn her dress and tells the judges what a fan she is of the show. "I would give anything to be a teen tart…anything," she says menacingly. The smug female judge, a handsome woman who looks like Lynn Redgrave, explains that Teen Tartz is a search for the nation's most talented teens, and that there are several categories to try out for such as "Whorish Models" or "Loose and Easy Baton Twirlers" -- which just happens to be Mary Cherry's category. Mary Cherry tries out with a vocal performance of "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco. Only it's not a vocal performance; she's lip synching to the record. She even lip synchs to that rap at the beginning when it's all "In 1756, January 27, 1969, Salzburg Germany, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born." She also does this whole robot dance and pretends to be scratching records like a DJ. Last week, they brought back the Nicole we loved from last season. Tonight, they've brought back the Mary Cherry we loved from last season. The judges are scared. When she's done, they make her stand on a star so they can speak privately -- even though the star is about two feet from where she's already standing and she can hear them perfectly. When she steps over to the star, we can see the power cord coming out of her dress. The judges agree that she's probably some homeless person who snuck in, and consider calling security. "She's just not Teen Tartz material," says the earnest and avuncular black judge. Jm J Bullock tells her that she's just in. Oh, like Jm J Bullock, fresh on the heels of his failed talk show with Tammy Faye Bakker and a crystal-meth possession charge, wouldn't embrace Mary Cherry like a sister as soon as she turned on her gown. "Fine," says Mary Cherry, beginning to become enraged. "If that's the way it's going to be. I know you judges are all just jealous of my TIGHT TEEN ASS!" She tells the judges that she's going to be famous whether or not she gets on Teen Tartz. "I'm going to become famous if it's the last thing I do!" She gives us the classic Mary Cherry smile.
Credits. Then Jamie Kennedy tells us that Face Time is brought to you by Dr. Pepper, hiding his bitterness behind a smug ironic grin.
Brooke yawns. It's the palace kitchen. Lily, Sam, Josh, and the aforementioned Brooke are studying for the SATs. Brooke is wearing a hot pink sweater made of some nubby material. Her hair has a straight part. Lily looks cute in a burnt-copper knit top over an olive shirt with a spread collar. Her hair is doing a double-layered flip. Sam is wearing what looks to be a yellow "pinny." Remember pinnies? Those things the gym teachers would make you wear so you could all tell what team you were on? That way, in the days of coeducational phys ed, you wouldn't have to do shirts and skins. Anyway, Sam is wearing one over a white sweatshirt. Whatever. Her hair is shorter and has been styled into these coil-like tendrils. Didn't Prince have a similar haircut circa the "Controversy" album? She's also got this pale make-up on. For about the forty-fifth time, why do they keep insisting that Sam is the no-nonsense "substance"-oriented teen while Brooke is the surface-oriented teen? Clearly Sam is the one spending hours on her hair and make-up every morning, while Brooke seems to just comb her hair and go to school. Josh, who is all of a sudden acting unusually dumb tonight, explains that analogies make no sense to him. The girls sing "Which of these things is not like the other?" from Sesame Street to remind him how to figure an analogy out. Josh is still confused but wants to move on to the math questions. Lily wants to make sure that Josh is really clear on what analogies are, and gives a little speech about how important good SAT scores are and how they'll haunt you for the rest of your life. For a second there, it looks as though she's going to go off on a tangent about how unfair and racist and hierarchical standardized testing is. But she doesn't. I'm sort of relieved, but another part of me thinks it feels unnatural for Lily not to touch something like that. "Don't just brush it off if you don't get it," she says. Brooke reads one of those problems with the trains heading towards each other from 215 miles apart. One goes a certain speed. The other goes another speed. When do they meet. Josh hears two trains crashing in his head.
Nicole and Mary Cherry happen to be sharing the mirror in the Novak. And I guess they're still honoring the plot line from last week in which the two girls aren't speaking to each other because things are chilly. While they primp, Nicole gives her "condolences" to Mary Cherry on her unsuccessful bid to grab a spot on Teen Tartz. Mary Cherry, instead of being a bitch back, opts to kiss ass instead, offering Nicole co-captainship of the newly resurrected Kennedy High Academic Decathlon Team in a bid to get some power back that was taken away from her when the Glamazons were canned for lack of student funds. "You're putting together a team to play The Big Head Challenge?" asks Nicole, referring to a show that apparently plays on some public-access station. Hi, could there be more of a shout out to our former nickname for Lily: Little Big Head? "I'll be seen by dozens," says Mary Cherry, pronouncing dozens "dough-zens" and making that gesture around her face with her manicured hand. She offers Nicole a spot on the team in exchange for a chance to be her best friend again. Nicole declines. Mary Cherry points out the benefits of being seen on TV. Nicole changes her mind and agrees to find a faculty sponsor.
The hallway. Lily and Carmen stand at their lockers while Carmen explains why she was missing from their SAT study group that morning. Her hair is candy-apple red and has been bullied into a That Girl flip. She is wearing tight black clothing. Carmen explains that she's going to postpone the SATs and devote the time she would have used for studying to take salsa lessons. She would just have to pick a dance that was also the name of a condiment. Lily reminds Carmen that the SATs are more important that "shaking your bon-bon." Like, she would just have to refer to candy when choosing a euphemism for Carmen's ass. "Don't judge, Lil," says Carmen. "I know it's unorthodox, but I really think I could better communicate my value to the world through my dancing than by pulling some average score on some stupid test." Before Lily can answer her, Josh comes up to them and asks Lily for some help on a certain SAT question. Carmen exits, and Lily tells Josh that she can't help him. Josh promises to make out with her if she'll change her mind and study with him. Lily tells Josh that she's got to study alone. She's been spending too much time helping him and she needs to help herself if she's going to get a scholarship for college. This is a perfectly sensible request of Lily's, but of course they have to make it all about how Lily doesn't think that Josh is smart enough, and Josh gets all offended. Lily tries to assure him that she doesn't think he's dumb and walks off to class. Josh watches her go with a melancholy look in his eyes.
Chem's class. Chem admires a stack of large bills in her possession, shares a wink with Mary Cherry, and announces that thanks to her overwhelming sense of school spirit and "a sudden appreciation for Mary Cherry's intellectual ability," she has decided to be the faculty sponsor for the Kennedy's Big Head Challenge team. She explains that there are five spots on the team, and two are already taken by Nicole and Mary Cherry. The class rolls their eyes over the blatant travesty that is Mary Cherry's captainship, and there are no takers for the remaining three spots. Chem takes attendance. To everyone's surprise, Cherry Cherry's name is called. Delta Burke as Cherry Cherry enters -- her hair as big as Texas -- and announces her presence. I daresay she's sporting a Texan-housewife mullet. She explains that her SAT scores came back to haunt her while applying for membership at a local country club. "Scoring less than fifty points on that test can ruin you socially," she says. Sam points out to her that you get two hundred points for spelling your name right. "I panicked!" explains Cherry Cherry. A flashback illustrates an embarrassing experience she had applying for a country-club membership. Her application is being evaluated by none other than Jm J Bullock and the other two Teen Tartz judges, who sit in front of her behind yet another table in yet another hotel conference room with one of those decanters of coffee in front of them. They look her over from head to toe -- she looks boss in a navy blue Stetson and a purple suede coat trimmed with lilac fur -- and discuss her shoes. "Ms. Cherry?" says Jm. "It seems somebody only got a total score of 50 on their SATs." "You're just not country club material," says the earnest and avuncular black judge. Cherry Cherry vows to take the test again in a week and break a hundred. "I plan on proving that there's nothing that can't be accomplished with perseverance and lots of cash," says Delta Burke. "So get teaching, Bobbie!" she commands.
Cafeteria -- which they've totally given up on as a set these days. It's really just a blue backdrop with a single table placed in front of it with some background noise. Not a single extra. Harrison sits studying for the SATs. Josh enters and sits down. He's freaked about the SATs, having heard Cherry Cherry's story, and he's worried Lily will dump him if he gets a low score. "I mean maybe it's not enough that I'm hot," says Josh. Okay, since when has anyone dumped anyone over the SATs, and since when has Lily become Miss Academic Standards 2001? Furthermore, Josh is a jock who is involved in the theater -- not to mention his involvement in That Gay Club That Lily Started A Few Episodes Ago That Hasn't Been Seen Or Heard From Since. Admissions people love well-rounded people like that, and I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly fine schools that would overlook a low set of scores in favor of an otherwise impressive application. I mean, it's not like he's counting on going to MIT. Harrison asks Josh what section of the SATs he's having problems with. Josh says, "The answers." Geddit? Josh is just that dumb. Har dee har har. And I just wanted to interject here that, in addition to being annoyed at such a weak plot line, I am really getting sick of having to type capital S, capital A, and capital T over and over again. I know I should design a macro but how pathetic is that? Harrison suggests that there's a way for Josh to study for the SAT and impress Lily at the same time: join the Kennedy Big Head Challenge team.
In another part of the cafeteria -- this time it's a grey background with some napkin dispensers in the foreground and some shadowy extras milling about -- Sam and Brooke decide what a good idea it would be for them to join the Kennedy Big Head Challenge team, because Chem will allow them to miss class all week so they can cram for the show, which is just like studying for the SAT, insists Brooke. Like, hi? There would never be a game show that would actually ask you SAT questions for prizes. Who the hell would want to watch someone do -- for instance -- the reading comprehension section, where you have to read a paragraph and answer questions about what was in that paragraph? Where's the fun in that? Academic decathlons ask you factual questions about state capitals and Latin sayings -- something the SAT never tests you on because it's supposed to be a measure of your aptitude and not your knowledge of state birds. Whatever, it's Popular.
Yet another part of the cafeteria. This time it's more of a real set with extras that's been designed to accommodate reverse shots, though there isn't a single shot that accommodates both actresses, so it's really just two more backdrops with some extras. Chem, who sits in front of a periwinkle blue background, is tutoring Cherry Cherry, who sits "opposite her" in front of a sand-colored background. They feast on some catering that Cherry Cherry had brought in. Cherry Cherry is giving Josh a run for his money in the dumb department. For instance when given the problem 3x = 6 and asked "what is x," Cherry Cherry gives "two million dollars" as the answer. Fortunately, Delta is way better at playing dumb than Bryce. Chem wonders why Cherry Cherry doesn't just skip the SATs and show her Country Club peers how smart she is by appearing on TV on behalf of the -- you guessed it -- Kennedy Big Head Challenge team. Cherry Cherry warms to the idea of television exposure and asks Chem who she can bribe to make the team. "You know her very well," says Chem, as we cut to Mary Cherry in the Novak, practicing her smile in front of the mirror.
Chem and Cherry Cherry enter the hallway and head for the Novak with Cherry Cherry's yellow application to join the Kennedy Big Head Challenge. On their way, they see Harrison and Josh, who are headed for the Novak themselves with the same application in Josh's hands. A slap fight between the two pairs ensues while Mary Cherry is shown at the Novak mirror again, oblivious to the conflict outside, removing her invisible braces and giving her teeth a once-over with her tongue. Cherry Cherry bursts in and inquires after her "little treasure." Mary Cherry looks around the Novak to see who Cherry Cherry could possibly be talking about. Cherry Cherry explains that she wants to be on the Kennedy Big Head Challenge team. Josh bursts in, pushing Cherry Cherry behind the door, and announces his intention to join the team as well. "I'm her mother," says Cherry Cherry. "I'm her…well I sort of know her…very well," says Josh. Mary Cherry informs them that there's one slot left -- I presume because she gave Brooke and Sam places on the team. "Looks like someone's gonna be doing some serious ass-kissing," says Mary Cherry. Josh and Cherry Cherry glare at each other.
Carmen's adventure in Latina-cliché-land. Her first salsa lesson. Fortyish female salsa teacher, who is kind of working this Rita Moreno-on-Oz world-weariness coupled with a Joanne Wurley-meets-Carmen Maura sense of personal style, tells Carmen that she sucks as a dancer. "I watch you dance and I relive my birth trauma," says Fortyish Female Salsa Teacher. Oh, can we have this woman on every week? Please? Oh but wait, it's not that Carmen is a bad dancer per se, explains the salsa teacher. It's that she's "thinking so hard about the steps," she doesn't "feel them." Gee, I wonder where this is going. Do you suppose that maybe Carmen will be able to "feel" the magic of salsa dancing if -- say -- Fortyish Female Salsa Teacher has a hunky non-English-speaking nephew, played by someone like Mario Lopez from Saved By the Bell, who will awaken Carmen's sensuality by dancing with her? No way! Popular would never resort to such a clichéd story line full of trite concepts about rhythm and ethnicity. Oh wait. They are. Salsa Teacher calls her nephew Pablo and makes her dance with Carmen. "He doesn't speak any English," she explains. "But he has music in his blood." Pablo enters. Carmen's eyes light up as she melts and sizzles just like a thick layer of cheese on top of a pan full of enchiladas.
Empty classroom. Harrison fruitlessly attempts to coach Josh on some math questions. Josh fails to grasp even the simplest concepts of geometry. Um, if Josh is really this ignorant, why isn't he in special ed or something? And what is Harrison getting out of this arrangement? They cut to Pablo teaching Carmen in the dance studio. At first it's awkward and messy. Like biting into a stale taco shell and getting the filling in your lap. But soon Carmen and Pablo are mixing it up like beans and rice. Okay, no one actually said something that excruciatingly clichéd out loud, but I'm sure someone was thinking it. Back in the empty classroom, Harrison attempts to teach Josh some more. Josh asks why Harrison isn't doing the Big Head challenge himself. "I don't think Sam and I should be playing on the same team right now," says Harrison. Carmen and Pablo flirt some more…and dance badly. He tries to schedule another lesson. She thinks he's asking her out. 'Cause it's not an episode until Carmen makes a fool of herself over someone thinner than she is. Finally she gets it, though, and schedules a lesson for the following Saturday. I'm having a bit of trouble with this whole thing because Pablo doesn't seem terribly heterosexual to me. But then I guess it would make sense that Carmen would throw herself at a gay man. It's about the only pathetic thing that hasn't happened to her this season.
Kennedy hallway. Harrison has finally had enough of failing to coach Josh for the Big Head team. A delivery person from Mr. Cluck's arrives with two chicken dinners for Josh -- something to eat while he studies solo. Somehow this leads to Josh demonstrating his Rain Man-like knowledge of chicken facts. This heartens Harrison, who changes his mind and decides to stick around and get Josh ready for tryouts the day.
Tryouts. Empty classroom. Cherry Cherry begins by apologizing to Mary Cherry for a host of sins, including always forgetting her birthday and trying to run over Mary Cherry with a car when she stained her favorite chinchilla coat. Sam, Brooke, and Nicole watch from the sidelines. Nicole pronounces them "amateurs" at emotional bribery. Mary Cherry makes her mother give her a real hug, with arms around her and everything. "So, I'm on the team now?" asks Cherry Cherry. "No," says Mary Cherry, awash in the glow of some much-needed physical contact with her mother. "You still have to face off with Josh." Delta squeezes Mary Cherry hard until she can't breathe.
Carmen practices salsa in the Novak. Lily enters and watches her, smiling at the progress she's made. Carmen tells her all about the guy she met in her dance class. Lily rips into her for sacrificing her future for some guy she just met who doesn't speak English. "You don't even know if you have a basis for an intellectual relationship," snorts Lily. "You're going to talk to me about a basis for an intellectual relationship when you're dating Josh Ford?" says Carmen, getting right in her face. "Pablo doesn't speak English because he doesn't know it, not because he can't learn it."
Nicole runs the Big Head tryouts. She tells Josh and Cherry Cherry that the first person to get a question right gets a spot on the team. "And the one who loses is officially the stupidest person on the face of the earth! Ready?" Brooke and Sam watch from the sidelines, horrified at the realization that whoever wins actually has to be on their team. The category is "Philosophical Dilemmas." Mary Cherry asks, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Cherry Cherry slams her hand down on the buzzer immediately and shouts out, "BRAN FLAKES!" She's wrong, obviously, so the question goes to Josh, who explains that since chickens evolved from the interbreeding of other animals, the first chicken hatched from an egg laid by an animal of a different species. Josh is correct and makes the team. Cherry Cherry is enraged. She vows that the Kennedy Big Head Team will regret the day that they crossed Cherry Cherry. "And as for you," she says to Mary Cherry. "Just wait until you get home!"
The Palace kitchen on a Saturday morning. Lily enters, eager to start studying. Brooke and Sam tell her they've got a surprise for her. Josh made the Big Head team, and they're taking her to the studio to see them compete. Lily doesn't want to put off studying or see Josh make a fool of himself. Brooke is all, "Lily, Josh is doing this for you." "Well then he's doing this for the wrong reason," says Lily, who insists on studying by herself in the Palace kitchen while Sam and Brooke go off to compete. "You're making a big mistake," says Sam. "I know Josh too," says Brooke. "And I can tell you that one thing you don't have to study for is how to hurt his feelings. Because I think you have that down." Despite the cheesiness of the line, I love it when people put Lily in her place. Nevertheless, Lily remains unmoved and insists on staying put.
Back at the Hacienda of the Forbidden Dance, Carmen enters to find Pablo giving a salsa lesson to another woman. It's just dancing, and this realization hits Carmen, flattening her like a flour tortilla.
Backstage at the Big Head Challenge. Mary Cherry, wearing a red feather boa around her neck, announces that although she was unable to bribe the judges to give her the answers, she was able to choose their opponents. Nicole asks who that would be. "The Bush Private School for Special Needs Children," says Mary Cherry. Heh! Nicole smirks. Chem is stoked. The rest of the team seems somewhat horrified at the prospect of competing against retards. The stage manager calls "places," and the gang heads for the soundstage. On their way, Josh asks Sam where Lily is. Sam lies and tells him that she's watching on TV because she doesn't want to make him nervous. Josh doesn't buy it.
The Kennedy High team hits the stage, and the announcer introduces the team from the Bush School for Special Needs Children. It turns out that the team is composed of Cherry Cherry, the three judges from Popstars, and a guy in a wheelchair. Ed McMahon, playing himself, is introduced as the emcee.
Okay, so then this really really meta moment happens. Lily is back at the Palace, studying and having some Evian water. She looks at a Panasonic white TV/VCR combo on the desk in front of her, considering whether or not to turn it on. Okay, that Panasonic white TV/VCR combo is the exact same thing I have on my desk to my computer so I can recap. I spend like twenty minutes staring at this thing on freeze frame -- a white TV inside a white TV. Moments like these are made for marijuana. She considers turning it on, but opens a generic teen magazine and takes the quiz inside called "Are you with your boyfriend for the right reasons?" Okay, like anyone past junior high would take a quiz in a magazine to solve their relationship dilemmas.
The game begins. Mary Cherry and Cherry Cherry step up to the podium for the first round. Before Ed announces the first category, Mary tells Cherry that she's shocked that Cherry would do something so terrible to her own daughter. "Then you're stupider than I thought," hisses Cherry Cherry. The category is "Abusive Mothers." Cherry Cherry sweeps it, answering questions correctly about Joan Crawford, Susan Smith, and Jaid Barrymore, because after all, she is one of them. "This game is rigged!" whines Mary Cherry.
Back at the Palace, Lily focuses on a question on her teen quiz: "Are you with your boyfriend because he's smart?" She turns on the TV to see Jm J Bullock squared off against Nicole. "Page fifty-four of the new Restoration Hardware Catalog is…" Jm slams the buzzer: "Bathroom fixtures!" You know, I should probably object to such stereotyping of gay men as being unhealthily obsessed with the Restoration Hardware catalog, but it's the damn truth. I love that catalog like a teenage boy loves porn. Furthermore, I just bought a set of cocktail glasses and a floor mop from them and am seriously considering painting the walls of my bedroom with their sage green paint.
Pablo's lesson with the other girl ends and he escorts her to the door. Carmen and Pablo begin their lesson, but Carmen freaks out at the thought of him teaching that other woman and starts to collect her things. Pablo is disappointed with her decision since her dancing has gotten so much better. She can't understand him, and he can't understand her. Finally she tells an older Hispanic lady to tell Pablo thank you and that she "learned a lot." Older Hispanic Lady tells Pablo in a subtitled Spanish conversation that he knows a lot about music, but he knows nothing about women. Uh, that's because he's gay!
The Big Head Challenge. Bush Private School for Special Needs Children is shutting out the Kennedy team 3,600 to zero. They break for a commercial, and the perturbed Kennedy team heads back to their dressing room to consider alternate strategies. They consider pulling Josh from the team and replacing him with Harrison. Harrison sticks up for Josh even though Josh wants out now that he knows that Lily isn't watching. The stage manager calls places. "Harrison's right," says Brooke. "We came as a team and we're going to leave as one." The break is over, and Brooke is the contestant to step up. She faces the handsome woman who looks like Lynn Redgrave. The category is "Brooke McQueen," so Brooke gives answers like "eating disorder" and "Glamazon" to a series of personal questions and wins the round. Sam wins the round, a series of questions about shows on the WB. One of the answers she gives to an unheard question is "adult film star." Obviously, they must have been asking something about Simon Rex from Jack & Jill. The score is tied. Josh steps up. His opponent is the guy in the wheelchair who Harrison and Chem, watching from the dressing room, suspect might actually be Stephen Hawking, hired by Cherry Cherry to impersonate a high-school sophomore. But the category happens to be poultry, so Josh wins it. Lily, who as it turns out is watching, beams with pride as Kennedy moves into the lead and ultimately wins -- largely because Stephen Hawking can't hit the buzzer fast enough. Back in the dressing room, Cherry Cherry bursts in on the victory celebration and tells Mary Cherry how proud she was to see her embarrass her own mother on television. Although she's grounded for life for crossing her -- and she's out of the will. "Thanks for playing a game with me, Mama," says a bittersweet Mary Cherry.
Back at Kennedy, Lily apologizes to Carmen for what she said about Pablo and realizes now that there are more important things than the SAT. Carmen accepts her apology because, she realizes, Lily was ultimately right. But she wasn't, as Lily points out, because Pablo is right there. He asks Carmen out in English, thanks to some note cards his aunt gave him with the correct words spelled out for him phonetically. What a moment of triumph for fat girls everywhere! Carmen wipes away an invisible tear and says, "Sí." Her face glows like a beef chimichanga fresh from the deep fryer.
stop, Josh. Lily finds Josh and apologizes to him for missing him win his "big head," and for making him feel like less than her because he doesn't have the same priorities that she does. She gives a speech about how the SAT is not an indicator of how good a boyfriend is. "It's not about what you learn. It's what you know in your heart," says Lily. They kiss and make up. Harrison, who is spying on them for some reason, is heartened by the exchange. He stares at them for a while and exits.