OK, yet another bizarre sexless coupling. Brooke and Jamie, that college guy she met at the party, wake up together in his dorm room. It's not what you think. They fell asleep on his couch watching Conan O'Brien. With their clothes on. No wait, it is what you think. What is up with everyone on this show forgetting to have sex? I'm not trying to imply anything here, but it's really creepy how the heterosexuals on this show go out and stuff but no one seems to ever really want to have sex -- or even fool around in a big way. Brooke's bed head is really becoming though.
Brooke is all, "My Dad is going to freak!" Jamie tells her to just call her dad and tell him the truth -- one of those really good sensible ideas that rarely occur to the regular characters on this show. Brooke phones home. Sam answers. Her hair is nice -- bouncy and unfussy -- and she's wearing a white baseball jersey with kelley green sleeves, which is fine. But there's this thick coating of lilac iridescent eye shadow that totally ruins everything. She looks like she should be in one of those barely legal photo spreads where they dress some girl in her twenties up in something a normal teen girl should wear -- unicorn sweatshirt, pig tails, overalls -- but then they do her makeup like she's the mother of the bride in a Mafia wedding. What is up with that? Are they piling on the greasepaint in order to hide the fact that the girls are indeed legal and have been for many years or is the makeup intended to make the girl look older so these men who enjoy this sort of thing don't feel like total perverts? Sam wants to know why Brooke is calling her from inside the house. Since this indicates to Brooke that no one's noticed she stayed out overnight, she asks Sam to cover for her and make it look like she left for school early. "Just think of something," she says. Sam starts to tease Brooke about how in love with Jamie she is. She hangs up on her when Va-Jane-Ah enters, asking Sam where Brooke is this morning. Sam, off the top of her head, invents a special cheerleading practice for Brooke. "I didn't know that the Glamazons practiced in the morning," says Va-Jane-Ah. "Because they don't," says a disembodied male voice. It's Mike. He enters holding up Brooke's Glamazon uniform. I'm trying really hard not to think about what Mike is doing rummaging through Brooke's empty bedroom at eight in the morning while he thinks she's at school. "Start talking, Sam," says Mike. Okay, from the promos you'd think that this is the main plot and that Mary Cherry and/or Nicole were going to round out the episode with a frivolous but sort of half-assed subplot as they've been doing all season. Actually, this Brooke and Jamie thing is the subplot this week. And Nicole is the main plot. And she rocks.
Credits.
Chem's class. Something tells me this is going to be a good episode by the way the class is watching a movie in the dark while they eat popcorn. The film is a documentary about the praying mantis, and Chem and her class are sharing a rare moment of solidarity in their fascination for the sexual tendencies of the female mantis. Okay, it's yet another obvious Chemistry lesson to set up the theme of the episode (and it's not even Chemistry but, in fact, Biology) but I really appreciate that it doesn't involve Chem just barking at everyone…because barking is wacky like that. As the mating rituals are described, -- the female mantis rips off the head of the male mantis after intercourse -- the girls in the class, even bleeding heart Lily, get totally stoked. Meanwhile, the men go inward, worrying about the future of their genitals. Men are from Mars, women are from a vicious planet filled with man-eating vultures. At last, we all know the score. Chem asks Sam where Brooke is. Sam makes an oblique statement about Brooke being in trouble. The film ends, and Chem turns on the lights and starts lecturing them on what a shame it was that although Mantis society is one of the few female dominated cultures, it's only thanks to "sexualized ambition" that the females get anywhere. Nicole raises her hand to disagree with Chem's "pretzel logic" and points to herself as an example of a young woman who is breaking through that "glass ceiling." Uh, does Nicole even have a job? Chem points out to Nicole that now that she's been kicked off the Glamazons, she no longer has power at this school. The rest of the class chuckles in agreement. "I bet you never get that power back," says Chem. Oh this is a sad, sad moment for Nicole. "I bet you I do," says Nicole. "I don't need sex to get power, I'm a…" Chem cuts her off before she can finish. "Blah blah blah blah blah. You're a teen mantis." The class chuckles knowingly at Chem's assessment of Nicole again. Chem announces the movie, which is Female Trouble by John Waters. "Miss Julian, you may want to pay special attention," says Chem. "There's meaning in this flick." Hee! Not that I really know what that means. I guess it's a warning since the female heroine, a praying mantis in her own right, gets executed in the end. Female Trouble contains one of my favorite lines in a movie ever. It's when that student in Dawn's (Divine) class is all, "Mr. Weinberger! Dawn Davenport is eating a meatball sandwich in class and she's passing notes!" Cracks me up each time. How long before Carmen Ferrera is busted for eating Pringles in class?
Principal Calvin Krupps' office. April Tuna, class president, Gus Latrine, her vice president, and that wheelchair-bound Alfalfa-esque guy that was shown briefly in "Style and Substance Abuse" LINKIT during the debate (I didn't mention him in the recap), are meeting with Krupps. An extracurricular activity needs to be cut and April is the one who has to "pull the trigger." April has this lesbian soccer mom look going on. That's the only way I can describe it. She's wearing one of those ski parkas that's cut in a sporty yet matronly way -- the kind of thing you see a Boulder, Colorado housewife like Patsy Ramsey wearing to the supermarket. An American-flag-themed scarf adorns her neck. She also has her hair pulled back in a Hillary Clinton-esque headband, but then it poufs out the back in this really strange helmet type way. I am in love with her all over again. Anyway, she's being one of those stereotypical women in charge who can't make decisions because doesn't want to let anyone down. You know how there's that Carol Gilligan theory that women make better businesspeople because they have the gift of empathy? Hi, anyone who has had a job in the United States can tell you that, in fact, women are good businesspeople because they can be just as power-hungry and aggressive as their male co-workers. People in charge who can't make decisions can be as empathetic as they want, but it's not going to make them better businesspeople -- unless they want to be teachers or social workers. "I can't pull the trigger of this Russian Roulette power play," she moans. "What she's trying to say," says Gus Latrine, "is that she doesn't have the cojones to cut one club." Principal Hall points out to April that being class president "isn't all book fairs and bake sales." Nicole bursts in, refers to April as "Hair pie" and demands to be made a Glamazon again. Principal Krupps turns her down. "I smell a slut in the room," says Gus Latrine. "Shut up, My Left Foot," says Nicole. Hee! Krupps calls her a "teen mantis" for the second time that day and tells her to get out of the room while they're talking about important school business. "Yeah," says Gus Latrine. "Wait outside 'til the mens are done." April looks down at the ground at the mention of "the mens." Nicole exits but she eavesdrops from the waiting room. Krupps mentions that the decision to cut a club must be made by the student council. April Tuna whines that "killing extracurriculars is not in my feminine nature. I'm a gatherer and a nest builder." Hee! Krupps wants her decision by Friday. "Don't worry," says Gus Latrine. "I'll make up her mind for her." Nicole smirks outside because has a plan.
Josh and Harrison are having lunch. Josh shows his sample college application form to Harrison, who remarks that Josh has no extracurriculars. Um, hello? Josh is on every sports team. He was the lead in South Pacific last year. He was just in Chem's VD play and Equus and is the vice president of "Kennedy Students Support GAYS AND LESBIANS Club. Does anyone in that writing pool have any concept of continuity? Harrison mentions that he too has no extracurriculars -- even though he's secretary of the Kennedy Students Support GAYS AND LESBIANS Club. They decide to join Emory Dick's John Travolta club because it requires no work and it won't be slashed by April Tuna week because Emory is April's boyfriend. Also, the club is called "Staying Alive," and Harrison points out that colleges will think it's some sort of Euthanasia club. Josh thinks Harrison is talking about Youth in Asia and thinks that would look "global" to college people. Shame on you, Popular writers, robbing jokes from the late Gilda Radner's character, Emily Litella.
Kennedy Hallway. Brooke enters, runs into Sam, and pumps her for information. Sam tells her that she missed a "Praying Mantis/Divine double feature" and that she was totally busted by Mike and Va-Jane-Ah, who want to discuss the incident at dinner that night. Brooke apologizes for dragging Sam into it. Sam asks her how the nookie was. Brooke tells Sam that they only fell asleep. "I lied for that?" says Sam. "Why didn't you just tell the truth?" Brooke promises to do just that at the dinner/inquisition. They exit and Emory and April enter. Emory is trying to lobby April to spare his club from being eliminated. April protests that she's trying to be impartial and shouldn't be discussing this with him. Nicole hears everything from her vantagepoint. She exits into the Novak, and Emory says goodbye to April. Now alone in the hall, April hears crying coming from the Novak. She goes to investigate. When she opens the door she finds Nicole weeping to herself. "Is everything…all right?" asks April, moved by Nicole's tears. "Has Tom Ford died?" Nicole assures her that he's still alive and thanks her for asking. "I'm disturbed to find a raptor as vicious as yourself suffering pain. Hankie?" April offers Nicole a skanky looking hankie. Now that we all know what Froo-tage is, if I were Nicole, I'd personally insist on knowing if that hankie had been handy the last time Emory Dick and April were in a broom closet together before I accepted it. But that's just me. Nicole accepts the hankie graciously and apologizes for "ripping [her] a new one" in Krupps' office. April acknowledges that she's been called worse by everyone else. Okay, you know those nature documentaries on snakes in the African jungle and how said snakes can stay very still while waiting for their prey and it's just so beautiful how poised they are waiting for their meal? That's how Nicole is looking at April Tuna right now. "But from now on," says Nicole faux-earnestly. "We women need to stick together and not run each other down. She then proceeds to plant the idea in April's head that she's not being taken as seriously as she should be by the men in charge. "Boys like Gus and Emory think they own you," says Nicole. April acknowledges that it's "lonely at the top." "Having had status once, I have to say," says Nicole. Once you've had it, it's hard to lose." April thinks that's most profound statement she's heard in a while and writes it down in her cloth-bound "quote file." Nicole gets up to leave and wishes April good luck in picking a club to eliminate, gently hinting that April could really use the services of a loyal female advisor to help her make such an important decision. Just before she's out the door, April invites her to her office for a Fruitopia the following day. Nicole accepts and winks deviously at the camera.
Dinner at the Palace. Hey is that the Survivor theme? How ingenious of them to make fun of a cultural landmark like Survivor. That's, like, never ever been done before. Leave it to Popular to be right there at the beginning of the trend, just eight months after the first season had its final episode. How do they keep it so fresh and current? Surely there must be a team of top-notch consultants advising the producers on the trends of tomorrow. Hey, maybe they can vote the parents off! That would be a great way to get rid of them. Unfortunately, it never happens because there's really very little about Survivor going on besides that theme music and a couple of jokes that Brooke makes about dinner that night resembling a tribal council meeting. Mike tells Brooke that she's grounded for two weeks and she's to break it off with Jamie despite the fact that Brooke apologizes for lying about something that turned out to be very innocent. Brooke appeals to Va-Jane-Ah for her to get Mike to stop treating her like a child. Before she can say anything, Mike's all, "as long as you live in my house you will live by my rules!" Brooke stomps out of the room. Sam is also to be grounded for one week. "I will not tolerate conspiracies in this house," says Mike. Okay, could someone please kill me the day I say in all earnestness, "I will not tolerate conspiracies in this house"? Unless, of course, I've found out that my children are, in fact, anti-government spies. Sam is all, "I didn't do anything! Mom, tell him!" Again, Va-Jane-Ah stops short of speaking out against Mike. Sam stomps out and Va-Jane-ah, sassy creature that she is and newly endowed with mother goddess-energy now that she's pregnant, clears the table.
The morning, Jane has apparently tapped into a mother lode of mother goddess-energy because she's still cleaning the kitchen. Sam enters and starts hounding her mother over her punishment, claiming it's unfair that Mike is giving her the same punishment as Brooke when Mike's not even her own father. "I thought you were the one in charge of disciplining me!" Jane points out that although her punishment was harsh, she still lied and deserved to be punished. "Mike might not be your father, but he's your parent," says Jane. "I thought both of you wore the pants in this house," says Sam. "I guess I was wrong." Mike enters. Sam snubs him and leaves for school. Jane rips into him, sorta, for punishing Sam without consulting her about it. She also says she feels that Brooke is mature and can probably handle herself with a college boy. "Would you be so hard on her if Brooke were a seventeen year-old boy?" And then, just to show Mike how powerful and determined women like her and Brooke can be, she starts beating up some eggs for breakfast.
April Tuna escorts Nicole into her office, which is located in the refrigerated room they use to cure meat for the cafeteria. "Yeah," says April, "ya get used to the frigid temp but the jerky smell never goes away." Hee! Nicole says that she thought the president's office was to the principal's office. April tells her that Krupps had her move downstairs because he needed to convert it into a large tanning booth. "Did you complain?" asks Nicole. "I didn't want to make waves," says April. Nicole is wearing this really awful outfit, actually. Tom_Ford_Sucks from the forums thinks (and he's probably right) that it's a shout-out to Charlotte Rampling's leather-studded fascist outfit in Night Porter, but I think it looks like she's trying to emulate Al Pacino in Cruising. Only, instead of leather and studs, it's velvet and rhinestones. And it just doesn't look good on Nicole. I guess this is supposed to be a statement about power or some such thing. Nicole replies that she knows just how April feels, since she never had the nerve to stand up to the other Glamazons back when she wanted to bring April in as choreographer. And while it's clever of Nicole to make it look like she was always looking out for April, it's totally inconsistent because they made April choreographer at the end of the "News Of My Death Has Been Greatly Exaggerated" episode. Nevertheless, April is feeling vengeful about not being Glamazon choreographer and jokes about "pulling the plug on those 'rexic prima donnas." Nicole, once she ascertains that there's a grain of truth in April's joke, warns her not to attack too soon or the enemy will come back stronger. April is impressed with this Machiavellian advice and asks her to be her "Dick Cheney." Nicole observes that "even Dick Cheney got something for his troubles." April summons Gus Latrine and fires him on the spot. Then she and Nicole send his wheelchair flying down the hall while singing, "Sisters are doing it for themselves." When the wheelchair crashes and Gus's body flies through the air, April asks Nicole to be her new vice president. Nicole accepts and they toast the auspicious event with their Fruitopias.
The John Travolta club. Various male Kennedy students dressed as various Travoltas are doing "The Hustle." There's a Vinnie Barbarino, an Urban Cowboy, a Danny Zuko and even a Winged Michael. Emory, no longer mulleted, is wearing the white polyester three-piece from Saturday Night Fever and has a slicked-back pompadour, just like Tony Minero. Harrison and Josh enter and tell Emory they want to join the club. Emory is down with that but warns them they might be shut down by April week. Josh reminds Emory that he's April's boyfriend and that should account for something. Emory tells them that being April's boyfriend may actually work against them because she may bend over backwards in an effort to appear impartial and cut them nonetheless. Harrison tells Emory to appoint a new president, thereby ending the appearance of conflict of interest. Emory thinks that's a great idea but has no idea who should be the new president. Harrison and Josh both volunteer and then argue over who deserves it. Of course no one gives a thought to the fact that there are several "Staying Alive" members who have been attending meetings throughout the whole year and probably should have been considered for president first. Josh points out that the president of "Staying Alive" should know how to dance. Harrison is all, "Is that a dis?" Emory proposes a dance-off to be judged by April Tuna. This had better be going somewhere funny.
Novak. Carmen and Mary Cherry are primping at the mirror, giggling over what a loser Nicole has become. I love vengeful, bitchy Carmen. Could we keep her this way? Nicole enters from a stall wearing a baggy olive green "Pep Squad" warm-up suit. "Oh don't tell me that you've joined the spaz squad!" says Mary Cherry. "What other choice do I have?" says Nicole faux-earnestly. Carmen is all supportive of Nicole's determination to be involved no matter what. Nicole asks Carmen to sign a waiver allowing "The Peppers" back on the field. Apparently when Nicole was captain of the Glamazons, she wrote a bylaw that forbade "The Peppers" from appearing on the field during games because they were all so ugly. "What could it hurt?" asks Carmen. "She's no threat to us now." Carmen and Mary Cherry sign the waiver.
thing you know, the Glamazons are watching a Peppers practice -- only they've changed their name to "Bring It." Bring It On shout-out! They're doing a salute to Madonna's "Vogue" choreographed by April Tuna and costumed by Jean-Paul Gaultier. It turns out that Nicole, who is wearing a cone bra, has fired everyone in the pep squad and replaced them with all these hot Latin guys who used to dance for Madonna. Carmen and Mary Cherry are horrified at how stiff the competition is.
Kennedy Hallway. Brooke calls Jamie from a payphone. Didn't these girls once have cell phones? Brooke tells him she's grounded and can't see him this weekend. She tries to laugh it off and talk about what a silly inconvenience it all is. Jamie is all, "That's okay, sometimes things happen for a reason." Brooke is all, what do you mean by that? Jamie is all, "Nothing definitive. It's just that this is all just getting complicated. Maybe we should cool it for a while." Brooke starts to freak out and pretends the line is dying so she can get off the phone gracefully before he actually goes through with dumping her ass. That's actually a really smart move -- something I've never been able to think of at the right time. Nicole comes along, still wearing the Night Porter outfit except now it's reminding me of Mr. Furley's outfits on Three's Company. Brooke confides in Nicole concerning the situation with Jamie. Nicole convinces her to skip tomorrow's game and sneak off to be with Jamie. They smile at each other devilishly. I miss the old Nicole and Brooke pairing.
The Presidential Office. Nicole gets April to write several checks for "Bring It" expenses. April asks how she can afford all this with only sixteen dollars in the school account. Nicole admits that she's wired in money from her own personal trust fund -- which I thought she couldn't get her hands on a couple of episodes ago when she wanted to support Shaggy Louise. April commends her for her commitment and asks if she should cut the Glamazons yet. Nicole advises her to wait. "There's only one decisive victory," she reminds April. "The last." The subject is subtly changed to April's happiness. April admits that she's having problems in her relationship with Emory Dick. Nicole probes further and April shows her a videotape of some of their sexcapades. It turns out that Emory likes April to dress up as Little Bo Peep and follow his orders. "Take off your bonnet," says Emory off-camera to a traumatized-looking April. "Do as I say? Continue to do as I say!" Nicole feigns sympathy but smirks to herself when she asks April who else has a copy of this potential politically damaging piece of evidence. April tells her that only Emory and her have copies. "Oh," says Nicole.
Jamie's dorm room. Brooke apologizes for not being able to stay long. Jamie complements Brooke on her deviousness at sneaking out to see him. They make out and there's a knock on the door. Jamie opens it, thinking it's one of his friends. It's Mike. He went to the game to apologize for being so hard on her and when she wasn't there, he tried Jamie's dorm room. "Say goodbye to my daughter," says Mike, taking Brooke home. "Because that is that last you'll ever see of her!" What? No Dylan McKay defiance? No stubborn Brenda Walsh-ness? What lame teens!
When Mike and Brooke get home, Sam and Jane are preparing dinner. Brooke enters and vents to them about how Mike just humiliated her. Mike enters after her and argues that she disobeyed him. Brooke argues that she's being oppressed. Oh God, please don't repeat last week! Mike points out that Amnesty International would hardly be interested in the fact that she's forbidden to date a twentysomething guy. "I love you, Dad, but you are power tripping!" says Brooke. Jane takes Brooke's side and advocates that they start trusting their daughters. "What do you think I'm going to do with this guy?" says Brooke. "Because you haven't asked me." The Casio mini-keyboard plays a few notes and Brooke exits, leaving Mike by himself, having a moment.
Harrison and Josh come to school as dueling Tony Mineros in white polyester three-piece suits. Montage sequence of Harrison and Josh each walking down the hall with a can of paint, checking out the ladies. For the record, Josh is much better at it than Harrison. In my opinion, Harrison is in way over his head. They file past Lily. "Boys!" she says to herself exasperatedly. April pops up to her and agrees that the Travolta club is much too male-dominated. She suggests that Lily enter the contest to become president. "Besides the Glamazons," says April, arguing toward her feminist sensibility. "Every club at this school has a male president." Funny, I thought Lily was president of "Kennedy Students Support GAYS & LESBIANS Club." Don't tell me she gave up the fight! Lily is concerned that she'll never be able to outdance Josh or Harrison. April reminds her that she's the judge of the contest. "I can't guarantee you'll win," she says. "But you will get extra points for not having a Y-chromosome." Or a brain in your head, for that matter.
Nicole comes to talk to Emory in an empty classroom where he has just given Harrison a dance lesson. She tells him that his girlfriend, April, is thinking of cutting his club after all. This incenses Emory and he vows to silence her once and for all. Nicole, who is on his side because all she wants is for April to cut the Glamazons, convinces him to use a skeleton in April's closet as leverage to change her mind instead. "Is there a photo or a video or something?" she asks innocently. Emory wracks his brain and then remembers the video they made. "There is something," he says. "But it could be embarrassing for me, too." "Oh Lord," says Nicole sincerely. "I would never let it get that far!"
The Novak. Carmen and Mary Cherry are recovering from last night's game. Apparently they both suffered injuries trying to compete with the "Liza lovers on steroids" that inhabit the new amazing Pep Squad. "Who can help us?" asks Mary Cherry, munching on a tube of cookie dough. Gus Latrine enters, offering his services to assist them in getting those "amped up action figures back to Janet Jackson's rehearsal hall where they belong." Carmen asks what he's got on April. Gus tells them that April is paying for "Bring It" out of school funds. Apparently the bank still calls him for verification. Mary Cherry wants to know why he's coming to them. Gus answers that he's been cooking the books himself so he doesn't want to get involved. "Tell us what to do, Latrine," says Mary Cherry.
The boys room. Harrison and Josh compete for mirror space in which to blow dry their Travolta coifs and try to psyche each other out for the dance contest. Lily enters wearing a white polyester three-piece. "The competition to be president of the Travolta club just got interesting," she says, slicking back her hair and adjusting the sock in her pants. I said, this better be going somewhere funny because female to male cross dressing hasn't been risqué for years.
The meat locker/April's office. Nicole buffs April's nails and gets her ready to say no to Emory Dick. Emory enters to beg for the life of the Travolta club. April, prompted by Nicole, says no. Emory threatens to make the Bo Peep tape public. "I will not be manipulated by you," says April. "Instead I will devote all my energy into destroying your universe. I will become a unimatrix of Emory Dick destruction!" Hee!
Jamie's dorm room. Sam is getting Brooke's stuff and wearing this shirt that looks like a chocolate brown kevlar vest with leather gauntlets. She begs Jamie not to give up on Brooke, who she claims really really likes him. Jamie says he understands where Mike is coming from and doesn't think it's a good idea to defy the wishes of the father of a teenaged girl. When Sam breaks this news to Brooke, she's so upset, she slams her bedroom door in Sam's face.
A few hours later, Mike stands outside Brooke's door, where lots of crying sounds are emanating from within. Jane, who has been in there with her, enters and tells Mike that he indeed succeeded in breaking them up. Mike feels regretful, especially when Jane is all, "It only took me a year and a half to forgive my father." She exits and Mike stands out in the hall all by himself listening to Brooke sobbing.
Krupps' office. April, wearing fuchsia gabardine and an Odetta-like headband and bolstered by the moral support of her advisor Nicole, demands that Krupps hand over the keys to the tanning salon and return the room to its original function as the student body president's office. Krupps turns her down and informs her that she's being impeached for posing nude for a video. "Principal Krupps, this is an outrage!" says a faux outraged Nicole. "Where's your proof?" Krupps hits the play on the VCR behind him and the Bo Peep video plays -- with Emory edited out of it and replaced by audio from the language lab. "Wait a cotton picking minute!" says April. "That's not Emory's voice! I was set up!" Krupps summons security to take her to juvenile hall. They drag her out as she vows vengeance on Emory Dick for trying to bring down her administration. Nicole swears that as de facto class president, she'll fight to clear her name. But in the meantime, she's got to put on a pink Chanel suit and get sworn in to the horror of most Kennedy students, especially Mary Cherry and Carmen. "That Winona may be a scrappy lady," says Mary Cherry, doing those fast and furious hand motions that we love so much, "but us Gwyneth's always come out on top!"
The dance off. Is the disco period just such a source of laughter that a dance montage sequence of really mediocre disco dancing by Josh, Harrison and Lily is just supposed to be a laugh in and of itself? No, it isn't. Nicole, since she's the judge instead of April now that she's class president, declares Josh to be the winner. I have to say that I totally agree with her decision. He was the best dancer. Of course Lily comes up to Nicole to protest. "Are you so consumed with your own power that you have forgotten about your soul sisters in the movement?" asks Lily. Instead of just informing Lily that her dancing, in fact, sucked, Nicole tells Lily that women who have true power never share it with other women. Mary Cherry and Carmen also try to ruin Nicole's moment. They confront her about the financial scandal that Gus Latrine uncovered. Unfortunately, though, Gus recants what he told them earlier, leaving Mary Cherry and Carmen suspended for making false accusations. Gus winks at Nicole. She winks back. It is then that Nicole announces which club she's cutting. "It begins with a 'G' and rhymes with Amazons," she says. She also cuts the Travolta club because she can.
Jane and Sam yet again make a meal. What is up with them being the official cooks of the palace? Brooke comes home and informs them that she won't be eating if Dad is going to be at the table. Enter Jamie. Brooke is shocked and asks him what he's doing there. "Actually," says Jamie. "I was invited." Brooke wants to know by whom. Mike enters and tells Brooke that since she'll be dating this guy, they ought to get to know him. Whatever.
One week later at the California State Penitentiary For Women -- Juvenile Division, April Tuna has adapted to prison life quite comfortably. Her hair has taken an Elvis turn and her new girlfriend Valentine is giving her a tattoo that says "I Hate Dick." Nicole knocks on the glass wall separating the visitors from the prisoners. April dismisses Valentine and turns her attention to her savior Nicole. Were you able to score the Count Chocula?" asks April. Nicole shakes her head no, betraying no expression whatsoever. She's wearing a black lace top, a black feathered boa at her throat and is made up within an inch of her life. April asks after the hit she put out on Emory. Nicole tells her that she cancelled it. "Why?" asks April. "Men are swine. Emory being the biggest piggy of all!" "He didn't set you up April," says Nicole. "I did." At first April thinks Nicole is joking and laughs hysterically while Nicole watches her and says nothing. Finally April gets it. "Yep," says Nicole. "I stole your little tape and got it to Krupps. I engineered the fall of the Glamazons. I got all my power back…and then some. And all at your expense. And ALL without once using sex." "But we're powerful women!" bleats April. "And powerful women stick together! You taught be that!" "From now on April, the only person I'm going to look out for is me," says Nicole. "Are you familiar with the 1974 Elton John song, 'The Bitch is Back'?" "Nicole Julian," says April Tuna, her voice trembling with disappointment and rage. "I swear, when I get out of here in two years, I'm gonna…model myself after you. You rock!" Nicole winks and the credits roll.
That's right. The Bitch is Back. May she rein forever and ever, dressed in the finest of linens and glittering with jewels. May the halls of Kennedy be filled with silver and gold and hung with the finest tapestries. May four year-old children dressed in tights and pointy shoes throw rose petals in her path while they sing her praises throughout the land. May a wild boar be stalked and killed in her honor and rotisseried in the town square. The Bitch is back, Lord Almighty, the bitch is back! Long live the bitch!