The Palace kitchen. Brooke and Sam with their zig-zag hairdos are unusually chummy with each other, bonding over their periods and comparing how much water they’re each retaining. Sam pulls a bottle of "Lady Time" out of her bag, an herbal remedy to help ease the mood swings caused by ovulation that she bought when she went shopping with Lily for "cruelty-free eyeliner." She hands it to Brooke and pours herself a product-placement glass of Minute Maid orange juice. "Hey," says Brooke, all touched by Sam’s gift. "Is it me or has the whole hatred thing between our two groups reached an all-time high?" The girls agree that they need to bring an end to all the fighting. "You know actually," says Brooke as Leave It To Beaver music plays in the background. "I think that if we got them all into one room and communicated. We could all be friends. Don’t you think?" Flash forward to twelve hours later in the Novak: Lily is strangling Mary Cherry and calling her a total liar while Nicole watches, smirking. Brooke pulls Lily off of Mary Cherry and asks Sam if there’s any "Lady Time" left. "Oh my god," says Sam. "We’re out. Thanks, Brooke, you hog!" Brooke bitch-slaps Sam and starts pulling her hair. "Oh my god, this is how it ends!" whimpers Lily. "Trapped in this hell-hole restroom. Out of food. Out of oxygen!" "We’re all going to die in here," says a disheveled Mary Cherry.
Credits.
Nine hours earlier, "Ethel" Kennedy High. Wow, I didn’t realize that Kennedy High had a Feminist Studies class that had only six students, namely Sam, Brooke, Mary Cherry, Lily, Carmen, and Nicole. What an amazing education these ladies are getting. Teaching this class is a new teacher whose name is Mr. Bennett. Mr. Bennett is played by Mitchell Anderson, an actor with amazing range. Until I saw the credits I had no idea that the openly gay feminist-studies teacher with a Frankenstein-shaped head on Popular was the very same actor who played Ross Workman, the openly gay violin teacher with a Frankenstein-shaped head, on Party of Five. Anyway, today’s class is all about Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, which as we all know is about a woman in a Puritan community who had to wear a big red "A" on her chest for committing adultery. "Hey Carm," says Nicole. "I think you should sew a great big ‘L’ on your chest, you know, for ‘Loser.’" Sam buries her face in her arms and Mr. Bennett looks uncomfortable with all the tension between all six girls. "Mr. Bennett," says Mary Cherry, wrapped in a fur coat. "Do I have to sit to her? She stinks." "No," says Lily, "you are the one who smells -- like road kill." Brooke and Sam exchange looks as if to say, "What were we thinking earlier?" Mr. Bennett calls for order and urges all the girls put themselves in Hester Prynne’s clogs and imagine having a shameful secret. Actually, Mr. Bennett, Hester didn’t really have a shameful secret. You see, the whole town knew she was an adulteress because she had to stand around in public with a scarlet A on her chest for adulteress. But hey, that’s not the point. The point is that all the girls have shameful secrets and that’s the theme of tonight’s episode.
Sam sees Hester Prynne standing at the front of the room, waving at her. Sam, a little crystal meth can be fun every now and then, but when you do it for six straight days and you get no sleep, you’re going to run into some scary hallucinations. Mr. Bennett explains that he feels passionate about The Scarlet Letter because had a shameful secret, "but I’m glad to say I came out of the closet five years ago and I’m doing much better." Thanks, Mr. Bennett. It’s so inspiring to see someone who is so comfortable with their sexuality that they can come out to room full of high-school girls on the very first day of class. Mary Cherry’s hand shoots up. "Mr. Bennett, let me just say on the record that I love the gays." "Thanks, Mary Cherry," says Mr. Bennett. "We love you too." Mary Cherry is all giddy and gives Mr. Bennett the thumbs-up sign. Sure, this was a nice little comedic exchange, but what really happened here was a meta-dialogue between the gay male community and all the wild and well-dressed teen-aged girls who inhabit our lives either as our nieces, our -door neighbors whose parents want us to baby-sit them because we’re "safe," or characters in the movies we love like Clueless or Heathers. In turn, these chic little girls see gay men as their mentors, either as hair stylists, last-minute well-dressed dates to the prom, sources for Special K and ecstasy, or simply as friends to turn to for superior advice on oral sex. ["GOD, Gustave, that conversation was supposed to be CONFIDENTIAL!" -- Sars] Or maybe it’s a meta-dialogue between the thirty-ish gay male writers and producers of Popular and the teenage girls who watch the show. The girls love the gay men who write and produce Popular because they’ve created a show where they get all the good lines and the men take a back seat to them. The Popular creators love these girls back because they tune into Popular and buy the products from the companies who sponsor the show thus keeping them employed. There’s a Bennington senior thesis here somewhere.
Major plot contrivance: Mr. Bennett passes out sheets of paper and makes the girls write down their most scandalous confidence without signing their names so they can imagine being held captive by a shameful secret. The point is that they will feel empathy for Hester Prynne. Like idiots, the girls actually write down their secrets, and at the end of the class, they throw them away in the trash bin without tearing them up or anything. Is anyone surprised that Nicole goes back and steals them out of the trash? Just checking.
Harrison sidles up to Lily and Carmen at their lockers. He asks how the new feminist lit class is going. It’s a new class? Don’t you have to wait until the beginning of a semester to have a new class? Lily goes off on a premenstrual rant about how much she hates Mary Cherry. Carmen goes off on a premenstrual rant about how much she hates Nicole because, get this, Nicole is being mean to her because she quit the Glamazons. Um, Carmen? Nicole has been mean to you since the season began; pay attention. Lily has a cramp and Carmen puts her through a breathing exercise. "I hate men," says Carmen for no reason while looking at Harrison. Harrison stares at his two friends, and before his eyes they turn into shrieking demons. When he snaps out of his fantasy, the girls are acting as sweet as pie and they walk off to their class. "I have got to start hanging out with guys at least one week a month."
Meanwhile, a similar situation is unfolding on the Blonde side of the hallway. Nicole and Mary Cherry are having a talk about how tender they each feel in front of Josh and Sugar Daddy. Nicole snaps at Josh, "What are you looking at?" "Is that chocolate on your breath?" Mary Cherry asks Sugar Daddy. "Are you trying to humiliate me because you know I’m cravin’ it? ANSWER ME!!" She bursts into tears. "Nice going," says Nicole to the boys as she comforts Mary Cherry. Before Josh and SD’s eyes, the girls turn into shrieking demons with horns. All of a sudden Wild Kingdom-type music starts playing and we see the Blondes and the Browns screeching at each other like wild beasts as the Browns pass by in the hall. They snap out of it quickly and turn sweet as pie again. "See you at lunch," says Mary Cherry as Nicole pats Sugar Daddy affectionately. They exit.
The cafeteria. Harrison comes over to Sugar Daddy and Josh and asks if he can sit with them, due to the fact that all his friends are menstruating. Sugar Daddy tells Harrison that he and Josh are also suffering. Sam and Brooke approach the table, sit down, and sweetly accuse the boys of avoiding them because they’re scared of them while they’re menstruating. The girls smugly decide to prove the sexist boys wrong and enjoy a nice peaceful lunch period. The peace ends in an instant. "Is that my bracelet?" Brooke asks Sam. Brooke freaks because it was her mother’s bracelet and Sam took it without asking. Brooke is out of control with rage. "Dear mother of God, please make it stop!" prays Sugar Daddy. The fight escalates as Sam and Brooke start quoting each other’s diary to each other. "What did she do now?" asks Nicole as she sits down at the table with Mary Cherry. Lily and Carmen sit down at the table too, and Lily starts in on Mary Cherry’s fur. Nicole accuses Carmen of not conditioning her hair enough, so Carmen slaps her, which is really weird because of all the things that Nicole has ever said to Carmen, noting the fact that she doesn’t use a leave-in conditioner was probably the least offensive. Furthermore, Carmen’s hair always looks over-conditioned to me. Nicole slaps Carmen back. "Good for you," says Mary Cherry. Lily slaps Mary Cherry. "That’s it," says Mary Cherry, pounding the table and standing up. "It’s time to rumble!" "Three o’clock?" suggests Carmen. "THE PARKING LOT!" says Nicole. Mary Cherry warns everybody that she knows Tae-Bo, and Sam and Brooke put up their dukes against each other. "I bet you fight like a girl," says Sam. Brooke goes ape-shit and has to be restrained by Nicole. The three Browns and the three Blondes exit the table in separate directions while the boys look on in horror. "They’re gonna kill each other," says Josh. I’d like to add that Brooke actually looks kinda tough in this scene and it’s a fetching look for her.
Bio’s empty classroom. The boys approach Bio with a question about women’s menstrual cycles. "Yes," answers Bio before hearing the whole question, "they’re capable of murder and other unspeakable acts of horror. question?" When the boys ask for more details, Bio tells them all about the behavior of Madagascar fire ants who ovulate on the same day and then tear each other limb from limb. Because the boys are still not convinced, Bio hands them her own personal copy of a documentary about Madagascar fire ants. "Enjoy!" she says. Harrison asks her if there’s anyway to stop the Madagascar lady ants from killing each other. "No," says Bio. "Nature has to run its course."
At 2:55 PM, right by Mary Cherry’s locker, Nicole and Brooke gather with Mary Cherry to get ready for the big rumble. Mary Cherry growls, "Girls, it’s time to kick some unpopular ass and take some prisoners." Mary Cherry, I see your point, but shouldn’t the line be "take no prisoners?" Brooke says she’s all out of talk. Mary Cherry tells the girls that she skipped a class and went out and bought them matching candy-apple-red leather girl-gang jackets and had her personal tailor Eduardo stitch their names on the back "for style-slash-unity purposes." Brooke is "Chola #1," Nicole is "Chola #2," and Mary Cherry is "Chola #3." They sling their jackets over their shoulders, which makes all three of them look adorable, especially with their newfound tough-girl stance. "Girls," says Nicole. "It’s time to ladle up a big steaming cup of whoopass ," and they walk off toward the parking lot.
"In the words of Public Enemy," says Sam to Carmen and Lily at her locker, "it’s time to fight the power." Sam, give it up. You were nine when that song was released. "Those bitches are going down." They head towards the parking lot, but they don’t have any cool outfits and they don’t look half as tough as the Blondes. Lily looks like you could pick her up with one hand and throw her across the hall, and Carmen looks like an orphan extra in Oliver. Missy "Misdemeanor" Eliot’s "She’s A Bitch" plays while the two girl gangs are shown walking towards the parking lot from opposite directions. The Blondes crack their knuckles and are carrying purses. The Browns slam their fists into their palms. Harrison appears in front of the Browns. "Out of our way, Gilligan," says Sam, which was a really funny line. Harrison tells the Browns that the Blondes want to apologize and call a truce. He tells them to meet the Blondes in the ladies room. They arrive in the Novak and find that the Blondes assume that the Browns are going to apologize. "They tricked us, no doubt to foster a healing conversation." says Nicole. As they head out towards the parking lot once again, they find they can’t leave the Novak because the boys locked them in. "Oh my God, y’all," says Mary Cherry. "We’re caged!"
4:15 PM. Lily asks the blondes to check their cell phones again, and obviously someone writing the script hasn’t grasped the concept that, in the many years since Clueless, cell phones got way cheaper and now everyone has one, not just the rich girls. The cell-phone batteries are dead. The girls start to bicker, and Lily worries about hunger and oxygen deprivation. Carmen has a claustrophobic attack. Mary Cherry is predicting that they’re all going to end up like the Chilean soccer players in Alive and start eating each other. Nicole says that if she’s eating anyone she’s going to need a lot of Tabasco, "which we don’t have." Mary Cherry produces a bottle of Tabasco from her bottomless purse and starts looking hungrily at Carmen. "Oh my god!" says Carmen, and the Browns rush to her side and start protecting her with sofa cushions while she whimpers in fear. Brooke takes charge of the situation and asks if anyone has any food on them. Lily has a breath mint; Mary Cherry starts beating her up for it. Sam pulls Mary Cherry off of Lily and Brooke hands everyone a Lady Time. They try digging their way out with the shovel that Mary Cherry also has in her purse, but the floor is solid concrete.
In Bio’s empty classroom, the boys watch the tape that Bio gave them while they discuss whether they did the right thing by locking the girls up together. "I can’t believe Miss Glass watches this stuff," says Josh. "She must be the most boring woman-man on the planet." All of a sudden, the tape goes staticky and Bio appears on the TV screen decked out in dominatrix regalia, plus her usual lab coat. "I’m Veronica Pain. And you are watching Pain TV!" The boys chuckle at what they’ve found. Bio enters the classroom and sees what they’re watching.
Back in the Novak, Mary Cherry has spelled out "Help Me" in tampons on the floor. When Sam asks her what she’s doing, Mary Cherry explains that if a government spy plane with x-ray vision flies overhead, they’ll be saved. "Otherwise," she says, freaking out, "we’re gonna die in here!" "The only thing we’re going to die of in here is boredom," says Lily. Carmen suggests a game of truth or dare. Nicole suggests just a game of truth and reveals to all that she has the Hester Prynne secrets in her bag. Lily is horrified, but Mary Cherry proclaims that this is a reason to go on living. Nicole argues that since they’re all going to die in there, they might as well go down with clear consciences. As the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire theme plays, Nicole writes the secrets in lipstick on the mirror. The secrets are as follows:
"They call me quack"
"I’ve questioned my sexuality"
"I did it again"
"I made out with Josh Ford"
"I’m dating Josh Ford"
"I went shopping with Gwyneth"
"Who is brave enough to admit, ‘They call me quack’?" says Nicole. "Step forward and face the music." After a few moments of silence, Mary Cherry stands up. "Okay, I admit it. My scarlet letter is D, D for duck." As she announces her secret, the lights dim and all of a sudden she is wearing Hester Prynne garb and a giant D on her chest while harpsichord music plays. She reveals through a flashback that she has webbed hands and feet as well, due to too much inbreeding in her family, and had to have her hands operated on in Switzerland. It’s also worth noting that Delta Burke reappears as her mother. Mary Cherry’s feet remain webbed, though, and she shows them to the horrified girls, making Lily run to a stall and throw up. "Okay then," says Nicole, chuckling to herself. "Moving on." She asks who has the secret, "I’ve questioned my sexuality." Nicole suspects Sam: "I saw you wearing flannel just yesterday." "Leave her alone," says Lily, emerging from the stall. "It was me."
"My Scarlet Letter is C. C for confused," says Lily as the lights dim and Lily wears a "C" on her Hester Prynne outfit. Through flashback, it is revealed that Lily made out with Carmen after she didn’t have sex with Harrison, and she’s confused about her sexuality. Back in the present, Lily says that the kiss was innocent and didn’t go any further, and that she finds herself attracted to men these days although she’s still not sure what she is. "I have to say, I’ve thought about it," says Brooke. Nicole gives her a big ol’ wink as though she thinks Brooke is just being nice. Carmen is furious that Lily revealed a secret that was Carmen’s as well and walks away from Lily, calling her "trout mouth." "I know what I want," says Carmen. "And it’s certainly not women." Yeah, we know what you want Carmen: Food, a spot on the cheerleading squad, and chance to be Brooke McQueen’s best friend. Sam gets all pissy that Lily and Carmen had this whole sexual thing going on and didn’t tell her. Lily explains that since Sam is waging war against Brooke, she hasn’t been all that available. "Wait," says Nicole, cutting in. "Back to the lesbian part. Were there tongues involved here?" Sam goes on and on about feeling betrayed. "How did this become about you?" asks Lily. Never thought I’d never say this, but right on, Lily!
Bio also feels betrayed. She has tied up the boys in the biology room and is interrogating them about where they got the tape. "Miss Glass, we told you! You gave us the tape," says Josh, explaining that it was the Madagascar Fire Ant documentary. Bio accuses them of lying and being out to get her. "You think I’m a sick joke," says Bio. "I feel too, you know. I may have the shoes of a man but I cry like a little girl." Harrison promises not to tell a soul if she’ll just let them go. "I trust no one." Bio thinks about what to do.
Back in the Novak, Sam exits a stall and finds that Carmen and Lily, still fuming over her self-centeredness, have gotten cozy with the Blondes. Brooke is giving Lily a manicure and Carmen is French-braiding Mary Cherry’s hair. "You know, Brooke, " says Lily. "I’m starting to see your side in this. It must be really difficult to live with someone who is completely self-absorbed." "It is," says Brooke. Nicole points out to Sam that the Brown’s secrets have polarized their group. "Maybe that means that the grass is less judge-y, on our side of the fence." They move on to the secret: "I did it again." Brooke ’fesses up. Her scarlet letter is R, R for Rebound. A flashback reveals that she got together with Josh after the Sadie Hawkins dance. Josh thought he and Brooke were getting back together and Brooke freaked out. "What night did you say this happened again?" asks Sam.
Back in Bio’s classroom prison, Bio explains how she got into the sordid world of bondage and domination. "My letter is L. L for Lonely Lady." A flashback reveals how she met Godfrey of Mr. Cluck, Clinique counter, and DMV fame at a salad bar called Croutons. Godfrey tempts her with a cherry tomato. "I was but a fly. And he was both spider and web." He leaves a red latex glove to her salad plate as his calling card. "At first we cuddled and watched the Discovery Channel." But soon their relationship deteriorated into loveless perversion, i.e. Bio forcing him to polish her silver. She tried to break away, but he threatened to reveal her to the school board and get her fired. Back in the present, Bio apologizes for putting the boys through all this as she gazes mournfully out the window at the rain. Godfrey enters the room. "Daddy’s home," he says.
Sam’s secret turns out to be "I made out with Josh Ford." "I don’t believe you," says Brooke. "My scarlet letter is B, B for Betrayer." A flashback reveals that Josh went downstairs after getting dumped again by Brooke and made out with Sam, but Sam stopped things because she didn’t want to hurt Brooke. Back in the present, Brooke thanks Sam for not crossing the line. Mary Cherry calls Josh a gigolo. Lily argues that Josh was probably just in a lot of pain. Brooke looks at the mirror and wants to know whose secret is "I’m dating Josh Ford." Since Carmen and Nicole are the only ones left, Mary Cherry assumes it’s Nicole and starts bitching her out. Carmen comes forward and reveals that she’s the one who’s dating Josh Ford. "My scarlet letter is U, U for Unworthy." A flashback reveals that Josh and Carmen got together when they took a public speaking class together. They bond over the fact that "people don’t get us." Whatever. Josh asks Carmen out on a date. Back in the present, Brooke asks Carmen when the date was. Carmen says that it’s supposed to be that night at eight. Nicole accuses Carmen of lying and points out that if Josh really wanted to date Carmen, why would he lock her in the Novak? Nicole moves on to the final secret, which is hers: "I went shopping with Gwyneth." Mary Cherry is disappointed that her secret is so much less sexy than Nicole’s. Carmen tells Nicole that she’s the one who’s lying. "I repeat," says Nicole, "I went shopping with Gwyneth. I bumped into her at Jimmy Chu’s and we fought over the last slingback, and I said, ‘Take it, hon.’ I saw Hush last night. Consider it a gesture of pity." Carmen laughs and reminds Nicole that Josh talks to her. With a surprising amount of cojones, considering of course that this is Carmen, she tells Nicole that she has two choices: she can either reveal her secret, or Carmen will do it for her. "Okay," says Nicole. "I slept with Josh." Every jaw in the Novak drops.
Back in Bio’s room, Bio is tied up with the boys while Godfrey tries to sell them over the phone as white slaves. Bio breaks free of her ropes, frees the other boys, and sends Josh out for help. "You’re going down," she says to Godfrey.
As Josh runs down the hall, Nicole is revealing her secret. "My scarlet letter is J, J for Jealous, thank you." A flashback reveals that Nicole slept with an emotionally vulnerable Josh right after Brooke dumped him, because she was jealous of Brooke and resented always being number two. Brooke is enraged. Nicole taunts Brooke by telling her that Josh was good. Brooke and Nicole go at each other. Lily breaks it up and suggests that they focus on the real cause of all this anger: Josh himself. Just then, Josh bursts into the Novak and tells the girls that he needs their help. "Oh yeah?" says Brooke. "Well, we need some answers." Josh looks around the room and realizes he’s doomed. Um, Josh, if you had done most of the girls in this room, did you ever consider that it might not be a good idea to, say, lock them up for a few hours together, thereby allowing them to talk for a very long time? Women tell each other everything, Josh. Hasn’t your mother, a.k.a. your best friend, taught you that?
Harrison and Sugar Daddy have Godfrey restrained. Bio tells them to let him go. She’s tired of hiding and tells Godfrey to go ahead and show the tapes to the school board. Seeing Bio so unfazed by a possible scandal, Godfrey decides it wouldn’t be that fun to ruin Bio if she’s not playing along, so he leaves, reminding her that they’ll "always have Croutons." Bio gives the boys As for the semester in exchange for their silence. Harrison and Sugar are psyched, but wonder where Josh could be.
Josh has barricaded himself into a Novak stall while the girls all try to get at him. "I didn’t mean to be such a ho," he pleads. Carmen tells the girls to stop it and leave him alone. Mary Cherry tells Carmen to stop defending him: "You’re not the only one who’s nibbled off that tired old Snackwell." Lily asks Mary Cherry what she’s talking about. Mary Cherry reveals another secret. She had sex with Josh and Harrison at the same time. "I’m not like that," says Josh, although the closed captioning reads "we’re not homos." Mary Cherry goes on to explain that Lily joined in too. Lily jumps on Mary Cherry and starts attacking her. "Stop tryin’ ta kiss me, L’il Lily!" says Mary Cherry, who actually seems to enjoy being attacked by Lily an awful lot. Brooke pulls Lily off of MC, and Lily does this weird crab-like motion with her arms and legs, making me think that Tamara Mello watched a lot of Laverne and Shirley reruns growing up and uses the show as inspiration for her own special brand of physical comedy. The flash-forward scene that played before the credits plays again: Brooke and Sam fight over Lady Time, Lily imagines dying in the Novak, et cetera. Harrison enters. The girls surround him and trap him in another stall. Sam stops the girls from hurting Harrison and reminds them that the door to the Novak is now open. The girls beam euphorically over their newfound freedom (and in fact the George Michael song "Freedom" starts playing). "Y’all? Call me crazy," says Mary Cherry, all sweetness and light, "but I don’t want to go. I just feel so safe with y’all." She thanks Harrison/Joe for making their "Lady Time" possible. Sam hands Brooke her bracelet back. Brooke proposes that they all go out for pizza. "Forget the slices," says Mary Cherry, taking Lily’s arm seductively. "Let’s head on over to Croutons. They’ve got an ambrosia salad I’d kill for." They walk out together, and Carmen follows them eagerly, calling out to Josh as she leaves that she’s canceling their date. Sam and Brooke reflect on their foresight earlier when they predicted that they’d all get along if they could just get into a room together and talk. Sam leaves, and Brooke turns to face Nicole. "I never want to talk to you again," she says, and she joins Sam. Nicole covers up whatever she may be feeling at losing Brooke with her trademark smirk and, as the last of the girls to leave, locks the door on Josh and Harrison. The boys holler for someone to let them out as the credits roll.