After that tense exchange with the mutinous Poppy, Smug Bitch understandably needs to take a leak, and heads straight to the Kim Novak ladies lounge. There she finds, not solace, but another mutinous Blonde. Thats right: Mary Cherry, in a simply hideous blue evening gown, courtesy of Bob Mackie. Bob Mackie should be tarred and feathered for the fashion crimes he has committed. Mary Cherry, bless her Texas heart, is standing in front of the mirror, practicing her pageant wave (you know, that one from the wrist). Anyway, SB has had quite enough of this nonsense and orders Mary Cherry to "march right down to the principals office and withdraw from this race." BAM! The bathroom stall swings open and out comes Cherry Cherry (nothing says "high class" like making your entrance from a crapper stall, eh, Delta?) in a full-length pink fur coat. Ennio Morricone-esque showdown music cranks up, and Cherry Cherry and Smug Bitch swap a few words. The upshot is that Cherry Cherry is throwing a whole bunch of money at this thing, and that Brooke McQueen better watch out. The two Cherrys snit away, with Mary Cherry making little faces at Smug Bitch. Unable to pee after this latest development, Smug Bitch also leaves the girls room in a snit.
But, oh! What else can go wrong on this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day for Smug Bitch? Well, Ill tell ya. She can walk out of the bathroom, too tense to pee, after two confrontations with her unruly foot soldiers, only to discover that the halls of Kennedy High have been plastered with tinsel and flashing signs, plus full-size glossy posters of Mary Cherry leering from every corner. Bummer, eh? I guess theres nothing to do but have a campaign war. Wacky fast-forward action ensues, all the contestants putting up posters, then that nutty MC (still in her abominable dress) running around and scribbling in armpit hair and beards on the other contestants posters with a black magic marker. Hee. Poppys got a piata at her table, but Mary Cherry is giving away a new car! Oh, yeah. "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge blares throughout, adding to the kooky carnival atmosphere.
And cut to my favorite folks, the highly esteemed and deeply freaky members of the Chess Club. Its time for the meet n greets that April Tuna mentioned way back in the early part of the show. Freddie Gong, all business, says, "Tell us succinctly, with no bull, why we should vote for you for Homecoming Queen." In a rather brilliant shot, Carmen and Sam sit on the other side of a field of chess pieces, looking for all the world as if they are sitting on the other side of a hedge from the Chess Club hard-asses. Nice work, film people. Ooh, an even better shot, a side one of the two Browns and the CC members facing each other across the table. Man, those chess pieces are huge! This is so cool. Carmen blathers some crap about being a good representative of the people, and being sincere, caring, a lusty gal with an appetite for Gummi worms. The CC will have none of this nonsense. April Tuna quickly asks the question that really matters: "What does Brooke McQueen look like nudie?" May Tuna cackles with glee, just like me. I wish I could get my hair to do that kind of free-form sculpture thing. And on to the candidate, please! Mary Cherry gives them each $100. Poppy and Lady T try to tell them that they are all victims of prejudice, which works until Lady T spies May Tuna scarfing kitty litter out of a Tupperware: "Girl, you eating kitty litter?!" Hee hee hee! I love this show. Wait. I cant believe I just said that. Dont let it get around, okay? ["Me too." -- Sa - uh, "a friend"] Brooke is the last candidate to come before the committee. Oooh. Wacky music stops. Brooke goes on and on about herself, telling them how loyal and kind and loving she is, when Freddie asks the big stumper: "Brooke, whats my name?" She looks utterly put on the spot (oh, right. Because she is) and it becomes instantly apparent that she has no idea what our sweet Freddies name is. He gives her a big ol ugly speech about how theyve been in the same classes since the third grade, and how shes never even said "hi" to him. Ouch. She has the grace to look ashamed, but, since thats what she does every show, I find myself unable to have any sympathy for her at all. Or interest in her, really. Thankfully, Mary Cherry is around to offer some comic relief. Shes been spying on the whole thing, see, and smiles dementedly when Freddie delivers his big speech.
Cut to Sam, relaxing in a nice, hot bubble bath. I dont know that the bath is hot, actually. For all I know it could be ice-cold. Television is amazing that way, isnt it? Anyway, Sam is in the tub with the headphones on, looking like every girl-lover watching this show would want her to look (but with way too many bubbles). Brooke busts in and demands that Sam get out of the tub. Sam, of course, is as snotty as she can possibly be. I actually feel kind of bad for Brooke here. Anyway. Brooke remarks that shes surprised that Sam hasnt run some mean-spirited editorial to disqualify her from the Homecoming Queen race; Sam replies that shes trying to change, to maintain a positive attitude from now on. I hear Foreshadowings delicate step creaking on the floorboards behind me, but I cant quite make out what hes saying. Brooke throws a temper tantrum, and Sam remains smugly in the tub. Because shes an asshole.
day, Smug Bitch and Brooke walk into school, Brooke complaining about how lame Sam is. "At least it couldnt get any worse," she says, apparently forgetting that those words always trigger cosmically bad events. Of course, just to prove that Im right (thanks, God), something nasty is waiting just around the corner. Bam! The hallway is plastered with giant posters: "Brooke McQueen, The Queen Who Forgot Your Name." The picture is the Brooke-sick picture that fell out of Sams notebook just a few TV days ago (surprise! Not). Everyone thinks that Sam did it, because Sams an asshole. Even Carmen thinks Sam did it. Now Sams in the doghouse with everyone. Again. I wonder if theyll patch it up by the end of the show? Okay, I dont wonder that at all. Not really.
In the lunchroom, Smug Bitch and Josh sit around listening to Brooke rag on herself for not knowing peoples names. Smug Bitch: "Um, lets not use the plural here. You didnt know Freddie Gongs name because hes a loser." Thanks, SB. We can always trust you not to put too fine a point on things. Josh blows a bunch of smoke up Brookes ass about how shes even foxy when shes sick or something. Brooke, though, cant just say thanks, but instead has to go on and on about how the poster is right, about how nobody at school has ever seen her be real until this picture was papered all over the walls blah blah blah, Freddie Gong is a real person with real feelings blah blah blah. Like shes having some sort of "epiphany" or "realization about her character" or something like that. Mmm hmm. Right. Meanwhile, at the Powerful Ladies of Color table, Lady T and Poppy are trying to win Little Big Head over to their side. But the camera shifts to sad Carmen sitting with Sometimes-You-Feel-Like-A-Blue-Streak-Sometimes-You-Dont (a.k.a. Harrison), and we know that Poppy is going to have a hard time convincing LBH to vote for anyone but a fellow Brown. And isnt Ferrera a kind of Latin-y name, anyway? Carmen certainly counts as the fat minority. Because she is. Fat, that is. Dont forget. While LBH is considering defecting, Sam approaches the Brown table, but gets roundly bagged on by Harrison and Carmen for being so lame. Neither one of them believes her, and Carmen fires Sam as her campaign manager. Oooh. Then the Brown team performs a tandem snit worthy of the Olympics, leaving Sam standing all alone in the cafeteria. Aw. Sucks to be you, huh, Sam?
Night of the big game. Cherry Cherry sits to the Jane-Mike unit, wearing an insanely expensive fur coat. April and May are wearing matching dresses; May grazes on her corsage. Mmmm, love. Little Big Head and Lady T sit together, but LBH cant help praying out loud for Carmen to win. Lady T takes it pretty well, all things considered. Ew -- Jane and Mike have a weird exchange in which they cant seem to agree whether Jane should consider Brooke her daughter or not. (Hint: not.) Cut to Sam, sitting all alone in the top bleacher and looking as gothic as you please, all in black with a striking yellow mum in her hand. And so morose. Damn. If shes not careful, it looks like some sensitive, reflective poetry might come spilling out of her mouth, which is strangely closed for once. Anyway. Down on the field, Smug Bitch gets to emcee the Homecoming Queen part of the game, and strides up to the microphone like the saucy little Leo that she is. O. Mi. God. Whats the Hell is up with her hair?! Spiky, yet gummy. Styled, yet strangely disastrous. O, Smug Bitch, what hast thou done? She does look great in that leopard coat, and somehow manages to get the entire student body to shout its approval of it, too. That little minx. Shes a spitfire, for sure. One by one she announces the contestants, who drive up in convertibles and line themselves up like the cattle, I mean, princesses that they are. Aw, yeah. Mary Cherry in full effect. When MC alights from her carriage, she pauses a moment to turn on her dress (yep, you read it right the first time, dont make me repeat it), which is festooned with little lights. Yay! Makes me proud to be a Texan. (You know we all have light-up clothes down here in the Lone Star State. Its considered tacky to go out without them.) SB lets the requisite amount of time pass between getting the Envelope and actually announcing the Queen, which is just enough time for Carmen to make a quick aside to the camera. "This is the part where I win, right? Right." But, no. Its Brooke! Yay! Surprise! Not really! Carmen and Brooke exchange a few Meaningful Looks, then Brookes sick-picture falls out of Mary Cherrys handbag? Okay, lets take this one slow: first, why would a Homecoming Queen nominee have a handbag with her at the ceremony? Second, why would that piece of damning evidence be sitting just right on top like that? Anyway. I mean, whatever. Brooke, Mike, and Jane all look in horror up to the spot on the bleachers where Sam was sitting, but they cant see her because her black clothes make her invisible. Or shes already gone, one of the two.