Well, well, well. And you wondered where I’d gone. You thought to yourselves, "Perhaps amorgan’s abandoned us. Perhaps she’s dead. Perhaps we’ll inherit her vinyl copy of Cheap Trick’s In Color." Well, think again, kids. Amorgan’s back, and she’s ready to recap. Mua-ha-ha-ha. Ahem. Anyway. Last episode on Popular, there was a food fight. But who cares about the past? Let’s look to the future.
This episode opens with squabbling. Duh. Jane and Sam are moving into the Palace with Brooke and Mike, and, hoo, it’s sure not easy. Brooke hates Sam’s lamp, Jane moves the coffee cups to the coffee pot, it’s all mayhem and hijinks. Oh, and the sink. They fight about who’s going to get the right-hand sink in this mysteriously double-sinked bathroom. I wish my bathroom had two sinks. That’s cool. Sam barges in and starts moving all of Brooke’s shit around and going through Brooke’s expensive toiletries. Damn, rude much? It’s the liberal upbringing, I tell you. Oh, yeah. And Brooke has monogrammed towels. Both bath towels and hand towels. Demarcation line of electrical tape is laid out in the bathroom. Oh, who, oh, who is going to get the right sink? I’m going to be on pins and needles the whole show.
Mmm. Tacky credits. Dumb commercials. Blah, blah, blah.
Smug Bitch blows smoke up Principal Hall’s ass about how glad she is to have received such a stern moral lesson last episode. She’s waving a hammer around, which is delightfully spooky. Oh, it’s not to kill anyone, though, it’s just to smash open the lock of the Barbie-pink hopper full of Homecoming Queen nominations. SB pulls out lots of pieces of paper with rude messages on them, but tells the principal that they’re actually Homecoming Queen candidates. So, she rigs it, is the point here. All the Blondes, plus Carmen (the Carmen nomination is a great joke, get it?). Segue into the most wonderful nomination sequence on television, with the Miss America theme song playing, and a beautiful tiara placed on each girl’s head. My favorite is Mary Cherry, because she’s got the runny mascara.
And, oh my God, cut to the most insane-looking girl in the entire world, leaving a message on Freddie Gong’s answering machine. April Tuna, vice-president of the Chess Club? I think I’m in love. Dude, what’s up with her hair? She tells Freddie that she and her sister, May, have scheduled "meet ‘n’ greets" with all the Homecoming nominees, but doesn’t get much farther than that -- because Mary Cherry shoves her out of the way so she can call her mom, DELTA BURKE!! WOW! Mrs. Cherry (first name: Cherry) would give J.R. Ewing a hard-on so stiff he could drive a nail through a board. Hee hee. She’s even got little model oil wells on her desk. Wow. And may I take this moment to say that ol’ Delta is looking just as svelte and glamorous as can be? Oh, and double wow, as she tells MC that she’d better not be "calling from the hot house, picked up for shoplifting again." HA! Ooohhh. Homicidal Texan pageant contestants from days past are invoked, as MC tells her mom that she’ll do "ennything" to get that crown. Yay! I love a good pageant murder. Maybe she’ll kill Brooke and make this show much more interesting.
Cut to the lunchroom. Mary Cherry and Poppy are getting all worked up about campaigning, but Smug Bitch scolds them roundly for daring to compete with Brooke. I think her friendship with Brooke is sweet. But really, really weird. Anyway, of course the other Blondes don’t care for this one bit, but meekly agree, with treachery in their hearts. Brooke sits down with them on the heels of this conversation, and SB tells Brooke that the other Blondes are going to vote for Brooke. Hmmm, do I smell trouble brewing?
At the Browns’ table, Carmen crows over her nomination. Little Big Head (whose head is seeming less and less large these days, much to my consternation) asks Carmen what it felt like to hear her name on the intercom. Carmen is taking it all very seriously, and describes it in lurid detail. Of course, Sam goes and rains all over Carmen’s parade like the big bag of downers that she is, telling her that she has no chance of winning against Brooke. Snit, snit, snit, Carmen snits away. The Browns feel badly about the snit, but agree that Carmen, indeed, has no chance. As do I. Because she’s fat. Fat as a pregnant elephant rolling in a bucket of lard and bacon grease. Remember?
Ohh, parents can be so cruel. Jane and Mike are forcing the girls to sit through a slide show of family photos, so they can "share each other’s family histories." That is such a bad idea, guys. Really. The girls exchange snarky words, Sam sees a picture of Brooke being sick, and, ooops! Someone seems to have loaded the slide carousel with pictures of Jane and her late husband, a.k.a. Sam’s dad. I wonder what mischievous little sprite did that? Now nobody is happy, and the evening ends badly. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, family slide shows are a terrible idea. Always. Brooke tries to lighten the mood by announcing her Homecoming Queen nomination. Mike and Jane coo over her, and Jane totally overcompensates for Sam the Asshole by gushing about how fun it will be to make posters together, and go to the game together. Um, right, Jane. High school football is about as fun as oral surgery. ["So is watching your mother fawn over her boyfriend’s daughter. I’m beginning to see where Sam inherits her cloddishness from." -- Sars] Sam clumsily backs out of the family fun by declaring herself Carmen’s campaign manager. *Sigh.*
This Clean ‘n’ Clear commercial grosses me out. Way out. The last thing I want to see is that poorly-pigmented loser waving around a grease-soaked tissue during my prime-time experience. Ugh.
Okay, back to the show. Yummy black-and-white Miss America pageant footage, then cut to the two freakiest girls in the entire world, April and May Tuna. My heart is pounding. I love them. May is eating dirt out of a Tupperware, while the two of them concur that the Chess Club will be voting for Brooke because it just seems right. Carmen, oblivious to the heavy hand of fate that is waiting to bitch-slap her, pins up crappy campaign posters. Sam insults them, then volunteers to help Carmen out by managing her campaign. Carmen tells her to take a fast taxi to Hell, and then tells her that she’s turned into a major drag. Go, Carmen! Sam’s eyebrows look as if they are made of clay. Just had to mention it. Carmen changes her mind, and agrees to take Sam back on two conditions: no dirty campaigning and no negativity. Sam agrees. Sniff, sniff, sniff - I think I smell Foreshadowing’s heady cologne. That handsome devil is always lurking around, teasing me with hints of what’s to come. In the spirit of not campaigning dirty, Sam whips out the photo of Brooke being sick, and shows it to Carmen. They caw, Sam puts it back into her notebook, the Browns walk away. BUT somehow the photograph slips out and falls to the floor, to be snatched up by an unknown hand. Bum-bum-BUM!
In the Kim Novak ladies’ lounge, Lady Teenage Soul gives Poppy a very stern lecture about minority representation, chastising her for keeping a low profile during the race. Rousing, peppy, motivational - that’s what Lady T is. Poppy agrees that minorities are underrepresented, and quirks an eyebrow as if she’s thinking. Or something.
Meanwhile, Brooke and Smug Bitch sit . . . somewhere . . . study hall? Cafeteria again? Somewhere. Brooke accuses Smug Bitch of rigging the nominations. SB denies it and Brooke believes her, thus proving Brooke as stupid as a bag of hammers tucked inside a bag of old shoes. They watch Sam schmooze the Chess Club, and discuss the significance of the CC in the race. Apparently, the CC is to the Homecoming race as New Hampshire is to the Presidential elections. The two Blondes watch in horror as April and May make noises like animals while they eat their snacks.
Uh-oh. Mere moments later, Poppy tries to tell Smug Bitch that she’s not really going to run against Brooke, even though there might be rumors to that effect (note: she’s lying to SB. Just in case you didn’t get it). But SB is mean to little Poppy, prompting Poppy to get all saucy on SB, declaring her intentions as a woman of color and a condiment. Not to mention candidate for Homecoming Queen. Lady T walks up, Poppy says something to her in . . . another language that I am just not hip enough to recognize (hey, what can I say? I’m old) and the two African Queens snit stylishly away. SB looks deeply confused, but very pretty in that shade of red lip gloss.
After that tense exchange with the mutinous Poppy, Smug Bitch understandably needs to take a leak, and heads straight to the Kim Novak ladies’ lounge. There she finds, not solace, but another mutinous Blonde. That’s right: Mary Cherry, in a simply hideous blue evening gown, courtesy of Bob Mackie. Bob Mackie should be tarred and feathered for the fashion crimes he has committed. Mary Cherry, bless her Texas heart, is standing in front of the mirror, practicing her pageant wave (you know, that one from the wrist). Anyway, SB has had quite enough of this nonsense and orders Mary Cherry to "march right down to the principal’s office and withdraw from this race." BAM! The bathroom stall swings open and out comes Cherry Cherry (nothing says "high class" like making your entrance from a crapper stall, eh, Delta?) in a full-length pink fur coat. Ennio Morricone-esque showdown music cranks up, and Cherry Cherry and Smug Bitch swap a few words. The upshot is that Cherry Cherry is throwing a whole bunch of money at this thing, and that Brooke McQueen better watch out. The two Cherrys snit away, with Mary Cherry making little faces at Smug Bitch. Unable to pee after this latest development, Smug Bitch also leaves the girls’ room in a snit.
But, oh! What else can go wrong on this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day for Smug Bitch? Well, I’ll tell ya. She can walk out of the bathroom, too tense to pee, after two confrontations with her unruly foot soldiers, only to discover that the halls of Kennedy High have been plastered with tinsel and flashing signs, plus full-size glossy posters of Mary Cherry leering from every corner. Bummer, eh? I guess there’s nothing to do but have a campaign war. Wacky fast-forward action ensues, all the contestants putting up posters, then that nutty MC (still in her abominable dress) running around and scribbling in armpit hair and beards on the other contestants’ posters with a black magic marker. Hee. Poppy’s got a piñata at her table, but Mary Cherry is giving away a new car! Oh, yeah. "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge blares throughout, adding to the kooky carnival atmosphere.
And cut to my favorite folks, the highly esteemed and deeply freaky members of the Chess Club. It’s time for the meet ‘n’ greets that April Tuna mentioned way back in the early part of the show. Freddie Gong, all business, says, "Tell us succinctly, with no bull, why we should vote for you for Homecoming Queen." In a rather brilliant shot, Carmen and Sam sit on the other side of a field of chess pieces, looking for all the world as if they are sitting on the other side of a hedge from the Chess Club hard-asses. Nice work, film people. Ooh, an even better shot, a side one of the two Browns and the CC members facing each other across the table. Man, those chess pieces are huge! This is so cool. Carmen blathers some crap about being a good representative of the people, and being sincere, caring, a lusty gal with an appetite for Gummi worms. The CC will have none of this nonsense. April Tuna quickly asks the question that really matters: "What does Brooke McQueen look like nudie?" May Tuna cackles with glee, just like me. I wish I could get my hair to do that kind of free-form sculpture thing. And on to the candidate, please! Mary Cherry gives them each $100. Poppy and Lady T try to tell them that they are all victims of prejudice, which works until Lady T spies May Tuna scarfing kitty litter out of a Tupperware: "Girl, you eating kitty litter?!" Hee hee hee! I love this show. Wait. I can’t believe I just said that. Don’t let it get around, okay? ["Me too." -- Sa - uh, "a friend"] Brooke is the last candidate to come before the committee. Oooh. Wacky music stops. Brooke goes on and on about herself, telling them how loyal and kind and loving she is, when Freddie asks the big stumper: "Brooke, what’s my name?" She looks utterly put on the spot (oh, right. Because she is) and it becomes instantly apparent that she has no idea what our sweet Freddie’s name is. He gives her a big ol’ ugly speech about how they’ve been in the same classes since the third grade, and how she’s never even said "hi" to him. Ouch. She has the grace to look ashamed, but, since that’s what she does every show, I find myself unable to have any sympathy for her at all. Or interest in her, really. Thankfully, Mary Cherry is around to offer some comic relief. She’s been spying on the whole thing, see, and smiles dementedly when Freddie delivers his big speech.
Cut to Sam, relaxing in a nice, hot bubble bath. I don’t know that the bath is hot, actually. For all I know it could be ice-cold. Television is amazing that way, isn’t it? Anyway, Sam is in the tub with the headphones on, looking like every girl-lover watching this show would want her to look (but with way too many bubbles). Brooke busts in and demands that Sam get out of the tub. Sam, of course, is as snotty as she can possibly be. I actually feel kind of bad for Brooke here. Anyway. Brooke remarks that she’s surprised that Sam hasn’t run some mean-spirited editorial to disqualify her from the Homecoming Queen race; Sam replies that she’s trying to change, to maintain a positive attitude from now on. I hear Foreshadowing’s delicate step creaking on the floorboards behind me, but I can’t quite make out what he’s saying. Brooke throws a temper tantrum, and Sam remains smugly in the tub. Because she’s an asshole.
day, Smug Bitch and Brooke walk into school, Brooke complaining about how lame Sam is. "At least it couldn’t get any worse," she says, apparently forgetting that those words always trigger cosmically bad events. Of course, just to prove that I’m right (thanks, God), something nasty is waiting just around the corner. Bam! The hallway is plastered with giant posters: "Brooke McQueen, The Queen Who Forgot Your Name." The picture is the Brooke-sick picture that fell out of Sam’s notebook just a few TV days ago (surprise! Not). Everyone thinks that Sam did it, because Sam’s an asshole. Even Carmen thinks Sam did it. Now Sam’s in the doghouse with everyone. Again. I wonder if they’ll patch it up by the end of the show? Okay, I don’t wonder that at all. Not really.
In the lunchroom, Smug Bitch and Josh sit around listening to Brooke rag on herself for not knowing people’s names. Smug Bitch: "Um, let’s not use the plural here. You didn’t know Freddie Gong’s name because he’s a loser." Thanks, SB. We can always trust you not to put too fine a point on things. Josh blows a bunch of smoke up Brooke’s ass about how she’s even foxy when she’s sick or something. Brooke, though, can’t just say thanks, but instead has to go on and on about how the poster is right, about how nobody at school has ever seen her be real until this picture was papered all over the walls blah blah blah, Freddie Gong is a real person with real feelings blah blah blah. Like she’s having some sort of "epiphany" or "realization about her character" or something like that. Mmm hmm. Right. Meanwhile, at the Powerful Ladies of Color table, Lady T and Poppy are trying to win Little Big Head over to their side. But the camera shifts to sad Carmen sitting with Sometimes-You-Feel-Like-A-Blue-Streak-Sometimes-You-Don’t (a.k.a. Harrison), and we know that Poppy is going to have a hard time convincing LBH to vote for anyone but a fellow Brown. And isn’t Ferrera a kind of Latin-y name, anyway? Carmen certainly counts as the fat minority. Because she is. Fat, that is. Don’t forget. While LBH is considering defecting, Sam approaches the Brown table, but gets roundly bagged on by Harrison and Carmen for being so lame. Neither one of them believes her, and Carmen fires Sam as her campaign manager. Oooh. Then the Brown team performs a tandem snit worthy of the Olympics, leaving Sam standing all alone in the cafeteria. Aw. Sucks to be you, huh, Sam?
Later that night, in the Palace (I’m going to have to think of a better name for the McQueen house than that. That’s simply not clever enough), Brooke discovers that Jane has moved all the water glasses from one kitchen cabinet to another. Uh-oh. Then Sam comes home. Double uh-oh (that’s "uh-oh uh-oh," for those who need the thrill of reading it firsthand). Brooke, Jane, and Mike turn on Sam like animals, tearing her limb from bloody limb, laughing maniacally, and devouring her internal organs with savage glee. Or at least they all accuse her of making the nasty poster, thus prompting her to move into the Utility Room with her favorite lamp. Whatever. Shut up, Sam.
day at school, Carmen pulls Brooke into the Kim Novak lounge to apologize for Sam’s supposed abominable behavior. Brooke confesses that she was on her way to Principal Hall’s office to withdraw from the race; Carmen gives her a big ol’ "stand up for yourself because you deserve everything in the world, even if you do have lank hair and an eating disorder" speech, which is very touching. They share a tender moment. Mmm.
Cut to the voting booths. Harrison says something casually to Sugar Daddy and Josh, which is odd, since the last time I saw those three boys together they were fist-fighting. April and May Tuna (mmm, love) give Sam a ballot, plus a heapin’ helpin’ of the stink-eye to boot. And -- let the voting begin. In wacky fast-forward. With yodeling. Harrison votes for Carmen, Brooke votes for Carmen, Sam votes for Carmen, Carmen votes for Brooke, SD votes for Poppy and does a weird little grunt-y dance afterwards, April Tuna (bless her heart) crosses out everyone’s name and writes in her own, May Tuna eats her ballot (hee), Smug Bitch votes for Poppy, Poppy votes for Brooke, Sam votes for Carmen, and Mary Cherry stuffs the ballot box. Phew. I’m exhausted. Thank heaven for commercial breaks.
Night of the big game. Cherry Cherry sits to the Jane-Mike unit, wearing an insanely expensive fur coat. April and May are wearing matching dresses; May grazes on her corsage. Mmmm, love. Little Big Head and Lady T sit together, but LBH can’t help praying out loud for Carmen to win. Lady T takes it pretty well, all things considered. Ew -- Jane and Mike have a weird exchange in which they can’t seem to agree whether Jane should consider Brooke her daughter or not. (Hint: not.) Cut to Sam, sitting all alone in the top bleacher and looking as gothic as you please, all in black with a striking yellow mum in her hand. And so morose. Damn. If she’s not careful, it looks like some sensitive, reflective poetry might come spilling out of her mouth, which is strangely closed for once. Anyway. Down on the field, Smug Bitch gets to emcee the Homecoming Queen part of the game, and strides up to the microphone like the saucy little Leo that she is. O. Mi. God. What’s the Hell is up with her hair?! Spiky, yet gummy. Styled, yet strangely disastrous. O, Smug Bitch, what hast thou done? She does look great in that leopard coat, and somehow manages to get the entire student body to shout its approval of it, too. That little minx. She’s a spitfire, for sure. One by one she announces the contestants, who drive up in convertibles and line themselves up like the cattle, I mean, princesses that they are. Aw, yeah. Mary Cherry in full effect. When MC alights from her carriage, she pauses a moment to turn on her dress (yep, you read it right the first time, don’t make me repeat it), which is festooned with little lights. Yay! Makes me proud to be a Texan. (You know we all have light-up clothes down here in the Lone Star State. It’s considered tacky to go out without them.) SB lets the requisite amount of time pass between getting the Envelope and actually announcing the Queen, which is just enough time for Carmen to make a quick aside to the camera. "This is the part where I win, right? Right." But, no. It’s Brooke! Yay! Surprise! Not really! Carmen and Brooke exchange a few Meaningful Looks, then Brooke’s sick-picture falls out of Mary Cherry’s handbag? Okay, let’s take this one slow: first, why would a Homecoming Queen nominee have a handbag with her at the ceremony? Second, why would that piece of damning evidence be sitting just right on top like that? Anyway. I mean, whatever. Brooke, Mike, and Jane all look in horror up to the spot on the bleachers where Sam was sitting, but they can’t see her because her black clothes make her invisible. Or she’s already gone, one of the two.
Okay, get ready for poignancy. Sam’s at her dad’s grave. She puts the mum on his grave, and delivers this terribly sad speech to her dead dad about what a crappy person she’s become. Jane finds her at the graveyard, and eavesdrops on this private moment. Rude much? Oh, I’m tearing up, it’s sad, sad. The upshot is that Sam makes a resolution to be a nicer, better person so that she can move back out of the laundry room and up into the big house with the rest of the family. Jane finally stops creeping around and gives Sam a big ol’ hug. She apologizes for being so mean about the posters, then offers to double her allowance for the six weeks. Who knew forgiveness was so easy to buy?
On the flip side, there’s the Cherry family. Mary Cherry sulks into the limo with her mom and apologizes for not winning. Cherry Cherry: "Those are the breaks, sugar-booger. They always give it to a pretty girl." Hee hee. (Did you know that "booger sugar" is another term for cocaine? I learned that from Mojo Nixon. And I’m proud to pass that wisdom along.) Cherry Cherry tells her little girl that there was one time when she didn’t win a pageant either. "Do you know what I did, Mary Cherry?" "You shot ’em, mama?" Heeeeeee hee hee! No, Cherry Cherry didn’t shoot the judges; she went out and bought herself a crown of her own instead. Figuring MC was going to be a loser, she brought it along as a consolation prize. MC tears up, turns on her dress, and happily puts on the crown. Ain’t love grand?
Awww yeah. Brooke McQueen wears her tiara into the bathroom, then offers it to Sam. Um, thanks, dumbass, what a way to start a conversation: "Hi. I won something. You didn’t. Do you want to try on the thing that I won so that you can feel even more acutely that you didn’t win it?" Fortunately for Brooke, Sam doesn’t seem half as insulted by this as I do, and they strike up a little truce. And they agree to flip a coin for the sink each week. See, because they both have to get used to being the princess around the house. Get it? Sam puts on the crown when Brooke leaves the room, and the credits roll. (If anyone can figure out who sings that sweet little "Homecoming Queen" song at the end, the one that sounds suspiciously like the Flaming Lips, please let me know, because it gave me the shivers a little bit.)