Carmen is talking to the camera. She announces that this year, on her sixteenth birthday, she is going to get on the cheerleading squad. She’s going to invite all the Blondes into her home, and eat them. Or have them over for a slumber party. Whatever. As she talks, we realize that she’s actually giving a speech to someone . . . who could it be? Could it be . . . food? YES! It’s a big cupcake, with whom she is breaking up, right after "one more quickie." Cut to the Blondes, all gaping in disbelief at the invitations in their lockers. Oh, look! Vomit Girl is also a Blonde - even though she has brown hair. How nice for her. I wonder if the ability to vomit is one of the defining characteristics of the popular. All the girls cackle at their invitations, except Brooke, who seems kind of interested. She says to herself that she must have been ten years old the last time she had a slumber party - at which point the camera shifts focus to Harrison, who is staring at her obsessively from a few lockers away. Creepy, Harrison. Cut it out. Sam has also gotten her invitation. Her hair has more volume than a heavy metal show, more body than a Bud girl. Wow. She spies Harrison spying on the Blondes, and teases that he should crash the slumber party. He’s all snippy (obsession makes you really cranky), but delectably cute as ever. He complains to Sam that he’s sick of being the Friend, then continues to stare balefully at Brooke. The two of them watch as Smug Bitch pretends to call 911 to report several E! fashion emergencies at the home of Carmen Ferrera. Cut to Carmen, slipping another invitation into another locker. Her hair is pretty bouncy, too. I wonder if she and Sam use the same brand of conditioner. Sam and Harrison wince as the Blondes continue to laugh at Carmen. Brooke waves to Carmen, who "cheerfully" (read: anxiously) waves back. S and H try an intervention with Carmen right there in the hall. Of course, tactful Sam has to start things off on the right foot with a jolly, "Carmen, they’re laughing at you." I think she’s been taking the same rhetoric class as Little Big Head. Harrison seems to agree with her. Funny, but there’s no sign of the show-stealing, sub-plot providing Harrison Haircut from last episode. That New-Wave blue streak is back, too. Hmmm. Perhaps they had the shooting schedule backwards? Carmen defends her decision by likening the Blondes to sorority girls (so far, so good), and says that if she can just make it through Hell Week, then she’ll be in (okay, she fell apart there). One Rousing Speech later, involving several declarations of Not Giving Up and Not Being A Quitter, she snits off, leaving H and S looking after her in dismay. Sam tries to say that Carmen’s birthday shouldn’t be about making the Blondes happy, but Harrison points out that it shouldn’t be about making Sam happy, either. Yeah! Stop being so damned self-absorbed, Sam. Sam slumps, defeated, against a wall, while Harrison gives a little speech about being sick of feeling second-rate. End scene with first Harrison, then Sam, stomping off camera. Is no one allowed to stay on camera after something happens?
Bad credits sequence. Oh, yes, you’re SO photogenic! Yes, yes, you’re beautiful - pout, baby, pout. Just act natural. Snarf.
Brooke and Smug Bitch sneak down the hall. They exchange Meaningful Looks. Brooke grabs Josh from behind and insists that she needs to see him. Right now. She plants a huge smacker on him right there in front of the entire Blonde posse, then drags him off down the hall. Mary Cherry fans her chest and remarks that she’s never seen Brooke’s Eartha Kitt impersonation before. Um. Maybe it’s Mary Cherry who is the drag queen . . . because the only people I know who casually reference Ms. Kitt in conversation (please pardon the generalization, but . . . ) are great big queens. (Keep your eyes peeled for the white-hot Popular contest, kids. Details on the way. And if you were thinking that it might have something to do with guessing which cast member is going to come out first, well, it doesn’t. I swear. Really.) Let me comment here that SB looks at least thirty in this scene. SB tells them all that Brooke was reading Seventeen magazine last night, and learned that all you need to make a boy happy today is aggression and the perfect shade of plum lip gloss. Actually, Brooke, it’s easier than that. All it takes to make a teenage boy your slave (from what I remember, anyway) is a firm grip and a strong set of lips. But maybe times have changed. ["Not where I live. And by the way, BWA HA HA HAAA!" - Sars]
Warning: the upcoming sequence alludes to both adolescent and adult sexuality. Not to mention mayhem and hijinks. Mayhem and hijinks have been known to cause blindness in MBTV network executives, who have fallen victim to the old trick of trying to dull the pain with pills and booze. Cut to Brooke and Josh in the nurse’s office. Brooke pushes him down on the cot, pulls the shade, and hops on top of him like a dog in the park. He seems both alarmed and pleased by these events: "What is up with you? Did you watch Titanic again last night?" Cut to Sam’s mom, on the phone with Brooke’s dad. He’s trying to ask her out on a date, but she’s saying no way, ‘cause their daughters are both such hateful little shits. Mom checks herself out in the mirror as Mike (that’s Dad’s name) suggests that they just go park somewhere. Cut back to Brooke and Josh. She murmurs, "This beats the back of a car, doesn’t it? Do you like this, baby, me being aggressive?" Whoa, Pamela Anderson! Josh can’t get an answer out, ‘cause Brooke keeps plugging his mouth with little kisses. I wonder if I was this awkward when I was a teenager. Surely not. She asks him how he likes her lip gloss. Josh says, "It’s tasty. Just like you." I wonder why people like Josh at all. Brooke begins to remark that they’ve . . . Cut to Sam’s mom looking at her wattle in the mirror as Mike completes Brooke’s sentence: ". . . never made out during the day." Mom checks her wattle again and says that there’s a good reason for that, presumably her insecurity about the way she looks in direct sunlight. Mike says that she can "delay the wave of my magic wand all you want, but you can’t fight . . . " Brooke completes it: " . . . chemistry." UGH! "MAGIC WAND"?! Oh, man! That’s enough, mister! I don’t want to hear any more cheesy phallic references from you for the rest of the show or you’re grounded, do you understand me? [Shudder.] Just then, the school nurse pulls open the curtain on Josh and Brooke. SURPRISE! It’s really Bio, in frosted eye-shadow and pink lipstick! Those nutty producers - they must stay up late at night, thinking of more, and more clever, ways to introduce our RDA of hijinks into the show. See, it’s Nurse Glass, Bio’s femme sister. Or the actress who plays Bio, dressed up as this other character, to prove what a versatile and uproarious comedienne she is. Get it? Brooke shrieks, as well she should, since her headache has just reached new heights of anguish. Wait. That’s my headache. Cut to Mike again, talking all sexy into his black cordless phone: "Here’s the deal. We’re making a date, and we’re doing It." Oh, thank God - the other line beeps before he can ask Mom when she’s going to play his flute, or smoke his pipe, or any of those other "subtle" euphemisms for It. Duh, it’s Nurse Glass from the clinic at school. Brooke and Josh sit back to back in front of her as she speaks with Mike. Just then, Bio walks in and quips, "Ooh. I smell sex and candy!" Her "sister" turns to her: "Got that right, Bob." Ugh! If this show gets any more clever I’m going to pull out my own eyes and throw them at the screen. Mike doesn’t even get off the other line with Mom, but immediately insists that he speak with Brooke. Rude much?
Cut to B/SB walking out of the school building. Brooke is bitching about getting busted by Nurse Glass when SB spies a handsome, rugged fellow across the way. He’s smoking. Gross. Oh yeah, Brooke’s grounded for a week. "Romeo and Juliet, all balcony, no climb." SB cheeses all over the "James Dean fantasy." When he says that his name is Leo, she says, "Oh, great! I’m a Leo, too!" Carmen busts between them, "Sorry I’m late!" It turns out that Leo is her hottie older brother. The two of them trot away, leaving SB and B with their jaws a-hangin’. The jaws drop even further when Carmen and Leo get on his motorcycle. Hee hee. I’m so proud of Carmen, even though she doesn’t realize yet how fucking cool she is. It’s one of those rare moments when I remember how much everything changes when you’re released from high school. In ten years, Carmen is going to realize that she was the shit when she was a kid, and didn’t even know it. SB turns all cheesy and flattering, and compliments Carmen on her Hello Kitty purse. Leo asks them if they’re coming to Carmen’s party. Of course they are. How on earth would the plot advance if they didn’t? The plan is this: SB is going to seduce Leo, and Brooke and Josh will get to hook up, too, thus circumventing Brooke’s grounding.
Cut to cafeteria. Harrison, Sam, and Carmen are sitting down for some meal. You know, I can never tell what time of day it is on this show. Are they eating breakfast? Lunch? Didn’t Carmen just ride away on her brother’s motorcycle? If so, then why is she now sitting down to break bread with Blue Streak and Mouth Breather? The light is always golden, the make-up is always fresh. Time is a tricky thing in Southern California. That’s why they make movies there. Anyway, Sam teases Harrison about his crush on Brooke. He declares the he is "so over Brooke McQueen." Right, Blue Streak, that’s why you’re digging through her trash at night. Little Big Head joins the table, and the super-powers of the Browns are activated. Except for the "super-powers" part. They reminisce about slumber parties past, where Harrison would try to sneak in past Carmen’s family’s burglar alarm. Um, watch out Brooke, it looks like Harrison’s been in training from a young age. Perhaps she should consider getting a dog. Oh no! Little Big Head has to work that night! Carmen says that she can move the party to the weekend, since it’s only going to be the Browns anyway. BUT - ladies and gentlemen, hold your breaths and hang onto your hats for the surprising plot twist that you are about to experience. We will not be responsible for heart-attacks, strokes, and other symptoms of surprise - AT THAT VERY MOMENT, as the words fall from Carmen’s ruby-red lips, some saucy music starts to play, and the Blondes, in full cheerleader regalia, sass into the cafeteria. Slow-motion has the entire room in its evil grip. Will they break free? How long can this moment last? Brooke gives a big ol’ sexy slo-mo smile to Blue Streak, then, just as she is about to speak, she crumbles into a pile of bones. Wait. That was Conan the Barbarian. Sorry. What really happens is that the Blondes tell Carmen that they’ll be able to make her party after all. Blue Streak can’t stop checking out Brooke’s ass (it’s one of his super-powers, to be able to see the missing body parts of girls who have starved them away). Carmen talks with her mouth full (don’t forget, kids, Carmen = food. ‘Cause she’s fat. Why is it, again, that we are not subject to countless thousands of shots of Sugar Daddy eating his Gummi worms and supper rolls? Oh, right, fat girls are beat, but fat guys are just . . . fat).
[News flash, hot off the VH-1 presses: Kevin, the serious one of the Backstreet Boys, was both captain of the football team AND the star of the school musical Bye-Bye Birdie. Take that, Kennedy High! Josh Ford is on a fast track to stardom, and no one in that one-horse school is going to stop him. No one! And now, back to your regular programming.]
Heeeee hee heee, SB calls Sam "Spam"! Why didn’t I think of that? I am angry that the Smug Bitch was more clever than I. Further proof that she is, in fact, a big ol’ queen, just like Mary Cherry. (Don’t forget to watch for the contest!) Of course, Carmen immediately changes her mind faster than Superman changes clothes, and the slumber party is now scheduled to go on sans Little Big Head. I actually feel bad for Little Big Head (pay attention, folks, it don’t happen very often), who looks genuinely disappointed. She’s even kind of pretty in this scene, what with her hair smoothed down, and that cute little "Cuba" tank top and all. Huh. After the Blondes leave, the Browns focus their death-ray eyes on Carmen’s lame-ass head, but, instead of exploding, she just runs away. Oh, well. You can’t say they didn’t try.
Cut to the end of some class. Sam tells Little Big Head that it’s up to them to watch Carmen’s back at the slumber party. Nice one, Mouth Breather - Little Big Head has to work that night. Trust Sam to rub salt in the chicken. Um, wound. "I think they’re doing this to get back at me. I mean, I am linked to Brooke McQueen now." You. Selfish. Little. Bitch. Right, Sam, ‘cause everything on this show revolves around you. Aaaarrrrgh! Can’t someone seal her mouth shut with lip gloss and a hair dryer or something? LBH asks if things are still heavy (huh, huh, huh, heavy petting, huh huh huh) with Mike and Mom. Sam hasn’t seen any evidence, she says, then remarks that she doesn’t want to see Carmen get hurt. Uh-huh. LBH busts Sam, as she is so good at doing (she hasn’t even gotten shrill yet. What’s up with that?), for being really hurt herself, and for feeling like everyone is against her. Of course Sam ignores this opportunity for honesty and growth, catharsis, etc., and continues to talk about how imperative it is that they save Carmen from the evil Blondes. She alludes to the fact that only Brooke is powerful enough to prevent the slumber party from happening, cutting a sideways stink-eye at Ms. McQueen.
The camera lingers on the "alluringly" gaunt Brooke and her multi-talented future-superstar boyfriend, Josh. Brooke tells Josh that the Smug Bitch is going to secure a private room for her at the slumber party, into which Josh can creep. I wonder if he’s planning on wearing sweats. They kiss for a second, then he looks at her very sweetly and tells her that she doesn’t have to wear any special make-up for him, ‘cause he likes her best when she’s scrubbed and natural. Pow! Pow! Pow! What’s that noise, amorgan? Well, kids, that’s the sound of Josh’s attempt at a compliment backfiring. Brooke’s face falls, and Josh struts off grinning like he’s just won the award for Boyfriend Of The Year. Note to Josh: chicks spend a lot of time putting on make-up, a lot of money buying make-up, a lot of energy thinking about what make-up to wear. When a girl puts on special make-up for you, you should just. Say. Thank you.
Brooke goes into the Kim Novak lounge to take off her make-up and feel bad about herself, and Sam busts in and begs her not to go to Carmen’s slumber party. Damn, Sam, Brooke even tried to be nice and talk about how frustrating that whole make-up thing is, and you just laid right into her. Your mama needs to teach you some manners. Right after she gets laid by Brooke’s dad. Is that a picture of Judy Garland as a clown on the bathroom wall? Oh look! It’s my good friend, the Rose Settee! Hey, Rose, what’s up? Yeah, these fights bore me, too. Good thing we’ve found one another to talk to. You know, Brooke has a point about Sam being a lame friend, trying to sabotage her fellow Brown’s social event. What? Well, that’s true, too. Sam’s right to call Brooke a manipulative meanie, since she’s only going to the party to (not) do It with her boyfriend. Again. I don’t know why Sam never closes her mouth. I think she’s fighting a serious case of allergies. Oh, Brooke’s run off. Well, I guess I should get going, too. I’ll see you around. Nudge nudge. Get it? A-round? ‘Cause you’re a round settee? Hm. I thought it was funny. Anyway. Later.
Ooohhh. Cut to Bio and Doppelganger Bio, walking down the hall together. DB is trying to get Bio to come over and watch Who’s That Girl and paint her toenails. Bio makes a gross-out face and cracks, "Of all the sisters in the world, I had to get a girl." What is UP with all these loaded cultural references? I feel like I’m watching a show filmed entirely in secret code. If I could only crack the code, I’d be whisked away to the Homosexual World Headquarters, where a team of specialists would coif me, couture me, and coddle me into the dimension. Damn it, I knew I should’ve kept the decoder ring that beautiful boy gave me at the club that night in the Castro!
Cut to Smug Bitch and Brooke. Brooke makes SB promise that there will be no Carmen-torture at the slumber party. See, Brooke doesn’t want to be the person that Sam McPherson thinks she is. Foreshadowing, thy name is Quality Television.
Later, in the lunchroom (what day is it? What meal is it? Haven’t they already eaten lunch today?), Sam and Carmen bicker about what a tactless, lame friend Sam’s being. Then the Blondes summon their captive Brown over to the cheerleaders’ lunch table. Carmen drifts over like a zombie, crying, "Brains! Brains!" Nobody seems to notice but me. Smug Bitch hands her a list of demands for the slumber party. Voice-over: Saigon. 1965. It’s Hell Week at Kennedy High. If I can only make it through the week, maybe Charlie will let me join the cheerleading squad. I hear him in my sleep, making Gwyneth references. That bastard, Charlie, I’ll get him. If it’s the last thing I do. Right after I buy him high-thread-count sheets and a case of Tab. SB asks pointedly if Leo will be there, and if he is single. Carmen tells her that he has an "endless" supply of hippie girlfriends. A bell dings as SB perks up at this info. [Smooch.] I love you, Foreshadowing. Will you marry me?
Cut to Brooke, who stumbles against, oh, nothing (malnutrition can really take your coordination down a notch), and drops an empty plastic bottle. Harrison dives for the bottle, and shoots it into the recycling bin five feet away. Have you no dignity, man? Brooke chats him up by reminiscing about the slumber parties she used to have, and how Harrison stood guard against the other boys. Cut to an incredibly cute flashback of a tiny Brooke and tiny Harrison, talking to each other on walkie-talkies from opposite ends of a short flight of stairs. Oh man, that’s so cute I almost made my neighbor come over to watch it. (Until I remembered that it’s probably only cute to someone who is pathologically involved with this show, like me.) Brooke makes flirty-eyes at Harrison and tells him that Carmen’s slumber party just won’t be the same without him. He pops an immediate boner at this (no, they don’t show it. You can just tell) and watches her as she glides away.
Cut to Sam and Carmen bickering in the hall again. Carmen reports that Mary Cherry has requested two bottles of ipecac, and told Carmen that it’s all that she drinks. Wow. A new plateau for self-reflexive eating disorder humor. I’m stunned. And impressed. Bicker bicker bicker. Snark snark snark. Now they’re in a big fight. I wonder if they will kiss and make up by the end of the show? The suspense is driving me to new heights of desperation. Please. Somebody. Do something interesting.
And cut to Sam’s mom, doing sit ups. Sam, who looks lovely tonight in a long grey skirt and black turtleneck, courtesy of Urban Outfitters (turn around, Sam, and show us the back), watches in disgust, and launches into a loathsome diatribe about how everybody loves the McQueens and nobody loves her. She tries to explain that the Blondes are going to try to capture Carmen’s laser cannon and blow up the White House, but Mom will hear none of it. Foolish grown-up. Ohhh, here comes the sincerely painful part. She begs her mom to go out to the movies with her, ‘cause she’s feeling so crappy, but Mom waffles because she’s got a date with Mike and doesn’t want to tell Sam. So she turns it around and nukes Sam for being so lame about Brooke. Ouch. Double ouch.
Later, at Carmen’s world headquarters, the Blondes arrive in full regalia. Wow. Smug Bitch’s coat is so fine that I feel the need to tell you all about it. It’s a floor-length, velvet coat with black feathers at collar and cuffs. The velvet is grey, with silk-screened black bugs all over it. Damn. That’s amazing. The girls pile all their luggage onto Carmen, as the Eels’ "Cancer for the Cure" plays in the background. That song is also in American Beauty. In case you cared. Just as Carmen is about to close the door, who should show up but that lovable scamp Sam. With the stage set for dramatic tension and excitement, we cut to a commercial break.
Go to hell, Finesse Woman.
Back at Carmen world headquarters, it’s an orgy of Inner Thoughts and Secret Wishes. Seems that some super-villain has spiked the Tab with Voice-Over potion. Let’s see . . . Sam is starting to doubt her instincts, and has never felt more alone. Brooke feels guilty, and wishes that her tits bounced like Smug Bitch’s. Carmen wishes she were skinny and neurotic like Brooke. Harrison thinks that Carmen’s right about that dues-paying thing. Harrison? But . . . you’re outside! Did the evil super-villain get to you, too? That bastard. Now Carmen opens her birthday presents. For some reason, she feels compelled to sing a song called "Decapitated Rat" to the Blondes, who are appalled by her folky shrieking. As am I. Mary Cherry quickly quashes the singing. Thank you, MC. Sam gives Carmen a poem, but before she can read it, Smug Bitch grabs it and makes fun of it. Surprise. Not. Carmen looks mad at first, but then joins in the Sam mockery, and even makes a little fun of Sam herself. Drunk with power, she laughs. Mua-ha-ha-ha. Not really. But she does make a little fun of Sam, who (all together now) snits away. Carmen feels bad, but lets Brooke run after Sam to "comfort" her. I’m liking Carmen less and less by the minute. Instead of going to find Sam, Brooke runs to her private room and waits for Josh to show up. So they can not do It some more. She cranks open the window, but the alarm goes off. This is the moment that Harrison has been training for all of his life. Go, man! Go!
Cut to hunky Leo, forlornly plinking at an unplugged electric guitar in his bedroom. He looks awfully old to be living with his parents. Loser. Smug Bitch walks by his room, barges in, and proceeds to spout a bunch of weird nonsense about admiring the spirit of Woodstock. She raises her arms to display some false armpit hair. That’s right. Armpit wigs. You might have wondered to yourself in the past, "Where on earth can I find my very own pair of pit wigs?" Well, wonder no more. The answer is: southern California, the land of milk and honey. They grow in such abundance that sidewalk vendors sell them on the street. No, I swear. It’s like a little piece of Heaven on earth.
Out in the yard, Josh and the Michelin Man, I mean, Sugar Daddy, join Harrison in the Brooke McQueen Stalk-a-thon. The male league of the Browns versus the Blondes squares off, and mean things are said all around. Brooke calls Josh on the Pants Phone, and asks to speak to Harrison. She pleads with Harrison to tell her how to turn off the alarm, because she knows that he knows how to. Oh wait. She doesn’t. More holes than a round of Swiss cheese. Jeez. Blue Streak, looking as if his heart is just breaking (he does that really well), gives her the code, and watches as Josh climbs up into the window for some hot dry humping.
Meanwhile, back inside, SB is boring Leo to tears. Sam stops in to say, "Howdy," at which point he tells her that she is a "babe." She’s also jailbait, Leo. Sam and Leo hit it off, causing SB to snit away. They laugh at her behind her back, which makes me feel good. SB runs into the hall, rips off her armpit wigs, and tears a Ferrera family photo off the wall and throws it onto the floor. I think Bio must have been working on a combat model when she grew SB, as SB’s aggression levels are unreasonably high. She’s probably on more steroids than an Earl Campbell pig. Poor kid.
After the commercial break, Smug Bitch "hypnotizes" Mary Cherry into thinking she’s Gwyneth. Carmen is dumbfounded, awestruck, and amazed. Of course, she’s dying to go . Cut to Brooke and Josh making out. Hey, she does have an ass after all! Josh puts his hand on it, but she firmly moves the offending hand back up to waist level. News flash, Brooke: that’s not how you get laid. Cut to Sam and Leo, who are having a long conversation in which it is revealed that Leo was a superstar in high school, but has now dropped out of college and moved back in with his parents. Oh, yeah, after he snowboarded around Europe. Hm. Loser. Sam offers to help him with his résumé. He seems pleased by this, then runs off on a date with a former cheerleader who now works at Pizza Hut. Did I mention that he’s a loser? Did I also mention that there’s nothing wrong with working at Pizza Hut? I mean, except for the obvious fact that it sucks. But that’s no reason to look down on the folks who work there. We’ve all gotta make a buck somehow.
Oh, no. SB has hypnotized Carmen into thinking she’s a chicken. Sam comes in and discovers this . . . this . . . mayhem, and demands that they put a stop to it. The Blondes all laugh at Sam, who runs off. Cut to Brooke and Josh, still making out. Maybe I should send them some kind of manual or instruction kit. Sam pounds on the door. Brooke stuffs Josh into the closet and answers the door. Sam says that she knew Brooke would be in there "doing something dirty." I find this more disturbing than anything else I’ve seen on this show thus far. The fact that sex is still regarded as something "dirty" is one of the most debilitating issues at play in our society. I’m dead serious. Fear of sex and sexuality make people like Matthew Shepard deader than a Thanksgiving turkey. That same fear also keeps young women stuck in this fucked-up cycle of praise and shame, schizophrenic for the rest of their lives. Sam also tells Brooke that she looks like a hooker. I am really disappointed in this show. They’ve been doing a good job with this stuff, ‘til now. Um. Wow. Anyway. I’ll step down off the soapbox now. Sam lambastes Brooke for being a big ol’ hypocrite, throws the closet door open for Josh (snicker), then snits away. Josh gets all morally outraged, too, ‘cause he’s so stupid that he thought Carmen knew what was going on all along. He calls Brooke a hypocrite, then leaves through the front door. Brooke looks like she’s about to cry. I feel like sending her a copy of Susie Bright’s new book, Full Exposure, and a bus ticket out of adolescence.
Cut to Mr. Cluck’s, where Smug Bitch and Vomit Girl are gleefully watching Carmen act like a chicken. Smug Bitch asks where Mary Cherry is, and Vomit Girl tells her that Mary Cherry said she won’t go into a chicken place because of E. coli bacteria. Apparently, she’s too much of a lady to get the "Lady Di-arrheas." An air horn goes off in the parking lot, and we see Mary Cherry sitting in the cab of a big rig. I guess she’s not too much of a lady to pick up truckers in the parking lot of a fast food joint.
Back at Carmen’s house, Brooke walks dejectedly out the front door, only to encounter Harrison waiting for her with a gun. Actually, he’s just moping. He doesn’t really have a gun. He tells her that Josh is gone. Then he gives a random little speech about how he’s not going to come to her rescue any more. Poor guy. He’s just been out there all alone, all this time. Thinking. Brooding. Festering. Plotting. She begs him to take her to Mr. Cluck’s. His mouth says, "No, no, no." But his eyes say, "I wonder if I can drill a hole in your head and make you my zombie slave." After a moment’s debate, his mouth says, "Yes." Good work, mouth. Pipe down, eyes, or you’ll give him away.
Cut to Sam’s mom’s house. She and Mike are happily doing It on the kitchen floor like a couple of crazy romantics. I hope Sam doesn’t stomp in and pour a bucket of Moral Majority slop all over them. Jane (that’s her name) is all embarrassed about her body, and says that she’s anxious because Mike used to be married to a homecoming queen, and she doesn’t know if she will measure up. The Hammer Of Overworked Plot Devices beats me mercilessly about the head and shoulders. Ouch! Stop it! She says that she wants to be perfect for him. As always, at the last moment, this damned show manages to pull off some serious poignancy and emotion. He pets her face and tells her very sincerely that she has always been perfect, from the moment he first saw her. Aw. Sniffle. Oh, lame. Sam looks in the window and sees them. Of course she is freaked out, and runs right away.
At Mr. Cluck’s, Carmen continues to pretend that she is a chicken, and tries to buy a bucket of chicken from Little Big Head. LBH is at first pleased that her lame-ass friend has come to see her at work, but soon gets her feelings good and stomped, as she thinks Carmen is just making fun of her. The Blondes are doubled over with laughter. The Voice-Over potion hasn’t quite worn off yet, and we hear Carmen say, "Pay your dues." LBH throws a chicken bucket at her and asks her to guess what rhymes with bucket. "Fuck it"? Did I win? I wonder what the prize is. Once she sees that she’s genuinely hurt LBH’s feelings, Carmen stops acting like a chicken (thank God) and just starts to cry. Poor kid. I’d be scared, too, if everyone around me was trapped by the slow motion monster, and laughing their heads off about it all the while. Fortunately, Brooke busts in and frees them from the slo-mo ray. She clucks like a chicken, too, and tries to play it off like Carmen did really well in a game of Truth or Dare. Brooke tells the other Blondes to get lost, then she apologizes to Carmen. Because no character of this show can remain on screen after s/he says something meaningful, Brooke runs off into the night.
Elsewhere in the city, Sam sits with her head in her hands. After a long moment of holding her own head, she jumps up and walks through a gate.
Back at Mr. Cluck’s, Carmen is trying to apologize to Little Big Head. LBH still looks cute. Maybe it’s the egg-shaped earrings that she has to wear. Sam shows up and sits down. "Enough about you, let’s talk about me! ME!" Since Sam is more upset than anyone else ever in the whole world, the conversation turns to her. She tells them that she saw her mom and Mike doing It. Then she whines, not about witnessing parental sex, which would have made me crawl out of my skin when I was a teenager, but about how her mom has chosen someone else over her. Carmen and LBH roll their eyes and bitch-slap Sam. Actually, they don’t say anything. Carmen tells Sam that her poem proves that Sam is good person who loves Carmen for who she is. Somehow, this appeases Sam’s monstrous appetite for attention. Sam pulls a pair of candles out of her pockets and plants them in the chicken. The Browns all laugh, except for Harrison, who is busy making Brooke a zombie in his parent’s basement. A feel-good, uh, feeling washes over me, and I laugh with them, glad to have made it through another crazy, crazy episode.