Episode Report Card Amorgan: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Slumber Party Massacre
By Amorgan | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.20.1999
Bad credits sequence. Oh, yes, you’re SO photogenic! Yes, yes, you’re beautiful - pout, baby, pout. Just act natural. Snarf.
Brooke and Smug Bitch sneak down the hall. They exchange Meaningful Looks. Brooke grabs Josh from behind and insists that she needs to see him. Right now. She plants a huge smacker on him right there in front of the entire Blonde posse, then drags him off down the hall. Mary Cherry fans her chest and remarks that she’s never seen Brooke’s Eartha Kitt impersonation before. Um. Maybe it’s Mary Cherry who is the drag queen . . . because the only people I know who casually reference Ms. Kitt in conversation (please pardon the generalization, but . . . ) are great big queens. (Keep your eyes peeled for the white-hot Popular contest, kids. Details on the way. And if you were thinking that it might have something to do with guessing which cast member is going to come out first, well, it doesn’t. I swear. Really.) Let me comment here that SB looks at least thirty in this scene. SB tells them all that Brooke was reading Seventeen magazine last night, and learned that all you need to make a boy happy today is aggression and the perfect shade of plum lip gloss. Actually, Brooke, it’s easier than that. All it takes to make a teenage boy your slave (from what I remember, anyway) is a firm grip and a strong set of lips. But maybe times have changed. ["Not where I live. And by the way, BWA HA HA HAAA!" - Sars]
Warning: the upcoming sequence alludes to both adolescent and adult sexuality. Not to mention mayhem and hijinks. Mayhem and hijinks have been known to cause blindness in MBTV network executives, who have fallen victim to the old trick of trying to dull the pain with pills and booze. Cut to Brooke and Josh in the nurse’s office. Brooke pushes him down on the cot, pulls the shade, and hops on top of him like a dog in the park. He seems both alarmed and pleased by these events: "What is up with you? Did you watch Titanic again last night?" Cut to Sam’s mom, on the phone with Brooke’s dad. He’s trying to ask her out on a date, but she’s saying no way, ‘cause their daughters are both such hateful little shits. Mom checks herself out in the mirror as Mike (that’s Dad’s name) suggests that they just go park somewhere. Cut back to Brooke and Josh. She murmurs, "This beats the back of a car, doesn’t it? Do you like this, baby, me being aggressive?" Whoa, Pamela Anderson! Josh can’t get an answer out, ‘cause Brooke keeps plugging his mouth with little kisses. I wonder if I was this awkward when I was a teenager. Surely not. She asks him how he likes her lip gloss. Josh says, "It’s tasty. Just like you." I wonder why people like Josh at all. Brooke begins to remark that they’ve . . . Cut to Sam’s mom looking at her wattle in the mirror as Mike completes Brooke’s sentence: ". . . never made out during the day." Mom checks her wattle again and says that there’s a good reason for that, presumably her insecurity about the way she looks in direct sunlight. Mike says that she can "delay the wave of my magic wand all you want, but you can’t fight . . . " Brooke completes it: " . . . chemistry." UGH! "MAGIC WAND"?! Oh, man! That’s enough, mister! I don’t want to hear any more cheesy phallic references from you for the rest of the show or you’re grounded, do you understand me? [Shudder.] Just then, the school nurse pulls open the curtain on Josh and Brooke. SURPRISE! It’s really Bio, in frosted eye-shadow and pink lipstick! Those nutty producers - they must stay up late at night, thinking of more, and more clever, ways to introduce our RDA of hijinks into the show. See, it’s Nurse Glass, Bio’s femme sister. Or the actress who plays Bio, dressed up as this other character, to prove what a versatile and uproarious comedienne she is. Get it? Brooke shrieks, as well she should, since her headache has just reached new heights of anguish. Wait. That’s my headache. Cut to Mike again, talking all sexy into his black cordless phone: "Here’s the deal. We’re making a date, and we’re doing It." Oh, thank God - the other line beeps before he can ask Mom when she’s going to play his flute, or smoke his pipe, or any of those other "subtle" euphemisms for It. Duh, it’s Nurse Glass from the clinic at school. Brooke and Josh sit back to back in front of her as she speaks with Mike. Just then, Bio walks in and quips, "Ooh. I smell sex and candy!" Her "sister" turns to her: "Got that right, Bob." Ugh! If this show gets any more clever I’m going to pull out my own eyes and throw them at the screen. Mike doesn’t even get off the other line with Mom, but immediately insists that he speak with Brooke. Rude much?
Cut to B/SB walking out of the school building. Brooke is bitching about getting busted by Nurse Glass when SB spies a handsome, rugged fellow across the way. He’s smoking. Gross. Oh yeah, Brooke’s grounded for a week. "Romeo and Juliet, all balcony, no climb." SB cheeses all over the "James Dean fantasy." When he says that his name is Leo, she says, "Oh, great! I’m a Leo, too!" Carmen busts between them, "Sorry I’m late!" It turns out that Leo is her hottie older brother. The two of them trot away, leaving SB and B with their jaws a-hangin’. The jaws drop even further when Carmen and Leo get on his motorcycle. Hee hee. I’m so proud of Carmen, even though she doesn’t realize yet how fucking cool she is. It’s one of those rare moments when I remember how much everything changes when you’re released from high school. In ten years, Carmen is going to realize that she was the shit when she was a kid, and didn’t even know it. SB turns all cheesy and flattering, and compliments Carmen on her Hello Kitty purse. Leo asks them if they’re coming to Carmen’s party. Of course they are. How on earth would the plot advance if they didn’t? The plan is this: SB is going to seduce Leo, and Brooke and Josh will get to hook up, too, thus circumventing Brooke’s grounding.