Welcome to the recap of yet another episode of Popular, that lovable, laughable show full of kids just like you and me. The fourth episode opens with a voice-over of a weather commentator, warning people against the craaaazy Santa Ana winds. They are, apparently, usually accompanied by confusion and unexpected hijinks, not to mention romance. Thank God for foreshadowing. A weather advisory warning runs across the bottom of the screen. Those guys are so clever! They actually had me fooled for a minute. (Snicker.) The weather warning is accompanied by shots of hapless teenagers chasing pieces of paper across the lawn of Kennedy High.
Sam is interviewing the new drama teacher. Hand-held tape recorder in hand, she asks the new woman how she plans on investing the musical with her vision. The woman, much to her credit, looks at Sam as if Sam had just asked how she planned on training all those monkeys that just flew out of her butt. "I don’t have a vision. I have a mortgage." Sam looks appropriately appalled and says, "So, you just took on this assignment for the cash?" Ugh. So annoying, so early in the show. The teacher grabs the tape recorder and turns it off. She tells Sam that she’ll have no muckraking in her class: "I like you. You’ve got spunk. [Note for those with a juvenile sense of humor: "spunk" is Australian slang for "semen."] But, you twist my words, I lose my job." Good for you, Drama Lady. You put that slack-jawed Brenda Starr back in her place. She then turns to her little troll helper, Gina the Mute, and demands to know where Josh is. Josh, on cue, bursts in the door, looking like a Calvin Klein model in a wife-beater and sweats. Drama Lady chastises Josh for his tardiness, then wonders where the rest of her actors are. Gina the Mute shrugs and goes back to licking the floor. Since the rest of the actors are conveniently missing, Drama Lady demands that Sam hop on up and help out with rehearsal. After much protesting, Sam finds herself onstage, playing the part of Josh’s character’s daughter. Part of this challenging role entails letting Josh dandle her on his knee while he sits on a pretend tree stump. Drama Lady calls out, "Gina! Sunset!" Gina snaps on a mag light and shines it through an orange gel. The "sunset" is utterly invisible due to the morning sunlight streaming through the nearby window. After a few brief, bitter exchanges between Sam and Josh, he bounces her bony ass on his knee a few times and croaks out a handful of notes. This energetic jostling lands Sam squarely in Josh’s crotch. This leads to a montage of extreme close-ups of everyone’s eyes. The eyes are, of course, shifting about wildly in a sea of greasy skin. In fast forward. With nutty bongo music in the background. Um, in case you didn’t know: bongo music + fast-forward camera motion = funny. My jaw hurts because I can’t stop grinding my teeth. Sam lurches off of Josh’s lap, leaving Josh sitting alone on the stage with his, um, "sunset." That’s what he gets for wearing sweats.
And cut to the worst credits sequence on television today. Okay, this is the only show that I watch, so I’m not really qualified to make that assumption, but it’s mind-numbingly bad. And it’s followed by a Cover Girl commercial, starring Brandi. Brandi is the headlining act in Hell’s half-time entertainment show. I have a headache.
Cut to black-and-white footage of a hurricane blowing the roofs off of people’s houses. This also means funny. Nothing says funny like an old disaster. Hoo! Cut to Sam and Carmen in the Kim Novak bathroom. Carmen sits cross-legged, like an incredulous Buddha, on the big round ottoman-thing that figures so prominently in every bathroom scene. Sam is wigging out. Carmen wonders aloud if Josh is "into" Sam. She suggests that publicizing Josh’s boner would be an effective way to get back at Brooke. Sam quashes the idea, then swears Carmen to utter secrecy. (Gotta love that foreshadowing. Thanks, guys.)
Brooke and Smug Bitch walk down the hall. Brooke is complaining that it’s been forty-six hours since Josh has spoken to her. Co-dependent much? Oh, yeah, Brooke, he’s still pissed off at you for being such a lame, unsupportive girlfriend. In response to Brooke’s self-deprecating remark that Josh must think she’s a "cold-hearted witch," Smug Bitch says that Brooke has a heart the "size of a cantaloupe," but that she could stand to work on her "climate control." So, SB is now the authority on sex appeal? Right. She suggests that Brooke take off her bra. As they head for the bathroom, a "boing" noise goes off. Like boobs. Get it?
Surprise! Carmen and Sam are still talking about Josh’s erection in the bathroom when Brooke and Smug Bitch walk in. SB tells Brooke that she’ll hold her underwear in her purse, if necessary. Am I the only person who finds this peculiar? Brooke emerges from the stall and says, "What do you think?" I think that there is no difference whatsoever between Brooke-with-a-bra and Brooke-without-a-bra. SB turns and says mean things to Sam and Carmen. The upshot of this dull natter is that Mary Cherry’s family has volunteered the funds to keep the cheerleaders in Prada. SB then compliments Brooke profusely, calling her a "spherical miracle." Clever rhyme, Smug Bitch, but an utter, damnable lie. Brooke is about as spherical as a coat hanger. More mean words are bandied about between the Browns and the Blondes. SB makes a crack that Sam couldn’t catch a man if she tried. Carmen gives Sam a knowing look as the Blondes snit away.
Cut to Harrison (looking cute as a sack of puppies) wearing a conspicuous stocking cap. It seems that he’s gotten an unflattering haircut. Ah, the subplot. He’s talking to Little Big Head, who is mercifully sporting a sleek, head-slimming set of pigtails. Harrison declares that nobody is going to see his hair until he’s a senior. A what? Oh, never mind. He noses into LBH’s locker and pulls out a hideous fast-food uniform. LBH has had to get a job, and the only place hiring is a chicken franchise called Mr. Cluck’s. Oh, good, another miserably predictable plot device involving Little Big Head and dead animals. I wonder if she’s going to try and spread the gospel to the patrons of the restaurant. My least favorite thing about Little Big Head is that I share almost all of her political views so far. If I ever become that self-righteous, I hope someone has the presence of mind to shove a Monte Cristo sandwich down my throat. LBH is understandably embarrassed about her new job, and she snatches Harrison’s cap from his head in retaliation, just as Bio walks by. Hee hee. He and Bio have the exact same haircut -- a fact that does not escape the ever-observant Bio, who gives him a knowing compliment.
In another hall elsewhere in school, Sam flounces down the hall. Her hair is still bouncy, even when it’s straight. Josh yanks her into a sexily backlit janitor’s closet, and huskily swears Sam to secrecy about his hard-on. It’s all very intimate, and there’s some sort of hotsie guitar plinking going on, just to make sure we don’t miss it.
Cut to the Drama Lady. She writes the word "hubris" on the chalkboard. Sam and Josh come in to class together, both late. This makes Carmen smirk. The class has a big talk about hubris. Throughout the class discussion, Sam gives Josh the Eye, all slack-jawed and, um, sexy? More hotsie music plays. The heavy hand of symbolism insinuates here that the Blondes are gods and the Browns are mortals, destined to be burned again and again. In case you didn’t catch it. Those wacky Santa Ana winds, curse their mischievous spirits, blow in through an open window. This causes Sam to fall into a slow-motion Cover Girl sequence, in which her hair blows all sexily around her head, but doesn’t stick to her lip gloss. Who knew that seasonal winds could actually slow down time? Go figure.
So, Sam and Josh sit to each other in French, as well as drama. This seems odd, since Sam always sits to Brooke. Sam and Josh have to pair off to practice their French exercises. They are both terrible at it. Another kooky dream sequence, a la McBeal, ensues. This time, we are taken to a French disco, where (hee hee) everyone wears black berets and Jean-Paul Gaultier striped boatneck T-shirts. I want to hate these sequences, but I can’t. They’re damned funny. Sam and Josh whirl around on a smoky dance floor and speak in sub-titled French, all about sexual tension and romance. A classic disco hit ("More, more, more, how do you like it? How do you like it?") plays, and the two kids get to star in a bunch of Ice Castles fades from pose to pose. Boy, this sure does go on for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they’re sexy, I get it already. This over-long funny bit ends with Brooke’s enormous head filling the screen and calling Sam "Mucky."
Then a phone rings. This wakes Sam up from the nap that she’s taking on a huge Oriental rug. Uh, I guess she transported herself from French class to her house after school. Or, um -- something. I’m learning not to ask these kinds of questions. A man’s voice issues from the phone, talking about clean breasts. Dipshit Sam says, "Is this Josh?" I hate her.
It turns out that it was Little Big Head’s boss at Mr. Cluck’s. Little Big Head was trying to call Sam, see, but before she could even say, "Hello, Sam, gotta go, never mind," her boss starts shouting. Then he hangs up the phone for her, ‘cause her break was over eleven seconds ago. LBH is in trouble for parking the biscuit bin in the wrong place. Damned vegetarians can’t even park a biscuit bin. Her boss wears a rooster hat; mad chicken-vending dogma dribbles from his lips. No wonder the nutty slide-guitar sound effects crank up whenever he’s around. Oh. My. God. LBH just can NOT believe that she has to work in a place like this. Lap it up, you monster. Lap it up.
Cut to a close up of a pink ceramic bowl full of Gummi worms. Of course it’s Carmen, you sillies! Food always means Carmen. She’s narrating a tell-all e-mail about Josh’s boner, in a titillating voice-over. She’s also typing and eating at the same time. Like the big fat pig that we’re supposed to believe she is, Carm drops a worm on the "enter" key on her keyboard, and when our hungry bird dives to retrieve the wayward morsel, she accidentally sends the e-mail to everyone in the school. Can you believe it? Yeah, me neither. Why the hell would she have entered the entire student body’s group address, when she was only planning on sending it to one person? You know, I have to admire this sort of guerrilla plot advancement. Logic be damned, Spock, and full teen ahead!
Cut to another black-and-white sequence of old-school switchboard operators. High-pitched fast-forward talk babbles in the background, the sort of sound that can only mean, "Hark! Gossip’s afoot!" Mary Cherry is in the bathroom, talking on her Nokia phone. She hastily rings off when Brooke runs into the room, followed by Smug Bitch. Mary Cherry gives her a big ol’ Dallas dose of false sympathy, then bails. Brooke locks herself into a stall while Smug Bitch offers to bring her an expert assortment of pills. Fascinating, Captain -- how can she know so much about downers, and still be such an uptight bulldog of a woman? Must be Bio’s special genetic engineering that makes her resistant to anything that would chill her the fuck out. Brooke asks to be left alone. Boy, she sure looks nauseous. I wonder what she wants to do in there all by herself?
Cut to Sam and Little Big Head walking down the hall. LBH is describing her nightmarish first day on the job. As they walk, people keep giving Sam the Sexy Eye. Sam wonders what’s up, but of course LBH is oblivious to anything except her own moral outrage. "Be My Lapdog" is scrawled across Sam’s locker. She figures out right away what’s happened. Harrison approaches cautiously and says that Carmen is looking for Sam.
Cut to Brooke applying make-up in the ever-popular and remarkably clean ladies’ room. Sam busts in looking for Carmen. Brooke says mean things to Sam. Sam says mean things to Brooke. I’m grinding my teeth again. This is more tedious than a tennis match.
Sam is late to Biology class. She drops into her seat, and Carmen starts babbling a wild apology. Then Brooke comes in. She stops at Smug Bitch’s desk and asks her to switch seats. This makes Harrison very happy, since he usually sits by Smug Bitch, but now gets to sit by Brooke. There is a brief descent into wacky music as he moons at Brooke, but fortunately it doesn’t last long. Mary Cherry asks Bio if the "male members of the species" can experience spontaneous erections. Bio gives a long-winded answer that basically means, "Yes, but it’s unlikely." Josh does not look nearly embarrassed enough. Then Smug Bitch calls Sam a slut in front of the whole class, causing Sam to flee in a High Snit. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Mary Cherry singes her eyebrows off in a Bunsen burner flare. Let me reiterate: for no reason. At all.
Cut to Josh, kissing up to Brooke at her locker. He tells Brooke that Sam is lying about The Incident. Then he tries to play it off by saying that his "hormones have been on edge lately." Brooke reminds him that he’s the one who stopped talking to her. To make things right, they decide to do It at 4:20 -- the universal time to get high. I know I’m not the only one to wonder what the hell the writers of the show are trying to tell me here. Am I?
Smug Bitch and a random fellow (now called Creepy Boy) are at their respective lockers. Smug Bitch attacks him, just to stay in shape. After her attack, she bends down and cuts a fart. Fart humor? Oh, man. In order to keep him quiet, she agrees to buy two of his Buttocks Bolos. Buttocks Bolos are ceramic bolo ties, sculpted in the shape of an ass. Really. I don’t have the energy to make fun of this scene.
Later, in the Kim Novak social lounge, Brooke and Smug Bitch interrogate Mary Cherry (who is sitting on my favorite member of the cast, the Rose Settee). Mary Cherry sports a gold headband worthy of Bo Derek (to cover her eyebrows, you know). She protests that she only asked Bio about the erections to prove to everyone that men can pop a stiffy for any and no reason. She then comments that Josh wouldn’t want some "frigid old virgin" anyway, since he’s got Brooke. Brooke snits into her room, I mean, the bathroom stall, at this. SB snaps at Mary Cherry, who snits out of the bathroom. Or so you might think! Smug Bitch goes into the stall with Brooke, who confesses that she and Josh have never done It before. SB is amazed at Brooke’s lie, and remarks that she’s got the date and time of Brooke’s supposed deflowering written down in her Filofax. Why does SB have the intimate details of her best friend’s sex life written down in her day planner? In the stall, sneaky sneaky Mary Cherry has been eavesdropping, and hears the whole thing.
Yeah, kooky music. That’s right. Kooky music makes the students at Kennedy High move in fast motion. Mary Cherry’s cute platform shoes trot crazily down the hall in hilarious fast-forward. Oh, wait -- except for the hilarious part. She runs to the cafeteria and tells everyone she sees that Brooke and Josh are virgins. Everyone is unaccountably fascinated. I am numb with boredom. Someone, please do something interesting soon.
Cut to Sam and Harrison sitting at the Brown table together. Carmen asks if she can join, but she gets the cold shoulder from Sam. Little Big Head brings the Exciting News to the table, and cracks that she’s not surprised, since her Barbie and Ken doll don’t have those parts, either. Hee hee. Harrison is utterly pleased by the News, and does a poor job of concealing it.
After lunch, Josh is in the locker room, bragging about what a Casanova he is. He is speaking into an uncomfortable silence, broken only by Sugar Daddy, who busts him for being a liar, in front of two other guys and everything. Bummer. For some reason, I still feel that this is what Josh gets for wearing sweats in public.
Bow Wow Wow’s "I Want Candy" plays (don’t forget -- bongos = funny) while Brooke and Josh frantically make out. She asks if they can slow down and talk. He says that if they stop to talk, then they’ll never do It, and they’ll be right back at school in the morning in same situation. "Same situation? What situation?" Brooke asks. Josh tells her that everyone knows that they’re virgins. She freaks out and calls Smug Bitch, thus ensuring her chastity for at least the rest of this episode. Phew. Then she kicks Josh out. The door shuts in his stunned face, and . . .
When it opens again, it’s Sam! She’s at the AV room. Josh tells her that he and Brooke just got into a fight, then invites himself in.
Commercial break. I’m tempted to hunt that Finesse shampoo woman down and cut off her hair with a dull knife. Then I would figure out a clever way to kill her and her stupid boyfriend with all those tampons.
Cut to more black-and-white disaster footage, this time of high winds blowing people out of their beds and cars. Josh starts yelling at Sam for ruining his life. He accuses her of telling everyone that he is a virgin, which she denies, adding, "It’s not a crime to be a virgin, Josh." "Not for you. People would expect that," he answers. She is utterly cut. Josh, for once realizing what a jackass he is, apologizes like crazy. Then Sam apologizes for telling Carmen about his erection. He spies a copy of their elementary school yearbook, which Sam has obviously been gooning over. He flips through the pages and reverts back to being a shallow asshole, wondering what ever happened to "all these people." Sam tells him that most of them are going to school right there at Kennedy High. He ignores the implications of this exchange and keeps blundering along. Smug Bitch walks by and spies the two of them sitting together. While she spies, bubbly sound effects are going on, to indicate more mayhem. Ugh. I don’t think I can take any more mayhem.
Meanwhile, at Mr. Cluck’s, Little Big Head is busy trying to educate the patrons about the horrors of the chicken-farming industry. What a dramatic plot twist! What an interesting way to develop her character! Not! Her boss busts her. He tells her that if she wants to keep her job, she has to apologize to the confused customer while eating a piece of chicken. The customer seems like a very nice man, and is understandably uncomfortable with this whole scene. Little Big Head apologizes with utmost insincerity, takes a bite of a drumstick, then spits it out into her hand. I hate Little Big Head, and I always will.
Cut to Harrison, spying down into Brooke’s backyard from his bedroom window. Wasn’t he supposed to live three houses away from her? Why do I even bother to notice these things? Brooke’s house is super nice, complete with a fancy swimming pool. Smug Bitch feeds Brooke tequila, and tells her that she’ll be better off finding a "dishy" senior. Who are these . . . seniors?
In the AV room, Josh and Sam are reminiscing about the good ol’ days, way back in elementary school. Josh keeps referring to people Sam didn’t get to know, and parties to which Sam did not get invited. Sam is visibly uncomfortable every time he mentions one of these things. But, like a good football player, Josh just plows forward, oblivious. He tells a story about when he was trying to practice French kissing on a Snoopy doll, and got the ear caught in his braces. This prompts Sam to say that one time she wrote a poem for a boy she liked, but the teacher caught her and made her read it aloud to the class. Then she had to post it on the bulletin board. What a cruel teacher. None of my teachers were half as mean as that. ["Gee, she must have had Mr. Peterson from Dawson’s Creek." -- Sars] Somehow I get the impression that Sam wrote the poem about Josh, who asks her why she doesn’t give the poem to the guy now. What a dipshit. Then Josh compliments her writing. She nods and smiles uncertainly, completely enthralled. At this point in the show, I take several decongestants, and hope that being high on cold medicine will make this episode more interesting.
Cut to Harrison, still spying on Brooke and Smug Bitch from his window three houses down. Smug Bitch is giving Brooke a makeover to help her feel better. Brooke wonders just who are these people who keep giving her so much grief? Smug Bitch tells her that they are E.S.O.C.s: Eating Stouffer’s Out of the Container. They cackle like the class-ist, shallow pod children they are. Stouffer’s is pretty good right out of the container. ["Word." -- Sars] The girls are both wasted on tequila. Brooke sees Harrison and points him out to SB, who shouts, "Pull the shade, pinhead!" Harrison cringes, and Brooke collapses into giggles. SB then asks Brooke is she can borrow a coat, and she scampers off, leaving Brooke alone to holler up at Harrison in his window. She coyly invites him to come down, and I cringe through the decongestant haze, knowing that this can only spell disaster for my favorite troubled teen.
Cut to Carmen in her hyper-girly bedroom, typing furiously. Sam comes in and sees that she is writing a retraction note to the whole school. After persuading Carmen not to send it, she then thanks Carmen for creating a circumstance in which she would get to spend an hour in the AV room with a buffoonish teenage lummox. She waxes all mushy about Josh, telling Carmen that he’s not at all what they thought he was. Right. He’s even more insensitive and caddish. Perfect, mouth-breather. Just perfect.
Meanwhile, Brooke is bitching to Harrison about Sam, and drops the tidbit that she and Josh have broken up. She asks Harrison if he thinks that Sam is attractive. I don’t know, Brooke, it’s hard to tell because her mouth is always hanging open. Then she asks Harrison if she is more attractive than Sam. Harrison looks heartbreakingly uncomfortable, and refuses to answer. She presses the point, sidling her bony frame close to him, all sexy-like. He says that Sam is his good friend, like a nice boy, then changes the subject by asking what Brooke’s been drinking. Brooke makes a bitter crack about how much everyone likes Sam, then declares that she feels sick.
Cut to Smug Bitch playing in Brooke’s closet. Harrison walks in, half carrying Brooke with him. SB (yawn) says mean things to him, to which he replies that Brooke’s been vomiting. After a brief moment of concern, SB says that she has to run, since she has to scoop melon balls for her mother’s bridge night. Harrison asks if she’s going to drive when she’s so wasted. "Yes, I am, and you can go to hell for asking," she snipes. Not really. We have to give a more positive message to the children than that. "I guess not, Officer Friendly," is what she really says, and then tosses him her keys. She ambles peaceably out the door, presumably to call a cab on her Nokia phone. Brooke begs Harrison to stay with her, and lays her head in his lap and passes out.
Later that night, Little Big Head stands outside Mr. Cluck’s, waiting for her ride. Mom soon arrives, and notices that LBH is upset. Mom asks if she got fired. "No, Mom, I quit." Mom lays into her, and tells her that she needs to have a job. LBH asks if they are broke, and in fact, they are. Wow. Poor people. What a weird concept.
Cut to Sam, drooling over her elementary school yearbook and remembering her French-disco daydream. The camera fades to a shot of Harrison gazing down at a passed-out Brooke. He sees her water glass on the night stand, picks it up, and presses his lip to the mark of her lipstick on the glass. An alt.rock power ballad plays to remind us that this is a Poignant Moment. In spite of itself, it is. (I have to confess that the first time I watched this episode, the Lone Star tallboy in my belly ganged up on me with my serious case of PMS, and I actually got a little teary-eyed here.)
The day at school, Sam and Harrison are walking down the hall together, looking as smug as a pair of cats. Somehow, each knows about the other’s adventures the night before, and they congratulate each other for infiltrating the ranks of the Blondes. They part ways in study hall. Josh greets Sam happily, saying that he nearly called her before school to help him translate a poem into French. At first he says that he wrote the poem, then confesses that they are song lyrics from one of his brother’s albums. What a tool. It’s a wonder this fellow has friends at all, much less that he’s the King of the Blondes. Sam asks him who the lyrics are for. When he says that they are for Someone Special, she bares her gums, I mean, grins in a simulation of shy disbelief.
Cut to Smug Bitch and Brooke standing by the card catalog. SB asks Brooke to check out a book for her, since she has an overdue Cher biography. SB is the biggest queen on the show, now that Mr. Vincent is gone. Maybe she will come out as a big ol’ cross-dresser before the season is over. Brooke thanks Harrison for taking care of her, and for covering for her when her father got home. He assures her that it was no big deal. She thanks him again, gets embarrassed, and runs off. For some reason, this little conversation leaves Harrison grinning like a maniac.
Back at the Sam and Josh table, Sam asks why they’re translating the lyrics into French. Josh says it’s because everything sounds better in French. "I think they’re pretty hot in English," says the ultra-sexy Sam (snarf). Josh is pleased by this pronouncement, and decides to give them to "her" as is. Not just because it’s hard to translate things into another language. That’s not it at all. Really. Sam is all ready to be hit by the love bomb when Josh jumps up and takes the lyrics over to Brooke. Sam and Harrison both watch the couple enviously as they engage in a PDA that would never have been allowed in my high school. Harrison looks like he’s about to cry, and Sam picks up her French book like she wasn’t even looking at Josh and Brooke anyway. An echo-y voice-over drifts through, of the Drama Lady cautioning them against hubris. Just in case you forgot. Which I hadn’t.
After school at Mr. Cluck’s, Sam and Harrison both confess that each really thought they had a chance with the Blondes. Little Big Head mysteriously foists packets of relish on them, then runs back to the counter. I guess she rescinded her resignation. It’s a wonder they hired her back. I wouldn’t. Sam takes off Harrison’s hat and tells him that his haircut looks really sweet. They both laugh, and then notice that the wind has died down. She looks around, and sees Brooke and Josh walking down the street together, then sees Little Big Head cleaning a glass display case. Um, I guess this means that things have returned to normal? I sure do wish that an indie rock crooner would sing some meaningful line about having made it through the troubled times, just for good measure. Hey, here comes an indie rock guy now! Phew! Okay, I feel totally comfortable assuming that hijinks and mayhem are things of the past. Thanks, Indie Rock Guy!