So, it's the last episode. It's your last time to share and cry and hate these girls with me. So we get a full hour to do it this time. Oh, joy.
Ana Maria says that every time they think about the upcoming concert, they get excited because their families are going to be there.
Nicole is now completely asleep as she tells us that she can't wait to perform in front of her friends and her family: "And just let it all out. Everything that we've worked hard for in the past months."
Luckily I have a No Recapping Rosanna rule instated here. She basically says, "I'm living something that I never expected to live, ever." Okay, so I totally recapped her sentence, but it was dumb enough that I had no choice.
Ivette gets very preachy on us, using the Pinched Fingers of Driving Home An Attempt At A Point and says that when the music starts and they start dancing there's some sort of "magic" that happens. I suppose so. The magic of lip-synching.
Maile says she knows she's going to have a big smile on her face when she gets onstage at the Palace. And then she names the other members of Eden's Crush for us to prove that she's been studying the names of the other girls so that she doesn't just keep referring to them as "bitches."
We're told that the girls will rehearse at the Palace and that their families will be there to see them. Rosanna says something about dreams that I'm not recapping.
In a split screen, Right-Side Maile is dancing and singing the Spanish-English number while Travis sasses around her, and Left-Side Maile is telling us that she's nervous. She then tells us that they have a lot of work to do, so that we have some sort of sympathy for her. They have to get their costumes done. They have to run "at least a couple tech rehearsals." Since when are these things her concern? "I am very nervous," she tells us, like she's the one who holds this group together.
The narrator: "The concert will consist of a series of songs from their CD." As opposed to the concert they had originally scheduled, where they just took off all their clothes and spilled paint on each other. I'm so glad this narrator is almost gone from my life. I hope he's fired season. Travis is back to choreograph the songs. He's wiggling around, pointing, holding a pen, but we can't hear him over the narrator and some audio of a song playing on a jambox in the rehearsal room. The girls dance without lip-synching this time. Ana Maria holds a pen up to her mouth so that she never loses the all-important "keep the elbow bent so they can hear me sing" rule. The girls are dancing in spiked heels. We watch Travis give the girls a dance movement that involves him groaning the word "ooh," over and over again as they wave their hands in the air. Nicole is lip-synching the hell out of her part. Her eyes are closed, her diva arm is up, and her hand is holding that pen like the best dick of her life.
The girls are stretching on the floor as Travis receives an "unexpected" phone call. He brings his cell phone over and the girls stand in a group. The cell phone has an amazing speaker system and all of them can hear. It's Barbara and Stephanie from London Sire. The woman on the phone says, "Number one in the country. Number one at The Wiz. Number one at Virgin." Rosanna looks up and squints, thinking, "What's a virgin?" The woman blah-blahs on about more number ones and says that the single is the highest they've ever had in sales on a debut single. I find this hard to believe. Maybe they just mean at Tower Records. The girls scream and jump. Cut to Nicole telling us that they have to rehearse. Travis jumps in front of the camera and beams, "Good answer!"
The narrator tells us that "the stakes are much higher" now that they know people know who they are. Travis has both arms in the air, dancing for his life. Nicole is still lip-synching like it's something impressive.
"But of course it's not all work." Narrator. Please. Shut. Up. The girls are sitting at a long table, reading the résumés and head shots of their possible male back-up dancers. Flashback to the girls entering the audition room. "Hi, everybody!" Nicole shouts to no one. "Look what we're gonna do," Ivette says like she's Rosie Perez for some reason. Ana Maria says they're going to look at "all the boys dancing" and pick five or six. She admits that she has no idea what they're supposed to do, but they get to look at boys, so it doesn't matter. As Ana Maria tells us how amazed she is to see so many men in the room, behind her Nicole has already gotten to work. She's embracing some boy and whispering in his ear. Ivette is holding on to some boy with curly hair. Travis has dressed down for the occasion and is wearing a sweatshirt. I can't believe it. When the boys show up, he gets grubby.
The boys stretch and eye each other up, making plans for later on that evening.
The girls stare at plates of food, wondering what they're supposed to do with them. Travis welcomes the boys and thanks them for coming. Two of the boys look back at Travis and give the eyebrows that say, "No. Thank you." Travis sweeps his arm over the girls and says, "This is Eden's Crush." The girls wave and smile, as if they have a chance with any of these men. The camera shows several shots of terrified boys as Travis says they're going to be casting men to dance behind Eden's Crush at the concert. Oh, he took off that sweatshirt, by the way. Now it's a black zippie sleeveless number.
Unnecessary shot of Maile making a pouty face. Travis moves the men into a line. The narrator says this is an "ironic twist," now that the girls are the ones on the other side of the casting table. Like the last time when they picked the boys for their video? Right. Ivette holds food near her mouth, but she doesn't eat anything. Travis leans down between the girls, as if they have a say in the matter. Travis is running around the men, touching them on the shoulder to say they've been cut. The narrator says that the girls are looking for boys with dancing ability and "for those who will complement their already established style and sensibility." Their who in the what, now?
Rosanna put her accent back on because she's wearing a puffy black jacket. "Understand..." Oh, wait. There's no recapping of Rosanna. She tells us that all of the boys are their types. Ana Maria says that they're awesome at the same time. Nicole makes a noise like, "Nuhweh." I love that these girls think the men might actually be interested in them. Nicole says that this is "nerve-wracking" and that she doesn't want to cut anyone.
The boys have to dance to Eden's Crush songs, which I'm assuming they weren't prepared for. There's a look of pain on each boy's face. The girls are flipping through the head shots. Rosanna makes a grossed-out face and admits that she's actually looking for "ability." Not that I'm recapping her, but I love that Maile's staring at Rosanna here thinking, "Sure you are, babe."
Travis very slowly, quite lovingly pats two men on their shoulders to cut them.
Someone is taking notes that include "Red shirt," "Blonde hair," "Long hair," and "bald grey shirt -- sex." You know, to be specific.
The boys clap and dance. The girls watch and groove to their own song.
Someone let Damon Wayans audition. He's got his necklace taped to his shoulder so it doesn't put out his eye while he dances.
Ana Maria tells us that she has to keep a straight face because she doesn't want one boy to see her get excited over another.
The boys keep dancing. Some can dance, some can't. One wears a Sex Pistols shirt. Maile stares with her mouth open, propping her face on her fist. Nicole is too busy dancing to her own voice to pay attention. Travis lets Damon Wayans and a few others go. The boys keep dancing to "No Drama" as the girls watch and Travis makes noises off-camera.
Some guy has decided to take matters into his own hands. He jiggles up to the table where only Nicole is sitting and thrusts his penis at her a few times. She screams as Travis lets out a shriek of jealous rage. Maile leans in to protect Nicole if necessary. Applause.
The girls are fighting over the head shots. Ivette is trying to grab a head shot out of Nicole's hand. "No, no, no. He's my baby," she says. "Like, twelve years ago I called him," Nicole smiles. Ivette says she called him the minute she saw him.
Pan over five head shots as Travis asks whether the girls are happy with their selections. Where are the names on these head shots? The girls say they are happy and someone claps her hands. The narrator has to recap by telling us that the girls have rehearsed "their moves" and selected "their leading men." I wish I had a face for this guy. We see black and white clips of the five men who've been selected. Penis Pusher was one of the lucky ones. The others are all in their thirties, or do way too many drugs.
Finally, someone has shrunk the girls down into one-inch pieces of paper so you can slam them in a book. Dammit, it's just a model, but for a second I was really really happy. I love this: the set designer has to have a "meeting" with the girls so that they can see what the stage is going to look like. We get the press release for Brian Murphy, who designed the set, but I bet you care just as much about this guy as I do, so I won't bother transcribing his credentials. The girls are all sitting in a circle staring at the ground and the walls like they've been stuck in a calculus class. Maile has her arms crossed over her chest and she's sort of playing with her shoe. Nicole has worn her stupid hat and is barely awake. Ana Maria is writing a letter to someone. Rosanna drinks coffee to try to stay awake. I guess no one bothered to tell Ivette there was a meeting. Brian lifts the back screen to show the scrim that's going to play clips from the show at the beginning of the concert. The girls make "that's cool" noises like they're supposed to. Oh, there's Ivette. She's thinking, "Why is my tiny paper butt bigger than all of the other girls' tiny paper butts? He hates me. I miss my family." Brian says that the scrim will go back down, which will cue the smoke and then the music. Ana Maria smiles and Maile makes the "well, he might be good" nod. Brian says that, through the smoke and the music, the girls will "magically" appear. On our television screen, that magic is done using a complicated combination of stop-action photography and paper dolls on sticks. However will they do it live? Rosanna points at the model as the narrator tells us that the girls approve. Okay.
Now we have to watch the crew build the set. I have to admit that this is just as exciting as the time we watched them record "Good For the Gander." Build, you crazy set designers! Build! Weld! Measure! Wear funny helmets! Staple! Screw! Ooh, look at the sparks coming from that noisy machine! Listen to the sounds they've put over y'all working even though they don't match the tools you're using. Who cares? You're using big strong tools! Lift heavy curvy pieces of wood! Do it! Yeah!
What has happened to my life?
The girls have been ushered into another studio. Apparently enough time has passed that there's no way they all remember how to harmonize anymore, so they need to learn how to sing again. Jason is a vocal arranger. I don't care about his credentials. Jaymes goes on bragging about him anyway. She tells us that (wait a minute. What the hell is Jaymes doing here all of a sudden? Aren't we done with her?) Jason first listened to the album and could tell which girl was singing what part. Isn't that amazing? Jaymes hasn't even bothered to pull her cell-phone headset off her head to give this "interview" with us. The girls rehearse "Get Over Yourself," which, of all the songs, I'm pretty sure they've got down. Even I can do Nicole's part by now.
As the girls sing, Maile tells us in a split-screen that it's not easy to sing live. Why is it always Maile teaching us the ways of the world? I wish she'd have just stayed on her yeast-infection commercial. At least, there, maybe she could have taught me something I didn't know. She whines that "it's hard" to dance and sing at the same time. She says it's something that she's going to have to get used to. You think? She says they'll lose their voices if they don't train them.
The girls sit in a circle and listen to Nicole tell them how to sing. Thanks, Nicole. You're a real peach.
"Later in the week, the girls receive a special surprise." I wonder if it's the narrator's head in a FedEx bag. No, it's just some fan mail. I can't figure out anything that they're saying anymore because their voices have hit an incredible pitch that makes my jaw vibrate. Nicole holds up an empty envelope saying something about someone sending them an envelope and how sweet that is. I want Nicole's drugs. The girls keep reading letters from nine-year-olds, holding up pictures that the fans sent or drawings they made, and the narrator tells us that the girls are starting to realize "the scope" of their "celebrity." I guess he means that they realize they only appeal to pre-teens. "They are truly pop stars." They cue the Harpsichord of Celebrity Introspection. Travis reads his fan mail and coos.
The girls walk out of the house. Rosanna says something I won't recap, but ends her sentence with, "okaaaaaaaaay?" so I hate her more now.
The girls are at the palace, seeing the set for the first time. Tonight's "Best Line" award goes to someone off-camera, but I'm pretty sure it's Nicole: "It looks just like the model, but bigger!" Brilliant. The narrator tells us that the Hollywood Palace will always be remembered by Eden's Crush "as the home of their very first concert." Except for that concert they did last week. Ignore that. The girls walk around all shocked that there's actually a stage in that building. Nicole blisses out with her arms outstretched screaming, "Oh, my God! This is so...beautiful!" Maile instantly makes an ass-face. She says the lights are really good. "There is your disco ball!" Ivette shouts. I think she might have said that model line earlier, now that I think about it. The disco ball is about one foot in diameter, and is hanging about seven thousand feet above the center of the dance floor. Rosanna screams into the camera, "I love it!"
The girls are rehearsing, which at least means I don't have to hear their squeals and screams except when they're in the songs. They have some dance move that involves raising their arms over their heads, rubbing their boobs with one hand, and then jutting their asses out to the side. Mom will be so proud. Rosanna has opened up her blouse so that her bra is showing. She's tied the blouse just under her bra. Classy. The narrator reminds us that this is the night before the show, so we remember that this is a "rehearsal." The background dancers are lumbering around behind them, wondering when they're going to learn any dance moves. Nicole seems to be incapable of singing unless her right hand is up in the air. In a split screen, Rosanna says something I won't recap about how she's able to perform better on a stage with lights. She also says the word "energy" again.
Rosanna's family walks into the building, but she doesn't know they're there. They seem a bit shocked, since Rosanna has opened up her blouse so that her entire torso is exposed. Rosanna finishes her song like a good girl and then sees her family. She jumps around and acts surprised. Her family looks back and smiles. Squealing and applause kick off the Piano of Family Reuniting. Rosanna hugs everyone, giggling and making the same shocked, not-crying face. She acts like each time she goes in for a hug she's just now noticing that person is there. She has to go back on stage, though, so the family is shoved over to a corner where they see their girl slutting around for the first time. The narrator tells us that after the break they'll put some finishing touches on the concert and someone is going to be burned by fireworks. And the moment when the fireworks burn someone and you just hear, "Ow!" is the funniest moment in this show's history. Thanks, Popstars, for giving me that.
Oh, man. They got DJ Skribble to announce the girls every time they come back from a costume change. How lame. You know if Skrib's there, you're seeing some bunk shit. The narrator makes it sound like Skribble came down out of the kindness of his heart to help rehearse "the most dangerous part" of the show. Yeah. He yells into our camera that we must "give it up for Eden's Crush." The girls stand still in the dark for a second. The music starts up. Fireworks explode behind them. The girls are still and then Rosanna moves over and touches her head. "Ow!" someone shouts. Nicole licks the embers and shouts, "It's like God's little fireplace! Everyone, come dance with the faeries!" Ivette runs away from her place on the stage.
Cut to a sobbing Ivette on the front of the stage. People are surrounding her like you're supposed to when a diva goes down. "It hit me on the butt," someone says. Dammit, that's funny. Ivette keeps crying quietly and nodding as people ask whether she got hit. The truth is she got scared, but she's just going to act like it's too dangerous to have fireworks behind her head. She shows some part of her body that got scalded. They tell her that it was just a piece of cardboard that hit her, and nothing that was on fire. Ivette wipes her tears. Maile laughs and smiles and cheers because seeing her bandmates almost burst into flames is the best thing that's ever happened to her. I agree with Maile, and rewind the tape to watch the girls catch on fire five more times. So. Much. Fun. The narrator tells us that all of the girls are just fine, and we see all of them clapping and having a great time, including Ivette.
"The show must go on." I put "Narrator" at the top of my "Things I Hate" list. Costume change and the girls are singing again.
The narrator tells us that "weeks of intense rehearsing" have "taken its [sic] toll" on the girls. We see shots of Maile and Ana Maria pulling back their hair, which means that they are tired. Nicole looks like she's about to pass out. "The constant strain of singing has caused Nicole to hit a different kind of roadblock." Different than the "needs her fix" roadblock they're all used to. Cut to Nicole freaking out because she can't hit a certain high note anymore. She opens her mouth, spreads her arms diva-wide like she's performing, and this horrible screech comes out of her mouth. "Nothing comes out," she lies. I start to giggle. "If I'm not gonna hit that, what am I going to do?" she asks some roadie, who's like, "I don't know. Can I touch your boobies?"
Cut to Maile standing to Nicole, placing her hand on her shoulder. Maile is holding her own throat, showing off that she can hit the note while Nicole still screeches around. I assume this is the same noise a dolphin makes when it gets stuck on land. She frantically motions to her throat and asks, "You hear?" Yes, girl. We all hear. Even God wants you to shut up now. Maile tries to get her to stop talking, but Nicole's arms diva up and she keeps making whale noises. It's hysterical. This is the best episode ever. Everyone rushes in to tell her to shut up and to not stress her voice anymore. Maile tells Nicole not to sing anymore tonight. I wish she had said "ever."
"Will the girls be able to keep it together for the show?" the narrator is the only one still asking questions. The girls run around in these little gold Fosse numbers as Travis tells us that he's thinking the girls aren't going to feel "all that confident yet." He says that the girls are nervous because they've never rehearsed in front of an audience before. Unlike when they rehearsed in front of Regis. Or Sam Goody. Whatever. We watch a split screen of the girls sitting on stools to sing as Travis rationalizes that everyone adapts to things at different paces.
The girls are asleep in their van on the way home. Ah, blissful silence.
But not for long. "Good morning!" puffy-faced Maile is smiling at us before she slams a door in the camera's face. Someone runs by in a towel. Nicole is in bed, but she's already wearing makeup to smile at the camera. She covers her face with the sheets and laughs. Rosanna and Ana Maria are already excited. Rosanna stands in a towel to tell us how happy she was when she woke up, but I'm still not recapping her unless she takes off that towel. And the one she's got wrapped around her head. Rosanna loves the words "you know what I mean?"
Ana Maria, without makeup and wearing a kimono, tells us that she knows her family is already on a plane from Miami. She's happy.
Ivette is still in bed. The narrator says that Nicole and Ivette aren't as excited about today. That'll be the drugs, sir. Ivette barely lifts her head from the sheets to say, "I feel a little tired." She coughs and pouts. "And right now my throat's a little scratchy." But she's still wearing makeup in her bed, people. That's a good whore.
Nicole checks her cell phone from bed and tells us that it's 8:48 and they're supposed to leave in an hour and she has "a hundred things to do." But not until the camera leaves so she can inject heroin into her labia. Oh, come on. Like you don't.
The girls get into the van. They sit and chat for us. In a split screen, Maile tells us that she was nervous: "But I was anticipating getting there." Maile loves to over-enunciate every word like it's so important that it ends up sounding like she just hates the constant repetition of having to breathe in and out every single day.
The girls stand in front of the Palace and point to one of their posters hanging on the wall. I have to say, yesterday morning I drove past an Eden's Crush poster hanging on a building on my street and I almost wrecked my car.
The girls pose inside the theater around a stairwell until a stagehand comes to tell them what they need to do. She says that their wardrobe is still getting "adjusted," so they're going to go to hair and makeup. Ivette walks through a hallway and points at a sign that says "Makeup and Hair." And this is what I just did with two minutes of my life instead of learning something valuable or sharing a special moment with someone I love. This is why my life will never be as fulfilling as I want it to be. Because I spend hours every week with five bitches that don't know my name, don't care about me, and have never bothered to read. Why am I lonely? You tell me, Ivette.
Ivette is getting her hair done, and tells us that she's getting it done for "a little wild, wild thing." She doesn't bother telling us what the hell she's talking about, though. The girls continue putting on their own makeup as the stagehand tells them they have five minutes. She also calls them "ladies," so you really can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth. Clearly, she'll say anything. She says everyone's going to the "Red Room" to put their "ears and headsets on."
Cut to the girls with new ears and headsets rehearsing on stage. A cameraman follows them around as they sing "Good For the Gander." The music stops because Nicole has a problem. "What pose are you doing?" she asks Maile. "Pose?" Maile shouts, like she's never heard of a pose. She dances. She moves. She organically creates. But she never, ever poses. She's not a bunny. Maile snaps her head around and juts her hip out as one arm flaps over her head and threatens to smack herself in the face. Nicole's spine has given up at this point and her body is just curled around itself. She's got rollers in her hair and her eyes are only staying open because the headset is really tight. She calls over "Miss Stacy," Travis's assistant. She's all, "Um, Miss Stacy? Can you just look at a pose for me to do now, because this is taken [right arm over head], and now this is taken [left arm over head], so, and I don't know what the other girls are doing." Bitch.
While Miss Stacy has to deal with Miss Thang, the fans outside are already starting to line up. They kick out the red astroturf, so you know this joint is classy. Close up on the red tickets that say "Eden's Crush." Someone's talking about how holding tickets should be their "first priority."
A poor unfortunate mother says that they have been there for four hours. And who has a concert at 6:30, anyway? It's like they're in line to see Jem.
A girl shows off her puffy vest. She'd printed out black-and-white pictures from the Popstars website and glued them to the pockets. These fans make me sad.
Some girl is paid to say that Eden's Crush is filled with talented and gorgeous girls and she's very excited to be there.
A fed-up mother makes the Nixon sign with her hands.
Another girl applauds.
A group of Asian teens are paid to say that Nicole is really cool. One girl says that she watches the show every night. The girl to her winces and corrects her. "Every Friday night," she says, and the others are like, "Right. Friday night. The show is totally on Fridays."
Do you understand this sentence? "They're like older, you know? They're not, like, like us. I mean, we, like, look up to them, you know what I mean? They, like, help us get through stuff."
More screaming as the "fans" are paid to hold hand-painted signs and scream, "You rock!" Some guy shouts, "Rosanna, will you marry me?" Lord.
Pink eye-shadow and braces says she's very excited because she watches the show every week. She loves seeing them.
A girl says that "Get Over Yourself" is a very "empowering" song to women. She says it's her theme song.
They're starting to repeat fans now and the girls that were holding signs earlier are now being forced to sing parts of the song. One sort of blah-blahs through the words and then admits that she doesn't really know how the song goes.
Cut to another crowd of girls that doesn't know the song. Everyone knows the "oh" part, but that's it. One girl's all, "If blee coo blue swide! Oh!"
Another girl tries to sing "Get over yourself, goodbye," but can't do it with a straight face. She starts laughing and runs away from the camera.
The girls are back in hair and makeup. Because you care. Four people stand around Maile, brushing her hair, applying makeup and crap and she goes, "This is all very nice. But do I deserve it all? I'm just Maile." And that ain't no lie.
Porn music plays as Ana Maria gets some crazy slut-glitter eyes done. She asks if the audience will even be able to see the makeup around her eyes. They tell her that no one will be able to tell. "Oh, no," she says as she bats her eyelashes.
Rosanna says something about this all suddenly feeling real. Do you see why I'm sparing you from any more quotes about her?
Ivette has snuck out the back and found her family waiting in line outside. She's in her kimono and makeup, hugging her sister. Hee! Ivette's creepy little grandmother cracks me up. Number One Dad is back again, but this time he's wearing a new hat. It says "Jessica and Ivette's DAD." In that order, folks. Ivette says she's nervous and then tells the others that they'd better not make her cry. In a split screen, Ivette eats and says that she's really excited her family is here because now it feels "more real" to her.
We meet Ivette's mother for the first time. Her name is Maritza Inverno. She says she's going to cry when she sees Ivette up there. Join the fucking club, Mitzi. She starts crying and asks them to stop filming her. Ivette's dad hugs her and kisses her forehead. Aw, y'all. He really is number-one dad. Remember back when Ivette found out she made it and he was all crying immediately because he'd watch his daughter lose her innocence right then and there? I wish Ivette's dad had his own show.
Ivette's dad is greeting other girls' families waiting in line. Leila Tavarez, Rosanna's mother, is getting the "no recap" treatment here as well. She says that this is a big night for her. Omar (is that a shout-out?), Rosanna's brother has L.A.'ed himself out for this big premiere. He tells us through his sunglasses that he can't believe his sister is a popstar.
Nicole's mother, Rosemary, tells us this is the most exciting day of her life. Poor Rosemary doesn't get out much, I guess. Ke'ala, Nicole's sister, has her arms crossed as she blahs about how proud she is of her sister. She does mention that everyone in her school talks about Nicole all the time. I wonder if Ke'ala knows about the recaps. Ke'ala, girl, if you're reading, I'm sorry you have to put up with all of that crap all the time. Ke'ala snots that everyone at her school talks about how pretty her sister is. Poor Ke'ala.
Deborah Lombo looks like Wendy Malick. She says that they're all really happy and that the entire Lombo family has showed up to support Ana Maria.
Roland and Lynne Misajon look like they just got back from Knotts Berry Farm to see this "little show" their girl is putting on. Roland points at the poster amazed that he can see that much of his little girl's flesh. He touches her vagina and says, "That's our girl! That's our girl!" Yeah, it's only creepy when you have to analyze it like I do. He says he can't believe all of the screaming fans. Neither can we, Ro. They're only screaming until the paychecks stop coming.
Aaron and Kevin Misajon are also here to support Maile. Funny she hasn't mentioned her family once this whole time. Aaron says that Maile's worked so hard all of her life to get here (or on another commercial or as an extra in a bad family drama) and now that she's here it's "overwhelming." Kevin has nothing to add.
Inside the dressing room, Ivette says it's time for them to get dressed.
Ana Maria's hair isn't done, but she tells us that she doesn't have "any nerves whatsoever." She then asks if that's a bad thing.
Wailing over in the corner like Sybil with a buttonhook, Nicole is attempting that high note again. I can't tell if she's even hitting it or not, since humans don't hear that pitch. She tells us in a voice-over that her voice came back because she prayed. We see Nicole screech and then make the sign of the cross. Screech again. The Lord comes down and says, "Nicole. If you don't shut up soon I'll have to smite you." Nicole tells us that she's done everything she can do at this point.
Bitchy Maile's on a rampage. As someone sews behind her, she moves her microphone and brats to us, "My costume is still not done! They have to cut it, and get rid of the sash and there's a lot to be done here and they've got about an hour, folks. Let's see what happens, huh?" She then walks away from the woman still holding a needle and thread. What an ass.
Fans outside all hold banners made with the same three colors of paint and the same handwriting. Cut to "old friends from the Popstars auditions." Well, it's the "old friends" that live in L.A.. It's Garland, Cheaza, Margaux, and Katie. Garland talks like this is a video tribute we're filming for the girls after they graduate: "It's like a big reunion. And I wish all you girls the best of luck." And Garland, if you're going to keep wearing pink and white striped tie-dyed tank tops under leopard-print spandex scoop shirts, I wish you nothing but the best of luck when you pick up your trick on the corner of Hollywood and Vine tonight.
Cheaza has lost the crazy hair, but she also lost her bra in the process. Ikette nipples galore. She also talks like the girls are going far away: "You guys, I so wish you the luck. I know you're gonna do wonderful. It's gonna be a blessed year, and we're just so happy for you guys." Cheaza looks around for another girl to agree with her, but it's strangely silent.
Margaux, who is so happy with her decision to get out while she could, is beaming. "I wish them the best. I know these girls are so super-talented. No regrets whatsoever. You guys have the perfect group. They're gonna be huge. I'm so excited just to see them tonight." Margaux then collapses in a corner and begs the Lord to forgive her for the series of lies she just had to tell.
Keeping her composure and not allowing herself to scream, "I was motherfucking, ass-licking robbed," Shaunda says: "It feels wonderful. I'm happy to see my girls doing their thing. I'm so excited to see the show [to prove to myself that I really was the best one and I would have just been pulled back by these sorry-ass skanks]."
A nine-year-old boy walks into the Palace with a smile that clearly reads, "Bring on the boobies, baby!" The staff puts a million yellow wristbands on the minors walking in. One girl looks at us like, "So busted. My sister is gonna be hella pissed when she finds out I got her ID confiscated." Some girl fake cheers. We see the outside of the Palace, which looks like there are lots of people lined up to see the show, but I know that it's really the line to see The Lion King door at the Pantages. Shot of the all-important beam of light that lets the astronauts know that a party is going down tonight.
Hyphentwins: activate! Jennifer gets her moment in the sun, and she speaks quickly since Jaymes is giving her the stink-eye: "We found these girls, you know, in each different cities [sic]. We didn't know if this was gonna come together. We didn't know how successful it was gonna be. We didn't even know if they would get, even get along. And, um, here we are." "Here we are," Jaymes interrupts. "It's all happening," Jennifer says. Jaymes takes over here to say how amazed she is that her brother could afford all of these fans to see a free concert.
Cut to a line of people shouting, "Eat his crotch! Eat his crotch!" Now an entire audience puts their arms in the air and shouts, "Eat his crotch!"
The show's about to start, so it's time for the prayer circle. You know the girls are ready because they're wearing hardly anything at all. The Hyphentwins and St. Elmo show up to shake hands with the girls. But St. Elmo only shakes Travis's hand. St. Elmo says, "Congratulations." Nicole takes his hand and says, "Thank you." She leans in to kiss St. Elmo and he does a quick turn of his head so she only gets his cheek. I'm sure it's not what he usually makes her do, so she's probably surprised. She's all, "When do we play 'Tickle Me Elmo' again? And 'St. Elmo hides the 'ludes'? I'm bored, baby. And I've been naughty. I need some punishment and some fun. Remember how I blew my voice the other night? They totally almost figured out it was from you." He tells them that they're beautiful, have a hit single, and "probably" a hit album. Snotty Maile interrupts here with, "Probably," like she's all, "Thanks for the dis right before we go onstage, asshole." St. Elmo just keeps talking right over her, saying "that ain't no bad thing," even though Maile's like, "Well, that's better than telling us we totally suck. We only probably don't suck." Y'all. He said, "And that ain't no bad thing." Jaymes says they saw them in rehearsal so they know the girls are going to do "just great." Ivette thanks her. St. Elmo raises his Discipline Finger and says, "And if you don't...you'll be hearing from me." Ivette and Nicole do the "he so crazy!" laugh because they like it when he's bad to them. Rosanna immediately crinkles her face at the horrible memory. Maile juts her jaw out and says, "We know." She hates him. Score one for Maile. Rosanna points at St. Elmo, turns to us, and says, "And he is not kidding, either!" Travis puts an arm around Nicole to hold her up. He sees that Nicole has started involuntarily licking her lips in a circle and is trying to pull her away from the camera's view.
We leave that uncomfortable moment to see the crowd waiting for the show again.
Prayer circle. The girls stand with Miss Stacy, the dancing boys, some stagehands and...now, what? Travis, what the hell are you doing, boy? Are you in the show? No? Then why the hell are you all made up and in costume like you're about to go onstage? That is the saddest thing I've ever seen. He's got this black stripe over his eye like all of the other boys and he's clutching hands with the girls and bouncing up and down in glee. I bet he's just waiting backstage for the drugs to kick into Boy 4 so he can take over in a moment of heroism and save the day. The narrator tells us that this was the girls' idea so they can have "one last moment of reflection." Judging from the half-hour that's left in this damn thing, clearly there are going to be hundreds more "last moment"s.
Nicole flips her head up to the heavens, cracks her eyes open like Macy Gray, and says, "I'd just like to thank you, Lord, so much for all the beautiful blessings." She says she's "proud" and "honored" to be in that room with "beautiful four girls." Nicole tries to cry here, but she's run out of fluids. The girls all nod and start "Amen"-ing to get Nicole to stop embarrassing herself. The girls all wish each other a good show and one of the male dancers shouts, "Have fun!" because he so wishes he was in on this thing from the beginning. They all scream and throw their hands into the air.
The crowd cheers.
Someone is still sewing Maile's back as she turns and snots, "I'm nervous." Ivette says she is, too, and that it's okay. Somewhere in the background, off-camera, David Lynch's midget is chanting: "Don't be nervous. They love you." Why does Rosanna always get the ugliest clothes? She's dressed up like a Flamenco dancer. Ivette says again that she's nervous and starts dancing in place. Rosanna and Ivette go crazy-screechy on me with the "no, you're not!" "Yes, I am!" "No, you're not!" "But everything's gonna be okay!" "You're just happy!" "Mnninninhihni!" "Mnemimimhnnnihnn!" I sneer so hard that my lip catches on my eye.
More cheering outside and I think it might be footage from the Australian version of the show.
Inside, Nicole grabs Ivette's arm with the most amount of emotion I've seen in weeks. She says, very quietly like she's Cleo on ER, "I love you." Ivette gets solemn and says back, "I love you." Ana Maria is clueless to this lesbian love moment that so many boys have been waiting for and cheers in, "I love you guys!" Ivette goes to hug Ana Maria, saying she loves her too and then whispering into her ear feverishly, "Save me from her. Last time she twisted my titties so hard I thought my tongue was going to fall out of my mouth." Rosanna tells Maile that she loves her. Maile shuts down her body completely to execute the closest thing she's capable of that resembles a hug.
A tiny girl chants while holding either an oxygen mask or a motorcycle helmet. Either way, what the hell?
The girls walk through the green room one more time towards the stage. Rosanna is pumped even though she looks like a moron in those sleeves. The narrator tells us that, after the break, the girls will finally have this concert they've been hyping for a week.
Oh, man. Only half an hour left. And then: peace.
Oh, man. Britney gets Pepsi. Christina gets Coke. *NSYNC gets McDonalds. Backstreet Boys get Burger King. What does 98° get? Herbal Essences. That's so damn sad.
Now, the Baby Bottle Pop is funny for a number of reasons. Here goes. Reason number one: they've finally figured out who watches this show: very young kids who would like candy that's shaped like a bottle for a baby that you dip the top into for this Fun Dip type of powder and then you suck like a tiny boy dick. Reason number two: there are boys sucking this thing just as happy as the girls, even though the commercial is supposed to be some sort of battle of the sexes. Reason number three: one of the girls can't stop staring at the camera, even though they're not supposed to look at us. Reason number four: I kind of like these candies. Don't tell anybody.
The girls are walking onstage. DJ Skribble is blown up on the scrim as the audience goes wild. He asks the audience a few times if they're "ready." He introduces himself as "DJ Skribble, straight out of MTV." So sad. Skrib tells everyone in the audience to watch the screen for a "special treat." The audience is obediently quiet. He tells them that they have a "little recap" of the show for them. Hey, Skrib, perhaps you should leave the recapping to me.
This recap, by the way, is something we've already seen. I've been recapping this recap for twelve episodes now. For the last time, let's do it again. "It began as a dream for thousands of girls." Blonde girl tells us she's nervous. Shots of girls auditioning in a four-screen shot. The two blondes tell us they're "ready to go." Bea and her lucky tube top say, "Superstah!" Girls stand in line. Shiny Happy Kelly holds her hands. Girls sing in a group while they wait for their turn. A girl we've never seen before gets cut. JuanapeaMariah and her bad eyeshadow still can't sing that song. They cut to Shaunda singing the shit out of "I Will Always Love You" and the crowd goes nuts. Everyone knows she was robbed. So many shots of girls making the initial callbacks, including Hatchet Face. "All My Life" girl breaks down for us again. Cobra Stage Mom is outraged that her daughter didn't make it. Again.
Quick flash of "Day Two" auditions, showing shots of Cheaza, Christina, and some other girls we never saw. Then we see quick shots of the remaining one hundred hugging and dancing. Fucking Alexis and her snot-face tell us how badly she wants this dream. Oh, man. I was just over this girl. Now I'm all angry again.
Cut to the L.A. workshop, and the crowd cheers again. Roger Love sings with Camille. Hey, remember that "You Know I Can" song? What happened to that? Garland cries. Alexandra gives one last tearful headshake. She complains about everybody making it so difficult again. You know, they thought they cut Alexandra, but they still got her with Ivette. Alexis cries. Camille cries. Shaunda cries on Ivette's shoulder, talking about how much she gives and gets nothing in return. The Corrs start singing as we see shots of the first six getting cut. I can't even remember some of their names anymore. Then we see the five getting cut, including Nikki, Alexis, Scarytwin, Garland and Cheaza. Cheaza cries out in the hallway, going on about how she never succeeds in anything.
Cut to the final fifteen auditioning at the ("world famous") Viper Room.
Cut to the last ten as the crowd cheers again. The narrator gives a quick mention of two dropping out (without even mentioning their names or their reasons) and we cut to Maile's audition. We see lots of girls we've never seen before as the judges watch them dance. I can spot at least five girls in this quick scene that probably would have been better than Maile. Then the narrator tells us that the five girls were finally chosen and we have to hear their full names and see their faces again.
Cut to the girls crawling on the floor as the narrator tells us they've had "months of hard work." Ana Maria sleeps as the narrator says they've had "months of sleepless nights." Cut to the girls freaking the hell out about Plus One. The narrator says they've had months of "boundless joy and intense pressure." We see the same shot we've seen sixteen times of Maile rubbing her temples.
Cut to a line of girls waiting to audition as they cue Narrator Sound Cue #1: "What began as a dream for thousands of girls..." Cut to Eden's Crush posing for their poster shoot. "...is a dream come true for five." He goes on about their "spirit and energy and drive" as we see them jumping on a bed for some photo shoot we never saw.
Ivette stands against a wall crying: "To all those girls who have a dream. It'll come true. You just have to pretty panda." That's what it sounded like she said, anyway. There was a lot of spit covering her mouth at the time, so I'm not sure.
Cut of the crowd watching the screen again as the narrator continues: "Tonight. It all comes together for the biggest night of their lives." Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take over the scrim as the crowd goes crazy again.
The crowd cheers as DJ Skribble announces Eden's Crush. He's wearing a shirt that's got a tiger's face painted on it. It's the most unflattering thing I've ever seen. And I saw all of the outfits of the girls that auditioned. "For the first time in a television concert it is my pleasure to give to you Eden's Crush!"
Pan over the crowd cheering as the stage is still dark and silent. They show the same enthusiastic seven girls over and over. The lights come on as "Good For the Gander" starts and the girls stand in their poses. Ivette whips around with her hand on her ass. Rosanna puts her fist in the air. Maile turns and slaps herself in the face. Ana Maria squats down and juts her chin out. Nicole gets her pose: it's her arms over her head like she's chained up. They wiggle and Vogue around a bit and even though the song is playing them singing, they haven't opened their mouths yet. They finally walk out and start singing.
Ivette has the first verse of the night. Her eyes are clearly terrified. But her tits look great. Cut to Number One dad watching proudly.
Nicole walks out and points at a couple of eight-year-olds and winks. She looks at the people in the front because that's as much as she can lift her eyelids. The crowd goes wild. Someone in the back of the crowd waves at her. Cut to Nicole's sister standing up and cheering. The girls keep dancing, and the bridge of the song involves Ivette bouncing around slamming her ass into the asses of the other girls. Ivette runs over to Maile and hits her hard on the shoulder with her shoulder. Maile is visibly rocked by the force of that slam. Oh, it's great. Ivette's like, "Hip bump for Rosanna. Smash Maile in the face! Woo!" Ana Maria gets to sing a line and then we cut to her mother cheering. The girls keep dancing and singing, but they've cut it so I can't tell if any of them are off. But it looks like Ivette is still always one count off from the arm movements.
Maile gets her own verse. Her dad cheers and waves at her. Her mother makes a "hang loose" sign.
Rosanna gets her verse and the crowd cheers. Very distant shot of her family cheering. A closer shot of them clapping.
Ana Maria walks out to sing the line, "Whatcha goin' do? Whatcha goin' do?" and some guy starts raising the roof. Crotch shot of Ana Maria pointing at the crowd. The girls all start walking around, randomly pointing at people like they're asking them what they are "goin' do."
Okay, so the chorus is something like, "Playing with the boys tonight. Waiting right here for you. Wanna know how I feel? Here's the answer. What's good for the goose is good for the gander." But "gander" is pronounced "gandah!" and on the line "Waiting right here for you," the girls move their hips towards an imaginary head they're holding with their hands.
The lights dim for Nicole's special part of the song. She stands center stage and raises up her diva hand. The other girls move behind her into a circle and start rubbing their bodies. Everyone is grinding on each other as Nicole keeps singing.
Oh, man, this song is so damn bad. There is a "breaking it down" part of the song where Nicole and Rosanna get to "rap." Awful. The girls aren't even dancing the same steps anymore and the crowd is continuing to cheer. Ivette screeches, "Hey, what's up, L.A.?" All of the other girls shove a fist into the air and scream into their microphones. Good Lord. Ivette goes on with, "When we say 'Eden's,' you say 'Crush'!" The crowd is paid to go along with it, so there's an "Eden's!" "Crush!" "Eden's!" "Crush!" banter for a bit and I am so mortified by everything that I just make Stee go down on me for half an hour, then I quit Mighty Big TV and go see Blow. End of recap. See ya, suckas.
Okay, so I'm still here. What can I say? There were some contract negotiations. People held meetings. Arrangements were made. Have Sars go down on you. It'll change your fucking life. Ivette's still shouting, "When we say 'Eden's!' you say 'Crush!'" And the circle of Hell continues. Then Ivette's all, "Everybody!" and the other girls shout, "SCREAM!" and the crowd does. Are we still doing call and response at shows? Do I need to have this much evil in my life?
The girls keep singing the chorus as Nicole divas her little titties off with the arm up and the head wiggling. The girls still randomly point at people in the crowd as they sing and try to hold their hair back. Someone tries to pull Ana Maria off the stage, but she pulls her arm back. Rosanna wiggles her ass in front of some guy's face. The girls finish the song and the fireworks go off behind them, but they've moved the girls all the way to the front of the stage so sadly, no one catches on fire or gets her butt hit this time.
Rosanna smiles. Maile smiles and thanks the upper level. Nicole stretches her arms up and shows her tummy like she just woke up from a really good nap. Ivette waves. Ana Maria gets a bit modest and crosses her arms in front of her bondage halter top. Some of the crowd is still cheering. Others are just staring at the camera. Someone waves a pen in the air. Ana Maria thanks DJ Skribble for something. What exactly is he doing there? DJ Skribble thanks her back and bows with both arms in the air. Ivette's dad is moved to stand up suddenly and shout, "IVETTE! IVETTE!" She obviously doesn't hear him, so he stops with the air traffic controller arms and sits back down.
The girls then all talk at once thanking people and saying hello to their families. Their families wave back. Ana Maria's mom is the only one who got a decent seat. The crowd keeps cheering, the families wave, and the narrator tells us that, after the break, the girls will keep performing "to the delight of their family and friends." And that's pretty much the only people that are delighted in this theater.
DJ Skribble is sixty-seven years old. He introduces the girls again. How sucky is that concert that after every song they have to sit in the dark and wait for the girls to change? Do they have to listen to DJ Skribble while that happens? Those poor kids. Oh, they didn't even change. They're just sitting on some stools now. And that means it's time for a ballad. I'm so upset that this song is in my head all the damn time lately. I know I'm the only one that this is happening to. Why didn't I get invited to this concert? Okay, the truth is I knew they were giving away wristbands just down the street, like to my coffee shop and I thought about it for like, six seconds. Turns out someone spotted CuteDean there, but I'm not buying it. I still think my Wednesday night was better spent cleaning my cats' litter box than going to this show. Nicole sings that "I wanna feel just like Juliet" part of the song I hate and her left arm flies up and almost hits Ana Maria in the face. The scrim behind them shows some fractals as the girls sing. Three people in the audience wave their hands. I don't know who decided to make it so dark during this song, but it's hard to see the girls onstage. Nicole often keeps the beat of the song by pushing into her breasts. It's a strange move, but keeps our eyes right where she wants them. She's all hitting her tits and then pointing at people.
Ivette gets a verse and for the first time I notice that someone went nuts with the bronzer on these girls. And Ivette's much blonder than she used to be. Ivette sings with that terrified look on her face. Pause it sometime. It looks like she's just been told that her dad might not be Number One. Speaking of, the Dad of the Hour is stroking his wife's arm as he watches Ivette sing. Maile has the microphone resting on the tip of her nose as she sings. Why does Nicole always have the parts where she's riffing over the chorus? Maile's parents are bored. So bored. And her brothers are nowhere to be seen. They just point every single time they sing the word "you." I did better choreography to "Baby Love" when I was nine.
Nicole stands up to sing her high part so everyone else gets up right behind her. And as far as the choreography goes in this song, every time they talk about their "heart," they caress a breast and then offer it out to the audience. Nicole's sister watches and thinks, "My senior year sucks so hard. I hate her." Rosanna's brother is starting to fall asleep, and he wipes his eyes and leans forward to force himself to pay attention. The end of this song sounds like, "Everybody wants someone to love, someone to love. What about Jews?" Didn't Roger Love teach them anything? Maile's all, "Jews, yeahhhhhh." I love that this song is now about whether or not you can love Jews.
Cut to confessionals, but luckily it's Rosanna, so I don't have to say anything. She says the words "amazing feeling." You can fill in the rest in your sleep.
In a split screen, the girls sing that song about different parts of the world while the scrim behind them shows snapshots of postcards of places I'd rather be right now. "Anywhere But Here," I guess, is the name of the song. It's incredibly bad. They've taken out that offensive part about the dancing about the "China Wall." Instead they show the chained arms of oppression in a bold statement about the Chinese government. They don't even bother forcing us to hear this entire song because even they know it's crap.
Fade to Ana Maria telling the audience that the song is in "half English and half Spanish," and how she feels so lucky to be able to sing this song. "You know, I was born in Colombia. I'm half Latina as much as I am American. And I'm very proud to say. And for all of you Latinos out there. It's from my heart." They announce "1000 Words" and then cut to the part of the song where Ana Maria is singing in Spanish and the other girls look lost just dancing quietly behind her. Rosanna comes in but I don't have to recap her singing either. We have yet to see the backup dancers, by the way.
Nicole has a confessional while the song plays. She's already got her diva arms up even though she's not singing anything. "I started to sing." Maybe her arms just do that whenever she thinks about singing. In the split screen, some guy has wandered across the stage with a microphone, pumping his hand in the air. I wonder if this song has a rap segment they've just cut out of the show entirely. That poor guy. And suddenly the backup singers are there too. "And seeing like all of the kids and everybody in front of us, it was just like I had this huge smile on my face. The lights and the people and the energy and those fans and people going, 'Nicole!' and, 'Oh, my God! Eden's Crush!' and it was just like, oh, it was such a rush. It was so amazing." In a split screen, we see Nicole trying to stay on her feet as she sings her solo part in a language she doesn't know. Nicole hits a high note. She pushes back her hair and holds another note. You can see the hair spray fighting with her fingers. Then she raises her diva arm and hits the note. The one that sends dolphins cascading over my television.
Rosanna touches more people. Ivette dances behind Ana Maria. She tries to be seen, but Ana Maria keeps dancing right in front of her. Nicole holds her own breasts and smiles. Ooh, this is a good dance break right here. They have their arms up and their hips are pumping and I remember this part of the song when it was in that dumb rap song from three years ago with the baby noise in it. You know which one I'm talking about. "Ride the Pony," or some shit. Wow, I sounded like my grandmother just then. No, it's good. It's got good hip movements that are making Britney pissed off right now. Nicole looks out from her Alice In Wonderland eyes and breathes, "I wanna be free." She's calling out for help and we're doing nothing, people. These girls are coated in glitter, by the way. The girls finish the song and the narrator says my favorite words ever: "the girls perform their final song."
I can't believe these girls are going on tour with *NSYNC.
Saint Clare, the patron saint of television, comes down off of her perch. "Hey, I thought I'd just check in," she said. "I've been pretty zonked out on drugs for this entire season of this show because I really can't take it. I'm concerned. Gilmore Girls hasn't had a new episode in forever, and I don't think they're bringing Young Americans back, which means my friend is gone forever, and you don't have any new shows coming up, so I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't have any work to do. You don't need me to make Gilmore Girls tolerable because it's a good show, and with your fancy TiVo you don't have to watch any crap anymore. What good am I now, Pamie? What do I do all day?"
I held her tiny hand and told her that she's been a very good friend for two years and that she's earned a vacation. I told her that a new bad show has to start soon and I'm sure that I'll get to recap it. I then informed her that Popstars has been renewed for another season.
"You bitch," Saint Clare said, and flew away, knocking over my Diet Coke.
You just can't please some people.
The crowd goes wild and DJ Skribble does his thing, asking the audience to put their hands together "one more time" for the girls. As if it's the last time we're forced to listen. The crowd obeys and the lights come up on the girls. They're wearing these gold lamé pieces of utter trash. Poor Rosanna, always having to be the ugly one, is wearing gold tap pants and a blazer. She looks like she's about to bust out with, "One! Singular sensation! Every little step she takes!" Hey, what's this song they're singing? Something about getting over something. It's new and fresh and exciting and luckily we get to hear every last note. The girls have moved from handheld mics to headsets so they can continue to grab their asses with both hands. I take it back. Rosanna is dressed like a stripper named Oklahoma.
I wish they'd cut that stupid part of the dance where they draw on their faces the imaginary tear. It's so retarded. The scrim behind them plays the video so you can see just how much they still have all of the choreography down. I wish Jenny and Travis and Little Old Lady Friend and Jaymes and Jennifer and Roger Love and everyone would just come out here doing the choreography too. Then we'd have one big Popstars hug and end this fucker. No. Such. Luck.
Nicole's sister proves she's been paying attention by singing and dancing along to the words. I think I can see up Rosanna's shorts. Maile breaks down the bridge and the audience cheers up a storm because it's almost all over. Someone from the audience holds up a copy of the single to the girls. Why? Ivette touches her ass. Nicole struts. Maile holds her hair. I've written these same sentences six thousand times. No backup dancers here, by the way. Nicole bends down to touch some minors and you can see her entire ass. She gives the girliest "woo!" I've ever heard in my life. The song ends, and fireworks explode from the back of the stage. Thank the Lord and all that is holy. The concert is over. Some guy in the audience is pointing and shouting, "Thems things is on fire, Ma!"
Well, it's been real, folks. I'm not going to lie. This was a tough season. I had to hear music that I hate over and over until I thought perhaps I liked it. Then I went though a bad period of self-loathing. It wasn't until...wait. What is happening? Why is there another ten minutes left of this episode? GodDAMMIT!
The girls stand in the falling embers and look at the destruction the sound of their voices has made. We get a shot of their asses as they all thank the crowd at once. They bow. Rosanna is the last down and the last to come up. I think she just noticed that we can all see her vagina. Nicole tells the crowd she had a great time, and she hopes they all had a great time, too. They thank DJ Skribble. He tells them that they rock and then he bows down to them. They give a plug for DJ Skribble's new album and he plugs them right back. Their album comes out May 1st. Oh, that's later than they first claimed, isn't it? Maile's titty is falling out as she says goodbye. The girls all say goodbye for a long time. They wave and talk, wave and talk, walk around, waving, talking. Get. Off. The. Stage. Nicole has gotten lost and is the last one wandering around on the stage, pulling at her hair.
The narrator informs us that Eden's Crush "is a success." Rosanna pumps her fist to the crowd as the girls walk backstage. "That was amazing!" she shouts to nobody.
Cut to the girls in a group hug. Nicole is crying and holding her mother. The narrator: "With everyone so near and dear, there's no holding back now." These sentences aren't really sentences, are they? Nicole's entire family does the worst kisses. They hold their faces in front of each other for a long time and lean in only slightly enough that their lips sort of come near each other. It looks like they hate each other. Nicole's sister fake-kisses her and then holds Nicole off the ground. She shouts, "Oh! Bertha, Bertha, Bertha!" Man. Why didn't I know Nicole's nickname was Bertha three months ago? Do you realize how much fun we've missed?
Rosanna hugs and kisses her family in a scene that won't be recapped. But they can't stop staring at her exposed breasts.
Maile's father has brought leis for all the girls.
Ana Maria and her mother hug as Ana Maria regresses to age five and says, "Hi, Mommy!" in just the annoying voice you'd imagine.
Sobby Ivette is holding her mother. Her grandmother still cracks me up. She goes in to hug Ivette and Ivette quickly whips her head to the side so she's still seen on the camera during the embrace. Ivette's sad sister holds her arms out stiff behind her and offers her head for Ivette to touch. Ivette is telling everyone she sees how much she loves them. Ivette's grandmother shakes her head and says something about how she can't believe what she just saw. "That was for you guys!" Ivette says, pointing. The grandmother's like, "I didn't need to see that much of your new potatoes, girlie." Ivette starts crying again, saying how much she loves her grandmother.
Everyone is crying and hugging as the narrator tells us about a "journey" filled with "tears and triumph."
Nicole speaks to us as a split screen of her audition process goes on. She tells us that this whole experience has helped her appreciate what she has: "Who I am and what I have in life." She starts talking slower and slower as she says she's very grateful for this whole experience. She says she has a lot to learn from it, and from her life, and that she has some growing to do. She then has her eyes just about sealed shut as she hushes, "But, um...I'm gonna live it. I'm gonna live it up. Day by day. Every day to the fullest, for sure." She then slams her head forward into the camera lens and we hear her whisper, "For fuck's sake, someone call Jimmy and tell him to get his motherfucking ass over here. I need my shit or someone's gonna find themselves dead. Do you fuckers hear me speaking?"
Maile: "It's about happiness." Hasn't it always been about happiness for Maile this entire time? When I think "perky," I can't help but think, "Maile. Absolutely Maile." She says that she hopes Eden's Crush will go on in a direction that will "be off the charts." Yes. Off the charts. That's exactly where you'll find yourself in three weeks, girl. Keep your agent on your speed dial.
Rosanna talks about fulfillment. !
Ivette comes in with some words of wisdom from funny little grandmother: "My grandmother always said, 'Keep at it. Keep at it. 'Cause one day you are gonna make it.' To be able to see, like, to say, 'Look!' You see? Like, all of the hard work paid off."
Ana Maria is filled with tears, whispering about the beauty of music. "Music is...like...eternal. It just speaks to everyone." In a split screen, we see Ana Maria's initial audition, where her hips and ass were talking to all of us. "It's this universal language that no matter what country you're in, it can touch everyone. And if I can do this till the day I'm ninety years old and touch somebody, I swear to God, that I will be doing it." I consider this a threat. Take action, immediately.
Flashback to the concert where the girls are thanking everyone again. The narrator: "Eden's Crush took a leap of faith with each other. And now that faith will carry them to a future filled with more music and even bigger dreams." I need someone to shoot me in the head right now. Shot of the girls bowing in front of the audience as someone says, in a voice-over, "We're just beginning right now." Someone else says, "It's just the beginning." Someone else says, "Only the beginning." But for us, right now, it is the end.
A burst of fireworks come out of the back of my television. A small piece of white plastic flies up and lands in front of me.
"Saint Clare II?"
She's dazed and chared. Saint Clare I runs over.
"Is it really her? Saint Clare! Saint Clare!"
"I was sent back. They said you needed me here. You watched thirteen uninterrupted episodes of total bullshit. Apparently you're no good on your own. They sent me back. I was in Heaven. It was wonderful. You couldn't take care of yourselves so they sent me back. I hate you both!"
Saint Clare and I help Saint Clare II back to her perch.
"But you'll pay for this," she says, holding her tiny charred finger up at me. You think it's great that I'm back?"
"I missed you so," Saint Clare I says.
"Shut up! This means war. You know what I'm going to do all summer? Make sure you never stop hearing 'Get Over Yourself' in your head every minute of every hour for months."
I held her leg. "Please, no. Anything but that."
"Every magazine's gonna say was you was on the shelf, you selfish bratty child."
Oh, dear God. What have I done?
Saint Clare II looks at me. Her head spins in a full circle until her coal black eyes focus on mine. She opens her mouth. "Doo-wah!"