Previously on Popstars: they made a video. Woo. Hoo. Nicole brags about the "playfulness" that "was adorable" in the video. Rosanna says it was great because she got to "experiment with a new look." One that she should kill someone over. She also "got to become another person. In a sense." I'll leave that one alone. Ivette: "It's collective. It's a team. We're a team. And it looks great." This is because Ivette is featured heavily in the video. And I wasn't making a fat joke. Tonight the girls are going to have a photo shoot, where Ivette and Rosanna will have some problems with their own body images. Rosanna storms out of the studio into the dark while some guy goes, "Yeah. Just… go away and come back, okay?" Yeah, Rosanna. But you can skip the second part, there. Then Nicole and Maile "go head-to-head," over selecting the final picture, as if the girls get to decide the final picture anyway. But Nicole says, "Fuck you" a few times, which is the closest thing to a catfight we've seen so far. Huzzah!
Tiny Slow Squares of Girls and Suffering fill my living room, sending my cats racing for their litter box.
We watch the girls get made over as the narrator tells us this photo shoot is incredibly important because it might be used for the cover of the album. Since they've been pimping the single so hard, we already know that it is.
Oh, yeah. Carlo Dalla Chiesa is the photographer for this session, and he's just like the man that did my headshots in college, but without the pretty face. He's all Italian and sensual, but in a Big Poppa way that makes you go, "I think he's yelling at me, but I can't tell." He's already shot J-Lo, Mandy Moore, and Toni Braxton, which means he knows how to talk girls into getting naked for the camera. This also means he knows he's about a zillion times better than this gig. He's shows us this bear rug floor that's covered in weeds, which is supposed to represent the desert. The second set is just gold lame with stripes, which is somehow supposed to represent a stage and be "flashy." The third set is black and white sand ("a little more sophisticated"), which some poor kid has to sweep around, wishing he'd just stayed in Knoxville where he had a girl and a good job.
Nicole gets oil rubbed on her tummy as she gets ready to pose for her solo photos. Then she stands there while people take her picture. It's really that boring. She's wearing some sort of purple scarf dress thing that looks like a Pocahontas outfit. She shakes her hips and Carlo tells her she's doing a great job. For some reason, Travis stands nearby watching.
Rosanna gets her picture taken a few times (in short hair with red streaks) as Nicole tells us in a split screen that it's nice to watch the other girls get their pictures taken because it makes her less nervous. Rosanna tells us in a split screen that she hopes these pictures "come out nice." She has a freakish belly button.
Maile poses and wiggles her head around a bit while the photographer keeps reminding her to keep her chin up. She tells us in a split screen that she was nervous. Who is this show for? Is it for people that want to be models? Is it for teenage boys looking for masturbatory material? Because it's certainly not for me. I was so excited about getting some sort of Spice Girls Grrl Power Catfights and More show out of this and this snooze fest is so damn disappointing.
Ana Maria stands awkwardly in the faux desert while Carlo takes more shots.
The narrator tells us that the girls' energy is getting low, and Carlo is getting impatient with them. As they try and take a group shot, Carlo is screaming that they aren't showing enough inner strength. He barks that they should change their bodies with every frame. Ivette stands there like a zombie. The girls stand and try to smile. The narrator explains that Carlo is having problems getting the girls to feel comfortable standing there getting their pictures taken.
Carlo holds up a sample photo for the girls. Everyone likes it but Ivette. She says that it's her screwing up the picture and she doesn't know what to do. Rosanna just stares. Maile takes a second, cocks her head and whines, "Ivette!" Nicole is too busy scrutinizing over her own body in the picture to notice anything is going on. Maile and Rosanna start chanting, "Be yourself!" while Carlo silently fumes in Ivette's direction. Maile tries to tell Ivette that she's pretty, but a makeup woman jams her fingers into Maile's mouth while she's talking to fix her lipstick. Ivette says that she's not a serious person and that she's usually laughing. They all cave in and tell her she can laugh if that'll make her take the fucking shot without whining.
Ivette tells us that she was feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. "There were times I was fighting back tears." How is this supposed to make her endearing at all? Ivette says that it was totally noticeable that she was uncomfortable in the pictures. We get a split screen for proof.
Carlo reminds us that this is difficult. Thanks, Carlo.
Luckily they hand out some Valium to the girls before the second set of shots, so they're "loosened up" and ready to go. Ana Maria reminds us that they are very behind in the shooting schedule. Because I fucking care.
The girls get pictures taken. Carlo is happy.
Maile rubs her pained feet. Rosanna yawns.
More pictures are taken while Carlo shouts Ana Maria's name in ecstasy. Pouty lips. Electric fan. Standing. Standing. Standing. Cue Sound Cute #502: "The girls are running on empty." Everyone yawns and stretches.
Ivette needs her own pep talk at this point, so Carlo comes over and tells her that beauty is in her mind. He basically tells her that maybe she is fatter than the other girls, but she just has to use that fat and go with it. He calls her "bigger than a normal girl." He mentions Jennifer Lopez and holds his hands three feet away from each other to describe the size of her ass and says that at least J-Lo accepts her gigantic butt and uses it. "She doesn't care." Carlo seems to be mistaken on about seven hundred levels here. Ivette says she knows it's in her own head. Carlo walks away while Ivette tells us in a split screen that she was beating herself up and wished she were skinnier. Then she said it felt "crappy" to feel that way about herself. "You know what I mean? I just felt so not right."
The narrator reminds us that the shooting is behind schedule as we watch Rosanna's behind stomp around. We're told that Rosanna's got some problems. They just don't tell us what problems she's having. Carlo walks her off the set and I guess she's all crying in an alley while he tells her he can't take her picture this way and she needs to just cool off. Carlo plays the Selena card on Rosanna, which I don't get, and apparently it's helping. She's all sniffing off-camera and he asks her if she smokes. She laughs and says she doesn't, of course, and I feel genuinely bad for Carlo. He tells her to go away and come back. In a split screen Rosanna says she had been stressing all day about how she looks and she was tired and overwhelmed and she had to take a break. See? Everything is fine.
The girls are back in makeup and Maile is telling us she's tired. Rosanna's pouting. Nicole's eating something. The narrator tells us the girls pull it together to take the last shot of the night. It's now been fifteen hours of photography.
More druggy pictures are taken and there's so much lip-gloss I have to squint from the glare. Hair flipping, pouts, vacant stares. Travis sticks himself in for the final two pictures. They cheer themselves a job well done. I take a well-deserved nap during the commercial.
The girls are now all poring over the proofs, as if they get a say in the final shots. They're saying that they have to decide which ones they like more than others. Well, Maile puts it much more eloquently than I ever could: "Like, we have to write on the sticker, like, 'See,' like, 'the cover.' Or, 'Yes, we love it.' But, I'm gonna make notes because I know to use the negs." I don't even know what that means. I'm not even sure if that's what she said because all of the other girls are louder on the tape than she is.
The girls look at one of the desert group shots. Ivette chews on something and gives her approval on one of the shots.
Maile points out one picture and goes, "What's wrong with that one?" Nicole and Ivette take a look at it and someone points out, "Our heads have gotten cut off." I bet Maile's head wasn't cut off in that one.
Rosanna is happy with one picture because "there's a symmetry and also a variety to it." Ivette suggests putting a star to it so they know it's their very favorite so they use it for all of their promo material. Ana Maria holds up the proofs and says they'll probably only get rid of a couple of the pictures.
Nicole moans that she doesn't like one of the pictures while Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that the first time she looked at the pictures she thought everyone looked gorgeous.
Ana Maria holds the proofs over her face and says, "I like this one they marked too…except I can't see my face." Oh, man. That's funny.
Ivette jams her finger into one of the pictures and wishes that Carlo had shot everything differently. In a split-screen she tells us: "When we got the pictures back…I mean…again. Everybody is their own worst…critic." Ana Maria makes a stink-face to someone in the other screen. Ivette continues: "So, to find a picture the five of us liked? Was nearly impossible."
Cut to the girls poring over the pictures. "Why don't you do this, Nicole?" Maile snots. "Why don't you tell us the ones YOU look good in, and then we'll work around that." Someone coughs uncomfortably. "Whatever, Maile," Nicole drones. Then there's a silence and you hear Nicole drone off a, "--ck you." "I'm KIDDING-gah!" Maile immediately screeches. "I was totally kidding!" Maile continues. Ana Maria and Nicole share a smile as someone scolds Nicole for using "the F-word." Oh, God. Why did the Christians leave the group? Oh right, to avoid skank bitches. "You were totally not kidding!" Ana Maria smiles. "You were NOT kidding!" Ivette laughs. But now they're talking to Nicole. The phone rings, adding to the chaos, and someone's on the phone while Maile continues to scold Nicole for her harsh language. Nicole says that if Maile was kidding then she was too. She's not even looking up from the pictures. "She's totally not listening to me," Maile says, but no one in the room is listening to her. The camera is focused on nothing in particular and the girl on the phone is louder than anything else in the room and this sucks. Some random off-camera woman asks if the girls are "satisfied" with the pictures. Maile leans down to Nicole and says, "I was totally kidding!" Nicole barely lifts her drug-filled eyes and drones, "I was kidding, too."
Ana Maria tries to voice some concern about not being able to see something, but it sounds like her jaw is wired shut and the camera is focused on her instead of Maile and Nicole who are still bickering. Maile is telling Nicole something about how she meant to say what she meant while Ana Maria is wondering if David left some sort of instrument around that would enlarge the pictures because she can't see them very well. What is happening here? Oh, she's still wearing a scarf inside, by the way. Nicole is saying something about how people are saying smart remarks to her. Then she says something I hate. "And I'm just sensitive to that." Like that excuses all behavior of hers. "Hey, that's just they way I am." Or, "I'm sorry, I'm just a bitch." I hate that.
"Fine," Maile says, walking away. I only know she's walking away because I'm following Nicole's eye line. Nicole says without a hint of emotion, "And I'm just joking. If you're kidding then I'm kidding too." Maile says something that gets bleeped out and Nicole goes, "Fine. Well, then fine. I apologize." She stands up. "Because everyone can say what they want to me, but if I say something back?" Maile tells Nicole that saying "--ck you" is a big bold statement. Nicole says she apologizes again, and that it just came out. Then she gets all pissy and says, "And if I want to say '--ck you,' then I'm going to say '--ck you,' alright?" Maile retreats with a million "Fine!"s and everyone tries to calm Nicole down before they get beat up again. Someone's saying that it's over. Nicole wraps her Pashmina around all diva-style and swoops out of the room with Rosanna's perfect Three's Company entrance at the same time through a different door to deliver the classic, "What happened?" Maile is running around telling the girls that she's never said "--ck you" to any of them.
In her own personal moment, Nicole is wearing her blue Hawaiian flower and her puka shells, reminding us of her constant femininity and serenity. Oh, God. They even start up the Tesh music for this shit. "All my life I feel like sometimes I'm overlooked, or I'm easy to pick on sometimes. Not that the girls pick on me, but I'm just a very sensitive person? So, um, sometimes people say things that hit me the wrong way, and I don't know how to take them, and they, and it, they find that it's okay and then it bothers me so they just keep going. And sometimes I get to a point where it just piles up and I'm just like, 'Look. You may not realize this, but you know when you say things like that I have feelings and it hurts.'"
I love this. The calm, collected, laid-back Maile is using a totally friendly tone to go, "And I just said, 'Okay, Nicole, why don't you choose a photo that you think you look pretty in, and we'll work around you. We'll, we'll see if… see if there's something that, you know…' And I think it came out wrong. I think it was kinda like, 'Well, you pick a photo and we'll well, you know, wuh, wuh, well you like, wuh, you choose what you like and we'll work around you!' I think that's how it came out. I think she was a little offended by that." Nice. Does Maile not know that her conversation was recorded on film? It's just like Sandy saying to Danny, "I still think you and Cha-Cha went together," and Danny goes, "We did not GO together, Sandy, we just went together," and she says it's the same thing and he somehow doesn't see that it is even though he just said just what she just said.
Rosanna, even though she wasn't there, has to put in her opinion here. "We are a group. We always stress that we get along. And the reason why we get along is because we work through stuff." She laughs and says this is how friendships work.
Ana Maria weighs in. "I just think that you know, if you need to let off some steam you need to do it, you need to get out, get it over with. I think they worked it out because they were talking outside for a while and they came back in and everything seemed to be pretty cool." Man. Why isn't that in the episode? Why? SHOW. Don't TELL. God.
The narrator again: "The fight seems to have opened up other wounds. Because of the hardships of living together and being completely sequestered from the public, the isolation hits home and the girls begin to reflect on what they've left behind." Through this we see the girls walking, sleeping, shooting their videos, and posing for pictures. I don't know. Rosanna walks by drinking coffee. We watch her sit and stare at something. Ana Maria poses for a picture.
Ana Maria tells us that it was really hard leaving her family because she always thought she'd be in a group with her sister and now she's separated from her. It takes a long time and lots of tears for her to say this. Well, we don't really see tears, but she tries really hard to kinda cry.
Maile sits and stares and then tells us that her whole life has changed and this is hard. She's given up her life and it's changed her relationships. In a split screen we see her talking to people we've never met before and that I guess are supposed to be her family.
Rosanna tells us that her brother's been watching the show and told her he understands her more. We see a picture of him. He's young, and she says he's also like her son. She cries and says it's hard to be away from him.
We see Nicole get her hair done. Then we see her kinda kissing her mom while she tells us it's hard being away from her friends and family, and she finds it hard to talk to them so she just doesn't talk to them at all because she's lying to them about where she is. She's told them she's recording a solo album. What a Beyonce.
Ivette can't stop crying about her family and how much she misses them. We see another picture of her family hugging and I'm going to hell for how much it makes me giggle. Ivette says she knows they'd be proud of her but not being home is hard. Man, there are lots of tears all over the screen, here. Just not one from me. I flip over to Oprah because I needed one last kick of estrogen for full ovulation.
We watch the girls slowly walk forward in slow motion as the piano slowly kills us on its final stupid notes. They're breaking for commercial, but teasing that David Foster is about to bring in some boys that will sing for the girls. They blur out the faces and play a song that just might be *NSYNC's. The girls stand totally still listening to the music, wondering what they're listening to until someone off-camera obviously mouths, "NOW!" and the girls freak the fuck out. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen.
David Foster is wearing an incredibly ugly shirt. I think it's a Navy shirt. I think? He's talking. "You know, the girls, um, as everybody probably knows, have been working so hard. I mean, just the schedule has just been grueling. And on top of everything else, they've been sequestered." We cut to a video of five boys the world has never heard of as David continues. "They happen to be fans of Plus One which is a uh…group that we have on 143. I mean, they are total fans. So, I started putting two and two together and I was thinking, 'What can I do for the girls to give them a surprise to give them a little lift?'" Oh, my ass, people. Plus One has like, one song and they're a Christian pop band and there's no way in hell all five of these girls have ever heard of them. First of all, the girls are like, all in their twenties, and secondly, WHO? As if this show couldn't get any more like a press release, they have to pimp their Christian boy band in the middle of these girls? God.
David Foster gets on a fucking microphone of all things, presses play on a jambox, and goes, "Hit it and make it good." The boys start lip-synching into their microphones as they walk down the stairs. The girls fucking freak, people. Rosanna has freaked before she even turns to see who it is. There are so many people in that room, too. You can see them in the mirror. Rosanna rips off her Pashmina, exposing her erect nipples as she freaks out. Nicole pushes her in the back and then hugs Ivette because she doesn't know what else to do. Maile looks off-camera, wondering if she's feigning enough excitement. Ana Maria stands there, points at the girls, and laughs. She looks off-camera like, "You didn't mean we were supposed to act this excited, right? I mean, nobody has ever heard of these guys."
Only one guy has a microphone and the others are just standing there awkwardly looking at the girls while they keep screeching and covering their faces. Nicole tells us in a split screen that she totally geeked out at seeing these guys. You know, it's probably because they're horny and hoping they're going to be allowed to go out with these boys. They keep jumping around and screaming, but not listening to the one boy lip-synching, since they don't know the words to Plus One's song anyway. Stee totally pushes the coffee table over and storms out of the room. "What's wrong?" I call out. "This is BULLSHIT!" he yells. "Who the fuck are these guys? Who the fuck is Plus One? This is BULLSHIT! They made me think I was going to see *NSYNC." I cannot stop laughing and have to stop the tape. He then comes back into the room and begs me to not put any of that in my recap. But come on, that's too good. He was livid, y'all. It's the most drama Popstars has seen since Ray called Jaymes a bitch. I hope you realize what I'm risking to share that story with you.
For some reason the guys have to stand there while the one keeps on lip-synching. One guy is pretending to sorta dance. It's awkward, so they cut to Maile on a split screen, telling us that she remembers looking at them and thinking they were cute. Oh, now suddenly the other boys have microphones to lip-sync into. I don't know.
Rosanna tells us in a split screen that she froze and tried to stay calm, reminding herself that these were just guys. Man, they are more than "just guys." It's like the headlining act of the Luxor's Nefertiti Lounge just crooned in and they're having a complete fake orgasm over them. And why is Rosanna laying down holding a pillow to talk to us? With a frilly halter. I hate her. The boy stops singing and there's thunderous applause from I guess the rest of the room. Nicole bumps her titties against one of the boys, and he pushes her back and tells her to keep room for Jesus.
Cue Sound Cue #203: "David Foster's surprise was a total success. The Plus One performance lifted the girls' spirits." I hate this show. The girls are back at the studio "with a new outlook" to record another song: "One Thousand Words." That's so many words to torture us with. And here's the fun part: it's going to be recorded in both English and Spanish. I think the producers are named Klaus and Jeeves. You can hear Nicole shouting, "Aloha!" and I want her clubbed. And she's wearing that stupid hat again. The narrator reminds us that this song will be special because three of the girls are bi-lingual and come from a Latin background. And because Christina did it.
Cut to the girls flirting with the camera instead of focusing on the song they're recording. For real. Just making out with the lens instead of actually trying to sing a song. The video is later, girlies. Quit giving me goo eyes. Oh, man. We have to hear the whole song, including its eternal intro.
Rosanna tells us in a split-screen that it means a lot to her to have this song on the CD. She says it adds "another texture" and "a lot of sensuality" to the album. Rosanna has worn her sensual do-rag and her textured gypsy loop earrings for this recording session.
Ana Maria sings the shit out of her part, so well that Nicole gives her some serious Manson Lamps, worried that she's fixing to lose her Beyonce standing. Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that singing in Spanish comes more naturally for her. Ivette is happy as hell.
Cut to Nicole in a split screen. "When I sing, um, it's a communication. It's a story. It's something I'm telling you. And when you don't know what you're singing about because it's a different language, it's a little hard." It's called a translation, girl. Look it up.
They keep singing, gesturing, and flirting with the camera.
Maile is all happy and says that singing in Spanish is fun but hard because you have to get "the correct dialogue out." This is not camp, girls. Maile has fun with her dialogue by just making her Spanish as lispy as possible.
Someone let Nicole hit a Mariah Carey Flipper note. I hope that person has been fired. God. Nicole is using the Raised Arm of Accomplishment and Higher Talent.
Ivette flirts with us and sings in Spanish, happy to finally have some recognition. I'm just happy because when she's singing, she can't complain and cry.
Rosanna smells her armpit to a groove and keeps singing right to us. That's fucking sexy.
Ivette tells us in a split screen that when she's singing in Spanish she feels sexy. "I guess…what's the word I'm looking for?" Sensual? "Sensual." Yeah. Totally saw that coming. You girls need more than one writer for your Behind the Music segments.
Nicole holds her face and keeps the beat by smacking her cheeks as she sings one note and the other girls do backup. I remember this song when it was La Isla Bonita, by the way. And girls? Madonna would like it back, because you're hurting it. I love that Nicole is still gesturing like a mother fucker, even though she has no idea if she's giving sister arms on only the definite articles. She has no idea what she's singing, but she's sassing along anyway.
The girls finally finish the song and my ears stop bleeding. week the girls go to New York, cueing Sound Cue #2: "Whirlwind tour." For some reason they all take a picture with them moaning and yearning for a closed refrigerator. Nicole tells us that the whole world is watching them and they hope they don't suck. Everyone gets tired, so Ana Maria runs around with a cell phone and a cowboy hat. Hey, I'm just conveying the paradox of what we see and what the narrator tells us. Someone puts a picture on Ivette's back. I hope it says "Kick Me Out." They fly back to L.A. to finish recording the CD. Rosanna loses her voice again and might not be able to sing on the rest of the album. Oh, she's going to get to record her part later on. Well, problem solved there. Who needs week's show anymore? Doo-wah.