Previously on Popstars: They show the exact same beginning with the nervous girls and the bad singing and the people we don't know talking about their dreams and hopes. We even get Bea saying, "Superstah!" again. We see the Mariah girl in purple screw up her song again. Shaunda sings the shit out of "I Will Always Love You" again. Even a quick Tiffinee Renae. "All my life" girl chants through her tears again. Scary Snake Mom is appalled again. We see a quick flash through several girls auditioning again for Day Two. Then the group dance callback flashes by. Alexis talks about her damn dreams while covered in snot and tears. Zoom to the L.A. workshop, where we see more shots of dancing and singing. Roger Love makes some nasal noises. David Foster looks on judgingly. Alexandria gets in another crying headshake, and with that final clip again, my love affair with her is officially over. Thanks, editors. Quick shots of everyone crying as the narrator calls the workshop "a nerve-wracking nightmare." Shaunda cries to Ivette. They flash by the six that were cut at the end of "Phase One." The Corrs start caterwauling again. Luckily I've recapped all of this, so I don't have to recap it again, right? Right? I don't have to be as repetitive as this show. I don't. I don't have to repeat everything. Everything. Everything. Sorry. I just wanted you to have a visual representation of this damn show. They show the five that were cut. So many tears. Cheaza moans to the group of girls that she's never going to succeed in anything. We see a quick cut of the Viper Room and then the five girls that were cut. The Casio keyboard kicks into overdrive as the narrator gets his "serious with tension" voice on and tells us that just ten girls are left tonight.
Nicole Scherzinger. We see a split screen of her singing at the Viper Room as she tells us: "When the lights and stuff are on me, I'm in a whole 'nother world." I love how we've turned "another" into a word that can be broken into two just by adding the word "whole."
Shaunda Johnston. Same split screen. "If you don't have your dreams, you don't have anything." Put that on a bumper sticker, people.
Jean Pearlman: "I don't think I'm going to make it because people don't seem to remember me from each episode." I'm kidding. "I am still not down from that high. I had an incredible time and I feel, I feel amazing when I'm singing." Oh, notice the use of past tense, there.
Rosanna Tavarez: "But I really, really wanted to sing." Oh, she's the one that wanted to sing. My bad. I thought it was only Alexis.
Kerrie Roberts: "It's everything in the world I've ever wanted to do." Now everyone's jumping on the "dream" bandwagon.
Christina Petty: "I can do it, you know. I see everybody else do it and what, what do I have -- why can't I do it? You know? What am I lacking? Nothing."
Ivette Sosa: "I've been wanting to do this fer...since as long as I can remember."
Camille Guaty: "This is more me than anything else has ever been."
Margaux Yap: "I love pop music. I love singing and I love performing." These are sounding like centerfold interviews.
Ana Maria Lombo. Tears are streaming down her face. "I just know that I am going to make it. And I've come to this audition knowing that I am going to be one of the five."
The Casio hits a strong minor chord, telling us to pay attention to the scary part of the episode. The narrator busts in to say that before the final five are chosen, some serious shit goes down. Jaymes calls someone to say that two girls have dropped out of the running. A random high note hits the piano as we flash by the ten girls. They hit the "slow-motion" button on the judges as they tell us that the judges have been "thrown into chaos." The narrator learns us: "It's an enormous obstacle, but one the judges need to overcome to find their five Popstars." See? I wouldn't have been able to figure that one out on my own. The slow Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen, kicking off this hour-long special episode of over-dramatization, tears, and estrogen.
The girls are all sitting in some sort of banquet room in a hotel. They are all around one table eating breakfast, but I can't figure out why they have to be sectioned off in this hotel seminar room. Maybe there's a buffet. The narrator tells us that the girls are all taking a moment to remember "how incredible this whole process has been." Ana Maria goes first: "I'm toasting today because we're all one step closer to our dream." The way she says this, I'm not sure, but I think she's mocking Alexis, and they just cut away before all of the girls cackle wildly. "Yay!" someone says. Quick edits of Nicole looking down and nodding, and then Camille looking somewhere and nodding. These are bad, bad edits. Jean comes in and says, "I know we just met each other, the connection that we have right now…" Someone interrupts to say, "Amazing! So weird!" but it's like they aren't talking to each other. "Why'd you just say that?" someone asks Jean. Why would someone ask her that? "Just to point it out," Jean responds. Okay. "Like, emphasize, like, how quickly we got to know each other. And, like, I feel dependent on you guys right now. Like, I don't know what I'd do if you guys weren't here for me." We pan around to the other girls smiling and nodding, thinking, "We're here for you, Joan. Jean. I mean, Jean. Right. Jean. The student. God. I can't keep these bitches straight."
Camille gets serious: "I needed help. This whole week. And I've gotten it from you guys. And it has been like…I thank you so much for that because I know I definitely would not be here if I did not get that." Tears well up in Camille's eyes as she says, "Thank you." Camille, the actress, knows what to do in front of that camera. She looks to the left (to show her good side) and whispers tearfully again, "Thank you!" Rosanna lowers her eyes, nods, and blesses Camille like she's the one that did all of the work and knows Camille's thanking the others just to be nice. Ivette holds up her iced tea and says, "No matter what happens after today I thank you so much for the wonderful gifts. And maybe not now 'cause we're all a little like, stunned and numb, but like, that later on we recognize, like, what a beautiful, beautiful thing this is." Uh-huh. The new voice I don't recognize, and it's high and nasal and makes me flinch. Oh, it's Margaux. No wonder she hasn't gotten much screen time. "I wanna thank you guys for making me feel part of the group 'cause, remember I was telling you guys, like…" Margaux takes a big breath here to try not to cry. Rosanna puts down her tea slowly and starts waving her hands in front of Margaux's face to dry her tears and Margaux tries to keep talking. Camille is looking in a different direction. "That sometimes I feel like I don't belong because I'm like really quiet…" At that moment Margaux is completely interrupted by the editors to let Rosanna talk. "I think you guys rock. You guys were incredible today and I felt like, I was one of your fans. When I'd see a group up there, I'd just be like…" Rosanna then starts jamming and raising her hands in the "Shout at the devil" position and licking her lips and instantly becomes slightly endearing. I don't know why. She does. I think because she suddenly reminds me of a friend of mine.
Suddenly, there's another test for the girls. They are all brought to 143 Studios for a solo session to let David Foster hear their voices again. "Can they sing lead?" the narrator asks us. David Foster walks into the room and says, "Morning, ladies." "Can they sing harmony?" I hate the narrator. "And can they learn fast enough to meet the deadline for the group's first CD?" David asks someone off-camera, "This is the ten, huh?" Uh, David? Remember how you chose this ten? Whatever. He asks if everyone has the lyrics in front of them. Every girl looks up from her piece of paper and nods. It's like David Foster is a blind man and no one is supposed to comment on it. Here's my favorite line of the episode: "Here is a song that my wife and I wrote for Jennifer Lopez." Translation: "J-Lo won't return our calls. I'm making you girls sing it because my wife will make me stop seeing Baby Norman if y'all don't make a hit out of this." He tells them he wants them to "absorb the chorus" and to "figure out the harmonies." The girls do this with a simple swipe of a highlighter pen. David tells the girls he wants to hear them "nail the harmonies" and hear each girl sing a verse. The other girls look up at him like, "You mean like what we've been doing this entire time? Okay."
Camille's in the studio first. She genuflects and smiles at us. David tells Camille over the intercom: "You gotta kinda count the beats in this intro because there's no real time. It's an eight count, okay? Here we go." Camille asks if she starts on eight. Someone else barks that she starts on nine. That must be Roger Love, who loves to bark answers.
We cut to an interview with Camille in the front office of 143. Hopefully, it's the last time I have to write down what she says: "When I heard about this, I was like, called up my boyfriend, and I was like, 'Matt!' I'm like, 'You know what?' I'm like, I'm like, 'I'm definitely,' I'm like, 'I'm gonna do this thing.' And he's like, 'I know.' He's like, 'I know you're gonna do this.' And I'm like, 'This has been…' I'm like, 'You don't understand, this is me.' He's like, 'No. Camille,' he's like, 'I was thinking about it.' He's like, 'This is so you.' He's like, 'This is you.' He's like, 'You're gonna get this.'" My fingers immediately begin to spasm. ["And I just got a spontaneous nosebleed. Pamie, my sympathies." -- niki]
David Foster reminds Camille that she came this far and she shouldn't be nervous. They start the song. It sounds like Mulan or Ariel is about to bust in any moment reflecting on her world and her chosen path. So much chimey-happy-wonder-la. Camille starts on a sour note and stays there: "I can see tomorrow." David stops her immediately and tells her that she's not coming in at the right moment. David then starts Michael Winslow-ing the opening noise to her. It sounds like Wayne and Garth going to a flashback. They both count to nine. She asks a question about how the song is supposed to start, but David interrupts her and starts playing the music. Camille starts warbling. She hits the right beat, but brought the wrong set of notes. We split screen to St. Elmo telling us some words of wisdom: "When you get on my turf and when you're a singer, you'd better snap to it. Because that is what I love to do. And that's what I pride myself on, on being really good at."
Cut to Ana Maria singing in the studio. Ana Maria has tried a new way of singing. She's mashing her right hand against her cheek so all of her words sound slurred, like she's singing against a pane of glass. I suppose it's supposed to sound sultry, but it really sounds drunk. Split screen back to St. Elmo and his talky-talk: "I'm expecting great things. I don't want to just be good. Good is easy. Anybody can be good. Now, you wanna make your way in this world -- be great." Now, wasn't St. Elmo just priding himself on being "good" three seconds ago? Yeah. We cut to Ana Maria with tears streaming down her face telling us that she needs to go out and find her own destiny. "And I've had such determination this year, I've just been like, oh, my God." She then repeats the part about knowing she's going to make it, and since the first audition she knew she was going to be one of the final five.
Nicole Scherzinger is in the studio now. In a split screen, she tells us she just wants to be in the group so she can perform, because that's what she loves to do. I wish she could do it without wearing that stupid, brown, fake-snakeskin cowboy hat. "I love to sing, act, dance...everything."
St. Elmo stops Shaunda's singing to correct her. The lyric here is, "I don't want to risk / Missing your sweet love," so really, it's no crime to fuck it up. She's doing us a favor. I can start to see why St. Elmo chose the girls he chose. His voice is so shitty, but I think he thinks it's good. Therefore he chooses girls with voices close to his. Roger Love can't stand just sitting there, so he starts singing along with Shaunda. St. Elmo starts the music again as Shaunda sings. In a split screen, she tells us that she thinks working with a group will be fine. She doesn't see it being a problem. She says she's always been able to "gel."
Cut to Jean. In a split screen, she tells us that this hasn't all hit her yet and that it all still seems dreamlike and unreal. Well, good. Then it won't hurt so much when you wake up and find yourself cut.
Ivette's in the studio. Ivette's clip of wanting to do this for as long as she can remember is repeated here, and she also tells us that she can't think of doing anything else. St. Elmo tells Ivette to try the verse one more time. He says it was good but he wants to hear it again. Ivette smiles and says to us, "To think that it might happen? It's pretty amazing."
Margaux is in the studio now. In a split screen, she says: "I'm kind of hesitant about singing, like, dirty words." She whispers "dirty words," y'all. "Cuz' I don't feel comfortable singing, like, 'Touch my body!' you know?" She whispers those three "dirty" words as well. But like a good little Popstar, she concludes with, "It's just not me, so…um, but, I'll do what I gotta do, but I just don't want to sing really, really dirty songs." Margaux bites her fingers and turns demurely away. Didn't this girl have to sing "Genie In A Bottle" at one point in this audition process? Oh, forget it. So lame. She was grinding her ass and touching herself at the Viper Room: "If you wanna know / Can I do you right / Can I make you want me / You know I can." Did she think that was about pleasing Jesus?
Christina Petty is singing it up. She screws up and they tell her that her voice has a nice tone, so she should relax and get into the groove. In a split screen, she tells us, "My life has been bad, since...now. You know? And maybe this is, you know, picking me up. Showing me that there is a bright side. You know, to life."
Kerrie's singing now. "A singer," David Foster says to someone. "An actual singer." Nice. What are the other nine girls you called back? In a split screen, Kerrie tells us she just has to "make sure and know without a shadow of a doubt" that this represents who she is and who the people in her life expect her to be and that it all lines up. Well, we know which two are going to quit now, huh?
Rosanna's getting scolded by St. Elmo for coming in on the wrong beat. In a split screen, Rosanna tells us that she had this latent desire to sing "always stay with [her]." Rosanna sings a bit more until St. Elmo cuts her off and says, "You are done." "I'm done?" Rosanna asks. "Yeah, you're done. You're out. Finished!" He continues to mockingly kick her out of the group as she mockingly continues to be sad about it, but since they both know that her blowjobs are gold, there's no way this Robert Palmer girl is going anywhere.
The narrator tells us that David only thought six of the ten girls had the vocal ability to be in the group. That's five more than I thought were able. Oh, I meant to tell you as much of the lyrics as I could scour from this new J-No song. This is as close as I can figure out:
I can see tomorrow.
(something something)
I believe my heart knows enough.
Though sometimes I'm confused
At the distance…(something something)
I don't wanna risk
Missing your sweet love.
And ooh, if I knew
Everything would ensue
Move me even closer to you.
And I can read your mind and
I believe this time too.
You don't have to ask.
Just promise me this time will be the
Last time. Oh, yeah.
Mmm. That's good writin' right there. Roger Love takes three names and puts them in a pile and says they have "enough relative vocal quality" that one of them could fit one particular category. Travis tries to get the judges to talk with hushed tones so the girls outside can't hear whom they're trashing. Jaymes whines that she doesn't want to lose Margaux. "Same here," someone says. The camera focuses on Kerrie's picture as someone says she could "totally" be the lead singer. They look through the photographs of the girls as the narrator tells us, "For them it's not all about having a great voice." Like we've just figured that one out. We're told that the judges deliberate for days over the final five. Once they've finally picked, a "devastating problem" happens that throws the entire process into a tailspin. Now I'm helping to add to the dramatic tension. Jaymes calls her brother David to say, "We have a really serious problem here. Two of our strongest singers have just bailed on us." The Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun finally (finally, finally, finally) take us to our first commercial break.
We come back to hear the last three minutes of the episode recapped again, with the judges deciding over the girls and Jaymes calling St. Elmo to give him the bad news. "It's unbelievable," David moans into his hand.
Split screen on Margaux performing and talking. She explains her decision: "This week I decided to take myself out of the running to be part of the group and not be a Popstar. I've cried so much this week; I think I'm so dehydrated. I don't have any more tears left to cry. I just have so many things going for me right now. I have school. I have my singing group. I have all my friends, my family. Commitments that I have already made that I've promised to do. And I don't think that I could just let it all go in this short time." Wow. That sounds like her parents didn't want her to be a Popstar, huh? We flash back to Margaux's initial audition. In a triple screen of Margaux performing, the narrator tells us that Margaux's not the only one to piss off thousands of Popstar hopefuls today.
Cut to Kerrie singing at the Viper Room. She tells us: "After I got back from L.A., I was really seriously thinking about, you know, what I was gonna decide. Just like, 'Is this me? Is this what I want to do?' As far as, um, the image that it was? And, um, what I really wanted to do with my life." We cut to Kerrie walking the beach, to get the full-on Oprah moment as most people do when they say the following sentence: "I prayed about it. And I just really had a peace about what I was feeling. Um, I just didn't feel like it was right for me. I didn't feel like that's what I wanted to do."
And with that, we don't hear from Margaux or Kerrie again. You know, the other girls who went to the L.A. workshop must be hella pissed at these girls. They waited this long to decide they didn't really want this? Amazing.
We flash by the glamour shots of the other eight girls and are reminded that St. Elmo only thought six of them could sing, and two of the six just dropped out. Jaymes says over the phone: "We can respect their decision, but that sure puts us in a...in a bind here, as to what we are going to do." St. Elmo says his preference is to hold more auditions. The narrator tells us that this is going to be hard on the judges because instead of months to decide on five girls, they only have one day to find one girl. Oh, man. I can't believe this. They're gonna hold a whole audition to find one girl instead of using one of the thousands they already saw. Even though they liked some of them but cut them because they had to cut someone. So dumb. But it's cheaper to hold an audition in L.A. than to fly someone out from Atlanta.
We rapidly cut to the L.A. audition, told that this is the best city to find someone like this on such short notice. It's like back to square one. We see tons of girls applying makeup, taking numbers, getting primped, as Jaymes tells us they have to find their girl by the end of the day.
A blonde wearing a t-shirt that says "I Will Land This" tells us, "I'm armed with my pinwheel, my purse, and my headshot." The other girls openly laugh at her. "I'm good to go, man," she smiles.
We see several girls standing around, raising their hands, spinning, singing, strutting as the narrator tells us that in a matter of hours hundreds of girls will be narrowed down to just a few.
We're told that the judges will listen to the girls sing a "pre-recorded music track." This is some fancy way of saying, "The girls are all going to sing to the Karaoke version of 'Genie In A Bottle,'" because that's exactly what they're doing. Jennifer sits to Jaymes and ties a knot around her arm with her belt, holding a syringe between her teeth.
Number seventy-two. Bashirrhah Creswell, twenty-two, Singer/Actress, Philadelphia, P.A. The only thing this girl has going for her is her scary name. Bashirrhahrhshrssrhrahah sways back and forth to the music and holds the headset up with her hands as she reads the lyrics. Her head bounces fiercely as she keeps the "beat." It's damn terrifying. Her voice goes up and down some invented scales for this song as she looks around. I start crying, as I thought we were past this shitty audition process. It will never end.
Suzanne Ekerling, twenty-two, Administrative Assistant, Los Angeles. Related to someone, lying about her age and her hair color, temp, Rancho Cucamonga. She's obviously done some porn voice-over work, with the way she's completely sucking the microphone and groaning.
Maile Misajon, twenty-four, waitress, L.A. She's not wearing any makeup and looks very, very plain in comparison to the tarts we've seen strutting around. I think she's wearing those Invisalign clear braces. She's squinty and sings like she's in pain. She knows the lyrics without having to read them, though. She has a problem keeping her eyes open while she sings.
Oh, Sweet Mother of all that is Holy. Sandra Vidal, twenty-five, Actress/ Singer, Rosario, Argentina. This blonde is wearing a tiny powder-blue strappy top and is showing all tummy. She's wiggling around and instead of singing, she just breathes out groans and keeps moaning "Oh, no!" She's dancing with herself, uh-oh-oh-oh. Her arms are up and she watches her own ass wiggle as the music lulls her into orgasmic glee. Roger Love interrupts the vocal masturbation to start singing the song, as Sandra has totally missed any and all cues. Sandra wakes up from her own throbbing, puts her hands on her headphones and tries to figure out what this is that people keep calling a "song." Roger Love finally gets himself a callback. He hugs all the other girls with happiness, wipes his tears, looks into the camera and says, "I made it, Mama! I made it!" Sandra is incredibly sweaty. She also creates a new lyric for Christina: "But I don't think I'm gonna make it your way." Just in case Christina ever wants to sell "Genie in a Bottle" to Burger King.
Cut to the ultimate shout-out. You know her and love her as one of MBTV's earliest alums: Rebecca. She was on the first show I ever recapped, and now she's here again to remind me of just how low I'll go for a paycheck. She's wearing some sort of Swiss Miss pink outfit. She's got on one of those necklaces that says her name in cursive. She's Taryn Manning, twenty-one, Actress / Singer, Long Beach, in all her lispy glory. She opts for talking instead of singing in between the moaning "Oh's." Her right hand gets the Flippy Shake of Not Enough Oxygen on the longer groans. They cut off her music while she's singing (read: screaming) and say very carefully, "Okay. Let's stop." She giggles.
Travis tells the remaining girls that he's going to break them into groups of five and teach them the choreographed number. I don't understand this, but there's a giant wind machine in the room, and the girls must practice and perform in front of giant gusts of air so their hair is all magical while they sing into fake microphones. They're learning that "You Know I Can" song. Roger, Jaymes, and David look over the different girls as they sing. Jennifer and Travis make out in a corner. Oh, they're not even singing. They're just dancing and holding a mic over sound the Viper Room performances of the other girls.
We cut to a split screen of Bashirrhah Creswell, dancing and talking to us. "I feel fantastic. I feel invigorated. I'm ready for the step. I wanna be a Popstar because I think that we are the ultimate role models. If we take the success and the fame that we have and we use it in a proper way…" They just cut her off instead of letting her finish that sentence. Good. !
Suzanne Ekerling doesn't get to talk to us, but her mother does. Mama Ekerling tells us that Suzanne's been working really hard on her career for a really long time, and she's going to support everything that Suzanne does. I haven't even listened to this spot of tape yet. I'm just making a prediction. Let's play it and see if I got it right. Ooh, close. I got the first two right, but instead of that "support part," Mom goes, "And this is just another one." Suzanne looks up quickly on that like, "Mom! This is the one I'm getting! Don't make it sound like I'm gonna blow this audition, too!" Mom tells her to smile and be nice and hope for the best. Suzanne looks like a redheaded Marisa Tomei. Except when she's talking. Then she looks like Wendy Wilson. She tells us that there was something about today that she just wanted her mom there. "A little back-up support," her mom says. "Yeah," Wendy says all embarrassed, like that's not it, and she doesn't want to look like a big baby, but she can't say that she thought her mom would make a better story in front of her mom.
Maile Misajon stares at us from the wind machine and then goes into a split screen. "I didn't know what was gonna happen today. I didn't know what all it entailed. And now I'm, just, really eager to keep singing and to keep, you know, doing it all. I just want to be involved." Someone's cell phone goes off behind Maile, and I find myself listening to that much more intensely.
The L.A. audition is over. Jaymes tells us that they are really pleased with the level of talent of the girls that came down on such short notice. Bashirrhah, Suzanne, and Maile are the three finalists from this group of auditions. So, now there are eleven girls up for the final five. Hi, who's pissed off about this? We're told that after the commercial we'll see the judges go to each girl's house to deliver the news either way. The Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen. I soak my hands in some ice.
They recap again the L.A. audition and the three finalists. Then we are reminded of the other eight girls. You know, the ones that have been doing this for months? And we're about to start finding out the final five.
Travis is at Nicole's front door. Nicole is wearing that ridiculous snakeskin hat she's worn throughout these auditions. Now we get to hear this whole background story on Nicole. She's from Oahu, Hawaii. Her mother was a hula dancer and "Nicole has always known she's wanted to be a dancer." We see Nicole sing at the callbacks and listen to her go on and on about how she's the bomb, and how when she sings she's "unstoppable." Unfortunately for Nicole, the bit of tape they use of her singing has the camera focusing on Shaunda listening to Nicole sing, which is more interesting that the actual singing. Nicole tells us that the best part of the workshop for her was getting to perform at the Viper Room. We see the part where Nicole squats down and points at T.V.'s crotch to say, "Know what goes on between a woman and a man." Nicole rollerblades, wiggles, and winks at us like E!'s going Wild on Popstars. We see her kickbox as the narrator tells us that even Nicole can admit she's got some flaws. We see her walk her dog. Nicole laughs and tells us that she's a procrastinator, and that she gets a rush off of doing things at the very last minute. "She'll need that energy if she makes it as a Popstar," the stupid fucking narrator interrupts to say pointlessly. Nicole tells us that for her a Popstar is someone that has "this presence" about her. We watch Nicole do some yoga as the narrator tells us that her entire family has gathered in the living room to hear Travis deliver the news. Travis sits her down and reminds her that this has been a long process and it's been hard for them to come to any kind of position. Assuming she's been cut, Nicole hangs her head immediately and pouts. Travis asks if it would be difficult at all for her to pack her things and be in L.A. in four days. Nicole smiles. Her family starts to laugh. Nicole hugs Travis. One of Nicole's family members offers to "smack [Travis] around." They laugh and cry. It's awful dark in the Scherzinger home. Nicole's mom stands up crying, and Nicole carefully kisses her, so as not to disturb any of her lipstick or knock that stupid hat off her head. Nicole's mom cries, knowing that her daughter is about to go away for a long time. Nicole reminds her that this is good. Nicole's mom tells her that she loves her and is proud of her. They kiss again carefully.
Poor Travis is having to stick around for coffee and "remember whens." Someone reminds Nicole about how devastated she was when she didn't make cheerleading tryouts once, and how they told her that something better was going to happen to her because of it and now she's found it. Nicole's mom makes a toast to Nicole's success. Travis gets happily drunk on champagne.
Jaymes is making a visit to Jean's small apartment. Oh, you know the news isn't good if they've sent Jaymes. Jean tells us of her pre-Med dreams and how she wants to be an ophthalmologist or a dermatologist. But she's got bad eyes, so she wanted to be an ophthalmologist originally. Jean tells us that she never thought that getting this far in the audition process meant that she was talented. Jean sits to a cat pillow and tells us she wishes she could sing onstage every day. As Jean walks down the street we hear her voice-over that she's put almost twenty years into where she is right now, and she can't imagine changing all of it for this Popdream. She weighs out "dream" and "reality" and says she doesn't know which one to go for. I fall asleep.
Jean's mom is by her side. Jaymes says they think she has "a lot of talent in a lot of areas," but not enough talent in the areas they're looking for, apparently. They're not taking her in the group. The sad music starts up, but Jean smiles and grabs Jaymes' arm. "That's fine!" she whispers. Jean's mom is terribly happy. She says it's good. Jaymes asks how it could possibly be good. Jean says it's not good, but it's good because now she doesn't have to make a decision. The decision was made for her so now she just goes back to school and doesn't have to worry about following her dream. So much for girl power. Jaymes then smiles and says, "Well, I think that it's good that we'll now have a doctor in our family." "Get in line, bitch," Jean's mom growls. "I'm spending mad cash to get a doctor."
Jennifer goes to Shaunda's house. We see the impressive montage of Shaunda singing her ass off in different auditions. Shaunda tells us that music has been her entire life, and she's constantly working on her career. Pictures of Shaunda performing as a young girl flash by. Shaunda tells us that she decided to do this after watching a Michael Jackson concert when she was eight or nine.
Shaunda sits to Jennifer while Shaunda's mom stands in the doorway with her arms crossed. Jennifer: "Um, we've been figuring out what the group is going to be and who is going to be in the group and how all that is going to work and unfortunately you didn't make it in the group. I wanted to just, you know, come here and let you know that." Shaunda licks the spot where her chin piercing used to be and stares at Jennifer waiting for her to say, "Just kidding. Of course you're in. You're the best singer we have." But Jennifer doesn't say it. Unbelievable. Shaunda says, "I don't know. It's something." She says she's disappointed, but she's "a trooper." She says she'll miss the girls, but she'll be okay. Jennifer thanks her for her "the great experience." Jennifer begs Shaunda for a hug.
As much as Shaunda might be hiding the fact that she's fixin' to rip someone's head off, MamaShaunda isn't taking this shit at all. Outside, MamaShaunda tells Jennifer that she knows Shaunda's going to be okay because she's talented and better than all of this, but she's amazed that they had to put her through this. I'm assuming she's bitching about the cameras coming into the house to tape her getting rejected. I'd be pissed, too. "That makes me angry," MamaShaunda says. They cut the camera away before there's a Springer scene. Fuck yeah, MamaShaunda. You tell those bitches they can't hurt your baby anymore.
Jaymes is off to someone's door as the narrator reminds us that only one girl is in so far. We are interrupted by the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
Okay, so here's the thing. I had a performance Friday night and my call time was half an hour after Popstars ended. In order to watch the show and still make it to my own show on time, I went to a friend's house to tape the show. At this point in the commercial break they cut to the local news affiliate standing with Shaunda, Katie Morris, Margaux, and Roger Love. They are showing the final episode of Popstars at the House of Blues. How did I not hear about this earlier? This is walking distance from my own house, but not the house where I was watching the show. In a panic, I call my roommate, who is still at the house getting ready for our show. I tell him that the Popstars are down the street. He asks if I have a cassette player or a digital camera around the house so he can go record stuff. I don't. My batteries for my camera aren't charged, and my cassette recorder was at my friend's house. My roommate tells me he'll call me back in a few minutes.
Jennifer is off to Rosanna's house. We go through Rosanna's life story, with her telling us that at the age of three she used to dance in front of the television to the Solid Gold dancers. We watch her do yoga as she tells us that when she dances it's been very spiritual for her lately. I wish she were saying this at the same time we were watching her spiritual ass grind for the camera. She breaks into tears and tells us that dancing is very "uplifting" for her. She told us that she liked attention as a kid and says it's because her family had a lot of "family gatherings." More yoga. Rosanna tells us about how one time she shaved her head. She tells us she did it because it was really hot in New York for a week. As she tells us it was about "a hundred and eight degrees" we see her in a bulky red sweater and bald head. She tells us that people should know that she's very down-to-earth and that she has "lots of flaws." She says she's very friendly.
Rosanna sits to Jennifer. "I guess you're waiting for some sort of answer," Jennifer snots, trying out her Jaymes voice. It doesn't really work, and she tells Rosanna that she's in the group. Rosanna hugs Jennifer and instantly makes a phone call to tell her brother that she's in the group.
Jaymes is off to Camille's place. Oh, poor Camille. Getting the bad news. Camille has been "torn" between singing and acting her entire life. So we're told. At least this will tell her what she should do. Camille tells us she likes to lock herself up in her room and sing when she's upset. Then we watch Camille ride horses, which makes me not like her immediately. There's something about girls that can afford to ride horses and still claim to be "actors." Too much money makes the actress go whine. Camille says this pearl of wisdom: "The thing I like most about horseback riding is...the actual horse." Uh-huh. Camille then freaks out explaining how happy she was to get a callback. "If this were to happen to me it'd be the best thing," she says, wiping tears from her eyes. She says if she's not picked, "Seriously, there is something else, then, that is meant to be."
Camille sits on her boyfriend Matt's lap to Jaymes. Jaymes apologizes for Camille having to wait so long to hear. She says she wishes she was there to ask Camille to join the group, but she's not. She half-heartedly pats Camille on the knee as she says they don't need her. The boyfriend's smile is frozen, happy at the thought of keeping his girl, upset that he can't mack on other girlies with the sob story of his girl leaving him to join a pop group. Jaymes says that Camille has a "ton of talent" and will go on to do "great things." Jaymes stands up to get her mandatory hug. Camille says goodbye to the crew.
Jennifer goes to some strange lawn to meet Ana Maria. Ana Maria has brought a "friend," and is wearing the Lucky Stupid Cowboy Hat. Hers is in neon blue. Ana Maria tells us that it's always been her dream to "make people happy through [her] performing and stuff." We see shots of the family band in action. A baby picture of Ana Maria is shown. She's about five, wearing a tiny white halter-top, showing her tummy, jutting out her hip, and flirting for the camera. So that's how it is in her family. Ana Maria says she thinks her determination brought her here. Instantly, the narrator picks up on that and says it will "take more than determination" for Ana Maria to make it as a Popstar. I hate the narrator. "But it doesn't hurt," he adds. Man, fuck him.
Jennifer asks Ana Maria into the group. Ana Maria slowly lowers her head and turns to have her good side face the camera. She lifts her French Manicures up to lightly touch the tip of her dumb ass hat. "Oh, my God. I can't believe it," she says as if she's reading. She gets all floaty and says she wants to hug everybody. She hugs her friend who does this "Yay!" sound like when a baby eats all her food. Ana Maria thanks Jennifer. In a bad edit, we cut to Jennifer reminding Ana Maria that she hasn't told her family yet. Jennifer does her best to try and create some tension, but Ana Maria says it's not big deal and that her family will support her decision. Good thing they're bringing in a new girl to create drama.
The narrator reminds us that Nicole, Rosanna, and Ana Maria have been chosen for the group. Travis stands in front of Christina's door. He turns to us, crosses his fingers, and smiles. Christina opens the door and hugs Travis as we go to the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
My roommate calls. "Which one is the Asian girl? I can't remember her name." I ask him where he is. "I'm with the Popstars!" he shouts.
"Are they scared of you?" I ask.
"You want interviews? I can't really get near them yet, and I can't remember which girl is which. Which one is wearing a red hat?"
"I don't know, Ray. I'm not there."
"Yeah. Hold the line." Hold the line? Is he kidding me?
"I'm gonna have to call you back. Figure out who you want to talk to. I'm gonna try and get that bitch Jaymes." My roommate can do anything.
We're reminded again that Nicole, Rosanna, and Ana Maria have been invited into the group. Travis hugs Christina again. We cut to a shot of Christina dancing at the auditions. The narrator reminds us that Christina has "raw talent," but he doesn't say that until Christina has grinded her ass all the way up to the camera.
Christina kicks sand on the beach. She tells us in a voice-over that her parents gave her and her brother up for foster care when they were little. They were in different foster homes at first and then eventually settled down in one place. We see baby pictures of Christina as she tells us that she stayed in one place for fifteen years. Her brother eventually left. We see a picture of the woman Christina considers her mother, since she took care of her the longest. "Taught me how to be a good person."
Christina tells us that Popstars was her first audition. We flash back again to that day with the snot rag. Christina says she's always known she has a voice and that she wanted to do something with her life. She says she believes she has natural talent. She tells us again that she figured if everyone else can do it, she can too.
Christina sits with a friend to Travis. "Unfortunately, we're not gonna be able to have you. But I did, you know, want to come here personally," Travis says. He tells her that he thinks she has a lot of talent and the voice of an angel. She thanks him and he hugs her. Christina's eyes roll involuntarily into the back of her head as she goes in for the obligatory hug. He tells her that he knows it's hard as Christina tries to hold back tears. Christina's friend is staring at Travis like, "Ooh. Man, if I were you I'd get the hell out of this house, because when Dog hears about this he is gonna beat the shit out of you, okay?" Travis says it was hard for him to come and tell her that, but he's glad it was him (and presumably, not Jaymes). Christina agrees and her eyes well up with tears as he hugs her again.
Jaymes walks up to Ivette's house. As Jaymes and Ivette hug and kiss their hellos, we flash back to Ivette's first audition, where she screwed up big time but they let her come back anyway. Ivette tells us she figured there was no way she was getting called back since she screwed up that badly. We see baby pictures of Ivette as she tells us you never imagine you'll get an opportunity like this. We see her Viper Room performance as she tells us that when she sings she's in "a whole 'nother world. Nothing goes wrong."
Ivette sits in a room with her family. Jaymes sits on the couch to her. Jaymes says she'll just get right to the point. "You are in." Ivette's father, way in the corner, immediately breaks down before Ivette even realizes what's happened. It's quite touching, actually. Ivette thanks Jaymes. "You did it, Girl," Jaymes says. Ivette looks back to her father, who nods at her silently. He gives her a thumbs-up. Ivette stands, and her family stands up to hug her. Ivette's tiny grandmother had to sit on the floor for some reason. Her grandmother keeps repeating, "Wow!" As they hug, Ivette's little sister breaks down into sobs. "Oh, shoot, we gotta call Mom," her dad says. Ivette gets on the phone to her mom and says through tears, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm going!" She laughs and says she can tell that her mom is trying to hold it together in front of her patients, but she's really excited and wants to cry.
Ivette is off the phone now and tells us through tears that she feels good. She says she's grateful for the opportunity and things happen for a reason. Her sister says she's really happy for her and instantly breaks down again in jealousy and sadness and wishes her progress report wasn't coming out week because Ivette's going to be the golden child again.
Ivette's Dad tells us that he has mixed emotions about this. He's happy for his daughter's success, but he's sad that "his baby" is going away. And I don't know why Popstars didn't mention this earlier, but I just saw the hat that Ivette's dad is wearing. They really should have made a bigger stink about this. Apparently, Mr. Sosa is the "World's Greatest Dad." It's a family of superstars, this one.
The narrator reminds us that Nicole, Rosanna, Ana Maria, and Ivette are in the group. It's time to find out which of the new girls is going to get picked.
Jennifer shows up at Maile's house. Maile tells us that she knew she was late to the audition, but she didn't know she was the last girl to show up. She says she was freaking out seeing all of these girls standing around, "wearing t-shirts," and that she went into the studio and St. Elmo introduced himself to her and she was just shocked. "Wow. This is something...really big!" Girlie, it's called an audition. You live in L.A. Have you not done this before? We see older pictures of Maile as she tells us that she always wanted to stand out and perform. I'd care more if I'd had more than three minutes with this girl so far. She tells us this story of singing in a supermarket when she was three and this man walked up to her parents and handed them fifty dollars. He told them to give the money to Maile when she turned eighteen because he knew she was going to be famous. You know? That story is incredibly creepy. Did her parents keep the money? Ick. Ugh. Then we hear about how when Maile sings, she feels released from all the "dirt in the world." To add insult to injury, we have to hear this schmaltz while listening to Maile sing "Amazing Grace."
Jennifer invites Maile into the group. Because Maile hasn't had to work for months on this thing, her excitement pales in comparison to the other girls. She seems to think it's funny, more than anything else. They hug. Maile says she's excited and nervous.
The narrator reminds us AGAIN that it's Nicole, Rosanna, Ana Maria, Ivette, and Maile that form the new group. "For the rest of the girls? One door has closed as another has opened into a world of possibilities." I hope the narrator is done now that the audition process is over. We have the Shaunda Johnston montage. Camille's montage, including the moment Roger Love tried to choke her to death. Jean, with her very happy mother. Christina, kicking her legs up in glee to Dog.
Then we flash all the way back to the pilot episode where we heard that whole "What began as a dream for thousands of girls" blah, blah, blah dramacakes thing. Hey, just in case you got hit in the head in the past three minutes, we find out the five girls again. Nicole, Rosanna, Ana Maria, Ivette, and Maile. Did you forget? I know I was in danger of forgetting. "They sang. They danced. They shined." They slutted. They bitched. They clawed. They wiggled. They grinded. They prissed. They whined. They groaned. They screeched. They stuffed. They glittered. They taped. They gossiped. They pouted. They screamed. "Tonight they will begin their lives as Popstars."
week, the real fun begins. The girls move into the new house in L.A. and instantly take a disliking to the new girl. Finally, the cat fights!
The phone rings again. It's my roommate, Ray. "Okay. Which Popstar do you want to talk to?"
"Ray. You don't have to do this."
"I'm doing it. We're gonna be late for the show, but this is so worth it. I'm gonna find me some Jaymes because I hate her."
"I don't want to talk to Jaymes. I have nothing to say to her."
"Aw, can't you bitch her out or something?"
"Do you see Shaunda? She's the one that can sing."
"Which one?"
"The only one that can sing, Ray."
"Okay, hold the line."
"'Hold the line,' he says."
[mumbled] "I'm here from Mighty Big TV and I've got Pamela on the phone to interview you?"
"Hello?"
"Hello, Shaunda?"
"Yeah."
"Hi. This is Pamela. Are you familiar with Mighty Big TV?"
"No. I'm sorry."
I instantly turned into a thirteen-year-old girl. "That's okay. You were robbed! Robbed, girl!"
"I know, that's what everyone's been telling me."
Shaunda went on to tell me that she's still working on solo stuff, and she was in Atlanta during the initial audition working with Lisa Left-Eye Lopez. She says that they parted ways amicably, and Lisa's real supportive of the Popstars experience.
"Did they make you take out your chin piercing?"
"Yes! They did!"
"Bastards!"
"I know! And it closed up, too! I was so mad!"
We talked about Jangela, the audition process, and what she's going to do now. Shaunda took a moment to pimp her website and to tell me that I can keep up with her work there. She was cool and nice and I was all, "I wish you the best of luck!" I became such a tard.
"Ray! Thanks, Ray!"
"Hold the line."
"Ray! Ray!"
"Yeah?"
"Do you see Travis?"
"What does he look like?"
"Ray. He's a tall, bald, smiley black man. How can you miss him?"
"Well, there are actually about five men here that fit that description."
"Oh, right."
"Is he wearing orange?"
"Probably."
"Hold the line."
"Hello?"
"Hi. Is this Margaux?"
"This is Margaux."
"Oh. Sorry."
Margaux gave me the patented "good experience" blah-blah, and told me that it was hard not talking about what happened to her in the group because people were recognizing her at her bank and she couldn't tell them that she quit. She said she was glad to see all of the girls again and she was having fun and her life has been crazy since Popstars started airing.
"Ray. We have to go to the show now."
"Travis is dressed as a disco ball."
"Can we talk to him?"
"Hold the line."
"Hello?"
"Hi. Who's this?"
"This is Ivette. Who's this?"
"I'm Pamie. Pamela. Pam. Whatever. I write for Mighty Big TV. Have you heard of us?"
"Sure."
"Okay. Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that you're my boss's favorite."
"Oh! That's so nice! Tell him thank you."
"It's a she."
"Yeah, it's been a really good process and I'm just grateful for all of the opportunities, and I'm looking forward to what's ."
"Does the album come out the day that the final episode airs?"
"It really was a good experience. Thank you."
"Does the album come out the day that the final episode airs?"
"I have no idea. Hold on. Yeah, I think so. Thanks so much and you have a good day!"
"Miss Pam, is that enough?"
"Yes, Ray. Good work."
"Hold the line."
[This part is really muffled] "Jaymes! Jaymes! Jaymes! Hi. I'm with Mighty Big TV, and I was wondering if you could take a couple of minutes to do an interview about your thoughts on the show."
"On the phone?"
"Yeah. She writes about every episode and she knows everything about Popstars. She'd just like to ask you a couple of questions."
"You know, this night is really about the girls, and I need to be here for them and stand to them and take care of them. I really don't have the time."
"Well, here's my card. Maybe when all of this is over and you have some time, you'd like to call us for an interview."
"Excuse me."
"Miss Pam?"
"Ray! Ray! That was perfect!"
"She walked away."
"Ray! I know! You got dissed by Jaymes! That's perfect! She wouldn't even talk to you!"
"I think I scared her."
"Good job, Ray."
"I hate her. She's a big ol' bitch."
"I'll see you at the show, Ray."
"I think Travis already left to go dancing with the other big, black, bald men."
"Go to the show, Ray."
"No. I kinda want to stay here and keep making people talk on the phone. Hold on, I'm gonna try and get on the camera. Maybe I'll kick Jaymes in the shin."