Previously on Popstars: They show the exact same beginning with the nervous girls and the bad singing and the people we don't know talking about their dreams and hopes. We even get Bea saying, "Superstah!" again. We see the Mariah girl in purple screw up her song again. Shaunda sings the shit out of "I Will Always Love You" again. Even a quick Tiffinee Renae. "All my life" girl chants through her tears again. Scary Snake Mom is appalled again. We see a quick flash through several girls auditioning again for Day Two. Then the group dance callback flashes by. Alexis talks about her damn dreams while covered in snot and tears. Zoom to the L.A. workshop, where we see more shots of dancing and singing. Roger Love makes some nasal noises. David Foster looks on judgingly. Alexandria gets in another crying headshake, and with that final clip again, my love affair with her is officially over. Thanks, editors. Quick shots of everyone crying as the narrator calls the workshop "a nerve-wracking nightmare." Shaunda cries to Ivette. They flash by the six that were cut at the end of "Phase One." The Corrs start caterwauling again. Luckily I've recapped all of this, so I don't have to recap it again, right? Right? I don't have to be as repetitive as this show. I don't. I don't have to repeat everything. Everything. Everything. Sorry. I just wanted you to have a visual representation of this damn show. They show the five that were cut. So many tears. Cheaza moans to the group of girls that she's never going to succeed in anything. We see a quick cut of the Viper Room and then the five girls that were cut. The Casio keyboard kicks into overdrive as the narrator gets his "serious with tension" voice on and tells us that just ten girls are left tonight.
Nicole Scherzinger. We see a split screen of her singing at the Viper Room as she tells us: "When the lights and stuff are on me, I'm in a whole 'nother world." I love how we've turned "another" into a word that can be broken into two just by adding the word "whole."
Shaunda Johnston. Same split screen. "If you don't have your dreams, you don't have anything." Put that on a bumper sticker, people.
Jean Pearlman: "I don't think I'm going to make it because people don't seem to remember me from each episode." I'm kidding. "I am still not down from that high. I had an incredible time and I feel, I feel amazing when I'm singing." Oh, notice the use of past tense, there.
Rosanna Tavarez: "But I really, really wanted to sing." Oh, she's the one that wanted to sing. My bad. I thought it was only Alexis.
Christina Petty: "I can do it, you know. I see everybody else do it and what, what do I have -- why can't I do it? You know? What am I lacking? Nothing."
Ivette Sosa: "I've been wanting to do this fer...since as long as I can remember."
Camille Guaty: "This is more me than anything else has ever been."
Margaux Yap: "I love pop music. I love singing and I love performing." These are sounding like centerfold interviews.
Ana Maria Lombo. Tears are streaming down her face. "I just know that I am going to make it. And I've come to this audition knowing that I am going to be one of the five."
The Casio hits a strong minor chord, telling us to pay attention to the scary part of the episode. The narrator busts in to say that before the final five are chosen, some serious shit goes down. Jaymes calls someone to say that two girls have dropped out of the running. A random high note hits the piano as we flash by the ten girls. They hit the "slow-motion" button on the judges as they tell us that the judges have been "thrown into chaos." The narrator learns us: "It's an enormous obstacle, but one the judges need to overcome to find their five Popstars." See? I wouldn't have been able to figure that one out on my own. The slow Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen, kicking off this hour-long special episode of over-dramatization, tears, and estrogen.
The girls are all sitting in some sort of banquet room in a hotel. They are all around one table eating breakfast, but I can't figure out why they have to be sectioned off in this hotel seminar room. Maybe there's a buffet. The narrator tells us that the girls are all taking a moment to remember "how incredible this whole process has been." Ana Maria goes first: "I'm toasting today because we're all one step closer to our dream." The way she says this, I'm not sure, but I think she's mocking Alexis, and they just cut away before all of the girls cackle wildly. "Yay!" someone says. Quick edits of Nicole looking down and nodding, and then Camille looking somewhere and nodding. These are bad, bad edits. Jean comes in and says, "I know we just met each other, the connection that we have right now" Someone interrupts to say, "Amazing! So weird!" but it's like they aren't talking to each other. "Why'd you just say that?" someone asks Jean. Why would someone ask her that? "Just to point it out," Jean responds. Okay. "Like, emphasize, like, how quickly we got to know each other. And, like, I feel dependent on you guys right now. Like, I don't know what I'd do if you guys weren't here for me." We pan around to the other girls smiling and nodding, thinking, "We're here for you, Joan. Jean. I mean, Jean. Right. Jean. The student. God. I can't keep these bitches straight."