Previously on Popstars: Girls danced. Some looked like boys. Several screens show girls pointing and vamping it up. Our fearless narrator informs us: "It began with open auditions. A once-in-a-lifetime chance to fulfill a real-life musical fantasy." A blonde we've never seen before tells us that she's nervous. The narrator interrupts: "In six cities across America, thousands of girls tried out. But only a few hundred were asked to return for the phase." Only? Some girl wore a neon pink dress and a black boa for the audition. I have no other comment for that. "On day two, they participated in vocal callback auditions where each girl appeared alone before the judges. In the end only ninety-three girls remain." We see about nineteen girls all holding their hands to their faces or pointing. Christina Petty. Baby Norman. "Tonight, the competition continues. Each girl will have to dance alone before the judges, and as a final test, perform in groups of four." It looks like a stripper audition, the way the girls are rubbing their stomachs up on the camera. "The judges must decide which twenty-six girls to bring to Los Angeles for a week-long workshop of intensive dance and vocal training. Each girl will get a phone call. For most, the dream will be over. But for the lucky few, it means one step closer to becoming Popstars." One girl screams on Jaymes's speakerphone as Jaymes smiles at us and says, "Wow!"
Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun. Slow-motion style. For the first time, I notice just how many girls are crying in these tiny pictures.
Travis runs into the Los Angeles audition room, beaming. Behind him are thirty girls, cheering and hooting it up. Travis has worn his lucky purple and black striped sweater and leather pants. He's carrying his lucky clipboard. We're introduced once again to Travis and the Hyphentwins. The narrator tells us that today's focus is on dance. We see shots of several girls pulling their legs over their heads, stretching across chairs, pulling on their arms, trying to remember anything from the high-school jazz classes their moms made them take.
Travis repeats for the retarded: "This is Phase Three. Um, earlier in the audition we concentrated more on your vocal ability. Now we will get a chance to see you move." Jaymes stares at Travis with her arms crossed, livid that she has no say-so in this phase of the auditions.
Cut to Travis's exaggerated clapping as the girls begin to "get into the groove" to Pink's "There You Go." The narrator tells us that the pressure is "enormous." Any wrong step could mean "elimination." I'm surprised they don't explain what an audition is every single episode. Girls slither and wiggle towards Travis as he slithers backwards until he says, "Now, let's turn around and walk that way." He watches them walk away from him. "It's time for each girl to show Travis what she's got," the narrator sasses.
We cut to the Miami auditions. "Others might be nervous," the narrator tells us, "but not Petagay Rowe. Born in the West Indies, Petagay has been dancing all her life, and now works as a professional choreographer." Judging from Petagay's aggressive dancing, she must choreograph the Dolphins' Touchdown celebrations. We see Petagay's day one audition. The narrator tells us that she "spiced up" her audition with dance moves, but it really looks like she's just got a weak neck that her head keeps wobbling around on. Petagay's dancing looks strikingly like the motions I make when Billy Blanks tells me to go "double time."
Oh, sweet Alexandra Bachelier. The narrator tells us that Alexandra "moves to a different beat. Her style is more sensual." She looks incredibly embarrassed to have to shake her hips this way. We're told that she was shy starting from day one at the auditions. Flashback to Alexandra singing and the covering her ears when the judges were making their final decisions. Split-screen to Alexandra (who recently dyed her hair darker) telling us that she freaked out because she didn't think she was going to make it. The narrator tells us that Alexandra will have to overcome her tendency to "hold back" if she wants to "stand out" from the others. Alexandra does this by shoving both arms over her head and jutting her ass out. Good job, Alex.
Molly Zimpfer, twenty-three, New York City. We've never seen her before. She's got years of New York dance experience, we're told, and we can see the evidence with the way Molly can throw her leg up so high she's practically kicking herself in the forehead. She does this roundhouse kick over and over and over again, with the same leg. Jaymes and Jennifer, relegated to sitting on the floor in the corner, tell each other that they think Molly is a little "streeter," which is a word Jaymes has just invented to sound hip. Jennifer says that Molly can dance and has an interesting way of moving. I don't know. She's pretty and I covet her "Angel" tank top, but other than that, she's just a pretty blonde dancer. Don't give me someone Week Three and expect me to wish them success instantly.
Oh, man. Baby "Put Her In the Corner" Norman is back. So is the Scarytwin, and Ivette "But She's So Cute!" Sosa. Jangela snaps once. Shiny Happy Kelley sasses around and shows us her large collection of back tattoos. Kerrie "Christian Makeover" Roberts has worn a full t-shirt to the callbacks, which was a bad idea. Narrator: "While prior experience is helpful, the judges are looking for potential as much as ability." Aaliyah's "Try Again" is playing in the background, which is what I'd tell most of these girls to do, anyway.
Travis tells us, "Not always the best dancer who catches my attention [sic]. It's usually that dancer who has a special something that draws my eye to them [sic]." As Travis says this, we see Baby Norman grind her ass on the camera.
Flashback to Day One, with Garland Gerber's Fancy Sparkly Boots. You know, if the girl's name is sticking in my head, I'd say that's a good sign that she's going to make it. I always remember Baby Norman. And Garland Gerber. Ivette Sosa. Uh, offhand, I think I can also remember Tiffinni Ranae and...oh, man. That's about it. Garland tells us, "If you saw me walking down the street you'd probably think I was a freak. But if I'm a Popstar, it's cool." They've given the Hyphentwins director's chairs now, so they can cross their arms and cat-talk to each other as the girls dance. We're told it's Gerber's "talent" and not her "boots" that have gotten her this far. Garland dances and sexes the camera up good.
Rosanna "Addicted to Love" Tavarez has worn her slicked-back hair and crazy lipstick all three days of the auditions. We see her first audition with the scary green pants. We're told that only her mother had heard her sing before. She's a dance major from Ohio State. Rosanna tells us that she used to do musicals when she was a kid and then "stopped for a while" and now, thank God, she's back. She says she loves singing in the shower and then darts her lizard tongue out at us. Rosanna's callback ("Genie In A Bottle") is warbly and awkward and just bad enough to get her another callback. As Rosanna is singing and rubbing her hands across her vagina, the narrator tells us that Rosanna gave a callback that would make her mother proud. In a split screen, Rosanna and her mother kiss each other on the mouth. The narrator tells us that Rosanna's dance training gives her a "leg up" on the others in the dance audition. For some reason, though, they only shoot her from the chest up, so we can't see her dance at all. Just her face. The camera then pans down and Rosanna's ass is bumping and grinding the camera. That's some good dancing, right there.
Jaymes pulls the others to the side to say she really likes the way Rosanna dances. Travis says that he also liked her dancing. Jennifer pulls her pants out of her butt crack. She really does, y'all.
Remember I said you can't introduce someone Week Three and have me like them? Well, that's only partially true. Curtisha Johnson, twenty-five, Atlanta, was the girl at the end of Week Two that leaned into the camera and said, "I made it, Mama! I made it!" She's already won me over, and the narrator says that Curtisha's "sweet disposition" got her this far. Curtisha can also dance.
Ana Maria Lombo is the girl with the family band. She stands in front of Travis and copies his moves. In a split screen she tells us that this is her life and she can't imagine doing anything else. She can dance. She's also very pretty.
Scarytwin Isadelle Mercedes dances with Travis as the narrator explains that each girl has to copy Travis's choreography on sight to show that she's easily teachable. Isadelle quickly picks up the new moves and "makes it look easy." Somewhere there's a twin with a Voodoo doll.
Ivette Sosa is still being cute. She's dancing with Travis with a perfect pout, but she's anticipating Travis's moves just a bit and sometimes guesses wrong. We hear Jaymes point that out in a voice-over whisper.
The narrator tells us it's a lot harder than it looks. We see Margaux "Other Christian Girl" Yap fuck up a dance move. We're introduced to Cydney Rooks, twenty-three, New York City, only to see her make the "wow, I'm sucking" face. Travis stops her and shows her how to bend one knee, but Cydney isn't getting it. The Hyphentwins look bored and annoyed.
Girls dance and flop around. We see Tiffinni Ranae for a second. There's the single mom who DJs karaoke. Narrator: "With each step, the judging becomes more strict. And how a girl did earlier in auditions still plays a part in the decision." Keitha Lind Brown, twenty-one, Los Angeles. She's a "Phone Operator." We've already learned what that means. We're told that she made it this far even though she can't sing very well. We see her crap through "I Don't Wanna Wait." She then tells us that she gets nervous when she sings but not when she sings as she dances. Okay. We're told that when she dances she's "clearly in her element." Keitha dances and wiggles with the best of them. Travis applauds her.
We're told that they're looking for strengths and "hidden weaknesses." We flashback to Cheaza "Ikette Offspring" Figueroa dancing during her singing audition, making the other girls in the audition clap for her. Cheaza tells us that she's a "popgirl" and that she loves to dance and is athletic. Cut to her dance audition, where Cheaza is wearing a blue visor with her pigtails flapping above them like antennae. Travis thinks that Cheaza's moves were "too rehearsed." Travis throws something new at Cheaza, and she has a hard time learning the new move quickly.
Girls huddle and cheer for the camera as the narrator tells us that the girls "survived" the dance audition. Travis takes a bow as Jaymes claps for him. They tell us we're about to see the girls break into groups (this one is a group of five, negating the "rule of four" introduced to us earlier in the show) and then the decision will be made. Travis holds his head and pouts as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun fill the screen.
Popstars is brought to you in part by Wendy's. If you have ever had one single Crispy Chicken Nugget in your life, you're never going to be a Popstar.
We see the girls clapping and congratulating themselves again, as Travis claps for Christina Petty and says, "She's good!" "But the judges have one final test," the narrator tells us.
Girls scatter like Miss Hannigan is about to enter the room. They're getting split up into groups where they have fifteen minutes to come up with a dance, learn to harmonize and then perform their segment of a song. Tiffinni Ranae is just running around from side to side, apparently searching for a group that wants her.
We cut to a group of girls trying to sing "Genie In A Bottle" together. One girl stops them to tell another girl that she's screwing up. Something about not having her mouth open in a perfect circle, judging from the miming that she's doing.
Another group sits together as one girl tells another she's doing well.
Shaunda Johnston is asking her group what kind of tone they want to take with their song, since she can sing anything.
Travis and the Hyphentwins stand with their arms crossed, watching the girls. They're looking at the different personalities, and to see if the girls work well with others.
We're told that a leader emerges from each group, as we see Baby Norman bossing around her giggle of girls.
We're introduced to someone new now? Ciamar Hernandez, twenty-one, Dallas, is harmonizing her group. We flashback to her Day Two audition where she sings "Unbreak My Heart" quite well. She tells the judges that she's been sightreading since she was thirteen. She says she doesn't have perfect pitch, but she has relative pitch. We cut back to her group where she has the girls singing doo-wop while one girl busts out the actual words to "What A Girl Wants."
We cut to another group. This one is having problems. "Three of the girls are being overshadowed by Melissa Rosenson, a dispatcher from Atlanta, Georgia." One of the overshadowed girls is my new favorite, Curtisha. Melissa, twenty, is wearing incredible amounts of lipstick, and obviously thinks she's Christina Aguilera. The other girls are giving her the stink-eye as Melissa groans and moans through the words. Jennifer watches and mumbles something through a smile to Jaymes. I can't hear what it was. It must not have been approved by Jaymes.
We cut to a flashback of Bea and are told once again about her lucky tube top. We see her at the Day Two auditions. "Was I supposed to get dressed up?" she snarks, looking around the room. "I didn't know that. Nobody informed me of that." The narrator tells us that Bea brings a "cool street vibe to her ensemble." We see Bea telling her group how to sing like Christina Aguilera.
We cut to Christina Petty, the foster kid with the snotrag, as the judges stand behind her and watch. Narrator: "Christina Petty's come a long way in the past few days. In more ways than one." These sentences mean nothing, people. Cut to Christina and her rose tattoo: "But I'm glad I made it. Cuz I came way from Hampton, Virginia, to come out here today. I was on a bus all last night." We're told that Christina traveled ten hours on a bus to audition in New York and was "battling" not only her nerves, but "fatigue." We see Christina on Day One. Travis asks her to stop singing and jump to the end. Christina starts to move to the last star, until Travis tells her that he meant to jump to the end of the song. Everyone laughs at the foster kid. "At the dance callback, Christina began to come out of her shell." Christina puts her arms in the air and grinds her hips around. Wearing that Tommy Girl tank she's got on, I'm assuming Christina isn't as hard-up for cash as she's telling us. We're told the judges think Christina has "tremendous potential." The judges mumble to each other, but I can't hear it over all the flat notes echoing through the room. "Sort of the rebellious, cool one," Travis gets out over the girls.
We see one girl spin on her knees as the narrator tells us that the girls have run out of time. Tiffinni Ranae gives a frantic look up as Travis tells all of them that they have to stop working.
Group One is five girls having five different auditions at the same time. Their idea of choreography must have been, "Okay, y'all. Just go out there and do your own thing. Shake it up. Sing strong." The girls occasionally turn towards each other and point, but since it's "Genie In A Bottle," it looks like they're asking each other for rub-downs. They also all sound about twelve years old.
Oh, Group Two. How you've caused permanent damage to my ears. They have some basic dance moves, but forgot to work on singing. They're all making each other sing so high that they've turned "Genie In A Bottle" into a horrible Christmas carol.
Group Three is the group with the Aguilera Wannabe. They are all one step behind the Aguilera-head, because she clearly didn't go over the choreography enough before they ran out of time.
Group Four has the single mom. They sound like they are actually performing karaoke at her bar. Four girls standing in a row, giggling at each other, each one more embarrassed than the other that they actually had to go up and sing. They put their hands on the backs of their hips and try to make it through the song.
Cut to Hyphentwins and Travis as the narrator tells us, "The performance is the final test. And this is the last time most of the girls will see Travis, Jaymes, and Jennifer." Alas, not for us. Jaymes tells the girls that they should be proud of themselves for getting this far. Travis wishes them all good luck and says he hopes to seem them in L.A. Jaymes interjects, "Yeah!" Jennifer claps.
Travis kisses Shaunda on the head while Baby stands by waiting to kiss up. Travis moves towards Baby but actually hugs the blonde standing to her. Dis!
Back in L.A. Travis and the Hyphentwins are watching tapes of the auditions. They've brought in David "St. Elmo's Fire Was My Brainchild" Foster. The narrator explains that the four are going to watch tapes of the auditions and decide which twenty-six girls will be invited to an L.A. workshop. The narrator then explains that this means most girls won't make it. They clearly think we're the dumbest people in the world watching this show. Then we find out who gets the early cut: Tiffinni Ranae, Kelley "I Love My Brother" Blakemore, Morgan "Miss Dallas" Matlock, and Jangela "I've Got A U-Haul" Shumskas. We see Jangela's U-Haul drive off as Jangela waves goodbye. I can't believe we spent that much energy on a U-Haul and didn't get to see either of Jangela's callbacks.
We're told that David Foster (who I'm just going to call St. Elmo from now on) is going to be one of the biggest influences on the girls' futures. St. Elmo tells us that people who shortcut the rhythm when singing a cappella are generally going to have a hard time in a group. We see Petagay Rowe's audition tape and St. Elmo counts between Petagay's lines. She's speeding the song up, presumably to get more actual singing into the audition instead of quiet moments, but St. Elmo thinks this means she's unable to keep the beat. "That's a real sign that somebody doesn't have it," he says. Travis tells him that all of the girls did that. He says that Petagay was a really good dancer and was good in groups.
We're told that St. Elmo is looking for more than just how the girls will blend together. Bea's tape comes on the monitor as St. Elmo tells us, "One of the other things that I look for -- and I think she was guilty of this -- that they start the song -- and a cappella is hard -- but they start the song in one key, by the time they get to the chorus they're in another key, and that's, like..." and since the horror of it all gets to be too much for St. Elmo, he just starts shaking his head back and forth in misery. We watch Bea's tape, and she is guilty of changing keys mid-pitch, but man. It's a cappella! And she's so cute! Jennifer starts sticking up for Bea, saying she loves her personality and wants to bring her to the workshop to see what she can do.
We watch the four of them argue and plead and toss around pictures of the girls like trading cards, lumping them together and clipping them off until the narrator tells us that they narrowed it down to twenty-six girls. We're told that after the commercial, we'll find out which twenty-six made it. We cut to Jaymes calling Christina Petty. Christina's sitting on a couch, and her walls are decorated with painted handprints. Because that's class, y'all. Christina shoves her hand into her crotch and leans back into it as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take over.
I momentarily stop my recapping here to watch the Super Bowl Halftime show. Now that I've seen the crack of Britney Spears's ass, I think I'm a better person.
They've split the names up among Travis and the Hyphentwins. We have shots of the three of them dialing numbers on their speakerphones. Some girls have offered to let Popstars camera crews into their apartments to film the verdict, assuming that their chances of getting in are higher if they're gonna be taped.
We cut to a group of girls standing in a living room listening to the phone ringing. The girl's mother leans over and answers it. Her daughter stands behind her with her hands on her head. Travis says he's calling for a girl named Keitha Lind. We've never met Keitha Lind before. She takes the phone from her mother. Travis asks how he's doing and she says she's really nervous. He asks why she'd be nervous. She says she doesn't want to hear the answer. She does, but she doesn't. He asks her to the workshop. Keitha Lind covers her mouth, says "Oh, my God!" a few times, and starts making shocked noises. She starts screaming and thanking him as Travis laughs. She hugs one of her friends as the others clap.
We flash back to Alexandra Bachelier dancing at the callbacks. Travis calls her. He asks her to the callback. She thanks him and repeats "oh, my God!" seventeen times. Travis laughs as Alexandra starts having an orgasm on the phone. Someone tell her this isn't part of the audition process. Travis applauds.
We cut to Bea's audition. We're reminded of the lucky tube top again. Jennifer, always with the dirty tasks, has to call her up. She starts telling Bea that this was a really hard decision and that they thought she was really talented and wonderful and blah, blah, blah cutcakes. Bea is clearly unhappy, but thanks her anyway. Jennifer thanks her back, laughs, and thanks her again for her hard work. Jennifer wishes her good luck, Bea makes a noise like, "Thanks for nothing!" and Jennifer hangs up. She looks at us and says, "That was probably my hardest one. That's the hardest one I have to do. I feel so bad."
Garland Gerber has called a group of her finest actor friends together to look pretty for the camera. They're all wearing the same clothes they wear in their headshots. Head "funny guy" friend declares a "moment of silence" for the phone call. Garland checks the Caller ID and answers the phone. Travis asks her to join the workshop. Garland smiles and closes her eyes and nods to her friends. They all start rejoicing, but since they live in L.A., and they are aware of the cameras on them, they only rejoice in pretty ways, with lots of hair-flipping, white teeth flashing, and right proper thumbs-ups. One man opens a bottle of champagne.
Remember Alexis Brown? She's the girl that actually dreamed of being a Popstar. The narrator reminds us that nobody wanted this shot as much as Alexis. We see the waterworks flying again as we flashback to Alexis's second audition, where she tells us this is her dream and she wants this. I'm so tired of Alexis. Jaymes calls her up. You've got to admire the way Jaymes makes it sound like she doesn't want anyone in this group. "I won't keep you. Um, I want you to know that it's been a really hard decision for me and, um, the other two judges that are working on this project. We saw a lot of really, really talented girls in this process, so that makes it even more difficult for us." At this point, Alexis makes the "just tell me I'm cut, Bitch" grunt. "So, given all that, um, we wanna know if you wanna come to L.A." Alexis screams for thirty seconds as Jaymes looks up at us and smiles. "That's right. I make or break dreams," her squint reminds us. In the reflection of the television behind Jaymes, you can almost see her horns. Alexis babbles on about how she's been waiting for days to hear and she just assumed she wasn't getting in and then calls Jaymes out for fucking with her. She then thanks Jaymes and tells her she rocks.
Brand new girl we've never seen before. Kathleen Hennessey is her name. She dances around in a flashback. We cut to her sitting at a table with her mother. She gets the phone call. She's nineteen. The narrator reminds us that this phone call "could affect her entire future." Jaymes calls her and tells her they aren't taking her to L.A. Kathleen hangs up and looks at her mother. "Oh, well. So sad," she says. Her mother, in a painful close-up, looks incredibly sad for her daughter, and I think she's planning on starting a fire. "Well, that's that," Kathleen smiles at the people filming her, obviously giving them the "go away" signal. They keep on filming her until they get the sad look they're so desperately seeking.
Christina Petty grew up in a foster home. They just want to remind us one more time. I also think Christina had a lemon Jolly Rancher right before her audition because her tongue is incredibly yellow on this flashback. We cut to Christina in her house. Her boyfriend taped Christina's phone call. They let Jaymes make the call, so Christina's gonna be fucked with for a little while. Jaymes starts out by telling Christina that she should be really proud of how far she got. Christina is already beginning to pout. Jaymes invites Christina to L.A. Christina laughs and says she can go to L.A. Jaymes clearly looks disappointed that Christina isn't telling her how wonderful she is. Christina jumps back on her couch, kicks her feet up and says to her boyfriend, "Yeah! I'm goin' to L.A., Dog!" I really like her. Jaymes congratulates her and hangs up. Christina jumps into the air to celebrate with her boyfriend, and we see her fall just out of camera, her feet horizontal in the air.
We see girls dancing around as the narrator reminds us how demanding the audition process has been. We get to hear the final twenty-six. Sit back, people, it's both predictable, and slightly annoying. Rosanna "Robert Palmer Girl That Just Learned to Sing" Tavarez. Cheaza "Ikette Freak Who They Don't Really Like" Figueroa. Keitha Lind "We Just Met Her But She Let Them Tape the Call" Brown. Ciamar "Relative Pitch" Hernandez. Kerrie "Christian Pop Superstar That Needs Makeover" Roberts. Margaux "Other Christian Girl" Yap. Alexandria "She's So Pretty" Bachelier. Molly "I Covet Your T-Shirt" Zimpfer. Nikki "Single Moms Need Love Too" McKibbin. Shaunda "The Singer" Johnston. T.V. "Will Have To Lip Sync" Carpio. Garland "Stripper" Gerber. Ana Maria "Quickly Becoming One Of My Favorites" Lombo. Baby "Die, Baby, Die" Norman. Camille "Bad Name, Cute Body" Guaty. Curtisha "Mama! She Did It Again!" Johnson. Alexis "The Only One With Dreams" Brown. Isadelle "No, I Don't Have A Sister" Mercedes. Ivette "Cutie-Pie" Sosa. Jean "The Student With the Disapproving Mother" Perlman. Jessica "Who?" Robinson. Christina "Foster is St. Elmo's Last Name, Suckas!" Petty. Katie "Uh, No, Really. Who?" Morris. Crystal "Who?" Donahue. Nicole "Remember Me? I'm the Beyoncé From the First Episode!" Scherzinger. Petagay "Superbowl Shuffle" Rowe.
They're all going to Los Angeles now for a week-long workshop. I'm so tired of typing "week-long workshop." Even when they throw in the word "intensive," I'm still finding this thirty-minute show to be incredibly repetitive. Petagay rejoices with the camera as the Tiny Fun Star fills the screen.
We see three clubs outside my apartment. The girls are in some sort of tour bus, pretending they like each other. They dance in a giant rehearsal room while Travis runs around firing orders. We cut to shots of the girls getting vocal training. St. Elmo shows up to judge the girls some more. He tells them that they have to be ready for the rejection part of this business. We see several screens of girls clearly not ready for the rejection part of this business. Christina cries. Cheaza cries. Alexandria practically beats her head against a brick wall as she cries. As tears fall down her face she tells us that they're making it so difficult for everyone. Girls are sad and wipe tears as the judges tell us that only five are going to make it as Popstars. Ivette cries with a new perm. Ciamar cries. Garland cries. Baby Norman puts her hands over her eyes and says with a giant smile, "Oh, my God!" as the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take us out of here. So, yeah. That Baby's probably making it. Dammit.